A/N: Sorry for the wait!
"You weren't serious, were you?"
After a half hour subway ride, Brittany and I are finally out of the crowd and walking down a relatively empty street. There are a few kids at the park on the edge of the school property but, other than them, it seems like most people have decided to head into the city on their Saturday night.
"About what?" Brittany asks.
Our intertwined hands swing back and fourth between our bodies with every step, her mitten clad hand keeping my own much warmer. It's such a beautiful night that I didn't think gloves would be required. I'm lucky Brittany thinks of everything.
"About being jealous of Amanda," I elaborate. When we were talking last week and the idea was first brought up, I saw the pain written all over Brittany's face. A part of her believed that I would leave her for Amanda, that it would be for the better if I were to be with Amanda over her. It hurt to hear but I did my best to assure her that was not the case and I thought it worked. When she brought it up again today though, it sent my head spinning once again. "I know when you mentioned it earlier you said it as a joke but you can tell me the truth. Do you really feel that way?"
"Of course not."
Her answer is quick, almost too quick as though she's trying to throw me off from any physical reaction she may be having. It's extremely discouraging to have her not fully trust me after all of this time.
"It's not like that with us," I swear.
She nods in acknowledgement but doesn't say anything and we both stay that way for the next block or two. It's as though I've been thrown back into last few weeks and it's unbearable. This relationship oscillates without even the slightest hint of a warning and I cannot figure out how to stop it or even slow it down.
"Amanda's into me though."
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, hanging heavy in the air, my teeth sink into my bottom lip. Brittany deserves to know, especially now that she's going to meet the girl, but judging by the look on her face in this moment I can't justify that it was the best decision. She looks pretty mad which, in Brittany terms, is the equivalent of furious.
"W-what?" Brittany stutters, the disbelief evident in her voice. "But you said-"
"I said you don't have anything to worry about," I smile. Bringing our hands to my mouth, I press a kiss against the wool of her mitten. "And you don't. I've told her that I'm with you and she respects that. Anyone would be an absolute idiot to screw everything up with you over someone like Amanda. I care for the girl but the way I feel about you doesn't even come close to the friendly feelings I have for her."
She still looks slightly reluctant to believe me which should be surprising considering the last 24 hours or so, but it's really not. In reality, it only reassures my worry that she's holding back on me.
"We promised no more lying to each other, right?" I remind her, "and if I'm being honest, Amanda is at least in part reason why I went to talk to you that day. Quinn and Rachel were great and they helped me work out some of my feelings but Amanda was the one who forced me to get my shit together. She's supportive of this relationship and would never do anything to jeopardize it."
Sucking in a breath of air, Brittany's head nods in agreement. I'm not entirely convinced we're okay or that she even believes me but the sight of the restaurant comes into view so this conversation will have to wait until another time.
…
"Took you long enough," Amanda calls once she catches sight of me. The sarcasm is dripping from her tone but I still look around to see if anyone else is paying attention to us. Thankfully, the place is relatively empty and the other patrons seem to be caught up in their own worlds. "Two more minutes and you were getting a phone call from a very pissed off me. When you look like I do, getting stood up is not something you are used to."
"Yeah, yeah," I respond with a laugh as Brittany and I make our way over to the booth Amanda is already sitting in.
Just as I'm about to slide into the empty side of the booth, I feel Brittany's hand squeeze mine and I look up at her in concern. At first, I can't get a good read on her face but then I notice her eyes are narrowing in on Amanda on the other side of the table.
Oh, right. Introductions.
Standing back up straight, I unlace my fingers from Brittany's and slide an arm around her back. "This is my girlfriend Brittany," I introduce, smiling proudly as I watch Amanda's face light up as she really takes in Brittany for the first time. Her eyes scan up and down Brittany's body, lingering long enough to make me feel embarrassed for Brittany, before she finally speaks up.
"Damn, you are hot," Amanda gasps. Brittany's body tenses against mine and her face reddens so I send Amanda a stern look. "You weren't kidding, Lopez. Who knew you actually had it in you."
"And that's Amanda, obviously," I mumble. After the conversation Brittany and I just had, that is definitely not the best greeting she could have chosen.
"Um, thanks," Brittany replies, sounding less than confident in her words.
