"Happiness is not a reward / it is a consequence.
Suffering is not a punishment / it is a result."
-- Robert Green Ingersoll
Fumbling Towards Ecstasy: Chapter 21 … Consequence…
"Tidus?"
"Hmm?" he didn't trust himself to move, and so he kept his head firmly planted in the crook between her neck and shoulder; a temporary safe haven from having to deal with the overbearing emotional pressure of their ominous destinies.
"I lov-"
"Shhh…" he interrupted, squeezing her tightly as insurance to cut her off. "Not now."
"But I-"
"Next time you say those words will be when this is all over. Okay? After the final battle, when you stand up proudly, safe-and-sound after having saved the world, only then will you tell me. Those words will symbolize not the end, but a new beginning. You will have accepted your fate then. Your fate to live a long and healthy life, filled with love and laughter. Not death and destruction."
Yuna shuddered, finding herself gradually losing the will to fight him on this. He would try. He would fail. She would die. Her corporeal self was failing, disintegrating into nothing anyway. What did it matter who won the argument of where their fate would lead tonight?
Tonight she would dream.
She would dream a dream of monotone happiness. Dream of being in his arms. Dream of his vision of them in the future. And that vision she would keep in her mind until the Final Summoning drained her of her very last breath. She would die with a smile on her face, after whispering 'I love you' one last time, and then pass on for eternity in that dream she created. There she would find her bliss. Her rapture. Her nirvana. Finally.
Her ecstasy.
Judgment Day.
Apocalypse.
To be more precise: the end of the world.
It was a lot less extravagant than one would have expected.
No spitting hell fire. No screaming demons. Not even a single wailing and ravenous lost soul threatening to drag any unlucky man within their reach down into the abyss.
None of those expected biblical theatrics presented themselves within this scene.
Just silence.
Pure, unadulterated, never-ending quiet; bone chilling in its maddening simplicity.
The Zanarkand temple's central chamber gradually dimmed to smoky blackness as the luminous magic that once gave the ruins a semblance of life flickered and died. Only the occasional wandering pyrefly served as a light source, illuminating one by one the increasingly desperate and dismal expressions of each of the summoner's party members.
Yunalesca was gone. Her blood on their hands. And with her she took Spira's only sliver of hope.
It was the end of the world all right. Sin would come. And now, for the first time in history, there was no fathomable way to prevent him from gradually wiping out Spira's entire population.
Small gasps and shudders traveled around the room as this information sunk in. Some fell to their knees in anguish. Others fought back tears and buried their heads in their hands. One or two stared blank-faced into the distance, trying and failing to seem pensive and rational while their primary objective was repressing absolute panic.
However, one guardian…only one…whose clarity of their plight may not have been as advanced as with the others, found a most original way of coping with certain doom.
He groaned.
He groaned the groan of a carefree man who had just accidentally dropped his ice cream onto the beach. Tough luck, moving on. It'll be better next time. No use crying over spilt milk. Etc. The pure inappropriateness of the exclamation, and its volume, immediately caught the attention of his comrades. As was his intention.
He stood in the middle of the chamber on the exact spot where Yunalesca's body has just moments before erupted into a cloud of pyreflies, fists on his hips posed with undeserved confidence.
"Hey… oh Queens of Drama?" he called mockingly, his voice echoing off the invisible cavern walls. "Ya done moping yet? Can we move on now?"
The sound of slight shifting and intermittent coughs were the only response he got. Tidus groaned again, this time with annoyance.
"I hate to be Mr. Points-the-obvious, but shouldn't we, I dunno, not be sitting ducks for the Bevellian army's target practice? Once the news gets out that…"
"They'll all hate us." A soft voice said from somewhere in the darkness, broken and weak. "Let them come. It's nothing less than we deserve."
A few murmurs of agreement echoed around the chamber.
One could practically hear Tidus rolling his eyes in the dark. "Man you're lame. So is that the brilliant plan now? To just give up?"
