Author's Note: Once again thank you to everyone who reviewed, followed, or favorited this story after the last story. I'd also like to thank everyone whose been reading this story, even if you haven't reviewed. It means a lot to me to see that what to me at least seems like a lot of people are still interested in this after 15 months, 20 chapters, and 100,000+ words (excluding author's notes now) even after I've gotten slower and slower with the updates (not for lack of effort though, just life and the fact that the chapters keep getting longer).
Now, I'm feel like I've reached a milestone with this chapter. This story is now officially over 200 pages, and I'm pretty sure this is the longest chapter I've written so far.
That's pretty much all I have to say so I'll leave you with Chapter 21. Enjoy and please let me know what you think.
Chapter Twenty One
"Hermann," Gabby spoke to the man beside her as they both took their turnout coats and boots off now that they were back at 51. The ride back had been long. Matt hadn't just been clearly pissed, he hadn't said a word the entire time they were in the Truck. Instead he just silently stared out the window. At least that's what Gabby thought he was doing based on what she could see from her spot in the back of the rig. Hermann, Mouch, and Cruz seemed to take their cues from their lieutenant so the conversation had been minimal and unrelated to the job. For the most part, they had sat in awkward silence, and she couldn't quite tell what the rest of the company thought of the call, if they were also mad at her for not listening to Boden's orders, for potentially getting Otis injured, for almost getting both herself and Otis killed.
"Yeah," Hermann replied.
"Did you and Casey make it through the second floor?" she asked the question that had been on her mind from the moment she'd thought she'd heard someone, the question that had been haunting her since she'd left the building.
"No," he told her. "We were just finishing up on the first floor when Boden called us out."
"So I could have heard someone," she surmised.
"I don't know," Hermann admitted. "Let this one go though Dawson or it'll eat you up. And next time listen to the Chief. I know you were trying to do the right thing and help someone you thought was there, but—"
"Candidate," Matt's angry voice cut Hermann off as he approached the two of them, the look of fury she had seen at the fire still firmly planted on his face. "This isn't the time for socializing. The bathroom isn't going to clean itself."
"Yes Sir," Gabby replied. It wasn't what she had wanted to say however. She understood that while he hadn't come out and said it, this was her punishment for disobeying orders and that as the candidate, the grunt work was her job. She wouldn't object to cleaning the bathroom, but she wanted to explain what she had done and apologize both as a candidate and a fiancée. The relief on Matt's face when she emerged from the building earlier indicated that she had scared him. Still, the look of anger that was currently on Matt's face and his attitude since she'd first tried to talk to him after coming out of the building made clear that he wasn't in the mood for that conversation; she'd probably just wind up getting yelled at some more so she simply turned and walked into the firehouse to get the cleaning supplies.
As she scrubbed one of the shower stalls, Gabby tried to keep her mind off why she was doing this. In the half hour since she'd retreated to clean the bathroom, the only person she had seen was Capp. He'd come in to use the bathroom but hadn't said a word to her. That had worried her. Was everyone angry at her? Did they blame her for Shay and Brett needing to take Otis to the hospital? Okay that was her fault so she couldn't really blame them if they did, but still, what if it meant they didn't trust her anymore? Would she be able to stay on 81 or work as a firefighter at all? Matt had already threatened to fire her once. It was months ago, but was there a chance he would follow through now?
"So Otis is fine," Shay's voice pulled her from her thoughts. "Just a minor burn. Turnout coat took more damage than he did. My guess is he needs a new one."
"Is he here or did he get the rest of shift off?" Gabby asked.
"In the common room with the guys," Shay told her.
"Thanks," Gabby replied as she threw the sponge into the bucket of water and got up, wanting to see Otis for herself. Shay followed her towards the common room.
"Otis," Gabby called as she and Shay entered the common room to find him sitting at the table with Cruz, Hermann, and Casey while Mouch was in his usual spot on the couch. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine," Otis simply stated.
"I'm so sorry. I never meant for us to almost get trapped or you to get hurt," Gabby started rambling.
"I know Dawson. It's –" Otis said before Matt cut him off.
"What did I say earlier about socializing? Does this mean you've finished cleaning the bathroom?" he asked.
"Not yet," Gabby replied.
"Then get back to it," Matt ordered.
"Yes Sir," Gabby hoped the fact that she was groaning inside wasn't obvious. What was so wrong about wanting to apologize to Otis and make sure he was okay? She'd apologize to Matt too if he would just let her. "When should I make dinner?"
"Don't bother. Just focus on the bathroom. We'll order in," Matt said. "Oh and Candidate once the bathroom's all clean, I'm not sure when someone last cleaned the locker room."
"Got it," Gabby said as she turned to head back to the bathroom, Shay sticking to her side.
"Shay," Matt called after them. "Don't go with her. I told her to work not socialize."
"You know what Casey, last time I checked I wasn't a firefighter," Shay snapped. "And I'm pretty sure the Truck Lieutenant can't order the PIC around so if I want to keep my girl company, I'm going to keep her company."
"I can give orders to my candidate though," Casey argued.
"Yes you can, and if you want to order her to ignore me, you can do that. Although unless you intend to hover over us, I'm not sure how you would make sure she does," Shay replied. "Besides as long as she gets the work done, why does it matter?"
"Just don't distract her," Matt seemed to give in as Shay ran to catch up to Gabby.
"Lieutenant, don't you think you're being –," Gabby heard Hermann say as she opened the bathroom door. It closed behind her and Shay before she could hear the rest of what he was saying. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but it sounded like Hermann might be on her side. If that was true, then at least she hadn't lost the whole house.
"Jeez, what's his problem?" Shay asked as Gabby reached down and grabbed the sponge out of the bucket so she could go back to scrubbing the shower stalls.