Without another word, we both slide into the booth and let the tension fill the air.
…
For the first five minutes or so, all parties manage to remain civil. Amanda asks Brittany questions about herself and Brittany answers, coming up with a question of her own to ask. For those five minutes, I enjoy myself, listening to their conversations and picture more dinners like this. Friday nights where the three of us go out to eat together before heading to a movie or a show, Sunday brunches on weekends not dedicated to studying. For those five minutes, everything is perfect.
And then Amanda goes and opens her mouth.
"I'm glad you girls made up," Amanda smiles, peering over her menu to look my way. "Santana was a complete mess the last time I saw her."
As soon as she says that, my knee jumps under the table and begins bouncing uncontrollably. A panic falls over my body and I'm certain things are going to go to shit already. But then Brittany's hand finds my knee and gives it a gentle squeeze, letting me know she can handle Amanda.
"Me too," Brittany agrees. She makes a point to look at me as she says it and my face instantly lights up. "We're doing a lot better now."
Though she seems slightly put off my that response, Amanda just nods and continues on like nothing happened. In a way, I'm glad, but I still need to keep an eye on her. "What have you guys been up to all day?"
I lay my menu down in front of me and fold my hands on top of it. "We just stuck around the apartment, had a lazy day."
Amanda's eyes roll at my admittedly lame answer but I'm not going to modify my day just to please her ears. I'm certain if I asked her what her day consisted of, it would be much of the same content.
"Santana's butt has been glued to the bench in front of her piano all day," Brittany explains. A blush covers my face at the hint of pride in her voice and I let out a nervous chuckle. There was a reason I never told the kids in glee I could play. It was something I kept between myself and those closest to me.
The mention of my musical background seems to pique Amanda's interests and she sits up straight in her chair. "I didn't know you played."
"She's awesome," Brittany says simply, "we used to sing in Glee club together in high school but she's been playing piano since she was a little kid. She's as good as that Benjamin dude, except better because she has full hearing."
"Beethoven, Britt," I correct her, softening my voice in hopes Amanda doesn't hear. The last thing I want to do is embarrass Brittany right now because I can already tell how intimidated she is by this girl. She only says things like this when she's nervous and doesn't have the chance to think over her words before voicing them. This is what she used to be like around me in high school.
"No, he's a dog. Remember?"
"Let me guess, you also think Babe Ruth is a pig?" Amanda remarks sarcastically.
A look of confusion passes over Brittany's face and she looks to me for what to do next. "The pig's name is Babe, yes. But Babe Ruth is like an old time baseball player or something. Anyone could get them mixed up."
It doesn't come out as reassuring as I hoped it would and I can see Amanda smirking into her menu. Her gaze remains locked on Brittany and I give her a stern look when I know Brittany isn't looking. The only reason I'm not jumping down Amanda's throat right now is because Brittany doesn't seem to notice the sudden shift and drawing attention to it won't be doing anyone any favours. I let Amanda be and when she raises her eyebrows as if to say what the hell did I do now, I just shake my head and return my gaze to the menu. If Amanda wants to be a bitch tonight, there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop her.
…
The next twenty minutes play out in much of the same fashion. Brittany and I try to keep the conversation going but Amanda manages to steer it back to some sarcastic jab as frequently as possible. Eventually, we give up even trying and eat our meals in peace.
I wish I knew why Amanda was being like this though. Never has she ever spoken a bad word about Brittany through all of this time I've been talking about her and it's shitty of her to be doing it right now. She was the one who wanted to meet Brittany, who wanted to get to know my girlfriend because that's what friends do. Something about her is just really off tonight.
"How's your shrimp, Britt?" I ask, deciding to try a final time to salvage this pathetic attempt at a nice dinner.
Smiling up at me, she gives a nod. "Delicious. You want some?"
Brittany picks up a single shrimp between her pointer finger and thumb and wiggles it in front of my face. Despite the tense atmosphere, I feel myself grinning back at her before taking it between my lips. Amanda is sending us a glare from across the table but I ignore her, choosing to enjoy the moment with Brittany while it lasts.
"The shrimp at Breadstix has nothing on this," I moan as the taste hits my tongue. "I can't believe we used to think that place was fancy. Every item they served, with the exception of their delicious breadsticks, has easily been topped by other restaurants."
