Chapter 21 Departure

The day before Demetri was due I watched as another dawn turned the little pond in the garden of my cottage from darkest black to heavy gray to match the clouds above. The weather, still cold, looked particularly uninviting at this hour. There was no warmth or happiness from this sun that day. All the color sapped from the landscape to leave it looking like an old black and white film. I wondered idly where the color had gone. If I looked deep into the pool would I find all the yellows, blues and reds down there, like layers of chemicals that we used to separate out in chemistry labs, each liquid sitting on another without mixing. I didn't need the heat but I liked it all the same. It would have uplifted my spirits, which were still low, but I couldn't even be cheerful about the sun if there were only to be clouds today.

But it didn't take me long to think of one very cheerful event that would happen that morning. One of my problems would be leaving. Nahuel and Huilen were going back to the rainforest. A long, long way from Forks.

I knew it wasn't Nahuel's fault. The imprinting was entirely involuntary, and he was being amazingly calm about it. He knew that I wasn't 'available' and that I couldn't possibly share his feelings. He seemed happy just to wait, not saying anything, not causing offense to most of us, just as Jacob seemed happy to wait for Nessie to grow up. The only one who really did get offended was Edward. His temper and stress was becoming almost unbearable. But he managed to contain it somehow and stayed with me some distance from the main house, far enough not to hear the Nahuel's voice in his head. We never spoke of the stress, it was a taboo subject somehow. We both knew Nahuel had imprinted on me, though only I knew why.

I knew that Nahuel would pine for me when he left, it would cause him pain. This pain was my fault. How bad would it be? Was I such a terrible person, being happy that my trouble was leaving, though my trouble was really only a minor concern and his pain would be so great? I determined that if I could find a way to master my new gift I would release him and let him live his life without this burden of unrequited love, and let him feel whole as himself, not needing me. Yes, that was a good aim, a positive aim. But was it achievable?

Emmett had taken off with Rose for a few days, promising to be back before Demetri arrived. I wasn't sure of whom to thank for this but I thought it was probably Alice. They'd gone to a town in Canada which was having a problem with polar bears attacking people. There had been a documentary about it on television, and I had a shrewd idea that Alice may have turned to the right channel at just the right time. Emmett was delighted, "Well, I like to be of service to a community in trouble," he chortled. Emmett loved to hunt bear and this was an irresistible opportunity.

This gave me at least a few hours in the house at the heart of my family with no unwanted admirers to worry about. Bliss. But first we had to say goodbye to the Amazons.

They were waiting for us when Edward, Nessie and I walked into the main house. Nahuel openly staring at me again. We made our goodbyes brief and thanked them again for everything that they had done for us. Nahuel came over and embraced first Nessie, then Edward, and last of all me. He didn't say a word, but I could tell from the way Edward stared at him that his thoughts were not silent. Anger rolled off Edward in waves. I could almost smell it, like the smell of fresh human sweat.

Jasper moved towards Edward, quickly forcing calm on all of us. It was enough to defuse the situation. And they were gone.

My tension eased immediately, as did Edward's stress.

"Well, just the family for a day, then," said Carlisle, "well most of us anyway."

Esme looked round still slightly stressed by all the coming and goings, "Oh, now that you are here you can help me finish off the guest rooms before Demetri arrives. I didn't like to make anything of it while we had guests that we couldn't give a guest room to."

"Edward, would you be a dear and pop to Jones' shop in the town for me? They have the bed linen - they phoned to say that it had arrived last night."

"Yes, Mom." He smiled his crooked smile, this task obviously to his liking, and an easy job to do for his beloved Mother, all signs of stress now completely evaporated.

I left Nessie with Jacob as I went to help Esme upstairs. I had missed my mother-in-law in my self-imposed exile from the main house over the last few days. She was a force for calm, love and reason - three things that I craved at that moment. Then I knew that what was missing from my life was my mothers, both Esme and Renee. It was their wisdom I craved now. It would help me through the messes of tangled emotions, not only mine but the emotions of those around me as well.

We were hanging curtains against the small attic windows when I decided that I needed to open up. But she was there before me. Edward wasn't around it was the perfect opportunity.