"And what exactly do you suggest, huh?" another voice argued. "Spira isn't exactly plentiful on thousand year old sorceresses with the power to create Aeons."
"Is it so crazy of me to recommend actually fighting back?"
"Yes. Insane. The Final Aeon is lost. We can't win now."
"Says who?" He countered, struggling to focus on the various voices and matching them to barely visible forms.
"Maybe you can annoy him to death with your cocky, empty threatening. Remember how that worked with the Goers in Luca" another voice piped in, giggling a tad too manically for comfort.
"Ouch. That was a little harsh."
"Yeah well…"
"I mean, I know I'm no scholar but I thought that's what you liked about me. A dumb jock for the team." The lights flickered, giving the group a second long view of their surroundings before fading to black once more. A mutual wince was exchanged at the sudden brightness.
"On or off. Choose! Dammit!"
"Her spirit still lingers here. She's angry."
"Shouldn't she be? We did kinda…kill her. Not to mention ruin her legacy. That would make any undead priestess grumpy."
"Angry ghost or not, this isn't exactly the place for a rendezvous. It's too scary!" The small Al Bhed girl, having been pulled from her trance, scuttled further toward the center of the room.
"Oww! Rikku…that was my foot!"
"Oh. Sorry Lulu."
"We leave. Now."
"I agree. There's nothing left for us here."
"Duh! What have I been trying to do for the past five minutes, huh? Does Kimahri have to repeat my sentences in order to be taken seriously?"
"Tidus…can you not. Let's not do this right…"
"Maybe next time I'll just let the manic summoner chick kick your ass."
"Ti- not-"
"Is a little appreciation really so much to ask?"
"Arg…I'm too tired to think, ya. My head hurts"
"Well standing here in the pitch black complaining isn't going to do anyth-OW! Rikku, the foot!"
"Oops. Sorry."
"Wait a minute…Where's Yuna?"
"I-I'm..." her voice stuttered and faded, making it impossible to locate her position in the near total darkness.
"Are you okay? What happen- Hey!" Tidus was suddenly jerked back a couple of steps by a vice-like grip on his wrist. "What's the big…what's wrong?"
"Nothi..uh…" they swallowed, choked and gagged. "I-I think gonna to be sick."
"Ohhh…oh!…LULU! HELP!"
Yuna wrapped her thin purple cloak, the only covering available in the entire camp, more tightly around her shoulders. She had at first offered it one by one to every remaining member of her party, desperate to grant even the weakest morsel of solace to anyone. But they had each declined politely, not only because they wanted to shelter her most from the harsh elements, but because they had each honestly insisted that the weather was too warm for a covering.
She shivered again, stealing a glance out of the corner of her eye at Wakka and Lulu kneeling near the edge of the cliff, the former emptying the contents of his stomach into the sparkling river below while his support rubbed his back soothingly. Yuna cringed at the sight, turning back to her view of the sunrise over the crumbling tower of Zanarkand, willing with all her might not to shed one single tear while still within close quarters to her comrades. It had been a long night for all of them. But Wakka, apparently had been hit the hardest by recent events.
There would be enough time to grieve for her fate later; right now she had to be strong. People would be looking to her for answers and for strength, so pathetically little of which she had to offer. Everything was different now. New questions couldn't help but be raised about the future now. Her future. The world's future. Their future.
"Yuna…"
Speaking of the devil.
Yuna hastily blinked away the small pools that had unconsciously gathered in the corner of her eyes before turning to face him, forcing her lips to stretch into that all-too familiar smile of calm content.
"Hey you."
"Hey." He bent his knees to lower himself down to her sitting level, biting his lip in nervousness as he did so. Tidus was so rarely serious. This was a definite 'wanting to talk' moment. One that she sincerely couldn't handle at the moment.
"Yuna-" he began.
"Not now" she interrupted, hastily pressing her entire palm against his mouth in order to upgrade her gentle request into a demand. "I can't talk now. Later. But not now. Understand?"