"Does that mean we don't have to go there at least three times a week when we go back this summer?" Brittany asks hopefully. Okay, so maybe I went through withdraws being in New York for three months without my tasty sticks and maybe I dragged Brittany there once every few days while we were visiting for Christmas. That doesn't mean it's going to happen again, not now that I've found all of these alternatives.
"Fuck that," I mumble, "I'll just order in some breadsticks to the house and we can cook our own food. If you had been my friend in high school, I would have kicked the habit much sooner because your cooking kicks ass."
Thankfully, Amanda has been filled in on mine and Brittany's tricky history so she doesn't ask anything regarding my statement. She does ask something though. "You guys are going back to Ohio?"
There is a slight sadness to the question which throws me but I nod my head regardless. Whatever game Amanda is trying to play on my emotions tonight is not going to get to me. "Not until the summer. A couple of our other friends are staying at our place for the break and then we're heading back to visit sometime in August before classes start up again."
"Awesome," she sighs. Her fork slips from her fingers and rattles against the glass plate, startling all three of us, and she makes quick work of picking it back up as though nothing happened.
"Can I get you ladies anything else?" our waitress asks, stopping by our table.
Amanda looks to both Brittany and I, searching for an answer, and we shake our heads to let her know we're ready for the bill. I expect Amanda to do the same thing but instead she leans forward so her chest is pressed against the table. My eyes involuntarily roll back in my head and I wait for the inevitable flirting to begin.
"I was wondering if maybe you'd be willing to give me your number," she smiles. The other woman's cheeks blush hard and that only urges Amanda on. This is the same way she came on to me that first day and let me tell you, cockiness isn't flattering. "See my friends and I are headed to a party and I'm the loser without a date. You could come with me, keep me company."
The girl's mouth opens and closes as she searches for the right words, ultimately coming up with some excuse that it is against company policy for workers to hand out their numbers. The stutter in her words contradicts the apologetic tone in her voice but Amanda ignores the girls discomfort and slides something into the woman's front pocket.
"We'll take the bill then," she smiles, winking to the woman and she makes her way back to the front counter.
"Seriously?" I sigh, throwing my napkin down on the table in front of me. "She had to be at least 35."
That earns me another glare from Amanda but she doesn't have time to respond before Brittany is jumping into the conversation. "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Amanda scrunches her nose in disgust and shakes her head. "See, I'm more of a free spirit type of girl. When I like someone, I get them for a night and then leave before they can even register what happened. This mushy, lovey-dovey crap is definitely not for me, thank you."
She's teasing us and Brittany's teeth clench together tightly. I rub her arm, trying to calm her down, but I'm a little put off myself. Amanda can be bitchy, yes I can admit that, but she is at an entirely new level tonight and I don't know how much longer I can sit in the same room as her without flipping my shit.
"You're missing out," I say matter-of-factly. "Being in love is pretty fucking awesome if you find the right person."
The glare Amanda sends me doesn't even register because Brittany's grin is far more endearing. Leaning over, I press a kiss to her lips to let her know I'm on her side in this.
"Keep it in your pants, would you?" Amanda scoffs. Bringing her straw to her lips, she slurps the rest of her drink up which makes an obnoxiously loud noise.
"Shut up," I spit, noticing Brittany begin pulling away again. My hand quickly finds purchase on her lower back, rubbing small circles over the area, but it doesn't seem to be working. After less than a minute Brittany is excusing herself to the bathroom, leaving Amanda and I alone at the table.
"I should probably make a pit stop too," Amanda announces. Grabbing her purse with one hand, she makes a move to stand from the booth.
"Wait," I call, catching her arm with my hand before she has the chance to spook away. "Sit your ass back down. We need to talk."
Rolling her eyes dramatically, she gives in and plops down in the seat. "Oh no, am I in trouble? Please miss, I really didn't mean it."
"Cut the crap," I hiss, slamming my hands down on the table.
Surprisingly, Amanda takes the hint and surrenders. Crossing her arms, she leans back in the chair and raises her eyebrows, egging me on.
