See earlier chapters for disclaimers!
Chapter 21: Either World.
Severus swallowed. He was concentrating on staying still, willing himself to disappear into the depths of the armchair. He could not bring himself to raise his eyes to meet Sirius' stare. The man sat opposite him, dark eyes boring into Severus' skull, his arm in a makeshift sling.
Severus prepared to reply. He was still reeling from the realisation that he had exposed himself completely, not only to Dumbledore but to Lupin and Black as well. However, all three men now awaited Snape's reaction to Dumbledore's suggestion; he had no option but to speak. He did so, quietly, keeping his hands twisted tightly in his lap and his eyes fixed deliberately on his knees.
"How can you ask me to give up my magic? It is all I have."
"Severus, it will not be permanent. Surely you see that we cannot allow you to keep performing wandless magic, however unintentional it may be: it is too dangerous. You cannot control it. Nobody can help you if they can't trust you enough to get close. You can't keep attacking people."
"What…what if something happens, I mean anything could..? Headmaster, it leaves me helpless. What am I to do if…"
"Remus will have control over your magical flow. If there is any emergency, he will release it and your full power will return. Do you not trust to that?"
Severus' jaw clenched. He shook slightly under the pressure of his taut muscles.
"And… what if… what am I expected to do if I am attacked from… the inside?"
Dumbledore paused uncertainly. "You truly believe Remus would use your magic against you?"
Severus missed the werewolf's hurt look in his direction. "Perhaps not Lupin, but…"
"Me."
Severus chanced his first glance at Sirius, who had, until now, been unusually quiet in Dumbledore's presence.
"Given our track record, you can hardly consider my concern to be…unfounded." He reminded Black, coldly.
"Situations change, Snape - "
" - The situation is the same, only your knowledge of it has changed, Black."
There could be no argument. Sirius' eyes drifted down to his arm; he needed to prove his worth to Snape. The man still thought of him as the child he had once been… and perhaps his mind did not wander so far from reality as Sirius would have liked.
"I'll surrender my magic too." All eyes were on Sirius as he engaged Snape's stare, willing him to see the sincerity with which he spoke. "Would you then submit? If Remus alone had power?"
Severus peered cautiously at Sirius, trying to discern his intentions. It made no sense that Black would offer to do that, he had no reason. He watched Black's face for any sign of deviousness. He found none.
Without magic, Black would still be more powerful than Snape, but this did give Severus a better chance. He had no choice. There would be no better offer.
"What do you say, my child? Will you let me do this?"
Severus' eyes flickered closed in defeat. He forced a weak smile that was more of a grimace. "Of course, Headmaster. Have I ever refused you?"
Dumbledore hesitated uncertainly, then nodded sadly, his eyes falling.
That was not the response had hoped for. But it would suffice.
Dumbledore placed a hand gently on Remus' forehead and murmured a few words. The werewolf shuddered as the spell engulfed his body and Dumbledore placed a hand firmly on his shoulder.
"I entrust you with the spell's completion, Remus. I must return; I feel that my presence is needed at Hogwart's."
He looked to Severus, who avoided the Headmaster's burning gaze " I have faith in you my child. I will keep an eye out to your progress and your safety…whether you see it or not." He began to back away from the young man, who dared not meet his eyes.
"I hope to re-establish contact soon."
The Headmaster opened the door to the hallway, pausing to throw a last, worried glance at Severus. "Trust that I have left you in capable hands. I would do no less."
Sirius and Remus exchanged lingering looks as the man left.
Snape was surprised to see Black nod grimly to himself, then stand and follow Albus without a word, closing the door sharply behind him.
Severus' attention was then drawn immediately to Remus as the man stepped closer to him. He recoiled into his armchair and focused on his own knees, waiting for the werewolf to do the inevitable. It never came. Lupin stayed silent, but his eyes spoke volumes.
Severus gripped his own arms, steadying himself to ask what he most feared.
"Do you need to touch me?"
Sirius yanked the door closed behind him, barely controlling his anger. The Headmaster was halfway down the hall already, his long white hair shinning, the only object untouched by the darkness.
"I see you now."
Dumbledore stopped abruptly.
"I do not understand how I could ever have done otherwise." Sirius hissed slowly, his voice cold and calm. "I have never before seen so clearly the ruthless way in which you exploit the people bound to you by circumstance."
The Headmaster turned slowly towards him, but Sirius did not give him chance to speak.
"I do not doubt that you care. I do not doubt that you feel the shame you deserve. But such manipulation and strategic manoeuvring dishonour you, Dumbledore. You act with your mind and not with your heart. One would be hard pushed to believe you a Gryffindor.
Perhaps age and cruel experience has made you more willing to be sadistic in your realism, but your treatment of Snape was deplorable; do you not see his condition? I refuse to attack you in his presence and neither would I wish to upset Remus - I am aware of their unwavering respect for you; I have had my fair share of it - but I cannot allow my present contempt for your actions to go unexpressed.
