"Come again, I didn't understand
You tell me that my life, will turn around

Then you say, that it'll be okay
You push the clouds away
And I can see
The dark is almost done
It's getting light

You're like the sun."

--On a Rainy Day by Faces without Names

Chapter 21: Unforgettable Feelings

My chest was throbbing, my breathing labored. I could feel his eyes on me. I could picture what he'd look like--small crease in the middle of his forehead, eyes slightly narrowed, lips pursed. Was he waiting for my response—the answer he already knew? I knew that I disappointed him once again. It was starting to become a daily occurrence—maybe now part of our routine? I thought for sure he'd just walk away and leave me standing there all alone.

"Jacob…" I finally managed to say, though my voice was weak. "Why are you doing this?"

Slowly, I fluttered my eyes open. I took in his creased forehead—pursed lips—and…

I was surprised to find that his eyes were round and soft. Instead of looking frustrated, he looked extremely concerned. His hands were instantly on my face, wiping away the few tears that had managed to escape my hold.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. His eyes diverted down, examining my arms that had somehow found their way protectively around my chest. He frowned at them briefly and then glanced back up at me.

"He's never coming back," I said just above a whisper. "Even if he did, he wouldn't want me anyway."

I was trying to put his mind at ease, because really what did it matter anyway? Jacob was acting as if there was even a remote possibility that Edward would return to Forks and beg to take me back. I knew better than that. I tried to push away the farewell words that were now painfully echoing in my mind.

It will be as if I never existed.

I huffed as I felt the emptiness inside my chest transform into anger. I lowered my arms and felt my fists start to clench. Yeah, so much for that, Edward.

"Yeah,"Jacob said, laughing bitterly. "He's not coming back."

Something in his tone made it seem as if he were trying to convince himself. I carefully studied his expression--his eyes were guarded. Was he hiding something from me?

"What's going on?" I asked reaching up to smooth the crease that was forming in between his eyebrows. "Why are you bringing something up that is never going to happen?"

"I don't know," he said quietly and I could tell he was lying. He was careful to look at everything else but me. Something must have happened to bring on all of his insecurities. Something that he obviously didn't want me to know.

"Does this have something to do with Cole?" I asked, suddenly realizing that the first time he started acting weird was this morning when he found out that Cole would be returning to school.

"I do wish he'd go back to where he came from," he said as his body visibly tensed. "Things were great between us before he showed up."

"Everything is fine between us,"I said optimistically, unsure of which of us I was trying to convince. It's not like I felt our relationship was in jeopardy, but there was a lot of tension between us lately. Why did things always have to be so difficult?

He laughed without humor and took a few steps away from me, bending down to pick up a weird-shaped rock to examine. "Yeah…..everything is fine."

He glanced over at me and smiled. His smile seemed genuine enough, although it wasn't the same smile I loved. It wasn't the one that belonged to my Jacob. It would have to be enough, though. It would have to be enough to get us through this.

The bonfire that evening practically passed by in a complete blur. Apparently this fire was different from the last one I attended. I was shocked to find that almost everyone that lived on Jacob's reservation was present. I vaguely remember Jake telling me they only had this particular gathering once a year—it was symbolic and consisted of welcoming the newborns of the reservation and telling stories of their ancestry.

I remember sitting in between Jacob's legs—his arms wrapped firmly around my waist—when Charlie showed up with Billy. I hadn't even known that he was going to come. Charlie nodded at me and eyed Jacob's hands before simply shrugging, and walking over to sit with some of the other adults. The rest of the pack was also there, scattered in various places surrounding the blaze. Embry made sure to take the seat directly beside Jake and me so he could periodically start humming the music to some of Mariah Carey's biggest hits. I kept trying to stifle back my laughter while Jacob would just glare at him. If looks could kill….

At some point in the night, I did take notice that Leah was sitting across from us, still staring painfully at the romantic exchanges between Emily and Sam. Her little brother Seth was sitting over by his mom, who was deep in conversation with Charlie. Paul and Jared were flirting with a group of girls. No surprise there, in fact, Embry had already gotten up to join them. My eyes scanned over to a corner to the left of me, when I noticed him. Quil was sitting all by himself staring hopelessly into the flames. He looked uncomfortable, like he would rather be anywhere than here—at this fire—with his former best friends. I felt terrible for him. I felt guilty. How did I deserve to know this secret when he couldn't?

"Don't worry," Jacob spoke quietly against my neck. "He will be joining us soon enough." I just nodded; surprised how, once again, Jacob seemed to be tuned directly into my thoughts.

By the time the story telling started, I had already eaten too many marshmallows. My stomach was rumbling, punishing me for my gluttony. I couldn't concentrate on anything the elders were saying because my mind was on other things. Jacob. Cole. Edward. Jacob. Cole. Edward. Jacob. Cole—

"You alright?" Jacob whispered into my ear, interrupting my thoughts.

"Mmhmm," I murmured, too tired to actually speak.

My eyes were growing heavy and my body was limp. I felt warm lips brush gently against the side of my head. I felt fingers run soothingly through my hair. I closed my eyes and let my thoughts overcome me…

I must have fallen asleep because the next time my eyes opened I was in Jacob's arms and we were moving. He looked down at me and smiled the smile I love.