He nodded slowly with only a slight hint of hesitation. He had never been the type too shy to show his disapproval, but was at least respectful enough to comply. Yuna gradually let her hand fall, purposefully brushing her fingertips against his lips as she did so, allowing herself a slight giddy grin.
As soon as she returned her attention to the sunrise, she saw Tidus plunk himself down beside her, staring straight ahead. The sound of Wakka's dry heaving and Lulu's whispered consolations in the background were actually a welcome break from the otherwise dead quiet.
"That Wakka huh," Tidus chuckled, mainly at his poor attempt at spurring a conversation topic that had nothing to do with their mission. "Always knew he didn't have the stomach for this sort of thing…"
"He's in shock." Yuna countered protectively, exactly as he predicted she would. He couldn't help but grin at her unyielding devotion to her friends. "It's a normal, healthy reaction after witnessing a truly horrifying event. Wakka is strong AND sensitive, which makes him all around a morally superior human being."
"Oh he's morally superior all right" Tidus quipped, sorely tempted to bring up the perfect argument of Wakka's previous racisms towards the Al Bhed. But he hadn't come here to discuss his blitz captain's sketchy ethics and even more unstable masculinity. "I, personally, blame it on last night's supper. Ya know. The behemoth stew?" he watched out of the corner of his eye as Yuna's finger's instinctively clutched her cloak; a sure sigh of discomfort.
She swallowed a lump in her throat. "Was it…spoiled meat, you think?"
Tidus shrugged. "Well, I've never had it before so I'm not exactly a good judge. But-" he fumbled into one of his many pockets, allowing himself a small 'aha!' of victory upon retrieving his prize; a small square package wrapped in cheese cloth.
"Lulu told me once that, back in Besaid, you used to love Behemoth meat. You even officially named her stew your favorite meal once, which is why she went to extreme lengths to make that meal last night." He slowly unwrapped the package under Yuna's apprehensive stare, slowly revealing what smelled and appeared to be the remainder of last night's Behemoth meat rolled between two pieces of thin rice pancakes. Leftovers. And also what had once been Yuna's most appreciated afternoon snack.
"She called it: 'Beast in a-"
"Beast in a Blanket." Yuna finished, smiling coyly in genuine amusement at the package in his hands.
It seemed a lifetime ago since. She, Lulu, Wakka and Kimahri sitting on the Besaid beach for a mid-day picnic between summoning lessons. Only on special occasions would Lulu go through the long and complicated process of obtaining and cooking the behemoth meat, such as when Yuna did exceedingly well on an exam or someone's birthday. It had been such a cherished treat then. When Beast in a Blanket appeared on her plate, Yuna knew that all was good in the world and that she had done something right.
Funny that it appeared here of all places, in Tidus' palm.
"Here," he pulled her hands out from within the cloak, suppressing any comment about the eerie coldness of her palms while curling her fingers around the snack. "I want to know if it's up to her usual standards, or if she's just feeding scraps to the dogs after assuming you wouldn't be there to critique."
"I- …"A large whiff of the salted marinade forced its way into her nostrils and immediately instilled a strangled gag. Hastily, she dropped it back into the cloth on his lap and turned away, chanting to force the bile to remain in her stomach.
"Yuna?...Yuna, what's wrong?"
She gently raised a finger, signaling that she needed a minute, all the while taking deep breaths of fresh, sticky air to expel any remaining atoms of beef scent. She hated feeling like this, the nausea that never failed to appear every time the usually drool-enticing aroma of a cooked meal entered her nostrils. More than anything, she wanted that to stop.
After a couple of beats, she had yet again managed to suppress the urge. And by the time she faced Tidus again he had wisely decided to return the morsel to its preserving cloth tucked into a pouch.
"Thank you…" she whispered shakily, tucking a tuft a sweaty stray hair behind her ear. "It was very kind of you, and Lulu. But- but I'm not in the mood right now."
"I can see that" his brows knitted together, blue eyes scanning her face for any hint of deception. "That's been the case for a while now, hasn't it?"
