New Year, New Me

No copyright infringement intended. Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just playing with her characters for some fun.

o0o

Chapter 21

I am in a double daze as I walk up the flight of stairs to my apartment. Fuck! Peter might have been lurking outside my apartment building? This is too weird. I am completely out of my depth. I've been telling myself that I'm paranoid because I've noticed little things that could be inconsequential, but this needs to stop. I need to call my dad. I need to call Officer Banner. But what if it's not even him?

And Edward. Edward! I don't have enough space in my brain to process this. I turn the key in the door with trepidation. Mike is sitting on the sofa with his laptop on his knee. His mug of coffee sits on the coffee table, as does one of his feet. His fingers fly over the keyboard. "Hey, babe. Good run?"

"Yeah, I'm exhausted."

"You look it." His brow crinkles in worry. "You okay?"

I fidget with my earphones under his gaze. "Yeah, I just might have pushed it a bit far."

"No pain, no gain, as they say. Did you up your distance again then?"

"Yeah." I walk into the kitchen to get a drink and escape his notice. "I'm just going to jump in the shower," I yell from the kitchen.

"Sure."

Then I realize that I probably need more time to think than a shower will give me. I pop my head around the living room door. "Are you in any rush for lunch?"

"Nope, I have some work to get done, actually." He motions to the laptop in front of him as he says it.

"I'm going to have a bath then, have a proper relax."

"Enjoy." I lose him to his computer screen and think that perhaps I am a better liar than I thought.

I run a bath and sit on the closed toilet lid while I wait for the tub to fill. I have brought a book in with me as a prop to cover how long I plan to be in here. I feel devious. But I need time and space to think. The confines of my own bathroom are going to have to do. I have to breathe.

I realize that my fumbling earlier has twisted my earphones into nots and very deliberately set about untangling them. The task gives my fingers something to do and helps center my thoughts. There is only one place my thoughts want to be: Edward.

Edward is back, and he wants me. It feels like a dream come true. But I'm also in the middle of a nightmare – I think Peter might be stalking me. Plus, Mike wants to be serious with me, knows nothing about either, and he's in the next room. Breathe, Bella.

Right, I need to organize myself. Lists! Lists help me process and plan. I open a note on my phone and call it Peter. Safety first. Dreaming later. I bullet point concerns:

A man has been hanging around my apartment building. The description fits Peter. He was suspicious enough and regular enough for Shelley to notice him.

I saw Peter in the park.

Alice saw an angry man through the salon window that could have been Peter.

The silent phone calls. The Southern accent when Jake answered.

My tires got slashed just after Peter was sentenced for the assault.

His suspended sentence is now up.

Next, what I need to do:

Call Dad ASAP and talk it through.

Call Banner tomorrow.

See if I can get a photo of Peter form the work photo board to confirm with Shelley.

Tell Victoria in case I need any time off work.

Consider the possibility that I am going insane.

I press save and put my phone aside. The tub is full and the bubbles float peacefully on the surface. It is in sharp juxtaposition to my thoughts. I am so wound up that my whole body is tense. My heart is hammering, and it feels like it's in my throat. I step into the bath and try to let the warm water calm me. But it's a warm day already, and I break out in a sweat that is more in line with my anxiety.

I wonder whether it's safe to stay here with Peter hanging around outside whenever he feels like it. I suppose that it is. I mean, he hasn't approached me, and my building is relatively secure. I have a chain and a deadbolt on my apartment door. I think that I'm safe enough. I don't like the thought of needing those safely features, though.

I've never seen Peter outside the apartment. Maybe it's not even him. But I have seen him in the park. I know from my subterfuge at work that Charlotte still lives in Roxhill, south of downtown. Presuming that Peter still lives with her, there is no reason for him to be at Carkeek Park. There are a number of parks closer to where he lives. But it's doesn't necessarily mean that he's stalking me. He could easily have a friend who lives nearby. There are too many little things for me to write them off as coincidences now.

I take some deep breaths and go through the mechanics of washing. There is no use worrying needlessly.

