Crazy - Chapter 21

Rated: T

Allowance

Chapter Summary: Mikey confronts Raphael and the red banded turtle can't believe what he's hearing…

I was almost done with this last week but for some damn reason, I lost my mojo near the end of the chapter and instead of half-assing it, I decided to wait til inspiration came back.

Nevertheless, you'll also be pleased to know the next one is already deep in development and hopefully, I'll finish it quicker than this chapter.. Hope y'all enjoy!

Raphael lumbered back into the lair; heart palpitating frantically in his chest and body a mass of nerves that was ready to implode any second. He wanted nothing more than to just go pound on his punching bag or lift weights until he felt absolutely nothing but the searing white pain enveloping every muscle in his arms and shoulders. He was still adamant he made the right decision not to kiss April but it still hurt like fuckin' hell to have ultimate euphoria so close and to just not take it.

He'd relished in always been the rebel, the risk-taker, the one who defied all logic and expectations to do whatever the hell he deemed fit…but with April, it was a whole different ballgame.

April made him want to curse, scream, cry, rage before ultimately kissing the very ground she walked on. To grovel at her feet for only the sheer opportunity to kiss the tips of her dainty fingers. Totally enamored with her very being and presence yet so hopelessly angry she could cause such an effect on him. The intense diversity of these overwhelming emotions were none he could possibly begin to understand. She was his muse, his obsession, his deepest desire for the sheer opportunity to just stay in her mere presence….he was certain she'd be the untimely death of him.

No one had ever made him feel this way; it was like he wasn't in control of his body or mind; everything about her just encapsulated his very being and he was merely the puppet to her pulling the invisible strings.

If only she knew the power she had over him…

Over the one turtle who rebelled against everything; was selfish and hotheaded, never letting anyone in and always pushing others away…yet she had him in the palm of her hand; turning him into muddy green turtle putty without any effort whatsoever. It was absolutely maddening how much of a hold she had over him…

Pathetic was what it was.

It was like he was helplessly cast underneath her spell; adrift in a tidal wave of intense, soul-crushing emotions without any chance of coming up for air. Lost in a sea of her every wanton desire; for an opportunity for her to notice him as more than a friend; a confidant…a mutated turtle freak. He wanted her to see him as more than just his scaly flesh and reptile blood. Raph wanted April to see into his heart; to allot her the knowledge of how much he really cared about her…loved her like he loved no one else before or could imagine loving since…yet every single fiber in his being knew it would never be the case.

Feet dragging slightly, he moved into the weight room adjacent the open living area.

Going about subconsciously, he moved over to the cabinet and pulled out a roll of white bandage tape. Wrapping up his knuckles and fingers before he lost his mind to his body. Mindlessly slamming the bag of sawdust and sand with raw knuckles and sore knees just to numb the sensation of her finger tips that still ghosted over his neck. To cloud over the scent of her minty breath, so wanton and close. Damn, he could still smell her; that mane of hair that always carried the aroma of spring flowers, aloe, and a scarce hint of coconut oil.

Even if his body was completely enamored with working out or otherwise, she still never was far from his thoughts; his internal musing of which she always played the key role. Never wandering far from his fleeting subconscious; her heart-shaped face, beautiful hourglass frame, breathy laughter, soft voice, cornflower blue eyes, and wave after wave of bouncy dark chocolate locks cascading over her thin shoulders.

April was all he could think about.

Yet it wasn't just physical; she was far more than just a pretty face and stellar body. Unconditional love, kindness and loyalty far outweighing her beauty and putting it to shame. Caring about them when she had nothing to gain; pushing past the world's standards to look past their physicality and still deeply care about them as no human dared to before or since. To see they were more than just freakish mutants. Raphael would be the first to admit that it may have been her beauty than tempted him initially, but it was her personality that completely sucked him in. She was like a drug, constantly invading at every opportune moment just to prove how weak he really was.

For all his fronting and badassery, he was just a mere puppet, a mere pawn to his obsession for April O'Neil.

It was pathetic, sickening, and convoluted but right now, he didn't give a flying fuck. He supposed he always would be cast adrift on the sea of her memories; her very being and presence so intoxicating. Breathing in nothing but her til his lungs gave out. The visions of her smile in his mind's eye; her voice and smell so potent. She wasn't just a want, it was more of a necessity; to never let go and to hopelessly surrender to the emotions she brought out in him. Everything inside of him screamed in rebellion over her vice grip she carried on his heart but he ignored those. Surrendering to this obsession was so easy yet when he found himself with her...it was so different.

If only he could…

"RAPH!" a scream shattered whatever hell reality he'd been thrust into.

All of a sudden, his eyes cleared up to see the very confused, bemused face of Michelangelo staring up at him from the other side of the punching bag. The shock of seeing his orange-banded brother there was nothing to a sudden a strange pain in his hands brought him fully out of whatever trance he was under.

