NGS Chapter 20 'A Spy Unmasked' or 'Flight For Life'
Hullo! I'm the elusive spy still aboard the 'Tracer Trax' starship with Legato Bluesummers and Edgar Allan Poe only they still think I am kindly bumbling old Lord Peter Wimsey. I think I'll let all of you chaps and fair maidens stew a little while longer. Of course, I know that Zorin Oakenshield and his mates have been arrested by Johnny Raven. However, who said that ZO was the leader of the coup against the time lords, eh? Who is the real leader?
Well, first things first. Bunter? Pardon me, may I introduce my butler and dear friend, Bunter. Sorry, but I have no idea what his Christian name might be. I have never asked and he has never volunteered that information either! So what? What jolly old difference does that make? He does his job and takes jolly good care of me and that's all that counts, what?
The real Lord Peter? On vacation and staying with his brother in Switzerland, I believe. His Bunter? Well, he's either my man here or he's the other Peter's batsman there. What difference does that make, eh? They're clones, y'see! Oh, very well. Bunter just told me that I promised to read out the gobbledey-gook disclaimer stuff. Dry as an old prune, in my opinon.
Well, here we go. We want to thank all the creators whose stuff we're usin' especially Mr Takachiho's 'Lovely Angels' and other creations. Without his kind permission, etc. etc. etc.- we could not have written this tripe. We also have creations of our own and anyone can use 'em so long as we get the accolades we deserve, yowza yowza yowza. Boring, what? Oh, you know all the rest, don't you- by now?
Well, when we left ya at the end of Report 19, we gave ya enough jolly clues as to the identity of 'Shug Nigel's spy in the Ice Gal's castle, don't ya know? Oh, all right, Bunter. They ain't got a clue, have they? Well, here's what happened after the fellow hung up his walkie-talkie gadget and was hidin' it away. Oh, bother!
Mr Ranger Captain Gage and Miss Ranger Captain Cooke, take up the tale, if ye please! Bunter? My brandy snifter seems to be dry, old boy!
My goodness, what an old stuffed shirt, eh Frankie? Hi, it's me again, Sidney Cooke, lady Ranger. Gage is a bit tied up at the moment so I'll be 'takin' up the tale' instead. Frank and I were taking a walk and discussing our costumes for the party. As we were passing the 'rocketsleigh' station, we noticed that Mr Svensky was trying to hide an odd looking communicator under the seat of the sleigh.
When we asked him about it, he took a swing at Gage and Frank pulverized him. Then Walker showed up and the two of them are arguing over why a 'rocketsleigh' pilot was on the phone 55 miles underground when our vidcells won't work tis far down- so Walker hit redial and-
"Yes? Is that you again Sven? Be careful because I think the Frosticle broad is getting suspicious. Better hang up now before someone catches you." said a tinny voice at the other end of the line.
"OK, Lord Nigel. Gotcha. Svensky out." said Walker in a fair imitation of Sven's voice.
"OK. Now what, Walker?" I asked.
"We have our spy. You two tie up Mr Svensky here while I go and find Her Highness." said Walker.
"I think she's with Alex and Alley Cat. C'mon Siddy. Gimme a hand with this lout. Walker, what should we do with him? This freezer box ain't got no jail that I can see." said Frank.
"Bring him along to the great hall. You two decided on your costumes yet? I can't wait to see what Alex has picked out for me to wear. I'll meet ya in the hall." said Walker and off he went.
As soon as Mr Svensky was trussed up like a ThanksForGiving turkey, we dragged him down to the great hall where we found Lady Deirdre and Gertie Nightowl repping up costumes for tonight's bash. Jimmy was sitting in an easy chair with a cup of hot mocha latte java in his fist. Walker was in animated conversation with some red-headed pirate who seemed vaguely familiar to us.
"I regret that I have failed my master. That will not stop the coup. Lord Jordelanz has already set the plans in motion. We strike 'Mongo' tonight! It is too late for you to stop it now, you fools!" shouted Mr Svensky and the pirate whirled on us.
"Did you say Jordelanz is part of this treachery, you lapdog bastard?" snapped Princess Freya angrily.
"So you are the traitorous worm who serves the dog who killed your King! To the tower with him! Trengett!" roared the demure fair maiden, brandishing her cutlass and Mr S was quaking in his boots.
"No, Your Highness. He may have vital information about Nigel. Siddy and me heard him say something about 'Mongo' and a pending attack tonight. Walker?" said Gage.
"Let me at him, Guvnors, milady. I'll get the truth outta him!" yelled Trog who was all dolled up like the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland.
