Hey everyone, welcome back! Hope you all enjoyed the last chapter.
Review numbers were a bit low last chapter, but I'm not sure everyone was alerted about the update as I didn't receive an email about it myself. So just make sure you've read the last chapter before this one otherwise you'll be confused ;)
But of course I would still like to thank those that did see the update and reviewed; eliley, ct522, cjmgirl, and jennibrolawrence i'm glad you all enjoyed the chapter, it's always great to hear feedback
And as always a big thanks to my beta reader ct522
Quick disclaimer - none of the characters etc belong to me, they are property of the amazing Suzanne Collins
Happy reading!
The journey to the Capitol was agonizingly quiet. Everyone still seemed to be adjusting to the shock of saying goodbye to our loved ones; it was all beginning to sink in now. We were going to war. The hovercraft took us to Twelve first, I could see the pain etched on Gale's face as we arrived in the district. I could only imagine my face displayed the same kind of emotion. It was hard to walk through the district so objectively, it wasn't my home anymore. The only way it could ever be home again was if we got Snow. I had to focus on the job I had to do if I was ever going to live my life again. We were all packed into a cargo car, most of the soldiers spent the days of our travel in and out of sleep. Nobody was able sleep more than a couple of hours solidly at a time and the days slowly crept by as no one had the guts to start a conversation. Once we were within reach of the Capitol we took to one of the mountain tunnels inside and take the six-hour trek on foot. At the end of our trek we finally reached the rebel encampment which was made up of a ten-block stretch outside the train station. Walking past the station filled me with the painful memories of the times Peeta and I had been brought here. Only this time I had come alone, I didn't have him here to support me. Little had I known the first time we'd arrived together that years later I would be craving his company.
As we set up our tents members of our squadron slowly began talking to each other. It was almost possible to feel the relief between us all as conversation began to flow again. We had all had the time to grieve; it was now time to set our minds on the task ahead. Cressida and her team had been assigned to following our squadron around. During the first couple of days we showed them how to shoot approximately on target – at least then they wouldn't be defenceless. We spent a lot of time shooting things that didn't even matter – just to throw the Capitol off our scent. As the days dragged on the frustration began to grow within our squadron. We at least thought we would be doing something substantial if we were going to be filmed. Even when a star-shooter was needed from us, Gale, Finnick and I were never chosen.
"It's your fault for being so camera ready," I smirked at Gale, sensing the anger radiating from him after he was ignored yet again.
"I shouldn't even be part of this," he huffed. Me and Finnick were victors; he had just been dragged into the camera's eye by our friendship.
As the realisation sank in that we may not be doing much for a while I began to focus on my true reason for being in the Capitol. I wasn't going to be distracted from my goal; I didn't trust anyone else to take Snow down. Each of us was given a paper map of the Capitol and I spent many hours staring at it, hoping to somehow remember each street. Our commanders were each given a Holo that produced images similar to the hologram Plutarch had shown us back in Thirteen. They were far superior to my paper version. I realised if I was going to have any hope of navigating through the Capitol, I was going to have to take Boggs' Holo from under his nose. I wasn't immediately hopeful.
On our forth morning I began to realise the severity of our situation – as mediocre as our missions seemed, our lives were still at risk. I realised this when Leeg 2 hit a mislabelled pod, releasing a sunburst of metallic darts. One instantly found her brain and she was dead before the medics could reach her. Plutarch promised us a speedy replacement but I know none of us wanted it. We worked together as a team, and you couldn't just replace a member. Instead of fighting the decision however, we spend the night in an uncomfortable silence. One of our squadron had died, this wasn't playtime anymore. If I wasn't careful something similar could happen to me and my jaunt to the Capitol would have been worthless.
The following evening our replacement arrived. I forced myself to look sharp even though I wasn't interested in the slightest – the new addition was just another person who could hinder our progress as a squadron. I soon found my attention multiplied as he strolled out of the train station. The first thing I saw was a familiar head of blonde hair – heavily mussed from the journey from Thirteen. My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach as his unmistakable blue eyes looked up from the floor and locked onto mine. He had a gun loosely swung across his shoulder and clearly had no manacles or guards around him. Did Coin have no idea how stressful this situation would be for him? Peeta could barely catch my eyes as my glare darted between us all; someone had to have an answer for this.