In my eyes you are not fit to be our figurehead in this war if you would lose sight of the suffering of individual warriors in the name of the greater good.
Such behaviour is not worth fighting for; it is what we struggle against. Never lower yourself to believe that it's acceptable to cause immoral suffering, on any level, regardless of the scale. It is irrelevant that Snape is just one man, and that our fight will benefit from his ordeal. If you start thinking like that, you lose sight of our aims. You forget which side you're fighting for, and they win.
I'm not saying that I haven't slipped up, or betrayed our values - far from it, in fact - but you… quite honestly, I'd had higher expectations for you."
The Headmaster breathed furiously. His blue eyes smote lividly. In all his years of troublemaking, Sirius had never invoked the Headmaster's wrath so successfully.
"Do not ever attempt to judge me Sirius. I am far beyond your understanding. My actions take into consideration a great multitude of harsh truths, few of which you will ever comprehend.
I do not lead this fight out of dumb luck or trickery! I have earned the respect of our world, despite my eccentricities and nonconformity, which alone stands testimony to the excellence of my actions.
I am not so foolish as to believe that the idealism and courage of Gryffindors is enough to win this fight, I employ the qualities of all four houses in my leadership. Intelligence, cunning, determination, and bravery all have their place behind my actions."
The Headmaster paused as emotional weariness rushed over him, replacing his previous, futile anger. He elaborated, dejectedly, the animagus remaining quiet in the wake of such fury.
"I have lost none of my morals, Sirius, only my naivety. The actions I took tonight are the ones that Severus himself would have taken, were he in his right mind. I have learned to think a certain way, by his example. He is an extraordinary man. He appreciates the harshness and resolve that is necessary for victory. I would not have him mollycoddled or treated like some sort of helpless fool. I will not destroy the vital dignity that is already slipping so quickly from his grasp."
Dumbledore paused again, and still Sirius could find nothing to oppose the man with. He was being 'cruel to be kind' - the only argument against it was emotional, not rational.
Dumbledore recognised Sirius' familiar predicament of self-doubt, and nodded grimly.
"It is not the way in which I would have dealt with any other child in his situation… but then there is none that will ever be. Severus is unique in every way. He is not to be treated with the same patronisation and overprotection that most victims would rightfully warrant. His character and his honour demand more.
Severus is losing his mind. If he is not treated with the respect that his true self deserves, he will never be that person again. His suffering now will prevent future pain - not only his own, but the entire Wizarding World's. For, mark my words, he will emerge from this more powerful in mind and soul than ever before. Such demonstrations of resourcefulness and endurance as he will later need, in light of his future choices, will be all the more remarkable for this gruelling experience.
He is strong Sirius. Given the chance, he will prove himself."
Dumbledore grasped Sirius' shoulder firmly. Sirius felt his resolve wilting under the man's stern gaze.
"You need not question my motives again." The old man's eyes travelled along the hall behind Sirius, coming to rest on the closed door. "Protect him."
Sirius nodded heavily.
"STOP!" Snape slapped Lupin's hand away and scrambled out of the armchair, placing it as a physical barrier between himself and the werewolf.
Severus was ashamed of his reaction, but
Remus did not move, leaving his arm frozen where it had been thrown.
Sweat ran freely down Snape's forehead and he was shivering with fear.
"I cannot allow it… I… I cannot!" Severus choked, feeling utterly ashamed at his involuntary reaction, but shaking his head in distress.
Remus gently lowered his arm. "It's alright. One touch was all I needed."
Severus sighed in frustration, willing himself to calm down. He ran a hand over his face.
"This is getting ridiculous, Lupin. What can I do?"
Remus could make no suggestion.
Both men looked up as the door opened and Sirius stepped through, pausing to assess the unexpected scene before him.
"Sirius." Remus smiled fleetingly after a moment. "Come, I need your magic too."
"Yup." Sirius consented, casually moving to Remus' outstretched arm.
Remus let his fingers linger on Sirius' forehead as he spoke the incantation. Sirius caught Snape's eyes over his friend's shoulder, and to his surprise, found them filled with a strange, longing.
Suddenly, Severus flinched, squeezing his eyes shut and breaking their brief contact.
"Snape?"
A hiss of pain.
"…I must go."
"What?" Exclaimed the simultaneous reaction.
"I must go to him…"
"You're jokin' mate!" Sirius scoffed in disbelief, slipping his accent back into place defensively.
"Errr…Severus, I truly think…"
"No…no," Severus laughed caustically, "you've no idea, you don't understand…"
"We understand alright," growled Sirius - having been told that too often today - "and we've got no intention of lettin' you go back to him. Do you think we'd send you back to get hurt again? Quite apart from the fact that Dumbledore's forbidden it, we're the ones that are stuck lookin' after you, and we've enough bloody problems as it is!"