"It's what happened on the call with my going back in and Otis getting hurt because of me," Gabby replied. "Hasn't said two words to me that weren't like that since Otis and I came out of the building. Actually, he's barely spoken to me period. I shouldn't have disobeyed orders, it's just, when I heard someone, how could I just leave them to burn to death?"
"You couldn't. You have too big of a heart. Casey knows that," Shay said. "You know he's lucky I stopped there. If we weren't at work, he'd have gotten a hell of a lot more for treating my best friend like that."
"It's his right. He's the lieutenant, and I'm the candidate. I get ordered around and have to do all the grunt work and when I screw up, it's his job to reprimand me," Gabby defended him. "We've seen it with Jones and Mills and Otis and every other candidate whose been at 51 while we have."
"Yeah but not like this," Shay protested. "He's treating you worse right now than he ever treated them. He was not this cold."
"I know," Gabby mumbled.
"And I saw the look on his face when he heard you had gone back in and didn't want to come out until you'd found this person you thought you'd heard. You think he'd be grateful that you're okay," Shay continued as if Gabby hasn't spoken only pausing when she'd noticed the change in Gabby's demeanor. "Hey, what's wrong?"
"We've been doing so well. It's like all our problems were behind us," Gabby said quietly. "But this is how it all started last time. I disobeyed orders and screwed up on a call. He couldn't treat me the same way he would treat any other candidate who had done what I did – not in the same way as now obviously but still. He wouldn't talk about what had happened. Instead he just shut me out. I know I didn't handle it well and made things worse too. I'm not trying to say it was all Matt's fault. The thing is what if we haven't learned anything from all that? I don't want to end up there again."
"Then make sure you don't and make sure Casey knows you're worried about that," Shay told her.
"It's not that simple," Gabby replied.
"I know, but you're still going to therapy, right?" Shay pointed out.
"Yeah, even though we've been back on track for months, when we started, we agreed that no matter what we'd keep going at least as long as I was on 81. Jessica thought that was a good idea too," Gabby replied.
"Then if nothing else use that as an opportunity to talk all this out. I'm not saying you have to use your appointment to talk to Casey about everything, but you have that if you can't get anywhere before then," Shay said. "When's your next appointment?"
"Not til Thursday," Gabby told her. It was only Sunday. "I don't think I can wait that long to make sure we're okay, but I can't try to force Matt to talk to me either. That went so well last time."
"Let me know if you need me to kick his ass or at least pull his head out of it and remind him just how lucky he is," Shay tried to lighten the mood.
"Thanks," Gabby said as she finished cleaning one shower stall and moved to the other, a smile forming on her face as she stepped inside.
"What has you so happy all of sudden?" Shay couldn't help noticing the smile that seemed to form out of the blue.
"Just remembering better times," Gabby said nonchalantly.
"In a shower stall," a seemingly confused Shay responded. It was when Gabby started to blush, that the realization dawned on her. "Ooohhh…in the shower. Remind me to avoid that one."
"Shay, weren't you the one teasing me and Casey about my lingerie earlier," Gabby couldn't help but laugh.
"With Casey I assume. Not Mills. If it has you smiling like that," Shay poked as if Gabby hadn't spoken. "Besides, I can't really picture you and Mills doing anything here. I don't think I ever even saw him kiss you at work. With Casey on the other hand, don't think I haven't noticed all the times he's had the door to his quarters closed and the blinds down and you've been nowhere to be found."
"God, they were such different relationships," Gabby said. "Don't get me wrong. My relationship with Mills was nice and sweet. At the time, I did think I loved him. It's just it never had anywhere near the passion and deep emotions that my relationship with Matt has. Never mind the connection. I realize I was a grown woman, but looking back it was almost like it was puppy love with Mills whereas with Matt it's this pure, true love that comes with finding your soulmate. That doesn't seem to do what Matt and I have justice though."
"So it was Casey," Shay continued to prod.
"Of course it was. Other than that mess a few months ago, we've always had a healthy physical relationship, but when we first got together. It wasn't just the fact that the sex was absolutely incredible or the newness of the relationship, but I think the ability to release all those years of pent up longing and desire on both our parts," Gabby couldn't help taking the trip down memory lane. "We couldn't keep our hands off each other, and that first shift after we got together it didn't matter that we were at work or that we weren't ready to tell anyone about us yet, especially not when we were working together, we just needed each other and to show each other how happy we were to finally be together. I miss those days. Not so much the making love to Matt at work part. Although we haven't done that since I started my candidacy, and I do love making love to him no matter where we are. Or everything being new. There's something even more intimate about knowing someone physically and emotionally the way Matt and I know each other now. Things were just so much less complicated then. I don't regret becoming a firefighter, and I love being at 51, but I can't help but think, especially after a day like today, how nice it would be if Matt was just my fiancée."
Before Shay could respond, the bells went off, calling Ambulance 61 to assist an elderly woman in distress.
"I gotta go, but Dawson, look at it this way, in a few months, Casey will be just your fiancée again," Shay said. "You two are gonna get through these last months of this arrangement fine and then go ride off into the sunset together. Now I suggest you put that sponge down and go find lover boy to talk. Or at least bring him back here and recreate that memory."
"Thanks Shay, but I think both of those are probably best left for home," Gabby called after her.
