Chapter 21
I didn't recharge that night. I stayed up talking to my best friend, crying, trembling, barely holding myself together. He tried calming me, he was crying, so upset that I was upset, and just trying to help me.
I had to hang up on him when morning finally came and Thundercracker entered my room. I was forced to lie down. I begged, I pleaded, I started to cry, but he ignored me and raped me. And since I finally realized this was rape I'm going to call it as it is for the rest of this story. It's rape. Simple as that.
He only overloaded and spark bonded with me twice before leaving me be. I cried for a couple of breems before Skywarp came in, cuddling with me, kissing me, and licking my faceplates, trying to comfort me. I could only hug him and cry. I just couldn't function. I just kept thinking over and over how I had been living this lie, being abused, and raped, and just… Letting it all happen because I had been lied to. And everything my carrier, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandcreators, everyone was suffering from these lies, this control, the abuse and rape… And I just wanted it to end. To be free. But I didn't know how to end it for everyone. I just knew the only way I could end it for me was if I took over as trineleader. I knew I couldn't leave Thundercracker. I just…
I know this sounds ridiculous, I know most, if not all, of those reading this will think I'm an idiot, that I'm here thinking "but he'll change!" or I'm just "stricken" with love, or something like that. But the truth is… As hard as it sounds… I do love Thundercracker. I did feel like he just wanted to provide for the trine and care for us. He just… Didn't know any other way because of these lies. He never seemed to be the bad guy to me. That deep down… He was just as trapped in this traditionalism as I was. And I wanted to save him from it as well.
I also just… He is the sire to my daughters, and I didn't want them being taken away from their sire. He really is a great sire. He loves his creations, pampers them, and is there for them. Right now, at this point in time, he was different from the prison, but I felt he would heal from it and go back to loving and being there for his creations.
Maybe I should had left him… There's a lot of things I should had done different in my life… Like I really should of used my spike to stir Steelwing's drink when he had made me get him more energon and I spat in it. Such regrets…
I digress. I stayed with my abuser because I loved him, I wanted my creations to have their sire in their life, and I felt I could somehow change things. I am not saying everyone should stay with their abuser for these reasons. I'm probably a slagging idiot to have. I mean, I didn't really know anything at this time. I was still basically an adolescent with what I knew about the world… But if you are living with an abusive mate, or abusive creators, or whatever… Get out. Don't stay with those who hurt you. Doesn't matter their biological relationship to you, if they were the ones to take your virginity, whatever. Don't stay with your abusers, don't give them a chance to keep harming you, report them, and seek out help. Don't stay like I did.
That being said, I'll continue.
Skywarp managed to get me to drink some energon, and stayed with me, holding me, and being there for me. It took me a while before I could speak to him, finally calming down.
"Warp?"
"Yes, sexy?" He nuzzled his olfactory sensor against mine, engine purring, and wings fluttering.
I paused before speaking. "He raped me…"
His wings perked, looking at me with confusion and worry, ready to kill whoever hurt me, but also not sure what the hell I was talking about. "What?"
"Thundercracker… He raped me." I repeated quietly, not looking at him. "H-he hurt me… A lot… I was really scared… He held my mouth shut and…" I wiped at my optics as coolant started to leak. "H-he really hurt me."
Skywarp's wings lowered, and he vented a heavy sigh. "Sweetie… I know he can be rough sometimes, but he's not raping us. We belong to him."
I shook my helm. "He raped me. He's been raping us since the beginning…"
"Star, interfacing someone and then regretting it isn't rape…"
"I never said that. Him… When he forces himself on us after we verbally tell him 'no' and try to push him off, but he takes us anyway. That's rape. He's been raping us a-and abusing us."
"Star… I know punishment is unfair sometimes, I know him taking us when we don't want it sucks, but, what choice do we have? He punishes us because he loves us, and he has every right to do what he wants with our bodies. We belong to him. The moment he first dominated us after trining we became his. And it's a wonderful thing to be trined to someone who cares about us as much as he does. I know some things he does I hate… I'm against chaining and collars, and whips, but… I'm not trineleader. He is. So I have to accept those things from him."
"We were lied to, Warp. We don't need to accept it. He doesn't own our bodies. We own our bodies. This is my body, my spark, and I say who can touch it and when. I say whether I'm beaten or not. I say…" I swallowed. "I say whether I am sparked or not. Not him. Not anyone, but me!" I pointed to myself for emphasize, coolant still leaking from my optics as I finally looked at Skywarp. "I don't care what you say, I don't care what lies y-you still believe. But I'm not going to be his interface slave any longer. I-I-I'm going to become trineleader a-a-and end this! I'm going t-to end the abuse, th-the raping, a-and being sparked against my will!"
Skywarp was silent a moment before speaking. "Star… Please don't. He's only going to beat you, and if you don't stop… I don't want you being killed."
"He's not going to kill me. I'm his trophy mate. The little prince with the perfect curves, the body best for breeding, good CNA, healthy sparklings, a-and a satisfying frag. I'm too valuable to him.. He wants everyone to see his spike in me and won't want to lose those bragging rights of his for bagging a prince as a submissive."
"You give yourself too much credit…"
"You've said so yourself my interface appeal, how wonderful I am to frag, and my wide hips optimal for sparkling birth. I'm a prize, and he's not losing that. And therefore… No matter what I do he won't kill me nor leave me in a ditch.. I am going to become trineleader, I'm going to stay as trineleader, and I'm going to save us from him, from the abuse, the rape, a-and make our lives happy. All of us."
"I seriously think you are going to die."
"I'm going to die living like this!" I gestured to anything and everything. "Already attempted suicide once…"
"Star… You're a submissive. You just don't have the confidence, the-the bold, commanding nature to be a trineleader."
I glared at him. "You seriously think I don't have confidence?"
He shrugged.
"Fine. I'll show you confidence." I tossed my helm to the side, being a diva about it. "No more hiding back from me. If that's what you want."
"Don't go flashing people…"
I rolled my optics. "Of how tempting that is… I have better things to do…"
"Please, don't get yourself killed." He said before kissing me on the cheekplates.
"I won't. I promise." I turned back to him to press my brow against his.
He cupped my faceplates in his servos before kissing me on the lip plates. "I love you. No matter what, I love you." He paused. "So, much so I'm teleporting you to the washroom and showering with you. And you're going to need some new paint down there. Spa orbital cycle for you, my love." He faintly smiled.
I purred my engine, appreciating his love. "I'll accept that."
He kissed me on the lip plates before teleporting me into the washroom and helping me remove the signs of my rape and beating. After I looked somewhat decent. I walked out and took care of the Seekerlets and Sierra. I didn't speak to Thundercracker. I cleaned up his mess, not looking at him, and I went about my orbital cycle as if he didn't exist.
At about mid orbital cycle he grabbed me, took me to his room, and raped me again. After the act he let me go and I tried to do some homework. That night, he came into my room and raped me. Skywarp recharged with me, holding me as I cried into his chassis.
I was terrified of Thundercracker. I avoided him at all costs, scared of being beaten, scared of being raped, but I knew I couldn't avoid him forever. He came into my room or grabbed me about every three joors or so to rape me and spark bond with me. I was so scared of him I would tremble simply seeing him walk by. And I hardly could control myself when he raped me.
