Chapter 21: ANG666L
Oh my sweet goddess,
You're a true demoness,
Looks of a seraph,
To disguise the Belial inside
She knows no mercy
My angel, she cursed me
After that horrendous night, things had gone very quickly. Piper had cancelled all her shows and photoshoots, Alex had booked the next flight that could bring them back to the States and, as if she was on autopilot, has been following Piper everywhere. When she would want her to be there, Alex would be, and when she would need time to herself, Alex would leave her alone. And it would be the only time she would get high. Promises had lost its meaning to her a long time ago, so she had vowed to herself to never use around her again. Eventually, that was the best thing she could do for Piper. That was the most selfless version of her. Because, as if she was on autopilot, a line would always find a way into her. Or she would sleepwalk right into her white haze.
In the past days, there seemed to be a label for their relationship. Friendship. They last time they had sex was when they had been in Paris and Alex had been the only one who had been struggling with her emotions. In those nights when the blonde couldn't handle her sadness and had been devastated and Alex had proved to be there for her, they had talked. Or rather, Piper had told her stories about her grandmother who really used to be this mother figure Piper would never find in her own mother and Alex had listened. And collected the pieces to put her together again as well as she could. And Alex had understood her. Cancer almost had taken her mother away, too. But unlike Piper who had been ignorant and hadn't known about her grandmother's ailment, Alex had been living with it for a long time, watching her mother getting sicker and more lifeless. And just like an observer, all she could do was looking through a glass, not being able to get through and save her.
However, Piper's grandmother had lost eventually. And Piper lost the only family she had. So she didn't need a lover, she needed a friend. And although Alex was apparently horrible at both of those two things, she tried.
Tomorrow would be the funeral and to give the model some space and rest she urgently needed, Alex was at her own apartment, about to go to bed after she had sucked a sleeping pill. It was beyond question that Alex would accompany her. Piper really needed her. This whole situation was all too familiar for her, she knew how the blonde was feeling. And seeing Piper like that just brought back memories she never wanted to relive again. She was tired, too.
As she was about to pull the blanket over herself, her cellphone vibrated. Without hesitation, she sat up and reached for her mobile. It wouldn't be the first time that Piper would call her late at night.
The caller wasn't Piper, though.
Leaning against her headboard, she answered the call. "Hey Nicky."
Due to her best friend's unknowingness, Nicky started teasing her instantly.
"Hey sasquatch, you two love birds still in the city of love? I gotta say, she's really pretty, I saw some pictures of you on the internet. Damn, Vause, who would've thought that you would keep up with a fucking supermodel! I always thought that they're just too vain and hollow for you. But then you fell for the best of them! Tell me, do they really eat cotton wool?"
"Now is not the right time to be a dick, Nichols," the brunette informed her and let out a sigh.
"What? Again trouble in paradise? Or still?"
To cut to the chase, she responded, "Her grandmother died."
As if her best friend needed some time to swallow all those snarky comments she had prepared, she eventually said with a more serious tone in her voice, "What? What happened?"
She ran a hand through her black waves and explained, "She got a call from her brother a couple days ago that their grandmother died of cancer. She was sick for a while but Piper didn't know and, yeah, that's why we're home again. The funeral is tomorrow."
"Fuck, that's some tough shit. I'm sorry… will you be there?"
"Yes."
Whilst she could feel how the pills kicked in, she rubbed her eyes and asked, "Why did you call? I mean, did I miss anything?"
"No, I just wanted an update on you and your love life but, how is she?"
"She's devastated, they were pretty close. And I think she's kinda blaming herself because she didn't know how sick she was and that she wasn't there. Her grandmother called her, the day before she passed away, you know? That's killing her."
Just like it had been killing Alex when she had to see with her own eyes how death had been trying to drag her mother away from her.
Sleep and potential nightmares were slowly embracing her that it shook her when Nicky said, "What about you?"
Seconds passed before she eventually replied, "What about me?"
"How are you doing? I guess this is some kind of dèjá-vu for you."
"Yeah but it doesn't matter… this is not about me, Nick. I gotta take care of her."
"I'm sure that's what you're doing but please, drop by as soon as you can, yeah? Maybe at the gym, Red would be happy to see you."
When Nicky mentioned her name Alex realised that she wasn't mad anymore. Yet, she couldn't tell if it was because she was done holding grudges or was just too tired to get furious.
"After the funeral, okay? First I have to clean this mess I made."
"Yeah sure," her friend instantly said but was cut off by hesitation before she added, "What do you mean? Which mess?"
"Look, I'll tell you about it when I'll come around, okay? I'm just really tired and it's gonna be a long day tomorrow and-"
"A long day without H?"
There wasn't spite in her tone as Nicky was still perhaps the only one who could understand Alex's addiction. So Alex admitted, "I fucked up again, Nick. If her grandmother hadn't died, Piper wouldn't even deign to look at me. She would have been gone for good… but she's okay with hating me and having me around at the same time. She needs me."
"Vause, you should really pop in. I'm worried about you."
"And I will, really. I'm okay Nicky, I just need some sleep," the brunette immediately assured her and let herself slide onto the mattress, her head resting on the pillow.
She heard how the woman on the other side of the line exhaling loudly before she spoke up.
"If I'm not gonna see you this week you can bet your ass that I'll be coming over to your place and won't leave until I'll have convinced myself that you're okay, no matter how long it's gonna take."
"Are you gonna pay rent?"
"Hell no."
"Shit, fine, you'll have seen me before this week will be over."
"You know what's gonna happen if I won't-"
"Yeah Nicky, just let me sleep before I'll get nightmares of you living with me."
"Sure Vause, see you around. Take care."
"You too, Nichols."
Not even seconds after the line had gone dead, the pills knocked her out and a fake-deep sleep found her. It was only fake-deep because it couldn't kill her nightmares.
In your dream, you're drownin', I just waltz in and saved you
I'm your alternate escape route, the altar you pray to
Your ultimate savior, your behavior is altered
Ain't your fault 'cause I made you
Brainwash and persuade you
Gibraltar, your faith'll never falter or waver
One you call to in danger, I'm your guardian angel
Nobody can tell you shit, you've already made your
Mind just follow me, babe,
You won't be sorry you stayed,
You always ride, whatever the plan is
'Til the end, even if I led us into an ambush
The car ride was long, even longer because it was torturously quiet. But Alex knew that only one word that would fall from either of their lips would fill her azure eyes with tears. So she kept shut, not wanting to extend Piper's sadness and pain. If there was something she could do, anything, if she could take the pain away and stuff herself with it, she would. Because Alex knew how to kill it before it would kill her. That was exactly what pain was doing to Piper. Every time she was hurt, it would overwhelm and possess her. And then she would be numb. Unfortunately, it wasn't that good-kind of numbness Alex experienced every time she was high.
