A/N: Due to quite a few messages I've received recently I feel I should clear something up. I know my updates have slowed dramatically, but I am not abandoning this story, Pride & Ego or The Curse, I promise. I manage a kennel and have been working 70-80 hour weeks these past couple months, plus I'm a single mother who does freelance art and writing on the side. This means free time for fanfiction has been practically nonexistent as of late, and I apologize for that profusely. Just bear with me a little longer, plesae! Now without further ado, I hope y'all enjoy this chapter! Please read and review!
James paced the floor of his father's house wavering between so many different emotions it made his head spin, but the biggest one was regret. He knew he'd overreacted. He knew Kendall hadn't meant his words the way James took them. Didn't mean they hurt any less, though.
If he was being honest with himself, James knew he was in the wrong here, not Kendall. Because like it or not, James knew Kendall was right. He'd had a valid point and he had every right to doubt James' actions. James had been trying to forget, he had been using Kendall, whether he'd meant to or not.
James knew that with everything going on in his life he needed Kendall by his side more than ever. But, like always, he'd fucked it up by getting angry when really he was hurt, by allowing his emotions to get the best of him and saying things he hadn't even meant.
Then there was the aspect Kendall hadn't even realized, or at least hadn't brought up to James. James was nowhere near ready to take a step as big as sleeping with his best friend. He'd just begun to admit to himself that he liked Kendall as more than a friend, he was barely comfortable with the thought of actually being bisexual. There was no way he was prepared for the complications of adding sex into whatever it was he and Kendall were doing right now. Not to mention the thought of being intimate with another man still turned his stomach and brought back bitter memories of a time he had tried so hard and for so long to forget completely. If he'd actually gone through with it, if he'd actually had sex with Kendall, James was pretty sure he would have freaked out halfway through and made things ten times worse for both himself and Kendall. Not that he would ever admit that.
"Fuck," James muttered under his breath, continuing to pace, feeling boxed in. He could practically feel the walls of the house that hadn't been a home in a long, long time closing in on him. He couldn't breathe, he needed to get out of here. And when Kendall's house wasn't an option, there was only one place in this Minnesota town that James could seek out refuge in.
"Where's James?" Carlos asked kendall when he walked into his mom's house.
"We had a fight," Kendall admitted. "James went…wherever it is that James goes when he's mad."
"So go after him," Carlos suggested none too lightly.
"I'm the last person he wants to be around right now," Kendall protested weakly.
"I highly doubt that," Kendall's mom joined the conversation, coming into the living room from the adjacent kitchen.
"Mom," Kendall's face broke into a grin. "Hi," he added, walking over and giving her a tight hug.
"Hi, sweetie," she responded, returning the hug. "Now what makes you think James doesn't want you around?" He always wants you around," she reminded him with a gentle smile.
"I, uh, may have said something stupid. Something that hurt him."
"Then all the more reason to seek him out and make it right, hm?" She suggested with a raise of her eyebrows.
"He said he never wants to see me again," Kendall mumbled, ashamed. "And I can't blame him. I was out of line."
"I wasn't there so I don't know if that's true or not, but I doubt it was unforgivable. So find your friend and set things right," his mom replied in the easy tone Kendall was used to, one that was gentle and understanding, but at the same time left no room for argument.
"I don't even know where he is."
Logan joined the conversation, piping up from his spot on the couch next to Carlos where he'd been silently observing. "Oh please," he snorted. "Yes you do. In high school whenever James was pissed off or upset there were only two places he wanted to be. Your house or the gym. And since it's you he's mad at than that really only leaves one option," Logan pointed out.
"The gym," Kendall agreed, nodding. "But I-"
"But you nothing," Logan cut him off. "Whatever happened, whatever you said, James is hurting. And if hes' hurting than there's only one person he really wants around. You. So go find him and make it right. Insterad of standing here complaining and making excuses. James isn't one to hold grudges against friends," Logan reminded him in a softer tone. "So go. He needs you. He always has your both just too damn stubborn for your own good."
Kendall shot a look towards his mom, then back at Logan, gesturing with his head towards his mom who hadn't yet filled in on the situation.