On orbital cycles I worked, things were not so different. I onlined in the morning, he came into my room and raped me. I left for work with the three youngest, dropped them off, and taught my classes. I picked up the youngest, I returned home, and he immediately raped me. Sometimes he waited until after I helped the younger three get some energon and ask them if they needed help with their homework, sometimes he took me the moment I stepped through the door. I would then either go to my room to grade papers and do homework, or first take Sierra and a couple of the Seekerlets to the park to get the dog some exercise in and let the Seekerlets run around. Just try to keep their lives as normal as possible. On orbital cycles that Zephyr was home early and could take Sierra and her younger siblings to the park, I went to my room or cleaned the apartment. Always about three joors after returning home from work, or right when I got back from the park, Thundercracker would rape me. And at night, just before going to berth, you guessed it, he raped me again. Every time he spark bonded with me. Every time he was rough. Every time I cried and asked him not to take me. But every time… He did what he wanted to do.
It was almost an orn after I had realized I was being abused that I found myself getting a beating. I was in my room studying for an exam when he entered and locked the door. He came straight to me, his servos feeling over my body, and nipping my nape. I rolled my optics and pushed him away.
"Stop! Seriously, Thunder, I need to study." I snapped in exasperation.
"Just real quick." His servo dipped to my codpiece, and he gave me an especially hard nip on the wing.
"Ow!" I shoved his face away. "Stop! I don't want to interface! Please, stop raping me for once!"
"Watch how you speak to me." His wings flared.
"Watch how you treat me." I snapped right back, glaring at him.
"Do you want a beating? Because I am more than happy to provide one." He said sternly, wings flicking.
"Of course you're happy to beat me. You get off being an abusive slagger." I grumbled.
"Get up." He snapped his digits at me. "Go lie on the berth."
I was about to do as he ordered, but then I decided to be a stubborn aft and remained seated, crossing my arms. "No. I am not your slave to beat and rape whenever you so please. This is my body and I say what is done to it."
"If you don't lie on the berth I'm going to give you extra. Do you want that?" He said almost mockingly.
I glared at him from the corner of my optics, arms still crossed, wings hiked, being as stubborn and bratty as I could. "I want you to be a real mech and treat your mates with respect, love, and compassion. I'm not your property. Not anymore. I'm my own person, and you're damn lucky to have me part of your life. I trined you because I thought you were the one, I stayed because I love you, and I continue to deal with you despite everything you do to me because I actually give a damn about you. The least you could do is return that love."
"Love isn't a one-way-street."
"Oh, so I should just let you beat and rape me whenever all because you want it? What about what I want? Hmm? Or does the street only go in the direction you want it to go when it comes to interface, punishment, and sparklings?"
"I'm the trineleader. I decide on those things, not you."
"Oh, just not the person on the receiving end of the pain and abuse. Gotcha. Makes sense." I rolled my optics.
He was getting frustrated. He rolled his optics and growled his engine. "Alright, since you asked so nicely for one I'll give you a beating. Get up." He grabbed my arm and forced me to stand.
I tried jerking my arm free and fought back, but he was so strong. He pushed me onto my berth and made me lie in position. He unsubspaced the metal cable he always kept with him and doubled it over. I tensed, knowing the pain would be brutal. But, before he started he leaned forward and kissed me on the cheekplates.
"I'm doing this because I love you. This only benefits you." He said softly, then took my servo in his.
I just glared, knowing that to not be true. I yelped when the first lash struck my aft, then they started to rain down cruelly. I was kicking my legs some, both my servos holding his, and soon crying as I was beaten. He struck my aft and thighs, really giving it all he had, leaving me screaming and a bawling mess in no time.
He was beating me for just over a breem before stopping. I was hugging his leg by the time he stopped, crying pathetically and cycling air hard. He subspaced the cable, grabbed me, turned me around, and pulled my legs off the berth. He pushed my legs apart, roughly opened my codpiece, not even bothering to ask for me to open it, and was soon inside of me. I kept crying as he raped me, whimpering when he bit too hard, and loudly gasping when he gave a too hard thrust. But, otherwise I didn't fight him. I knew I couldn't defeat him, especially when he was inside of me. I was still trying to figure out how I would win a fight against him. I just wasn't ready to challenge him yet.
He got his satisfaction out of me after five overloads and spark bonds. I didn't move when he pulled out, nor when he grabbed my helm to give me a strict warning about my behavior. I stayed there, listening to him walk out and close the door behind him. Once he was gone, I slowly lied on my berth and pressed my aft against the wall, letting myself cry in peace.
It took me a bit to calm down, then I grabbed my communicator and made a call.
::Hello?::
"Hey, Skyfire…" I said softly.
::What's wrong, Star? Why are you crying?:: He asked in that loving, concerned vocalizer of his.
"I was just beaten and raped…" I swallowed. "C-could you come over? I-I need you."
::I'm on my way, love. Let me tell my professor I got to go and I'll be right there.::
"Okay…" I paused, then hung up.
I waited, not doing anything. Eventually, I heard Skyfire at the door and Thundercracker opening it. Skyfire managed to convince him he was here to do homework with me, and Thunder let him in. Skyfire came straight to my room and closed the door behind him. His wings drooped when he saw me. He sat on my berth, and so gently, lovingly, pulled me onto his lap and hugged me. I curled into his chassis, feeling safe in his strong arms.
"Want me to get you out?" He asked quietly.
I thought for a moment before speaking. "I'm going to try and become trineleader."
His wings perked. "Yeah? Can you?"
"I'm going to try. I just need to figure out how I'm going to defeat him. He's a lot bigger and stronger than me. I need to bring him down somehow."
"Could poison him." He shrugged.
"I'm not killing him. I don't want to have to kill anyone…" I said softly. Ha! Oh, if only young me knew the slag older me would do….
"How are you going to defeat him, then?"
"I don't know… I'll figure it out." I was silent a moment before speaking. "He's working on sparking me. I have to defeat him before he's successful."
"And if you don't?"
"I can't fight sparked… I won't get another chance until after the sparkling comes and I've healed."
"What if you never defeat him? What will you do then?"
I thought about that. If I couldn't defeat him, if I was forever stuck being raped, beaten, and sparked… I couldn't continue like that. Not for the next 400 vorns, or even 1 vorn longer. I already tried to end my life because of him. I wouldn't be able to last much longer, especially now since I knew how wrong all of this was.
And I had to do what was best for my daughters.
I looked up at him, coolant pooling in my optics as I opened my mouth to speak. "I-if I can't beat him… If I'm stuck being his submissive always… Get me out."
Skyfire slowly nodded. "Just tell me when and I will get you, Skywarp, and your sparklings away from him. I promise. I will always be there for you. No matter what that means I have to do."
"Promise?"
"I do." He kissed me on the lip plates.
