Chapter 20 – Flames and Feelings, Part 2
The digital clock on the nightstand read 02:15 and Tifa rolled over in her bed for what felt like the hundredth time. At this hour, everyone was fast asleep and the only sound that filled the inn was the rumbling of Barret's snores. It would have been easy to blame her insomnia on the dark-skinned man and his earth shaking snores; after all, his nightly lumber mill had been the source of many sleepless nights in the past. As much as she wanted to throw her boot at his head and blame him for her misfortune, she knew that her actions would be misdirected. Tonight Barret was innocent and it was her own nagging thoughts that kept her awake. She'd tried just about everything to clear her mind of pesky thoughts in order to salvage what little time she had left to sleep, but nothing seemed effective and somehow her mind always circled back around to the subject that she was trying so hard to escape.
Sighing in defeat, Tifa got up from her bed and quietly made her way through the room and down the stairs, taking care not to wake any of the others on her way to the exit. The cool night's breeze rippled through her long hair as she stepped through the door and onto the streets of Costa del Sol. The small town was deserted at this hour; not a light was on in any of the homes and the only sound that could be heard for miles around was the sound of the loud waves beating against the shores nearby. Following the sound down to the beach, she collapsed into one of the chairs, dug her toes into the cold sand, and allowed herself to reflect on the events that were now plaguing her mind and keeping her awake.
Today had been a rough day for their small group. Their stay in Costa del Sol had been meant to serve as a mini vacation from their journey where they could all relax, have a little fun, and to take a break from the excessive negativity and stress that seemed to follow each of them around; but it seemed their stay had the opposite effect on a few of them.
The previous night on the ship had put a strain on everyone, but none more so than Lightning. She'd seemed so tired when they first arrived in Costa del Sol and so it was no surprise that she wasn't as excited about going to the beach as everyone else was. Tifa assumed that the pinkette would immediately head to the inn, and so while Aeris was busy trying on swimsuits, she decided to check in on her pink-haired comrade and talk with her for a few minutes. By the time that she arrived, Lightning was already sound asleep and was drenched in what appeared to be her own sweat.
Tifa recalled feeling a pang of guilt as her eyes fell upon the bruises that still decorated the pinkette's arms. This was the first time that she'd seen the woman without her black sleeve since their time in Kalm and the discolored marks did nothing but stir the haunting memory of the night when they'd found her in Hojo's laboratory. The image from that night would be forever be burned into her mind and as hard as she tried, she would never escape the guilt; after all, it was her actions that had put Lightning in that situation to begin with.
Tifa had hoped to for the chance to speak with her pink-haired comrade; to try to melt some of the ice that had formed in between the two, but she knew that Lightning needed the rest. She had been walking around for days putting on a brave face and acting as if she was one-hundred percent back to normal, but Tifa knew better. She may have had the others fooled, but Tifa knew that Mako Poisoning was not something that you could simply walk off or ignore like a case of the sniffles; she'd witnessed it with her own eyes. Lightning seemed to become stronger with each day that passed, but no one knew for sure what she was really going through because she never talked about it out of fear that Cloud would leave her behind for her own safety.
Disappointed, Tifa had left the inn and reunited with Aeris and the two of them spent the next few hours at the beach. After a quick bite to eat at the bar, Tifa had decided to check in on Lightning again, but there was no one at the inn except for Cloud, who had just woken up. He'd seemed rather interested in finding her as well, so they set off together in search of the pinkette. It didn't take very long to find her, but as soon as they saw her pale pink locks shimmering in the sun and the white lab coat that was standing beside her, they knew they'd made the right choice in searching for her.
Lightning had suffered greatly at the hands of that wicked man and Tifa couldn't fathom the mental torture that his presence had inflicted on her during that short encounter, and so it was no surprise that she stormed off on her own afterwards. Tifa wanted so badly to go after her, but she knew that it was not her place. As much as she hated to acknowledge it, the only person that stood a chance of reaching her in that mental state was Cloud and that was precisely why Tifa had urged him to go after her.
It had been obvious that Cloud was upset about the encounter with Hojo as well. He was still fuming over the scientist's taunts, but seemed more upset by how callously he'd treated Lightning. After the scientist retreated and Lightning ran away, it took all the power that both Tifa and Aeris had to stop the blonde from going after the greasy haired man and pulling the flesh from his bones. As much as it had pained her to let that psychopath off the hook, she'd known that Cloud's attention was needed elsewhere.