His mom saw this and just laughed in response. "Oh, please. Kendall I may not know the full story but I have known since you were boys were three that you'd end up together. So listen to Logan and just go. You can fill me in on the rest when you get back. With James."
Kendall blinked, studying his mom for a minute before his face gave way to a small smile. He stepped forward, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly again. "Thanks," he told her quietly.
"Go," she responded, smiling her own smile and gently pushing her son towards the front door.
Shaking out his sore hand from where he'd punched the wall earlier, James gave the punching bag in front of him one final slam before turning and walking away from it, heading towards the locker room while he yanked off his gloves and unwrapped the tape from his hands. He'd been at the small gym for a couple hours now and it just wasn't working the way it used to. He used to feel better after a session at the gym, getting all his frustrations out, music turned up loud enough in his earbuds that it drowned the rest of the world out so that he could figure out the answers to all of his problems. But now all it served to do was remind him of why he'd started hitting the gym so hard in the first place. If anything the familiar setting from his past was only making him feel worse now.
James racked his brain trying to figure out what would make him feel better, what would make him forget everything that had happened tonight, and the past few weeks and the past decade. He only came up with one answer, though.
He stood in front of his locker, fiddling with the shiny object he'd pulled from his gym bag and finally deciding "fuck it". Pulling a flask from the side pouch he took a few long swallows, then a couple more, relishing the burn of the whiskey as it slid down his throat. Stripping down to his boxer briefs he grabbed his towel and headed to the showers, carefully hanging up his towel and stepping under the flow of water still in his underwear.
It was a twenty-four hour gym, but at this time of night there was no one in the building. The only person he'd seen since he'd entered the gym two hours ago was the college frat guy who had been behind the desk when he'd first arrived. He hadn't seen anyone else in the locker room either time when he'd changed nor had he seen a single soul on any of the other equipment. That didn't stop him from casting a wary glance around the still empty community showers as he began to finger the blade he'd snagged from his bag a minute ago. James knew it would make him feel better, give him the instant release he was craving. But he also knew it wouldn't help in the long run, and besides that if his friends, especially Kendall, found out, they'd be disappointed in him. Or mad at him. Or most likely a combination of the two.
But at the same time, James didn't see the harm in it. He wasn't hurting anyone but himself, he wasn't resorting to anything illegal, so maybe his friends should be happy with that and shut the fuck up. What was so bad about cutting himself or burning himself, anyways? It was harmless for the most part. Why didn't they just accept that that was how he dealt with his pain and his emotions? Why couldn't they accept that that was what he needed to keep himself sane and to keep the poisonous thoughts and memories at bay? It wasn't like he wanted to hurt Kendall and Logan and Carlos, it was just that he needed it so desperately right then that he shoved any and all thoughts of them out of his mind. He'd cut where they wouldn't see so they wouldn't even know. And what you didn't know couldn't hurt you, right? Anyways, they may have the best of intentions, they may think they were trying to help him, but they didn't understand. They didn't get it. And they never would.
Making up his mind, and sick of fighting with himself and having silent, pointless arguments in his mind when he knew what his decision was going to be anyway James finally gave in to the need and lowered his hand, bringing the sharp edge to his hip and pressing it in until he felt the familiar sting. Hissing in a breath, he angled the razor so the edge slid into his flesh even farther and then James drug it in a slow and deliberate line across the span of his skin, watching the beads of blood appear in its wake as he did so. Pulling the blade away he stared transfixed as the beads gathered together until they became a thick, straight red line across his abdomen, pooling together before beginning to pour out of the gash and trek down his body, picking up speed as more and more blood seeped out from the deep cut.
James sighed out a slow breath he hadn't been aware he was holding, finally feeling what he'd been searching as relief took over in his mind and haze of confusion lifted, leaving him thankfully numb and slightly more clear-headed. At the same time, his body began to relax, the tension easing from his shoulders and he repeated the motion a few swift times, not stopping until he felt someone's hands on his elbows, sliding forward down his arms.
