Yes, I am back. Again. And I think I may have a tragic announcement.

I have received many clichés over the months. Many have been published for you, by me. However, many are just not up to par! The good clichés are getting fewer and farther between. Other clichés… just seem like clichés!

And for the record, I can no longer type clichés. I do three sports – fall winter spring, do WELL on my sports, get straight A's, do community service, play the piano, write for the school paper, go on vacations, do homework, spend time with my family and my friends. With that schedule, I have no time!

And so it is with great sadness that I must proclaim a deadline limit. From the day of this post – February 10, 2008 – you all have exactly 1 month (till March 10) to submit enough clichés to compile a chapter. Or else…

We are stopping the Attack of the Clichés.

So keep that in mind as you read these hardworking author's clichés. Thanks.

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Amnesiac Bella

Authored by AuthorAngel

Bella: La di da...OOH! Eddie-poo, let's go for a car drive.
Edward: Ok. Life sucks.
Bella: I love you too.

---

Edward: Hey Bella?
Bella: Yeah Edward?
Edward: I'm gonna get us into a terrible car crash that'll hurt us in different ways...
Bella: Ok. I love you. And by the way, after you almost kill me, can we go for smoothies?
Edward: Sure. -watch beeps- Ok, time to get you almost killed.
Bella: YAY!
Edward: HOLYSHITAFREAKINGDEER! -swerves car into a canyon sending Bella flying out only to hit her head on a tree-
Edward: OH NO! I HAVE SOMEONE HURT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! -sobsobsobsobs. Gets over it and runs her to Carlisle-

---

Carlisle: Aw ----, we're gonna have to do surgery!
Bella: Excuse me, still awake here!
Edward: BELLA! -flings self onto her- OMC I was so worried! –sobsobsobsobs-
Bella: HOLY S--- WHO THE F--- ARE YOU?
Edward: I'm the love of you're life, you want to have sex with me, I'm a vampire, and you will be one soon I'm just so happy you're back!
Bella: SEXY PSYCHO! –runslikehell- HELPHELPHELPHELP!
Carlisle: Nice going.
Edward: Life sucks.

Edward continues to stalk Bella until one day...

Bella: OMC EDWARD! -jumps- I MISSED YOU!
Edward: Uh, Bella?
Bella: Mmhmm? -making out with Edward-
Edward: You are eighty and making out with me. It's kind of creepy.
Bella: Don't I still smell good?
Edward: Not really...more like Vicks vapor rub...and prune juice.
Bella: -sighs- I'm gonna go get Alice and we'll go find the fountain of youth -cough cough- As soon as bridge night is over.

End

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Fanfiction Authors Unmasked

Authored by SMARTALIENQT

--Edward sleeps (even though there is no way he can sleep)--
Edward: Snore, snore, Bella, snore, puppies, snore, Bella and puppies, help!, snore.
Author of Fanfiction: --types on computer-- Mwahahaha
--Edward wakes up from sleep that couldn't possibly happen--
Edward: OMC! Some weirdo is typing things! Help!
AFF: Edward, dance! --types--
Edward: I feel like dancing! Yay! --dances-- Wait a second, I don't like dancing! Must... stop... dancing... --tries to stop dancing-- Why can't I stop?
AFF: Because I, evil AFF, have commanded it to be so! For I am AFF, hear me roar! Mwahahaha!
Edward: OMC! I feel overcome to serve this stranger who is randomly typing! I will obey!
AFF: --laughs evilly-- This is fun. I will go now for absolutely no reason! Hooray! But first...
--Edward wakes up from a dream, even though he cannot dream because he cannot sleep--
Edward: OMC, what a strange dream that was, even though I can't dream because I can't dream. Wait, what dream? I can't remember anything about this dream that I couldn't have had...
Everybody: Hooray!
Edward: Why are you saying hooray? You weren't even in this story.
Everybody: But everything has to end with us saying hooray. Hooray!

