Chapter 21

Tony and Ellie were in the bullpen filling out reports while Ducky and Gibbs were still up with Tim and Kelly.

"How in the world did Gibbs keep Abby from running up there and killing McGee with kindness?" Ellie asked in a low voice.

"I don't know, but I'll bet it won't last much longer," Tony said absently. He was distracted by what he'd seen. Tim wasn't generally an extremely emotional person. He didn't usually show much. ...but touching those memories of the time when he'd been missing was enough to turn him into a shrieking, terrified stranger. What did that say for what had happened? They hadn't saved him from it. Nothing they'd done had saved him.

The phone on his desk rang. He thought about not answering, but that was never a good idea.

"Agent DiNozzo."

"Hello, Tony." Her voice was more heavily accented than it had been, but still unmistakable.

"Ziva?"

Ellie looked up in surprise.

"Have you found McGee? I got your messages."

"Nice to hear from you, Miss David. It's been a long time. I'm fine. How are you?"

"Tony, you left a message saying that Tim had been abducted. That is my main concern. Other things can wait until later."

"We found him. He's a mess," Tony said. "He was tortured for six months, and he has amnesia. Ducky thinks it's caused by psychological trauma. He's remembered something, but not much besides being tortured."

There was a long silence.

"I am...sorry, Tony. That sounds terrible...but I am glad that you found him."

"I left the messages weeks ago. Months ago."

"I was...busy. I have not been seeing anyone at all."

"So it wasn't just because the messages were from me?"

"Of course not. I called you as soon as I got the messages. Do you need anything from me? Can I help?"

"I don't know yet," Tony said. "It's been kind of crazy here. I don't suppose you could hop on over here?"

"No."

That was all. Just a negative.

"But I will be with Schmiel for a few days. If you call, I will be here."

Tony knew that was the best he could expect.

"Thank you, Ziva. Tim will appreciate it...when he remembers you."

"Tony... It has been...a long time. Thank you for thinking of me. I was surprised to hear from you, even before I knew why."

"Ziva..."

"You may call me...later. Good-bye, Tony."

"Bye, Ziva."

Tony hung up and sat back with a sigh.

"Ziva?" Ellie asked.

"Yeah. If Tim decides he wants to, she said she'd be around for him to call."

"That's good," Ellie said with a determinedly upbeat tone.

Tony hadn't told her anything about Ziva, but she'd be completely oblivious if she didn't realize there was something complicated there.

"Yeah. It's good. If anything is good about this."

"Hey, Tim is back. He's safe from those people who tortured him. He's not alone."

"He wasn't alone before, remember? He still hasn't remembered anything good about being here. Seeing him go through that again...man, Ellie. It's...wrong. Isn't once bad enough?"

"Yeah, it is. And twice is worse," Ellie says.

"Thanks."

Ellie smiled.

"Tony...this is what we've been hoping for since Tim disappeared. He's back. He's safe. If things aren't really perfect yet, they have the chance to be. He's only been in DC for a few hours. You can't expect it to be all right yet."

"Yeah. I know. I just hate that he thinks we abandoned him."

"He'll realize we didn't."

"Maybe."

"No. He will. When he has a chance to think without re-experiencing all that, he'll know."

"I hope so."

Tony looked up toward the balcony. It just wasn't right that Tim was finally back but still so miserable.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim still felt miserable. He'd let his head fall back to the table, feeling drained by the intense memories. The only comfort was Kelly's quiet presence. She hadn't said anything more, letting him have quiet. Thankfully, Ducky wasn't saying anything, either. Gibbs had left at some point. Tony and Ellie were gone, too.

He thought about saying something, but he was now afraid that anything he said, anything he saw, would send him reeling back into his recent past...and he didn't want that. He'd remembered enough. He was now ready to give up on that and embrace not knowing. In fact, what was he even doing here? Why had he thought this was a good idea?

Tim forced himself to sit up.

"I can't do this," he said, not sure to whom he was speaking, really. "It's too hard."

Ducky's expression was only sympathetic.

"Timothy, perhaps we should take a break from the serious questions right now. How would you feel about seeing your home?"

"Away from here?" Tim asked.

"Yes. Away from NCIS. I do still want you to get a full checkup, but we could go to your home, first. How do you feel about that?"

"Yes, please," Tim said. Maybe it was wimpy of him, but he had never felt so overwhelmed.

"All right. You and Ms. Hoopes can wait here for a moment while I tell Jethro about the change in plans."

"Will there be a problem?" Kelly asked.

Tim didn't care if there would be, personally.

"If there is, I will make sure it still happens," Ducky said, firmly.

Tim was surprised. He looked at Ducky for a moment, and Ducky smiled.