James stilled, body trembling slightly as a set of hands travelled down his arms and over his own set of hands and encompassing them gently. The right hand plucked the blade from his fingertips and James froze, his body rigid as he felt a forehead drop forward and press into the nape of his neck.
"James," Kendall spoke into his skin in a muffled voice. "Don't, please," He begged.
James choked on the emotion welling up in his throat, his knees buckling below him and threatening to give out but the arms that encircled him tightened their grip, holding the brunet up.
"I'm sorry," James responded quietly, sinking to floor despite the tight grip Kendall had on him.
Kendall moved with him, following James to the ground, sitting on the hard tile and never releasing his hold on the other. "For what?" He asked, voice just as soft.
"Everything," James whispered after a silent minute.
Kendall just shook his head against James' back, hushing him, never relinquishing his embrace. James turned into the blond, allowing himself to be comforted for the moment as the hot water continued to rain down on the pair, Kendall unconcerned with the fact that he was fully dressed.
James and Kendall sat on the floor of the shower, James grasping onto to Kendall for all he was worth, head buried in his chest and Kendall embracing him, murmuring in his ear and rubbing his back. James was eerily silent, though, saying nothing back the whole time and refusing to allow the tears that stung his eyes to fall and not letting the sobs in his throat rise to the surface as they threatened to do. Kendall didn't know how long they stayed there before James eased out of Kendall's hold, rising to his feet and leaving the showers without a sound or even a glance in Kendall's direction. Kendall watched him walk away for a second before he also rose; dropping the razor blade he'd taken from James earlier onto the drain with a loud clang of metal against metal that rang out in the deserted locker room.
Kendall's shoes made an annoying squish-squish sound as he followed James towards the brunet's locker, reminding him that they were filled with water and soaked, just like the rest of them. For the first time since he'd entered the showers to see James Kendall became aware of the fact that it was actually pretty damn uncomfortable to wear clothes that were absolutely drenched in water.
James was standing in front of an open locker when Kendall reached him and the older male silently held out a dry pair of sweatpants and a fresh t-shirt to the blonde, which Kendall took gratefully, glancing around for somewhere to change. Now didn't exactly seem like the right moment for him and James to see each other stark naked for the first time.
James apparently either didn't agree or more likely just wasn't even thinking of something as trivial as modesty at that moment, because before Kendall could sneak over to the next aisle to change into the dry clothes James had given him the brunet was stripping off his boxer briefs and suddenly he was standing less than six inches away from Kendall in all his glory.
Kendall knew he should advert his eyes as James rummaged through his gym bag for another set of dry clothes, but he just couldn't seem to talk himself into it as he unabashedly stared at the bare form before him, admiring every muscle and inch of skin that was exposed and berating himself when he felt his lower regions begin to stir in his pants at the stimulating sight of James naked and dripping wet. Now was definitely not the time for Kendall to be admiring James and thinking the thoughts that he couldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried, from running through his head.
Kendall closed his eyes and turned away from the erotic sight, trying in vain to forget about it since he knew the image of James completely naked with water dripping down his neck and abs was now permanently etched in his mind and was most likely stored away into his internal spank bank for later use. Subtly adjusting himself, Kendall forced himself to turn away and took a cue from James, and quickly stripped off his soaking wet clothes, using the towel James had set aside for him and drying off and then hurriedly yanking up the sweats and pulling the shirt over his head.
Turning back around, Kendall found James was gratefully also finished and stood near him practically a mirror image of Kendall himself, sweat pants, t-shirt, bare feet and a towel slung over his shoulder to catch the water that still trickled down his neck and face from his hair that he haphazardly towel dried.
The silence hung thick in the air, making both men uncomfortable and Kendall finally gave in and broke it. "So I saw you wailing on the punching bag earlier. Was that your dad or your uncle?"
James shrugged. "I dunno. Combination I suppose."
Kendall nodded. "Can we talk?'
"We're doing it now."
"You know what I mean."
With an over exaggerated sigh James yanked the towel from his shoulders, throwing it back in his locker and then lowered himself onto the bench behind him. "What?" He gritted out between clenched teeth.