"I fell asleep," I said, my voice weak and thick with sleep.

"You were tired."

"Where are we going?" I asked quietly.

"I'm taking you home," he said.

My eyes widened. He was going to carry me all the way to Forks?

"Relax Bella, we're going to take my car," he said, laughing lightly. He read my mind. Again.

Once we reached his car, he gently sat me down, opening the passenger side door. I stretched before climbing inside. He crawled in behind the wheel and started up the engine, automatically reaching for the dash to turn up the heat.

"I missed the campfire stories…" I said, once we were on the main road to my house. What I really wanted to say was: Yeah, so Cole is coming over to my house tomorrow at noon.

"Don't worry about it," he replied, reaching across the console to grab my hand. "They weren't really anything you haven't already heard before."

I nodded and we both fell silent. I felt as though there was an unspoken knowledge between us. He knew I was hiding something from him and I knew he was hiding something from me. I glanced over at him; his eyes were intently focused on the road. I let my eyes scan his features—his once boyish cheeks were now narrow and pronounced—his once innocent eyes were now dark and full of depth—his once inconspicuous lips were now desirable and luring me in. He was beautiful. My stares did not go unnoticed because he sighed and glanced over at me.

"What?" he asked.

"You're beautiful," I told him, unable to keep my thoughts to myself. My words immediately took me back to a time when I confessed this to him. A time that seemed to exist only in another universe where Jacob was just Jacob and I was just Bella. A time when no werewolves or vampires came between the ease of our friendship. A time that I would easily trade again in a heartbeat to feel the love I feel for him now.

He raised an eyebrow at me and grinned. "Thanks? I mean, I guess that's an improvement from 'sort of beautiful' right?"

"You remember that?" I asked, kind of surprised and maybe a little embarrassed.

"Of course I remember that," he admitted. "It meant a lot to me."

"I was so crazy about you, Bella," he continued once he realized I wasn't going to respond. "I think I pretty much hung on your every word."

"And now?" I asked.

"And now I am still crazy about you," he said, smiling and turning his attention back to the road. "And I still hang on your every word. I guess not much has changed."

"Well yeah, except now I am crazy about you, too," I said, gently squeezing his hand.

"How crazy?" he asked.

"Crazy enough to still love you even though you listen to Mariah Carey," I teased.

He looked surprised for a second and then chuckled, shaking his head back and forth. "Well, you better clear your schedule for tomorrow."

His words immobilized me as my guilt instantly settled in. I swallowed hard. Clear my schedule tomorrow…

"For—for what?" I asked quietly, not trusting my voice. Did he already know about Cole? That was impossible.

"For Embry's funeral," he said smiling wryly, parking his car in my driveway.

"Oh, of course that's what you meant," I said, trying to force a laugh. I was unable to feel the slightest bit of relief because I knew I still had to tell him. Didn't I? I mean, I couldn't lie to him about this. Could I?

"Yeah, he's going to be one dead pup," he replied, completely unaware of the dilemma I was experiencing. "I mean, I really can't believe he told you that, he promised me he would keep it between us. Seriously, he can be such an asshole sometimes. He's my best friend and all but sometimes I really, truly want to beat the crap out of him. You just wait, as soon as he finds a girl that will put up with him, I am so going to--"

"Jacob, I have something to tell you," I blurted out, interrupting him. I couldn't stand it anymore. The secret was slowly eating away at me. I was mentally and physically exhausted from trying to hide it.

"What is it?" he asked, a little confused by my sudden outburst.

"Please don't freak out," I pleaded, quietly.

"Just tell me," he said, his voice losing some of its softness.

I took a deep breath. "Tomorrow…around noon…."

He looked at me expectantly.

"Cole may or may not be coming to my house," I blurted.

There.

I did it.

I told him.

Why was he looking at me like that?

"It's not that big of a deal, Jacob. He is bored and we have a project to do for school," I said, stuttering over my words.

"Fine," he said, his features relaxing.

Fine? I wasn't expecting that response.

"You're not mad?" I asked, unable to hide my shock.

"No, whatever," he replied, running one of his hands through his spiky hair. I carefully examined him. He looked over at me and smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes. "Bella, I am done trying to tell you what to do. You can make your own decisions."

My heart sank. I could handle the guilt if he would yell at me and get angry, but I couldn't handle this. It only made me feel worse.

"But I didn't really make the decision, I mean, it's not what you think, he just--"

Jacob interrupted me by placing his hand on my cheek and gently silencing my lips with his thumb. "It's okay."

I felt my heart beat just a little faster beneath his touch. When his eyes gradually diverted down to my mouth, I knew what to expect next. Instinctively, I licked my lips in anticipation. He leaned over the console and gently brought his mouth to mine. The kiss was too light-- nothing but a tease—leaving me wanting more. He backed slightly away but I could still feel his breath on my mouth—his heat all around me. I felt my teeth sinking into my bottom lip.

"Just don't forget what this feels like," he breathed.

His lips were on mine again, kissing me gently--but with force. His hands were in my hair, pulling me closer--but not close enough. When he pulled away, I was breathless--but feeling more alive.

"Goodnight," he said, softly, never taking his eyes off of me.

"Goodnight," I said, unable to move.

I would never forget the way that felt.