Chancing a glance down, Raphael realized his knuckles had long ago been bleeding; the rust colored, sticky substance now permanently staining the battered gray bag and the once white bandages.

"Fuck!" Raphael growled in great annoyance; the sting from his hands numbing any embarrassment his little trance may have caused.

"Raph?!" Mikey asked again in a quieter tone but Raphael visibly jumped at it anyway.

"Mike. Ya scared the shit outta me! The fuck you want?" Raph growled low in his throat; internally punching himself for talking to Mikey like that when it probably wasn't warranted. Ignoring how his breath was choppy and his pupils partially dilated; likely looked like some mindless zombie. Internally, he wondered just how long he was out of it…

"Nothin'," he replied with a dramatic shrug, "Ya were just making a ruckus in here; thought I'd make sure ya weren't breaking anything like last time."

Raphael rolled his eyes at his answer; pushing back his shoulders before going back at toward the bag with gusto if only to drown out whatever other stupid thing Mikey would say next. He continued this for a few minutes as he waited for the youngest brother to speak, but he didn't; he also didn't leave.

As time went on, it became painfully obvious that Mikey didn't seem to have any desire to vacate the room anytime soon. So much for some damn peace and quiet…

Well aware that his youngest brother was not going to just go away without prompting, Raphael spoke up.

"What do you want, Mike?" Raph grunted, the words punctuated by each blow his fists dealt the saw dust bag. Mikey didn't immediately answer so he spoke again, "Where are Don and Leo? Go annoy them cause I sure as hell ain't in the mood for dis."

"Donnie's asleep and it's Leo turn for patrol." Mikey replied with a lazy shrug. From the corner of his eye, Raphael watched as he kicked at some invisible dirt around on the tattered concrete floor. "Splinter finally let me leave the Hashi just a few minutes ago cause he got tired of standing there watchin' me to make sure I wasn't goofin' off…"

The audible shift that took place in the youngest turtle's voice did not go unnoticed by Raphael. Fists slowing down only slightly, he grunted before replying, "Did ya come here just to squeeze an apology from me, or what? Ya gettin' sent to the Hashi wasn't my damn fault; dat shit was all you, so dontcha hold yer breath on that one, Mike."

"I don't want an apology." the youngest muttered under his breath.

That was enough to stop Raphael cold.

"...What?" he breathed out, hating how his voice took an octave shift with the clenching of his throat.

"I said, I don't want an apology."

"Then what do you want? I ain't exactly in the mood to entertain ya." Raph grumbled out, forcing his vision to study the nicks and grooves on the bag in front of him.

"I know, that. I'm just…I-I'm just wondering why you didn't even bother to tell me that you and April were…ya know - a 'thing'?" Mikey muttered under his breath but Raphael heard it perfectly and his body and mind had the reaction you would expect.

"WHAT!?" he nearly screeched; cheeks and heart aflame at the very accusation. His body was honed in fight or flight mode and it was leaning toward the latter with every painful second that ticked by. How dare Mikey assume even anything was going on, let alone THAT!? Heart a fiercely guarded secret that no one better damn near know nothing about…

"Yeah…It's kinda hard not to notice something is goin' on between ya."

"Heh," Raph couldn't help but chuckle if only because he had no other idea of how to react, "M-Mike, I think ya got the wrong idea. There is nothing going on." Denying it was always the easiest route after all.

"No use lying to me now, Raph. The least you could do for stealing my girl is be honest with me." Mikey flat out admitted and Raphael almost swallowed his tongue at the firmness of his youngest brother's voice.

"S-Steal yer girl?! What the actual fuck gave ya that idea? April is just a friend! I -" Raphael staunchly denied in a louder voice than probably necessary; hating and trying to ignore how hot his face had become and heart palpitating uncomfortably in his chest. Deplored how his body instantly reacted to Mikey calling April "his girl" bothered him more than usual.

"How do you know?" the youngest interrupted; angry blue eyes staring up defiantly at him. Quite a rare sight indeed…usually he was scared shit-less by his massive older brother and his domineering ways and rightly so.

"...What?" it seemed as if that was his only answer for most things tonight.

"Heh. It's so obvious. I mean, she spends a helluva lot of time with you considering she's just a 'friend'," Mikey reiterated with air-quotes, "Always inviting you over and you even spending the night sometimes. All the special treats she brings you and all the movies you guys watch together… I guess I just ignored it before, but... I dunno. She's different with you than she is with any of us." Mikey just seemed nonplussed now; averting his gaze and beginning to pace around the crowded space.

It reminded him far too much of too many moments prior.

How Mike usually sought him out and told him something he was afraid to tell anyone else. While he normally wore his heart on his sleeve, there were certain things Michelangelo only relayed to Raphael. A certain aspect of their relationship; a trusted bond that allowed Raph to hear things their other family members would be impervious to. It astonished him how much Mikey had trusted him with these secrets and he knew what Mike was relaying him wasn't easy for anyone; even him.

