CHAPTER 20: I Won't Say Goodbye
A/N: Guest from 8/13/15: I can't respond to you directly, so I will do it here. Lexa actually always had a plan to counteract the poison. I only alluded to it, as I didn't want to really reveal it, but Nyko always knew what the poison was, because it was a grounder poison, and because Clarke had stolen it from his work bench at the Ark when she first saw her mother again. He had the antidote, and he was prepared to administer it, if Clarke didn't return to save Lexa herself. Indra knew of the plan as did Mordecai and Malachi. As a matter of fact Malachi was sent to pick up Abby, who knew to be ready to assist if something went wrong. Hope that clears a few things up, and thank you for your review!
A/N: Lit. Dragon: Seriously sign in! ;) So glad you enjoyed it! And I think this chapter especially starts to really show Clarke's character. Hope you enjoy.
Lexa heaved herself up and out of her throne, almost throwing her body down the dais. She shook in rage, and clenched her fists as she looked around at the havoc in her tent.
Clarke was still crouched in front of her, and Octavia was holding Raven back who was screaming and threatening Ryder. Nyko stood just behind Ryder, both hands gently resting on his biceps, to keep him from backhanding the yelling girl. Abby and Indra were facing off again, Abby completely red in the face as she poked Indra in the chest repeatedly. Indra stood there glaring at the Fisa, but with her hand wrapped tightly around the hilt of her sword as she fought not to draw her sword and simply run the annoying Skaikru through. Luna, Sebastian, and Kellan had distanced themselves from the fray, and while Sebastian's face gave away nothing, Luna looked worried; and Kellan simply watched.
"SHOF OP!" roared Lexa as she stood there, her body trembling with the effort to not simply throw herself at them all, "Get out! All of you! Get out! NOW!" she roared again as she pointed to the tent entrance.
Abby and Raven immediately started to protest, and Lexa glared at them, stabbing the air with her finger. "No, Go!"
Octavia grabbed both Abby and Raven's arms, "No, we need to leave now. Before this gets really ugly. Trust Heda," and Octavia tugged on their arms, and they reluctantly turned and followed the rest out.
She was gratified that they all immediately shut their mouths and started to leave, but the anger and tension rolled off of them in waves, and she gestured briefly for Mordecai, who came quickly to her side, "Make sure they don't kill each other. Separate them if necessary, and have Malachi stay with Abbi. Send for Marcus Kane." Mordecai nodded and slipped out the tent behind the rest.
She stood there in the sudden deafening quiet of the tent. She couldn't bring herself to look down at Clarke, who still hadn't moved. She could feel her muscles straining under the harsh lines of her anger, but she could barely control herself as the cold seeped into her chest. Again. She thought the cold had finally been driven out. But it was back, and this time, she didn't think it would ever leave.
She took a deep breath and another, trying to get herself under control enough to speak without screaming at the blonde, "Do you know what you have done? Do you?! They have heard your confession, Klark! They have witnessed it! It can't be undone! They didn't know about the poison! I could have kept it a secret! They would not have fought me when I offered leniency," she bit out. She unclenched her fists and raised them to cover her face. Her words were muffled behind her hands, "But now they know the truth, and because you confessed, they are bound by our laws, Klark." She dropped her hands from her face, the tears stinging her eyes, "Get up, Klark. Please."
Clarke slowly rose from her kneeling position, leaving the daggers on the floor. Her hands hung loosely by her sides, and she gazed at the young Heda, willing her to look at her, but she refused. She reached up and gently clasped Lexa's hands pulling them away from her face, but not releasing them. She stepped closer, so there was little space between their bodies, and she searched wet green eyes.
"Yes, but it's the only way, Lexa. You know this. You have to punish me under Trikru law, or there will be a war. This coalition cannot fail. If it does, the clans will descend upon my people and ravage them, and then fight over their bones. And your people cannot afford a war, Lexa."
"No, there is another way. There won't be a war. I will stop it. The other clans didn't know about the poison. I could have hid it, Klark!"
"No, Lexa, you couldn't. You aren't thinking rationally, Lexa. We spent all day in this tent, we weren't out there hearing what was being spoken, but after I returned to my tent, I went to see Raven. I heard them, Lexa. They were muttering about your 'sickness.' It was suggested that I had done something to you, that the Skaikru were breaking the alliance."
Lexa raised her hand in a futile attempt at stopping the blonde, not wanting to hear the truth, not wanting to admit what Indra had warned her about, but Clarke plunged on, ignoring the silent pleading in Lexa's eyes.
"Lexa, Raven said she has heard rumblings that the Skaikru are free for the taking. They can't withstand the other clans. You can't stop this war and let me live. The Ice Nation will come for my people. Lexa, my people have guns and well, we have Raven. Raven, Lexa. Raven who blew up a damn bridge! You know what will happen if our guns and Raven fall into the hands of the Ice Nation. They will gather the clans and bring this war to you no matter what."
Lexa grunted and tried to pull back from Clarke, ready to argue that her people could afford a war; and she would go to war, but even as she opened her mouth to say it; she knew it was a lie.
