I ended up writing a little too much into this one so decided to delete half of it and save it for the next chapter, so hopefully this keeps you all satisfied until the next chapter is up later on! :D
I had spent far too much of my 'beauty sleep' time staring at the very bland ceiling of my room. Every time Emily moved beside me, I shuddered and smiled into the darkness. I found myself just lying there, running my fingers gently over her skin and wondering how the hell I got so lucky. A few weeks had passed since the whole Emily and Effy scenario and I had managed to put most of it behind me. Being back at university helped a little, giving me an adequate distraction in the form of mind numbing reading. The only thing that kept niggling at me was the fact that it wasn't just a brief encounter; they had dated; and gone travelling...it was supposed to be me. I guess the knowledge that someone else had taken my place hurt more than anything but I wasn't going to let it destroy everything I'd managed to regain. I was just going to keep it bottled up inside me and never let it see the light of day...ever.
"Morning babe, I made coffee..." Emily wandered back into the room with two cups of steaming goodness; I sipped it carefully before giving her a peck on the lips. She cuddled back into bed beside me and planted a few more soft kisses along my neck.
"Hey you..." I always struggled with words in the morning but Emily always grinned at the effort, at least it wasn't like the old days when I ended up running away after we had spent the night together. Placing my mug down on the bedside table I snuggled myself back up into Emily's arms, it was Tuesday so I didn't have a lecture to run off to and I found myself debating spending the entire day in bed. Emily interrupted me from my thoughts as she walked her fingers up and down my spine.
"So, what's the plan for today?" Emily looked down at me so I momentarily removed my face from her neck enabling our eyes to meet. They always glowed so effortlessly in the morning I couldn't help but lean up until our lips met in a brief kiss.
"This isn't an option?" I whispered against her and felt a very pleased expression cross my face as Emily's skin was raised to goose bumps under my breath. We had been pretty much inseparable for the past two months so I was surprised that we still had such a massive effect on one another.
"Yea, for now...but the sun's shining, there has got to be something else we can do!" However much I disliked the thought of actually getting up, I had to admit that it sounded like a good idea to get out of this room. It was starting to remind me of some sort of prison, but in a really good way and it was particularly warm for January. I don't honestly know what is happening to the good old British weather pattern of rain, rain and more rain but at least it was a pleasant change. I groaned slightly before removing myself from Emily and throwing on my pyjama bottoms and a baggy shirt.
"Right, so...what did you have in mind?" I thought it would be best to get the whole getting up thing out of the way as quickly as possible. But as I stared at Emily, still snuggled underneath my sheets I decided it was a huge mistake. She was just smirking at me with one eyebrow raised, biting her lip; looking completely gorgeous. I shook my head and folded my arms to try and maintain some of my composure, completely determined not to jump on her. It was tricky.
"Maybe, we could go for a picnic...you know to the lake." I gave in, jumping onto the bed and pushing myself on top of her, trailing a few light kisses over her mouth and neck. She kept licking her lips in that annoyingly sexy way that just made me even more turned on. I didn't act on it, I just pulled away, leaving her gagging for more and breathing very heavily...I smiled before leaving to make sandwiches and raid the fridge for beer, although I had no idea what we were going to put it all in. All I could think about was the fact that we were going to the lake...our lake, where we had made one of our first proper memories together.
Mel's room seemed quiet, I assumed that her and Effy had gone off somewhere to make some memories of their own. It was weird, all through college, I never once imagined that Effy would end up liking girls, then again I never once imagined that I would turn out to be as gay as a window. I chuckled as I finished shoving the collection of food I had managed to salvage into an old rucksack I had found in the collection of crap I had brought with me. Emily had already got herself ready and packed a few hundred blankets just in case the January weather crept up on us so I leapt into the shower and before I knew it I was on the back of Emily's scooter.
The lake was as beautiful as I remembered. The autumn leaves that were still scattered on the ground shone in the sun and as welcoming as the water looked I recalled how cold it had been in summer so wasn't even contemplating taking the chance this time. Emily and I just stood, side by side, holding hands, both thinking of the last time we were here.
"You're not going to end up running away again are you?" Emily glanced sideways at me and squeezed my hand slightly to let me know that she was joking.
"Not a chance..." I pulled her towards me and locked our lips together in a deep and passionate kiss. Fireworks exploded throughout my vision and I wrapped my arms tightly around her back as her hand cupped my face.
"Oh my god, babe, this is beautiful..." We were interrupted from our encounter by a familiar voice erupting behind me.
Turning around I noticed Mel and Effy, stood just staring at us and Emily seemed to stiffen in my arms. It felt like it took me far too long to realise what was going on...Emily had brought Effy here. To our lake. I was so not ok with this.
"What the fuck Em? You brought her here..." I wasn't upset, I was angry...angry and numb, regardless of the fact that Emily and I weren't together at the time, this was still our place. She had no right desecrating it with Effy. She couldn't meet my eyes with hers; she was just staring at her hands, why the fuck was everything so hard?
"I'm waiting, just give me a fucking excuse as to why you thought it was ok to bring her here...to the place where I finally gave in to all of the feelings I had for you. You're right, everything is so fragile, but I do get it...do you?" My words seemed to burn right through her and I felt terrible for saying it but after all the strength I'd shown, I just couldn't seem to let it go. She didn't speak, no one spoke, Mel and Effy just stood there looking at the crazy person making a scene.