Yet another side of him refused his youngest brother's words. His own doubts and speculations about his own emotions bringing out his normal rebellion.

"Yer out of yer fuckin' mind!" Raph growled, eagerly returning to his beat-down on the punching bag even as his knuckles protested. Desperate to drown out his own thoughts as well as Mikey's continuing rant.

"Am I? Ya sure it's not you, bro? You typically got your head shoved so far up your ass that you barely notice anything around here! Let alone the way she looks at you!" Mikey interrupted, bravely pulling back on the punching back so Raphael couldn't reach it.

"Mike! Fuckin stop it! Ya don't know what the hell yer talking about!" Raphael bellowed, reaching back over to pull it back but Mikey dodged it. His cheeks were aflame and his heart was thundering against his rib-cage.

"MIKEY!" Raphael fired a warning shot in the form of a feral roar.

"Just fuckin' listen to me, Raph!" Mikey shouted; blue eyes defiant and angry for one of the first times Raphael could remember. His normally laid back clown of a brother had shifted and it was enough to give Mikey a chance to speak.

"What about tonight? You don't think I saw that!?"Mikey asked, gesturing loosely to the direction of the living room. "You landed right on her tonight but instead of flinchin' and demandin' you get off of her…she looked like she wanted ya to kiss her or somethin'…and for a second, I kinda thought you would."

Raphael froze like a deer in the headlights.

"You may think I'm stupid Raph, but you must be completely deaf, dumb, and blind if ya can't see the way she looks at you…How she always looked at you…" Mikey turned away, "…I-I just wished I noticed it sooner to save myself the heartbreak." the words were softly-spoken, melancholy almost, as Raphael's clenched fists released.

Raphael stood as if stuck in a loophole of time. Body tense and stiff as his eyes finally gravitated toward Michelangelo to really look at him. Back was turned and shell most of what he could see but the slightly trembling in his shoulders gave him away and Raphael felt his heart rupture. As hair-brained and empty-headed as Mikey was most of the time, there was no denying the truth of the words he spoke and the conviction of which he said them.

…Mikey wouldn't have said any of it if he didn't mean it…

Catching his breath, he allowed Mike's words to flush over his body. To register the truth of them. Yeah, April and him did spend an awful lot of time together…alone mostly. She always went out of her way to invite him over, buy him food. Brought over movies he liked and took time out of her hellish schedule to see him at least a once or twice a week…But that didn't mean anything…right? April spent time with his other brothers too. Yeah, she may have spent more time with him personally but he assumed it was just because they liked the same movies. It still didn't answer exactly why she called or texted him to see how he was daily…not his brothers, but him…

…why would she do that if she didn't…

"See?" Mikey suddenly spoke bringing the elder brother out of his thoughts; he saw Mikey now looking at him and the sadness lacing those blue eyes didn't belong there. "I think it's more than that, Raph…actually, I know there is. Take it for whatever that is but… I dunno."

Raphael's throat felt tight as his eyes rose to the face of his brother. An utter sadness that he hated lingered there. "Y-You think she…" he stuttered before his tongue completely gave out.

"Hell, I dunno. I'm just tellin' you what I see. I may not know a lot about humans but I think I've seen enough chick flicks to warrant a lot of it…" Mikey shrugged.

"Mike…" Raph growled.

"You have to admit she spend a lot of one-on-one time with you and I doubt it's 'cause of your sparkling personality."

Raph didn't know how to answer that.

"What about you? I know it's kind of a stupid question, but, do you like her that way?" Mikey asked, peering curiously at Raphael.

Raph's face felt like it was on fire; averting his amber eyes quickly before Mikey could see the shifting emotions in them.

"What the hell does it matter?" Raphael finally muttered out. What the fuckin' hell good would lying do now anyway?

"Whataya mean?"

"It ain't gonna happen, Mike." Raph replied with a dejected chuckle, loathing how his chest tightened painfully to verbally admit it. Yet, he supposed the sooner he came to terms with it, the better off he would be.

"How do you know?"

"Mike, I doubt April -"

"Look, Raph. You have an opportunity here that any of us would die for!" Mikey suddenly shouted and Raphael jumped at the pain lacing his voice. Amber eyes gravitated toward Mikey and he wished he didn't. Tears laced those sad blue eyes and it damn near broke his heart to see his little brother in that condition…

"Mike…" Raph breathed.

"Listen to me, Raph. It doesn't matter how little of a chance there is - it's still a chance! Why would you let it hold you back when this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! I mean, seriously, bro! There ain't too many girls knocking at our door. April is here and she really cares about you. I know she does…"

"...y-you think?"

Mikey shrugged, a sad smile lifting the corners of his mouth. "Heh. Well, you lucky bastard, if I were you, I wouldn't pass it up even if there was only a single chance in hell. I'd fuckin' hold on and never let go…but hey, that's just me."

Raphael grew silent.

Mind a torrent of emotions he could scarcely deal with but a sudden alarm sounding had anything he may or not have said fall to the wayside.