Gabby sat staring out the window of Matt's truck as he pulled up to their apartment building. She wished they had driven separately yesterday if for no other reason than it would mean that she wasn't in this car right now. The rest of shift had been somewhat better in all but the most important way. Ambo had gotten a couple more calls during the evening and one at about 7:30 this morning while Squad had gotten one more call during dinner. Truck and Engine had spent the rest of shift at the house though, leaving Gabby plenty of time to finish the bathroom and locker room and then clean a couple of other areas that Matt decided needed a good scrubbing. Truth be told she had probably been a little too efficient for her own good, but she hadn't left Matt anything to complain about at least in regards to her cleaning. He hadn't taken it too well when she'd tried to talk to him as her lieutenant, continuing to treat her unusually coldly and throwing more chores on her. When she saw the rest of the guys at dinner, this morning, and while cleaning the kitchen, they at least treated her like they normally would have, seemingly understanding that she knew she'd screwed up and accepting her apology. She'd heard Hermann try to talk to Matt about how he was treating her a few more times only to get brushed off, making it clear to her that she and Matt needed to work whatever this was out before it started creating problems at the firehouse. Unfortunately, 61 hadn't made it back yet when shift ended, which sucked because she could have really used one more pep talk from Shay before heading home, especially since the ride itself, wound up feeling unusually long and awkward.
"Want me to make breakfast?" Gabby asked as she and Matt made their way into the apartment.
"Nah. I think I'm just gonna get some sleep before heading over the Baldwin's," Matt referenced the construction job he had lined up for that afternoon.
"You sure?" Gabby couldn't help but worry that he was trying to avoid her. Given their lack of overnight calls, he should have been able to get a good night's sleep at the house. Sure, the bed in his office wasn't as comfortable as the one in their bedroom, but after all these years, he was used to it.
"Yes, I'm sure Gabby," he sounded annoyed as he spoke.
"Okay. I'm going to make breakfast though if you decide you want any," she called after him as he disappeared into their bedroom and closed the door behind him, surprising her. They normally left the door open even while they were sleeping or making love. After all, what was the point in closing it when they were the only two people in the apartment. The symbolism was too hard to ignore.
Gabby just stood there for a few minutes, staring at the closed the door. She was taken aback by the fact that he had actually shut it. Matt wasn't just shutting her out in regards to what happened at the call yesterday, but it was like was also shutting her out of his life. He was barely speaking to her. In fact, he didn't seem willing to speak to her unless he had to, and now, while she wasn't tired and hadn't been planning on going to bed after eating, he hadn't known that. His shutting the door behind him meant that he didn't want her sleeping next to him. He was kicking her out of her own bedroom.
Finally, she turned towards the kitchen, intent on making breakfast and finding some way to make things right with Matt. As she opened the fridge it occurred to her that while it wouldn't be enough on its own, maybe breakfast could be enough of a peace offering to be a start. She'd make Matt's favorite breakfast: over easy eggs and sausage. Looking through the fridge, she was disappointed to discover that they didn't have sausage. Still, she'd at least be able to make the eggs so she grabbed the carton and some butter from the fridge and then set them down on the counter next to the stove before getting a frying pan out and starting to cook enough eggs for two.
Once the eggs were done, she popped a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster. While the bread was toasting, she grabbed two plates, putting Matt's eggs on one of them and set it aside for whenever he emerged from the bedroom. As the bread popped out of the toaster, she grabbed it and then threw her own eggs onto the second plate.
Sitting at the kitchen table, she ate her breakfast, swirling her toast in the egg yolk as every few minutes she looked up at her bedroom door, hoping that it would open and Matt would join her. Only he never did. When he left for his construction job a few hours later, his eggs were still sitting on the counter.
For some reason, Gabby had been overwhelmed with a need to clean. Maybe it was just because after putting so much effort into cleaning the firehouse the day before, she felt that she should put effort into her own home. Or maybe she saw it as a way to send a message to Matt, to let him know that she was punishing herself just like he was or to show him that she was sorry for what had happened. Whatever the reason, she was dusting the coffee table when she heard a knock at the front door. Leaving her cleaning supplies on the table, she got up and headed towards the door. Opening it, she was surprised to see Chief Boden standing on the other side. She was pretty sure this was the first time he had ever stopped by the apartment.
"Chief, what are you doing here?" she asked.
"Dawson, can I come in?" he asked in return.
"Of course," she said as she moved out of the way, allowing him to enter. "If you're looking for Casey, he's not home."
"I actually came to see you," Boden informed her. "Why don't we take a seat?"
"This way," Gabby guided him towards the living room. She couldn't help but feeling nervous. Why would Boden stop by to see her? Was this about what happened yesterday? Was she about to be fired? Maybe Matt couldn't bring himself to do be the one to do it so he asked the Chief to. Maybe that was why he was so intent on avoiding her this morning. When they reached the living room, she sat down on the couch while Boden took a seat a chair. Taking a deep breath, she spoke, hoping that she didn't sound as nervous as she felt. "What's this about?"
"I wanted to let you know that I just received word that they finished up at the apartment building from yesterday afternoon. They didn't find any bodies on the second floor or anywhere else in the building," Boden informed her.
"So I didn't really hear anything. It was all in my head," Gabby replied. She wasn't sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, it was good that no one had been left behind and died. That would have been one of the worst possible outcomes. On the other hand, she could have gotten herself and Otis killed because of something she imagined. Matt was clearly so furious at her. She was scared that this was going to start tearing them apart again. She may have just blown up her relationship with the love of her life for no reason.
"You may have heard something, but it wasn't a person. It could have been the fire or a TV that had been left on or something else," Boden's words caused Gabby to nod. "Look Dawson, something like that is why you need to listen when you're given an order. I get the fact that when you were my PIC you were the one in charge of the medical situation and as a paramedic that you were experienced and knew exactly what you were doing. You've been a firefighter for less than a year though, and when you're in a fire, things are a lot more grey."
"Being a paramedic isn't simple. Medical situations are not black and white," Gabby interjected.