So Piper was sitting next to her in the passenger seat, stone-faced, stone-hearted, absolutely stoned by pain. Alex would tell her to get some rest, those dark circles under her beautiful eyes visualised her weariness due to her lack of sleep and sorrow. Yet, Alex couldn't tell if Piper was still going to leave after this would be over. If Piper just used her once again to fight her loneliness and would dislodge her eventually when this would be over. Piper was still lucky. Alex didn't care.
She wasn't even thinking about having to meet Piper's parents. By driving to the funeral and Piper's hometown, Hartford in Connecticut, she would actually get a glimpse of Piper's life before New York, before she had been famous. She didn't need to tell the blonde that she had never met anyone's parents. And today, she would meet her whole family. Or rather, the people who had the same last name as her and the same bloodline. Something was telling Alex that Piper didn't consider those people as her family. Not after her grandmother had died. Putting two and two together, Piper had no one anymore. Maybe that was why she sticked around with the brunette. No matter if Alex was toxic and lethal, Piper took what she could get.
What if her grandmother's passing was the final straw and this numbness was going to be there forever.
What if her grandmother hadn't been the only one who had died that night.
Shit, Alex would kill everyone to bring her back to life.
She would kill to save her life.
Hopefully, it wasn't already buried ten feet under the ground.
The GPS in her car was the only source of noise. Although Alex never minded silence, nevertheless she would even be fine if Piper started yelling at her. As long as there would be a sign of life, she would know that she hadn't lost her. But her hands were bound and her throat was dry and there was nothing Alex could do but wait. Wait until a little breath would animate Piper. Glancing at her from the corner of her eye, the raven-haired woman could see that Piper was fighting not to fall asleep. Eventually, Piper did want to sleep but was afraid to miss something again, to miss something small or big which would lead her to lose someone who was dear to her. Fear was destroying her peace.
And when Piper's head dropped to the side again, dragged down by her exhaustion, Alex shot a glance at her and said softly, "Maybe you should get some rest, kid. We still got a two-hour drive ahead of us."
But the model just shook her head and fixed her eyes at the road in front of them.
Somehow, her grandmother's death was a traumatic event for her, and pushing its nails into her thin, frail figure.
So Alex made another attempt and assured her, "I'll wake you up when we'll be there."
Nevertheless, Piper kept quiet because, that was her way. If she couldn't runaway, she would hide.
Looking at her and seeing her so helpless and restless, Alex kind of saw herself in her. When she had been a bit younger and had been jumping between making right and wrong decisions, caring for her mother and caring for her addiction. She had had Red but, mostly, she had wanted to be alone. Just like Piper right now. Back then, she had believed that she would be better off alone, taking on the world on her own. Yet, it had been nice to know that someone would be there for her, that there would be someone she could hold on to. No matter how bad she had fucked up, Red had cleaned up after her. Every time she had laid waste to something, Red had fixed it. And now Alex understood that it didn't matter how big the mess would be. The hardest and most difficult thing to do would be to fix the person who made a mess.
As she was getting lost in nostalgia, she forgot for a moment where she was and was deaf.
But it was never that hard for Piper to win her attention, so the veil of past feelings and images around her dropped and she heard the blonde say, "How did you survive this? I mean, your mother, she had cancer, didn't she?"
Alex used to hate talking, and mostly about that topic. It wasn't even easy for her to think about it but it didn't matter. This wasn't about her, this was about Piper. And she was actually happy that the blonde had finally spoken up.
She tried to sound as cool as she could.
"I was 14 when they made the diagnosis. She was already in the third stadium and, things were pretty ugly. They said she would be dead in not even a couple weeks if she didn't get the chemotherapy immediately. But how was either of us supposed to pay for that if my mother had four jobs only so I would have roof above my head. She kept working nevertheless and I was just waiting for the day I would watch her go in the morning and never come back at night."
When her emerald eyes moved from the windscreen to look at Piper and saw her eyes covered in tears, she thought that she should stop talking. She was being selfish talking about her own experiences, wasn't she?
Yet, what if Piper needed to hear that to know that she wasn't alone?
She returned her gaze on the road again and continued, "For some reason I'll probably never understand, she kept coming back. Every night, I watched her walking through that fucking door. And I also saw how she was slowly dying. I knew that I should do something, I had to do something. Though I found no job because of my conspicuous demeanour, that's how they liked to call it, at school. So I confirmed their statement and started robbing little stores to get some money and pharmacies to get her the medicine she needed and, myself the medicine I needed. I was actually having good runs and could provide for us for a while. But just like Icarus, I flew too high and got too close to the sun. The worst thing wasn't that they caught me, just, her face, when the cops were standing at our door. She didn't know that I was doing illegal things, she thought that I had a job. After that, the tumour grew rapidly and one night, she only managed to open the door and collapsed before she even entered our home. I spent a long time blaming myself for it, I was sure that I was the reason she was going to die."
Suddenly, soft skin wrapped around her pale hand that was positioned on the gear and Alex felt Piper giving her hand a light squeeze. She was still there. Even though she would be never as good at it as at the opposite, she actually reached her and maybe was even putting her together, piece for piece, taking baby steps.
Turning her hand to intertwine their fingers, the raven-haired woman added, "One day, that one guy just pushed the right buttons and only the cops could stop me from knocking more of this teeth out. My mother was already at the hospital because Lucy, she was… a friend, her family was pretty rich, I didn't want their money but neither did I want my mother to die. She gave me some money that was enough for my mother to at least have a hospital bed. Anyway, there was nowhere I could go so I spent a night at the police station and they told me that they would put me in some kind of asylum if I kept being eye-catching. They gave me an address of a gym for anger management. At first, I didn't wanna go and thought the whole world had gone crazy but I eventually did, for my mother. I didn't want her to be my mother, she didn't deserve to be my mother because I was a total piece of shit."
It surprised her that she was actually fine with talking about it. She had never talked about her story in such detail and somehow, her shoulders felt a bit lighter. Whilst she was running her thumb over Piper's palm, she eventually finished it.
"So I went to that gym and met Red. Before I even started talking she knew what kind of case she had to deal with and let me clean up the whole damn gym for two months. I think it was some kind of Miyagi shit, I mean, she paid me for cleaning, it was even good money but of course I wasn't there to clean this damn shithole. One day, she took the broom away from me and threw me in at the deep end. I didn't even survive the first round and just came out with a black eye and another Icarus experience. But Red was no fool, it was all part of her plan, she wanted me to feel the ground before I would reach the top. She started training me eventually and not even after a week, I had my first official fight. It was illegal but the prices are always the best at those events. That was the first turning point in my life, I found a profession, a purpose, had some kind of stability in my life, some money, I could take care of my mother."
Fixing her eyes on the blonde, she said, "I had Red."
And heroin.
But that wasn't part of the story, or rather, that wasn't part of the good side of the story.
As they were standing at a red light, Alex's eyes were still on her when she sincerely told her, "You're not alone in this Piper. I'm right here."
Alex let go of her hand to wipe a tear away from her cheek and found some sort of hope in that blueness.
When she started to drive, she darted another glance at her, finding Piper's weary eyes fixed on her.