"What is he doing here?" I spat, trying to ignore the confused look Peeta was giving me as I obviously avoided talking to him. Seeing him here just made me feel even worse about how I had left things between us – we weren't supposed to see each other so soon.
"I have no idea," Boggs frowned deeply, trying to keep the anger out of his tone. "I have to go make some calls."
"There's no point." Peeta piped up, although Boggs still continued what he was doing. "President Coin sent me herself. She decided the propos needed some heating up."
I felt the anger rise at Coin. I'd had to work so hard to gain my place on the squadron; Johanna hadn't even made the cut. Yet Peeta had failed his mission in the Block, and hadn't been deemed mentally stable by Dr Aurelius. There could only be one reason she would send him here, and it wasn't for propos.
"You shouldn't be here Peeta." I let out an anguished sigh. This was the last thing I wanted, I was fighting for Peeta to be safe, so he could have a better life and prove Snow he was better than what the Capitol had reduced him to. If he had an episode while out on the field anything could happen to him. I felt the uncomfortable stabbing pain in my chest at the thought, there was no way I was going to let anything happen to Peeta – I'd kept him alive during two Hunger Games. Yet how was I meant to seek out Snow if I had to keep my eye on him?
"What if you try and kill one of us?" Gale snapped, I hadn't even noticed anyone else's reactions within the squadron. Gale looked furious, he found it hard to be around Peeta and I knew he didn't trust him. As I looked over at Finnick however, he seemed almost calm as he eyed Peeta. He had always had faith in Peeta's recovery – he must've thought this meant a turning point for him.
"That's not what I meant," I sent Gale a sharp look as Peeta tried to conceal his wounded expression. I would never jump to the conclusion that Peeta could hurt us. He was so much better than he had been, but this could just undo all his progress. "I need to talk to Peeta alone." I barked, quickly crossing the distance between Peeta and I and pulling him away from the group. I made sure to ignore anyone's comments as we went. This was not a conversation I was going to have in front of everyone.
"You don't look very happy to see me," Peeta forced a small smile. Now wasn't the time for joking, things were already awkward between us without the influence of a war taking place.
"Why are you here Peeta?" I asked lightly, I wasn't trying to be harsh. I had just worked so hard to allow him a better life – for him to just turn up in the worst place possible.
Peeta stared me out for a long time, as if trying to locate the source of my hostility. He let out an exasperated sigh before running his hands through his hair. "I wasn't lying when I said Coin sent me, I don't know why she did to be honest. I just couldn't sit in that hospital ward doing nothing when I have been given the opportunity to help."
"You know it's not safe for you here," I groaned, it wasn't safe for any of us with Peeta here – Coin knew that. I had a feeling her motivation involved getting rid of a certain Mockingjay.
"It's not safe for you either, but you're here." Peeta snapped, I was shocked by the change in his tone but I could tell he was fed up of being treated delicately because of his episodes.
"You know what I mean," I sighed loudly, what was I supposed to do now? "You were meant to be away from all this." I murmured under my breath.
"How easy do you think it is to sit back and do nothing while the person you care about more than anything is risking her life?" Peeta's eyes bored into mine, in that moment I realised I'd have done the same. I was all Peeta had left; I couldn't blame him for trying to cling onto that in any way possible. I knew how it felt to be stuck in that district while someone you cared about was kept far away.
Without thinking I threw myself into his chest, it was unusually hard with the heavy duty clothing he was wearing but I didn't care. I needed to be close to him. Every moment like this had to be a good one; our hours together could be numbered. Peeta wrapped his strong arms around me, holding me close as he sighed into my hair. His relief in my change in attitude was obvious. "I'm sorry for the way I left things," It was only now that I realised I'd have never forgiven myself for leaving without making up with Peeta. I felt the tears brimming in the corners of my eyes but refused to let them fall. I couldn't let people think I was weak while I was out here.
"It's okay Katniss; I know I was pushing you too much. I was just so scared about you leaving." I pushed Peeta away from me so I could look into his eyes. I hated how he always managed to blame himself for my actions.