"Not saying anything, hun? No one fancy interrupting the loon? I persuaded myself it didn't matter, told myself that I was making a big deal out of nothing but...you've ruined it...you've fucking ruined it!" I threw the bag into the lake, watching momentarily as the ripples flowed before eventually disappearing. Then I stuffed my hands in my pockets and just walked away, she couldn't explain and I think that hurt more than anything. She didn't even shout at me, didn't call my name, didn't try...I managed a brief look back and my stomach tightened as I saw Emily collapse, her legs just seemed to give way. I couldn't stop a tear from gleaming down my cheek and no matter how madly in love with Emily I was; I didn't go back. I just kept walking, listening to each of my footsteps echo on the stoned ground, hoping beyond hope that she would fight for me.
***
Two days passed, I hadn't slept, hadn't eaten anything, the only light I had seen was that from the forty watt bulb currently illuminating my own personal darkness. Emily hadn't phoned, no texts, nothing. Even after everything, part of me kept hoping that she would burst through my door all guns blazing and tell me what a prick I was, tell me that I had no right blowing up like I did but she was sorry. My door remained closed. Mel seemed to the get the picture that I really didn't want to be disturbed as the only time she had bothered me was to push some work under my door that Jake had obviously popped round. I loved that he wanted to keep me up to speed, but I don't think even 'the globalisation of world views' was going to make me feel better. The only thing that was going to make me feel better had a one in a million percent chance of actually happening.
I tried to stop my mind from looking back, tried to stop the thought creeping into my head about how many times I hadn't fought for Emily, how many times I had just run away. But it was all I could think about, why should she fight for me when all I had done was run? Obviously my own self-hate circle ended up in me blaming myself, without the warmth of Emily's touch or the sensation of her lips against mine it was hard to be positive.
It's never good to keep things bottled up, it generally leads to an explosion. In my case every ounce of maturity and strength that I had, accumulated in me flying off the handle at the one person who had ever made their way in through my barriers. I loved Emily, so why couldn't I get over what had happened between her and Effy...why couldn't I just let it go? I was emotionally drained, I couldn't even stare at the blank wall anymore; I needed something to focus on, something to help me regain a little bit of the soul I had lost.
Rolling over I opened the top draw of my bedside cabinet and pulled out the photograph I had kept hidden for so long. I looked at the smiling faces, looked at the seventeen year old me holding onto Emily so tightly. It was before everything, before Sofia, before the breakup, before the affair, before getting back together, before Effy...Memories flooded back into my brain and I found myself wondering about the ultimate circumstance. How different would everything have been if I hadn't been a complete cock and cheated on her, how happy we could be if I hadn't lied. I knew I loved Emily, I think I even knew that Emily loved me but I guess we both had things we couldn't forget, things that we were both too scared to face. Relationships are never easy.
As I sat there completely wrapped in my own self-loathing I managed a glance over to the chair by my dresser, still adorned with Freddie's jacket. I remembered how much help he had been when the shit hit the fan so I managed to persuade myself to take a walk, then a bus, then another walk. I'd only ever been to Freddie's once and I was drunk at the time so I am very pleased with myself that I managed to navigate my way back there. I didn't even know if he was still at home, I'd recalled our conversations and realised that he hadn't mentioned where he was living, whether he was at university or not...but I needed to try.
Knocking gently on the door, I was regaled with silence; there was no one home. I started to walk away before I noticed that the gate leading into the back garden was open. The shed...I took it upon myself to wander round into the garden and knock on yet another door. This time it was opened by a clearly mashed Freddie, even in his fucked state he seemed to notice how upset I was so he pulled me into a hug, even if it was at arm's length so he didn't burn me with the spliff he currently had on the go.
"Couldn't let it go?" His voice was barely above a whisper as he motioned me inside. I didn't speak, just shook my head and grabbed his spliff off of him. He moaned slightly with annoyance but let me take a few drags before wrestling it off of me.
"No...She took Effy to the lake, where we...You know, fucked for the first time." Freddie coughed out a lung full of smoke and raised his eyebrows at me before laughing a little.
"It's not funny..." I managed a few words before he slumped down next to me on the sofa and pulled my head into his arms.
"Naomi, I'm not laughing at you...I've never heard you talk like that before, it took me by surprise, that's all." Freddie continued chuckling again which made my head wobble slightly against him. I frowned slightly and he instantly stopped, handing me back the spliff. Taking a few slow drags I felt myself instantly calm and I realised why he had been laughing so much...this shit was strong.
"Look, Nai...It's not going to happen overnight, you need to just give her time to explain. I think that's what you need, you know...a good sit down talk through!" I had no idea how he knew so much about everything or knew just what to say to make me feel so much better about everything. Where was he when I had all the shit going on last summer?
"Yea, except it all blew up two days ago, surely she would have...tried...by now." My words seemed to ricochet off of his chest, which made me laugh; either that or it was the growing effect of weed. I wasn't sure which.
"Maybe, she was scared?" He was right and I think I hated him a little bit for it. I remembered how scared I had been throughout most of our relationship and was suddenly hit with the realisation of the entire situation.
"I need to see her..." I tried to get up and failed miserably, it took me a while to notice that it was because Freddie was holding onto me quite tightly.
"Freds, let me go...I need to get to her and tell her that I was a twat...AGAIN." I was being a soppy prick, I knew I was but the only thing I could think of was seeing Emily.
"No, you're not going anywhere...you can't keep holding in your feelings, Emily needs to know that you were hurt by what she did. If you run to her now everything you've been through will be for nothing!" He made so much sense so I slouched back into the sofa and grabbed the convenient bottle of sambuca from the table and took three long swigs, feeling the liquid burn down my throat. It didn't take long before we were both completely fucked.
So...yea, hopefully even with my major editing it still slowed ok...Review please!! I have had some lovely comments so far so keep em coming! A big thank you to everyone reading...next chapter should be up either tonight or tomorrow! YAY