Yeah, until Autobots arrive… Liar…
A few orbital cycles passed and life just continued as always. I went to work, I cared for my daughters, the three eldest went to their jobs, and Thundercracker raped me at every chance he could, and gave me several beatings for giving him attitude. And as this happened I just was planning, trying to figure out how I would beat him. I wasn't ready to make my move despite wanting to so bad. I had to plan, I needed to outsmart him, I had to do this right.
Well, I was sitting at my desk grading papers when he came in for interface. He grabbed me, kissing me, his servos all over me. And I was just done. I pushed him away, and without hesitation he grasped my wings, yanked me up, and threw me against the berth. I quickly got up and jumped out of his reach, backing away until I found myself in a corner of my room. He started to approach me, and instead of lowering my wings in fear, I raised them. I stood there defiantly, knowing I would be punished for it. But it was becoming more natural now. A habit. More… me.
"You will not touch me." I snapped, servos balled into fists at my sides, my frame tense, unmoving.
"You love your beatings, don't you?" He grunted in exasperation.
"You will not have me." I flicked my wings.
He reached out, grabbing me as I struggled, and easily returned me to the berth. He shoved me against it, unsubspaced the cable, and gave me several hard lashes across my aft. I yelped and whimpered, but didn't sob. Some coolant came out, but I was just growing use to this pain all over again.
After he gave me about forty lashes, he forced my codpiece open, penetrated me, pinned me down by my shoulders, and went to town. He was hard, fast, and brutal. And that soon had me crying. And the spark bond also hurt.
As I lied on my torso, my peds on the floor, looking ahead at the wall, him thrusting into me, I just felt… like I was reaching my limit. I winced as he bit my nape, tugging at it, soft growls emitting from his engine. I kneaded the berthtop with my digits, not able to do anything else about the pain.
He overloaded and spark bonded with me three times, and then started on the fourth. I had coolant lazily dripping down my cheekplates at this point, my wings drooping, my valve in so much pain, and just feeling my spark dropping. Then, he climaxed, our sparks bonding fiercely as I cried out, grasping the berthtop, and… I felt it. I felt that burn. I felt that extra surge inside of my spark. My optics widened as I panted, wings trembling some, my spark hurting. I swallowed, knowing this feeling. I had felt it four times previously. I knew it by now. I didn't need to test.
I was sparked.
I bit my lip plate, coolant filling my optics until I was blinded. I whimpered as he started back up again, biting my nape, making sure I remembered who I belonged to. I looked ahead, seeing my dim reflection on the metal wall, feeling so broken. I was sparked now. He had succeeded…
I swallowed, a servo carefully touching over my spark, unable to see my new little one, but knowing they were there now, feeding off my essence. I would never end them. This was my little sparkling now and I will care for them and raise them. But, I didn't want this one to grow up with the life my other creations had. They all had to see their carrier beaten and raped, seeing me try to kill myself, and just… Things no sparkling should ever see. I didn't want that for this one. I needed to save this little one from that life of trauma, fear, and confusion. And I needed to save myself.
No, I would still fight him. I will win against him. Not just for me, but for the little one now in me, and my other four precious daughters, and my nephews. He wasn't going to win.
He overloaded three more times into me before pulling out and giving me a hard smack on my aft. I quickly got up, spin around to protect my sore rear, and closed all my plates. I glared at him, wings flaring.
He started to reach for my face to cup it with one of his servos. "You need to stop-" I slapped him across his faceplates hard, my expression unchanging, optics still narrowed, and my fury emanating from my being. He slowly pulled his servo away and rubbed over his stinging cheekplates, giving me a look. "You want another beating so soon, brat?" He spat the last word.
"You're never interfacing me again." I snarled, denta clenched, wings flaring.
Thundercracker made a "wow, this guy really wants his aft beaten off him" sarcastic look with his optic ridges rising, not even looking at me directly. He then did look at me, smirking a little. "You know, you really were a catch." He grabbed my chin, forcing my helm up to look at him. "I saw you, I wanted you, and I took you. You're mine. But the poor attitude is not the reason I took you as mine."
"This 'poor attitude' is a result of your selfishness, abuse, and neglect." I growled.
"No, it's the result of an ungrateful brat who needs a flogging." He firmly replied.
I slapped him across the faceplates, but this time as hard as I possibly could. Like, so hard it hurt myself and left a large dent on his cheekplates. He didn't really move, his helm staying facing the way it had been forced to go. Then, he slowly turned it to me, exhaling heavily, his wings slowly flaring, and optics narrowing.
He grasped my arm, and very roughly led me out of my room and into his. I was soon chained to the berth, my limbs spread out, and he grabbed the energon whip.
As I was flogged, screaming, tugging at my restrains, and an absolute bawling mess from the awful pain, I was also scared for my little one. I couldn't tell him I had one. I didn't want him to know about any weaknesses and exploit them for when I challenged him. No, this one would need to remain a secret for as long as possible. If they manage to live through whatever the future held for me.
After I was flogged, and left a trembling, sobbing mess, he took me back to my room and locked me inside. My daughters and Skywarp were ordered to not see me, and he didn't even let me have my evening or morning refuel. I cried myself to recharge, a servo over my spark, now having yet another reason to become trineleader.
I waited a few orbital cycles before digging out the scanner and checking myself. Yup, confirmed. A new spark was attached to mine. I rubbed over my faceplates, not looking forward to having to carry, especially during this rough time. I did get a little excited though. I was having another sparkling and I imagined holding number five. Maybe I would have a mechling this time? Or maybe twins? And I would love them, and they will love me, and I will get to have that special bonding time with my sparkling, and enjoy them, and be a little happier.
But, the bad thoughts also came. I will be carrying when I fought Thundercracker. I had to keep this little one a secret for as long as possible, maybe even until they are ready to come out! Which is actually easier for us Cybertronians to do because organics get fat when late in their carrying. We don't really change our outer appearance much, if at all. The problem mostly just is being sick, mood swings, plates shifting, and all the other "joys" of being sparked… And he'll want to be interfacing constantly…
I sighed, opening my chestplates and looking in the mirror at my spark.
"You are going to make things complicated, little one." I said quietly so no one outside could hear. "How is it in there? Warm enough? Need some sheet metal? How about a boost of energy for your carrier? I'm feeling tired because of you, you know? Yeah, already making me feel different and you don't even have arms yet. One more orn until your little arms and legs are in, and you start to get a face. But, before your face starts to form, just do me a favor… Don't look like your sire. He's a complete aft face… Can you do that for carrier?" I felt a little bit of a tingling in my spark and was positive that was my now youngest confirming they would do this. I had to faintly smile at that. "Thanks, sweetie. I appreciate it." I looked at my face in the mirror now, studying how tired and gross I looked. I was just so exhausted from all the drama, school, work, and the constant interface and beatings. I looked awful. I looked older than I actually was. I didn't look like I was 66 stellar cycles old. I looked like I was a few vorns older. Ugh! Looking old already! Well, what was "old" to me then. Now I… I don't tell anyone my age….
I closed up my chestplates, and just stood there thinking for a bit. I needed help. I needed to talk to someone.
I called my femme-friends and arranged for a get together. This carrier needed some other carriers to discuss topics only us mated carriers understood: Our sparkling-sires.
I flew to Burnout's house and pressed the chime. She answered the door with that warm smile of hers.