Both Lightning and Cloud had been missing for hours and Tifa was worried. The others had finally made it to the inn and had begun to ask questions about the blonde and pinkette's whereabouts. Tifa, not wanting to divulge any information in regard to Lightning's current mental state, pretended to be oblivious and offered to go look for them. After following breadcrumbs of clues, she finally managed to track the two of them down at the pier.
As she silently approached them, Lightning's voice became audible over the waves and Tifa found herself paralyzed by the conversation that she was overhearing. Lightning was describing her hometown, which she referred to as Bodhum. Tifa knew that no such place existed on this planet, and she'd begun to wonder if the Mako Poisoning had caused the pinkette to go mad and fabricate the entire thing. The conversation continued to become even more ludicrous as Lightning mentioned planets called Cocoon and Pulse, and Tifa was just about to make her presence known when Lightning mentioned the name Serah.
Tifa didn't know of anyone by that name, but she'd heard Lightning say it in her sleep countless times since the group had rescued her from the Shinra Headquarters. That person, whoever she was, seemed to be the focal point of all of Lightning's nightmares. Her curiosity ended up getting the better of her, so she decided to duck down behind a bench and listen to the rest of Lightning's story.
At first it felt odd listening to Lightning and Cloud converse about this world of Lightning's as if it were a real place, but somehow, learning the truth about who Serah was made all of the nonsense that Lightning was spewing seem a bit more believable. The thought that Lightning could have originated from another planet had seemed a little farfetched, but it did explain a lot, like her pale pink hair and her foreign military uniform. It also explained why she used a strange weapon that seemed to be beyond the technology of this planet and why she hadn't known what mako or materia were. In fact, the longer Tifa thought about it, the more the crazy notion made perfect sense and she quickly realized that her eavesdropping had helped her locate a missing piece of the puzzle that was Lightning.
As interested as she had been in the conversation before her, Tifa had known that she was not meant to hear it. She was beginning to feel very guilty for spying on them and so she'd decided to sneak away before either of them could notice her. However, just as she'd begun to silently retreat, the conversation took an aberrant turn, which once again, rooted Tifa to the spot.
'Why did you come after me?' Lightning suddenly questioned as her mako eyes studied the blonde in anticipation of his reaction. Tifa had already known this answer. Cloud had gone after Lightning for the same reason that they all decided to go. She was a member of AVALANCHE and they couldn't just walk away while one of their own was in trouble. It was the pinkette's second question that really caught Tifa's interest. 'Why did you care so much about what happened to me, or whether I lived or died? And why do you care now?'
Lightning seemed to have been fishing for an answer to the same question that had been nagging at Tifa for a long time. Cloud was a nice person, and although he'd never openly admit it, he cared about the well-being of the people he trusted and considered friends. His true feelings had always been hard to read, and so he was often misunderstood as being cold or uncaring. This had never seemed to be the case with Lightning though. From the very beginning, he'd been very upfront with his concern for her well-being and Tifa didn't understand what made her so special to him.
Tifa had no trouble admitting that she had feelings for Cloud. She loved him and probably always would. He'd been there her entire life. They'd grown up together and when he left Nibelheim, he'd promised to come back to her. She'd known that Cloud had a crush on her and that his dream of joining SOLDIER had been devised as a way to impress her. What Cloud didn't know, and what she was unable to express to him at the time, was that he didn't need to run off to Midgar and become another Sephiroth to impress her; she liked him just the way he was. Maybe she was scared or maybe it was because she wasn't ready for a relationship, but that night at the well when he told her that he was leaving, she couldn't seem to find the right words to stop him. Now, not a day went by where Tifa didn't reflect on that night and wonder how differently their lives would have ended up if she had only spoken up and convinced him to stay.
It seemed as if the silence had stretched on for eternity while Lightning and Cloud stared at each other through the darkness. Lightning refused to relent as her mako eyes glowed fiercely, but then Cloud did something that was surprising. Instead of speaking, he wrapped his arm around her, pulled her in to him, and then gently kissed her forehead. Time seemed to slow down and Tifa's stomach knotted up painfully as she awaited Lightning's response. The action seemed to have surprised the pinkette as well, but instead of pulling away from his embrace, she allowed herself to sink into it.
That moment confirmed everything that Tifa had suspected. It validated Cloud's feelings for Lightning, and based on her receptiveness to his actions, it was easy to conclude that she had feelings for him as well. Tifa thought that her world would have ended with this realization, but instead, it kept right on spinning; and although it had been her deepest desire for Cloud to show her the same kind of affection that he had shown Lightning earlier tonight, she found that she wasn't upset by what had happened right in front of her.