End

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The Gang Finds Fanfiction

Authored by SMARTALIENQT (you did two, good for you! –gives cookie-)

Bella: Lalalalala, I'm gonna go on the computer now for no apparent reason! --skips to computer, randomly surfs--
Edward: What are you doing, Bella?
Bella: I am just randomly surfing, Ed-OMC!
Edward: OMC! What is it?
Bella: It is something called… "fanfiction"
Everybody: OOHH!! AAHH!!
Edward: OMC! Look at this!
Bella: Ew! It's a story... about me... and Jake...
Jake: --magically appears from nowhere, even though he would instantly turn werewolfy if he got within ten yards of the Cullens-- Goody! Bella, this is proof we should be together!
Bella: I feel strangely compelled to fall in love with you, even though I have the whole getting-older phobia and am already in love with Edward. But what the hay? Oo, Jakie-poo!
--They make out--
Edward: I feel emo. I am so emo that I question everything. So I question: How does this know about us?
Bella: I don't know! --goes back to making out--
Alice: --Appears from nowhere-- I know! I will write a "review" telling this that she is making Bella go out with Jake, which is completely out of canon and character!
Edward: Send it, send it!
--One week later--
Alice: Hey guys! I sent something to that!
Everybody: --get amnesia-- Who?
Alice: I don't know! I have amnesia now! What was the name of that thing we went on? Foof... fluff... fan... something?
Bella: I don't know! I'm magically back with Edward now!
Everybody: Hooray!

End

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The Morning After (the change, that is)

Authored by lanna-misssunshine

Bella: WOOHOO! I'm a vampire…time to look in the mirror and see how beautiful I have become!!

-Bella runs over to mirror and stares-

Bella: -gasp- Wow, is that me… with that beautiful hair cascading down my back that seems to miraculously grown like five inches in only three days?

-Alice walks into room-

Alice: OMC! Bella! You like, totally got 3 inches taller… I could've sworn you were only 5ft4 before, which is strange considering vampires don't get any taller when they transform, seeing as if they did I wouldn't be a midget…

Bella: I know its amazing isn't it! And I'm like so beautiful! I could even put Rosalie to shame!

-Edward walks into room-

Edward: -stares- Bella you look like, so hot! Oh and did you realize that your eyes are topaz already even though it takes an entire year for them to change from red to topaz?

Alice: Oh! He's right! That's amazing!

-Everyone else walks into room-

Rosalie: Eugh! You're like, so prettier than me now... I hate you! Well, even more than I did before! -glares at Bella- Hmph!

Emmett: Wow Bella… did you notice that your boobs have gotten bigger? And you have such perfect curves now? -drools-

Edward: Stop thinking that about MY Bella! -growls at Emmett-

Rosalie: Emmett! You're not allowed to find anyone prettier than me! I'm the fairest of them all! The person in my mirror said so! -sulks-

Jasper: The person in your mirror is you...

Rosalie: Yeah, well... I'm hot!

Carlisle: This is amazing, normally when a person becomes a vampire, their flaws are simply perfected and their natural beauty enhanced… this is a miracle!

Personal Publisher's Audience: God, Bella is not like that! JEEZ PEOPLE!

End

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When Fangirls Invade…

Authored by Auburn Envy

Fan girl: OMC, I can't believe me and my family moved to Forks! -Squeal- Now I'm gonna go look for some supa hot vampire boy -skips away-
Edward: What is that delicious smell? -licks lips- I must go find it! -runs off and finds fan girl-
Fan girl: Like, oh my gawd, its the supa hot Edward Cullen!
Edward: What? I'm confuzzled, how do you know I'm Edward Cullen?
-Jasper randomly appears-
Jasper: Oh well, a few years ago I wrote about your relationship with Bella because somehow I magically read her mind. Then I betrayed the whole family by publishing it and I paid some Mormon lady to pretend to be the author.
Edward: -Gasp!- Even though I should shred you to pieces or tell Alice so she can show you how it feels to be sexually repressed for one hundred years I'm totally okay with it because now I don't have to tell this hot sexy girl all my dirty secrets.
Fan Girl: -Le gasp!- You think I'm hot and sexy?!
Edward: Yes fan girl who I don't even know her name, I totally love you! Will you be my wife even though I love Bella and would never do anything to hurt her?
Fan girl: Yes of course you hot juicy piece of vampire meat!
-makes out-
Alice: Even though I always look out for my family I didn't see this coming and because I'm to enthralled with my shopping addiction I don't really care!
Bella: And even though my love just left me for some random girl I'm totally fine with it!
Alice: Wanna have a threesome with Jasper and me?
Bella: Totally!
Everyone: Yay!