She could do nothing but shrug in response, grinning sadly with an air of slight discomfort. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to worry everybody. I try. Every time I try. It just – I can't seem to…" she trailed off with a sigh of frustration and yet another shrug. "It can't be done. And, I guess, I didn't think it mattered."
Tidus nodded in false understanding, watching with a continuously pensive expression as she resumed fidgeting.
"It's the stress I guess" she rationalized, nodding in approval of her own conclusion. "Actually being IN Zanarkand…it put a whole new perspective on things, you know? And new fears surfaced. And the whole, muddled confusion that was…us…and now with this additional obstacle of not having a Final Aeon with which to fight Sin. It's," she met his eyes, her own wide with unspoken horror of the future "it's not even close to over. And, until a horizon is in sight…I don't believe I can even think about-"
"You need to eat Yuna" he interrupted, leaning forward slightly. "No matter what the future holds, the odds are that much more in Sin's favor it you have no energy."
Yuna instinctively pulled the thin cloak more tightly around herself, feeling suddenly naked under his scrutiny. "You think I don't know that? I'm trying. Yevon help me…I'm trying." she fell back against the rock behind her, feeling especially drained and dizzy, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples to ward off the throbbing. "I'm trying so hard…"
It wasn't exactly her choice not to eat the stew, or the 'beast in a blanket' which had indeed once been and still was her favorite snack. Her body would simply not accept it, and as a result she could practically feel the stamina being sucked out of her with every passing minute. Another obstacle Fate's sick sense of humor had thrown at her, a test probably. To be worthy of an honor such as High Summoner, the journey is meant to be difficult. And with her rather large rabble of guardians for protection, comfort and friendship, she had had it pretty easy in comparison to Summoners past.
A test. That is what this random sickness was. And it was worth every agonizing millisecond if the alternative was leaving behind any of her dear friends. She would get through it. She would be strong. She simply had to be, what other choice was there?
The sound of Tidus shuffling against the gravel filled the silence and soon she felt his warm arm slip around her shoulder. She fell easily into his embrace, grateful for the support.
"I know what you're thinking" he began while absent-mindedly running his fingers through her hair. "You're thinking that maybe you're too physically weak for this mission. You're thinking that the Fates must not find you worthy of being High Summoner by throwing these barricades into your path."
She grinned into his shoulder. He knew her too well.
"You're also thinking that Wakka's kinda lame for having such an extreme reaction to the Yunalesca thing, and that I look amazing with three-day old unwashed hair."
Yuna giggled. "I told you! Wakka's reaction was perfectly justif-"
"For the latter, you are absolutely correct" Tidus interrupted, contorting their bodies slightly so that he could rest his forehead against hers, delighting in seeing her multi-colored eyes light up in genuine mirth. "But for the former?" he brushed a few stray hairs away from her face, sliding his fingers down her cheek to rest on her chin and forcing it up to stare at him directly. "You have traveled further, survived more grueling obstacles and discovered more ghastly information than any other summoner before you and still you refuse to give up. That makes you more than great. It makes you…" he paused, struggling to find the right expression while Yuna hung on his every word.
"Yes..?" she prompted.
"Special" he finished, smiling as she winced.
"Special?" she repeated through a grimace. "Like 'stop eating the paste' special?"
"Nooooo. I was aiming for more of a 'one of a kind/divine' special."
"Well that's not very original."
"Hey. I spent the morning battling a thousand-year-old dead chick dedicated to maintaining a loop of death and suffering by reincarnating her father as a giant beast in the body of a guardian. Give a guy a break!"
"Fine. Special it is." She sighed contentedly and snuggled deeper into his side, blissfully ignorant of the happenings on the other side of the rock on which they rested. For all intents and purposes, they were the only two people in the world.
"I'm not giving up you know." She warned him, suddenly somber.
"I didn't expect you to." He replied honestly. "As you said, it's far from over."
He felt Yuna nod against him. "We'll think of something else. And soon. I can't live with the guilt of this hanging over me every waking moment."
