Chapter Twenty one
[Jade]
The tears never stop. They blurred my sight as I drove home and made me a living hazard to anyone in my surrounding. Not even the pillow, from the sofa, now pressed against my face, can stop the flood that drains me. I sit curled up in the corner of the sofa in our living room. I am accompanied with a coffee table filled to the brim with empty wine glasses and a few bottles. I haven't had the energy or the will to clean it up so therefore no one has done it.
It has begun to darken outside. The dark sky eats up the light that is pressed down at the horizon and the cold light falls in through the great windows and reflects against the labyrinth of glass walls and casts glittering light spots all over the living room. I have been sitting paralyzed the whole afternoon, cramming myself into the corner of the sofa. I still feel dirty and soiled. Something about this morning wasn't right at all and it still haunts me.
I drag myself to the bathroom and turn on the shower. I get undressed and, as I drag my hand through my ruffled hair, my eyes catch a glimpse of myself in the full body mirror hanging on the bathroom wall. I haven't watched myself in the mirror in days and the sight of myself shocks me. Big dark blue circles drag my eyes down and tired and reddened eyes look back at me. I'm a mess and I feel mucky. For some reason I have this huge impulsive desire to wash off ever trace of Beck off of me, as if he has defiled me.
I step in under the running water and the hot water jets press against my skin, soaking me. I let the water cover me and clean me up. The warm water creates steam on the shower walls made out of glass and I drag a finger across the glass door and make a line that disappears as soon as I make it. I let the pure water rinse off the dirt I feel upon me. But I fear that the dirt and soil is inside of me… The hot water turns cold without a warning and my skin turns instantly into ice. I turn the water off and sigh. I hate when we run out of warm water. If I were to decide, which I'm not, I could shower for hours. Besides the annoying fact that I hate getting puckered fingers because of the water, small raisins like on a child or an incredible old woman. I step out of the shower and dry myself with a towel as big as a small country before I take on my pajamas (it's just a big t-shirt). Before I walk out I give myself one look in the mirror to make sure that the water cleared up my eyes and that it's now less visible that I have cried nonstop for hours.
With heavy steps I walk to my bedroom and throw myself onto the bed where I allow the tears to continue down my cheeks. Beck is constantly appearing for my inner eye and it makes me shiver with discomfort. It's not the same and it scares me. What I have always known is now unknown and unfamiliar. And why is it so…?
I open my eyes and look up to see my phone lying on the bedside table. I guess that I have gotten even more texts and missed phone calls from Tori by now. I don't know why but a part of me hopes that I have. It makes me warm that she won't give up on reaching me. I begin to think that the reason that it doesn't click between me and Beck any more is because I can't let go of Tori, can't ignore the way the slightest thought about her makes me feel. It makes me feel warm, loved and special…
I reach out for my phone and enter my pass code. And as I expected, four new missed texts and two new missed phone calls from no one less than Tori. With a warm heart I open the latest text.
Please Jade, call me back if you read this.
My lower lip begins to shiver and I clench my teeth to prevent the unstoppable, knowing the feeling all too well.
It will never turn back to normal, not now. I know that from what happened today. Let me admit it, admit what I for so long have tried to deny. They say that you first have to decide for yourself before you can make a deliberate choice about anything in life, maybe not for everyone around you but at least for yourself.
I turn to my back and stare up at the ceiling out of dark hardwood and close my eyes before I take a deep breath. Reluctantly I whisper out to the emptiness in my bedroom "I'm falling…" Determined, I open my eyes as I become resolute "… for Tori…" It would be a lie to tell that those words that lifted, from my almost motionless lips, didn't hurt. I stare blankly up and both fear and relief fills me. I'm frightened because what it might mean, to love Tori… the girl I have hated (but secretly always admired deeply) for so long.
But I can't leave Beck. No, my nerves are too week and I know that I'm too afraid of the unknown and of being left to my solitude. Trust… what is that?
Fuck sake Jade!
I flip over to my stomach and I tilt my head. My eyes get caught by my cell phone, clenched in my right hand. I turn on the sound on the device in hope to hear when Tori calls or texts me (which I so desperately hope she does). My eyes are dry and I have a compressive stomach ache, a mixture of nervousness, guilt and fear. I feel how I lose my grip around reality as I slowly drift off...
Brrrrrr!
Brrrrrr!
Brrrrrr!
The vibrating phone, still tightly grasped in my hand, drags me back to the darkness of my room. I peer with my eyes towards the dazzling bright screen as the familiar tones of my ringtone rings out. I begin by checking the top part of the screen, 18:36. Then my gaze travels down over the screen as it still vibrates in my hand. I sigh and answer, just to hear an ever so happy voice.
"Hi Jade!" Cat's never to be down is she?
"Hmm…." I grunt out behind sealed lips as I clear my throat.
"Oh sorry… Did I wake you or something?"
"Yeah, you did." I say as loud as my voice can bear, which is still not louder than a whisper.
I can hear how Cat begins to twist unsure on the other end and how she mumbles something I can't register.
"What do you want?"
"Well… I just wondered if you wanted to follow to Karaoke Dokie on Wednesday."
"Did it ever cross your mind to ask me tomorrow at school?" I ask a bit bitter as I begin to stretch out my free arm and turn over in my bed.
"Well I just came up with the idea and didn't feel like waiting." She answers, sounding a bit ashamed but yet incredible happy.
I don't feel like seeing anyone. I want to hide behind a rock in a forgotten forest where no one can find me, not ever. But maybe my line of thought will have changed until Wednesday. Because I figure that I might as well go to school tomorrow. And seeing people might make up my mind a bit, turning everything to as normal as it can under the circumstances I'm in. I mean, I have been missing school a lot lately and that's not good since I actually care about my studies. I want to become an actress more than anything and therefore I can't afford ditching school again. If I do I won't have the slightest shot in participating in the Christmas play. I ponder about Cat's offer for a while…
"Tori will be there… and she asked if you were going." Damn it!
"Will Beck come…?"
Cat tries to escape the question but I continue to repeat it until she replies. "… yeah…" She says with a vague voice.
The reason to go is definitely Tori. And the reason not to do so is unfortunately Beck. But maybe it might be good for me to see them both at the same place outside school. But on the other hand it might will be too much pressure, too much to handle. On the contrary though, it is on Wednesday which means that I have time to back out if I feel that I need to because of my cowardly personality. "I'm coming."
"Great!" Cat's relieved voice sings a goodbye before she hangs up and leaves me with the monotone tone honking in my ear, reminding me that I'm all alone.
Warmth that I haven't felt in days is noticeable deep inside of me. I feel the desire to see Tori and now even more after my talk with Cat. Okay sure… I think I'm falling for Tori. See I'm admitting it, I should be proud over myself. But it's not normal to feel this way about a girl. I like boys, I have always done (I'm not sure about that either). Well I'm not sure about anything ever really. But there is something about Tori, something that no one else has... the ability to make me feel safer than anyone can. I should only feel relieved now, right? Now when I think that I'm slowly coming to terms with my feelings. But instead it hurts, so fucking much…
A/N: Yay, Jade is making progress! Slow progress, but progress nevertheless.
Reviews are as always very welcome.