Chapter 21: Belief

"No," I said following the beat of silence after Cylis' declaration. "N-no, that's not true. It's not." My voice continued rambling, my eyes locked on Cylis' crumbled expression. My mother turned to me, reaching out to grip my arms, trying to get me to calm down.

"Ila," she began but I cut off, pulling away from her sharply.

"No," I insisted. She, as well as everyone, stared at me in shock. I had never done that to her; I had never refused her or not listened to her. I shook my head, losing my voice as I pivoted and ran. I didn't care where I went. I just ran.

I found myself at the outcropping of rocks along a ragged cliff edge. I finally sat, my breathing evening from the run. I was far from Forks; I could see the whole of Mount Rainier easily to the south. I curled in on myself, my knees pulled in to my chest, my chin resting on top. A river flowed several stories beneath me, and I focused on the sprinkles of rushing water as they flowed with the current and over the waterfall half a mile down. I didn't know how long I sat there, forcing myself to think of nothing but the water, but I was pulled out of my reverie when I heard footsteps. I glanced back to see my mother standing there, watching me from the edge of the woods that she had come out of from following me here. I turned away from her, not willing to face her after my actions against her. I was too ashamed to go to her and sob into her shoulder, as much as I wanted to. So I kept my position. She sighed sadly, coming to me and sitting cross-legged besides me. We didn't speak for a few moments.

"I'm sorry, Mother," I whispered, my voice cracking as I fought unshed tears. She turned her head to me, and I could sense from her mind that she wanted to take me in her arms, but knowing that it was a bad idea.

"There's nothing to apologize for, darling," she replied softly. I shook my head.

"I should not have done that," I protested.

"You're scared. It's not your fault," she said.

"I shouldn't be. I need to be strong,"

"Why do you think that?" Her question surprised me and I couldn't help but look at her, my eyebrows furrowed.

"We can't survive without being strong. You're always strong. You don't let yourself be overcome with fear. You can't," I replied. She sighed again, but there was a small smile on her face as she shook her head.

"I'm scared a lot, Ila. More so than you ever could comprehend," she said. I raised my eyebrows, disbelieving,

"I was scared when I came back and saw you in the state you were in. I was scared when I chose to leave you here. I was scared when I found out I was pregnant with you. I was even scared when I agreed to your father changing me. I've been scared a lot of times. It's okay to be scared at certain times. And this is one of those times, Ila. For both of us."

"Are you scared now?" I asked. She hesitated slightly before she nodded. I looked down as I processed that. I released my knees and let them turn so I facing her. She opened her arm for me, and I allowed her to wrap her arms around me, pressing me to her. We needed to hold onto each other. We needed to hold each other together, just to get through this.

"He's not really dead, is he, Mother?" I asked, immediately regretting it as I mentally felt my mother's heart clench at the question.

"I don't believe so, Ila. But I honestly do not know for sure," she replied. I nodded at her honesty.

"I believe if it was true, we would have felt something. Or at least you would. You would know if Father was dead. I believe that's how I knew Edward wasn't dead, when Alice and I were flying to Italy. I believed I would feel it in my heart if he died." I admitted, sounding cliche as I said it. I felt my mother smile slightly.

"That's what I believe too, sweetheart," she agreed. We sat there for a moment, not speaking.

"Do you believe in God, Mother?" I asked suddenly. She was surprised; I had never asked her anything like this before. She shrugged around me.

"Sometimes. During my life, I have met people who I would have like to believe they were God, people so wonderful that I can't even describe it. Many people believed Jesus, or Muhammad, or Krishna was God. No one has any proof they walked the earth or that they ever existed at all, but what does it matter if they existed when the most important part is the message they left behind?