"It's a heavy burden to bear."
"When Cid picks us up, we'll go to Bevelle. I'll make an announcement about the lies of Yevon and Yunalesca. We'll gather the best minds in Spira to find a way to release the Fayth and stop the cycle. We'll-"
"Whoaaaaa!" Tidus exclaimed in interruption, lifting her off his chest slightly to stare at her skeptically. "I think your number one priority is to get better. You're still sick Yuna. Our first stop will be a doctor. And then you can gallivant around Spira making speeches and meetings and battles to the death all you want, okay?"
"But…"
"No buts. Promise me before you do anything related to this mission that you'll at least get someone's advice."
Yuna casually waved his concern away. "I'll feel better once we gain momentum, I'm sure." She stated, gently untangling herself from his arms so that she could sit up independently. "All this simple waiting for the final battle…it stressed me beyond belief. I need to do something productive. I feel better already just thinking about being productive."
"Yuna, please. Just consider…"
"Look!" The young summoner's finger flew up skyward as a loud rumbling of engines simultaneously filled the air. Cid's airship on the horizon, coming in full speed to the cliff's edge.
"Pops! Good timing!" Rikku could be heard screaming into her portable radio.
'Welcome home kids! Uncle Cid to the rescue!'
The engines grew louder as the gigantic vehicle loomed closer and the party scrambled to gather their scattered belongings. It took Yuna a few tries but eventually with the support of both Tidus and the boulder, she was able to make it to her feet, her mouth hanging open in fascination as she observed the captain maneuver into an impressive landing on uneven ground.
"Wow. It's amazing isn't it! A real airship…" he had forgotten that she hadn't been with the group during their first encounter with the Cid's pet project. It truly was an awe-inspiring sight for first-timers who used minimal technology such as Yuna. Since the destruction of Home, Cid's ship had become an official mobile residence to the hundreds of Al Bhed who survived the attack. It was complete with all the necessary facilities, including a cafeteria, exercise rooms…and even a medical clinic.
"Yuna!" Tidus caught her wrist mid-skip as she moved to gather her satchel. Her sunken, dark circle rimmed eyes still danced in excitement about the upcoming airship ride as she struggled to give him her full attention.
"Yes?"
"There's a clinic on the ship." He stated, bending down to retrieve her satchel while linking their hands. "Promise me, the first thing you do is go see a doctor."
"It isn't really necessa-"
"Promise me. Please."
"Why does it matter so mu-"
"Yuna, just humor me. Okay?"
His grip on her hand tightened, eyes softening in a way that begged for no more questions.
"Fine." she agreed absent mindedly while gathering the edges of her cloak within her fist to stop it from whipping around in the engine generated wind. Together, hand in hand, they took their first steps toward the ship. "But seriously, why are you so adamant about it?"
"I just," he sighed and ducked to avoid one of the ship's rafters "if it was something big. If you were really, possibly life-altering 'sick' lets say, you'd tell me, right?"
Yuna's brow furrowed in confusion. "What does that have to do with…" she slowed her steps, looking up at him with an incredulous expression. "What do you think's wrong?"
"No. Nothing wrong. Something right. Really right….maybe."
"Tidus…?" she stopped walking, tugging on his hand as a signal for him to remain where he was. The other party members were thankfully still far ahead of them as they had just entered the sheltered undercarriage of the ship, the stinging sandstorm no longer hindering conversation. "Tidus," she repeated, suddenly inexplicably nervous "tell me. What are you thinking?"
He pressed his lips together, taking a step back to close the distance between them, glancing over his shoulder briefly to ensure that none of the others were within earshot. "First, answer me this." He spread his feet further apart and lowered his head, attempting to make them on the same level. "If something came up, would you take a rain check on the Sin mission?"
In those few words, several physical chain reactions were set off in Yuna. The glee of the airship ride instantly vanished, the headache moved full force to the front of the head and the nausea almost made her gag on the very thought of what he was proposing. Impulsively, she let the hand he held drop. The night of their wedding had been a mere six weeks ago…had he already forgotten?