"Hey, Starscream." She hugged me. "Good to see you."
I hugged her back. "Good to see you. Thanks for letting me come over."
"Anytime. Everyone is in the living room."
I went to the living room, soon greeted and hugged by Tidewater and Powerline. We sat at the table, snacking on energon goodies, talking about our daughters, what they were doing now after graduation, how little we were seeing each other now and needing to change that, and just talking about our creations. Then, we started to delve into the life of being mated.
"He leaves oil in the washroom. And I keep telling him he needs to clean that up! Like, no, sir, I'm your mate, not your maid!" Powerline complained, waving her servos around.
"Oh, my mate is in trouble." Tidewater grunted. "He forgot our anniversary."
"Nuh uh!" Burnout gave her a look.
"Ohhhh, yes!" Tidewater gave a sassy nod of her helm. "And that mech is not getting any interface until he makes up for it."
"Speaking of interface, my aft of a Conjunx asked if I would watch porn with him. Like… You can watch that on your own time, but not with me!" Powerline put in.
"Oh, I just make fun of my Conjunx when I catch him." Tidewater grunted. "He's been doing a lot more lately!"
They all laughed, but I didn't. I wasn't really paying much attention to the conversation now, and they noticed.
"So, Stars," Tidewater spoke up. "How is your interface life going? Anything interesting?"
I finally looked up, elbows on the table, my servos popping the joints in my knuckles. I took a moment before speaking. "It's been…" I swallowed. "Miserable."
"What's wrong?" Burnout asked gently.
I exhaled heavily. "So… I actually wanted to meet up to talk to you guys about Thundercracker…" I paused. "I… I don't know how to begin. I… You guys have been right."
"Right about what?" Powerline cocked her helm slightly.
"You and everyone else…" Coolant started to pool in my optics. "Have been right about Thundercracker abusing me. I-I finally realized it." I started to choke on sobs now. "I-I finally accepted that he's raping me. A-and it's gotten worse. He's raping me constantly now without any love. He… Wants another sparkling and has been taking me constantly. And beating me if I refuse."
"You need to tell his parole officer." Burnout said quickly.
"No." I shook my helm. "Th-then they would only take him away from me."
"But, he hurts you." Tidewater said puzzled.
"I still love him…" I swallowed, not looking at them, feeling stupid for loving the guy they saw only as a monster since the orbital cycle they met him. "H-he sired my daughters. I don't want to separate them from their sire… I… I just can't leave."
"Starscream, sweetie, you need to do what's best for you and your daughters." Burnout said as she reached over to hold my servo. "He's hurting you. A lot. You already tried to kill yourself because of what he's done. You deserve better."
I was silent a bit before speaking. "I'm carrying. H-he sparked me a few orbital cycles ago. He doesn't know."
"Do you have addictives?" Burnout asked quickly.
I shook my helm. "I… I have not taken anything for the sparkling… He's still been interfacing me constantly t-to spark me."
Burnout got up. "I'm getting you some addictives and a system booster." She patted my servo before walking into the other room.
"Have you checked with a doctor yet?" Powerline asked.
"Negative." I answered quietly, still not looking up at them. "I haven't done anything just scanned myself… And felt it burn a little."
"Star, now is the best time to leave while the sparkling is still this early." Tidewater said as she moved her chair beside mine and sat down. "It will be easiest this way. Before you're really sick and in labor."
I shook my helm. "I'm not leaving him."
"Why?"
"I said why… I love him." Coolant started to run down my cheekplates anew. "And I'm mad at myself for it… I can't just leave the one who gave me my daughters, helped get me moved here so I could go to the Science Academy, and… Has cared for me for stellar cycles, even if it wasn't always perfect… He's not evil… There's good in him…"
"Good people don't rape and beat their mates."
"Not all good people start out as saints." I replied, still looking down.
Burnout placed a glass of energon in front of me. "Drink. It's filled with addictives, a system booster, and added energy. You need it."
I took a small sip of it, not feeling hungry at all. Burnout moved her chair on the other side of Tidewater, then placed the back of her servo on my brow. She left it there for a bit before removing it.
"You feel a little warm. Do you feel sick in any way? Lethargic? Nauseous? Unusually tired?"
"I'm always tired…" I grunted. "I'm starting to feel a little… unsettled in the tank."
"You need to drink that energon. And I'm taking you to the doctor." Burnout said firmly, and I knew I wouldn't be able to talk her out of it.
"Yes, ma'am." I said softly.
"What are you going to do about Thundercracker?" Powerline spoke up. "You can't keep letting him rape and beat you."
I didn't answer immediately. "No… I'm not. I'm going to become trineleader."
"Doesn't that mean fighting?" Tidewater raised an optical ridge.
"It does…"
"Can you fight him?" Powerline asked.
"I can fight him. The question just is if I'll win fighting him."
"No, Starscream, you need to just tell his parole officer." Burnout ordered with a wave of a digit. "He needs to be locked away for good."
"I'm going to be trineleader." I repeated. "And I will have my mate back. We'll be a proper trine."
"This is ridiculous." Burnout threw her servos up with a roll of her optics.
"Seekers do ridiculous." I replied. I was silent a moment before continuing. "I will fight Thundercracker and become trineleader. If I don't win, and things get worse… I'll leave him. But, let me try this. Please. In the meantime, Thundercracker nor my daughters must know that I am carrying. If Thundercracker knows my weakness he'll expose it. I need to seem like I am not sparked, and everything is normal. This means that I have to act fast. I don't have too much time before my system overheating from interface will begin to harm the protoform. Nor enough time before I am so far carrying I can't walk. And after I defeat him, I will have to keep hiding the sparkling until they are born. I don't need him to think I'll be easy to re-dominate and lose everything again." I glanced at each of them. "I'll need help smuggling addictives and everything I need into my home. And depending on severity of injuries that will be sustained in the challenge… I may need you femmes to also help care for my daughters."
"This just sounds stupid." Burnout commented.
"No, this is a plan. One I will be committed to before long."
"When do you plan on striking?" Powerline inquired.
"Within the orn." I replied.
I was taking a shower the next orbital cycle, trying to look somewhat decent because Skyfire was coming over for a visit. While I was scrubbing my abdominal plates, smiling a little that my sparkling was resting just under those plates, the sire barged in. I rolled my optics as he grabbed me from behind and soon forced himself inside of me.
"I was hoping to have some time to myself…" I grunted, his arms wrapping tightly around my waist before he began to thrust.
"You get a lot of time to yourself." He replied flatly, before giving my nape a nip.
I jerked my helm away, then leaned forward, trying to keep him from biting me anymore. He just forced me forward and against the wall. It was all cold and wet, making the experience worse. He resumed biting and tugging my nape and neck cables, and all I could do was snarl, wince, and growl my engine.
"You're beautiful." He said in my audio receptor.
"Yeah, I'm sure I am." I grumbled, wings flaring.
"Don't be a brat." He warned, flaring his own wings.
"Oh, right, just be happy as I'm raped… Because that's how the universe works." I sardonically replied.
"I'm not raping you. I never have raped you."