Even with the venomous tone in his voice Kendall could tell James wasn't mad anymore. At least not at him. That knowledge gave him the courage to continue. "What I said…It came out wrong. You know that's not what I think of you," Kendall told James, joining him on the bench but wisely leaving a few feet between them.
James gave another shrug and picked up his water bottle from the floor, playing with the cap and stalling and then opening it up and taking a drink, wishing it was the whiskey that was still tucked away in his bag. "it was the truth," he finally answered the blond.
"No," Kendall began only to be silenced by James holding up a hand.
"Yes. It was. You had every right to doubt my reasoning. I was trying to use you so that I could feel something other than pain and anger for once. And that wasn't fair to you. But let's face it, if we're being honest here, that's who I am, that's what I am, that's what I do," he gave a dark laugh. "I fuck people to feel better and then I walk away. I can't be mad at you for not wanting to be just another number in my book. It's time I admitted to myself that I'm exactly what my dad and my uncle said I am. A worthless, good for nothing slut."
Kendall turned his head, chewing at his lip, hating to hear James refer to himself as basically worthless since he knew it wasn't true and concerned with the complete lack of emotion in James' words since he knew that meant he had accepted it as the truth whether it was or not. Turning his head back he locked eyes with James before replying. "Your dad and your uncle were full of shit and they didn't even know you, so they had absolutely no right to judge your worth and who you are. Because trust me, you're worth everything to me and to a lot of other people as well, James. And I don't believe that you ever would have thought of me as a just another conquest or distraction."
"And what makes you so sure of that?"
"Because I know for a fact I'm in love with you and whether you are willing to admit it or not I'm pretty godamn sure you're in love with me too," Kendall answered bluntly, hoping he sounded braver than he felt as his heart hammered in his chest, afraid of James response, afraid of being rejected by the brunet again.
James looked away, breaking the eye contact. "I don't know how to love." He spoke barely above a whisper but Kendall could still hear a trace of sadness in his voice.
"Yes you do. You just forget for a little bit."
"Kendall," James replied in a strained voice, once again choking back the emotion that was threatening to overwhelm him. "I'm not worth it. I'm used up, I'm damaged goods. Just cut your losses and walk away with your heart intact while you still can."
"My heart's only intact when you're by my side, J. Don't you see that? You're not damaged. Just a little broken. But you can be fixed, you just have to let me in. I can fix you, I can help you fix yourself. So please, let me fix you. Let me in. Let me love you."
"You don't want to love me," James protested weakly in a overwrought whisper, still looking in the opposite direction.
Kendall gave a small laugh, reaching out and turning James' face towards his own. "Even if I didn't, and I do," he took care to emphasize that part of his sentence before continuing. "It wouldn't matter. We don't choose who we fall in love with James. We can only choose what to do about it once it happens. And I plan on doing everything I can about it. I plan on fighting for that love, fighting for you. I plan to never let you go and be around as long as you'll have me. I was blind to your pain before, but my eyes are wide open now. You are one of the strongest, most amazing people I know, J. I want to give you, give us a shot. I just need you to be honest with yourself and with me and I need you to, to give us that same chance.
"If you can look me in the eye right now and honestly tell me that you aren't in love with me or that you don't see yourself ever falling in love with me, then fine. I'll walk away right now, no arguments, no grudges, no bad feelings between us, and I'll still be there for you just as much as I am now. But if you can't do that, than tell me. Tell me you love me. Tell me you know it may be a long, rocky road to recovery but that you want me by your side every step of the way. Because I want to be by your side every step of the way. Tell me you love me as much as I love you, tell me you need me as much as I need you."
"I do need you," James whispered after a few agonizing moments in which Kendall wondered if he;d just made a huge mistake.
James closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Kendall's, squeezing his eyelids tight and trying his best to fight off the breakdown that was bubbling just below the surface, lurking around and waiting to explode. "I need you so much it terrifies me," he continued. "I love you so much that there is now way in hell I can ask you to be by my side at this point in my life."
"That's fine. Because you're not asking. I'm offering. I'm scared of us, too James. I'm scared of how much you mean to me. But I'm way more scared of not having you in my life.