End

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Vampwolf

Authored by yayme2012

Edward: OMC! Bella!
Bella: OMC! What?
Edward: OMC! Bella!
Bella: OMC! What?
Edward: OMC! Bella!
Bella: OMC! What?
Edward: I'm going to change you!
Bella: Umkay.
--Edward bites her--
Bella: Ow! My fact that I was alive a second ago!
--3 days later--
Edward: Now you're a beautiful vampire…
Bella: That hurt!
Edward: Told ya so.
Bella: It hurt more than the usual change!
Edward: How would you know?
Bella: Good point.
Carlisle: Bella… you must be... a vampwolf!
All: ...?
Carlisle: For some odd, obscure reason, your vampire power is to change into a wolf!
Bella: But… that doesn't even make any sense.
Carlisle: Blame the writer's strike.
--Carlisle suddenly disappears--
Esme: That was weird.
Edward: Anyhoo, let's continue with our boring lives.
--doot do doo, insert cheesy vampire lemon here, doot do doo--
Jacob: 'Tis I! The ugly werewolf!
Edward: Gah! 'Tis him! Bella! I'm suddenly paralyzed! Do something!
Bella: Wolf power… activate!
--nothing happens--
Bella: Wolf power… activate!
--still, nothing happens--
Bella: F-cking wolf power! Just go already, dammit!
--Bella explodes, then shrinks--
Edward: ...?
Jacob: ...?
All: ...?
Carlisle: It appears poor Bella has turned into a potato.
Esme: Oh dear. Hey, you're back!
--Carlisle suddenly disappears again--
Potato Bella: Help me! Help me!
Jacob: Do you hear anything?
Edward: Nope.
Jacob: So... Bella's dead?
Edward: Yep, pretty much.
Potato Bella: Edward, the fire of our love… if you kiss me, I will live again!
Jacob: I could swear I heard something.
Edward: I don't.
--later, at Emily's--
Sam: M, these mashed potatoes are really good! What'd you put in them?
Emily: I dunno, Jacob brought the potatoes…
Embry: M, tastes like vampire!

End

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When Edward Met Bella… at 5

Authored by brown haired topaz eyed girl

Edward: I'm gonna go walk through a kiddy park and stare for no reason. Yay!

Bella: Lalala Even though I'm a smart kid who has been taught to stay away from strangers I'm gonna leave my mom here and go talk to the dude over there by the tree staring at me.

Edward: Look a cute little girl is coming up to me.

Bella: Hiya I'm Bella and I'm 5!

Edward: Hello Bella I'm Edward. Want to be friends? Oh look at the lady over there looking for her kid. She looks like Bella Huh.

Bella: Yep I sure do! My mommy's looking for my cya Eddie! I'll hug him I think.

Edward: Huh she is so cute I don't think I can leave her...Oh I know! I'll practically stalk her until she's in High school then I'll talk to her Woot!

-Let's do the time warp again!-

Edward: I've watched her grow up and I've loved her since I met her! Look there she is and she looks Hawt!

Bella: Ohh he's hot I'll marry him!

All: Happily creepy ever after! Woot!

End

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Player Edward (short but funny)

Authored by RodentOfUnusualSize

Edward: Even though in the book I clearly state that I've never been with anyone but Bella, I've decided to become a player! And human!

Bella: I'm some random girl who is kind of on the side. Edward would never notice me!

Edward totally notices Bella.

After a series of plot twists everyone has seen in at least 10 gazillion chick flicks, Edward wins over Bella and Bella cures him of his player ways.

Edward and Bella: Hooray! -they make out-

End

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Bewitched

Authored by RosalieHale123

Bella: Like, OMG! I'm a witch, and I'm just randomly going to Forks for no reason whatsoever, because I decided that I hate my mother, who is also a witch!