"I remember warning you not to be like this around Britt," I remind her, knowing she hasn't forgotten. "I wanted tonight to be good for us all but you go and ruin it with your attitude and very apparent jealousy. You need to get over yourself because this," I stress, motioning between us. "is never going to happen."
"Please," she spits, leaning forward, "like I'd settle for you. Brittany may be a little simple minded so I can understand why she's with you but I reach much higher, thank you." This girl is so god damn unpredictable. One minute, she acts like your best friend and then, with the flip of a dime, she's your worst enemy. She's a combination of post-Beth Quinn and pre-coming to terms with myself me and, together, that is a lethal mix.
"Hey-" I start, ready to rip her head off for being such a bitch about Brittany.
Brittany, however, decides to make her presence known at that moment and pulls Amanda's hair from behind. It isn't hard enough to really hurt her but it's odd seeing Brittany take control like that, even rarer to see Amanda lose control so quickly.
"Don't you dare talk about Santana that way," Brittany defends, her voice clear and stern. Letting go of her hair, she moves to stand in front of the girl. "The way she talks about you, I couldn't wait to finally meet this girl Santana let in. She made you out to seem like this awesome person but all you've done all night is pick on us."
"Britt," I sigh. I feel like I should try to stop her but, at the same time, I want to know where this is going.
"No, San. She needs to hear this," Brittany asserts.
Placing her two fists on the table, she leans forward until her face is level with Amanda's. Unlike when I tried intimidating her, Amanda actually cowers away from Brittany. Unable to do much else, I just sit back and let it unfold.
"Amanda, you seem like someone who likes things upfront so I'm just going to say it. You're a bitch and I don't trust you around Santana. I love her more than anything and I've seen her at both her lowest and highest points
"You mean like when you were ignoring her? When she came crying to me about her broken heart." Amanda argues but the bite that should be there is missing. Brittany must be getting to her.
"You know nothing, okay?" Brittany all but yells. "That was between me and Santana, it had nothing to do with you. I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to go to you but you can't judge our relationship based on a single fight. You have no idea how hard we have worked on this relationship, all of the things we've been through, so I suggest you shut your mouth."
Brittany's breathing is heavy and I feel my own chest rising and falling at the same rapid pace. Not only did Brittany manage to keep up with Amanda, she also managed to leave her speechless. Using her balled fists, Brittany pushes herself up and looks to me.
"C'mon San." Without another glance in Amanda's direction, Brittany's spinning on her heals and towards the front door. Amanda, who still looks slightly shell-shocked from the entire ordeal, watches her leave with wide eyes.
"I've never her seen her so pissed off," I say breathlessly. I'm not doing much better than Amanda in processing the whole thing but I try to snap myself out of it.
"I didn't, I mean I-" Shaking her head, Amanda is at a loss for what to even say and I can't say I blame her.
"Just apologize and she'll come around," I tell her. Pulling a few bills from my purse, I hand them to Amanda and ask her to pay while I catch up to Brittany. "I'm giving you one chance and if you screw this up again, I'm done with you."
I'm reminded of that first day we met, back at that small coffee shop. My nerves were high that day and I remember how uncomfortable I felt sitting across from a stranger. It had nothing to do with Amanda exactly, more like the situation, but I took all of my emotions out on her and she didn't even flinch. She wanted to get to know me and I jumped down her throat. It was uncalled for and unprovoked but I was unable to keep my emotions in check and they got the best of me.
Amanda didn't leave me though. She didn't walk away or yell at me. Instead, she shut up and offered to walk me home, then invited me to a party and became my friend. It's not a typical reaction you get from someone you yelled at in a public setting, but nothing about Amanda is all that typical, nor is anything about our friendship. That's why I can't hold this against her right now. She gave me a chance and now it's my turn to do that same.
This is her one chance.
…
"You want to go home?" I ask once I step outside of the restaurant. Brittany is staring straight ahead, back pressed against the side of the building and she has a look of concentration on her face. I can almost feel the anger radiating from her body.
The sun is only now setting and it's slightly strange to see it happening so late after one of the longest winters I remember, but it's a welcome change. Brittany's eyes wander to the glow atop the buildings on the opposite side of the street, seemingly becoming lost in the sight, before shaking her head.