"No, Lexa. You know this needs to be done," and Clarke felt the tears burn her eyes, "look at me. Please, Leska?" And Lexa had no other choice but to look into Clarke's eyes, and she felt herself fall into endless blue, and it welcomed her and embraced her. Lexa couldn't help but smile through her tears, when she realized that Clarke's eyes, while still shadowed in pain and guilt, no longer burned with a god's madness. Instead, something a lot like peace, something that felt so much like love, stared back at her.
"I don't think I can do this. I'm not strong enough to let you go again. I'm weak, Klark! Please!" implored Lexa as she shifted and pushed her body into Clarke's, welcoming the strong arms that came immediately embraced her, and tucked her into the blonde's body.
They stood like that for a moment, holding each other, ignoring the sounds of the camp outside. Here for a brief moment, they were safe, and nothing could touch them.
Clarke reluctantly pulled back enough to look at Lexa, "Leska, this has to be done. You once said that being a leader means telling our warriors to go die for us, that victory is built on the back of sacrifice. I have sacrificed my people enough, I brought this threat to their door. This is my doing. My fault, and now it is time to be the leader you always said I could be. My death will stop a war." She placed her fingers across Lexa's lips, silencing her even as the brunette was shaking her head, ready to argue. "Leska, this is both my punishment and absolution. By saving our people, yes, OUR people, Leska; maybe I can finally balance all of the blood I've spilled. If this coalition fails, then what I did at the mountain means nothing. Fox, Maya, all those who helped us," she felt the tears burn her eyes and she bit back a sob, "the children. Their deaths will mean nothing, and they have to mean something. Their deaths need to have served a greater purpose. I owe them that. I owe them, Leska."
Lexa choked back a sob and pushed her body back into the blonde's again. She knew she was right, and she hated her for it. She hated herself for it. She buried her wet face into the crook of Clarke's neck, and hugged her harder, pretending for a moment that when she finally let go, she wouldn't be letting her go to her death. She pressed her salty lips to the pulse that pounded in the soft skin of Clarke's neck, and she slide her tongue across it, feeling it throb against her tongue. She sucked lightly and felt the blonde's pulse pound down through her own body. She couldn't help but smirk against the sweaty skin when she felt the blonde's low groan vibrate through her body. It was gratifying but bitter.
She pushed her hips hard into Clarke's even as Clarke was stepping back trying to untangle their arms. "No, Klark" she muttered as she scraped her teeth along her neck and up to her jawline. She wanted to lose herself in Clarke, wanted to forget that they were Hedas, and that the fog of war was rolling swiftly towards them.
Clarke closed her eyes tightly, her body quaking slightly under Lexa's onslaught. Her rational mind told her that she wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to let Lexa in and lay claim to her body, mark it, plunder it, and make it hers. But she knew what the next few days would bring, and when they tied her to the tree as they had Gustus, she wanted to remember what it would have felt like to rest in Lexa's arms, to feel her skin slide against her own, to taste her. She wanted to take that memory to her grave. So despite the niggling fear that this was too soon, that she was still too angry, she pushed her body in to Lexa's and kissed her hard on the mouth.
Lexa groaned at the feel of the soft curves pressing into her own, and with her arms still wrapped around Clarke, she gingerly maneuvered them into the inner room her lips still firmly nibbling at the blonde's. They briefly ended up tangled in the flaps, and Lexa finally wrenched them open with a huff, and mock glared at the chuckling blonde.
She shoved the blonde gently in the chest and was gratified that instead of fighting her, the blonde simply dropped down on the bed, and scooted back while managing to kick of her boots. Lexa was impressed with her finesse in doing so, as she herself clumsily yanked her own boots off. They grabbed at each other's clothing and buckles, ripping open belts between hard kisses, until they finally managed to rid each other of their clothing.
Lexa collapsed into the Clarke's open arms and simply lay there, her head on the blonde's chest, and she wanted to cry as she listened to the steady thump. She felt the blondes fingers soothe their way through the braids of her hair and heard the soft shushing from the blonde. She stirred and buried her face in the crook of the blonde's neck. She sighed wetly into the fresh skin, and she felt a slight shiver shudder through Clarke's body.
She pushed her upper body up slightly, balancing on her hands on either side of Clarke's arms and gently wiggled, pushing her hips down into Clarke's pelvis, "Open, Klark, beja." And she pressed down again while gazing into warm, blue eyes. She smiled when Clarke flushed a little, and she leaned forward allowing her lips to glide softly across the delicate jawline, stopping to nibble her way to that delicious pink mouth that was turned up at the corners. She pushed her mouth hard against Clarke's, scraping her delicate lips with her teeth. She caught the bottom lip between hers and gently sucked on it, then bit down, worrying it. She felt the blonde stiffen in her arms, and then Clarke's arms wrap around her shoulders and pull her closer.
The blonde breathed in the other girl's scent, groaning at the feel of sharp teeth worrying her bottom lip, the feel of the firm curves pushing into hers. Her intoxicating earthy scent glistening across her skin. She felt her resolve weaken as Lexa pushed again against her hips. Her intention had been to make Lexa work for it, but instead she opened her legs and sighed in contentment when she felt slim hips settle in the cradle of her thighs. She held her there gently between her thighs, enjoying the feel of Lexa's silky skin as it brushed against hers.