"When will you understand?" I laughed lightly; Peeta stared at me in confusion. "The only reason I did all that, and the reason that I don't want you here, is because you mean so much to me."
Peeta's smile grew as he chuckled under his breath. "Only you could display affection the way you do."
Boggs looked furious as he returned from his calls. I had only just finished familiarising Peeta with our camp and the members of our squadron he wasn't already acquainted with. He eyed Peeta cautiously, obviously thrown by my trust in him considering it was my life Peeta would be threatening.
"Jackson, I need you to set up a two-person, round-the-clock guard on Peeta." He commanded.
"That's not necessary." I added quickly, "I'll stay with him. He's not a threat."
"Katniss, I know you trust Peeta. But it's for his own safety as well as ours." I could tell Boggs wasn't going to budge on his decision, but it didn't mean I was going to let guards hover over Peeta if I was with him. I could feel Peeta shifting uncomfortably from where he was sat beside me. I couldn't imagine being spoken about as if you didn't have an opinion was a nice feeling.
"So, why does Coin want me dead now?" I asked sharply, trying to shift the conversation onto a topic which was more pressing in my opinion.
"She denies she does." Boggs answered simply. I believed he didn't know any more, but it still didn't give me any answers.
"Well you must at least have a theory." I probed; someone with inside knowledge like Boggs must know what her motives were.
Boggs stared me out for a few minutes. Unsure how to approach his answer. I cocked an eyebrow in his direction, showing my impatience – "I needed to know the truth."
"It's no secret the President doesn't like you." Boggs began, I nodded along. I was fully aware of the fact and could easily say I returned the emotion. "It was Peeta she wanted rescuing from the Arena, but no one else agreed." As much as I disliked the woman, I could agree with her on that. I'd have been much happier if Peeta had been rescued instead of me. I could feel Peeta tense beside me and I placed a hand firmly on his knee to try and calm him down.
"So is that the only reason?" I asked doubtfully, Coin wasn't a warm woman, but surely wanting to kill me for that reason alone was a bit extreme.
"No," Boggs sighed. "After the war, a new leader will have to be chosen. Your support will be greatly influential in that decision. I think the President is highly aware that she's not your favourite person." Now I could see why she wanted Peeta rescued, he was much more influential than me and a better public speaker – he would be a great ally in rallying support for her leadership.
"What does this mean then?" If Coin didn't want me back alive, why put me on the team I'd be least likely to be attacked in? Was one of our squadron members going to make sure I didn't get home alive – or was Peeta her only weapon?
"Nothing," Boggs answered simply, looking round our squadron who all nodded in agreement. "I plan to make sure you have a long life." I looked at him questioningly, what did Boggs owe me? I suppose I was young, and a high profile figure to the rebellion. But I couldn't see him putting his life on the line for mine. "You've earned it." He nodded sternly before walking away to discuss strategies with the other squadron leaders.
We all fell into an uncomfortable silence. Coin was trying to kill me. If she succeeded in making Peeta a weapon he'd never be the same again. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind, Peeta wouldn't hurt me, and even if he had an episode we outnumbered him easily.
"Katniss, we won't let anything happen to you." Gale had crossed the distance between us and I almost jumped at his presence. I hadn't even noticed. I shook my head angrily; I needed to be alert –not dwelling on our Presidents motives.
"Or Peeta," Finnick added quickly, nodding towards Peeta who smiled thankfully towards him. I felt more relief at that statement. I didn't want Peeta being treated as the enemy; I cared more about him than myself. I noticed Jackson had begun scribbling something down on a piece of paper and walked over to her.
"What are you doing?" I asked lightly, I wanted to focus on what tomorrow would bring. Hopefully Jackson was doing something productive that could occupy me.
"The rota's for Peeta's guard." She answered unreservedly. "Don't worry; you're not going to be on guard."
"And why not?" I asked sharply, I would always be beside Peeta so there was no point trying to keep us apart.
"I'm not sure you could really kill Peeta if it came to it."