Edward. My whole body feels like it lifts to think of him. It was so good to see him, to hear those words from him. It's like a dream come true. But what does that make me? A mistress? Stealing a man from the mother of his child? I am tempted to open a note for him too, but I can't organize those thoughts nearly so neatly. Edward wants to live here in Seattle part of the time and have a relationship with me. Wow. Can I do a long distance relationship? How will it work when the baby is born?

I said I wasn't looking for someone with children on Match. But this is different. This is Edward. Would I meet the baby? Would he stay here in Seattle sometimes? What would my relationship with the child be? How involved would I be? Am I ready for any of that? How could I let Edward be apart from his child half the time? Is Edward looking to spend time in Seattle just to be with me? There are too many questions!

I have a lot to think about, but the reality is that I have yearned for him for months. How could I turn him away when he's offering me what I want? More than I ever thought I could have. But can I trust him? Can I trust that this is real and he's here to stay? And what am I going to do about Mike? I need to think things through properly before I talk to him. What do I tell him? The adult thing to do is to tell him the truth, but how would that conversation go?

"Hi Mike, can you give me some space for a while because I have an old boyfriend in town and he wants me back, and I'm tempted."

No, I can't do that. And who I am I kidding? I am more than tempted. As afraid as I am, as mad as hell as I am at him for putting me through this pain only to come back to me, the reality is that Edward holds a piece of me that I never took back. Maybe I hold a piece of him, too.

I can't spend the day with Mike like this. It just wouldn't be right. I could tell him about Peter, but that would mean he'd want to stay. It's cowardly, but I need Mike out of the way today.

I dry my hands on a towel, grab my phone and send Alice a quick text: Hi Alice, I need to talk to you about Peter. Something else has happened. Can you give me a distraction so that I can lose Mike today? B x

She replies immediately, Of course! Are you safe right now? Shall I come around?

Yes, safe in my apartment and Mike is here. But I don't want to tell him. Save me? x

Yes, I will come up with an emergency. Damn, girl!

I wash my hair, and rinse away the suds. I feel no relief. Perhaps I'm protecting Mike by not spending time with him while I think about Edward, but I'm being deceitful, and I know that's not fair either. I pull the curtains shut as I dry and dress. I must peek out around them onto the street below about twenty times. There is no sign of Peter, or any man with pale blonde hair.

I have just finished blow-drying my hair when my door bell rings. My heartrate spikes and I worry that it's Peter. Or Edward. Don't be silly, I tell myself. I pick up the door phone and am relieved that it's Alice. Of course it's Alice. I buzz her in and open the apartment door for her. She flashes me an impish grin, and then charges in wailing very convincingly.

"Bella, I – oh my God. Can I stay here tonight? Jasper and I have had a…" She trails off as she enters the living room and finds Mike there in his boxers. "Oh, sorry I didn't know…"

"No worries, Alice. I'll just go get dressed. You okay?" He sets his laptop aside and stands.

"Not really." She cries into her hands.

"Oh Alice," he says and gives her a quick, and somewhat awkward, hug. He looks at me over her head and mouths, 'Shall I go?'

I nod and feel like the worst person in the world.

"I'll get out of your hair." He pats her arm, and retreats to my bedroom.

Alice keeps up the performance until Mike leaves. She is too good at this.

"I'll just go see Mike out." I find myself patting her arm as if her distress is real.

"I'm sorry about this," I say.

"Don't worry about it, babe. Look after Alice." He drops his voice to a whisper, "I hope her and Jasper are going to be okay."

"I hope so, too." I am going to hell for this.

He leans in to kiss me and I freeze. His kiss, once welcome and pleasant if not life-altering, is now... What's the word? His lips feel cold and slippery. His arm snakes around my shoulder, and he pulls me into him to deepen the kiss. I feel claustrophobic for the first time in my life. He pulls away and searches my face.

"Hey, hey, don't get upset. I'm sure she'll be fine. I've got a busy week but I'll call, yeah?"

"Yeah. Take care."