"What?...No. I-I can't. You know that. Why are you asking me this again? We decided…" she paused, taking a breath to sort her many muddle thoughts. "I can't think of anything that would justify…not completing my mission. You know this. I won't give up. Why are you even bringing this up again? Why can't you just let-"
"Whoa! Okay. I'm sorry!" He rose his hands up in surrender. "I forgot. Untouchable subject. Besides, I'm getting ahead of myself. So much merely…depends."
Yuna raised an eyebrow. Tidus and cryptic never were a good match. They usually ended up in disaster. "Depends on what?"
He just grinned. That maddening, cocky, heart-stopping grin.
"Yuna! Tidus! I want to get OUT of here! MOVE!" the couple turned to meet the eyes of all five of the other guardians, waiting not so patiently on the metal staircase above them which led to the interior of the ship. The smallest and blondest of which had bypassed the barriers and took a shortcut of climbing the scaffolding in order the yell at them. "Don't make me come down there!"
"I swear she gets more like a monkey every day," Tidus whispered, causing a nervous giggle the escape Yuna's lips. She was still frightfully curious of Tidus' portentous expectations.
"We'll be right there!" Tidus yelled back, gesturing with a nod of the head that they should continue up. "We better get moving."
Taking her hand once more, Tidus moved with new found enthusiasm toward the staircase, pulling her along like a rag doll since she sorely lack the energy to keep up naturally. The clicking sound of their comrades' shoes on steel rang above them as they gained ground, moving closer and closer to the promised foreboding clinic.
"Try to get your own room" Tidus whispered in her ear as they got closer to the ship's entrance, a mere few meters behind the general party. They slowed their steps to a normal pace, Yuna's breathing labored from the run as Tidus stood behind her, hands on her shoulders to lead. "We have a second chance to say goodbye, and I don't want to waste it. I want to memorize you…every piece of you."
His breath tickling her ear made her shudder, as did his words. Her breathing quickened to an even greater pace and her skin that had once been chilly suddenly felt unbearably hot. The sudden change made her dizzy but, as usual, it was a good dizzy.
A second chance, huh? As avid as she was to get the Sin termination ball rolling, a relaxing night with Tidus in her bed, an actual bed for once, was the very epitome of temptation. It was risky with her guardians so close, each probably wanting to discuss the day's events. It was disrespectful to her gracious uncle who would, without a doubt, turn the residents upside down to secure her the best room. It was wrong in general, for they were no longer married.
But…
His hand was on her back as he led her down the steel catwalk, closing in on the group as Rikku struggled with the intricate machina lock. His fingers, splayed gently right underneath her hair, swept small circles delicately along her skin, sending jolts of electricity wherever they brushed.
It was hot. Too hot. Her head started throbbing, sending a vibration through her mind that buzzed so loud it blocked all other sound. Lulu was looking at her with a concerned frown, mouthing words that she couldn't hear. Tidus was saying something. Something about the clinic. Something about touching her. Something…
All she could hear was her heart beating. Every breath she took added to the intense pressure in her chest. She was so very tired.
She noticed too late that her foot had missed a stair, sliding sideways along loose scaffolding, stripping her of what little balance remained. She felt herself falling.
Everything went dark.
Author's Notes: Ten years later…she updates! Haha. Sorry about the wait. After loosing this chapter due to computer being stamped on I procrastinated rewriting for as long as possible. Pain in the ass but it's done. There was an extra scene in the original that I'll hafta face eventually, but for now I just really wanted to update with something. On brighter note, this semester due to overload of insanely difficult classes I somehow convinced my dad to help me out financially so I don't have to work. No, that doesn't mean more free time since school is doing a fine job of sucking that up. But it does mean that my breaks, instead of having a cup of coffee, I'm chained to my desk and write in between programming. I started this chapter two weeks ago and voila! All in spare time :D. Hope you're still willing to read and review. You know it makes my day and inspires me to speed it up. Enjoy!
-Nancy