Note: This chapter maybe a little different and I hope yall like it.

This one has SEX, and it's supposed to be an awkward,creepy, badly written sex scene. (And you'll see why)

And if your mad at Shawn at the end, that's reasonable.

I hope you understand what's between Topanga and Cory this chapter (first hint)

Hope yall enjoy.

I was making out with Brad Pitt. Okay no it was Dana Pruitt.

Dana was nice and sweet. She was a great girl. And she wasn't a "fast" girl like the others. I thought she would be a perfect cover up. I also thought dating a nice girl meant I wouldn't have to deal with touching boobs or anything.

But it was that night that her parents weren't home on her couch that she shocked me.

"Let's go upstairs" She whispered.

I didn't like the sound of that. I knew what meant, but I wasn't sure what say about. "What? Why?"

"So we can you know…do it…like have sex."

I swallowed, "Dana…that doesn't sound like you."

"I know. But I really like you Shawn."

"Well I like you too, but…"

"Come on Shawn, I keep hearing about this sex thing…people talk about it like it's some great big secret. I just want to know what it feels like. Don't you?"

I nodded. She was right. Sex felt like a big secret. Adults talked about it as if were murder. Girls talked about it as if that it was juicy gossip. Guys talked about it as if were to make you man. I know some of you think that 15 is too young. But in my reality it wasn't. Growing up it felt like every guy starting going after it the minute they discovered it. I would hear guys brag about doing it at school almost every day. Honestly the more I heard the more it sounded like sex was less about fucking girls and more impressing guys.

I was so confused about it.

Dana grabbed me by the hand, and dragged me up-stairs.

"Wait, we can't" I yelled out as we sat her bed.

"Why?" I examined pulling off her top, "You don't want me?" She pulled her knees to her chest and frowned.

I wanted to do the right thing and be honest with her. She deserved to have her first time with a guy way better than me but…

"It's because I'm too flat chested uh?" she started to cried.

I hated hearing someone feel undesirable.

"No, no" I reassured her putting my hands on her knees, "your chest is fine. It's more than fine it's amazing."

"Is it because I'm little fat?"

"No, no. Dana you're not fat at all."

"Is it because I'm not as pretty as the other girls?"

"No, no. Dana you're totally hot and beautiful and I would love to do it with you but…"

"But why?"

I wanted her to stop crying, yet give a reasonable excuse. "Um…it's just that…" Then I had a thought, "we don't have any protection"

She tilted her head, "Oh I thought guys carried around condoms all the time."

She wasn't wrong. A lot guys kept one or two in their wallet or something.

I nervously laughed, "Well I accidentally left them in my other pants."

She nodded, "Okay, then I'll just get one from my brother's room." She got up and left the bedroom.

I started taking deep breaths.

"Oh Shit. What is wrong with me?"

I pushed my hair back. "Okay. Okay. Maybe I can do this, come sex can't be that hard…and maybe after seeing a girl all naked and stuff I'll like it. Okay…just act cool"

Dana walked back in holding up a square piece of foil with an ugly off white circle in the middle.

She handed it to me, "Here you go"

"Mm… thanks. Do you mind if I go…put it on in the bathroom?"

She nodded, "Okay, I'll be here waiting"

I tried to act my coolest as I walk out. I started freaking out in the bathroom. I had never put a condom on before and wasn't really sure how. Frist I couldn't open it. I had to bite down and rip it (I think I hurt my teeth). I looked at the pencil size condom and thought how in the hell am I going to put my dick in this thing. I kind of stench it out as far as I could. I inhaled and placed my foreskin in the rubber. Then I lost my balance and fell. I wondered if it was too late to run. I wanted to just go back in time and undo all this. I had calmed myself down by the time I pulled it over my balls…then. Then I let it go.

It snapped.

"Ow" I screamed.

"Shawn, are you okay?" Dana called out.

"I'm fine…I'm just getting in the zone."

I looked in the mirror. I took a deep breath, "This is good. This is what I want."

I repeated those words over and over until could semi believe in them. Pushed my hair back. Pulled up my pants. And walk back to the bedroom.

Now if you think I'm about to describe some horror movie scene your wrong.