He kisses my cheek quickly, and I find the word that I was searching for – unbearable. Something shrivels inside of me. I don't like this feeling. I am not this person. How can Edward walk back into my life and change things so quickly?

I regain some of my composure before going back to Alice in the living room. "You are a phenomenal actress."

"Thank you!" She beams at me in pride. Her tears are gone and order is restored. Her signature fuchsia pink lipstick is pristine, and I suspect that she's touched up her makeup in my absence.

I sit next to her on the couch. "I was almost worried it might have been real half way through."

"It was so much fun!" She's missed her calling as an actress clearly.

"Thanks for doing that for me. I feel bad." I feel contaminated somehow. I really don't like to lie.

"He was kind. He's a nice guy. Why did I have to get rid of him? Wait," she says holding out her hand palms towards me, "what is the Peter news?"

"You know Shelley, my neighbor from downstairs." Alice nods, they've met. "She stopped me on my way home from my run to tell me some guy with pale blonde hair has been hanging around the apartment a lot."

"Do you think it's Peter?" Her eyes are wide in alarm.

"Maybe. Things are stacking up a bit too much for coincidence now aren't they? Or am I paranoid?" I stand to pace.

"I don't think you're paranoid. What are you going to do?" She sits forward on the sofa.

"I'm going to call Dad for advice. Then the police officer that helped with the assault case."

"Has Shelley met Mike?" I can see the cogs turning in her brain, trying to make sense of things.

"She's seen us together." Yes, definitely a few times.

"So it's not that she's seen him outside then?"

"No, plus she definitely said pale blonde hair – platinum blonde, I think." Mike's is more of a sandy color. And surely he hasn't been hanging around outside my apartment.

"Do you think it might be time to tell Mike about this Peter stuff?" I can see on her face that she thinks I'm being unfair, though she won't say so.

What on earth am I going to do about Mike? There is no way I can't hurt him. I've been terribly selfish. I should have seen that he was more into the relationship than I was. I must have been so blind. I take a deep breath and say, "Well, the thing is that I have other news, too."

"Spill."

"Edward was in the park when I went running this morning. He's back, and he wants me. He wants to date me, I mean." I stop pacing and stare down at my disbelieving friend.

"Holy fuck!" she exclaims.

"Yeah, and some." I resume my pacing. This room isn't really large enough for pacing, but I have to keep moving. "He said that he couldn't get over me, and that he shouldn't have left."

"Wow." I don't think I've ever seen her so lost for words.

I plop back down on the sofa next to her. "He said he'd spend half of his time here, and half in L.A."

Alice has regained her usual composure and crosses her legs. Her eyes tighten. "So, Tanya the bitch-troll?"

"He hasn't been living with her." I shrug. I don't know what to do with this information myself.

"Wow." She looks almost as surprised as I feel. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I – I want him, Alice." The amount that I want to rush into his arms and say yes is embarrassing. I mean seriously, I have my pride. Don't I?

"Does that mean that I don't have to hate him anymore?" This isn't the question I was expecting.

"Maybe." Where is she going with this?

"That would be nice. My heart really wasn't in it." She perks up. "Can I meet him?"

"What?"

"I never really hated him. He seemed too nice. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to hurt him for hurting you. But if he's realized the error of his ways, I have it in me to be magnanimous about it." She says this like she is forgiving a fender-bender.

"Magnanimous?" I repeat dumbfounded. "He ripped my heart out!" I think the tension of the situation has gotten to me – this is definitely more dramatic than I usually am.

She nods in confirmation, and emits a short affirmative sound. "So are you going to take him back?"

"Um, I – I can't think about this right now. I need to call my dad."

"He's going to kill you." She says this matter-of-factly.

"I know."

"I'll go boil the kettle." She gives me a little pat on my knee. "Good luck."

Dad is full of questions that I can't answer when I tell him what Shelley told me. He wants to speak to her direct.

"Dad, that's a bit much isn't it? I thought that I'd call Officer Banner tomorrow."

"So help me God, Bella, if you don't put her on the phone, I am going to come down there and talk to her face to face."