"Milady, do you have a secure chamber down here we can use for a jail?" I asked Lady Freya and she sheathed her blade and nodded.
"Put the dog in the 'glacier hole'. We will take him with us tomorrow. He will answer to the Federation." commanded the pirate queen.
"Milady, the 'glacier hole' is unstable. It could collapse at any moment." said Tyronna Fangdon, but milady was not to be deterred.
"It will be safe enough for him until the morrow. We can question him at our leisure on the voyage. Perhaps he even knows the identity of your 'Wimsey' spy aboard the 'Tracer Trax'." she said grimly, fingering her flintlock pistols.
"Blue said everyone has been accounted for on the 'TT' except for Wimsey and his servant. Poe thinks he's aboard the 'Emerald Queen' in yet another disguise." said Romana who was fitting a costume on Lady Klaudina for tonight's festivities.
"I dunno if you can hear me or not Mr Reef, but this is Sidney Cooke 'mind sending' to you, sir. Please check your crew roster and see if you don't have an extra crewman or passenger aboard. If you do, detain them in the brig for questioning. He may be disguised as either Lord Wimsey or his manservant, a Mr Bunter. We believe that he is a spy for Oakbrain. Yes, I know that ZO and his pals have all been arrested by Johnny Raven on 'Minerva' but, isn't it possible that Oak Tree had another partner in crime and that this spy will now report to him or her? Thank you, sir." I thought and a new voice now replied inside of my mind.
"I hear you, Ranger Cooke. This is Sub-Commander Zoe Morton. I am ship's navigator for the 'Emerald Queen'. You can only 'mind send' to a telepath or a Beta Zoid like me. Neither KR nor Annie Hathaway are telepathic, my dear. I will convey your message to Major Reef and Captain Hathaway. I will have them chceck personnel against the roster immediately. Thank you for your suggestion, Siddy. Why, what a pretty costume. Have fun tonight and we will see you tomorrow at 0600 hours, 6 in the morning. Tell Major Walker that we will send over a shuttle for you guys at six on the dot. Never fear, we will be 'cloaked'. Morton out."
I hastened to tell Walker and Freya. But where would they be able to put down? Too cold outside surely? I asked Her Highness.
She pointed to a huge crystal cavern lit with what appeared to be- fireflies!
"There's a hidden entrance on the outside for the shuttle to use. The fireflies' reflected light beams will not show on the outside more than a few metres. I am having provisions for the journey brought to the chamber. Tomorrow we will quickly load up and lift off. We will be aether-borne before breakfast-time. Do not worry about the attack on 'Mongo' tonight, dear child. I have already sent a garrison of 'Jomdath Jega' troops to quell any such attack on our new King. My brother, Fafnir Icedragon and his Ice Air Corps will protect us and accompany us all the way to your world. Hello Mouser, I did not know you had already arrived." said Freya. Her last remark was directed at a short man in grey armour who barely reached as high as my breasts!
"Siddy, meet my cousin, Grey D Mouser. Fafnir sent him to guard our prisoner below. Are you also coming with us, cousin?" asked Freya but he shook his head and continued to use his dagger to carve a small piece of ice into a semblance of me!
"No, 'Snow Girl', I am not and neither will this treacherous sleigh driver be coming with you. Your brother has ordered me to take him to the Federation Senate Council at Kurestan on Alderaan. We leave now." said the little man, handing me the 'ice portrait' of myself, lowering his head to the icy floor. Who says chivalry is dead? His cousin bristled with rage.
"My brother counts on my good graces overmuch these last few weeks, Grey! I'll be damned if I allow this popinjay to slip through my fingers so easily!" seethed the ice princess, striking the floor with her cutlass so hard that the tip penetrated the ice!
"Have a care, dear cousin. You forget who is the ruler here, the real ruler." he said, breaking off a 'sweetcicle' ice shard from the wall and chewing on its end. For me, that was the last damned straw!
"How dare you speak to her like that, you pig! You know damned well that Freya rules 'Fryyggia', not you, sir!" I yelled and he smiled at me.
"If my dear cousin is the actual ruler of this kingdom, why is she not a queen? (I looked all asea) Fafnir Snowdragon is the true king of this land. However, like your own Doctor, he prefers to fight rather than rule. Let me assure you though- He is the ruler of 'Fryyggia' and permits his sister to administer to his subjects.
"Freya, he does not exert his authority on you that much but, this time, he commands me to bring the traitour to Alderaan for justice. Will you disobey a royal edict, my dear cousin? Think of the consequences, Freya." said Grey.