"Get some sleep, please… for me?"
The blonde nodded her heavy head in response and, not even a few minutes later, her drained body was leaning against the door, sleep having finally found her.
Her cerulean eyes felt a bit lighter when they fluttered open. The first thing she saw was Alex whose gaze was fixed on the road. Only when she turned her head to the side and recognised her hometown, the brunette noticed that she was awake.
"Hey, I just wanted to wake you up," she told her, shooting a glance in her direction.
Although Piper expected to be hit by a wave of images of her younger self and of her grandmother, the worst part seemed to be over. Sleep somehow decreased her grief, or maybe it was Alex who was taking that weight off her shoulders. She was back in the real world, that was cold and ugly, and cruel. But when she looked at Alex again, she found the beauty in it. Nobody was perfect and Alex might be far from being it, yet, she made life worth living. Piper wondered if it was solely her loneliness that drove her into the raven-haired woman's mysterious, dark, destructive world. What else could possibly be the reason for her to hold on to her.
(Love)
"You feeling better?" the brunette asked, making her look at her.
Piper kept silent and only nodded in response, yet the corners of her lips slightly rose when she saw that rare warmth in Alex's usually cold emeralds. After 20 minutes, they arrived at the church in complete stillness that was broken when the model let out a deep breath. A big crowd was standing at the entrance of the building and the two women stayed a little longer inside the car as Piper needed a few more moments to prepare for what was waiting for them outside of the vehicle. It didn't take her too much time until she found her parents talking to the golden sunshine of the Chapman family. Whilst she's always been getting along well with her younger brother Cal, she would hate her older brother Danny like poison if they hadn't been related. No matter what he had done, their parents had forgiven him without any exceptions. But every time Piper had come home with an unacceptable grade or had been late for dinner, their parents hadn't hesitated to make her feel to be the scum of the earth.
That was why she hasn't seem them ever since she had left university to become a model. Or why they haven't reached out to her. She could as well be dead, and it wouldn't make a difference. Even though it had taken her some time, she eventually had come to the realisation that, although they were her parents, it didn't mean that they had to love her. And that, although they were her parents, it didn't mean that she should feel bad for cutting them out of her life. After all, you couldn't choose your family. So the only connection they had, the only thing they still shared, was their last name and their blood. But blood wouldn't always be thicker than water.
Whilst she was drowning in the big crowd from afar, Alex brought her back to the surface when she said huskily, "Oh boy."
It caught her so off guard that she instantly turned her head to the side, looking at the raven-haired woman with confusion written all over her face.
Her green gaze shifted from the throng to the blonde, and she let out a dry chuckle before she explained, "I feel like an alien."
To her surprise, she heard how a soft giggle escaped from Piper who asked, "What?"
While she was looking at the people again, she told her, "It's like we just entered another universe. I mean, look at them… and then look at me. I'm extraterrestrial in their monocled eyes."
"Not only in theirs," Piper said to her and saw how Alex gave her a deadpan look in response.
But she dropped it after a moment and spoke up, "I'm sorry. I just had to get this out before I'll get myself into this group of prigs and golf players. I bet they're eating lobster for breakfast and kobe-beef for brunch… and caviar is their midnight snack."
Internally, she had been debating if she should pass such a remark but those doubts swiftly disappeared when Piper let out a warm, heartfelt laugh as she pushed Alex away by her shoulder the way she usually would. She was still alive.
"Stop it," she told her through her laughter.
As she was gazing at her, she honestly responded, "I just like that."
Her laughter faded away before she questioned, "What?"
"Your smile."
Alex knew that she was being cheesy and she couldn't even believe herself that such a response had fallen from her lips but she was too easily getting lost in her. And when Piper kept quiet and returned her intense stare, she could see that she wanted to kiss her.
But they weren't together. And Piper didn't love her. They weren't alone. Alex was only her dark secret. She wasn't worth it.
So she watched Piper turning away sheepishly and took off her seatbelt. They got out of the car and Alex was literally walking into the unknown as she didn't know what to expect. Even though Piper hadn't given her any kind of instructions, all she would be today was a 'good friend'. But they have never been friends, not even this week when Alex had been there every time her phone had rung and Piper had been on the line, asking her to come over. They hadn't been booty calls, they hadn't slept with each other, and they hadn't been friends nonetheless. Because friends didn't look at their friend like Alex did, friends didn't feel their heart beat in an unsteady rhythm when they saw their friend smile, friends didn't love their friend the way Alex loved her. So, no matter what would happen, they would never be friends.
They were liars, though. And Alex had been lying for a long time, lying to Piper and herself that she didn't love her. Maybe things were going to work easier today than she thought. She just wanted to get this over with because it was the only way that could release her from her unbalance, a prison Piper had locked her up in.
When Piper reached for the handle, she got thrown back into reality and followed her, leaving the car. The model was waiting for her on the other side and when the brunette was eventually standing beside her, she gave Piper control and followed her just like she had been the past days. Emotional closure used to be a no-go for her, especially in the form of physical intimacy but if Piper grabbed her hand now, she would hold onto it as tightly as she could. But she didn't need to think about it as this was a no-go for Piper as well because they were in public. And the world wasn't supposed to know that Alex loved her, nor that Piper needed her.
The first person who approached and who was the only one who was actually happy to see her, was her brother Cal. He walked up to her in his clumsy form in the same second he saw them and embraced her instantly, muttering a soft greeting into her ear. When they broke apart, the blonde introduced Alex as "her friend" to him. She extended a hand for him but instead, he hugged her the same way he had hugged his sister and the brunette wondered if Piper had ever gotten her ribs broken when her brother had put his arms around her.
"I'm Cal, Pipe's sister," he said to the taller woman when he let go of her.
"Nice to meet you."
He scratched his fuzzy beard and was about to speak up when they got interrupted by Piper's parents and her other brother.
"Piper," her mother greeted her, sounding as formal and distant as possible, and showed with her behaviour that she acknowledged her presence, no more or less.
Although Alex had already felt like a square peg in a round hole, Mrs Chapman brought that feeling to a whole other level just by simply ignoring her. There wasn't one person who wouldn't feel her abyss of ignorance. So Piper stepped in and darted a glance at the brunette who was standing next to her, saying, "This is Alex."
Without taking her cold eyes off her daughter, she said, "I know who she is."
Whilst Piper might know what she meant, Alex was absolutely clueless. Yet, before her mother could make things even worse than they already were, her father took over.
"We appreciate your attendance."
His words might seem nice but his tone diminished every aspect of a good meaning. Before Alex had the chance to do something inconsiderate like breaking his jaw, Piper replied coolly, "I only came for her."
Now it made sense to her when Piper had told her that her parents were dead to her. Alex has never met such breathing corpses. And from behind them, a dark-haired man appeared who was even taller than Alex. He had the looks of a typical quarterback with his muscles tightening his suit and his sharp jawline, short hair and thick eyebrows. A genuine jock. She didn't miss the displeased look on Piper's face when he stepped up to her to give her a hug, nor the way she reluctantly returned the embrace.