"I'm not trying to say they are," Boden replied. "But when you were a paramedic, the patient was always in front of you. You could see that something was wrong, and even if you didn't know exactly what the problem was, you had the knowledge and the ability to take what was in front of you and figure out what needed to be done for the patient. In a fire, you don't generally know who, if anyone, is there or what the situation is, and you don't yet have the experience to try to figure it out. As a candidate, when you're on a call, you're not just there to rescue people, you're there to learn from the more experienced firefighters around you. When I order you out of a building, you need to understand that I'm making that decision based on all my years of experience from when I was in your shoes to Otis's shoes to Casey's shoes to the shoes I wear now as a battalion chief. I'm not giving those orders just because. There's a reason for them. You are welcome to respectfully make your concerns with those orders known, but in the end, part of your job is to follow them. Dawson, you were a great paramedic, and you have the potential to be a great firefighter, everyone sees that, but you need to understand that you're starting from the beginning again and that some of what made you such a great PIC is going to work against you as a firefighter."
"I'll try," Gabby said. She knew Boden had stuck his neck out by letting her do her candidacy on 81. She didn't want to let him down, and she certainly didn't want to keep hurting her relationship with Matt.
"That's all I can ask," Boden said. "You and Casey have a lovely home."
"Thanks Chief," Gabby replied. "Is there anything I can get you?"
"I should be getting home. Terrence was fussing a little earlier. Don't want to leave Donna to deal with him by herself for too long," Boden started to get up.
"I hope everything is okay. Let me at least walk you out," Gabby got up as well.
It was nearly ten o'clock as Gabby stood in the kitchen, staring at the butternut squash soup that had long since gone cold. When her stomach growled, she decided to heat some up and finally eat dinner. Waiting for Matt to come home clearly wasn't getting her anywhere, and she was beginning to wonder if he even intended to come home tonight. He should have finished up with his construction job hours ago.
As she took a bowl of soup out of the microwave and began eating, she couldn't help but think about how this was not how she intended dinner to go. She had made the butternut squash soup, even though it was totally out of season, for Matt because she knew how much he liked it and as a reminder of where they started. She had been hoping that he would appreciate the gesture and that they would eat together and actually talk things out. Instead he was who knows where, and she was eating alone. When she was about halfway through her soup, she heard the back door open. Turning her head, she saw Matt walk in.
"You're eating late," he observed.
"Well, I had been trying to wait for you," she replied a little bitterly.
"Why?" Matt asked, clearly confused.
"Because I thought it would be nice to have dinner with my fiancée. I know you're mad at me, and I thought –" Gabby started to explain before Matt cut her off.
"Yeah but didn't you get my text?" he asked.
"What text?" she replied.
"The one where I said that Severide asked me to meet him for pizza and beer, and I'd be home late," Matt explained.
"You never texted me," Gabby wasn't going to admit it, but she had been checking her phone constantly all day for some word from him, some sign that his anger had lessened, that this was just going to be some minor bump in the road and they would be fine. Her phone was sitting on the counter next to her bowl so she grabbed it, and scrolled through the messaging app until she found Matt's name. Tapping it, she turned her phone towards him, showing him that the last text she had from him was from a couple days earlier.
Matt responded by pulling his own phone out of his pocket and scrolling through it. After a few seconds, he turned it towards her, allowing her to see the message on the screen, her name in the to section, and the send button in the corner.
"Meeting Severide for dinner. Not sure when I'll be home. No need to wait up," it read.
Reading the text, Gabby wasn't sure what to think. On the one hand, he hadn't intended to worry her, and if Severide had reached out to Matt wanting to hang out, it wouldn't be unusual for him to say yes. The fact that he'd seemingly done so tonight might not mean anything. On the other hand, after the past day and a half, she couldn't help being hurt by the fact that he had told her not to wait up, and how did she know he hadn't gone out with Severide in order to avoid her. Last time her screwing up at work had started to come between them, he'd done just that. And he hadn't hugged or kissed her when he'd come in. He normally did at least one of those when he came home after working a construction job all day even if it was just a quick peck on the cheek.
"Guess I forgot to actually hit send," Matt said sheepishly, pulling her from her thoughts and worries. "Sorry. Didn't mean to leave you waiting for me to get home."
Gabby just nodded as she tried to figure out what to say. They needed to talk. She knew that. She wasn't sure if Matt did or if he was still pissed. More importantly she wasn't sure how to start that conversation.
"Would you mind putting the soup in the fridge?" she asked. Hopefully, the request would buy her some time.
"Sure," Matt said as he headed towards the stove, grabbing a container out of a cabinet as he passed it. He poured the soup into the container and then quickly washed the pot. Once the soup was in the fridge, he turned back towards her and spoke again. "I think I'm gonna head to bed."
"You're tired?" Gabby sputtered as she saw her chance to talk about everything slipping away. She was surprised too. Maybe he was trying to avoid her. "You slept all morning."
"And I told the Briggs' I'd be there at 6:30 tomorrow so they could show me what they need done before leaving for work," he pointed out.
"Should I sleep in the guest room?" she knew she wasn't handling this the right way, but she couldn't help herself.
"Huh? Are you not feeling well?" Matt didn't seem to understand what she was getting at.
"I feel fine," that wasn't true. She felt upset not fine, but she wasn't going to admit that right now.
"So why do you want to sleep in the guestroom?" he asked.
"I'm trying to figure out if you want me to sleep in the guest room," Gabby explained, prompting Matt to look at her as if she had two heads. "I mean you made it pretty clear this morning that you didn't want me sharing the bed."
"What? Why would you think that?" Matt clearly wasn't expecting that response.
"You shut the door when you went to bed this morning. That door is never shut," she told him. "Besides there was really no reason for you to be tired. We didn't get any calls last night. You should have been able to get a good's night sleep. Were you actually tired or were you just trying to avoid me?"