I feel like I'm ten years old as I go downstairs and knock on Shelley's door. I stay inside the apartment building as she has an internal door, too. It is with some disquiet that I realize I don't want to go outside in case Peter is there. Shelley talks to my dad for a while. She is happy to help and has agreed to talk to Banner, too.

I head back upstairs with the hot phone to my ear and color in my cheeks. Dad is none too happy with me because I didn't tell him everything. I don't blame him. As he bombards me with questions, it comes out that I've seen him at the park and maybe the salon. Alice hands me a cup of tea. Her face tells me that she knows I'm getting a roasting. I mouth 'thanks.'

"Right, now you call Banner like you said. But the reality is that they're not going to do anything. It's non-threatening behavior, and he hasn't broken any laws that we know of. So I am going to talk to Andy and see if he has any good connections in Seattle."

"What do you mean?" I take a tentative sip of the tea. It's dreadful. Her heart is in the right place, but Alice has no skill for tea brewing – it's stewed.

"A private detective. We need to track Peter's movements and try to establish the level of threat. I want to know what's going on. I'll pay for it – don't worry about that."

"Isn't that a little extreme?" My voice is high.

"You're my daughter. Nothing is too extreme. The police can't help much with this type of thing because there isn't really any evidence of wrongdoing. But this pattern of behavior is worrying. If he is tailing you, getting to know your habits, what's next? These things escalate."

I can't help but think about what Edward said – we really are creatures of habit. I have my routines and usual places that would have made it so easy for Peter to get an understanding of my schedule. But why is he doing this? What's his purpose?

Dad sighs heavily. "I can't stand that I'm not well enough to be there to protect you. I'm not happy about you being there alone. Can you go stay with Alice?"

"I'm sure I could." I look at Alice as her small form disappears back into the kitchen. "But what if he is tailing me? I don't want to lead him there, especially when she's pregnant."

"I'll call Seth. He can stay with you."

"I don't want Seth getting in the middle of it either!"

"He's family; family get in the middle of stuff. Anyway, just his presence will make Peter back off in the short term. Peter and guys like him only act when they believe they have the upper hand."

Act? Act how? "You really think he's a threat?"

"Well, first things first; we need to establish if he really is following you. If he is – people don't do that unless they have a plan."

The idea is daunting. What sort of plan?

"Now, don't get too frightened, the plan may be purely to scare you and nothing more." He sounds every bit the cop. I've heard him talk like this a million times. It's almost reassuring despite the subject matter. "He's been restricted because of the suspended sentence and now it's up, maybe he wants you to feel restricted. Right now, we might have the upper hand – he might not think we're on to him."

This is dreadful. How can this be happening? This is not my life, surely. "I'm sorry to worry you when you're not well," I say. My voice is small and I feel like a small child again. I want to run home and find safety in Forks.

"I'm fine. It's you I'm worried about."

"Edward is back," I mumble. Just for another topic really.

"What?" He sounds incredulous.

"Yeah, he was in the park this morning when I went running. He wants to have a relationship with me."

"Tell him to take a hike," he says venomously. My moping has not escaped his notice.

"He was trying to do the right thing."

"Well, it wasn't the right thing by you was it? And I'm not inclined to respect a man for knocking someone up."

I shouldn't have said anything. "Don't be like that."

"Look, be careful. Don't let this Edward stuff distract you." To me Peter is the distraction.

"I'm going to call Seth now," he continues. "And I'm going to see about arranging a private detective. You call Banner tomorrow so it's on his radar. Get that photo of Peter from work if you can, but don't talk to Shelley. I'd like to leave that to the professionals. I'll call when I have more details."

"Thanks, Dad."

I am deflated. What an utter mess. I should be thinking about Edward and my future, but instead I'm dealing with a potential stalker who has already assaulted me once. Alice is a comfort, but by the time she's leaving I'm glad for the alone time. Seth comes over later on and sleeps on my couch, for which I'm grateful. This arrangement definitely can't last for long; he's too big for the couch and he won't take my room.