This family must be almost as fucked up as me, Alex thought to herself.
And the only reason Piper hadn't ended up like her parents was going to be buried today.
Luckily, Piper still had Alex and Cal who eventually put an end to this uncomfortable situation.
"I'm sure that she's pretty happy to see us all together again."
Alex liked that guy. Even though Cal was more of a normal dork, Alex could tell that he was smarter than the most of them because he had his heart in the right place, unlike the rest who only had a dry lump in their chest. He was the kind of guy you could have a beer with, make witty jokes and have a deep conversation with at the same time. Although Alex knew even less about Piper's family than about the blonde, she kinda had the feeling that, despite her body lying in a coffin, their grandmother would remain alive inside Piper and her younger brother.
The church bells let them know that it was time for them to say their final goodbye. And Alex was right by her side, even though her mind was jumping between the odd feeling of almost having been in the same situation as Piper and some snow for her igneous body. But this wasn't about her. Piper needed her.
When the ceremony was over, they had driven to the Chapman mansion, the castle Piper had grown up in. All this time, Alex had been by her side, and still was when they were sitting at the grand table in the state dining room. The raven-haired woman wondered how often they had eaten at this table in the past. It would have been ridiculous, even for Piper's family, to sit at this oak table only to eat some cereals. Yet, how likely was it that they ate cereals?
Turning her head to the side to solve this mystery, she saw that Piper was busy having a conversation with one of her relatives. So she asked Cal who was sitting to her left.
"Did you used to have lunch here? I mean, you and your parents?"
Knitting his brows, he answered, "Sure, why're you asking?"
Surprised by his response, Alex studied the room that was perhaps almost bigger than her current apartment and eventually explained, "Cause the person who sits across from you is like 10 feet away."
"So?"
Eventually, he dropped his serious expression and Alex gave out a faint chuckle as he told him, "You're better at this than your sister."
"Yeah, I know, she got a really weird sense of humour… in case she even does have some sense of humour," Cal said to her before he took a bite from his crème brulée.
Unlike him, Alex has only been staring at it, she didn't need to try it to know that she wouldn't like it. Caviar and cocaine were constituents of this society but Alex was only pleased with the latter. The rest was garbage wrapped up in sparkling paper in her eyes.
When she took her eyes off the plate, she saw that Piper had turned her back to her, still caught up in the conversation with someone else. Alex wouldn't say that the blonde was ignoring her, there wasn't even a reason for her to assume that, but ever since they had arrived Piper has been giving her the cold shoulder. The model wouldn't really look at her, she would keep a firm distance between them, she would barely talk to her. Wondering if she was just imagining things and Piper's strange, cold behavior was due to her parents, she suddenly heard Cal saying her name.
Raising her brows, she looked at him, "Hm?"
"You wanna eat something else?" he repeated himself in a nod to his sister.
"What?"
It took her a moment but when she eventually realised what he meant, she chuckled and nearly stumbled over her own words, "Oh, no no no, just not really my type."
She herself wasn't sure if she was talking about the crème blurée or Piper.
And as if Cal could hear her thoughts, his question would have been blatant if Alex hadn't liked him, "Crème blurée or my sister?"
Both.
"Crème blurée of course," she lied.
"But you like my sister?"
The brunette shot a quick glance over her shoulder, only to find an empty seat next to her before she returned her gaze on Cal and replied, "Sure, I mean, we're friends."
Liar.
Instead of giving an answer, his face was deadpan and that look slightly reminded her of Piper when she would make a snarky comment or would be a sarcastic ass. He probably got it from her.
So she did something that she had learned from Piper as well and scoffed, saying, "What?"
Resting his elbow on the table to cup his chin with his palm, he was still giving the brunette the same look before he sighed and told her, "Even my mother knows that you're not friends."
When he mentioned Mrs Chapman, Alex was suddenly aware of her piercing stare from across the room and returned it until Piper's mother gave in.
"The media tends to cook up stories… fairy tales… they're kinda like the Grimm Brothers," the raven-haired woman said to him, thinking that their assumptions regarding the relationship between Piper and her were due to the recent events.
Cal had sly smile on his face when he shook his head in response. Furrowing her brows, she eventually heard him say, "I may not look too smart Alex but you know I'm not talking about the things I might have seen on TV or the internet."
He could see that the brunette knew that her cover was blown. Nonetheless, he added, "I'm talking about the things I've seen today."
Placing her glasses on top of her head, she arched an eyebrow at him, trying to slip into her usual cocky self and asked, "So, what have you seen today Cal?"
Alex nearly spit her drink out when Cal answered, "That you wanna fuck her."
Everyone who was within their earshot instantly glanced at them, and Cal muttered a sheepish apology under his breath before he looked at Alex again and said, "I keep forgetting that this is a serious and sad occasion… but I think you get my point."
The brunette remained silent, though, trying to put on a pokerface. So Piper's brother continued, "Oh come on, you think I don't know my sister? She's a horrible liar."
"Yeah she is," Alex absentmindedly agreed.
She was torn out of her trance when Cal let out a chuckle, yet again drawing other people's eyes on them.
Whilst his sister was still gone, he lowered his voice before he asked Alex, "How is she? Like, really?"
"Not too good, I just think dealing with emotional chaos isn't one of her strong suits."
"It's never been, that's why she runs away."
"Yeah, tell me about it."
"I know she can be a real pain in the ass."
Based on the tone of his voice, Alex knew that he had left his sentence unfinished. What she didn't notice, though, was that Cal was waiting for her to correct him.
So she kept quiet and waited for him to speak up again until the realisation hit her and she said, "You're waiting for a but from me?"
"Duh! Obviously."
"Your description is really accurate, she can be a real pain in the ass."
"Who's a real pain in the ass?" a third voice suddenly asked, making Alex and Cal turning their heads around.
"Not you. You're an ass Danny, disturbing our conversation."
"Oh, stop whining Cal, I wanna get to know Piper's friend, too," Danny replied, having a smug grin on his as he sat down on Piper's chair that was still empty.
"There's not much to know about me," the brunette told him and tried her best not to roll her eyes at him and his approaches.
"Oh come on Alex, don't belittle yourself. You're a MMA champion, a real athlete, already a legend."
"See, you already know everything about me."
Although she really wasn't in the mood to talk to Piper's older brother, she had manners nonetheless and turned in her chair so she could look at both Cal and Danny.
When he was eyeing her deeply, Cal stopped Alex from saying something by saying something himself, "We're still at Grandma's funeral, Dan. And besides, I'm pretty sure Alex has hooked up with more women than you ever will."
"Oh geez," Alex muttered under her breath, wondering where she had gotten herself in when she had agreed without batting an eye that she would accompany Piper.
Wondering where Piper was, she wasn't aware of that pair of blue eyes watching them.
"That's why I wanna get to know her."
Although Alex was the topic of the discussion, she was no longer part of it as the two brothers were the only ones who were talking. And the raven-haired woman couldn't figure out if they were teasing each other or actually having a debate.
