Chapter Twenty-One

February 2004

The following morning, Joey woke with a heavy heart. Memories from the night before with Zoe and with Charlie rushed back to her. She looked at her best friend who was just coming round beside her. She studied her face and watched the memories dawn on Charlie. Joey recognised the concern on her face and sighed. She lifted the covers and climbed out of bed, scrambling to find her clothes. Charlie sat up, blinking sleepily, confused as to why Joey seemed to be leaving so soon. They always hung out at their leisure whenever Joey stayed over. Grief overwhelmed her as she decided that Joey regretted their kiss. Why else would she be running away?

"Are you leaving so soon?" she asked meekly.

Joey turned to face her, zipping her jeans and nodded.

"I've got a lot of cleaning up to do at home so…"

Her voice trailed off. She sat on the edge of the bed and shoved her shoes onto her feet. Standing and ready to head for the door, she watched Charlie rush over to her. They stared at each other, searching each other's faces.

"Look, about last night…" Joey finally said. "I know it was a mistake. I'm sorry if I took advantage or something. We were both upset and hurting over Zoe and Angelo. It shouldn't have happened."

Charlie fought tears. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of Joey now.

"Yeah," she agreed.

Her heart hurt.

"It was… it was just one of those things. Let's just forget it ever happened."

"Right," Joey said.

The lump in her throat seemed to ache worse every time she and Charlie ended up in this place.

"Well, I'd… I'd better…"

She gestured towards the door. Charlie reached out to hug her and they clung to one another like their lives depended on it. Joey began to cry quietly into Charlie's shoulder while Charlie felt her own eyes becoming moist. She fought hard not to lose control until Joey had left. Pulling away, her heart lurched when she saw the state Joey was in. Joey roughly brushed the tears away and apologised.

"I'm just… you know, with Zoe and everything."

"Right," Charlie said sadly.

"And I was worried that I might have lost you and… just everything."

Charlie nodded, wanting to reassure her but she couldn't find the words.

"I'm going to head out," Joey said, leaving Charlie's arms and rushing towards the door.

April 2004

Joey, Robbo, Aden and Gibsy were out on the water. Gibsy had been Paul's second in command so Brett had promoted him to manager of the boat. It had put Robbo's nose out of joint but Joey had been relieved beyond belief that Robbo had nothing but experience on her. Working on a daily basis with him was torture. She didn't know how she was going to cope with a lifetime of seeing him every day. He was unbearable and without her Dad to protect her, she felt vulnerable. Aden was doing his best but sometimes, a girl needed her parents. The tragedy for Joey was that she didn't have any parents left. She felt like she didn't have much left at all. She and Brett hardly spoke or even saw each other these days. Her dream of working on her father's boat seemed completely destroyed the worse Robbo's behaviour got. He had no respect for women at all and was forever finding fault with her and trying to humiliate her in front of Gibsy. She was only relieved that with Brett owning the trawler that she wasn't likely to get fired. He at least knew what she was capable of. On top of the criticisms, Robbo make comments about her looks and what he'd like to get up to with her. It made her skin crawl. She'd nearly hit him the previous week when he'd walked past and grabbed her backside. And when she was on land, she had Robbo's sister to contend with. Since they had broken up, Joey thought she had coped surprisingly well. With Charlie going through a break up of her own, the two had drawn together and supported each other. They had swept their kiss under the carpet, just as they had always done. After their initial awkwardness the following morning, they had recovered and continued as normal, although it still played on Joey's mind. But they needed each other. They always would. If nothing else, Charlie protected her from Zoe, who wasn't coping as well with the break up as Joey was. Zoe had pleaded with Joey almost on a daily basis to take her back. She'd made promises of coming out and not being jealous of Charlie and she'd apologised profusely over her infidelity. Joey had satisfied her painful curiosity by forcing Zoe to explain to her what had happened and when but it hadn't really made her feel any better. If there was a family she disliked more than any other in the whole town, it was the Cruze family.

"You slacking, girlie?" Robbo asked, snapping Joey out of her thoughts.

She glared at him and continued with what she was doing.

"No, I'm not slacking," she snapped. "I was taking a second to breathe if that's perfectly okay."

"I'd make you breathless any day, babe," he commented, walking away.

She shuddered and focussed on the task in hand.

"Sorry!" Charlie said when she bumped into someone at reception.