"Hey, come here," Matt responded as he reached for her. "We should talk."
Gabby simply nodded and got up. The two of them made their way into the living room. Once they were both seating on the couch, Matt took her hands in his before speaking again.
"Gabby, I was not trying to avoid you. I'm not sure where you would even get that idea," he said before Gabby interjected.
"Matt, I –" she started to say but Matt was determined to finish.
"I shut the door because I needed to try to get some sleep, and from what you had said when we got home, I figured you were going to be cooking not going to bed. Our bedroom's right by the kitchen. I wanted to try to block out any noise and the smell of food. And just because we were at the house all night, doesn't mean I got a good night's sleep. I didn't sleep well at all actually. I fell asleep easily enough, but I woke up a couple hours later after having what has to be the worst nightmare I've ever had. We were back at that call from yesterday afternoon, and you were sure you'd heard someone and were refusing to leave until you found them just like what actually happened. Only in my nightmare you weren't able to get out in time," Matt's voice got shakier and shakier the more he spoke. She could tell just how much this had rattled him. "It felt so real Gabby, maybe the most real dream I've ever had, and for a few minutes after I woke up, I wasn't sure it wasn't real. I wasn't sure if you were alive. It was when I finally got my bearings enough to realize that I was in my quarters that I knew it was just a dream. If you had actually just died, there's no way I'd still be on shift in the first place.
"You probably didn't realize this but I spent maybe half the night sitting on the floor next to your bunk, watching you sleep. I needed to see you, to see that you were alive and okay. I'm not sure how long I was actually there, but I'm pretty sure it was hours. Severide got up at one point and found me sitting there. He convinced me to get up, and we wound up talking for a while before going back to bed. I never managed to fall back asleep though. I couldn't get that damn nightmare out of my head. It may have been a slow shift, but after that, I was exhausted by the time we got home. I had to try to sleep."
"Were you able to?" Gabby asked.
"A little. It wasn't very restful, but at least it wasn't just me lying there in the dark, reminding myself that it had only been a dream," he told her. "After that, there is no way I would have been trying to avoid you."
"I'm sorry," Gabby replied. Hearing his explanation, she felt a little foolish for jumping to the possibility that he had been trying to avoid her. At least it had got them talking though. They needed to have this conversation. "It's just when we were at work, you seemed so mad and were being so harsh. I didn't know what to think."
"Gabby, I love you, but part of my job is to make sure you know when you screw up and to reprimand you for it. To remind you that at the firehouse you're simply the candidate so that you learn something. You know that," he tried to argue. "I didn't treat you any differently than I would have any other candidate in that situation."
"That's what I tried telling Shay, but she was right when she said that wasn't really true," she countered. "You didn't actually talk to me about what happened. You just kept being cold and insisting I do chores."
"Boden had already chewed you out, and I knew that you knew not just that you had done something wrong but what exactly it was too," he said.
"And I know you. Had Otis been the one insisting we stay in there to try find someone he thought he'd heard, the Chief having already done it wouldn't have stopped you from reaming him out and not just because I was the one in there with him," Gabby pointed out. "You didn't treat me the way I've seen you treat every other candidate when they went too far. You were harsher with me yesterday and this morning than you would have been on anyone else, and I'm not the only one who noticed. Sounded like Hermann did too."
Matt sighed as if he wanted to say something but Gabby continued.
"I think I get it though. I didn't realize how much you were affected by everything yesterday. I thought you were just furious with me for not listening and because Otis got hurt and that the fact that it was me made it worse."
"Of course I was angry. How could I not be?" Matt asked the rhetorical question. "We've talked about how you need to listen to your superiors because they know more than you. We've talked about it at work, at home, in therapy. You've heard that I don't even know how many times, and it doesn't seem to stick. Once again you just did what you wanted to. No matter who I'm being, I'm not going to be happy with that. Was part of the anger personal? I tried not let it impact how I acted, but how could it not? Once Hermann and I made it out, I could see why Boden ordered us out, how bad it was. I knew that any second things were going to start coming down, and you weren't listening to anyone. You were refusing to leave. Between your attitude and the state of the building, I was absolutely terrified. I didn't think you were going to wind up getting out of there in time. I've told you that I can't lose you. That if something happens to you on shift it's going to destroy me, and it was like none of that mattered to you. You're the one who insisted that we needed to go to therapy, but when what I said in there should have impacted what you did, you ignored it. What was even the point?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, and I would never intentionally do something that could destroy you. You have to know that," Gabby insisted. "When I was so sure I heard someone, I didn't stop to think about what the consequences of looking for them could be. It never crossed my mind that I could get myself and Otis killed so I didn't have any reason to factor how you'd feel about it into what I did. If I had, I wouldn't have just ignored it. I promise. All I could think about though was how sure I was that someone was there, and that if I just left, then I'd be leaving them to die. I never would have intentionally put you through what I did. I know the fact that it was all for nothing probably makes it worse, and I'm sorry."
"What do you mean it was for nothing?" Matt asked.
"Chief stopped by earlier. They didn't find any bodies near where I thought I heard someone," Gabby explained. "That should be a good thing, but I just keep thinking that I put you through all that, Otis got hurt, and we could have wound up going down the same road that almost destroyed us months ago again simply because I was convinced something was there that wasn't."
"We were never going to go down that path again. I wouldn't have let us," Matt told her. "You need to let this go Gabby. It's not going to be good for you or anyone else on 81 if you don't. Let's make a deal. We both stop beating you up over this, and if it looks like one of us is still doing that or starts again, the other will make sure they stop."
"Deal," Gabby nodded.
"We good?" Matt asked. Gabby responded by leaning in and brushing her lips softly against his until Matt responded, and the kiss got more intense.