I felt the anger seeping through me at the thought of anyone in our squadron aiming a gun at Peeta. "It won't come to it," I snapped, killing Peeta wasn't an option. "No one will even get close to killing Peeta, I will hurt anyone who so touches a hair on Peeta's head!" I spat, spinning round to address everyone. Finnick nodded eagerly, Gale even complied without hesitation. I just had to trust the others to comply. Peeta sent me an anxious glance from where he was still sat, although I could feel the gratitude radiating from him. I felt my anger seep away as his blue eyes found mine. I was going to make sure no one hurt him.
A few hours later I managed to coax Peeta into a restless sleep, he would be no good to us in the morning if he was still tired from his journey. Everyone else was either settling in for the night or keeping themselves company. It was in that moment right before sleep when the war began to sink in; I could've sworn the previous night I'd heard Leeg 1 crying in her tent after the death of her sister. Night time was when the grief settled in, whether it was the actual pain of losing someone, or the realisation that your loved ones were impossibly far away. I had to admit, this particular night was the least painful I'd experienced. Having Peeta with me had brought some relief; I had it much easier than a lot of rebel soldiers. I was fighting with my friends and had been reunited with Peeta. I dreaded to think how it would feel after a day of seeing Peeta in the field.
I took the opportunity to pull out the paper maps I kept stored in my pocket. I stared at the roads for what felt like the millionth time, I needed to make sure I could navigate around the Capitol to reach Snow. The likelihood of me gaining a Holo was becoming slimmer, I couldn't imagine taking it from Boggs now I knew how much he was sticking his neck out for me – plus I knew he wouldn't give me the opportunity. I was interrupted abruptly when Gale sat down next to me. I hastily tried to fold the maps back up but he just chuckled lowly at me.
"I know what you're up to Catnip." He smiled lightly and I found myself rolling my eyes. Of course Gale would've noticed my preparations. We'd hunted together for years; he was more in tune to my actions than I sometimes was myself. "Have you told lover boy what you're up to?" I could see the daring glint in his eyes as he asked. The answer was obvious.
"No, he can't know." I said firmly, ignoring Gale's obvious jibe at mine and Peeta's relationship. Peeta needed to stay with the squadron where he was safe, not navigating the Capitol on my suicidal mission to find Snow.
"You're not planning on leaving me behind too, are you?" He asked. Honestly I'd wanted to do this myself, no one else needed to be put in danger. But I knew how much Gale had wanted to fight in the war, and having my hunting partner with me couldn't be a bad thing.
"I can't stop you from coming." I wasn't going to say I'd be happy him risking his life to come with me. But I'd rather him come along quietly than make a fuss.
After my conversation with Gale I made my way back to Peeta's tent, excusing Boggs from his watch. I didn't want anyone standing over me and Peeta as we slept. Now that the night was quieter it was easier to hear gun shots ringing throughout the Capitol. Every time a loud sound filled the night Peeta would jump in his sleep. I hated to see him so vulnerable; it reminded me of how he had fallen apart in the Block. The sinking feeling returned in my stomach at the thought of him in the field, he wouldn't be able to cope. I opened the top of his sleeping bag slightly so there was just enough room for me to climb in next to him without making him stir. It was a tight fit, but I didn't care. I wanted the opportunity to be close to him. His arms instinctively wrapped around me and held me close to his chest. It was easy to forget, just in that moment, why we were really here.
Peeta woke several times in the night, panicked and covered in sweat. Each time I had to reassure him that I was near and he would soon fall to sleep. The last time he woke up however, was much worse. He bolted upright, bringing me with him as I was still encased in the sleeping bag alongside him. His head snapped round to meet mine, his eyes wild and full of confusion.
"Peeta," I murmured tentatively I couldn't tell where he was going to go with this.
"Katniss," He gasped. His arms began flailing around, desperate to get out of the confines of the bag. He touched me several times before patting the floor around him.
"Peeta, what is it?" I asked quickly, grasping his wrists softly in my hands to keep him still. "It's not real, whatever you dreamt isn't real."
"Oh, Katniss," he sighed, his body relaxing and he began to lean into my side. "How can you sleep here at night?"