She looked up and her heart sank. It was Angelo. They looked at each other for a couple of seconds too long and then hurried away. Charlie wanted to be friends but since he had stormed out on her on Valentine's Day, they had hardly spoken, except for a few shouting matches, which she had lost. All his hurt over her constant lack of interest in him, the fact that she had never told him that she loved him, the fact that she hadn't loved him and the way she dropped him for Joey all the time was all coming out now. He had spent such a long time trying to be happy with Charlie, trying to love her enough for the both of them that he had swallowed his anger and frustration. Now it wouldn't stop spilling out and it was making life difficult. Every time he saw her, he just wanted to shout and scream and make her realise how much she had hurt him. But she never reacted, except to apologise and ask if they could just move on. That infuriated him more than anything.

After work, Joey hurried off the boat and to the Diner. She was starving and couldn't be bothered to cook. Entering the restaurant, she spotted Jack sitting alone and went to join him.

"Hey, do you mind some company?" she asked.

Even though Joey's recent trauma was a secret, Jack's wasn't and she empathised, as well as felt a little guilty for keeping her mouth shut. Now she knew what it felt like to be cheated on and find out so long after the event, she wished she could have changed that situation for Jack, although she wasn't sure finding out at the time would really be any better. He nodded and gestured for her to sit.

"How are you?" she asked.

Jack had been moping around for two months now. It seemed like everyone was unhappy these days. He and Hugo had got into a bitter argument the day after he and Martha had split up and not spoken since. He avoided Martha like the plague, although she didn't make it easy for him. It hadn't escaped his noticed that Martha and Hugo also weren't speaking and that made him feel better but not enough to forgive them for what they had done. He thought back to his time at the police academy. He'd had temptation dangled in front of him on more than one occasion and yet he had always resisted, even when the loneliness was really getting to him. Each time, he reminded himself that the reason he felt so lonely was because he loved Martha so much and that was enough to make sure he never ever sought comfort in another person. It broke his heart that she hadn't been able to do the same thing.

"I'm okay," he replied. "You just have to get on with things, don't you?"

"Yeah," Joey said, nodding.

That's all anybody could do with whatever life threw at them.

"How's everything with you?" Jack asked. "I know things have been hard since your Dad…"

Joey took a breath and nodded, plastering a smile on her face.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I mean, I've adjusted. I miss him. Of course I miss him but I'm coping. And Elsie and Charlie help out a lot. They keep me strong."

Jack smiled, glad that she had support.

"Speak of the devil," Joey said, noticing Charlie entering the Diner.

She was wearing her uniform, on a break from work. Joey could never help noticing how sexy she was in that thing. Spotting them, Charlie waved and headed over.

Sitting round the table, Charlie and Joey kept Jack company with Watson joining them once she had finished work. It felt very strange, after the last year, for Watson to be the only person in a relationship. For as long as she had known Jack, he had been besotted with Martha. Charlie had been in her complicated little relationship with Angelo for much of the time Watson had known her and now even Joey and Zoe, the secret but long standing couple, were over. And Watson, the commitment-phobic police woman had been dating Carol the paramedic since the end of January. It felt surreal. She felt sorry for all of them, although Charlie seemed a hell of a lot happier since she'd been single. Watson had tried and failed not to comment on the reason being that it meant she got to spend as much time with Joey as she wanted. Back in February, after Valentine's Day, Charlie had tearfully called Watson and asked her to take a drive. Out for a pub lunch, Charlie had broken down and told her all about the kiss and Joey's rejection. She still wasn't quite prepared to admit what she wanted from Joey but she seemed to be making progress on her journey. Watson yet again marvelled over the two girls' abilities to ignore the facts and their feelings. She didn't know exactly what had happened between them the morning after, but she was certain that Joey was into Charlie as much as Charlie was into Joey. But since then, they had fallen back into step with each other as normal and behaved as best friends. They were inseparable and friendly and in love without allowing themselves to speak the word.

"We should all go and party this weekend," Watson decided.

Charlie and Joey perked up but Jack didn't look terribly interested.

"I'm not really in the mood," he said.

"That's exactly why you should come," Watson told him.

He sighed and sat up straighter, contemplating the idea. Just as he looked up, he spotted Martha entering Crumble. He sighed and stood up to leave as soon as she spotted him. She called his name desperately but he ignored her. Martha looked helplessly at Charlie, Joey and Watson. Joey wasn't feeling very forgiving but she knew that was about Zoe, not about Martha. Charlie took compassion on her friend and called her over.

"Sorry," Martha said. "I didn't mean to interrupt."