"Oh? Then what is it then when someone is screaming, begging, to not be interfaced, but the other person does it anyway? Hmm? I really would like to know what non-consensual interface is actually called if 'rape' is now the incorrect term."
I whimpered when he gave my aft a hard smack, followed by a few nasty thrusts, giving me a bit of a warning dominating.
"You need to watch it, Starscream." He growled.
"Ouch…" I clenched my denta as his thrusting became harder and faster. I clawed at the wall, in pain, but unable to do anything. "I-if you were the submissive… Ow… A-and I kept interfacing you w-when you, nnnrrr, when you didn't want it… Ouch. Wouldn't you be upset? Wouldn't you want me to stop? Nnnnrrrgh! W-wouldn't you feel like you don't matter? Th-that you're just an interface toy?"
"You're not an interface toy, Starscream." He said a little softer, but his thrusting stayed harsh. "I love you. But you are still mine. And I can interface you whenever and however I so please."
"You still haven't answered my question." I swallowed, coolant pooling in my optics from the pain in my valve.
"I would obey my trineleader."
"No matter what the trineleader did?"
"Submissives have their place. And they must obey the rules given to them." He forced my helm up and kissed me on the lip plates. "Obey, Starscream." He kissed me again. "Open your chestplates."
I bit my lower lip plate, then opened my chest plates. His spark's energy soon connected with mine, and it felt stronger, probably because of the sparkling's spark. I saw my reflection in the wall before me, and I looked awful. I yelped when he spark bonded with me, and started to cry. I stayed crying as he kept raping me. And even after he left I cried as I tried cleaning myself all over again.
Skyfire came over a bit later, and Rogue ran to hug him.
"Hey, there, young femme!" Skyfire picked her up and hugged her. "What's up?"
"Nothing much." She smiled wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Where's your carrier?"
"He's in his room."
"Okay, I'm going to go see him now." He pecked a kiss to her cheekplates before setting her down. As he was putting her back on the ground, he looked up, seeing Thundercracker watching him closely, wings flared and optics narrowed. Skyfire slowly stood back up. "I'll see you later, Rogue." He then walked towards the stairs, keeping his optics on Thundercracker, not trusting him.
Thundercracker behaved and didn't go after him, but did flick his wings a couple of times in warning. He then picked up Rogue, still glaring at Skyfire as he held his daughter.
Skyfire palmed open the door to my room and entered. He closed it, then sat on the berth beside me. Without hesitation, he grabbed me, pulled me onto his lap, and hugged me.
"I love you." He said softly, kissing me on the lip plates.
I paused, then slowly kissed back. I pressed my helm against his chestplates, venting a heavy sigh.
"How are you holding up?" He asked.
"I need to challenge him… Soon."
"When?"
"Soon." I repeated.
"Well, yeah, because you need this abuse to end."
"I'm sparked." I said barely louder than a whisper.
His optics widened. "Really? Y-you feeling alright? Do you need me to get you addictives? Cushions? A-a doctor?"
"I already saw a doctor." I placed my servo over my abdominal plates. "She's healthy. Her limbs are already starting to… bud off or whatever it's called… Look like little stumps at this point. Still has that… tail looking thing that becomes the legs… thing. She's been treating me better so far than the previous tenants… Haven't thrown up… yet."
"She?" Skyfire faintly smiled. "What makes you so sure you have a femmling?"
"A carrier knows." I said with absolution.
"Mhmm. I'm guessing because the previous four are all femmes so you're just assuming."
"I have a femmling in me." I paused. "I have been practicing… In preparation to fight him. Skywarp has been dueling with me, I have been training after teaching my classes… I am getting prepared to face him."
"I think you should just come with me and we escape him. Report him to his parole officer."
"No… He's my mate, I love him, and he's not going to miss out on his newest creation. I know you're concerned, Skyfire, but please… Let me do this." I looked him in those cerulean optics. So gentle, loving, and concerned about me. "I am a Seeker. And I have to do this the Seeker way."
"That's… This is ridiculous."
"So is your face, and yet I don't judge."
"Be nice."
I smirked. "Make me."
"Fine." He lifted my chin and kissed me on the lip plates for a lingering moment. "Learned your lesson?" He smiled.
I sheepishly smiled back. "No, I don't think I have."
"Fine then." He kissed me again, our glossas soon entangled.
I momentarily forgot my troubles and focused on him, the burning desire inside of me, wanting him, but knowing I shouldn't. Maybe… When I was trineleader things could change.
It was two orbital cycles later when the time came. Zephyr and Storm were at work, Tempest was at a friend's house, Skyblast was at one of his many sport practices, and Rogue was in her room doing… Whatever young femmlings do in their rooms at her age. I just got back from walking Sierra, and started to clean around the apartment. Thundercracker was watching the news, his peds propped on the small table in front of the couch. Being lazy and useless.
I rolled my optics when I got to him, seeing the mess around him. I really had had it with this. I picked up his trash and threw it at his face.
"Throw your trash away." I flicked my wings.
His wings flared as he brushed off the trash. "Watch it, Starscream." He warned.
"No, you watch it, Thundercracker. I shouldn't be having to cleanup after you. Primus, you're a damn grown mech. What next? Are you going to make me have to wipe your aft clean after emptying your waste tank? Hmm?" I put my servos on my hips as I leaned over him.
He narrowed his optics. "Do you want a beating?"
"I want a trineleader who doesn't act like a fragging slob all the time! I want you to make yourself of use for once and cleanup! Take out the trash! Do something other than just sit on your fat aft all orbital cycle and stroke your spike. Or do you want me to stroke it for you since you're too damn lazy even to do that?"
He stood up, grabbed me, and threw me over the arm of the couch. I didn't fight or even think about getting away. I was just… I just lied there, angry, bitterly waiting for the usual routine. Too angry to even beg or try to talk my way out of it.
He unsubspaced a metal cable, double it over, and started to lash it across my aft very hard. I grit my denta, wincing from the blows, and soon was yelping. I clutched the couch, crying out from each brutal blow, but too angry to leak coolant. I was just so angry at him. I didn't even kick or anything. I held as still as a statue, taking it all, but burning with raw fury.
He hit me for a while. Almost a breem, so several hundred lashes. After he finished he grabbed my arm and forced me to stand.
"Go to your room." He snapped.
I glared at him, then pivoted on my thruster heel and started away. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I stopped. I was so angry, so done with this… I looked over and saw he had set the cable on the table, and was picking up all the trash off the floor. I don't know if the thought fully formed in my helm first, but I certainly acted on it. I walked quickly back over, being light on my peds so he wouldn't hear me. I grabbed the cable, approached him from behind as he was still bending over to grab the trash scattered all over. I doubled the cable over, and…. I never hit anyone, or anything, with as much force as I did his aft that orbital cycle. All my rage, the abuse, just… everything was pouring out. And with my programs changing due to the sparkling in me… Yeah, I was not in full control of myself, and my emotions were everywhere. But I don't regret it.
"AH!" He leaped up, servos instantly going to his aft before he spun around. "STARSCREAM!"