She loved Cloud, and more than anything, she wanted him to feel the same way about her; but she knew that he didn't and probably never would. Something had changed during his time away from Nibelheim and now he could no longer see her as anything other than a friend, or at very best, a sister. She wanted him to be happy; he deserved that much, and if being with Lightning achieved that, Tifa had no choice but to accept it.
Tifa sighed as she stared at the dark image of the pier from her beach chair. The memories of what she'd witnessed there earlier tonight had been the very root of her sleeplessness. She knew that she couldn't change what had happened between Cloud and Lightning on that pier and she knew that she was powerless to stand in the way of their budding relationship. As much as she hated to admit it, the two of them had an undeniable chemistry, and they would likely end up together regardless of what she did to intervene. If she wanted Cloud to finally find the happiness that he deserved, she had to be supportive and allow him to pursue it … even if that meant watching him fall in love with someone else.
The smell of coffee filled the inn the next morning, and Cloud opened his eyes to see a few of his friends already up and about. The clock nearby read 05:25 and Cloud let out an exasperated groan at the realization that he had just lost thirty-five minutes of precious sleep. Normally, he was one of the first to wake, but today he fell behind nearly all of his comrades.
Aeris and Tifa were in the kitchenette sipping on coffee. The flower girl looked as chipper as ever as she talked excitedly, but Tifa looked tired and run down as if she hadn't slept at all. Barret's bed was empty and untidy, but the burly man was nowhere to be seen. Red was also missing from the group, and Cloud could only assume he'd gone out on his morning hunt. It seemed that the only people aside from himself that remained in bed was Lightning, who was also beginning to stir and Yuffie, who'd pulled her pillow over her head in an act of defiance.
Cloud was happy that the others were motivated and ready to leave the coastal town behind; however, their rare enthusiasm wouldn't get them very far this morning. The sun would not be rising for another hour and the roads were too dangerous to travel by night. This made losing that thirty-five minutes of sleep seem even worse in Cloud's eyes.
Normally, he wouldn't fuss over such a small and insignificant amount of time, but he was particularly tired this morning. He was uncertain if it was the alcohol that he'd consumed the night before that was making him feel overly lethargic right now or the fact that he and Lightning had only returned to the inn four and a half hours ago, or possibly a combination of both. Either way, he was not very happy about losing what little sleep he had been allotted and apparently, neither was Lightning.
He heard her curse under her breath as she tossed her blanket aside and swung her legs over the side of the bed. He was slightly surprised to see that she had shed her white overcoat at some point during the night and now only wore her brown-cropped sweater and skirt. This was the first time that he'd seen her this underdressed since their time in Kalm, and while there was nothing overly revealing about her outfit, he found it hard to look away. Her usual attire, although simple in design, did nothing to flatter her body and instead made her look very lean and muscular. Although the missing sleeve and shoulder pauldron made her muscles look even more defined than usual, the absence of the jacket showed off her feminine curves, making her appear strong yet beautiful.
Cloud continued to watch her in wonder as she rummaged underneath the bed to retrieve her belongings, and his heart nearly stopped in his chest when she glanced up and caught him staring at her. He fully expected her to give him an earful for that and he felt so guilty about it that he would have readily accepted it, but instead of ripping him a new one, she simply shook her head and gave a slight chuckle to herself before resuming her activities. He didn't really know how to react, so he tore his eyes away and began putting his own armor back on.
After he was fully dressed, he got up and began to make his way to the bathroom. He hoped that taking cover for a few minutes would be enough to help him escape the awkwardness, but as he pushed the door open, he found that he'd walked right into another awkward situation. Inside the bathroom, Barret was dressed head to toe in his sailor's uniform and appeared to be checking himself out in the mirror. As the door thumped against the wall, he spun around with a look of horror glued to his face and Cloud let out a loud laugh.
"The hell you doin' bargin' in on people in the bathroom?" the dark-skinned man demanded angrily.
"Why are you wearing that?" Cloud laughed as he studied the man up and down.
"None of you' damn business!"
"Did you sleep in that?"
"So what if I did?" Barret questioned. "This thing's comfortable and I didn't have any pajamas."
"There's nothing wrong with it," he agreed, "but you'd better not let Yuffie see you in those, or you'll never hear the end of it."
Cloud decided to give the burly man his peace in the bathroom, so he decided to head to the kitchenette for a cup of coffee. Lightning had beat him there and as soon as he walked in, she extended a red mug for him.
"Black, right?" she questioned.
"Uh... yeah," he nodded as he took the steaming cup from her. "How'd you know?"