"We are going to this party," Brittany asserts. She raises our linked hands, twirling me underneath them, before pulling me closer to her body. "I just really wish she didn't have to come."
Her face is flustered, probably due to the fight, and her body still seems more tense than normal. Tugging on our still intertwined hands, I guide her to the small parking lot on the side of the building.
"Can I just say how hot it was too see you all defensive like that?" I smirk. We get to the only car in the customer parking in the lot and I press my back against the cool metal. It sends a shiver through my spine but I still manage to wiggle my eyebrows at Brittany.
"Well I couldn't let her talk about you like that," Brittany says through gritted teeth. "I really hate fighting with people and I know you care about her, it just seemed like the only way. I didn't mean to call her names."
Shaking my head, I look up at her. "She was trying to get a rise out of us the entire time," I explain. "You just did what anyone would do. Fuck, I was ready to tear into her if you hadn't showed up when you did."
"I hated hearing her be mean to you."
Reaching out for her hand, I pull her tightly against my front. "I know, Britt, and I love that you were there for me. I guess Amanda's personality is one you have to warm up to. I swear, by the end of the night you won't even realize her jabs are insulting anymore."
Brittany's nose scrunches in disgust but the sound of the car doors unlocking jolts us both from the moment, and the side of the car, not giving her any time to respond.
The door creaks as I open it, the sound echoing through the silent parking lot, but Brittany just slips into the back seat without paying it much mind. I shuffle in next to her, closing the door behind me, and I move to sit in the middle seat so I can sit next to her. It's not until Amanda opens the door to the driver's side of the car that I realize one of us should have taken the passenger seat, after all, she is doing us a favour my driving us. With a huff, she closes the door behind her and makes herself comfortable in the seat.
"I'm going to ignore the fact that you're both treating me like some chauffeur because I gave you both shit earlier, but I do request you keep your hands to yourselves at all times," Amanda announces as she puts the keys in the ignition. Looking in the rear view mirror, her eyes meet my own before moving to seek out Brittany's. "First questionable noise I hear and you are both out on your asses. Capisce?"
While the confession of guilt is minimum, the fact that it's even there at all takes Brittany by surprise and she just stares blankly ahead, mouth agape. I mumble some half-assed agreement to Amanda before turning Brittany's head to face mine, her facial expression unchanging. My lips curl up in a smile as Brittany takes in the real Amanda, the one I want her to know, and I give her thigh a light squeeze.
It's probably the best form of an apology she's going to give at the moment but somehow we both seem okay with that. The night is still young and the potential for anything to happen is still very much alive.
…
The party is exactly what Amanda said it would be, just a small gathering of about 20 or so kids from the group. While it's unlike every other party I've ever attended, it's a welcome surprise and I actually feel myself growing more comfortable with each passing minute. Amanda, Brittany, and I showed up about an hour ago and I've already spoken to a few people who seem pretty cool.
"You want a refill?" Brittany asks, straining her voice so I can hear her over the music.
Glancing down at the empty cup, I give her a nod and hand it to her. While I'm ecstatic that Brittany choose to come with me, I'm beginning to realize that I don't need to use her as a crutch anymore. The more comfortable I become with myself, the easier it is to enjoy myself and enjoy Brittany without that annoying feeling of reliance. It's refreshing.
"It seems like you're having a good time," Amanda says as she makes her way through the small crowd. Since arriving, she's been keeping her distance from both Brittany and I, or maybe just Brittany as I realize now, but I'm glad to hear her voice. "Glad you decided to come?"
Surprisingly, she doesn't sound drunk in the slightest and when I look into her cup I see what appears to be water. I decide not to mention it though, instead feign happiness that the bitch act from earlier has yet to reappear.
"I am," I smile. My eyes wander across the relatively large living room as I say the words, taking in the rest of the crowd. "Thanks for asking me and everything, I guess. I was pretty much a stranger to you when you asked me for coffee and you somehow weren't driven off by my attitude, that takes a special person. You helped me get my shit together and I owe you one."
"Yeah, well," she shrugs, shoving her free hand into the front pocket of her jeans. I know I should be angry at her right now but, for some reason, I can't bring myself to be. Emotions were flying high back at the restaurant and I know she didn't mean what she said. "It's different, right?" Amanda asks.