"To learn how to finally lose your virginity?" the younger brother asked.
"Oh please Cal, don't be ridiculous. I was bringing home girls when you were still learning to walk… No, I just wanna know if she was up to something new. Women tend to be quite exhausting, occasionally."
Although she would agree with him on that last past, Alex turned to him, looking him in the eye as she said, "Yeah, they do. But it's even more exhausting waiting for a guy to get it up."
Alex was on her feet before he could even reply and heard a husky chuckle falling from Cal's lips.
"Even though I'm still good, I think I should slowly go and find a bathroom… I bet by the time I will have found one I'll have to relieve myself."
"Go back to the entrance hall and then just up the stairs, there's one on the right," Cal explained to her through his laughter that he was trying to suppress.
She winked at him before she made her way to the bathroom.
Like a devil and an angel over her shoulders, Alex's mind and her heart were controlling her. And she could never tell which organ was what. Nevertheless, she kept walking to the bathroom and bumped into no one else but Mrs Chapman. If she knew what the brunette was about to do, Alex would spend the rest of her life locked up in a prison. And this time, it would be an actual prison, not that cage inside herself that was making her feel claustrophobic.
"Mrs Chapman," Alex said when they met in the hallway and were face to face.
"Ms Vause."
Although she wanted to correct Piper's mother and tell her to call her by her first name, she tossed that thought away. Based on the way the shorter, older woman was looking down at her, she wouldn't care anyway.
To her surprise, she asked the brunette, "Can I help you?"
Holding her gaze, Alex replied coolly, "I was just on my way to the bathroom."
Mrs Chapman just nodded, but Alex knew that it wasn't a symbol of approval. She would never accept her. However, Alex shouldn't waste her thoughts on it. It wasn't like Piper and her would have a future together. Even though it was absurd, the raven-haired woman began to fear that Piper's mother could look into her head. If she kept eyeing her like that, Alex was sure she would find out everything.
So the brunette arched an eyebrow before she continued her way, ruining every possible conversation. When she walked past Mrs Chapman and assumed to be seeing the right door to the bathroom, her steps stopped as she heard, "Have you seen my daughter?"
Standing with her back to her, Alex answered, "No," and looked at her over her shoulder, "but I'm looking for her, too."
Maybe she was just being paranoid, and the lack of drugs and desperate desire for them were messing with her mind, but Alex knew that she knew. Alex didn't know what she knew but she did.
Yet, why should Alex worry about it. Piper has been treating her like a ghost this whole day anyway. Their ways were going to part as soon as she would have dropped the blonde off by her apartment. So, whatever.
Feeling her stare on her, Alex approached the bathroom nonetheless and exhaled deeply when she shut the door and leaned against it with her back. Finally, she was free, being able to give in to one of the two things that captured her the most. Lately, she's been growing fond of her Xanax, those small bars could never fail to calm her down. They were her medicine. And she instantly felt lighter when it slid down her throat.
She was staring at her reflection in the giant mirror above the marble sink when she heard a soft knock on the door. Luckily, they were already starting to kick in so Alex wouldn't even care if it was Mrs Chapman whom she would find on the other side of the door. Alex wasn't afraid of her. But she was no fool. Piper's mother was powerful, if someone could see that it had to Alex who was constantly craving for power and control to keep her world in balance.
Checking herself one last time, she eventually reached for the door knob and unlocked the door. Actually, she could have expected to find her.
"Pipes," she said with her raspy voice, clearing her throat, "I was actually looking for-"
But things were moving too quickly that she missed the chance to finish her sentence, and missed the look in her blue eyes. Instead, she found herself stumbling backwards into the bathroom when Piper lunged at her, attacking her with kisses.
Her soft hands immediately roamed over Alex's torso under her dark jacket and a sharp breath escaped from the brunette's mouth when her back hit the mosaic wall.
"Piper," she breathed out when their lips broke apart, Piper's plastering her neck.
It didn't only totally catch her off guard that Piper was about to fuck her against the wall in the house of her family. In fact, she was certain that she had crossed the line between sanity and insanity and eventually ended up in the prison of madness.
Piper was unzipping her tight black pants as she said against the pale skin of her neck, "You really have no shame."
Yet, Piper was the one trapping her against the cold wall. Considering the circumstances, Alex only managed to let out a husky, "What?"
"Bathroom, Alex. Don't think I wouldn't know by now what that means."
Reluctantly, the raven-haired woman demanded all her willpower and grabbed Piper's wrist, putting a small distance between to make her look at her, "Piper, what- what the hell are you doing? What is this?"
"What does it look like?"
The blonde diminished every chance for her to speak up as she freed herself from her grip and continued shoving down her pants.
"I saw you talking with Danny," Piper said against her lips before she captured them in a passionate kiss.
The more Piper was touching her, the harder it was for Alex to find some sort of explanation. Piper was talking nonsense, her words didn't make any sense and her own senses were getting more and more sensitive with every kiss. Alex's head was a hazy mess, due to Piper and Xanax. All she had wanted was to calm down and she was nearly panting because Piper was sucking the air out of her lungs with her lips and tongue.
As the model pushed her own body against hers, Alex was nearly caving in the wall. Her pants were off eventually and Piper was stroking her clit, making it hard for Alex to function.
Nonetheless, she somehow managed to slow down the kiss and said, "And? I don't know what you want from me."
"What did he want from you?" Piper instantly responded, not having troubles at talking.
Alex had heard that tone in Piper's voice before. Eventually, she knew what this was about.
"Are you jealous?" she asked with a bewildered tone in her voice.
"Alex, I never have to be jealous of anyone when it comes to you."
Before she explained what she meant, one of her hands let go of Alex's boob and were inside the pocket of her jacket.
"There's nothing in this world you love more than this shit," the model eventually told her as she was holding the little box of Alex's antidotes in her hand that was still inside the pocket of her jacket.
Her hand was pressed against her stomach, Alex knew what she was referring to. Their eyes were locked on each other, taking each other in until the brunette said through gritted teeth, "Fuck you."
But Piper was on her knees before she could push her away from her and Alex couldn't help herself but elicit a throaty moan when the blonde ripped the last piece of clothing down and was kissing her inner lips. It was all so wrong, she knew it. They both did. Yet, this realisation had never been an obstacle to them. This wasn't love. It was absolute and raw madness. Alex wasn't good enough for Piper to even acknowledge her existence but she fucked her good enough to forget about her brokenness. All they did was use, and Alex used so many drugs she has eventually become one herself. And Piper had been the first one who had tried her and had instantly fallen for it. Goddamn junkies. In the end, they would always infect others with their addiction.
Not caring if she was going to mess up her bun, Alex's hand got lost in her blonde hair to hold her head in place and to find some grip as well. When the blonde placed her hands on her bare thighs and began to use her tongue to explore her mound, Alex felt how her legs gave in for a second. Mostly, it was Alex who was going down on her. Maybe that was why her whole body was losing all kind of stability every time the tables were turned. Because, when Piper's face was between her legs, it was a reincarnation for Alex. She died with every kiss and came back to life by every thrust. It was always on and off. Just like their relationship.