She slid her hands down the trim back, her hands bumping across what she could only imagine were scars and to the round bottom. She squeezed firmly, feeling the lithe body jolt into hers. She smiled wickedly at the trembling groan ripped from Lexa's chest, and she dug her nails in slightly, and Lexa surged forward pressing hard into Clarke.
Their noses bumped together and their lips slipped messily against each other, and Clarke felt a laugh bubble up in her chest, but when it ripped from her throat it was a choking sob, and she tightened her arms around the slim body pressed hard into hers. She felt the tears spill across her cheeks and tingle as warm breath puffed against her cheeks.
And despite the warm lips, or maybe because of them, that laid gentle kisses across her wet cheeks, she couldn't stop the sobs that ripped through her body, and she turned her face away, and she pushed against Lexa. Pushed her away.
Lexa felt the firm hands push against her shoulders, and she leaned forward against them, not wanting to let the blonde go, not wanting her to leave. But Clarke turned her face away, and Lexa felt the salt sting her eyes, and she carefully rolled off of Clarke, but she refused to let her go. Instead she rolled on her side, and pulled the lightly struggling form into her arms, wrapping both arms around her. She tucked her face into the back of her neck and simply refused to let go.
The candles had burned low in the tent by the time Clarke's shuddering form stilled and she fell into a restless sleep. Lexa had simply held her, and once she was sure she was asleep, she carefully got up pulling her clothing on and slipping out of the room.
She called for Mordecai and Linus giving them detailed instructions and then sent them away. She called to her general, and they argued briefly, before her general finally agreed with a warning, and then she too departed. Lexa then sent for Octavia and Lincoln giving them instructions before ordering them to ride away. And as she returned to the inner room, she smiled grimly when she heard the pounding of hoofs quickly fading in the distance.
They were running out of time.
She returned to her room and gazed down at the sleeping blonde. She was beautiful, probably had always been beautiful, but Lexa thought she was probably even more beautiful now with the tiny scars on her face, curtesy of her time with Anya. Trust Anya to always leave her mark.
She fingered the scar on the inside of her wrist, curtesy of Anya's blade when she had been a little too distracted one day in training. It had been Anya who had taught her to see the big picture, to look at the map and know her enemies' moves before they did. Anya had been fearless, even ruthless, but smart.
Gustus had tried to teach her temperance, but after Costia's death, even he had struggled to rein her. But in the end it had been his stalwart strength and the understanding in his eyes that had helped her put aside her quest for vengeance for the good of their people. He had believed in the coalition, was willing to die for it. Ironically, in the end, it was his treachery for which he died. Treachery that had been rooted in his love for her. It had made him weak. He had died for love. And perhaps that was why, to this day she knew he was still the strongest friend she had ever had, and that was why she bore his mark upon her skin.
She felt the tears burn her throat, and she prayed to whatever gods were left that this would work. Never had she needed Anya and Gustus' guidance as much as she did now. The coming days would require all of her ruthlessness, power, and cunning if she, her people, and the coalition were to survive. If Clarke were to survive.
She sighed and knelt down next to the bed, not wanting to wake Clarke, but not being able to resist touching her. She slid her fingers through the thick gold hair and smiled at the feel of it sliding across her skin. Her fingers twitched, and she imagined what it would feel like falling across the skin of her stomach or back. She smiled and pictured Clarke above her leaning down to kiss her, her hair tumbling down around her face, gently enshrouding them both, shielding them off from the rest of the world. She closed her eyes, and for a brief moment she felt the gentle kiss of long, gold hair swishing gently against her cheeks.
Her eyes flickered back open and tangled with sleepy, wet blue. She leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose, smiling gently at the roll of blue eyes. But her smile failed her and it trembled upon her lips, and she dropped her eyes, not wanting Clarke to read the fear she felt.
"I don't know if I can save you," she muttered brokenly.
"The time for saving is past, Leska. We do what we must." Clarke cupped both of her cheeks and forced her face up to meet her, "They are going to come for me. They will gather their courage, and they will come. They are going to take me, if you don't give me to them. If they have to take me from you, the coalition may still fracture." She pushed herself off the bed and on to the floor so she knelt in front of Lexa. She pressed her mouth hard to Lexa's. She bit lightly, just enough to bruise and break the skin, sucking harshly for a moment on Lexa's bottom lip. She felt the warm iron fill her mouth, and she greedily let it stain her tongue. It was a part of Lexa she would carry to her grave.
She pulled back and briefly admired the wet, plumb colored lip. Lexa narrowed her eyes at the blonde. No one was supposed to mark the Heda, but she felt it warm her chest, knowing that Clarke had wanted to leave a mark. But the smile faltered again.
"Call them, Alexandria kom Trikru, Heda of the Twelve Clans. Call them."
And the final pieces broke and fell into place, just as they were always meant, and Heda called the guards.
A/N: Stay with me! I know it seems hopeless, but I promise it isn't. Thoughts?