Charlie: I totally don't know about you or your mother being witches, and I have decided to surreptitiously ignore any of the really obvious signs!

Bella: Hey, Charlie, I mean Dad!

Charlie: Hey, Bella! I love you so much that I decided to randomly buy you a car.

Bella: I LOVE it! Even though, as a witch, I have various more efficient ways to travel!

-goes to school in truck-

Edward: Like, there's something strange about that new girl. She can make things levitate, and I can't smell her blood!

-Both go to Biology-

Bella: I'm totally going to freeze time!

-Freezes time, except for Edward-

Edward: You're a witch!

Bella: You're a vampire!

Edward: Even though I have known you for all of one day, I have decided that I love you, and I'm happy that I don't have to change you, because you're immortal too!

-Edward and Bella make out in the middle of the frozen biology classroom, and skip out the door, forgetting about all the frozen people-

All: Yay! Edward found his soul mate after one day of knowing her!

End

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Karaoke Night

Authored by Mourning Verona's Dead

Bella: Like omigod it's Alice who must've had a vision since I almost never see her!

Alice: Hiya Bella! I just saw something!

Bella: Wow, what could it be?!

Alice: Lets all sing karaoke!

-skips to Cullen's house!-

Alice: Even though we've never sung before, we're gonna have karaoke!

Everyone: YAY! What a perfectly normal thing to do!

-everyone sings stereotypic songs-

-Bella sings...-

Edward: OMC you can sing Bella? And you too Alice, Esme, Rosalie, Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett!

Everyone: Of course, even though no one has ever heard us before!

All: WOO! LET'S KEEP SINGING!

End

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Abusive Renee (similar to Abusive Charlie)

Authored by AuthorAngel (wow, two in one issue!)

Bella: La, di, da, di, da...I'm on my way to school to see my totally hot and sexy boyfriend Mike!
Charlie: BELLA! You forgot your lunch- (gets run over by a car/attacked by a wolf/hit by a meteor)
Bella: OMC! DADDY! NO! Damn now I have to go to Phoenix!

-Bella moves to Phoenix-
Renee: BELLA! So good to see you! OMC, we are going to be bestest friendies!

-five seconds later-
Renee: DIE B----! -smacks Bella across the kitchen-
Bella: OMC THAT LIKE, HURT! Wow even though I'm legally an adult I'm going to keep living with this sadistic b---- even though she'll probably end up killing me! -le sob-

-At school-
Edward: Hey, why do you have a huge cut on your face?
Bella: I tripped.
Edward: Oh that makes sense. And I will give barely any thought to as why you keep coming to school every day looking like a horror movie threw up on you! But all the while, I will be falling in love with you
Alice: But I know what really happens because we are magically bff's! -gasp. No way, we didn't see this coming- RENEE ABUSES HER!
Edward: Like no way.

-the next day-
Renee: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! -hits Bella repeatedly with a bag of chips-
Phil: Hey honey, where's the remote?
Bella: NOO! WHO WILL SAVE ME? -Edward crashes through door-
Edward: Bella, I'm here to save you.
Bella: Took you long enough -Edward throws Renee into the stove where gasoline has conveniently place. Renee explodes-
Bella: YAY! NOW I AM FREE TO GO MARRY EDWARD!
Edward: HOORAY! MAKE OUT TIME! -insert smutty sex scene-

-one week later-
Phil: Renee?

End

Mk, I bet after all these you though I was just being whiny about the lack of clichés. But did you notice two are by the same author? In fact, SMARTALIENQT and AuthorAngel both submitted two! And they have been published before! yayme2012 has also submitted before, as well as RodentOfUnusualSize. Kudos to you guys.

However, there are 4 new authors, as opposed to the 10 clichés in this (I think it's ten). And consider the fact that this story has 493 reviews, 26359 hits, 105 favs, and 133 alerts. We've had, out of those, 17 authors, more or less, submit. Come on, people! That's less than 13 percent! (thank you, calculators).

All I'm asking is for some work from the people who ALWAYS and ONLY go 'omg, I love this, good job, keep it up, HAHAHA, etc.'

Flames will be used to burn Jake at the stake. He belongs impaled on the stake.

-E and M