"I have a good memory," she replied. "…and I take mine the same way," she added with a slight laugh before walking away.
"She seems like she's doing much better today," Tifa remarked as she poured herself another cup of coffee. Now that she was closer, Cloud could see the dark circles that were painted under her eyes. The imperfections in addition to the steady stream of coffee that she was ingesting did nothing but confirm his earlier suspicion that she hadn't been to sleep.
"Who would have thought that Cloud could be emotionally supportive?" Aeris joked as she nudged Tifa playfully on the arm. The martial artist gave a half smile before quickly turning her attention back to her mug of hot coffee. "Anyhow, she seems a bit lighter today, so whatever you said or did must have gotten through to her."
Whatever I said or did? He wondered as the memories from the previous night flooded his mind.
Cloud had been so angry with himself for letting Hojo speak to Lightning the way that he had, and he hated himself for not killing the man on the spot, damned the consequences. Cloud should have gone after her immediately, instead of letting her walk away to face her demons alone. All he could see at that moment was red; anger, revenge, blood, and a greasy haired scientist's death. However, in his rage, he failed to see that Lightning needed him, but luckily, Tifa and Aeris hadn't been so blind.
He'd searched for Lightning everywhere, but she'd kept moving almost as if she were literally running away from something. He'd just about given up finding her until he popped into the bar and the bartender tipped him off about a 'very depressed pink haired woman' that had just left. When he returned to the streets, he knew that she could have only gone in two directions, either to the beach or back to the inn. For some reason, he knew that she wasn't ready to face everyone else just yet, so he headed towards the beach. As soon as he reached the bottom of the steps, he saw her pale pink hair shimmering in the moonlight as she walked out onto the deserted pier.
Cloud hadn't given any thought whatsoever as to what he was going to say to Lightning, and his worst fear was that she'd reject him just as she had in Kalm. She tensed up slightly at the sound of his heavy boots, but quickly relaxed as she figured out to whom they belonged. He was relieved that she hadn't outright rejected him, but her short answers to his questions and refusal to talk about what was bothering her seemed to suggest that she was trying to. Maybe Lightning was too strong and proud to be helped after all.
Cloud had given up on what he felt like was a lost cause and decided to leave her to her thoughts, but then she did something unexpected—she asked him to stay. As he turned around and saw the pain and conflict in her eyes, he knew in that instant that she needed him and just didn't know how to express it. It was hard to describe what that realization did to him, but in that moment, he knew that there was no place that he'd rather be than by her side.
They sat side by side for at least an hour as they passed that ridiculously large bottle of Vodka back and forth and stared out at the sea. Lightning seemed to be just as tortured as when he'd found her, and he wondered how long the two of them would continue to sit in silence. Cloud was just about to attempt conversation again, but Lightning seemed as if she had read his mind and finally began to open up. He was unsure if the alcohol had finally loosened her up or if she had simply decided to trust him, but he didn't care. All that mattered to him was that she was finally talking.
The conversation turned south very quickly as Lightning explained how Hojo had made her feel, and Cloud felt his heart shatter into a million pieces when she described how much pain he'd inflicted on her and how she thought that death was her only escape. He'd felt responsible for what had happened to her and the guilt had been eating him alive from the very moment that he realized that the Shinra had taken her. If only he had kept her closer, he could have protected her and none of this ever would have happened.
Silence filled the air for a second time between them, as they both seemed lost for words. Cloud was determined to keep her talking, so he asked the only question he could think of—he asked her about Bodhum. Even though the subject was a sore one for her, he figured that it might do her some good to talk about it; and he was rather curious to learn more about her and the mysterious world she came from. His request seemed to have caught her off guard, but to his relief, she agreed to talk about it.
The conversation once again took a negative turn as the subject shifted to thoughts of Serah. It was easy to see that Lightning was beating herself up over the mistakes she'd made with her sister in the past, and Cloud hated that there wasn't anything that he could say to comfort her. He could have told her that everything would be fine or not to worry because she'd get the chance to fix her mistakes, but that would have felt like a lie. In truth, he didn't know if she'd ever get the chance to return to her world or if she would ever see her sister again.
Lightning was very intelligent and he knew that if he tried to fill her head with false hope, she'd see right through it and would probably become even more depressed. Instead, he decided to reassure her of things that she already knew. He didn't know this 'Snow' character and he knew that Lightning had never been very fond of the man, but he also knew that there was no doubt in her mind as to whether or not he loved her sister or how far he would go to keep her safe. As much as she detested the man, this simple reassurance appeared to make her feel a little better. She seemed to realize that even though she couldn't be there to watch over her sister, she could take relief in knowing that someone who loved her just as much was still there.