"Oh, very well, cousin. Take the fool and begone. Tell Fafnir that I will neither forget nor forgive this insult- and he can take that to the royal coffers, dammit!" growled Freya, storming towards the kitchens.
"Where is he?" demanded Grey D Mouser, toying with the hilt of one of a dozen daggers he wore criss-crossed on his battle armour.
"Someplace called the 'glacier hole', sir." I volunteered and he again touched his forehead to the floor and backed away without straightening up.
"No! No! I want to stand trial on 'Shimougou', not Alderaan!" screamed Mr Svensky, straining against the forced beam handcuffs and foot shackles while Grey amused himself by jabbing his dagger into the cringing and terrified sleigh driver and shoving him roughly into the 'fireflies-lit' chamber. Then I saw them both step through the frosty air and disappear!
"My cousin's star cruiser is 'cloaked' as will be my brother's armada tomorrow. Ah well, at least we will have no more need of an extra guard. Tell Romsdorf that he may take the evening off, Trog. Have you all packed your kits? There will be no time in the morning. I am quite impatient to see this Academy of yours, my dear girl." said Freya.
We heard the blast of Grey's thrusters and then he and his prisoner were both gone. Now, in a way, I am turning the narration over to Alex Walker. You will soon see the meaning behind my cryptic words 'in a way'. Ooh! I love that costume, Gertie!
'Dreams of A new Home and a Classic Vidnovel' as related by Alexandra Cahill Walker during the time before the big Hall-o-we'en party on 'Fryyggia':
I am a little embarrassed to admit that I fell asleep while re-reading my favourite Christmas story, a classic tale which I am almost certain that you will recognize even though it's been through my fertile imagination, guys!
"Might I help you, Milady Walker? Perhaps you are seeking a vidnovel to read while you await the festivities?" asked a voice at my shoulder. I turned and stared at- nothing! Slowly the shadows parted and 'Shadow Daddy' strode over to where I had been looking for a certain book to read from Princess Freya's immense library.
"Perhaps this is what you were seeking, my dear child?" he asked and a vidnovel copy of Mr Dickens's immortal classic for the holidays- 'A Christas Carol'- floated into my hands and then attached itself to my PDO unit! I was astonished!
"How did you know- never mind, forget it, Spooky. Thanks for the book thing. If anyone wants me, I'll be in Lady Freya's study. I like to look at the stars outside. Bye." I said and shivered when I reached the hallway. I pulled my silvery white cloak closer around my shoulders and quickened my pace.
Freya's 'study' was almost a carbonite copy of the 'star rooms' on the 3WA starships! I accepted the 'treacle tea' from Ezmerra and the plate of scones. Then the maid servant busied herself at the fireplace and soon, a roaring blaze was warming up my chilled body. She indicated the 'spills' beside the tender which could be used to light cigars, cheroots, pipes or cigarettes. I waved away her services and she curtseyed low to me and then quietly left the room, latching the portals behind her. I found out later that she had placed a 'Please Do Not Disturb' placard on the outer portal handles which explained why-
Never mind. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, guys. I sipped my tea which was quite good and began munching on a scone slathered with yummy lime marmalade. Then I stared at my eReader, pardon me, my PDO screen, and began to read the words I knew so very well.
"Marley was dead to begin with, as dead as a doornail-" it ran and soon I began to doze-
"Mr Cratchit! Did you collect the payment from that Frosticle blonde yet?" demanded Mr Chauncey David Scrooge. Mr Scrooge owned a chain of 'Genuine Texas Hold 'Em Chili' restaurants which were scattered across a dozen galaxies. However, these were far from his only sources of income in this Year of Ming 2259.
"Sorry sir, but I gave her another week to come up with the ready, this bein' Christmas Eve and all, man." replied the bearded shorter and much younger man standing before a dwindling stove fire and eyeing the pile of Carbonite 'logs' wistfully.
"Oh, you did, eh? How much interest did ya charge the hussy, Cordell?" demanded the older gentleman, stylus poised above his PDO 'pad'.
"C'mon ya old 'stingypuss', it's Christmas, man! I, uh, knocked another two percent off her rate. She looks so much like my Alexa- I just couldn't help myself, sir. Wanna make somethin' of it, Chauncey?" snapped Cratchit who could have easily wiped up the office floor with the old fool!
"Oh, alright! I'll just add four per cent to her 'late fee' when she comes in to pay it. You're quite a powerful speaker, sir! I wonder you don't go to 'Alderaan' and run for the 'High Senate' like my god-daughter Leia who runs the place. Oh no! It's that 'Goody two Shoes' nephew of mine again- French Toast!" howled Mr Scrooge, trying to hide under his cubby-holed desk.