Dad calls at around eight to give me the details for a Jay Jenks, P.D. who has an opening tomorrow at two. I need to call him to set the location. Jenks suggests a coffee shop as it's best to look like we're friends or business associates if Peter really is keeping an eye on me. The thought sends a shiver down my spine. We agree on a coffee shop downtown.

I talk with Victoria first thing Monday morning to let her know there is a potential issue and that I will do my best not to let it interfere with work.

"Seriously, Bella, don't worry about that at all." She waves away my concerns with a perfectly manicured hand. "I know you have a lot on at the moment, but we can all pitch in to help if we need to. I'll speak with HR to see where we stand on this. I'd be worried to think that Charlotte might be helping him in some way. I mean, she knows your work patterns…"

That's a chilling thought. "I haven't thought about that. I mean, obviously he could have followed me from work to find out where I live – that's my dad's theory. But it might be nothing."

"It's best to be cautious in these situations. I am more than happy to support you with anything you need. Work from home or finish at different times when he won't be expecting it."

"Thank you. Those are great ideas." I wonder whether Victoria has any experience of this. "I have a meeting with a private detective at two, but I'll treat it as my lunch break."

"Let me know if you need anything." She goes back to her diary, but a troubled frown puckers her forehead.

I call Officer Banner straight afterwards. He is concerned and interested, but ultimately, my dad was right; there isn't much he can do. He asks me to call him to report everything, even if I feel it's inconsequential so they can build a picture of what's happening.

"You see, Bella. There needs to be evidence of a threat for harassment charges."

"I understand." I sit at a small table in one of our meeting rooms. It feels stuffy and dank. Though I think it's probably more a reflection of my mood than the room, in all honesty.

"And for stalking, there needs to be a reasonable fear that he intends to injure you or damage your property," he explains. I know this from dad already. Surely this can't be right. How is following someone and scaring them not a crime in and of itself? They only care about property and physical injury? Why let something get that far?

"I completely understand your concerns," he continues, "And you're right to be vigilant. But there isn't a case for White to answer at this point. Perhaps if they'd sent out a team to investigate when your tires were slashed, that might have been different."

I understand my dad's insistence on getting a private detective more now. He knows the law and knows that it doesn't really protect me in this situation. Thank God, I have people who look out for me. Imagine if I was Charlotte – all alone in the world except for Peter. It sounded like perhaps even her mother was abusive to her, maybe not physically, but you don't run away and start a new life thousands of miles away for nothing. I really hope she is not in cahoots with Peter. Mostly from a selfish perspective, I hate the thought that someone whom I have trusted would betray me like that. And also the thought that Peter could have that kind of control over her. I know she wouldn't want to hurt me. Or least I hope so.

At one forty-five, I tell my team that I am meeting an old friend for coffee and walk to the coffee shop.

"Miss Swan," Jay Jenks greets me.

"Bella, please."

"I go by Jenks." He looks smart and capable. His manner is mild, but I can see the steel in him. I would guess that he is middle-aged, judging from his balding head and grey stubble, but he has the powerful frame of a much younger man. "Thank you for meeting me, Bella. I know the outline of your troubles from your father, but I wanted to meet with you directly. I have a few questions."

"Of course."

He asks for details of the contacts that I've had with Peter and Charlotte before and after the assault. He creates a timeline in his note pad. He asks for every detail I know about them and where they're from. He is ever vigilant and looks to the door each time it opens. We talk about what made me suspicious of him, and I tell him about the assault, tires, calls, and the sightings, finishing with what Shelley told me.

"I would like to send a security specialist to your home to see where there are weaknesses and what measures can be taken to make it more secure. Your father was keen on this." His voice is deep and authoritative. I bet people so what he says automatically.

"Sure."

"Tomorrow at six?"

I nod. "Okay. Is there anything that I should be doing to, I don't know, de-escalate this somehow?" I find myself fidgeting with the zipper on my purse. I fold my hands in my lap when I realize what I'm doing.

"Yes, don't engage with him at all. If you see him, turn in the opposite direction." He tents his fingers together, and I notice how large his hands are. "It would be cautious to assume that Charlotte feeds him information on your whereabouts, so I would be careful not to reveal anything to your colleagues."