There was nothing that Cloud could have said that would've ease Lightning's sadness over the prospect of being stuck in this world forever. Therefore, he did the only thing he could think of and offered more reassurance—reassurance that he would try his best to get her home, but if it wasn't possible, he wanted her to know that she'd never be alone and would always have a home with them. That comment, while wholeheartedly true, made Cloud feel very guilty. He'd meant every word of it, and that was the problem. He realized with that statement that he didn't want Lightning to leave; he wanted her to stay. His thoughts instantly made him feel despicable and he began to hate himself for being so selfish.
His statement seemed to have lit a fire within Lightning. He could see something stirring behind her eyes, and he prayed that she hadn't seen his words for exactly what they were. She continued to stare at him with her mako infused eyes—eyes that until very recently, he'd viewed as monstrous. However, the eyes that were now staring at him did not come from his own reflection; they came from Lightning, and there was nothing monstrous about her.
'Cloud?' she began nervously. '…Why did you come after me?'
'What?'
The question had caught him by surprise and it honestly took him a second to figure out to what exactly she was referring.
'When the Shinra took me…" she clarified, sensing his confusion. "…I wasn't anything at all to you, and yet you risked your life to rescue me. Aeris told me that you carried me all the way to Kalm and then didn't leave my side until I came around. Why did you care so much about what happened to me, or whether I lived or died? And why do you care now?"
Cloud had been asking himself the same question for quite a while now and still hadn't been able to make sense of it, but as soon as the words escaped from Lightning's lips, it seemed as if a million answers bombarded him from all directions and suddenly he understood.
The truth was he'd felt drawn to Lightning since the very first time he'd laid eyes on her. At first, he summed it up to curiosity because of her odd appearance and unusual weapon, but rapidly discovered that it was much more than that. She was different from everyone else he'd ever known; she was special, unique. He quickly realized that he liked everything about this woman from her strategic mind all the way down to her dry sense of humor. He admired her strength and the way she carried herself on a daily basis, and somehow being around her managed to ignite a confidence within himself that he thought was long dead. He liked having Lightning in his life and knowing this amplified the desire to protect her.
After the Shinra took her, it seemed as if his world had once again turned dark and cold. He needed Lightning back in his life again, and he was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. He was ready to take on the Shinra and every single soldier employed under them if that's what it took to make sure she got out of there unscathed, but unfortunately, he'd arrived too late. He remembered the feeling of his heart as it shattered into a million pieces that night when he found her in Hojo's laboratory, and he realized that he'd failed her just as he'd failed everyone else in his life.
Lightning had somehow managed push through Hojo's experimentation, but Cloud knew that the chances of her survival after being exposed to that much mako were somewhere between slim and none. Still, he couldn't bring himself to leave her behind. He held on to the glint of hope that she would somehow make it through and one day be herself again, but if things went terribly wrong—well, he could at least give her a proper burial.
Cloud carried her all the way to Kalm and even though she was completely unresponsive, he never left her side. He wanted to be there for whatever happened next, but he knew that he couldn't stay by her side forever; he would eventually have to leave Kalm in pursuit of Sephiroth. He'd talked with the innkeeper and had paid him a good sum of money to ensure that she was taken care of. The man agreed to personally look after her until the end of the week and then arrange for her passage to Mideel, where a well-known doctor that specialized in mako induced ailments resided. Cloud knew that this would probably be her best option for survival, but that didn't make abandoning her any easier. He'd begun to accept that he would probably never see her again, but on the eve of their departure, she did something that surprised them all—she woke up.
He'd vowed not to let any more harm befall her, but that didn't make his decision to leave her any easier. He knew that the journey that he and the others were embarking on would be perilous and he wanted to shelter Lightning from that, but she'd refused to hear it. She rejected his warnings and insisted on tagging along despite the dangers and the stress that traveling would put on her weakened body. He still didn't understand why she'd made the decision to travel with them, but at that moment, he promised himself that he would not fail her again. He wouldn't let her out of his sight and he would keep her safe.
Cloud had always felt drawn to Lightning, but the feeling seemed to amplify tenfold after rescuing her from Shinra. At first, he dismissed it as overprotectiveness due to his promise, but as time passed, he began to realize that it was much deeper than that. He didn't just want to be near her; he needed to be near her, as if some invisible magnetic force was constantly pulling him in her direction. It seemed that the only time that he felt truly content was when she was nearby; and when she was not around, he began to feel empty again as if something was missing.