But I was already getting the frag out of there. I ran to the balcony door, palmed it open, subspaced the cable I was still carrying, leaped off the balcony, and transformed. I forced everything into my thrusters, the energy boost from my excitement and fear filling me. I felt my spark pulsating out of my chest. I broke the sound barrier almost instantly and was gone.
I heard him behind me, a sonic boom erupting and feeling the waves it produced hitting me. I managed to keep my balance, ignoring my spinning meters and readings to stay focused on simply what I saw ahead of me. I was terrified, knowing I was more than dead if he caught me. But, I had been planning on how I would beat him. I had to tire him out. I had to avoid him catching me. If I got him tired enough, then I could strike. So, I had to keep him chasing me. But, not burn myself out in the process. Which is not easy when you're carrying. Because you are sharing your energy with a very greedy, selfish person.
I twisted, spiraled, aileron rolled, did everything to avoid him as I maneuvered around the towers at Mach 2. He stayed behind me, not falling back. I ascended straight up, flying over Mach 3, soon seeing stars above me. And he was still behind me. I slowed down some, letting him near, then I transformed, grabbed his wing, activated my thrusters, and pulled. I heard him growl something, aileron rolling to try to throw me off. I planted a ped into his back, pushing as I tried to tear off his wing. Something made a cracking sound just before he started to transform.
I kicked off him, transformed, and dove down. He stayed on my tailfins, engine screaming. I powered my thrusters to the max, speeding ahead, beginning to gain distance on him. I pulled up, narrowingly missing a building, aileron rolling to regain balance. I dove down again, pulled up, flying just over the street, barely missing vehicles and pedestrians. I heard scraping, Thundercracker behind me still, his undercarriage tearing some on the pavement as he leveled out. I felt the heat bouncing off the street and onto my undercarriage from flying so low. I pushed harder, breaking the sound barrier, feeling the vibrations from the ground and surroundings. I pulled up to avoid a train, then aileron rolled to barely miss a bridge. I flew in the alley of two narrow towers, evening out once I was in the open again. I was trying to figure out where to go next, what to do, when I felt the powerful eruption of another sonic boom, it striking me hard. I started to lose balance, panicking, then I felt myself get smashed into by Thundercracker.
I transformed as I spiraled, tumbling down to the planet. He transformed as well, grabbed my ankle, swung me around, and threw me. I transformed, but it was too late. I crashed into a transmission tower, the thing coming down with me with a terrible groan and crushing of metal. I transformed, panting, slowly standing up in the rumble. I looked up just in time to see Thundercracker transforming, peds out to crush me.
I dove to the side just before his peds crashed down, bending the metal beneath them. I grabbed two metal rods from the broken tower, spun them around, and wielded them as swords as I steadied my footing. He slowly turned to me, optics glowing brightly in the smoke now clouding due to the electrify from the downed tower burning the surrounding rubble.
I swallowed as he stomped forward, wings flared, murder in his optics. I flared my own wings and reminded myself why I was doing this. For my daughters. For me.
He struck, lunging at me, but I swung my makeshift blades and deflected his arm. I managed to forced his arms up and knee him in the crotch, only to receive a helmbutt to my face. I jumped back, energon oozing from my olfactory sensor.
"Stand down, Starscream." He growled.
I wiped the energon with the back of my servo, then straightened myself out. "I've been your slave long enough. This ends, now."
"Fine." He growled before grabbing his own metal rod from the rubble and charging
I swung my rods, blocking his blows. They were quick and brutal, but I was better at the art of the sword. This has always been my thing. I kept blocking his blows, twisting to the side, missing a swing to my helm by falling back, aft almost touching my ankles and back parallel to the ground before standing back up. I managed to strike his side with a rod, spin around, and kick him in the back. He stumble, but spun around and almost struck my helm.
I continued to block his blows, having to keep stepping back from the brutality of it. I got an open point, forcing his arms up, then back flipped, kicking him in the face, before landing on my peds. He spat out the energon gathering in his mouth from his cut lip plate. I snorted out steam, my systems heating up. This wasn't good for my sparkling, but this carrier wasn't done yet.
I kept dodging his blows, kept being backed up, and only getting a few strikes on him. But I wasn't going to win this way. I had to do something more extreme. I had to outsmart him. I glanced around when able to, scoping my surroundings. We were in a electricity grid transformer tower. Wires carrying enough energy to power hundreds of the buildings in the surrounding area. Everywhere around us.
I knew what I had to do.
I activated my thrusters, leaping back before I threw one of the rods at him like a sword. He blocked it with his rod before it could stab him. I took the opportunity to run deeper into the grid, turning corners, and searching for what I needed. He was right behind me.
I skidded to a stop, unsubspaced my energon knife, and started to cut wires, yanking them down, seeing the blue electricity zap angrily out from the severed cords. I subspaced the knife and rod, then gathered as many wires as I could. I activated my thrusters and flew up, waiting for him.
He turned the corner, wings flared, looking for me. I dove down from above, kicking him in the face, then used my one advantage against him: My speed.
I wrapped wires around his arms, wings, and neck, avoiding him grabbing me. I did this as fast as I could, grabbed the wires, and pulled, tightening them. He tried grabbing me, but his arms were soon forced apart by the wires, and he gasped as the one around his neck tightened.
I didn't stop. I kept grabbing more wires from around, wrapping them around his legs, ankles, waist, more around the arms and wings. Tightening, pulling them, restraining him, until… He was there, entangled in all these thick wires, unable to escape. He roared with fury as he tried struggling, yanking, pulling, everything. But, they held fast.
I swallowed, admiring what I had done, but I wasn't through with him yet. I grabbed the wires I had severed and shoved them into his cooling fans, his vents, and under his arm joints.
The sounds he made from the pain of the electricity coursing through his body… I had never heard him cry out from so much pain before. And it both scared me and satisfied me.
I didn't stop it immediately. No, I watched, seeing him shrieking from the pain, jerking, struggling to me free, smoke rising from his burning body. And as I watched him suffering, it felt… good. It did. But then, I remembered that I still loved him and he was the sire of my little femmelings. And I couldn't let him keep suffering.
I yanked the live wires out of him, throwing them aside. I watched him panting, still smoking, visibly weakened by that. I approached after a moment, lifting his chin up, my wings flaring.
"Submit." I ordered.
His optics narrowed and jaws set. He jerked his helm away, activated his thrusters, and tried to escape. He managed to get one servo slipped out, and tried grabbing me, but I stepped aside and he just fell limp, still panting. I flicked my wings. I waited a bit longer, then I unwrapped the wires from his ankles, his legs, waist, wings, and finally his arms and neck. He fell forward on all fours, unable to even stand. I tossed the wires all aside, unsubspaced the cable he had used on me just kliks before, wrapped it around his neck, and yanked back. He yelped, a servo grabbing it, trying to keep it from choking him. I held it taunt as I stood behind him, studying this new angle of my trineleader… For the for moments he could still be called that.
I got on my knees behind him, then tapped his codpiece. "Open, Thundercracker."
He flicked his wings and started to stand up, but I yanked the cable as my other servo grabbed his wing.
"Oh, no, you're not. You lost." I growled my engine. "Remove your codpiece or else I'll force you to."
