Chapter 21: Just Breathe

Rachel:

It's late January and I have to admit I'm feeling a bit of senioritis. I don't even GO to school anymore, being "home-schooled" for lack of better term, and I cannot stand the fact that I still have work to do. At least I'm still able to dual enroll—I've been getting some of my basic college classes done online as well, and Cassie sneaks in little dance lessons with me from time to time. Thankfully, Madame T doesn't mind that I'm getting a bit of head start in my training.

Giving a big yawn, I make my way out into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of black tea, as it has more caffeine than other teas do and to keep up with Beth AND my homework, I need to be awake.

Thanks to steady sources of income from both myself and Shelby, we've stopped worrying about whether or not we're going to be able to pay rent or supply Shelby's never-ending coffee addiction. That being said I've considered just making another pot of coffee, (Shelby and Cass took out the pot they made earlier this morning). Maybe I'll drink some later, before I go to work.

"Rayyyyy-chie! Rachie, Rachie!" Beth calls me from her spot in the living room and I make my way back to her as well as my school work. God, I wish the semester was over and it's only just started back up.

"I'm right here, Bethie-boo!" I give her a wide smile after stretching out my legs a little and sighing. I'm starting to feel the stretch of those little exercises Cassie's been having me do.

"Are you out of juice?" I ask my bouncy little sister.

Beth nods her head up and down, holding out her cup and pouting out her lower lip.

"You want me to get you more?" I have to laugh because she's so adorable. Those big, expressive green eyes remind me of Shelby's, even if Beth doesn't belong to her biologically.

"Rayyyychieeee," this time it sounds more like a whine.

"Okay, okay," I shake my head with a smile and set my tea down next to my laptop and notebook. I had been working on an English assignment.

I tussle her hair and scrunch my nose at her as I walk past and take her cup to refill it. She claps her hands together and then continues watching the show I've got on for her. Today it's Angelina Ballerina. I think we all know who's to blame for her love of that, don't we?

My cell starts ringing as I'm screwing the top of the sippy cup and I half jog back to the living room so I can pick it up before it stops. The face flashing on the screen is one of my favorite pictures of Kurt; he's wearing his rhino broach and has his head on Blaine's shoulder. My eyebrows scrunch together when I answer, simultaneously setting Beth's cup in front of her and running my hand over the top of her head, softly.

"Kurt?"

"Hey, Rach."

"Aren't you…in school?" I have to ask.

"Oh," he laughs. "Yeah, it's my free period and I miss you."

My heart melts. "Awe," I climb back into my comfy chair and cross my legs, picking up my tea to hold it in my lap and sip on it. "I miss you too. How is everybody? How's glee?"

This elicits a sigh from Kurt. "Glee is glee. Stressing. Regionals and such, you know the drill."

"I do know," I say softly. If I miss anything the most besides my friends, it's glee club. Sure, I work as a singing waitress, so I have multiple solos a day. But it's not the same. "Would it be bad of me to admit that I actually miss getting ready for competitions?" I wince as I ask, picturing Kurt's expression clearly in my mind.

"You're crazy." Is his diagnosis. "But I guess I can understand that..." he trails off and then asks. "How are things going, Rach? Are you okay?"

"Yeah!" I answer, a little too enthusiastically and a bit too quickly. "Of course! Why wouldn't I be?"

"Rachel…" he sounds worried.

"Same old, same old." I sigh. "It just all feels sort of monotonous. I want to DO something you know? And I miss you guys. I love Shelby and Cassie and Beth so much but…it'd be nice for a little change. A weekend out or something. I've been considering flying out next weekend or something. I think I have enough money…"

"That'd be great, diva. We miss you too. Though I'm not sure what we'd find to do in Lima, aka nowhere, Ohio, of all places."

I shrug. "I'm sure we'd think of something. I just want to be done with school."

"Now THAT I can understand. Just a few more months until graduation. Won't be the same without you." He pauses. "Do you regret leaving?"

…Do I regret leaving?

Of course I don't…I've finally gotten to know Shelby. I've made a friend out of Cassandra and a sister out of Beth and those are opportunities I never would have gotten if I stayed in Lima.

"No, I don't regret leaving. I love it here: I adore the city and I love living with Shelby. I think I'm just…tired. It's been a long couple of weeks." I finally admit.

This capture's his attention. His voice changes to a tone of concern. "What's going on? Are you guys okay? Any signs of Puck?"

I shake my head even though I know he can't see me and pick at the sleeve of my sweater with my thumbnail. "No, no signs of Puck and I think that's the problem. He's got Shelby paranoid."

"He's not a dangerous criminal, Rach," Kurt says, matter-of-factly. "Does she think he's going to storm the apartment with a gun and demand she be in love with him? He's not like that, and she knows it."