I opened the door to see Dana her bra and under where. She nervously shifted positions in her bed. She laid on her stomach and tried to look seductive. Then she shook her head no. Then she laid on her back with her legs open. She shook her head again and sat up with her legs crossed. I couldn't see she was having the same feelings I was. Fear. Worry. Unsure. Lost.

I also couldn't help to notice the irony of the color white. White, the color of purity. The color of Dana's under where. The color of her sheets. The color of the condom I was wearing.

"Oh Shawn" she noticed me.

I waved and walk to the bed. "So you already took your clothes off."

"Oh I'm sorry" she squeaked, "Were you supposed to be the one doing that? I'm sorry, I don't know exactly how this works."

"No, no that's fine…should I take mine off?"

She nodded, "Yea, I think that is what you're supposed to do next."

I sat down on the bed while I pulled off my black under shirt. I shut my eyes tight to stop any tears that might come as my pulled my pants down to the floor. "So…what's next?"

"Well in the movies, people start with kissing."

I nodded and kissed her. This kiss felt the most awkward, I guess because we both knew what was going to happen. She laid herself down and I was on top of her.

"Do I need to take off my bra too?"

"No, you don't have to."

I helped her slide her panties off, "Okay let…um do this." I moved down her body.

I think I almost threw up. To me her vagina looked some monster plant thing.

"Shawn is everything okay?"

"Yea...I was just admiring you."

I should have stopped right there. That would've been the right choice. But instead I grabbed my dick and tried to put in it.

"Shawn" Dana squealed.

"What?" I was hoping she would say to stop.

"Moved it a little higher"

I shifted it and slid into the opening. I freaked out and fell on her.

"Oh" Dana squeaked.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No"

I looked down. It was in. "Okay"

So I started "thrusting" my hips. This didn't feel right. Being on top of her. Being inside her. Looking at her. None of it felt right. There wasn't any heat or anything people said there would be.

I just kept doing it. My mind trying to figure out what to do. What to think. What to touch. I just shut eyes and kept going. Praying that I started to feel something.

It was quiet expect for Dana's moaning. I wished I was able to moan in pleasure like that. It felt like it dragged on for forever.

"Dana, were home."

Dana pushed me off, "It's my parents."

"Dana, are you in bed?" a woman's voice called out.

"Shawn, get your clothes on now."

I wasn't going to disagree with that. We quickly put our clothes on. I just felt so relieved that it was over.

"Shawn, hurry." She sniffed opening her bedroom window.

I started to hear footsteps, "I'm coming up Angel" a man's voice spoke.

I hopped out that window grabbed the drain pipe slid down it. I didn't start breathing again until I was on the grass.

I laid there for a minute with my pants unzipped and took of the dry condom.

My first thought was to run Cory's house.

%%%%

I walked into his living room to see something that was confusing yet fucking funny.

Cory and Topanga were on the couch with green stuff on their faces painting Topanga nails.

"Come on, Debbie go after him." Topanga screamed at TV.

"You know David is your soul mate." Cory cried out too.

"Hey Cor" I waved.

"Hey Shawnie" he cheered.

"Hi Shawn" Topanga smiled.

I rolled my eyes, "Hi Topanga"

I went over and sat on the couch leg next to him, "Hey Cor can we go talk for second…alone?"

He nodded, "Sure let's go to my room."

I started walking to the stairs with him following me. But couldn't help to notice my best friend was walking like a penguin.

"Okay why are you walking like that?"

"Because my toes aren't dry yet." He replied pointing to his feet.

I looked down, "Oh they sparkle"

"Yea, it's called wonderland. Topanga suggested it" Then he sort of giggled, "You like it?"

I nodded, "it looks fabulous."

%%%%

When we got to his room I laid down on his bed, "You would not believe what happened tonight."

Cory laid down next to me, "Did something happened with Dana?"

I wasn't going to tell him everything, but I had to share something, "Yea…I slept with her."

"Slept with her? As in?"

"Sex"

He grasped, "Sex?"

I nodded.

"Wow" he muttered "How?"

"What do you mean how?"

"I mean like…I don't know. So…how was it?"

I took a breath. "Can I tell you the truth?"

"Best friends never lie to each other."

That the biggest lie of all. How ironic.

"Well I had to put a condom on"

His mouth dropped, "Wow, I don't even know to put one on."

"I didn't either, but I…um figured it out."

"Dose it hurt?"