"Children are told the stories of Santa Claus and then later on are told he isn't real. That's not entirely true. Santa Claus existed; he was Nicholas and he did bring toys and goodies to the children. Now, he is called Santa, or Father Christmas, or a number of other names. He did live in this world, and now his message lives on in the annual gift giving season. I believe God works in the same way. The world has always debated and argued over the existence of God, but does it really matter? I don't think so. Jesus, Muhammad, and Krishna all taught the same basic message: love, forgiveness, peace. And that message has stayed alive throughout time. Maybe God exists, maybe he doesn't. No one alive really knows. But passing on that message allows us to procreate, to grow, and to allow our morality, our humanity, our goodness you can call it, to stay alive. That's all that matters."

I had never heard her speak so vehemently about the subject, though we have never really gone into it. I was speechless and she allowed me time to process what she said.

"I believed in God when you were born, and since then I am much more open to the whole idea. When you were born, I felt that there was an invisible force that gave me some happiness after an eternity of struggle and hiding, even if it was with my soulmate," she added. I looked up at her before blushing and she smiled down at me, giving me that smile she always did when she thought about how amazing my birth was and all that. It embarrassed me, because she would almost praise me when I didn't really do anything for it. I ducked my head under her chin and hugged her tighter. She reciprocated; she was the only one whose strength overpowered mine.

"I think you're right, Ila. I believe he is alive," she told me. I nodded at her words; part of me believed myself but part of me feared how much of it was based on solely emotion. I made to get up and she followed me. I stretched from staying in that position for so long before taking off running, my mother even with me.

The house was alight with activity when we arrived. We were on edge as we saw that the steel shutters had been brought down over the walls and windows. Both of us confused and alert, we looked toward the multiple new cars parked in the Cullens' driveway. A couple were unfamiliar but some I recognized immediately as the black Camaro's that the Order used. We sprinted to the porch, entering the house quickly. Everyone was there, and we took in the newcomers. Several Order members stood in at the perimeter of the room, the silver embossed logo on the top left corner of their all black uniforms, and my fear began to escalate. Most of the time, they wore clothing to blend in with the fashion styles around them; these uniforms were only worn for emergencies, ones where they needed to band together and did not worry about conspicuousness.

In the center with the Cullens, two vampires stood before us, a male and a female. Their golden hued eyes revealed that they were in fact the Denali coven, the distant 'cousins' of the Cullens who shared their vegetarian diet. But I was confused. Edward had told me there were more. The male—Elezear, from what I got from his mind—was arguing with Carlisle when we entered. They all turned to me and my mother as we entered. Edward came to me, his eyes concerned. I assured him mentally that I was ok, a trick we had learned during the night. His mind reading capabilities paired with my mental power allowed for easy two-way connection between us.

"What happened?" My mother demanded, looking at the Order members around us.

"More Vercrian attacks, Ralae. Up north, in Alaska," one said.

"How many?" she questioned.

"Thirteen humans and three vampires dead," he responded, his voice terse but hinting at the grief. My stomach dropped and I looked at Edward for confirmation. He nodded, his eyes angry and grief-stricken. I squeezed my hand around his forearm, giving as much comfort as I physically could. I looked at the rest of the Cullens; most were shocked and angry, but Esme and Alice looked to be on the verge of tears. Rosalie was angered and she looked to my mother, who had picked up on the situation.

"We must move quickly. How many were there?" she asked.

"Three. We were able to get two of them, but the last one escaped. We apologize, Ralae," another said and they all bowed their heads in shame. My mother waved it off.

"That doesn't matter now," she assured them, though her voice was tight and her eyes kept flicking to me.

"Excuse me, but could you tell me what is going on?" the woman asked, her golden eyes flashing with emotion. I looked toward her and let myself into her mind. I pulled back out immediately, shocked and shaken. I looked at Edward again and he didn't bother with a verbal response. The look in his eyes was enough.

"What?" Kate demanded.

Sorry this was short guys but there will be more soon!

Sorry for all the God talk, guys, but it was indicative of the story!

BTW, this Neverland is almost over; there will be a few more chapters, not sure how many exactly :$

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