"Y'know, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery," said the Joker loudly at breakfast the next day. "But I don't really think it is. I think it's just unoriginal losers being pathetic copycats because they can't come up with any good ideas of their own."
"Maybe it's just because we're such good role models, Mr. J," said Harley, beaming at him.
Joker ignored her. "I don't appreciate people stealing my style, especially not Professor Lame here. And frankly seducing the doctor and making her your sidekick has been done, Johnny, and done better. I broke Harley's mind so effectively that I can beat her to a pulp and she still fawns over me. Can you do that to your henchwench?"
"I wouldn't want to," snapped Crane. "I love her."
"You're just saying that because you couldn't," retorted Joker, smugly. "Nah, I'm sorry, Johnny, you're still pathetic even if you have got a girlfriend."
Crane ignored him, casting anxious glances at the door to the cafeteria. He hadn't seen Jackie since they'd been dragged in the previous evening, and he was terrified that she might not be allowed to join the others. Maybe her father would order her confined to her cell…
But he let out a sigh of relief as the door opened and Jackie entered. She smiled at him as he raced over to her and hugged her tightly. "Love," he whispered. "Oh, my beautiful, beautiful love."
He gazed at her tenderly. "Have you slept? You look tired."
"I've never…um…slept very well here, even when I was little," she murmured, rubbing her eyes. "But it's fine…I'll get used to it. You don't look so great yourself, Professor," she said, smiling at him.
"I was up all night worrying about you," he murmured. "I kept wishing there was some way for me to break out and join you in your cell, just to hold you and comfort you…"
"You just wanting to hold and comfort me would be a miracle," said Jackie, grinning. "I know what you really wanted, Johnny."
He laughed, kissing her. "I can't deny that it's been difficult to go an entire night without seeing you," he murmured, stroking her hair. "We must break out of here. And soon."
She nodded, and then took his hand, walking over to the breakfast table. The Joker, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Two-Face, and Jervis Tetch all looked up at their approach. Harley beamed.
"Hi, Val! Glad you're one of us now!" she exclaimed, gesturing to a seat next to her. "It's so much nicer being on this side of the glass, isn't it? I certainly prefer the company," she said, snuggling against Joker.
"So do I," agreed Jackie, beaming at Crane. "And yes, it's…um…good to see everyone again. I wasn't that comfortable hiding our relationship from all of you, but I guess the cat's outta the bag now."
"I told you all I wasn't lying!" cried Joker, triumphantly. "Maybe in future you'll believe me."
"When Bats dies," retorted Ivy.
"I believed ya, puddin'," sighed Harley. "My big, bad, strong lover is always right, yes, he is," she cooed, kissing his cheek.
"Harley, we found them in the janitor's closet," retorted Joker. "If you hadn't believed me, you would have been even dumber than I already think you are."
"Mmm, I love it when you talk dirty, puddin'," she sighed. "Speaking of the janitor's closet, you wanna give your Harley girl a deep clean?" she whispered, kissing him.
"Oh, Jesus Christ, Harl, just cool it, would ya?" he snapped, shoving her off him. "Y'know, there's a stereotype about guys being obsessed with sex, but in my experience, the dames are worse. You, the Plant Lady…"
"I think Harley and I just have healthy libidos," retorted Ivy. "But then they say as men get older, their sex drive starts to malfunction, so I blame your age. And the fact that you're nuts."
"That can't be the reason – Johnny's insane and older, and you can't turn his drive off," said Jackie, calmly.
Everyone turned to stare at her and Crane, who flushed scarlet. "My dear…" he began.
"Seriously, Harley, you don't know how lucky you have it," continued Jackie, ignoring him. "Johnny's relentless, and he's too cute to refuse, but you're always sore in the morning."
"Or maybe you're just really attractive to guys, Val," said Harley. "What's your secret to being irresistable?"
"I don't know," retorted Jackie. "I don't think it's anything I do – I think this one here is just trying to make up for all the time he lost. Plus he's a filthy old man," she whispered, leaning forward to kiss him. He was blushing bright red.
"Can we change the…" he began.
"So you get more than one go outta him?" pressed Harley. "I mean, Mr. J's sometimes in the mood for it a few times, but it's a rare thing. I always used to think it was because he was older…"
"Oh no, this one here can go all night," said Jackie, beaming at how embarrassed Crane was at the horrified looks he was getting from the table. He clearly wanted to crawl into a hole and die. "And he will, unless you make him stop."
Harley glared at Joker. "Why can't you be more like Johnny, puddin'?" she demanded.
"Because I ain't a repressed freak who's never had sex before!" shouted Joker. "I got better things to do with my time than try to satisfy some insatiable little blonde floozy!"
"You're a lucky gal, Val, to have a guy who wants you that much," sighed Harley. "He must really love you, huh?"
"Yep. That's why I married him," sighed Jackie, kissing him.
Harley had been drinking a glass of milk, which she abruptly spat out when she heard these words. "You're married?!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah. Couple days ago," murmured Jackie, smiling and holding out her hand to show her the wedding ring.