Throwing open the portals wide and nearly giving everyone double pneumonia, the aforementioned lad strode into the office and helped himself to several of Mrs Cratchit's yummy rum fig newtons.
"He-e-er-e-e-s Freddy!" announced Mr Cordell 'Wausau' Walker Cratchit.
"Hey there 'Lone Eagle'! What's happenin', baby? Gimme 5, man!" yelled the old man's nephew. Mr Scrooge heard the last line and tried to swallow his leatherette fanny pouch!
'Lone Eagle' was Mr Cratchit's 'Shocktowel Indian' name. The chap had lost his parents to some Corrallian pirates and smugglers when he was only 8 solar years of age and he'd been raised on Mars by his Uncle Ray 'Woo Woo' Flamethrower whose Indian name was 'Cheating Coyote' and he lived down to it by teaching his nephew every crooked poker move in the book and out of it too!
When Cordell and Freddie Krueger slapped hands in a 'high five', Scrooge relaxed and took his billfold out of his mouth. Several moth-like insects flew away and were frozen in place instantly. Cratchit hastened to close the portals!
"Well? What the dickens do ye want, Toaster Pastry? I'm a very busy man!" yelled Scrooge who was building a 'house' from a deck of 'bloody' cards. Freddie emptied the candy bowl into his pockets and wished he'd brought along his rucksack as he looked lovingly at the 'logs' beside the stove.
"Got any? (He meant the pastries, of course!) Now, what was it that Revy said to ask ya? (Fred was married to Rebecca 'Revy' Roberts who taught firearms and hand-to-hand combat at the 3WA intergalactic police Academy but she was off duty while her students and several instructors were in the hospital, recovering from her 'demonstrations'. Both Cordell and Chauncey were terrified of that firebrand!) Oh yeah- When ya come to dinner tomorrow around 2 or 3 (Depends on how sober Revy was), could ya bring along a magnum of that blue stuff- 'Romulan Ale'? Revy loves it!
"Lone Eagle? Your brood's welcome too. How's lil'Tiny Siddy' comin' along? She been practicin' with that new blaster we gave her for her seventh birthday, man? Hey! Old man! We wrote down the directions to our place so ya don't get lost again and end up gettin' mistook fer Zorin Oakenshield again! I dunno, Loney. Ya see a little bit of a resemblance there? Around the ears like the old viola maker, Hemlock Stones, said when he was tellin' us about that new monovidbook he was thinkin' of writin', remember, man?" said the garrulous Freddie.
"Ye know danged well that I 'took the pledge' last year, laddie! How would it look for me to be seen buyin' liquor now?" said his uncle.
"And you're too dad gummed cheap to buy Fred and Revy any." observed Cordell.
"And I am too dad gummed cheap to- What did you say, Mr Crap House? Perhaps you'd like to spend the holidays looking for another situation, sir? Damnation! Look at the time! I'm missing 'Walker, Texas Space Power Ranger' on vidTV! I, uh, suppose ye'll be a-wantin' the whole day off tomorry and no, it ain't convenient and it ain't fair neither! If I knocked off twelve UniCreds for it, ye'd think yerself ill used, I'll be bound, sir!" snapped Mr Scrooge.
"Ya old skinflint! Why don't ya give him the next day off too? Then he won't hafta pretend he's too sick to come in to work like he has to do every year, Uncle Pinchpenny! Well, pay the guy his 60 thousand credits already." said Fred, winking at me.
"Oh no ye dinna! I only pay Mr Crap Shoot 35 thousand credits a week! What's yer paw out fer? As soon as ye turn 25, ye'll gits yer Mum's inheritance or however much is left by then! I'm takin' good care of you, sonny." said Scrooge, overpaying his enforcer/collector by several thousand UniCreds which the honest Cordell slipped the overage of back into the safe which was protected by Shenron the Eternal Dragon's brother- Mr Lizard.
"Oh, hullo there, Freddie boy. Pass me a few of those rum newtons ya stuck in yer pockets! Howdy, 'Wausau'. How's the missus and the bairns? Yo! Stupid! Ya fergot yer lines again! 'A poor excuse-', remember?" said Mr Lizard and Scrooge tried to snap his fingers which were frozen to his latch vidkeys!
"Huh? Oh, right-o! A poor excuse fer pickin' a man's pockets every 25th of NovDec and I know danged blasted well it's only once a cycle, Mr Crap Game! Fred! Where's the wreath? Did you forget the tradition? You bring the wreath and I shove it over your head and pinion yer arms with it afore I boot ye oot the portals! I wonder if I should get some soft chokkies fer Old MacMarlin's visit tonight? Poor old fellow can't chew withoot his choppers and I fergot to bury 'em with the old coot.