"Go to hell." He snapped.
I gave the cable an extra hard yank, then twisted a wing back. "Open. Now." I growled.
"You can't lead, Starscream. You'll only get us thrown in the streets." He grumbled.
I started to tear at his codpiece to open it. Which, was very tricky my first time. It took a bit, but I finally got it to open. I removed my own codpiece and let my spike out. I stroke it roughly, trying to harden, but I was so far from turned on that it took a moment. I pulled the cable back, forcing his helm up, then I pressed the tip of my spike to his valve. I felt him tensing. He had never been spiked before. I kind of felt sorry for him that this was how he lost his valve virginity, but… I lost mine in a worse way.
I pushed in, and he yelped, jumping some. I pulled the cable back, keeping that helm up, then leaned forward and bit him on the nape as hard as I could. He tried getting up, but still was too weak. I forced his face into the ground, his aft staying in the air. I grabbed his wings with both servos, bending them back as I started to thrust as hard and fast as I could into him. I kept biting and tugging his nape and neck cables, trying to hurt them as much as possible. I did it all as brutally as I could. Being meaner to him than I had to Skywarp when I first dominated him. He whimpered, he moaned, he clawed at the ground, and he yelped, but he didn't cry. I kept dominating him for well over a breem. I bent his wings so much, unbent them, and bent them again that they were leaking energon. I just kept going and going until finally his wings lowered. I smirked, but dominated for a little longer, giving him a few more nasty bites before pulling out.
I stood up, folded my codpiece back over, and watched him. He rolled to his side, a servo going down to his codpiece as he quickly closed it. He didn't look at me, wings low, but so much anger in those optics. I hesitated, then stepped before him and crouched. I lifted his chin up, forcing him to look at me.
"I am the trineleader." I flared my wings, hiding all my fear, excitement, and anxiety in my vocalizer. "You are mine." I paused. "And I am yours. We are trined till the bitter end. I lead this trine. And things are changing for the better." I stood up. "Get up. We are returning home before the authorities arrive."
I pulled him inside of the apartment by his wrist. He hadn't spoken during the entire flight back home. He kept his wings neutral, not submitting nor being aggressive.
"Skywarp, follow me." I ordered as I took Thundercracker up the stirs.
"Um, okay…" He said slowly, not sure what was happening.
I took my trine into Thundercracker's room and locked the door. I forced Thundercracker to lean over the berth, then got his codpiece open. I needed him to stop being a pain and submit fully to me, and I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I grabbed that barbed spike cover he used on me, put it on my own spike, then penetrated him. I grasped his wings, pulling them back, leaned over him, and started to thrust. He yelped, not use to being spiked, and especially not use to so much pain in that area. He grit his denta, moaning in pain, trying to keep from crying out. I bit his nape, tugging and making it leak a little. His wings were bent and twisted, making sure he learned that I was now trineleader.
Skywarp's jaw dropped as he watched, optics round, completely shocked by this. He never thought I would succeed. And yet, here I was, dominating Thundercracker for the second time this joor.
"You're mine." I told Thundercracker between bites. "I'm the trineleader. Submit, Thunder. You're mine."
It took a few more kliks of dominating before he finally lowered his wings and submitted his frame. I dominated for a bit longer before pulling out. I closed my plates up, and turned to Skywarp.
"And you said I couldn't do it." I grunted.
"I have no words." Skywarp replied.
I turned away, going to go back to Thundercracker when my optics fell on all the things he used to beat me and Warp over the stellar cycles. I just… stopped. And then something dark came over me. I marched over, grabbed the thickest cable and manacles, and returned to Thundercracker. I clamped one of the manacles to his wrist, looped it through the headrest, then clamped the other end to his other wrist, securing him to the berth.
"Lie down." I growled, forcing him to lie on his front, exposing his backside.
He didn't fight, still weak from the electrocution, but I caught a glimpse of his optics widening, knowing what I was going to do.
"Skywarp, grab something. Anything." I ordered.
Skywarp cocked his helm, but then understood. He smirked. "Oh, I see!" He teleported over to the closet, grabbed a tawse and switch, and teleported onto the berth.
"I know I can't hit as hard as you do… But I'm going to slagging try so you can get some sort of idea of the hell you put us through." I growled at Thundercracker. "You won't know the fear, th-the terror, the never knowing if you'll even survive it or not… But maybe I can give you even a little bit of the abuse you put us through."
"Starscream, I never-Nnnrgh!" He growled, wings flaring when I lashed his aft as hard as I could.
Skywarp giggled. "My turn!" He then lashed the tawse over Thunder's rear.
I flared my wings and began to rain down the blows as hard as I possibly could. All the rage, the pain, the betrayal, the suffering I had endured from him filling me with this rage, this unholy furry, this unadulterated wrath… I just kept lashing his aft, and thighs, and even his wings with all I had. And I couldn't stop.
Skywarp was going at him hard, but wasn't losing control of himself. He was getting his revenge, but still wasn't beating Thunder to the point of causing damage. I was. I was denting him. I had him leaking before long. And I kept going. And I couldn't stop. I lashed him, and lashed him, and lashed… I lashed until my arm hurt and I had to use my other arm. I completely tore his wings, aft, and thighs apart. Then, I grabbed an energon whip and used that on him. I whipped his aft, thighs, back, wings, even his face. I ignored his cries of pain, I didn't care at that point. I wanted my revenge.
And then… About a joor later I finally saw what I was doing. I saw all that energon leaking from his body, and I… I saw myself there on that berth being beaten, screaming for it to end, but having no control. And feeling unloved.
I was trineleader now. I wasn't a monster. I was going to make things better. This wasn't making things better.
I tossed the whip aside, suddenly disgusted with myself. I should be tied to a whipping post and flogged for this. I was so angry with myself and what I had down. I quickly grabbed Skywarp's arm and stopped him.
"That's enough." I snapped. "Leave us."
Skywarp looked at me, then nodded. "Yes, sir." He teleported away.
I stood there, listening to Thundercracker's heavy intakes as he tried cooling his system. I paused, then removed the manacles.
"Stay in your room." I snapped before walking out and locking the door behind me.
I swallowed, unable to believe I had not just defeated him, but I had also abused him. I was doing this to end what he had done to me, and I just did it all right back to him. I didn't want to abuse my trinemates. In the future, I would end up needing to physically punish them, mostly because I was so pissed, but this… This was not those times. This was different. This was me being petty and getting revenge on the mech I should love, cherish, and hold dear.
I needed to step back, calm down, and try this again. I went to my room and tried doing homework, but I kept thinking about him in that room, the pain he must be in, and how hurt he must feel. After a joor I couldn't take it any longer. I grabbed a glass of energon, some towels, and a bucket of water, then entered his room.
He was still on his berth, lying on his side, his optics offline. I set the glass on his nightstand, dampened one of the towels, and very gently started to clean his wounds. His optics onlined, but they didn't watch me, nor did he move. He stayed lying there, silent, still, doing nothing. I bit my lower lip plate, feeling uncomfortable, but I continued cleaning his wounds, removing all the dried energon from his backside and wings. I grabbed a first aid kit from his desk and carefully welded the larger cuts and tears, fixing him up best I could. It took me a while, but I eventually finished. I dampened my last cloth, then carefully started to clean his faceplates from the whip marks on them. He still didn't look at me nor spoke.