"You need the time away, Timothy. I can see it. Anyone looking at you for a more than a second could see it. None of us could have anticipated how you reacted to being here, and I'm sorry for it. Would that we could go back and give you a more positive first impression."

"Yeah."

"Since I can't do that for you, I will do the next best thing and give you the time you need."

Ducky slipped out the room and Tim looked at Kelly. She smiled.

"Wow, Tim. This is nothing like I expected."

"I didn't expect it, either."

"I know. How are you feeling right now?"

"I just want to get out of here."

"We will. I trust Dr. Mallard."

"I feel like I can, too."

Kelly hugged Tim tightly.

"You'll get through this, Tim. I know you will."

"I hope you're right."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ducky was ready to do battle, if necessary. He hoped it wouldn't be, but he could see how drained Tim had become by that sudden onslaught of memories, not one of which had been pleasant. He would do what it took to get Tim his recovery time. They wouldn't get him back by pushing him beyond his limits.

"Ms. Long, is Agent Gibbs in there?"

Pamela nodded.

"Yes."

"Might I join them?"

"Of course! Go on in."

"Thank you."

Ducky stepped inside Vance's office and saw Gibbs and Vance talking together at the table.

"Dr. Mallard," Vance said. "How is Agent McGee feeling now?"

"Overwhelmed, to put it mildly," Ducky said. "I'm afraid he needs to get away from the building for a few hours...at the least."

"Oh?"

"Yes. His flashbacks were so intense that he has been drained by them. He's ready to give up at this point."

"Already?"

"Director, Timothy is reliving six months of torture with nothing positive to make him feel that the effort is worth it. He needs to see that there is more to the life he forgot than the agony he's suffered. Otherwise, we'll lose him, again. Torture is the kind of psychological trauma that can't simply be ignored or avoided. When the memories come, they are often intense and painful. Even the therapy for torture victims is different than for other types of psychological damage. We must let Timothy escape from the pain, at least, for a little while."

Vance looked at Gibbs and then back.

"Very well. Gibbs told me about what he said these people wanted. I'd be lying if I said I'm happy about letting him leave without as much as he can tell us, but I'll take your advice. Understand, however, Dr. Mallard, that while I'm sympathetic to Agent McGee's needs, I can't forget about the needs of the many more people who stand to be in danger because of those who captured him."

"I understand. It will be a balancing act and I will do my best to keep it from falling to one side or the other."

"Very well. Go ahead."

"Thank you, Director."

Ducky left the office, knowing that Vance was right, but hating it all the same. The last thing he wanted was to cause Tim to feel yet more pain. It was unlikely that he'd be able to relate any details without experiencing them again. However, if they hadn't caught all of the people involved in the planned attack on the building, as was likely, more delay would mean more danger for everyone who worked here, including Tim himself.

Still, he was determined to let Tim see something good, something that would forge new connections to his old life.

He walked back into the conference room and saw Tim leaning against Kelly. He was still very pale. Ducky was actually worried about another walk through the building triggering yet another foray into Tim's memories.

The two hadn't noticed him yet.

From a clinical point of view, Ducky had to admit that it was fascinating that Tim's amnesia seemed to be, at least partially, voluntary. If what he'd said during his flashbacks was accurate, he had tried to forget things just so that he couldn't reveal any information. If he didn't know it, he couldn't say it. He wasn't sure he'd ever heard of that kind of amnesia before. More than likely, it was the trauma from the torture that made it possible, but in the end, Tim had wanted to forget. It was just that he'd forgotten everything and, now, was having trouble accessing those memories again.

He cleared his throat. Tim jumped and took a deep, shaky breath. He tried to smile.

"So...uh...Ducky?"

Ducky smiled at Tim's attempt to be familiar with someone he didn't really remember yet.

"If you're up to walking, I'll take you outside and we'll give you a break."

"Okay."

Tim got up, but he leaned against Kelly a little bit. They headed for the door, and then, Tim stopped.

"Will I have to go through that again?" he asked.

"I don't know, Timothy."

Tim swallowed and then, he looked at Ducky.

"Could I...close my eyes? Would that be too...wimpy?"

"If you would like to close your eyes, Ms. Hoopes and I can help you out."

"Thanks."

Tim closed his eyes and Ducky smiled at Kelly before taking hold of one of Tim's arms. Kelly stood on the other side and they walked toward the elevator. Ducky looked down at the balcony and saw Tony and Ellie looking up. He put a finger to his lips. He wanted to get Tim out of the building with no further problems...if it was possible.

They got on the elevator, rode down to the main level and then headed for the door.

"Ducky?"

"We're fine, Henry," Ducky said quickly. "We'll be back."

Henry nodded, although he looked a little surprised at the sight of Tim walking with his eyes closed.