"I know why you've been keeping away from the house. And I know that it really isn't your fault, is it? All of them falling in love with you like this," her voice so quiet even to my inhuman ears that I was almost lip reading.

"Is it that obvious?" I matched the volume of my reply to hers.

"To me, yes, to other people, not so much. Only Nahuel is obvious to the general observer, imprinting is rather obvious and they don't try to hide it. I know it is involuntary on both sides, neither of you can help the way he feels for you. It is not as if he even knew you when he fell for you after the standoff."

"Oh, it was then? I didn't even notice until a few days after."

"Yes, it was that very night, I saw it when we got back home from the clearing. You were talking and laughing and he just looked at you, his whole face changed, the worry wiped away and replaced by, well, devotion I guess. In an instant it his whole demeanor changed, his whole existence took on a new meaning.

"It isn't your fault or his, but it does matter. He is in pain when you are not around him. But I think that you were right to keep away. I'm sure that he will be in pain now. I don't think that he will be able to keep away from you for long. But then when he is here Edward does get so stressed with jealousy. It reminds me of how he was when you used to spend time with the wolves in La Plush last spring. He does get so jealous and it is so unnecessary. He may be a hundred and ten years old in some ways but in many others he is just seventeen. Before he met you he had no reason to be jealous of anything, so he has not learned to cope with that emotion in a mature way. It is just as raw to him as to any seventeen year old.

"And of course Emmett is never one for subtlety. Fortunately Rose seems oblivious at the moment, even though Edward's not. I'm hoping that this trip out to the polar bears will have helped them closer together again.

"And as for Jasper, he really is such a dark horse. He plays life like a long calculated game of chess, none of Emmett's up front ways."

I froze staring up at her.

"Jasper?" I whispered, only just managing to get the word out.

"Yes, Jasper. You didn't know? Hadn't you realized, Bella?"

"No"

I shut my eyes, but I wanted to keep out more than just the light. I wanted to get away from this knowledge, the knowledge that I was tearing my family apart.

"Ahh," Esme smiled. "He can keep things well hidden from people, even Edward and Alice and you so it seems. But I don't think I'm wrong. It's the little things that give him away, the way he moves when you walk into the room, the way he tends to disappear if you are with Edward. I guess it's hard to hold his thoughts together when he see you with your husband. I try not to think of any of this when Edward's about, I know it would only upset him."

"But Alice?"

"Yes, I know."

I thought to myself that she must be wrong. Alice or Edward would surely have noticed something. What Esme was seeing was just our friendship, the only one that I could rely on as being true and not manipulated by any thoughts that I was sending out. That was it. Jasper wasn't, couldn't be in love with me too.

"Jasper and I are just friends, that's all. He has only brotherly feelings for me. And as for the others, I've not ... done anything to encourage them... They know that I can't be more than a sister to them, they know how much I love Edward. Why are they acting like this?"

"Bella, Bella," Esme came and sat beside me on the bed, "I'm not blaming you, it's just very unfortunate that this is happening and we have to work through it. It will turn out right in the end."

At that point I stated sobbing. I felt something wet on my check, not cold or hot, but body temperature.

My hand instinctively went to it to wipe it away. It was liquid, clear liquid, just below my right eye. How weird, just as if it were a human tear but this stone body couldn't cry tears. I quickly hid the gesture from Esme, for some reason it felt as if this moisture on my face was wrong, a sin in a way, a shameful act.

My surprise at the liquid had stopped my sobbing and frozen me.

"Bella, what is it?"

"Oh, I'm just so upset by it all Esme. I don't know what to do or which way to turn. Every way I just hurt people. If we go we'll split up the family and take Nessie away from you all just when she is growing so much, and if we stay I just seem to come between my brothers and sisters."

"You can't do anything at the moment. You can't leave now with Demetri coming to visit. You and Nessie are the main reasons for his visit."

I stood motionless with all these thoughts shooting around in my head. The phone rang far away in the real world, a long way away from me.

"Bella?" I heard Jacob shout from the first floor, "call for you."

Author's Note

Hi Reader,

I hoped you like the chapter. Thank you for reading Cold Gray Light.

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C.