I have a sinking feeling in my stomach. How has it come to this?

"But for the next couple of days, I would ask that you keep to your usual routine." He pulls at the lapels on his no-doubt designer suit, adjusting his jacket. "There is no reason to think that you're in imminent danger, and I and my colleagues would like to assess the risk as it stands."

"Assess how?" I am so out of my depth. Hopefully so is Peter. Jenks is a man not to be taken lightly.

"We plan to use surveillance techniques to understand Mr. White's patterns, level of knowledge about your habits, and try to determine his plans."

Plans. It used to be a good word, a fun word, but now it makes me shiver.

"If you change your habits suddenly, he will know something is awry. For now, it's in our interests to let him think that he is in control of the situation."

"You've done this kind of thing before?"

"I am very experienced in my work." His face is so very serious, all down to business and not a hint of levity. I suppose it suits the circumstances, but my nerves could sure use a break.

"What usually happens?" I'm not sure I want to know, but forewarned is forearmed.

"The threat is neutralized one way or another."

"Neutralized," I repeat dubiously. "Have you always been a private detective?"

"I was a military man." I nod. It makes sense.

"It is early in my investigation, and I would like to confirm some details before planning what we do next. But I have rough theory about the way that he works." He leans in and lays his pen and notebook to one side. "My feeling is that he wants to frighten you to feel that he is in control as some sort of payback."

He takes a sip of his drink, and continues, "The tires were an annoyance and didn't scare you; information that could have been relayed by Miss Lane to Mr. White. He might also have stopped this approach as the risks are greater with the damage of property – it leaves physical evidence, which would mean he would be more likely to be caught, and this would have been a particularly dangerous path with his suspended sentence." He tents his fingers together in front of him again. "The phone calls didn't scare you, and he was likely frustrated by your friend's intervention. He escalated by appearing in the park that he likely knows you frequent."

He clears his throat and takes a sip of his drink. "But the advantage we have right now is that he doesn't know you've seen him. But I suspect that he will put himself in your path somehow. The next point of escalation will be to contact you more directly."

"Contact me more directly?" I repeat like and automaton.

"Like I said earlier, if possible, walk away. Don't go home, stay in a public place, and call for help. Call me." He slides his business card across the table despite the fact that I already have his number. "If he tries to draw you into conversation, don't reveal anything about what you know, it would tip him off before we can properly investigate."

"So I'm just going to go about my business like everything is normal?"

"It's the best strategy for the moment. We have an unusual chance to study him. He thinks he's under the radar, so won't be being careful right now. Above all, don't be alone with him. Disengage and move on."

I nod, not sure I like this plan. I root in my bag a moment, and pass him the photo of Peter that I found at work.

o0o

Sticking to Jenks's advice, I keep to my routine. I am on edge as I go for a run in the park, though. I am dubious of seeing Peter. But I can't crawl under a rock. I refuse to. But in concession to my worries, I haven't got my earbuds in today. I want my wits about me, just in case.

I wonder if I'll see Edward. I want to see him; this I know. But what do I say? I owe him honesty. He was very honest with me. But I'm afraid and I don't think he'd want to know that. Thinking back on our encounter in the park yesterday, I remember the trepidation, the shock of seeing him. But what I didn't notice properly at the time was the sheer joy of being in his presence. I wish I had been able to get over the surprise quicker, so that I could have basked in that joy.

I wish that I had really felt and taken pleasure from his words – he needs me. He called me "love." He doesn't work without me, just like I don't work well without him. Though I've coped better, if what he's said is true. And to think that he's been here in Seattle, a stone's throw away –

I am jolted from my reverie by the sight of silver blonde hair. He is sitting on the park bench directly in front of me. His eyes spark when he sees me, but I see he is unsurprised. He is in a prime spot to see me come over the hill and sits there like he's watching a movie or something. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Author's Note

Thank you for reading. I would love to know what you think. What do you think Bella should do?

Thanks to Songster for editing, as always.

Rhian xx