Her hand raises to bring her plastic cup to her lips and I'm about to ask her what she means but something stops me. Instead I turn to follow her gaze to the crowd, to the few couples dancing, and I notice what I'd overlooked before. I don't know how I managed that though, maybe I wasn't paying enough attention. Couples litter the area cleared away from all furniture, holding each other, dancing around. Sure there are girls and guys dancing together but they are far outnumbered by the number of same-sex pairings.
"Yeah," I breathe out.
"It's never something you ever get used to, not completely anyways, but it's nice when it happens." A sad smile creeps its way onto her face and she breathes in deeply. "I remember the first time I came to one of these and a girl asked me to dance. She was hot and I was shit baked, having never even gone so far as to hold hands with another girl before, but as soon as I realized that nobody was paying us any attention, I finally began to feel comfortable. That night changed a lot of things for me."
It's a new development, hearing her talk about something so serious, so I decide not to comment and ruin the moment. Instead, I let her words hang in the air as we both register what they truly mean. Amanda is like me in the way she leads everyone to believe she is immune to feelings but there is more to her than she's willing to let me in on quite yet.
"Here you go." I feel something cold slip into my hand and look up to see Brittany standing there, a curious look on her face. "You okay?"
"Yeah," I smile. The certainty in my voice makes me smile and I'm unable to resist the urge to lean over and kiss Brittany. "I'm really glad you're here."
Over my shoulder, Brittany and Amanda share a look and I see a hint of a smile on Brittany's face. That's all I get though because soon I'm being swept off to the dance floor by her and Amanda is the furthest thing from my mind.
…
"I think you have an admirer," Brittany announces, a smirk plastered on her face. She cuddles into my left side , pushing me back against the smooth material of the couch. "She's been looking this way for a while now."
On the other side on me, Amanda's head is nodding up and down. "You should ask her to dance."
"Yeah," Brittany agrees. Not only her response, but the excitement in her voice takes me by surprise. "C'mon San, you deserve to have some fun tonight."
"I don't have to dance with some stranger to have fun."
"She isn't a stranger," Amanda chimes, "her name is Emily. I introduced her to you earlier."
"See, not a stranger."
Someone must have slipped something into Brittany's drink because only hours earlier, she was acting all jealous because of my friendship with Amanda and here she is, pushing me to dance with some other girl. My head is spinning as I look up to see the other girl, Emily, staring right back at me.
"I'm not going to be mad," Brittany says honestly. "I trust you and it's only one dance, it's not like I haven't danced with anyone else tonight. Go have some fun for a while, I'll be right here when you get back. I might even dance with you if you're lucky."
Hands press against either of my sides and my eyes roll at the two girls antics. At least they're getting along now. "Fine, okay," I laugh. "But if I have to do this, I get to pick out girls for the both of you next. Especially you Amanda, hopefully someone more permanent than a single dance."
For some unknown reason, my nerves don't even register as I make my way over to Emily. I can feel both Brittany's and Amanda's eyes on my back and Emily's on my front, shyly peeking over at me as I get closer, but my legs take me with such a confidence I wasn't even aware I possessed.
"Emily?" Even as the name leaves my lips, my confidence doesn't falter.
The shorter girl looks up at me, face blushing a bright red before giving me a smile.
I'm about to tell her how Brittany and Amanda have been pestering me to ask her to dance but I decide not to use that as an excuse. With a smile on my lips, I ask the girl to dance with me and it doesn't even falter when she agrees.
For the next two and a half minutes, as some slow song plays through the stereo, I make small talk with the girl and learn a surprising amount about her. Ordinarily, I believe she would be more of a shy person but the alcohol in her system seems to have given her a strange confidence and she blurts out everything that crosses her mind. As our feet move swiftly across the hardwood floors, our grip on each other tightens, and I find myself surprised at the realization that I'm enjoying myself.
Just as the song is ending, I catch sight of Brittany out of the corner of my eye, I give her a wink before pulling Emily into a quick hug and thanking her for the dance.
"Was that good enough for you two?" I ask, feigning annoyance but even Amanda knows me well enough to pick up on how insincere it is.