She looked as sad as she felt. Life was so empty now that Jack hated her. She couldn't bear walking around town being able to see him for fleeting moments and then have him run away from her. As soon as they had split up, Hugo had tried to comfort her and she knew instinctively that he wanted them to get back together. She'd pushed him away, as much as it hurt, and she had hardly spoken to him now for two months. If she stood any chance of getting Jack back, she had to keep away from Hugo. She had to prove herself.

"It's okay," Charlie said.

Watson gestured for her to sit down. Martha accepted gratefully.

Charlie and Joey walked out of Crumble together. Everything amongst their friends had been strange since February. Jack and Martha who had once been so inseparable, could no longer be around each other, Zoe kept following Joey around and pleading with her to get back together and Charlie and Angelo kept fighting. The girls were just glad they still had each other and that nothing had been destroyed between them because yet again their lips had got in the way of their friendship.

"What are you up to now?" Charlie asked.

"Just going to head home. I'm in desperate need for a shower," Joey complained.

"Yeah, you reek," Charlie teased.

They embraced, holding on a little too long like they always did.

"So are you screwing her now?"

Joey deflated in Charlie's arms as she heard Zoe charging up to them. They pulled apart and Joey prepared to face to her ex.

"Are you?" Zoe demanded.

"No, Zoe," Joey said tiredly.

She turned to Charlie.

"I'll catch you later," she said.

"Are you sure you don't need me to…?" Charlie asked.

She was worried about Joey having to deal with Zoe alone.

"No, she doesn't need anything from you!" Zoe snapped.

Joey told Charlie more gently that she'd be okay and then she started walking quickly, hoping that she might shake Zoe off. Zoe followed.

"Well?" Zoe asked.

"Well what?" Joey wanted to know.

"Are you and her…?"

"No! For the millionth time, no! And even if we were, what business is it of yours?"

"But you're my…"

"I'm your ex, Zoe. And hardly anyone even knows that. The more you chase me around, the more people will start suspecting you so it's in your best interests to leave me alone."

"I just can't bear the thought of…"

Joey stopped and turned to face her.

"Even if I was with Charlie or anyone else for that matter, it would still have nothing to do with you. All you can do is rest safely in the knowledge that at least I waited until I was single before I spread my legs."

She resumed walking, ignoring Zoe's heartbroken face.

"I'm sorry! How many times can I apologise and beg your forgiveness?" Zoe asked.

"If you want me to forgive you, the best thing you can do is give me space to heal," Joey said.

She didn't want to fight. She didn't want to have anything to do with Zoe anymore. She just wanted to move on with her life. Zoe tugged on her hand.

"Will you ever take me back?" she asked tearfully.

"I don't think so," Joey said sadly.

She turned and walked away.

Belle lay in Aden's arms in her bedroom. He was topless. She ran her hands over his muscles, kissing him passionately. It had been a slow building relationship but Aden really felt like 'the one'. She unhooked her bra to nudge him along. Aden reached for her tenderly.

Joey was just arriving home when she spotted Elsie bent over in the front garden, leaning on the handle of the lawn mower.

"Aunt Elsie!" Joey cried, jogging over.

Elsie straightened up, catching her breath.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, Ross left the mower out after he cut the grass this morning," Elsie explained. "I was trying to shift it back into the shed."

Joey tutted.

"You should have waited for one of us to get home," she insisted. "We would have put it back for you."

She nudged her mother's best friend out of the way and picked up the machine, carrying it easily round to the back of the house. Elsie followed gratefully. Once the shed was locked up safely again, Joey turned to Elsie with her hands on her hips, giving her best disapproving look.

"Don't let me catch you doing heavy lifting again, please," she warned.

"I promise," Elsie smiled. "Can I treat you to some apple pie? I made it for Ross, Charlie and Ruby for after dinner but I don't think anyone will mind if we have a piece now."

"Are you sure?" Joey asked.

"It's the least I can do," Elsie said, leading the way back to the house. "And besides, I don't get to spend nearly enough time with you these days."

Seated at the kitchen table, Joey tucked into possibly the best apple pie she had ever had.

"Elsie, you outdo yourself every time," she said.

Elsie beamed. Joey was always forthcoming with compliments and affirmations for the people around her. She admired the girl's strength and the way she coped with school, running a house, looking after Brett who always seemed to be drunk, all while she grieved the loss of her parents.

"How are you, Joey?" she asked.

"Better now that I'm eating this," Joey giggled.

"I mean really," Elsie persisted.