"Mr Crap Paper? Be here all the earlier the next day so ye kin clean up them Guy Hawks bonfire ashes afore the Minister of Health sees 'em in me back alley! Oh, here's a 'hay senn', Fruit Loops! Go home and sober up Rebecca fer tomorry! Yes, by that time, I'll have been 'turned' and I won't fergits the booze neither! Now I must rush! If I'm late pickin' up my 'grool', Miz Grendel will suck my blood fer sure!
"She so looks ferwards ta our annual 'haggling session'. This year I may let her win. Seal the portals behind yerselves and I'll see ye both tomorry at '7 Wistful Vista' sharp at 1400 hours. That's 2 PM, Dumbass. I wish you'd learn Universal Time like everybody else, nephew. Oh, yes- don't fergits ta give Mr L a 'candysicle' ice shard so he will watch me safe." said the old fool and off he strode, slippin' and slidin' down the highway and knocking carolers galley west!
"Well, it's about time, CD! Do ya know what o'clock it is, man? I've been here since 1800! Look, we do this stuff every year, Chauncey and every year, you are always late! Did ya at least remember the gooey chokky eclairs? And this time, I am takin' my dentures back to Hell with me, CD! Oh, sit down and eat your (YUCK!) 'grool'! Ya know that stuff's gonna kill ya one o' these days, man!
"Now- to business. Tonight, 'White Eagle', yer enforcer's 'Uncle Ray' and Spike Steigel will be visitin' ye and-" began James Trivette MacMarlin. Scrooge let out a mild oath when he burned his fingers while trying to put out the flame on a 'spill'.
"Oh, Sheep Dip! Who the dickens is that last 'un? He warn't here last Christmas Eve." yelped the old man, sucking on his fingers.
"Some drunk we shanghaied from the pub. The 'Great Spirit' we usually use for 'Yet to Come' was on vacation. It's a non-talkie role so we thought that the lush would be OK. Well, it's too damned late to get anybody else so-" said MacMarlin.
"Oh, OK! Enough already! They come at 0100, 0200 and 0300 hours, right?" asked the old fool and Mac's jaw dropped right to the floor!
"Cheap muslin! We need a bigger budget, Jimmy. Hold still while I tie up your jaw again, Jimbo." chuckled Scrooge.
"Dammit, Big Dog! Every year ya screw up those times! Expect the first at the stroke of one, the second tomorrow night at the same hour and the third the following night when the last stroke of one has ceased to vibrate. Otherwise, your morning speech to the street brat don't make no sense- 'the spirits have done it all in one night, et cetera, remember now?" prompted MacMarlin and Scrooge hung his head in shame or was there too much mead in the 'grool' again?
"Wake up, ya old fool! I ain't got all night, dang it!" grumbled 'Uncle Ray' Flamethrower who kept checking his new wristchromo so he wouldn't miss the big poker game on the 'Maverick' at 0200.
"Eh? Are ye the spirit whose-" stammered Scrooge.
"Yeah, I'm 'Spirit Past', your past, Gramps. Now let's jump out the window so I can get back in time for my poker game." said 'Uncle Ray', practicing his 'quick shuffle' and 'stack the deck' techniques with his deck of 'bloody' cards.
"I am a mortal and liable to fall on my fanny-" complained CD Scrooge while 'Uncle Ray' tossed him through the window. No time to open the damned thing!
"I remember this place! There's Miss Roberts! I was engaged to her, ya know." said Scrooge.
"No, Stupid! Ya went to school here and ya tried to have yer way with 'Swimming Antelope' until her Daddy, 'Chief Scalp M Good' showed up and blasted yer keester with his blaster! Look at the time! Time fer 'Fancy Pants', yer old boss.
"I remember. He insisted that I run the place and keep all the profits for myself, Ray." said Chauncey, getting it wrong again.
"No! You swindled him outta the warehouse in a crooked card game, CD!" yelled an exasperated 'Past Spirit'.
"There's the gal you proposed to, pal. Remember that day?" added the Indian gambler, glancing at a wall chromo.
"Of course! I chose the same day that Mr Craps-A-Lot was due to collect on her mortgage! If I had only gotten there sooner! I could have stopped him before he broke her knee caps and drowned the cat in the water closet. Maybe she would have married me. I even brought Father Miroku with me to save time and money. Hmmn. Five to two already." said Scrooge.