"We good," she said slightly breathlessly as she pulled away.
Matt started to smile in response but it quickly turned into a yawn.
"I really should get to bed," he said. "I'd love the company though."
"Of course," Gabby replied. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see that it was nearly midnight. Even if Matt hadn't asked her, she probably would have been heading to bed soon.
Matt pulled her off the couch as he got up, and they headed hand in hand towards their bedroom. Once inside, Matt quickly stripped down to his boxers and got into the bed. Gabby felt his eyes on her though as she sorted through one of his drawers, trying to decide what to wear to bed. She ultimately settled on one of his t-shirts. She stripped down to her panties before pulling the t-shirt over her head. A blush formed on her cheeks when she caught him watching her as she changed, making him smirk.
"Hey Matt," she said as she joined him in bed. "There's definitely a point to therapy. I don't think we would have had that conversation without it."
"Everything go okay with Boden?" Antonio asked as Matt took Gabby's hand in his and sat down in his chair. Matt just gave his almost brother-in-law a confused look, prompting Antonio to explain. "Your sister said that your boss was here to discuss what was going on with you and Gabby."
"Do you have to go back to work?" Camila asked. She and the rest of her family had assumed that the conversation had been about how much time off Matt had taken. He had never told them that the rest of the CFD knew about his and Gabby's relationship.
"Boden didn't stop by," Matt said, hoping that would be the end of it. He didn't want to have to admit to Ramon and Camila that their daughter might wake up to find her career in danger and that she was at least going to be facing some sort of disciplinary action.
"Then who did?" Ramon asked.
"Someone from headquarters needed to talk to me about something," Matt tried to dodge.
"What's going on Casey?" Antonio knew Matt well enough to know that the man was trying to hide something.
Realizing he wasn't going to get away with continuing to keep the investigation from them, Matt sighed in frustration before speaking.
"I didn't say anything because I didn't want to give you something else to worry about," he began. "But a few weeks ago the CFD found out that Gabby and I were together when she started working under me and that I and everyone else have been lying about why I haven't been at work. They opened an investigation into Gabby and me and everyone else we work with. Someone stopped by to let me know what they were going to do to discipline me. I don't know what they're going to do to Gabby. I don't think they do either. At least they told me that they'd figure it out once she's ready to return to work. I tried to do as much as I could to protect her, to take as much of the heat for this as I could so that it doesn't wind up on her. I don't know how much good it did though. They didn't seem to agree with me when I said I should get all the blame."
"I never understood why you felt you had to lie," Camila said, the tone in her voice indicating that she had never really approved.
"They never would have let her work under me if they knew we were together, and then who knows how long it would have been before she was assigned to a truck company. She wanted it so badly, and after everything that had happened with Shay and then losing her original spot, all I wanted most was to make her happy. It seemed like the best option at the time," Matt explained. "And then after the accident, I couldn't tell the department that I was taking time off to be at Gabby's side. They'd start to figure out that there was more between us than a working relationship or even friendship. It's not like everyone else took even a shift off. Once they figured it out, Gabby, Boden, and I were going to be in trouble. I was trying to protect us, especially Gabby. I didn't want her to have to deal with the fallout. It was the last thing she needed. Now she's going to have to deal with it anyways."
Looking down, he turned his attention towards Gabby before continuing.
"I'm sorry babe," he apologized. "I'm not going to give up though. I'll do whatever I can to protect you. I hope you know that."
"I'm sure she does," Camila couldn't help trying to reassure him. She was pretty sure her daughter wouldn't want the man she loved to put so much blame on himself.
"If you knew what you know now, would you have done it?" Ramon asked.
Instead of responding, Matt stared at the man. He knew that Ramon was referring to the decision to have Gabby work under him, not to the coverup that had happened after the accident. He had never really thought about that decision once it had been made, but now he found himself doing just that. The truth was that had Boden not offered to look the other way and accept her on 81, he never would have suggested it. Not just because he would have been sure that Boden would say no and be mad that he had even asked about it or because he thought he and Gabby couldn't handle it. Up until the moment she'd walked out the door, bag in hand, he'd truly believed they'd get through it okay. Maybe that had been part of the problem. Maybe his faith in their ability to not be affected by their working relationship blinded him to the fact that it was affecting them. Regardless the reasons he wouldn't have suggested it were selfish ones. He didn't want to hide how much he loved her; he wanted to shout it from the rooftops, and after the past few years with suddenly and unexpectedly losing Andy and then Hallie and then Shay, he knew that life was short. Tomorrow wasn't guaranteed, especially in their line of work, and so he didn't want to take a moment with Gabby for granted. That's what they had done though by putting off the wedding.
Did he regret it though? Gabby had been a wreck after Shay's death. As much as she'd tried to hide it from him, he'd seen it. On the surface, she'd handled it better than Severide, but he knew her too well to buy it. He'd tried to be there for her as much as he could, but he knew that being at 51 with the guys was one of the things she was holding onto, one of the things that was helping her. She hadn't agreed to stay and delay the start of her candidacy for Boden's benefit as much as she had her own. Forcing Gabby to do her candidacy elsewhere would have meant taking that lifeline away from her. What's more had she left 51, there's no way of knowing what type of officer she would have served under. While she wouldn't have been working for Welch and he knew there were plenty of officers in the CFD who would have treated her right, the only way he could ensure she had a good lieutenant was to accept her on 81. Not because he loved her, but because he always did his best to respect everyone under his command and train them well. And then there were the selfish reasons. As long as she was on 81, he could do whatever was necessary to protect her, and it was comforting to know exactly where she was and what sort of danger she was in on every call. Had she been at another house on another Truck, he wouldn't know what was going on.