I tried not to mention that my nightmares had been back with a vengeance since my arrival here because they would never compared to the trauma Peeta would feel while he was here. Instead I chose to console him the only way I knew how. I reached up to lace my hands through his damp hair and pulled his face down so my lips could reach his. They brushed together lightly at first, both of us welcoming the feeling after what felt like a lifetime since our last kiss.
"I'm here, you don't have to worry." I whispered, my breath caressing his lips before he rushed forward to claim my lips hungrily. The heat between our bodies intensified as we pulled each other closer with each touch. Our tongues twisted together eagerly with a hasty passion we hadn't shared before. The heat within the tent was becoming unbearable and I found myself tugging Peeta's shirt off. I took the moment to gaze at Peeta's torso; my face began to flush as the light layer of sweat began to glisten against his skin. I felt the hunger overcome me and I was upon his lips again. Only this time I clambered onto his lap, my legs straddling his hips.
"Katniss," Peeta gasped suddenly as my hands explored his bare skin. At the break in contact I began to explore his neck and collarbone with my lips, enjoying the irregularity in his breaths each time I caught a sensitive spot. I didn't know what had overcome me, I just knew I was going to make sure Peeta knew how much I cared before anything could happen to either of us. Peeta's hands soon found the end of my shirt and he fingered the material hesitantly, meeting my eyes for a second as if asking for my permission. I quickly nodded, I didn't want him over thinking the moment – or giving myself chance to. Slowly, Peeta lifted my shirt up over my head – with the care that only Peeta could possess in this moment. I felt my cheeks redden as his eyes quickly darted over my topless body. I silently thanked Cinna for all the under garments he had given me or I'd have been bare to Peeta's gaze. Noticing my discomfort, Peeta slipped his hands onto my hips and pulled me close to him again. As his lips descended on mine again I found myself glad, if only for a moment, that he had been sent out here.
"I love you," he managed to get out in-between our frantic kisses. I tried to ignore his words; it hurt too much to think of Peeta's love for me. I didn't know how to describe my feelings for Peeta, all I knew is that I cared about him, and the thought of losing him made me want him in ways I'd have never expected. So he didn't dwell on the moment, I let my hands trail down his chest until they found the soft hair leading down into his trousers. My fingertips played against the skin just above the start of his bottoms with the sudden urge to sink them beneath the material. Before I had chance to act out my needs, Peeta softly grabbed my wrist and pulled my hands away from him, breaking the skin on skin contact between our chests and making me shudder in the suddenly icy air.
"Katniss, we can't. Not now." He sighed, his eyes bore into mine with such angst I knew it was hard for him to say the words.
"Why not?" I demanded. He'd always wanted this, why would he deprive himself?
"I don't want it to be like this, not with you." His eyes were pleading with me to understand. But I couldn't, he'd rejected me when I'd practically thrown myself at him. What more did he want from me?
"How else is it supposed to be?" I snapped, "I thought you'd want this. You're supposed to love me."
Peeta quickly clasped my face between his hands as I tried to turn away from him. The way I was still sitting in his lap wasn't helping the situation. "I do love you, but you don't love me Katniss." The sadness radiated from his eyes and I felt the stabbing pain in my chest. Hearing it so bluntly made me realise how hard it was for Peeta to be with me. "You'd only regret it in the morning." He murmured lowly.
I questioned the statement for a moment, would I regret it? I cared about Peeta, and everything in my body had ached for me to be with him. But he was right – this wasn't the time. I couldn't even get my head straight with how I felt, and now I was trying to devour him in the middle of a war zone. I was a mess.
"I don't know what came over me." I forced myself to look Peeta in the eyes. "I really do care about you Peeta."
"I know," he let a small smile play over his features before he leant forward to kiss my forehead. "Let's not talk about it anymore. We both need rest before tomorrow."
I tried to ignore the gut wrenching pain in my stomach. I wanted us to just stay in this tent tomorrow, if Peeta was put in harm's way I didn't know how I'd react. But as he lay back down in his sleeping bag I couldn't resist the urge to climb back in next to him. I was going to take advantage of these moments together, because I was going to be leaving Peeta – he just didn't know it yet.