Cloud wanted to tell Lightning all of this, but as he sat there on that pier, staring into her beautiful blue eyes, he realized that he wouldn't be able to. No matter how badly he wanted to tell her how he felt or how hard he tried, his nerves kept getting in his way. What would she make of all of this? Would she understand, or would she think he was crazy. The uncertainty of her response was killing him, but he couldn't just sit there all night staring at her. He needed to do something, to say something, anything.
The gravity between them had never felt this strong before and Cloud knew that he was dangerously close to doing something that might not be welcomed nor appreciated. He knew that he seriously needed to consider his next move or else he would ending up doing something that they both regretted after the alcohol had worn off. Instead of giving in to his impulse, he decided to satisfy it another way—he wrapped his arm around her, pulled her in and kissed the top of her forehead.
From the very moment he touched her, it felt as if every cell in his body had come to life and was now reaching out, trying to pull her closer. He'd never felt a sensation quite like this in his life, and to be honest, he never wanted it to end. He thought for sure that she would pull away and the moment would be over just as quickly as it began, but she didn't. Instead, she welcomed his embrace and rested her head on his shoulder.
Cloud felt like he could have stayed on that pier with Lightning for the rest of the night, but he knew that the others would soon come looking for them. They'd been gone for far too long and it was very late. He knew that the last thing that he wanted to do was to put Lightning or himself in a position to explain something they'd only begun to explore themselves, so as much as it pained him, he ended the moment and suggested that they head back to the inn.
'…and Cloud…about tonight...' she'd begun as she turned around to look at him with eyes full of conflicting emotion. He thought for sure she would tell him that what had happened between them had been a giant mistake or that she'd take the easy route and blame the alcohol. He'd waited for her to say something along these lines as she battled the conflict within, but the words never came. Instead, she simply said '…thank you'.
The scene from the previous night rapidly faded away as Aeris playfully waved her hand in front of his face. Snapping back to reality, he realized that he'd been staring at the pinkette on the other side of the inn as she tidied up the small bedroom area. As he took a sip of his coffee that was now cold, he couldn't help but wonder how she felt about what had transpired the night before. She'd allowed herself to experience the moment, but he was unsure if it had truly meant something to her or if it had only been a moment of weakness.
Yesterday, Lightning had spent her entire day running away from Costa del Sol, but her heart felt a little heavy as the seaside town disappeared behind her this morning. The small town had been brimming with painful reminders of her hometown and of her sister, which only added to her ever-increasing depression over the very real possibility of being stuck in this world forever. The place did nothing but amplify her sorrow over the loss of her family and her home, but it had also been the closest that'd she'd felt to them since arriving on this planet. She knew that her grief would have consumed her alive if she had stayed another day in the seaside town, but she hated the thought of willingly walking away from the only piece of her previous life that seemed to exist in this world.
The shock of properly taking in Costa del Sol for the first time had been almost too much for Lightning to take. The pain had been so intense that she didn't think that anything in the world could rival it—that is, until a voice spoke up from beside her on the beach. She'd never seen his face before, but she would never forget the sound of his voice. She'd known that she'd eventually have to face the demon that had physically tortured her and had nearly killed her in the process, but she never imagined that it would have been so soon and in the one place that reminded her of her home. In retrospect, it was hard to determine which of the two hurt worse: recollecting the pain of being physically tortured by Hojo or the pain of being reminded of a home and family that were more than likely lost forever.
Although the seaside town had stirred some unpleasant and painful memories, she couldn't honestly say that her entire experience had been bad. She could have done without the haunting memories, but facing them had been necessary for what happened next. If she hadn't been drowning in a slow spiraling whirlpool of depression, she and Cloud would have never ended up on that pier together and they would have never shared the moment that they did.
The more she reflected on what had happened, the more muddled her thoughts became. While Cloud's actions the night before had confirmed his feelings for her, they also contradicted them in a way; and she was unsure what to make of the whole situation. It was evident that he cared for her; however, she was still unsure what exactly that meant. Did he regard her as a very close friend, or were his feelings stronger than that? She'd been leaning towards the former up until this morning when she'd caught him staring at her as she was dressing and then suddenly the scale seemed to tip in the other direction.
For some reason, she was having a difficult time imagining Cloud having romantic feelings for anyone, let alone her. His gesture had been so sweet and innocent and she'd loved every second of it, but if Cloud really did have romantic feelings for her, she honestly would have preferred if he had just kissed her. At least then, she would have known for sure how he really felt, instead of being left to wonder what was going on inside that spiky head of his.