"Why wasn't I invited to the wedding?" demanded Harley.
"We didn't invite anyone – it was a really small affair in front of a justice of the…"
"Aw, I'm never gonna get to go to a wedding!" cried Harley angrily. "Forget always the bridesmaid, never the bride – I ain't even gonna get to be a bridesmaid! Red ain't getting married!"
She suddenly picked up her glass and threw it at the wall. "How could you do this to me?!" she demanded, furiously. "Have a wedding and not invite no one – it's beyond rude! It's offensive! Didn't you think other people might wanna share your special day?! Don't you have any consideration for your friends' feelings?!"
"Harley, it was our special day," reminded Jackie. "And we didn't want a big ceremony…"
"You nuts?!" cried Harley. "You got married! You're a couple now, forever and ever! Both of you made a vow to commit to each other for eternity, and you don't think that's worthy of a big celebration?! You must be crazy, Val! I'd want everyone in the world to know that puddin' loved me enough to marry me, and was gonna make me Mrs. Joker forever and ever, til death do us part, amen!"
She burst into tears. "But you don't care!" she sobbed. "You're cruel and heartless, and you don't care about my feelings, just like Mr. J! I hope you feel guilty about this, Val! I ain't never gonna forgive you! Never!"
She sobbed and rushed from the room. Everyone stared after her, and Joker sighed. "Yeah…Harley's got kinda a thing about weddings. You think maybe one of these days I'd just indulge the poor kid and marry her, but I ain't the kinda guy who's under my dame's thumb, unlike some people, eh, Johnny?" he chuckled. He made a cracking-the-whip noise and gesture, smiling at Jackie.
"Aren't you going to go see that she's all right?" demanded Crane.
Joker repeated his noise and gesture. "I'll go, Johnny," said Jackie, rising and kissing him. She left the room.
"Well, congrats, Professor Casanova," said Joker, grinning at him. "Maybe you can join the men's club after all."
"I wouldn't be comfortable playing poker with him," muttered Two-Face, eyes fixed on his food. "Got a bunch of disturbing images in my head now."
"Aw, c'mon, Harvey, I'll bet you're a real Don Juan too," chuckled Joker. "When you and the Weed Lady were dating, I'm surprised you ever got out of bed."
"Yeah, she was real demanding…" began Two-Face.
"Me?" interrupted Ivy. "That's not the way I remember it."
"Oh, c'mon, Pammie, you were impossible to satisfy," growled Two-Face.
"Maybe by you," she retorted. "Maybe that was the problem."
"You calling me crap in bed?" demanded Two-Face, standing up.
"You said it, Harvey, I'm just agreeing with you," retorted Ivy, smiling smugly.
"Take it back, you dumb bitch!" he shouted, rushing at her.
"Fight, fight, fight!" cackled Joker, watching the ensuing punch-up and giggling madly until the guards dragged all three of them back to their separate cells, leaving Crane and Tetch alone.
"Congratulations," said Tetch quietly, not looking at him.
"Thank you," said Crane. "I did want you to be there, Jervis, but you were locked up, and I didn't want to wait for the law to recognize us, just in case something happened to me during the…"
"No, I understand," he murmured. "I wouldn't have waited to marry the girl of my dreams either. I wish you both every happiness, Jonathan."
He stood up, about to leave. "No, Jervis, wait," said Crane. "I've…behaved very badly toward you throughout my whole relationship. But it was difficult, you know, having to hide it, and trying to cure myself and…well, I can make excuses all I like, but it doesn't excuse the fact that I should have been open and honest with you about it. If I could trust anyone, I could trust you. And I want you to understand that my marriage doesn't change anything between us. There are people who neglect their friends in favor of their partners. But nothing on earth will ever diminish our friendship, Jervis. I value you so much, and I always will. Please believe that."
Tetch turned to look at him. "When your world is nonsense, you have very little to cling on to, you know," he murmured. "That's why I need tea time precisely at six every day – I cling onto my routine. In madness, it's the only thing that makes sense. Our friendship never made sense to me, Jonathan. I can't imagine why anyone would want me as a friend."
"Well, you've always been my intellectual equal," replied Crane. "The only person who can truly understand the depths of my mind. And you…listen. You're there for me, and loyal, even through all the ridiculous trials we both have to face. I know…you truly care about me, and you were the first person to ever do that. I will never forget what it was like when I first realized I had a friend. And you do make a very good cup of tea, you know. And that talent cannot be overemphasized."
Tetch smiled at him. "Would you and your lovely bride be interested in joining me for tea tomorrow?" he asked. "Then we would be three at tea, just like the Mad Hatter, and the March Hare, and the Dormouse. It would be quite perfect, except we'd be missing Alice. But then I am always missing Alice. There is not much to be done about that."
Crane stood up, holding out his hand. "We'll be there," he said.
Tetch took his hand, shaking it slowly, and then embraced him fiercely. "I'm so happy for you, Jonathan," he whispered. "Truly."
"Thank you," said Crane, hugging him back. "So am I."