Once I had finished cleaning and repairing what I could, I leaned over and kissed him on the lip plates.
"I love you… Till the bitter end." I said softly, then picked up the bucket and walked out. I closed the door behind me, venting a tired sigh.
I put the towels to wash, returned to my room, and forced myself to drink some additive filled energon. I finally noticed just how tired I was. I had done so much this orbital cycle, and just now it was catching up with me.
I stayed in my room, I tried working, I didn't see my daughters. I just… sat there, thinking, and feeling bad for hurting my trinemate.
I looked at the time, seeing how late it was, and got up. I went into his room and closed the door. I was glad to see that he had drank all of his energon. I turned off the light, and got in berth with him. I snuggled against him, pressing my faceplates to his chestplates, listening to his spark pulsating within. Everything was still, then his arms slowly wrapped around me and held me close. I faintly smiled, knowing he still loved and cared for me.
I kissed him on the lip plates, purring my engine. "I love you. I always will."
He didn't say anything, just held me closer, soon falling into recharge. I listened to him resting for a klik before shutting down myself for the night.
Starscream is 66 stellar cycles old, which is 41.25 Earth years old. But for their age he's still about 20-21. Still very young and going through all of this and having a fifth baby and two adult creations.
Starscream needed to talk to other mothers because only they would understand many of the things he's going through. Hard for him to talk to Skyfire about being a carrier when Skyfire has no idea what that's like. Always good to talk to people who know what you're going through. Also, Starscream just needed time with the "gurlfriends."
Note how Thundercracker said if he was a submissive he would still obey the trineleader no matter what.
Starscream used his speed, skill, and wit to defeat Thundercracker. The three things that will turn him into one of the deadliest and greatest Decepticon warriors. So fierce and dangerous even Megatron tells him so (All Hail Megatron). And Starscream defeated Thundercracker without tearing off any limbs. Which is another big thing.
Starscream always has been a badass with swords. A true gentleman fights with swords like a badass! :P
Don't have much more to say... Don't know when the next chapter will be out. I'm not doing well at all. I am so depressed, so hurt, just... Losing my baby, and just had the 2 year anniversary of losing my Genevieve (cat) to pancreatic cancer. And the suicidal thoughts are returning, and I don't have anyone here to distract me or tell me they love me. No Maggie, no Genevieve, no Star... Star, my last cat, is still being illegally held by my evil, cuntfaced parents and I'm still trying to save her. Fucking law viewing pets as "property" still ruins everything... And of course the person who was a child when I got my cat is mistreated and overlooked by the law. Because, fuck the victim, right? Parents are NOT "gods" and have too much power. They do NOT have the right to own children as slaves. Which, sadly that's EXACTLY how the law still views children in the USA.
And college is so overwhelming... I'm so far behind in things because I didn't do anything for 2 weeks after my baby passed away, and I am having a hard time catching up. And I'm so depressed, and broken, and sick, I am having a hard time getting myself to do anything. I feel guilty over losing my babies, I feel like I failed them, and it sickens me so much I'm been vomiting. And I am waking up crying, crying non-stop in all of my classes, crying when driving, crying at work, crying sitting at me desk trying to do homework, crying when writing, crying when showering, crying myself to sleep... I am so tired and sick of this... I have been eating less and less... And I just keep thinking about how much I want to die so I can be with Maggie and Genevieve again. I miss them so much and I just feel like my heart has been ripped out from me.
And when I made a post about how I was feeling on facebook I was yelled at because people seem to think you need to hide your feelings or else you'll be carted away by police. No one fucking cares enough about me to call the police concerning my mental health. And anyone who did have my number and would call.
I even have had nasty people harassing me online calling me nasty things because I took Maggie home to be put to sleep. I know she was in pain, but I also know she wanted to be home, she wanted to have some more time with just her mother, and she was comfortable and surrounded by friends in her last hour. I don't know who these people are. They just have seen my profile, read my memorial to Maggie, and attacked. Even attacking me for looking at German Shepherd rescues. I have people sending me death threats for wanting a specific dog. I need a service dog, and I need a dog who is good with cats and other dogs. I'll ALWAYS have other pets, I still have a cat I'm trying to get back, and right now my roommate has a dog and we're (probably keeping her forever...) watching a stray cat I found on the streets back in November. Like, I HAVE to have a dog that gets along with other animals, AND they need to have a certain personality to fulfill the role of a PTSD service dog.
And despite me being a REAL dog lover and RESPONSIBLE by going to a rescue and/or shelter, I am for some reason a monster for wanting a German Shepherd. I can't do another Australian Shepherd. It's too soon. I need more time to heal. And I want a large, fluffy dog. And I love black, so a black dog is preferred, but not required. And I have to do a teenager or puppy. I can't do older because training takes a long time and I need time to heal before losing another too soon.
And then all the rescues I've been applying for never get back to me, all the dogs I've seen that seemed like a good fit are taken away before I get a chance to meet them, and one rescue the bitch gave me a bad attitude and was EXTREMELY nasty to me because I was looking at one of the black German Shepherd puppies at the rescue she ran. According to this miserable cunt, black dogs are "too intimidating to be service dogs." Bitch, are you fucking serious? Firstly, there is NO rule about how a dog must look to be a service dog. Secondly, I HOPE people are scared of my dog because it will keep them away from me. I HATE people. And Maggie was adorable beyond all reason so they flocked over which stressed me out, but if assholes are scared of my black German Shepherd and run away, GOOD.
I also have looked at Akitas, Belgium Malinois, Malamutes, Belgium Tervuren... No luck. I just don't get why these rescues won't get back to me. They haven't even called my references! Like, for people wanting to rescue and adopt out dogs, they are doing a shitty job if they don't even go through applications... Been over 3 fucking weeks... I can NOT keep living like this. If I'm not caring for someone and being loved by someone, I don't take care of myself because there's no point to. I am suicidal, I am dropping rapidly in my mental health, and no one fucking cares!
I don't understand why I had to lose my baby! She was the purest, kindest, just sweetest angel on Earth. She NEVER hurt anyone. And Genevieve was so sweet and loving too... Why must the kindest of souls leave the soonest? Why did I have to lose both my girls when they were so close to turning 14yrs old? They were too young to die. It's not right. None of this is fair. And no one is helping me. I've lost the only things that matter in my life. And I just don't see a reason to keep going. Not like anyone will care if I died. I know if they cremated me my ashes would be dumped randomly in the woods or down the toilet. I don't have a family because abusive parents ruined everything, and the entire side from my father are Nazis. Mexican side is beginning to realize I have always been right, but they live so far away... I only have my sister, but she chose her husband over me...
I have no one... The only ones I ever had are in heaven now, and one still being held against her will by fucking, evil cunts. If she's still even alive. If she is gone and I wasn't able to save her... If I don't get her ashes and some of her fur back... My parents will know only pain in their final hours.
Fuck. My. Life.