…
The rest of the night passes in much the same fashion. We dance with each other, Brittany and I drink some more, we ask strangers to dance, some ask us, and by 2AM the three of us are well beyond exhausted and decide to call it a night. When Amanda offers us a ride back to the apartment, Brittany and I eagerly accept, neither wanting to be anywhere near a subway station so late, and we all pile into the small car once again.
Brittany falls asleep with her head in my lap not five minutes into the ride so I direct my attention to the world outside. Aside from the scatter car or two, there isn't much movement around and it almost makes me wish our apartment was a little further away from the city. Such a stillness is impossible to find anywhere near our building. Then the lights become brighter, the streets more crowded, and everything begins to look familiar.
Amanda's arm wraps around the passenger seat head rest, allowing her to turn to face me. "You need any help with her?" she whispers.
Shaking my head back and fourth, I slowly brush my hand through Brittany's long hair. "Britt-Britt," I call softly, not wanting to startle the sleeping blonde. "We're home, you think you can stand up for me?"
Some incoherent string of mumbles and groans leave Brittany's mouth, causing both Amanda and I to laughing, and Amanda slips out of the drivers seat to help me get Brittany onto her feet.
"I can help you bring her up if you need me to," she offers but it seems as though Brittany's at least conscious enough to make it up over the stairs so I decline. Besides, Amanda isn't any bigger than me so I doubt she'd be able to do much either.
"Thanks for the ride," I tell her, "and for tonight. I had a good time."
"Same," she smiles. "I'm sorry for dinner, I don't know why I was being like that. Sometimes I'm on edge for no good reason and I lash out at people who don't deserve it. Loneliness and desperation are not a good mix."
Shrugging my shoulders, I give her a nod in understanding. "I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Sure," she smiles before turning to get back into the car.
Brittany has already made it to the front step, where she decided to take a small break, so I sit down next to her in hopes that the fresh air might wake her up some.
…
Never have I wished that our building had an elevator as much as I do right now, and I've wished for one on many occasions. Seeing Brittany pulling herself up each stair in her half conscious daze, her eyes growing heavier with each blink, is almost painful to watch. If I didn't think I would fall over, subsequently throwing us both down the set of stairs, I'd give Brittany a piggy back to the room. Instead, I'm forced to stand by and let her do it on her own, the guiding hand on her back the only support I can provide.
"Yes," Brittany slurs as we reach the top step, her hands raising weakly above her head in celebration.
"And it only took ten minutes," I add. Either she doesn't hear me or she's too tired to respond. Sliding the key into the hole, I make quick work of getting Brittany into the house and to the nearest bed.
"Here, lie back," I direct as she sits on the corner of my bed.
When Brittany doesn't move, I guide her back on the blankets and watch as her eyes flutter shut. The girl has been working her ass off lately, even with the reduced work hours, so I can't really be upset at her for passing out on me.
Moving to my dresser, I pull out one of my older t-shirts and lay it on the bed next to Brittany. Careful not to wake the sleeping girl, I ease her pants down her long legs before reaching to pull her top over her head and remove her bra.
A hum falls from her lips and I still my motions, not wanting to jostle her awake, and wait until I'm certain she sleeping to slide my shirt down her body.
Slipping out of the room, I change my clothes and brush my teeth before returning to the dark room. It takes a few moment for my eyes to adjust but once they do, the sight of Brittany curled up at the lower end of the bed has me reaching for a spare comforter in the corner. I don't have to heart to wake her so I instead move next to her, guiding the blanket down over the two of us. My eyes begin weighing down and I give in, allowing them to close shut as my arm snakes around Brittany's body.
…
Six days later, I find myself standing in front of Brittany in the middle of a semi-crowded train station. It rained the entire walk here so both of us are wearing coats that are soaked and I'm sure my bag gained ten pounds from the walk. But none of those things worry me, they barely even register in my mind.
"I don't wanna go, Britt," I whine.
I throw my head back in distress but Brittany just wraps her arms tightly around my body and laughs in my hair. A part of me knows I'm acting like a six year old but a bigger part of me couldn't care less. Standing in the middle of a public train station I am going to sulk and it doesn't matter who's around to witness it.
"It's only two days."
"Two and a half," I counter, pulling back enough to face her. "It's going to suck ass being away from you for so long."