Joey stopped eating. It was a question she never asked herself or bothered to answer for other people. If she spent too long thinking about all that she had lost in the last few years, she would break down and she didn't have time to do that.

"I'm alright," she said. "I mean, it's hard but what else can you do but keep going? You know that as well as anyone."

Joey had watched Elsie suffer as much as she had when Clara had died. The women had been the closest friends in the world and Elsie had been lost without her. She was still lost. But not once had she missed making a meal for her family, not once had she stopped looking after them and Joey and Brett. She had always kept going, always stayed strong. Joey thought it was an example to follow.

"If there's anything more I can do to help, you know I'm willing," Elsie said.

"And the same goes for you," Joey said sincerely. "I mean it when I say I'm happy to help you out with stuff, Aunt Elsie. I know Ross and Charlie are working a lot but I'm around more and if you need something, just let me know."

Elsie smiled.

"I love how you still call me Aunt Elsie," she said affectionately.

Joey blushed. She'd never really thought about it before.

"Well, that's who you are," she said. "That's who you've always been."

Elsie smiled and put her hand over Joey's. Joey suddenly felt sadness and guilt wash over her. Elsie saw it in her face.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Do you think it makes me a terrible person if I admit to missing Mum more than Dad?" she asked, sounding terrified of the answer.

Elsie looked into her eyes.

"No, it doesn't," she said.

"But doesn't that mean I loved her more? Aren't you meant to love your parents equally?"

"It doesn't mean that you loved her more," Elsie said confidently. "It just means that you had a different relationship."

"My Dad and I got on so much better over the last year. We were really starting to get somewhere, get close," Joey said. "And I love him and I miss him so much. But I've got used to him not being around. As much as I adored him, he wasn't the biggest part of my life. I manage the house more now because I pretty much run it completely but I was doing almost all the same things before. But when it comes to Mum… I still can't think about her without… without…"

She took a deep breath, willing herself not to cry.

"I know, sweetheart," Elsie said, clutching her hand tighter.

Joey looked into her face. She really did know.

"Tell me about her," Joey requested.

Elsie looked puzzled.

"I only knew her as my Mum," Joey explained. "But what was she like as a person? You knew her better than anyone. Who was she?"

"Oh, she was incredible, Joey," Elsie said.

Her eyes immediately lit up.

"She was always so kind. Whenever we all used to go out for a night, Clara was always the one who made sure that everybody was okay. She never let anyone get too trashed without looking after them. She was always so well behaved," Elsie chuckled.

Joey liked the image of her mother always being the clucking mother hen, fussing over her chicks.

"Oh, and she was funny, Joey," Elsie continued. "She had the naughtiest sense of humour!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, but she was such a prude that every time she even thought something rude she'd turn all pink. You always got double the fun with her. She told hilarious one-liners and then you got her reactions to her own jokes… Oh, yes, she was a very funny lady."

Joey grinned, relishing in the idea of her mother being the adorable life and soul of the party.

"You guys really were lifelong best friends, weren't you?" she said.

"We really were," Elsie said wistfully.

She sighed, thinking more deeply about Clara. They had connected on so many levels that reached far deeper than mere friendship.

"Like you and Charlie," she added.

Joey looked down, doubting very much that Elsie and Clara had been as complicated as her and Charlie. Elsie kept hold of her hand.

"What is it?" Elsie asked softly, having a feeling that she already knew.

"Nothing," Joey said, shaking her confusion off and hoping they could breeze past it.

"Joey?" Elsie persisted. "You haven't had a fight, have you?"

"What? No. No, we never fight."

That was half the problem. Joey loved Charlie too much to ever fight with her. She didn't want to love her. Unrequited romance was not fun.

"You don't, do you?" Elsie said. "It's nice to see how much you love each other."

Joey smiled sadly, thinking that her best friend's mother had no idea.

"Are you sure there isn't something on your mind?" Elsie probed.

"I'm sure."

Part of her so desperately wanted to tell the truth but as much as she loved and trusted the woman, she wasn't sure how well Elsie would react to Joey confessing her feelings for her daughter. She couldn't handle that kind of rejection and she couldn't cope with the idea that Elsie might then tell Charlie what she had said.

"Okay," Elsie relented.

She smiled brightly.

"So, how are other things in your life, Joey?" she asked. "School? Romance?"

"School's fine. I can't wait to finish. And romance…"

She laughed.

"You don't want to know."

"Try me."

"I was seeing someone," Joey admitted, wondering how much she ought to reveal. "But we split a couple of months ago."

"Sorry to hear that."

