Chapter 21: Preparation

Olivia sat in the wooden oak chair. She stirred uncomfortably as she stared at Barba pacing along the floor of the courtroom. They has been practicing their defense against Lewis. For all they knew, Lewis would be representing himself, knowing he could break Olivia more than he already had. For Olivia, Lewis was only a break in her life, it wasn't bent to control her entire life, she had to fight that.

"Olivia, when he questions you, make sure you say exactly what we've gone over." He said packing up his brief case

Olivia lifted herself from the chair, she made her way down the aisle where she'd walk out and in, having to see Lewis. She walked out of the doors as Barba out his hand around her waist to give her reassurance. Olivia and Barba made their way out to the courthouse steps where they were to part. Olivia started down the steps alone, leaving Barba in thoughts.

"Wait-Olivia." He said extending his hand towards her shoulder

By the time she had turned around, her eyes were watery, letting the window blow her hair in her face to prevent Barba from seeing her so unstable. He noticed.

"We're going to get him." He said firmly pulling her into a hug

This wasn't just a fast hug, it was the type of hug that meant a lot. They held each other, and he started to notice that she started sobbing into his suit. He didn't mind. He hugged her tighter. She let go of him, wiping her tears away. Noticing the tear stains on his suit, she backed away.

"Sorry." She said softly

"It's alright, not one of my favorites anyways."

He smirked at her attempting to make her feel better. It didn't.
She walked down dozens of courthouse steps. Each step taking longer to get down. Each time she walked through her city, the city she'd grown to love, she could see Lewis anywhere, she wanted him gone forever, sadly, she would never get him out of her mind, sure, the nightmares had gone away, but they'd start coming back when trial came near. Brian had watched her struggle every night since the attack. He would wake up to sounds of sobbing in the bathroom. He'd see her in the mirror from the bedroom to the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror in despair, pain, embarrassment, and shame. Olivia Benson was broken. She had yet to be mended.

Olivia was thankful Amanda was free to pick her up. Olivia made sure she didn't look like she was crying. She didn't want to look weak in front of her younger co-worker. Entering the light tan sedan of Amanda and Fin's, she climbed into the passenger seat, immediately averting Amanda's eyes. They started driving through the winding streets, eventually getting to the middle of Times Square. Trying to avoid talk about her personal life, she decided to ask Amanda about things.

"How's your shoulder?"

Amanda didn't dare to look at Olivia, she knew Olivia didn't like to have anybody see her at her weak point.

"It gets worse at night, but I can deal with it."

She took a right turn, heading down a quite alleyway. It was another awkward silence. Amanda decided to turn on the radio.

"The trial of a Manhattan special victims unit detective taken hostage by a sadist serial rapist and murderer, will soon be tomorrow, as we await the conviction, as far as I'm aware, this guy has walked before"

The radio blasted. Amanda immediately turned the radio off turning beat red in the face. Olivia stared ahead.

"I'm,I'm, sorry." Amanda blurted out

"It's alright, everyone knows anyways..." Olivia trailed off

The rest of the ride was quite. They pulled up to the back of the precinct. Amanda put the emergency brake on along with the gear put into park. Amanda got out first.

"You coming?" She asked as she noticed Olivia hadn't gotten out

"Yeah, I'll be there in a bit."

"Alright.."

Amanda left the squad car, leaving Olivia in the passengers seat.

I wonder how Barba and I got close to actually hug, we never are emotional towards once another. I guess this bump in the road has made me close to those I've never been close to. The only good thing. Everything else. Bad.

Olivia noticed ten minutes had passed by, she got out the squad car closing the door behind her. She walked to the back door taking the stairs. More steps to get to the destination. Yet she didn't know her destination. Not anymore. She was lost, and she knew it.

Approaching the squad doors for what seemed the billionth time she'd been there, she was greeted by a bouquet of red and white roses on her desk. She went to her desk, reading the notecard.

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."
– R. Barba
She smiled.

Fin hadn't seen Olivia smile in a while. Especially this smile, it was the type of smile when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision. Olivia had that smile.

"Secret admirer?" He smiled laughing

"No." She whispered still smiling

"Brian?"

She shook her head no.

"Damn, your pretty popular then."

She laughed.

He was glad he made her laugh.

As she laughed in exchange with Olivia, he watched the glistening in her eyes. Ever since the day he had seen her, the dedication she'd brought to the squad, she'd never give up until she got an answer to her question.

Today, the look in her eyes were different. She used to have the eyes of aggression, dedication to anything, and accomplishes she hungered for. If it wasn't accomplished, she'd keep pushing. She wouldn't give up. Today, her eyes were filled with laughter, but a different kind of laughter, he laughter that came with a smile, but the smile was hidden underneath the emotion of not being able to be happy.

It's hard to smile when your not happy anymore.

Cragen sat back down into his chair. Turning towards the window with beams of sunlight shining through the blinds, he observed his name on his desk.

"Captain Donn Cragen"

It's wiring down, time goes by fast. I'll miss being captain. I trust Olivia will be a good Sergeant. God knows she deserves it.

-Knock-

"Cap" the familiar voice of Detective Olivia echoed into his office

"What can I do for you Olivia?"

"I'm going early, you know, trial is tomorrow, gotta get some form of sleep."

She tried to laugh at her own joke, to break the silence

He nodded.

"And Olivia-"

She turned around before exiting the door

"We'll get him, and all of us, we're here for you. No matter the cost, no matter what. Forever and always."

She smiled with tears in her eyes.