17. Like autumn leaves

"Okay this is not gonna work out!", he yelled.

"So that's your solution!", he screamed even louder.

"What else do you expect me to do?!". There was frustration in his voice.

"I remind you that you were the one who wanted this to work out in the first place", he retorted sharply.

"Oh Sebastian, really? That's the best you can come up with?", he replied even more sharply.

"Maybe I should go, you now. I don't want to have this conversation". Sebastian strolled towards the Hummel-Hudson living room to get the jacket he had thrown on the couch before. Kurt followed him, yelling:

"You never wanna talk to me, or to anyone! That's how you deal with things right? You run away!", he grabbed his arm so that they were facing each other.

"You know nothing about me", he said spiteful.

"Oh I don't?", he let go of his arm abruptly, "I know you better than I'd like to! And I know you've been avoiding me! When something bothers you, you just detach yourself! And I'm sick and tired of this attitude of yours!"

"Okay, I'm leaving now", he grabbed his jacket and headed outside. Kurt followed him again. Their conversation was far from over. They were doing just fine, spending time together as always, then one day they were watching movies curled together, the other his... something... starts ignoring him. He tried to reach him but he ignored all his calls and messages, that varied from worry to upset to anger. That same afternoon, he had wrote him: 'either you show up today at my front door or I'm done with you for good'. He showed up. And they started arguing. It took Kurt 10 minutes to find out the reason why Sebastian had been avoiding him. Or at least what he pretended to be the reason why.

"Jump on that car and you'll never see my face anymore", Kurt yelled him from the front porch; not as loud as before since he didn't want his neighbors to call the police.

"What's the point I wonder", he said defeated.

"What's the point, you wonder?"

"Yeah, I do!", Sebastian yelled in frustration.

"You gotta be kidding me, Sebastian. How many times do I have to tell you that-"

"Yeah, but then I catch you arranging dates behind my back!", he said throwing his hands in the air.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! It was one text! One! Do you want me to show it you again to you?! One-single-damned-text, to which I DIDN'T EVEN REPLY!", He was so mad to Sebastian for deciding that message was an excuse good enough to start avoiding him. He knew him better though, there was something more behind that.

He shoved his hand in his pocket to grab his iPhone and scroll through the messages. "Here! See: 'Have you thought about us? Feel ready to talk?' Not even 10 words! Besides the fact you peeked into my phone-"

"I din't peak! The screen flashed and-"

"And you came to the dumbest conclusion without even ASKING me, first! 'No, why should I ask him about it, let's just finish the movie, kiss him goodnight and then stop talking to Kurt at all, 'till he figures it out on his own that I'm a jerk!' ", Kurt retorted angrily.

"You've been overly dramatic", came Sebastian's reply.

"Me? You have being overly dramatic and paranoid! What do you want me to say anymore? What?! Please, tell me!". Sebastian closed his mouth and crossed his arms above his chest.

"I bet you have nothing to say! You know, I thought you were smarter than this! You know, I wish, I wish I loved him as I used to, because things would have been so damned smooth and perfect! I wish I could reply to that text saying: 'I did and that I'm ready to give us a shot'. But I am not! I wish things weren't this complicated, but they are! I wish I had everything sorted out, but that's not the way it is. I wish I loved him as I used to, because my life would have been so less complicated, you know? And I'm sorry if this bothers you, but he'll always be a part of my life. Period. If I wish I could have been with him? Yes. But do I wanna be with him? No, Sebastian, no. No, because I care about me more. I care about my happiness more. And if you have anything to say, that's your chance. Now, talk, open up to me or leave straight away and don't come back. Because I don't want to be with someone that treads on my heart. Not anymore. I want more than that, I deserve more. And I am sick and tired of you and your attitude! I'm sick and tired of this whirlwind, of... of spending one beautiful day with you and 10 crappy ones!", that's it, he let it all go.

"You know", he said coming closer and lowering his voice, "I am sorry if I am moody and I have one good day and 10 bad ones".He didn't sound sorry at all, "And I am sorry I make you have 1 good day and 10 awful ones, but this is me! And I told you but you wouldn't listen, would you?". His tone was sharp and mean. "This me, this is who I am. I can't change it, and I am sorry if I am not good enough for you! Yeah you deserve more and yeah I close my self up…. but Kurt, How can I let go of myself to a person who is in love with somebody else?".

His dark green eyes where cold stone, staring sharply and directly into the ocean of Kurt one's.

"What are talking about?", he asked in bewilderment, "Is that what's bothering you so much to drag you away from me? Is it?"

"How can you expect me to be involved in this when your heart is still tied to his?", this time there wasn't meanness in his voice, just a trail of sadness.

"Are you asking me if I love him? Of course I do! Blaine was my first love, for God's sake! A part of me will always love him, Seb! Love doesn't stop just because people walk out of your life…. Love fades away, but it never leaves you. People fall in and out of love all the time, but that doesn't mean they stop loving at all! I moved on, but he will always have a place in my heart, because at one point I had traded that place with a piece of my heart I gave to him. Blaine will always have that place in my heart. Always. But This doesn't mean my heart belongs to him… His place will always be there, maybe it'll get smaller and smaller, but it won't go away. Once someone crashes into your life, it leaves you a scar and that scar is forever. I love him, Sebastian, I always will. But my heart is not tied to him".

He softened his tone and cupped Sebastian's face with his hands "The only person I want to have in my life right now is you, you understand that?". His eyes were watery, and probably also Kurt's.

"I am choosing you now. If I wanted to run away from you, I would have done it. But I didn't, and I won't. I am choosing you, do you get it? I am choosing you". Sebastian looked intensely in his eyes, before saying, in a tiny, trembling voice:

"Despite all?"

"Because of all, Sebastian, Because of all".

– I didn't fall in love with him because he made me laugh. All my friends can do that. I fell in love with him because he was the only one who pissed me off with the same speed he made me forgive it all.

Autumn Leaves, Ed Sheeran.