"Oh yea"

"Ouch…so…was it like good? The sex?"

I didn't want to answer that question. "It…I don't know. It was okay I guess."

"Wow Shawn…so what is going to happen to you and Dana?"

"I don't know. I didn't think about that yet."

"Do you love her?"

"No" I quickly smirked.

Cory tried to turn his head. But he ended up spreading some of that green stuff on my face.

I sat up and wiped it off, "What is this?"

"Avocado, it's not bad but it could use some salt and pepper."

I laughed. That's my Cory.

"I'm serious" he remarked. He wiped some on his fingers, "Come on, taste it"

"I don't want to" I chuckled.

Cory kept trying to stick his fingers in my face, "oh come on"

I kept on laughing and dodging them.

Cory playfully pulled me down to on the bed. We just went on housing around. It was silly, crazy, and it made no sense…and it felt perfect.

Then I felt his fingers being shoved into my mouth. My tongue naturally wrapped itself around them. I can't describe it but there was suddenly this taste in my mouth. Breathless feeling in my lungs. Heat source in my stomach. I didn't know why…until I realized it. I realized that I was licking Cory's fingers. I pulled them out of my mouth and jumped to my feet.

"Um…you're right…it could use some salt."

I turned back to look at him. He didn't move at all. He just paused in the same position with a blank stare mumbling under his breath.

"Hey Cor…I've had a rough night, so I'm gotta go." I said opening his window.

"Okay Shawn." He nodded getting up from his bed, "I should probably get back to Topanga anyway…Good night"

%%%%%

On the walk home it hit me. I realized I had that those few seconds sucking Cory's fingers gave me more of a high than that whole night with Dana. I was still processing my first time having sex. I couldn't believe I did that. I begged my body to feel something…but I just felt disgusted.

But I felt disgusted.

Disgusted by her.

Disgusted by myself.

And with that thought tears started coming. Tears started coming down my cheeks as walked into the apartment.

"Hunter?" Turner worried, "You okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I argued running into my room. I dropped on my bed trying to steady my breath.

"Hunter, what's wrong?" Turner sat down next to me.

"I don't want to talk about it"

Turner put his hand on shoulder, "Is it about school?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Is about you parents?"

I huffed.

"Is it about girls?"

I swallowed.

"Okay girls…did something happen with Dana?"

My breathing increased.

"Hunter, please tell me." He took a breath, "Okay there is something I've wanting to talk to you about. I haven't asked you this about because I know it's hard for guys to talk about sexuality."

I didn't like where this was going. I rolled over to my back, "What?"

"Hunter, are you…do you feel like…" Then he spit it out, "Are you gay?"

My heart just tightened. My lungs just popped. My brain just fuzzed.

I never heard that term being used before. Growing up I heard every other slur. Faggot. Girly boy. Pussy. Cocksucker. But never the word gay.

"Shawn, I know that it maybe hard to talk about, but…"

"Shut the fuck up" I snapped. I got up and ran to the door.

Turner got there first and blocked me. "Hunter, lets at least talk a little. Please there's nothing wrong being gay…it's that in your writing…the way you act with Matthews…and it just feels like your hiding this big part of you."

I swallowed, "I had sex with Dana tonight."

He sat down on the leg of chair, "Oh…um…wait were you safe?"

I nodded, "Yea" I sat down on the couch. "John"

"Yes"

"What dose…um that word you used…um..."

"Gay?"

I nodded, "Yea, what does being gay really mean?"

"Well despite all the shit people say about, being a homosexual just means that you feel sexuality attracted to the same gender… Hunter, do you feel like your sexuality attracted to boys?"

I sat there with my head down. Part of me wanted to released myself and tell him about my dreams, what happened tonight, and how I picture boys while I'm kissing girls. Then I thought what am I thinking? Why would I say that? Why do I hate myself so much?

"No I don't" I finally stated. I put on my make-up, "I just screwed Dana Pruitt. I got one of the nicest girls in school in bed. What homo can do that?"

I got up and starting walking to my room.

"Does that make you happy Hunter? Are you proud of that?" He yelled.

"Fuck yea" I bit back.

"By the way Hunter, your poem won"

I heard him clearly. But I chose to ignore him. I couldn't have won. I couldn't give myself that credit.

Too I was too disgusted with myself.

Note:

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