"I'll take that as a compliment, I guess," Brittany grins. Her fingers trace nonsensical patterns across my arms but the effort does little to calm me, instead making it even harder to leave her. "Quinn would probably be offended though. I thought you were excited to see her. It's all you've been talking about for like that last week."
"Yeah, but-" I start, not really sure where I want to take it.
Originally, I did want to visit Quinn. I was excited and maybe I still am, but it doesn't feel as great to be leaving New York as the thought made me feel. For the past week, there was always a small sliver of hope present in the back of my mind, hope that Brittany would change her mind and decide to join me. When I first asked her, she requested a day to think about it which was weird but I was willing to take it because it wasn't a no. The no didn't come until the following day when she decided it would be best for me to spend some time with Quinn while she took some time to herself here. Again and again, she promised me that she wasn't mad or upset, that she decided not to join me because she wanted me to spend some time with my best friend while used the weekend to catch up on some homework and unwind a little before finals came crashing down on her. The hope was always there though.
Now, however, I'm standing in front of her, ticket in one hand and gym bag of clothes in the other, and she is empty handed. There is no more time for hope, there isn't even anymore hope. All that I have to look forward to is a weekend with Quinn and then Sunday night with Brittany, catching up on lost time.
Okay, so maybe that doesn't sound like the worst possibility.
"Fine," I huff, pulling her body against mine. "But you have to promise not to get all weird on me again. You need to rest up this weekend because when I get back on Sunday I want you naked in our bed for a night long round of sexy times."
Brittany cheeks redden, though I'm not sure if it's due to the fact that I called my bed ours or that I just offered her a night of sex, but either way I'm okay with it. "I'm going to miss you so much," she whispers into my hair.
"Ditto," I reply, trying to keep my emotions intact.
"Can I ask you something before you go?" Brittany questions and my eyebrows arch. Nodding my head, she continues. "How many times are Mr. and Mrs. Simon going to be knocking at the door, checking up on me?"
"What? How-"
Brittany's giggles cut of my stuttered speech, shaking her head at how ridiculous I sound. "I'm not an idiot, San. I know you and you would never leave town without having a group of people scheduled to check up on me. I'm expected the Simon's as well as Rachel at the least. I wouldn't even be surprised to see Amanda at my doorstep with a case of beer."
"I can't promise that won't happen," I laugh at the image along with the fact that Brittany says the name with such joy, "she does seem quite fond of you. And yes, Mr. Simon promised to keep an eye out but he shouldn't be over or anything. He's just going to let me know if he sees anything odd happening. It's more for my own peace of mind than anything. I hate you being there alone for so long."
"Once again, it's only two days and I'm 19. I'll be fine."
Nodding, I press my lips to her forehead. "I know you will."
"You should get going."
"I know."
I don't move though, unable to leave her side. Not when something so heavy is weighing on my mind. "Do you think we could maybe talk when I get back?" There is a seriousness to my words that has the smile sliding from Brittany's face within no time. It hurts to watch but I need to do this, for my own sake.
"Yeah, sure," Brittany nods but her voice sounds skeptical. "Did anything, did I do something?"
"No, no, Britt," I comfort her, not realizing that it could sound much worse to someone without access to my thoughts. "There are just a few things I feel we need to talk out, some left over conversations we haven't had the chance to have already."
The clock on the wall dings 5 o'clock and I'm immediately picking up my bag and running to the train. I feel guilty not waiting around to let Brittany voice her thoughts but I know she understands. I'll be sure to call her as soon as I get to New Haven and she knows that.
Sliding into an empty seat, I throw my head back and shut my eyes tight. I don't know what this weekend will hold, nor do I know what will await me upon my return, but I do know there is nothing I can do to change anything. Sucking in a deep breath, I let myself relax at the thought. I'm going to spend the next two and a half days with Quinn, chilling out with my best friend, and then Sunday night I'm going to slip into bed with Brittany.
This weekend is just as much for Brittany as it is for me, it's a chance for us to catch up with our own minds and hopefully it will give Brittany the courage to finally come clean with me. As much as I don't want to pressure her, I can't allow her anymore time than I already have. Regardless of whether she comes to me or not, when I get home we're having a talk.