Lightning swore that she wouldn't let her mind go there, but she found herself there anyway as she pondered her own feelings about the blonde. She enjoyed the moment that they'd shared the night before and was a little sad when it ended. Despite the fact that he'd only done it to comfort her, she realized that it was one of the very best moments of her life; she'd never felt as content or at peace as she had while in his embrace. She'd accepted the fact that the whole thing was probably just a one-time occurrence between them, but she wondered how she would feel if it were to happen again.
Right now, her feelings about Cloud were blurred. She could discern that she cared about him, but she couldn't seem to push past that to see what was on the other side. She knew that she loved Serah because she was her sister. She knew that she cared for Hope, Sazh, and the others because they were her friends, and she extended that same feeling to the members of her current group. The only person that didn't seem to fit neatly into either of these two categories was Cloud.
She knew that she didn't care for Cloud in the same way that she cared for Serah and she knew that she never would, but tossing him into the other group didn't feel right either. They had been through so much together, so it was hard to assign him the same status as everyone else in the friend category. She knew that he was special to her, but she couldn't figure out what exactly that meant. Processing her feelings had never been easy, and these feelings had been pushed to the surface so quickly that she wasn't sure if she could make sense of them, but she knew that she had to try. If Cloud truly felt this way about her, then she owed it to him to at least attempt to make sense of her own feelings as well.
The main problem with sorting out her feelings for Cloud was that she'd never had any experience in this field and had no idea what any of it was supposed to feel like. Since she'd devoted herself to her military career, she'd never had time for a personal life. Every waking second of her day was spent trying to become the strong and successful parent that Serah deserved, so she'd never even considered the possibility of letting someone divert her attention away from what she felt was most important. To be honest, the idea of being open and vulnerable with another person seemed strange and a little terrifying to her, but she supposed that if she were to take that dive, that she would want it to be with someone like Cloud.
Being forced to grow up at an early age meant that she was ever able to experience the same things that other girls her age did, so she didn't know what it felt like to have a crush or to sit around and fantasize about the type of man that she wanted to marry when she was older. Although she was never able to think about these things, she did know that whomever she ended up with would have to possess a certain set of qualities. He would have to be strong, kind, and selfless; the two of them would have to be compatible: he would have to understand her and possess an inordinate amount of patience; and finally, he would have to accept her and all of her flaws, even when she was at her worst. This seemed like an impossible list, but the more she thought about it, the more Cloud seemed to fit the bill.
It was quite frustrating to know that Cloud potentially had romantic feelings for her and seemed perfect for her in every way, and yet she still couldn't sort out her own feelings for him. It seemed that for once in her life, something really good had landed in her lap, and she had absolutely no idea what to do with it. She wished that she could push the issue from her mind for a while and come back to it later on, but for some reason, she couldn't stop thinking about him. It felt strange to admit that the blonde had managed to secure his own personal residence within her mind, but he'd actually been there all along and she just hadn't realized it.
In truth, Cloud had seized her attention from the very first moment that she'd laid eyes on him. She had never seen anything quite like those deep blue eyes that stared back at her aboard that train bound for Reactor no. 1. She quickly found herself hypnotized by them and it seemed nearly impossible to pull away. It was almost as if the two of them connected in that brief moment, and as she gazed into those deep blue orbs, she could see his very soul staring back at her; and who she saw on the inside seemed to be much different than who he appeared to be on the outside.
Everything about the mysterious man seemed to captivate her, from his unnatural glowing eyes to the way he handled himself in battle. Jessie had warned her that he was a former SOLDIER operative, and had even given her a description of what exactly that meant, but Cloud was very different from what she had imagined. She'd almost expected to meet someone similar to the PSICOM elites, but Cloud had even managed to put them to shame. The way he moved in battle and the way he handled that oversized sword with ease seemed to put him in a different class entirely, and the only power in human form that would even stand a chance at rivaling his was that of a l'Cie.
She remembered being so enthralled the first time she saw him in battle that she'd nearly lost her life because of her own carelessness, but in this moment, she got a glimpse of who Cloud truly was. If he had been the heartless killing machine that he was pretending to be, he wouldn't have cared whether she lived or died. Instead, he'd risked his own life to save hers. Lightning never understood what had happened to cause this change in him, but now she couldn't help but wonder if he had felt the same connection that she had felt on the train, and if this had been his driving force all along.