Finally, Piper's tongue entered her and Alex's lungs struggled to provide her with oxygen. She was sure, Piper was going to be the death of her. Nevertheless, everyone had to die of something, so she let the toxic pleasure take her over.
She threw her head back when Piper hit deep, sensitive spots inside of her with her wet tongue. All this time, she was biting on her bottom lip to silence herself. Not because they were at a funeral and at the house of Piper's parents but because she didn't want to give the blonde satisfaction. After all, Alex was supposed to be in control, she was having the upper hand in this relationship. Despite this unbalance she was stuck in, she didn't want to let it mess with her. She couldn't change it anyway, only Piper could. But she never would because she didn't love Alex, the brunette was only her toy.
As Piper was ripping her body apart and making her feel more and more dizzy, Alex intensified her grip on her golden hair and could feel how the ache in the pit of her stomach was growing. It felt like getting waves of goosebumps every time the blonde sank in deeper. If she could have been able to focus or concentrate on anything else than Piper's tongue inside of her, she would have wondered what her words from earlier had meant. Piper truly didn't know how much Alex loved her.
Alex wanted to punch a hole into the wall behind her when she could feel her climax building up and had nothing steady to hold onto except a handful of blonde hair. Her closed eyes flew open and her gaze was hazy when she fell apart above Piper. It was nearly embarrassing how she and her whole being expired every time the model made her come.
Whilst the woman between her was licking her clean, hitting some sensitive nerves in the process, Alex released her hair and had nearly become a component of the wall as Piper got on her feet and faced her, after she had put her pants on for her. Although the raven-haired woman had Xanax in her system, it had failed to throttle her orgasm nonetheless.
The look on Piper's face was foreign. She couldn't read it, it was written in hieroglyphs. So she kept holding her gaze and waited for Piper's next move.
Eventually, something evolved on her face and wonder was in her blue eyes as she almost whispered, "I will never understand you."
And with those words, she turned her back on her and walked out of the room.
She used to be almost every day at the gym. But now, standing in front of it, she could barely recall the last time she had been there. What she did remember, though, was what happened that last time. And those memories made her legs heavier than stone as she was about to walk through that door. But having to share her apartment with Nicky and her habits could even convince an introverted loner like Alex to bite the bullet.
The funeral had been two days ago but Alex didn't want to think about it. She would just end up thinking about Piper whom she hasn't seen ever since. Alex couldn't tell in what kind of state they were in but, that was nothing new. In the end, their paths always met, no matter if there was a deep ocean or a whole dimension between them. Doomed to be together. It was already awful that she didn't need to have her around to still see her. No matter if it were the drugs or the blonde herself, both were really messing with her mind. And now she was thinking about her, doing exactly what she hadn't wanted. Alex should really start listening to herself.
Yet, hasn't she all this time?
When her body was asking for a rush, she listened.
When her brain was fighting against her feelings, she listened.
When her heart was craving for Piper, she listened.
She was a junkie.
She was a slave.
She was a prisoner.
Would she ever be free?
Forever trapped in her own cage of lust and destruction.
Still better than the prison that was the world, though.
It was always so easy for her to drown in her thoughts that they could turn into a paralysis for her. Stuck in them, she kept standing in front of the door, her emerald eyes fixed on it but not really seeing it until it swung open all of a sudden.
"You've always been such a deep thinker."
Nicky's voice and her appearance dragged her back to reality, and her eyes zoned in again.
"Nicky," the brunette greeted her friend, about to enter the huge building when the shorter woman stepped aside.
They were face to face when Alex scratched her neck and said, "I'm really sorry, Nick. For everything… but I sure as hell ain't gonna drop on my knees in front of you."
"Then you have to hug me, like, really hug me. Hug me like one of your French girls."
Alex has never been fond of physical contact, she would only make exceptions when it would involve sex. And hugs were just overrated in her opinion. Nonetheless, she really had to make up for the things she had done to her best friend and was about to embrace her when she added, "Or rather, your only French girl."
"Shut up," the raven-haired woman replied and leaned down, putting her arms around Nicky who returned the embrace so tightly that Alex dramatically breathed out, "You're breaking my ribs."
"Don't be such a dramatic bitch, you're a MMA fighter," Nicky told her, intensifying the hug.
Whilst Alex was waiting to finally drop her arms, Lorna was the one who released her.
"Aw, look at you guys, you're so cute."
When they broke apart, Lorna didn't give Alex the chance to recover as she hugged her as well. Alex reluctantly put an arm around her, seeing a shit-eating grin on her best friend's face.
"The lost birdie found its way back to the nest," Nicky commented and led them down the stairs to the secret gym.
Her best friend was still ahead of her when she opened the metal doors and entered the hall. To Alex's relief, there was barely anyone training. Darting a glance to her right, she wondered if Red was there. But Nicky interrupted her thoughts, "How's your girlfriend, Sasquatch?"
Before Alex could correct her, Lorna spoke up with surprise in her high voice, "You have a girlfriend?"
The brunette sighed as they walked towards Red's office, and when she noticed in what direction they were going, she stopped dead in her tracks, "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Chill Vause. She's not here," Nicky informed her and opened the door.
After the wild-haired woman closed the door behind them and Alex sat down on the armchair in the corner of the room, Lorna glanced at her and urgently asked, "What about that girlfriend, Alex?"
"It's pretty serious, Alex accompanied her to a funeral this week," Nicky said as she leaned against the desk, her arms crossed in front of her chest.
"What? Oh my god, I'm so sorry. What happened?"
Alex could say that they had buried their relationship. But in order to avoid boring questions, she explained, "Piper's grandmother died of cancer."
Lorna's eyes were fixed on Nicky before they jumped on Alex, and Alex knew that look. Cancer seemed to be her constant companion in life, that was what on everyone's mind. So she said nonchalantly, "But she's okay. The sun still rises in the morning."
Yet, not in her life.
They were interrupted when the door opened and Alex's heart slipped to the ground. But the person who asked Lorna for help was a new face to the raven-haired woman. As Lorna walked out of the room, Nicky assured her, "I'm gonna tell you everything about Piper in detail later."
The door fell shut and the short woman was rewarded with a deadpan look from Alex.
"Stop being so grumpy and tell me, what has happened the past months? How did the funeral go?"
When the brunette hesitated to speak up and was fumbling with her glasses, Nicky no longer needed to know what had happened. The only thing she didn't know was how it had happened.
So she asked, giving her taller friend a piercing stare, "What did you do? Or didn't do?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing, like nothing big or nothing as in I'm an ignorant ass who isn't aware of it or nothing as in-"
"Nothing, Nicky. Just and simply nothing."
Silence settled around them for a moment, and Alex began to bounce her leg, avoiding her friend's eyes.
Eventually, Nicky thought she had solved the mystery.