They got out of the building and into Ducky's car. Tim sighed with relief.

"I made it."

"Yes, you did."

"I'm sorry, Ducky. I just..."

"Timothy, you don't have to justify yourself to me. You never do. This is something that I would like to do for you and, since I can, I will."

Tim smiled.

"So...to my home?"

"Yes. We've cleaned it a few times, but otherwise, it's exactly as it was when you disappeared."

"It's been more than eight months," Tim said in surprise.

"Yes, but we kept hoping that we'd get some sign of where you were and we couldn't bear to assume that we'd never find you. We made arrangements with your landlord. The power isn't on, but you'll be able to see your home and the things that belong to you."

"Oh."

Ducky smiled as he headed away from NCIS. He wasn't above planting the seeds of reconciliation, that Tim's friends were worried about him, had been frightened for him...that he had not been abandoned as he thought.

The ride over to Tim's place was mostly silent, but when they pulled in front of the building, Tim let out one more question...or rather, the same question, asked again.

"What if none of it is familiar to me?" he asked.

Ducky worried about that, too, but given Tim's reactions just to the NCIS building, he would be very surprised if Tim remembered absolutely nothing. All of it? That was another matter, but nothing?

"Let's just go inside and see, shall we?"

"Okay."

Together, Tim and Kelly got out of the back seat and followed Ducky to the building. They stopped at the door and the Ducky decided to let Tim have his first look on his own terms. He turned back and held out the keys.

"It's your home, Timothy."

Tim hesitated and then, he took the keys and put them in the lock. He turned the knob and paused.

"What if I don't remember?" he asked again.

"Just go in, Tim," Kelly said.

"Okay."

Tim pushed the door open and stepped into his apartment. There was so much to see and yet the space was so small.

"This is where I live?" Tim asked, after a few moments of silence.

"Yes."

Tim walked forward, looking around. Ducky couldn't see his face; so he didn't know what Tim was thinking.

Then, Tim stopped and looked to the side. Ducky smiled. The typewriter would get anyone's attention, but to a person who didn't know what to expect, it would likely seem out of place next to all the computer parts.

Without speaking, Tim walked over to the typewriter and sat down.

"I remember this," he said softly.

"What about it?" Kelly asked.

"I like to type. I..." Tim stood up suddenly and went to the bookcase. He scanned the bookcase for a few seconds and then pulled a book of the shelf.

"I wrote this. I typed it on...on this typewriter." He held out the book to Kelly.

"It says it was written by Thom E. Gemcity," Kelly said.

Before Tim could start questioning again, Ducky decided to step in.

"That's your penname, Timothy."

"It says it's a bestseller," Kelly said, in surprise.

"Yes, it was very successful," Ducky said, smiling. "Timothy made quite a bit of money from it."

"Really?"

"Yes, although he didn't let us know about it at first."

"Why Gemcity?" Kelly asked.

"It's an anagram of my name," Tim said. "I didn't want anyone to know that I was publishing a book. ...but I loved it...and no one else did. They were mad at me for it."

Ducky sighed inwardly. Of course, Tim would remember that. However, since it was true, he couldn't pretend that Tim was mistaken.

Before he could try and ameliorate the possible problem, Tim set the book down and went back to the typewriter.

"I was working on a sequel...and two men got killed. Someone had...had started...going after them." Tim sighed and looked at Ducky again. "Is this the good stuff?"

Ducky smiled sadly. "No, Timothy. I'm afraid the stronger the emotion, the more likely it is that you'll remember it. The happier, calmer times may take some extra time to come out."

Tim sighed again and looked at the typewriter.

"I remember sitting here. A lot."

"It was your hobby, one that you kept hidden for a while because it was a part of your life that you held dear."

Tim nodded and then, he looked at the typewriter again.

"I'd started another book. I hadn't got very far. My publisher wasn't interested in it and I hadn't found a new one."

Ducky was surprised. Tim had never told anyone that he was starting to write again...at least, he'd never told anyone who had shared it.

"Really."

"You didn't know?" Tim asked.

"No. Although I'm not surprised you chose to keep it to yourself. What kind of book?"

Tim actually smiled. "Fantasy."

Ducky smiled in return. "Fitting for your interests."

Tim looked around the room and his smile faded.

"But I don't remember everything."

"It will take time, Timothy."

"It's already been two months."

"But only a few hours since you've been back."

"Yeah."

Tim was silent again. He got up and walked into the bedroom. Kelly tagged along behind, but Ducky waited. He wanted to help Tim, but he also didn't want Tim to feel the pressure to remember which would only aggravate his rather frayed nerves.

As he had told Vance, it was a delicate balance, and Ducky just hoped that they could find it.