"Look, you know the way back, right? 'Whitey' will meet ya back at yer place, OK? I can't miss this game, man! Yancy Derringer's hosting it. Darn! Lend me a few quid, will ya? Ya know I'm good fer it! Yeah, 12K is fine! Bye bye." said 'Past Spirit' and he melted into the aether, leaving Scrooge back home in his own dump. The bedside chromo's luminous dial read 0100 and the klaxons began to bong.
"Come in! Come in! Come in and know me better, Stingy! Get in here or should I send 'Wausau' to fetch ye?" roared 'Spirit of Christmas Present' (Like in 'Now', not 'Gifts', OK?)
"Here I comes, Boss!" howled Scrooge, hiding his fanny pouch in the commode. Never could tell when the old fool would be collecting fer his 'Widows & Orphans Fund' which donations, somehow, always ended up on 'Gamblers Paradise' floating space casino!
"Got any cash, Silas Marner?" demanded 'White Eagle' who was smoking an opium 'peace pipe'. Scrooge dozed off while the old fool ranted on and on about the 'Great Spirit', the 'Father of the World', Chief Halftown, Tonto, Cochise and Jay Silverheels!
"In conclusinon, brothers and sisters, this 'Fellowship of the Moon' meeting now draws to its close. But first, this sinner must be made to repent his ways- Wake up, Miser Boy! we have a date, a dinner date- at Revy and Fred's place. We used to go to Cratchit's place too but the budget is too tight this year. Our bosses are even stingier than you are, CD, my boy! Here we go!" said 'Whitey', whirling Scrooge around his head in an airplane spin, causing poor Scrooge to yell for someone to open the damned window- quick!
ZOOM! off they went to '7 Wistful Vista' where the door was answered by a buxom lady not unlike Mr Holmes's landlady, Mrs Hudson.
"Jest a minute, Mr Red Indian, Mr Pennypincher. Oh me gawd! Fibber McGee, dinna ye open that closet! Oh me goodness! Things fallin' outta the closet! What a darned mess ye've made, Fibber! Come on, please and be keerful ye dinna slips and falls on all the junk from me hubby's closet! Mr & Missus Kreuger! Ye gots comp'ny! Yer fool uncle-in-law and that strange Red Indian he picked up at the terbakky shop!" yelled Molly at the top of her lungs.
Scrooge's own fault. Good help costs UniCreds these days! Fred and Revy did the best they could with her salary. Freddie was a professional bum who thought of himself as a modern day 'Freddie the Freeloader' only none of the vidnetworks wanted such a silly character on vidTV anymore!
The Cratchit kids were swinging from the chandeliers while 'Tiny Siddy' had been blindfolded and turned about three times before a Mark XII ion cannon blaster was pressed into her hands for a jolly round of 'Blast the Nekomata' while a cute 'catgirl' cavorted all around the huge 'great room', dodging the lethal 'bolts' of energy. Not to worry! Siddy's blaster was on its lowest setting.
Their hostess was three sheets to the solar winds and firing her 'Cutlass' automatic pistols into the ceiling. Fred was singing an offkey version of 'Hooray for Captain Spaulding' while the two portly gentlemen who usually collected for the poor and destitute were dropping andirons and fireplace pokers into the punch bowls.
"Ain't none o' ye gonna help me out here in the kitchen, dammit all?" yelled a frowsy housewife who was a striking blonde knockout babe.
"Wow! Check out them boobies! Dibs on her first!" howled a drunken Stutz from the top of the Christmas tree.
"Like Hell, ya old fool! I seen her first, dammit!" yelled Waldorf who was sitting in the egg nog bowl!
"Where's our Martha?" called Cordell Cratchit who had so many kids that he needed a programme to remember all of their names! He usually fell back on Mr Dickens's character names for them instead.
"Down the lane with what's his name watching the pudding bubble in its kettle! Peter! I told you to 'mash' the potatoes, not your sister! Belinda! Get out of the oven and stop playing 'Hansel & Gretel'! Cor-dell! Do something about YOUR children! Didn't that old skinflint give ya a bonus this year- again? I wish I had him here! I'd let Belinda stick him in the oven!" yelled Alexa Cratchit who was working on her third bottle of cooking sherry.
"Alexa! Are you drinking?" demanded a horrorstruck Cordell Cratchit.
"O' course not (hic!) dearie. I needed an empty bottle for the vanilla extract and I'm emptyin' a few more o' 'em while I'm at it, man!" she replied. (Never kin tell when ye'll need an empty for this spice or that one!)