From that moment on, it seemed as if the universe was trying its hardest to push the two of them together. For example, she could have ended up on either side of that platform in Reactor no. 5, but she just so happened to end up on the same side as Cloud. It could have just as easily been Barret or Tifa that fell into the slums that night; instead, it was her. This one pivotal moment seemed to change just about everything for Lightning, and she wondered how differently her life would be right now had she not fallen from that Reactor with Cloud.
She couldn't bring herself to regret her decision to go on the mission that night or even the result of ending up in the slums with Cloud. If none of it had happened, the two of them would never have gotten the opportunity to get to know each other or become as close as they had. It was arguable that Jessie might still be alive if she had been in Sector 7 to protect her. However, if she and Cloud hadn't fallen into Aeris' church, and then gone into Don Corneo's mansion looking for Tifa, Cloud wouldn't have learned about Shinra's plan to collapse the pillar; and Lightning may have died alongside the others while trying to defend Sector 7.
As that thought passed through Lightning's mind, she instantly reflected back on her conversation with Cloud outside of Fort Condor when he'd suggested that she had been sent to this world for a reason. As she considered this possibility, she couldn't help but wonder if there was someone or something behind everything that'd happened after all. Perhaps it was possible that Cloud had been right and everything that'd happened so far had done so by design. If that was the case, it almost seemed as if whatever Lightning's new focus was somehow included the blonde.
Everything that'd happened to her so far on this planet had somehow involved Cloud, and it was getting harder to shake the feeling that something was trying to push them together. The idea seemed crazy, but Lightning was all too familiar with the feeling of being manipulated by higher powers. Not so long ago, she and her friends had all been pushed together to become the instruments of Cocoon's demise and none of them had the slightest clue that a Cocoon Fal'Cie had been pulling the strings all along. Having gone through it once before made Lightning a little more open to the possibility that something was manipulating her and Cloud, and she couldn't deny the feeling that it was for a greater purpose.
This theory explained why the two of them always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and if everything was true, then whoever was orchestrating the whole thing was trying to force them to bond and to trust one another so they could better serve whatever purpose that was in store. That much was evident, but it still did nothing to explain the feeling that she'd experienced the night before or why she'd enjoyed it so much.
While it was true that she'd felt drawn to him since the very beginning, the attraction had only seemed to amplify after she'd woken up in Kalm. At first, she thought that she had chosen to travel with the group in order to be close to the only people on this planet that she knew, but now she was beginning to realize that it was her desire to be close to Cloud that kept her tagging along. As odd as it sounded, she felt as if she needed to be near him and it bothered her not fully understanding why. Blaming it on whatever deity or external force that was now calling the shots seemed like the most logical answer, but Lightning knew that this couldn't be true. These beings could control the world around them, but they had no power over humans and could not manipulate their feelings and emotions.
With that last thought, Lightning began to realize that perhaps the moment she had shared with Cloud the previous night had been holding the answer that she'd been searching for all along. She may have only been brought to this world to be restrung as a puppet alongside Cloud, but she was positive that nothing could have made her feel the way she had felt the night before. She was confident that her attraction and feelings for Cloud were real and had been since the very beginning, and she was certain that whoever was in charge was not responsible for any of this. She knew that the happiness and sense of comfort that she felt with him had come from within, and no external force could have ever made her feel something as strong as that. Finally admitting that she had feelings for the blonde was the easy part. The hard part would be figuring out what to do with them.
A/N: Hey there… so sorry about the delay. This chapter flowed very smoothly up until Lightning's section and then it fought me every step of the way. Normally, I breeze right through her parts, but the struggle was real this time around lol. Anywho, I hope that it turned out all right. I really felt like this 8,300ish word inner monologue chapter was necessary after the last one. We had a really big moment between the Cloud and Light, and I felt like we needed to explore how our 3 main characters are feeling about everything that just happened. This was actually the first time that I'd written Tifa, so I hope that I did a decent enough job. I normally stick to Light and Cloud, but I may start adding a few of the others in there as well just to keep it fresh.
As always, my eternal gratitude goes to Wolf for reading over this and listening to me complain. I really don't know what I'd do without his support! Thank you to all of the readers, new and old. Thanks to everyone who has followed / favorited the story (If you haven't already, please do so. Things are picking up and you don't want to miss something good!), and a very special thank you to everyone who took a few minutes out of their busy day to review chapter 19. Sometimes I feel like a beggar that's holding up a sign saying 'will write for reviews', but I swear they are the best motivation. So yeah… if you're feeling generous and would like to let a girl know how she's doing, please take a minute and drop a review. I love to know that you all care enough about the story to leave feedback :)
Hope you all have an amazing week… Love you!
Lady A