"It's fine. We hadn't been getting along for a while. We kept rowing and then I got cheated on."

"Oh, Joey…" Elsie said sadly.

The fact that her younger companion hadn't mentioned a gender was not lost on Elsie.

"It's fine I'm better off without her… him… um, them."

Joey's frightened eyes met Elsie's, searching for condemnation. She didn't find any.

"You sound like you are better off without her."

Joey smiled, grateful that Elsie hadn't made an issue out of it. Then she sighed, feeling bad that she had made Zoe out to be a bad person when she was hardly blameless.

"I was at fault too," she admitted.

"How so?"

"I…"

Joey rested her head in her hands, wondering why she had ever started talking about this.

"I never loved her best," she admitted.

She looked up and met Elsie's gaze.

"I tried to. I thought she was wonderful. I was faithful to her and I loved her. But we could have spent our whole lives together and she would never have been my soul mate. She would never have been the one who made my heart race, who made me complete."

"But there's someone else who does make you feel that way?" Elsie asked.

Joey nodded.

"But she's not mine. She'll never be mine. I'll never be complete because I'll never have more than a really wonderful friendship with her."

"Why not?"

Elsie was sure Joey was talking about Charlie. And Joey's words were eerily similar to her own thoughts about Clara.

"Because she doesn't love me."

Joey's voice sounded hollow.

"She's straight. She might think the world of me. I know she does but it'll never be more than that."

"Have you talked to her about how you feel?"

Joey shrugged.

"Kind of. Not really. To be honest, I don't really understand what we've talked about and what we haven't."

"Maybe talking is what you need to do," Elsie suggested.

"I can't," Joey said firmly, shaking her head. "I can't wreck what we have."

Aden felt Belle's hand slip down to the button of his jeans. He tensed as she undid it and then unzipped them. He looked into her eyes but the more desire he saw there, the more afraid he was. He froze.

"Aden?" she said, concerned.

He pulled roughly away from her, zipped himself up, grabbed his t-shirt and fled the room. Belle sat back on the mattress feeling confused and rejected.

Joey sat in her room listening to music, thinking about her conversation with Elsie. She hoped that she hadn't seen through her and worked out who Joey had been talking about but she was comforted by the fact that she hadn't reacted at all to Joey's sexual preference. She also hadn't broken physical contact with her. It meant a lot to her to be accepted by a woman she thought so much of. Talking to Elsie had almost felt like what she imagined it would like to tell her mother. She'd told her mother's spirit and her headstone already but to sit there and tell a mother figure that she was gay, face to face, was a whole different thing. To not have been rejected even a little bit, meant the world. It also made her wonder if Elsie already knew. She figured that if her own mother had figured it out, she had probably shared it with Elsie. So, perhaps it hadn't been such a shock. It might not solve any of the thoughts rushing through her mind but it had been a good and comforting experience.

Aden walked along the beach feeling alone and regretful that he had run out on Belle. He wanted to consummate their relationship. He wanted to be close to her and show her how much she meant to him but it seemed impossible. He wondered why things had been so easy with Joey and not with Belle. He had been attracted to her the same. He had trusted her the same amount. Maybe it was because he knew she liked girls and was therefore a safe option. No, he decided, it was more than that. It was because she knew every part of his soul and she loved him anyway. He resolved to take a risk and tell Belle the truth.

Belle sat in the Jukebox feeling miserable.

"Bad day?" said a voice behind her.

She turned and smiled at Angelo who came to sit down beside her.

"You have no idea," she replied. "Why are men so confusing?"

"Men? I think you women have a lot to answer for," Angelo replied, thinking of Charlie.

Belle smiled. Maybe he was right.

"How about I buy you a drink and we can cheer each other up?" Angelo suggested.

She held out her empty glass in acceptance.

That night, Elsie lay in bed. Ross snored quietly beside her. She thought about Joey and how brave she had been to come out to her today, even though she hadn't really meant to. She hoped that she had been a good listener and she hated the pain she was enduring because she was so confused about love. Her words had hit a nerve and now all Elsie could think about was Clara. Both Elsie and Clara had done exactly what Joey was afraid of. They had let other things than their hearts govern their choices in life and they had settled for people that they would never love best of all. Clara's marriage to Paul had been empty from the start. Elsie's had been better but never quite good enough. Clara was her soul mate. She was the person she was always meant to be with and they had let each other slip through their fingers. Now she had a life left wondering what if. She hoped that Joey and Charlie would learn from their parents' mistakes.