"I know, I know," I sigh. "I don't know what's gotten into her. The whole situation just makes her nervous and I think part of her moved back to New York just to get away from that torn up, terrified part of herself. The idea that he might be coming back…"

"Right, right. Well try not to worry about it too much. What are the odds that he's going to just show up on your doorstep?"

We both laugh at the ridiculousness of the idea. Puck could not literally be that stupid, could he? No. No way.

"You're right. And I think Shelby knows that, too. She's just a little on edge, is all."

"Well, I hope she feels better soon. We need to get her a stress-free basket together or something, she's going to make herself sick." Kurt's suggestion is actually not a bad idea.

"Hmm," I press my lips together thoughtfully and write down a couple of ideas in my notebook. "I'll get on that."

"Love you, Diva. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Love you too, Kurt."

We hang up and I look over at Beth, who's giving me an accusatory stare and holding her finger up over her mouth to shush me. She couldn't hear her show over my talking. I laugh and do the same gesture back to her.

"Shush yourself little girl," I smile and she smiles back and leans forward to emphasize the idea that she wants me to shut up. I roll my eyes lovingly. "Well fine." I decide. "I'm going to work on more of my assignments."

With an annoyed little huff, Beth toddles over towards me and climbs onto my lap, putting her whole hand over my mouth.

. . .

Shelby:

"Shelbs, how are those semester transcripts coming?" Cassie pokes her head into her office while I'm working at her desk—it's paperwork day, and there's a lot of it.

"They're…coming, I suppose,"

I'm distracted by twenty things at once. I've got two laptops in front of me and papers scattered all over the desk. I used to be more organized than this, didn't I? When I was in charge of my own glee club, maybe. Now? I work for my lover who is anything but organized. But I try not to let that discourage me by reminding myself that her controlled chaos is one of the things I've always loved about her.

"Okay, well T needs them by three…" Cass is trying her best not to stress me out but her tone is urgent and pleading. If she didn't have classes all day she'd be doing all of this herself. She knows the system a lot better than I do.

I stop what I'm doing and look up at her, feeling helpless and overwhelmed. "ALL of them?!" I demand, setting everything down and letting out a long sigh.

"Honey," Cass pulls herself completely into the doorway and shuts the door behind her. "What's going on with you and Rachel lately? You're both so…distressed and drawn. You just both seem really tired."

"We are tired," I admit. "And we're worried, and we're…"

"Worried about Puck?" she asks me.

I don't respond. Is it about Puck? Hell, I don't know. It's about more than him. It's about the fact that finally something seems to be working but there's the possibility that it might not because of something I did in the past. Because I messed up in the past, I could be messing up my future as well as that of both of my daughters. It's like I can't escape my past no matter what I do. Like starting over doesn't work for me. Maybe it never will.

"Shelby, baby…You two are going to worry yourselves sick. I know, that's just the kind of people you are. You're both overly-anxious, organized planners. Everything has to go the way you originally intended and she is your carbon copy. But sweetheart, I think it's safe to say that in the past couple of years especially you've learned that life isn't like that. It's messy. And I know it's probably hypocritical of me to say any of this; I know I'm bossy and like things to be done my way. But that's why life has a balance, Shelbs. It's yin and yang, all the time, babe. Don't let fear control you."

I bite my lip and look up at her. She always knows just what I need to hear. She really is the perfect woman. "You're right." I whisper. "Of course, you're right. I don't know what I'm doing."

She shrugs. "You're doing the best you can," she understands. She walks behind me and puts her hands on my neck, starting a soft massage. I tilt my head back into her touch. "What can I do to help?"

Good question.

I take a second to think. What do I want right now? What can I do to help myself, what would make me feel better?

I know the answer as soon as I ask the question. If I would just let go of fear and try to just live, like Cassie says…I would be fine. If I could just let go of my past completely and not let it get to me, not let it haunt me…If I could just breathe in confidence and breathe out all of my insecurities like the badass me used to be able to…and all I want is Cassie, Rachel, and my little Beth by my side while I make it through every day. While I finally learn to live.

"Just…be here?" I respond. "With me, and Rachel, and Beth. Just be my love, darling. Love, and family…that's all I need. The rest will all fall into place." I tilt my head back further and look up into her eyes, which are gazing into mine, lovingly.

"Right?" I ask her, just to make sure. To be certain that this is my answer so I can start to work on it. So I can continue along with my happiness sans the fear that's been holding me back for the past few weeks. Once my tension is gone, Rachel's should ease up as well.

"Exactly," she promises, leaning down to place a soft kiss to my lips. "I'm here, Shelby." Her words are the most comforting thing in the world. "I'm not going anywhere."