When Revy's pistol brought down a chunk of Kelvinite and Siddy's blaster 'bolt' singed CD's moustache, the poor guy had had enough and jumped out of the window and smack dab into the middle of 'Kabbuu Kichuu' on the outskirts of 'Splattertown'.
A nearby chromo bonged the hour of one and a tall skinny guy in a rumpled suit collapsed on top of Scrooge!
"The 'Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come', I presume? Oh please, use some breath mints! Yech!" complained Scrooge and the apparition popped a cigarette into his ear. Scrooge politely place it in the guy's mouth and lit it using the simple expedient of pulling down a flexible lamp post and igniting the cigarette with its beam.
"Am I supposed to take you somewhere, man?" asked Spike Steigel who was wondering where his 'Swordfish II' shuttlecraft had gotten to. Scrooge handed him a script and indicated where they were in the show.
"I wonder how much swag the old fool has in that 'dragon vault' of his, Pilgrim?" asked a tall guy with a cowboy's Stetson hat on his head.
"Dunno. He passed on before he could tell Mr Lizard it was OK to let someone else open the safe. Got any blood, guys?" asked 'Chuckie the Vamp' Norris, a 'turned' human/vampire.
"He's dead? I came by to see if he'll let me have Mr Cratchit to use as a 'hit man' when I take on the 'Red Dragons'." said a tall ash blonde guy with a vulture perched on his shoulder.
"Vicious? How ya been, man? Look, Cordy's probably in mourning but I'm free and I ain't killed nobody in weeks, man!" said Chuckie and the two walked off, arms akimbo.
"They are talking about me, right?" demanded Scrooge.
"How the Hell should I know, man? Ooh! Got any 'Hydroxylein' capsules, man? I got me a big headache, man!" said Spike.
"So do I, sir. So do I. Look! We are right outside of Mr O'Sullivan's 'fence shop'. Shall we go in?" replied Scrooge.
"It's your nightmare, pal, not mine. Maybe they have some headache powders. Lead on, Tubby." said 'Spirit Yet to Come' and somehow Chauncey David Scrooge managed to manhandle the drunken sot into Seamus O'Sullivan's 'fence shop' and they listened while the local crooks tried to con Seamus out of some UniCreds for the stuff they'd lifted from Scrooge's house.
"No more! It's Christmas Eve so I'm closin' early afore the 3WA night 'tro con' patrol shows up!" said Seamus, activating the 'force beam barriers' around the decrepit old building which was really an ancient TARDIS he'd won in a poker game from some 'time lord'. Seamus liked the poor exterior look because it made the toffs and the yeggs feel sorry for him. That way he could buy stuff for 'sen sens' on the UniCredit!
"C'mon, Tubby. Time to see how the brat's makin' out at 'Wausau's dump. Unless ya wanna reform now maybe? Sure save us a lotta time, man. Then I kin go back to the 'Bebop' and my bunk. How about it, pal?" asked the 'Spirit' who had consumed more 'spirits' than ever this night. Suddenly a voice shook the heavens!
"NO! You will not cheat us this year again, Steigel! Take Mr S to '1515 Camembert Circle' quickly. The night is waning fast and you still have to get him home before morning! The 'Great Spirit' would decide to take a Christmas vacation this year, wouldn't he, dammit! OK, brace yourselves. I'm gonna 'beam' ya both over to the 'Loan Arranger's place. And away we go! Look to hear from me no more until the next treasure hunt. Farewell." roared the same guy who had followed the gang throughout the 'Galactic Treasure Hunt' all the way up to the 'Angelic Pyramid'!
"-You have the right to meet with Mr Mason, Mr Matlock, Mr Orochimaru or any other legal beagle of your choice- must I continue reading this drivel, Mum? I'm getting bored, man." said 'Twisted Fox' (Really Master Peter Wimsey Cratchit but he had rebelled and changed his 'Shocktowel' Indian name!) sleepily.
"Wherever can thy father be, my children?" replied Alexa Walker Cratchit who was still practicing for the local playhouse production of 'Kenilworth'.
"Pop said he might be late on accounta he's got a collection to make at 'Kensington Castle'. The princess has run up a gamblin' tab. It's really high now since 'Lancaster Cow' lost at Ascot last month." said 'Leaping Gazelle', the eldest daughter who was smoking a cigarette and helping herself to her father's 'Jack Daniels' supply.
Suddenly a lamp crashed upstairs and a sleep-walking 'Stumbling Elephant' ('Tiny Siddy') walked sedately down the stairs staring straight ahead of her.