So no he didn't regret that decision itself. It was everything that came after that he regretted. Not seeing beyond his anger to realize that it was tearing them apart. Not being willing to talk to her and put her needs before his. Those are the things that he would change if he could back. Before he could say anything though, the door opened and an unexpected voice joined the conversation.
"Whose sick of cafeteria food?" Severide asked as he entered the room.
"I'm not going anywhere," Matt said without turning his head. He assumed that his friend was going to try to get at least him to leave and eat elsewhere.
"I'm not asking you to," Severide replied as he held up the brown bag in his right hand, hoping it would catch Casey's attention. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't starting to worry about his fellow lieutenant's refusal to leave the hospital, even if he understood why the man was so attached to it, but he wasn't going to pick that battle. Not yet anyways. "I brought Chinese. Figured you guys could probably go for something other than the fine cuisine this place has to offer."
"That was very thoughtful of you," Camila commented. "I'll help you set it up."
With those words Camila got up and helped Severide lay out the food on the counter along the right wall. Once the food was up, the rest of them got up and started grabbing their food, grateful for the change in cuisine.
Observing the food spread, Matt wasn't really surprised to find that it was all beef and pork. Severide seemed to always go for meat. And he'd seemingly bought enough to feed a small army. There were spare ribs, pot stickers, moo shi pork, Mongolian beef, Szechuan style beef, Kung Pao Beef, and what looked like pork fried rice. The fact that Gabby's favorite wasn't there though was like a kick in the gut. Not that he would have expected his friend to make note of Gabby's favorite foods or account for her tastes when she wouldn't be eating with them, but the lack of the sesame chicken that she always insisted on ordering was just a painful reminder of the present circumstances. Even after she moved out, whenever they would have Chinese takeout, he'd order it. After his time with Gabby, it just felt weird not to have it.
The five of them ate in silence and then engaged in small talk for about half an hour until Antonio sensed that Severide was waiting to talk to Matt in private.
"I think I'm ready to call it a night. You guys mind heading home?" he addressed his parents. Having brought them to the hospital that morning, he couldn't leave without them.
"I suppose," Camila replied. Truth was she was never ready to leave. It was her little girl in that hospital bed, and the only thing harder than being here was leaving, but she didn't think following Matt's lead and moving into her daughter's hospital room was a good idea.
Ramon simply nodded. The three Dawson's said their goodbyes, and after one last longing look at Gabby left the room.
"How you really holding up man?" Severide asked about a minute after the door had closed.
"This has been my life for the past seven weeks," Matt pointed out. "Gabby's going to wake up though, and when she does, I'll be fine. It'll be worth the wait. Until then well, I still have most of what really matters. Gabby's life and my love for her. It's not enough, but for now it has to be. Hopefully, I still have her love, and if I do, once she's awake, that'll be enough."
"What about your job?" Severide shifted the conversation towards what he had really wanted to talk about. "I know you said before that you don't really care what the CFD does to you, but now you've had time to think about it. I get that Dawson's your main concern at this point, but when this is over," he motioned towards Gabby and her hospital bed. "Are you really going to be happy if you lose your job or even your bugle?"
"My job's not in danger," Matt replied. Before he could elaborate though the door opened, revealing Chief Boden.
"Sorry I'm late," the Chief said as he entered the room and took the seat next to Severide and diagonally across from Matt. "Donna was having a hard time getting Terrence down. He's fussing."
"It's okay Chief. You missed Dawson's family though," Severide replied.
"What's going on?" Matt was confused. It sounded like the Chief and Severide had planned to visit him together. He just didn't understand why, but he hoped Camila's words form earlier hadn't been foreshadowing. Boden and Severide should both have known better than to try to force him back to work. Not that he'd be able to return to work until his suspension was up anyways.
"The department's finished its investigation," the Chief began.
"I know. Chief Tiberg came to see me earlier. Don't see why he couldn't have just called though," Matt was still annoyed about having to go downstairs to meet with the man.
"I thought he might come by today, that's why –," Boden started to say but this time Severide interrupted him.
"So that's what you meant when you said your job wasn't in danger," a smile started to form on the Squad lieutenant's face. "Tiberg didn't take your badge or your bugle."
"He didn't," Matt simply said as he squeezed Gabby's hand, hoping that the CFD wouldn't be too hard on her.
"As I was saying, I asked Severide to meet me here tonight because when I spoke to Chief Tiberg this morning, it sounded like he would be coming here today," Boden finally managed to get a word in. "He wouldn't tell me much about what had been decided. Said that other than that I wasn't losing anyone from my house and most of men weren't being disciplined, everything could wait until I returned from my suspension."
"You were suspended?" Matt couldn't help but feel bad for the situation he and Gabby had put their Chief and friend in.
"Yeah, but don't feel bad. I knew what I was doing when I offered to accept Dawson on 81 and when I suggested we come up with another reason for you to be off shift," Boden understood what Matt was thinking.
"But Tiberg told me that the CFD didn't have any rules about lying about our personal lives," Matt said.
"For you your relationship with Dawson is personal, but for me, what goes on with the people under my command and how it effects their ability to their jobs is not. It's all part of my job as battalion chief. As far as the CFD is concerned, I knew I was opening the door to a potentially problematic situation and did it anyways," Boden explained. "And it's not just that, it's the example I set. That the rules, whether or official or unofficial, don't really matter and it's okay to do whatever you want. That lying and cover ups are okay in my house. I'm the battalion chief. When it comes to what happens at 51, the buck stops with me."
"I'm sorry Chief. I know Gabby is too," Matt said. "We never wanted anyone to get in trouble."
"How long did you get?" Severide asked. It's not that he had been expecting Boden back next shift or anything. He knew the man had been contemplating retirement after all, but the idea of having to spend significantly more time with Chief Pridgen was far from appealing.