She let out a deep chuckle as she said, "Shit, did the fire burn out?"
"Fire? What kind of fire?" the jet-haired woman asked, her brows knitted.
"Well you know, the lesbian dead bed, it's an actual thing."
"What? No, that's not- why am I even talking to you," Alex scoffed.
"Cause I'm the only person your sociophobic, lonesome ass can talk with… you can't even talk with your girlfriend."
"She's not my girlfriend, okay?" the brunette stated, slight irritation in her low voice.
Although her friend seemed to be truly upset, Nicky's grin didn't fade and Alex wanted to rip it off her but eventually heard her say, "That's the snag!"
Alex just sighed before she replied exhaustedly, "Just leave it be, okay?"
Whilst the brunette was staring at nothing particular, Nicky was eyeing her suspiciously.
She knew that it was only a matter of time until her friend was going to break her silence. And she did.
"I don't know what she wants from me. I tell her I love her but she doesn't believe me, I'm there for her when she needs me but it's not enough, I do whatever she asks me to but it's still not right. What the fuck is this, Nicky? I'm so done being her clown, it's pissing me off. I don't need to be her girlfriend or something like that, I don't care if we're just fucking as long as she's just fucking me…and not with my mind… like, the other day, at the funeral? She was ignoring me the whole time and the next second she's pushing me against the wall and goes down on me. I don't care if she's using me you know? I just need some clarity, I'm having a migraine from this whole push-and-pull thing. It's not like she's know all along that I do drugs, yet she gets mad every time she knows I'm high. Sometimes I just wanna shoot my brains out to get her out of it. She can be pretty persistent. I don't understand her and then, ha, that's actually the best thing, then she turns the tables and says that she doesn't understand me. Isn't that funny?"
The room was silent as it took Alex a while to realise that she had been ranting the past seconds. The realisation hit her when she saw Nicky's face, so she said, "I sound fucking pathetic, don't I? Fuck this love shit, I'm done with it. I should have left her when I could."
"You two are gonna be the next Bonnie and Clyde," her best friend eventually said, winning her green gaze.
"Nicky, this is serious."
"I wasn't joking, you two are nuts."
This time, Alex only gave her a look in response and let herself fall into the armchair.
Seeing her friend so helpless was actually a surprise for Nicky. Even though it wasn't too easy for her, she decided to drop the sarcasm and inappropriate remarks and told her, "You should end it. Whatever it is, this thing between you two, end it. You would just keep hurting each other until one of you is gonna end up in the loony bin."
"I don't think that's necessary, I haven't seen her since the funeral. So, it might be over between us, I never know. It's been over between us pretty often but… that's not what this is about. Even if it's over, it's not really over, you know? I mean, shit Nicky, not even the H helps."
This time, it was Nicky's turn to be silent. She had a past with drugs as well, one that might be even slightly more excessive than Alex's who was doing a good job at beating hers. Finally, she understood Alex's problem.
They were looking at each other when the short woman explained, "Honestly? You might be thinking that you don't deserve better or good things at all but this Piper girl, she's not good for you. Maybe you're not good for her either but… you really love her. Love is really blind, kid. And crazy."
As Alex was expecting another long speech, she was surprised when Nicky suddenly stopped talking. Frowning at her, she asked, "That's it? That's all you gotta say?"
"That's all I can say, you ungrateful horse's ass. There's not really much I can do, there's not really much anyone can do for you cause you love her. It's a blessing and a curse… but, if she does come back to you, you should try not taking her back. That's my only tip for you."
Quitting Piper?
That was no solution, solely because it wasn't realistic.
Maybe Alex should get used to being her fool for the rest of her life, maybe this was her purpose in life from now on, falling for one drug after another.
Nonetheless, she was contemplating her friend's words until the door swung open another time. And this time, Alex's heart dropped to the ground with good reason.
"Kiddo."
There she was, with her red hair and that familiar warmth behind her hard shell. It was impossible for Alex to escape, so she watched Nicky moving away from the table to leave the two alone. To Alex's surprise, there was no suffocating tension in the room when the door closed behind Nicky. Watching her former trainer taking her jacket off and taking a seat behind her desk, Alex was wondering if she should say something or remain silent.
But as she used to, Red took care of her and spoke up first for her.
"How are you?"
For the first time, the brunette heard uncertainty in her thick voice. Maybe she wasn't angry with her anymore, maybe Alex could pick her heart up from the ground again.
"Still alive," she replied, giving her a sly smirk that Red returned.
"Obviously," the Russian woman stated.
The room was about to drown in silence but that was the last thing Alex wanted. So she took action.
"How's the gym? Everything still in good order?"
After she had made a big mess.
But Red would always clean after her.
"There are some new girls, they might not be as good as you but they've got great potential."
"I'm glad to hear that."
As Alex seemed not to be willing to stop tip-toeing, Red eventually put an end to it.
"I'm worried about you, kiddo."
She would always be.
Surprised by her sudden emotional revelation, Red didn't miss her confused face and continued, "I saw you in Paris, your outburst. You'll always be full of energy but you're just letting it go to waste."
"Where else should I use it? I still don't have my license back… and neither do I have a trainer."
"What if you yourself became a trainer? Show those girls your skills, share your knowledge-"
"I don't think that's a good idea, Red," Alex cut her off.
"Why?"
She needed a moment before she spoke up, "Because I'm no role model."
"Alex-"
"Listen, I'm done fighting with you. I'm sorry for the things I said, I can't take them back and it sucks. I just hope that you know that I'm really sorry."
And with that, she was about to leave but Red stopped her when she said, "There's still the big tournament in Vegas."
Standing with her back to the older woman, Alex dropped her hand that had been reaching for the door knob and asked, "What about it?"
"Do you still wanna fight?"
The brunette looked at her over her shoulder, telling her, "I don't think that's a good idea… besides, it's over for me. I lost everything."
But of course Red could see through her, after all, she was still a second mother for her.
"And you don't want to take back what's yours?"
Alex was holding her gaze as her thoughts began to run and grow. Red was giving her a chance, a chance for redemption, a chance for redeeming herself, a chance for finding herself. If she rejected it, she would never get it again.
Nonetheless, she asked, "What about my license?"
A small smile found its way on the red-haired woman's face who approached her new old protégée.
She rested a hand on her shoulder, filling Alex with that familiar warmth and told her with an assuring tone in her voice, "Let me handle that."
After all, she would still clean up after Alex.
It was still the same week when a soft hand knocked on Alex's front door. She already knew who it was. In the end, she always came back to her like a lost puppy. Furthermore, it was past midnight and that was Piper's loneliest time. Alex didn't even bother to cover up the white hazel on her table and let out a sight before she got up and made her way to her door. Although she had told the doormen not to let anyone in except her mother, Piper would always find a way to her.
So she grabbed the door knob and could bite her own head off when she realised that she was still deeply in love with her.
"Hey," she said, trying to sound as detached as possible.
With her long golden hair and big blue eyes, she was standing in front of her and replied, "Hi… can I come in?"