"I want to drink your blood. I am very thirsty." she said, having recently been 'turned' by that old fool of a vampire down the lane who lived with the blonde princess and those seven kids!
"I told ya not to let her keep helpin' out Old Man Godric, Mummy. There's some in the fridge, Sis. I just repped it up last week. Should still be good though." said 'Leaping Gazelle', liftng a sleeping 'Waddling Goosey' down from the Christmas tree where one of the kids had hung her. Then the portals slid open!
"Oh, woe is me! Woe is me! (Cordell was in 'Kenilworth' too!) My poor lil 'Tiny Siddy' is dead! Now who will sing the role of the young princess next week? Oh, woe is me!" said Alexa's hubby who had been celebrating and making rather merry already, it seemed.
"For goodness's sake, Father, she's not really dead, she's 'undead'! OK, she's dead in the daytime, sure, but we're still stuck with her all night, ain't we?" asked 'Twisted Fox', closing up his book of '3WA Intergalactic Law Ordinances' and finishing his shaken, not stirred, vodka Martini.
"Oh 'Spirit'? I say, wake up, 'Spirit'! I've had enough no matter what the 'Woodsman of the Universes' has to say. I am going home! I promise to honour Christmas in my heart and be a good, kind and generous chap and I'm closing up the 'loan shark' business for good and forgiving all of my remaining debtors. I'll make Cordell an equal partner and now his job will be overseeing the management of the restaurants in whatever galaxy he chooses, OK?
"What's that you've got there, sir? My Kami! It's my tombstone! Get rid of it! I'm gonna be a good little boy from now on so call off yer dogs!" yelled Chauncey David Scrooge.
"Who let them dogs out?" yipped a bunch of guys in black and gold uniforms bearing a 'fleur de lis' motif. A white dog in dinner suit and monocle and smoking a cigar hustled the 'Saints' back into the wings until the 'SuperBowl' next month where they would be facing the 'Patriots'. (I had a fiver riding on the game!)
The next morning Mr Scrooge did everything he was supposed to do as per his script and he did try and keep Mr Northman (Godric) from 'turning' 'Tiny Siddy' but he was a tad too late. Oh well, they have the kid nights at least, right? And so, as 'Tiny Siddy' observed- 'Kami bless us, everyone and I need more blood, please.'
Who am I? Why, I am your storyteller guy and host, my dear friends. Dickens, Charles Dickens- at your service.
"Alexandra! Wake up! Time to get your costume on, girl." I said, shaking Alex by the shoulders. Dammit! She must have dozed off! "Alex! Wake up or you'll miss the party, dammit all!" I added and this is Sidney Cooke again.
"Belay that order, Siddy! Bring your costumes and you can have the costume party aboard the 'Queen'. Unless you want to stay in this frozen Hellhole? Let's go. The 'Revenge' is next door in the other cavern. Get a move on. Everyone else is aboard the 'Queen' except you Rangers! KR! Get in here and help the Rangers with their gear!" yelled Annie Hathaway.
"You guys are early." I said and I sounded like a moron, I supposed.
"We picked up some extra time when the solar storms abated around 'Zeldark'. Now get aboard the shuttle so we can blow this gig already. Kouga, round up the others. Freya, you have all of your people aboard? The Saiyaans just arrested Jordelanz and he's in the brig aboard the 'Emerald Queen'. Let's go, people! I want to beat this blizzard!" said the blonde commander.
A few solar hours later, we were all snug and warm and ensconced in our new suites aboard the pirate vessel and winging our way back home to the Academy.
"I just had the strangest dream, guys! You were all in it and CD was an old skinflint. It was funny and scary too. I'll tell you all about it after I have another bowl of good old Texas chili. Pass the hot sauce, please. CD never gets it hot and spicy enough for me." said Alex.
"My Master, the 'Queen' is headed for 'Shimougou'. What are your orders, sire?" asked a cringing underling aboard the immense starship battle cruiser.
"Follow them but not too closely and mask our presence. Remain 'cloaked' and no unnecessary chatter. They must open the barriers around the planet for them to pass through the markers and we will slip the 'Defiant Damnation' through right behind them. Soon I will control the 'Aquarian Galaxy' and the other eleven as well. Here's to the new Order!" replied this mysterious 'Master of the Universes'!
END of Chapter 20. Chapter 21 'Belated Masquerade' or 'The End of the 3WA?' to follow soon. Now we are going to take some much needed time off, my dear friends, readers and followers. Here's wishing everyone a very Happy ThanksForGiving! We really appreciate your support and keep those suggestions coming! Read/Review/Suggest. Sayonara for now- Story Teller Guy.