"Problems…you think you've got problems? You don't know the meaning…" Snape snarled, gripping at his forearm in agony. "If you don't let me go, they… they will come for me themselves."
Remus and Sirius exchanged glances. "What do you mean?"
"They won't simply let my absence go unheeded or unpunished." Snape edged cautiously towards the door, his eyes twitching between Sirius, Remus and his exit.
"They won't find you here."
"Don't you believe it. If they want to, they'll find me anywhere."
"Look mate, you are not going."
"Listen you mangy dog – by stopping me, you're equally endangering all three of us! If they come for me neither of you will be shown mercy…"
"We accept the risks." Sirius declared stoically.
"You fool." Snape sneered viciously. "You think you're so brave and honourable. But it's not a risk you're taking, it's a suicide pact."
"Enough with the dramatics!"
"Do I look like an actor?"
"The best in the world…"
"Appearances are deceiving."
"Family motto, Snape?"
"Enough!" Lupin shouted, stepping between Sirius and Snape, both equally distanced from the exit. "Severus, why would they recall you so soon? It's been less than a day…"
"Either he knows I have been removed from Hogwart's, or there's some other emergency."
"But how could he possibly know you..?"
"I am not the only 'spy' within those walls. The Dark Lord does not tolerate insubordinance of any sort."
Sirius muttered sardonically. "Is he unaware that 'to forgive is divine'?"
"He does have a tendency to be somewhat unconventional." Snape retorted, his voice becoming increasingly waspish.
"Rules through fear rather than divinity..?" Sirius mocked challengingly.
"I assure you it's an effective method."
Snape now stood before the door, with both Sirius and Lupin facing him determinedly. He could not pass without physically moving the men.
And it was no longer within his power to do so.
Another shot of fire burst through his scar and he groaned in agony.
Lupin caved from his position of machismo. "Please, Severus, you must appreciate that we cannot, and will not, ever concede to your leaving. Even if we did, you would never make it in time; there are apparating shields for miles around the house and you no longer posses your magic!"
The pain was sucked suddenly from Snape's scar.
The spy stared at Lupin with a growing fear, as he felt the terrible nothingness of anticipated consequences in his flesh.
"May we all pray that we are not found."
"Snape, try to have a little faith in us, we will protect you."
"Sirius." Snape whispered, closing his eyes seriously.
Sirius was so taken aback by the use of his first name that his mouth opened slightly in consternation.
"You cannot protect me from the Dark Lord."
Such a silence followed that Sirius struggled vainly to find good reason to break it.
"You…should not call him that." He managed, almost angry at his situation. "You should not show such reverence for him."
Snape's features twisted slowly into a frown, as he began to truly comprehend the sheer ignorance of the man before him.
"Do you honestly imagine that I can risk treating the Master with less respect?
"Master! You would award a vindictive murderer such dignity and recognition?"
It seemed the more aggressive and volatile Sirius' behaviour became, the increasingly calculated Snape's answers, and the deeper penetrating his thoughts.
Lupin found himself morbidly enchanted by such a pronounced development in the men's' relationship.
"Do you not believe the man deserves some title, after all he has done?" Snape inquired, disconcertingly.
"I can think of some titles for that bloody monster, but 'Lord' and 'Master' aren't among them."
Snape raised his eyebrows and murmured softly. "Count yourself lucky. Some of us do not see so clearly." A slow despair was creeping over him now in the aftermath of the pain.
It was too late. They would all suffer now.
"Stop trying to impress me with your 'superior complexity' or whatever the hell you're tryin' to convey by honouring that maniac. If you had that much damn respect for him you'd never have turned spy in the first place, Snape, – or are you just using this to console your conscience whilst still allowin' you to enjoy his soddin' company? You're sick. Choose a goddam side!"
"Sirius!" Lupin interrupted fervently, thrusting a hand towards Sirius, but too late.
It seemed that Remus never intervened in time to stop Sirius overstepping the mark. Not ever. And not now.
Everything rested on Snape's reaction.
The man moved slowly. There were so many people like Sirius in the world. People who saw in black and white - enjoyed the clarity of ignorance and passion. People who could not understand the relationships of a many splintered mind, in which colours fragmented like sunlight through prisms, distinguishing only between right and wrong as far as the possible and the impossible.
He turned his back on the men, standing like strangers in his parlour, blissfully unaffected by the memories of a life spent here. This was all in vain. No good could come of their interaction here. Despite their close proximity, the men were worlds away.
He caressed his throbbing temple gently.
"You're so far beneath me, Black." Snape's voice swept softly. He walked stiffly to the window ledge. "Always, such a fool."
The sentence was allowed to sink fully into the dust, before a restless shuffle and a low growl succeeded it.
"I'm serious, Snape. You can't have the best of both worlds."
The ex-death eater stared out into the darkness.
"I'd settle for the best of either."
Thank you for reading. Please let me know your thoughts:)