Alex nodded and stepped aside, letting her in again.
Her blue gaze instantly fell on the white lines on the table and after Alex closed the door behind them, she walked over to the kitchen, asking, "Do you want a drink?"
Actually, the brunette didn't know what she should or could expect, so she decided to submit to the night. However, Piper's gaze was still on the table when she returned without having gotten an answer. When she caught her staring at the heroin on the table, she was fighting not to roll her eyes and let herself drop on the couch.
Her emerald eyes were on the blonde as she said, "Be my guest," making a hand gesture towards the snowflakes.
Of course it would piss Piper off but, although she might have the looks of an angel, there was devil beneath it. And Alex tried to focus on it to make it easier for herself to let her go for good. Nevertheless, It didn't mean that it wasn't hard for her.
"You know what, maybe I should come back another time when you'll be a bit more mature," the model told and turned around to walk towards the door.
But Alex was done. She no longer wanted to be her doll. So she sprung up from the couch and approached her with big steps.
"Don't you think that's a bit hypocritical?"
Hearing that, Piper instantly turned around to face her, storms forming in her blue eyes. But Alex was no fool. At least not anymore.
"I mean, considering that you're drunk and lonely and horny and only here because you want me to fuck you."
"Fuck you, Al-"
"Fuck you, Alex, yeah yeah, I've heard it before. But I don't need to fuck myself, you already fuck me good enough sweetheart."
"What's that supposed to mean?" the blonde asked and Alex could see that she was really clueless.
But before she would explain, she asked just to be sure, "Are you drunk?"
"No."
"Don't lie to me, I can smell it… how did you get here? You didn't drive yourself, did you?"
That was perhaps the worst part of the story. Alex cared, even if she didn't care.
"No I didn't, are you a cop now?" she asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
"Oh shut up."
"What? If you do this thing it's okay but if I do it it's a crime?!"
"What thing, Piper?"
"Coke, heroin, Xanax, whatever it is you're in the mood for."
Usually, the model was the one with the bad temper but Alex was really losing her patience. So, her voice was slightly raised when she said, "Are you being serious? Maybe we should talk when you're sober."
"Oh but you can fuck me when you're not?!"
"Jesus, Piper, what do you want from me? What is your fucking problem again?!"
"You know damn well what my problem is. You're a junkie."
"Oh my god, it's always the same old story. I'm kinda getting tired of this, you know?"
"Really? Too bad cause I'm actually having a good time every time we're together and you're high."
"Stop right there. We are not together."
As if she wanted to visualise her words, Alex created a distance between them and took a step back.
"No, but you love me. Or at least, you say that you do."
For a second, Alex was actually at a loss for words. She was only staring at the woman in front of her, internally seeing herself getting closer to the loony bin.
"You know what I'd really like to do right now? Blasting my whole brain out so I don't have to listen to you and this shit. I swear to you Piper, one day, one day, I'll have a fucking gun at my temple and you'll be the reason I will pull the trigger."
"Tell me when that time will have come… so I can do that for you."
"You're such a fucking, stuck-up, psycho bitch, I can't even believe that I love you."
"Neither can I," Piper immediately replied, her blue hazy eyes piercing the brunette.
"Why? Cause I'm snorting a line every now and then? Or pop some pills? That's why you doubt my feelings? Wow, that's- I'm actually speechless."
"Go to fucking hell, Alex. You know what this is about. People die of this-"
Alex cut her off by saying with the slightest desperation in her voice, "I already am in hell, every time I'm with you… and trust me, it's way more likely that I'll die of you because I don't even have the chance to overdose. You know what, watch me, I'll try to overdose now, yeah? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see with your own eyes that only you can kill me?!"
"I hate you so much."
"Oh, I know. I know you do… just like you know that I love you but still treat me like shit-"
"Like shit?! When did I treat you like shit?" the blonde nearly yelled.
"When didn't you? See, you can't even remember when because you're not even aware of it. Maybe it's not even your fault. Seriously, I'm so fucking done being a fool for you."
When Piper couldn't answer, she watched Alex walking away from her to prepare her kill, distributing a bag of heroin on the glass table.
"Stop," she eventually said and stormed towards the brunette, pushing her away from the table.
"Do you think just because I love you the world stops spinning and nothing else exists?!"
"Fuck you."
"But baby, you're my world."
"You're such a fucking lunatic asshole."
Her emerald eyes were fixed on Piper when she told her, "Oh please, you love that. You love that a fucking lunatic asshole loves you… because it makes you feel special. Because you think you're just ordinary, although you're a freak like me."
"I'm not like you," she snarled, perhaps because she herself knew that it was a lie.
"Because you're such a good girl and so damn better than me? I fuck good enough for one night but I'm too fucked up for a whole life, that's the point, isn't it? That's why you can't say it."
Maybe Alex hated being stuck in this unbalance. Maybe it did bother her that she did everything and even did the impossible and confessed her feelings to Piper, only to get them ripped apart. She was sick and tired of it. And so desperate that she wouldn't even care if Piper lied to her.
"Alex-"
"You don't want all of me, only those parts that are good enough for you to forget about your own shit. But this, this is too much for you… because it will kill you, just like it killed me."
Their faces were only a few inches apart, and in a short moment of silence, their eyes were devouring each other. But as she usually was the one, Piper eventually gave in.
"You're so unbelievably self-righteous, did you know that? You think just because you warn people and occasionally remind them that you're a narcissistic psychopath it's their fault if they expect better from you. But that's not how it works. You can't just concoct your alibi and wipe out every possibility of being the one to blame. You're so- you're such a maniac… God… you're so full of shit, and I hate it. And I hate you, Alex. I fucking hate you… because I love you. You're killing me and I still love you. And I hate that you can do this, you could push me off a cliff and I would still love you. So fuck you for that."
Taking big steps to destroy every distance between them, her emerald eyes pierced the person in its view. They were looking for something.
"Don't say that."
The blonde frowned instantly, almost yelling with a bewildered tone in her voice, "What?!"
"Don't say something you can't take back."
"You know that I hate you."
"That's not what I was talking about."
Then she understood. Alex was looking at her as if she had just confessed the biggest crime in the human history. And that crime was that she loved Alex.
"I do, I do love you, Alex. Although I know that you'll always love yourself more than me which is why you'll always pick drugs over me, I still love you. And I think I love you more than I hate you."
Tell me pretty lies
Look me in the face
Tell me that you love me
Even if it's fake
Cause I don't fucking care at all
You been out all night
I don't know where you been
You slurring all your words
Not making any sense
But I don't fucking care at all
Cause I have hella feelings for you
I act like I don't fucking care
Like they ain't even there
Cause I have hella feelings for you
I act like I don't fucking care
Cause I'm so fucking scared
I'm only a fool for you
And maybe you're too good for me
I'm only a fool for you
But I don't fucking care,
I don't fucking care
But I don't fucking care at all
But that was the worst part of the story. Alex cared, even if she didn't care.