Garrett had a tendency to make himself known whenever he was entering an area. Loud comments, heavy weaponry, and curious company were the hallmarks of the warrior's bluster. When he crept into the clinic looking more like a wounded mabari puppy, Anders was immediately concerned. "…Hawke?"
"She left me." He seemed utterly confused.
"Who? What happened?"
"Isabela. She's…gone."
Anders kicked out a chair from beneath a table and motioned for his friend to sit. "I don't understand. You're going to have to start from the beginning."
"She got a tip about that relic she's always been on about. Said it was a life or death situation. Turns out that relic is some ancient Qunari book, and that's why they haven't been leaving the city. They want it back."
Political tensions in the city had been strained lately, due to the Qunari's refusal to leave Kirkwall. Anders knew that Garrett had been pressured by the viscount, the Chantry, and Aveline to help find a peaceful solution. Nothing he had done so far had convinced anyone that such a solution could be found. "Let me guess," he said. "Isabela wasn't crazy about the idea of turning it over."
"I left it up to her. If she needed it, if her life really depended on it, then how could I tell her to return it?"
"Quite the dilemma indeed." He pulled out a second chair for himself. "And something tells me that now both Isabela and the Qunari's precious tome have vanished."
"I don't even care about the stupid book." Garrett's bewildered expression hadn't faded, and it was tinged with his disappointment. "Not only did I want her to be safe, I wanted her to trust me. And then, after scribbling a quick farewell note, she just left."
Anders knew the anguish of such an unexpected separation far too well. "I'm sorry."
"I am too, for dumping all of this on you. I just didn't know where else to go. If I went to The Hanged Man to drown my sorrows, I'd have to listen to Varric's 'I told you sos' for the rest of the night." He groaned. "I'm such an idiot. I thought I could be the one who was different. I thought I'd be enough for her to want to stick around."
"For what it's worth, I thought you could be, too."
The two men sat in silence, each contemplating the other's situation, as well as his own. "Do you ever sometimes wonder if it would have been easier if we had never loved them in the first place?" Garrett finally asked.
"Every day I wake up alone," he admitted. "But when it comes down to it, I wouldn't change a single moment."
"…Neither would I." He stood up. "I should get going. I hate to go to bed by myself, but I do need to sleep. This whole mess with the Qunari is likely to boil over any day, and I'm sure I'm going to find myself thrust into the middle of it."
Anders nodded. "Let me know if you need anything."
"I'll come to you if I need any cuts or scrapes patched up. Mending a broken heart should probably be done on my own," he tried to joke.
"I don't think I have a spell or a potion for that."
Garrett slipped out of the clinic as quietly as he had come in. Anders was sympathetic to his plight, but his thoughts eventually turned back to his own loneliness. The Qunari had provided a formidable distraction from his many woes. The city as a whole was even more focused on the unwanted squatters than they were on persecuting mages. The weary warrior was likely correct – getting them out of Kirkwall was not going to be easy. Bloodshed would be inevitable. Whether or not Isabela's actions would prove to be the catalyst that sparked the ultimate battle remained to be seen.
Anders hadn't abandoned his plans to fight for the mages, just delayed them. He didn't even know exactly what he was going to do yet. By now he had realized that any sort of progress would take drastic action. He just had to decide how far he was willing to go.
Now more than ever, he wished he had Bethany to confide in, to listen to him, to support him. No one else in the city had shown the same capacity to love and understand him as she had, and he still missed her terribly. Her brief message to him following his loss of control beneath the Gallows had indicated that she still cared for him, as much as she may have wanted to forget that fact. After all that had happened, he couldn't completely relinquish the dream of one day living in a world where they could be together.
It had been years since he'd last seen her, yet he could remember every detail about her with excruciating perfection. If he closed his eyes, he could picture her standing before him, coquettishly leaning against the desk and demanding his full attention. Strands of her glossy hair would sweep across her cheekbones, and he would push it back before kissing her plump, pink lips. He could still taste her, and feel her body writhe against him when he probed into her mouth. The heaving of her chest, the weight of her breast in his hand, and the involuntary undulations of her hips were all permanently etched into his mind.
Were she with him, she would banish the darkness that had settled around him like a toxic haze. She would bring light and laughter back into his life and save him from despair. The mere touch of her skin would bring comfort to him, before her flesh surrounded him with an intimate love that held the power to make him forget every hardship he had ever faced.
The impossible scenes were so vivid, it was difficult for Anders to tear himself away from the fantasy. After more rational consideration, he knew he couldn't promise that she would be better off with him. Involving her in anything he might do would only put her safety at risk, and he wasn't willing to jeopardize her well-being for his more selfish desires. He would fight for her, but from afar.
Bleak times lay in store for Kirkwall; of that, he was certain. If the Circle could serve a purpose, he hoped it would keep her out of harm's way, should the Qunari declare war on the city. There would be violence, and death would be impossible to avoid. Regardless of how much he missed her, Anders couldn't bear to think of anything disrupting the pristine images of his Bethany that he always held close to his heart.