"A month unpaid and a formal reprimand. I'll be back after the suspension though," Boden informed them.
"So no retirement then?" Severide observed.
"No. Donna wasn't too thrilled with the idea," Boden admitted. "She tried to pass it off as saying she didn't think I'd be happy off the job, but apparently I've been hovering, and it's driving her crazy."
"Women," Severide shook his head.
"Hey, I'd give anything for Gabby to tell me I was driving her crazy," Matt told Severide before leaning down to place a kiss on Gabby's forehead and addressing her. "Not that I want to annoy you babe. It's just if I was that would mean you were awake, and I want that more than anything."
"If how you've been acting since Dawson's accident is any indication of how you're going to act when she's awake, I'm sure you'll be hearing that a lot," Severide said.
"You've just never been truly in love," Matt defended himself. "If this was Donna, you'd be doing the same thing Chief, wouldn't you?"
"So a month, huh?" Severide quickly changed the subject before he could get ganged up on. "I think I speak for the whole house when I say it can't go by fast enough. I don't think any of us can take too much more of Chief Pridgen. I certainly can't."
'You won't have to. I'm not sure why, but Pridgen won't be back at 51," Boden replied. "You'll be getting a new interim Chief tomorrow. Don't know who it is though."
"Well, he can't be any worse," Severide muttered. "When they called me down to headquarters this afternoon, Tiberg said that regarding the call I was being investigated for, several people outside 51, including the building manager who got hurt, told them that they heard Pridgen ordering me to take Squad to go check on the neighbor who hurt his ankle. I'm cleared of the whole thing, but I doubt the department was happy with him for trying to place the blame on me. No matter how many friends he has in high places. Kind of ironic. He started the whole mess you two are in by making sure everyone knew we were all lying about stuff when he was doing the exact same thing."
"They didn't do anything to you, then?" Matt asked.
"No. I didn't do anything wrong at that call so there was so reason to discipline me over it. As for everything with you and Dawson, they clearly weren't happy about it and are disappointed that no one blew the whistle on the whole thing, but I think they saw it as us just following orders," Severide informed him.
"I got the impression that when it came to Casey and Dawson's relationship and Casey being here, it was just the two of us and maybe Dawson who would be disciplined," Boden said. "They see us as having put everyone else in a bad situation. Firefighters are trained to listen their chiefs and captains and lieutenants, and that's what everyone else was doing here."
"Do you have any idea what they're going to do to Gabby?" Matt couldn't help but ask. He needed to know that he hadn't destroyed her career. "They told me that they wouldn't make a decision on her until after they knew she was going to be okay, but she's going to be okay, and how do I know they're not just trying to keep it from me? They wouldn't fire her over this, would they?"
"They didn't tell me, but no I don't think they'd fire her," Boden answered. "I can't imagine she'd be in more trouble than we are. A year ago, when she first asked me about possibly doing her candidacy on Truck 81, she didn't seem to realize that it wouldn't be allowed with two of you dating. You know I remember after I told her it wasn't an option, she tried to find a precedent for someone working under their boyfriend. When I told her the example she gave didn't work out the way she thought it did, she was disappointed but she got it or at least she got that I wasn't about to let it happen."
"51 has always been a second home to her. Well, back then it was more like a third home. My place was her second home," Matt explained where he knew Gabby had been coming from. "She never really wanted to leave. She would have done it to become a firefighter if she had to. She wanted that so badly, but I think she saw that fact that she was going to have to leave as the one downside to the whole thing. The idea of not working with Shay and the rest of you was not something she was looking forward to."
"As concerned as I was about the two of you working together, I was glad to still have her around. I know everyone was," Boden said. "Anyways, the point I was trying to make was that she didn't know that working under you was a problem. I was the one who told her that, and then I was the one who said it would be okay, and she certainly wasn't involved with lying about why you've been off shift or even knew about it."
"Aside from being the reason," Severide cut in.
"You and I were far more in the wrong about this whole thing than Dawson was. The department must know that," Boden continued as if he hadn't been interrupted.
"You haven't told us what they did to you," Severide pointed out after looking at his watch. It was getting late, and since he hadn't been suspended, he did have to be at work in the morning. Still, he wasn't about to leave without getting the information he had come for, how much trouble Casey had been in.
"Two weeks suspension without pay, formal reprimand, and probation," Matt emotionlessly listed almost everything off. He left out the part about random visits to see how Truck 81 was performing under his leadership, understanding, even though it hadn't been explicitly said, that he and probably Boden were the only people at 51 who were allowed to know about that. "All in all, I can't complain. I was expecting a lot worse. I think that's why I'm so nervous about what they're going to do to Gabby."
"I was too. I need to head out though," Severide said as he started to get up. Before leaving though, he turned his attention to Gabby. "Wake up soon Dawson. This one needs you."
With that Severide walked out of the room, leaving Chief Boden to tell Matt and Gabby's unconscious form stories about Terrence. Listening to the Chief, Matt couldn't help but think about the day in the future when it would be him and Gabby sharing stories about their own four month old child. That day was still coming. He knew it with every fiber of his being, and when Boden left, he was going to tell Gabby every detail of what he was imagining. Maybe, just maybe, that was what would finally help her.
Author's Note: So I have no idea what CFD policy actually is or how they would actually handle a situation like this. I tried looking it up online months ago but got nowhere. Considering that Cruz got a 60 day suspension for what was essentially an off duty bar fight, I suspect at least Casey and Boden would be facing a steeper punishment than what I gave them, but I decided I wanted to go this route long before that episode aired. And you know what? It's my story and my world so I guess that gives me the right to do what I want here.
Anyways, thanks again for reading and please review.