"Where do you live, Mommy?"
Tony pauses in the act of dumping potato chips into a large bowl. He's in the kitchen and they're in the living room, where Angelina's Play-Doh table permanently resides. It's the very first time he's been one place while Ziva and Angelina were together elsewhere, out of his sight. For whatever reason, it makes him nervous, and the probing questions aren't doing anything to calm him.
Ziva responds casually, though. "I live in an apartment about ten miles from here. It is the same size as your home."
"Me and Daddy can come visit you!" Angelina exclaims. "Oh, look at my cap-illar. It's pretty."
"It is," Ziva agrees, then adds, "You will have to ask your daddy, but I would love for both of you to come over."
Might be his imagination- or wishful thinking- but Tony thinks her voice seems a bit louder, as if she wants to make sure he hears her.
He grabs the chips and starts to go rejoin them, but stops dead in his tracks when Angelina speaks again. "Daddy says you didn't see us 'cause you love me."
Damn it.
Hidden behind the doorframe, Tony holds his breath and cranes his neck to watch the scene unfold. Oblivious to the gravity of what she just said, Angelina continues to work on her caterpillar.
Finally, after a freaking eternity, Ziva says, "Your father is right. I do love you."
Angelina brushes a braid over her shoulder and looks up. "But you didn't wanna see me?"
The breaking of Ziva's heart is visible on her stricken face. She eases herself closer to Angelina and, with only a moment of hesitation, touches the little girl's arm. Tony closes his eyes. Her next words are nearly drowned out by the rushing of his blood. "I wanted to see you, Angelina. There was nothing I wanted more. But I was not able to."
"Why?"
"I would not have been a good mother when you were younger. But I…" Her voice wavers. "I think that I can be a good mother now."
"'Cause you love me?"
"Yes."
"I guess I love you, too."
Silence. Tony grimaces at the wording- I guess; why did she say that?- and counts to three before opening his eyes and peeking back into the living room. Ziva's arms are wound tightly around Angelina, the first real hug she's given her daughter. Her face is pressed against Angelina's hair, but Tony can still see that she is crying.
He inhales deeply, relieved, and turns away. The joy of hearing Angelina say 'I love you' to him for the first time is something he'll never forget, and it's sad that Ziva hasn't had that experience before now. He's going to let her savor it.
0000000000
Later, when Ziva is preparing to leave, he sends Angelina to wash Play-Doh off her hands. Once she is gone, he goes to Ziva and says, "Hey."
She smiles weakly. "Hi."
"Listen… what Ang said earlier? About you not wanting to see her? Don't let it bother you. She's… she's at that stage, you know, where she's always wondering stuff and everything's a question…"
"It was a valid thing to ask, Tony."
"Maybe, but-"
"I really do not mind," she interrupts gently. "I asked my father the same question many times."
His jaw drops in surprise, then rises back into place. What she said is probably true, but the comparison of herself to her father irks him. Eli David chose his job over his family. Ziva, in her mind, chose Angelina's safety over the desire to stay with her.
Maybe there are flaws in her logic, but any way you cut it, her decision is a lot more honorable.
"I told her that I love her," Ziva says, biting her thumbnail worriedly.
"I heard."
"Should I not have done that?"
Tony shrugs. "Dunno why not. She asked."
"Okay," she says, but doesn't look entirely convinced.
Before receiving permission from his brain, his hand reaches out and squeezes the shoulder of this woman he loves, even now, even after the havoc he's wreaked on his life and heart. "You're doing a good job, Ziva."
"I hope so." She pats his hand with her own. Silence falls, only to be broken by her. "I meant to ask you. What do you think Angelina would like for her birthday?"
It's so surreal, the fact that she's actually going to be around when Angelina turns a year older, that there will be a present picked out by Mommy. He just never expected this to be the case. "Books. Anything with Dora on it." Something occurs to him, and he leans toward her. For some reason, this feels like it should be discussed quietly. "Listen, I know you haven't seen them since you got back, but the team usually comes over for her birthday. We eat cake, whatever. You can come if you want."
Ziva sighs and peeks past him. He turns just in time to see Angelina scurry into her bedroom. When she doesn't emerge, Ziva says, "I did go to see Gibbs a couple of days ago."
Tony studies her face. "How was it?"
"We talked for a long time. He… he understands my motivation for… leaving, but warned me that the others…" She laughs humorlessly. "The others are not as forgiving. And I cannot blame them for that. But, Tony, I have missed five of her birthdays. I really… if it's okay with you… I do not want to miss another one."
"Then come. Everyone else can suck it up," he declares, sounding much more confident than he feels.
She smiles. Angelina reappears, bearing a piece of paper with something unidentifiable drawn on it. "I made this for you yesterday!" she tells Ziva.
Her mothers takes it, handles it, as if it's a Van Gogh. "Beautiful, Angelina. I will hang it on my fridge."
0000000000
Ziva gets a job as a secretary, and it sinks in for Tony that she's really staying, that she's going to be a part of Angelina's- and his- future.
As usual, he has mixed feelings about this.
Abby's feelings are not conflicted at all. She is relentless in her anger. When Tony pays a visit to her lab to try and persuade her to give Ziva another chance, she will not look at him. She pounds on her keyboard, focuses on the computer screen. "No."
"She's here for good, Abby. It's gonna be really hard to avoid her. You might as well just… hop on board."
"I'll pass."
"You know, I haven't fully forgiven her, either," Tony says. "Not yet. And maybe there'll always be a part of me that wonders why, but that's okay. I'm setting it aside so my daughter can have her mother back. That's what matters. So can you please, please be civil to Ziva for a few hours so Ang can have her mom and her aunt on her birthday?"
Abby finally turns around, but only to glare at him. "Tony DiNozzo, are you using that precious, doe-eyed, pigtailed child against me?"
"Yep."
"I hate you."
"Join the club."
She groans. "Fine. Fine, fine, fine. I'll do it… for you and Angelina. I'm still mad at Ziva."
And, as promised, she does come for Angelina's sixth birthday on the seventeenth of August, marble cake in hand like every year. The rest of the team arrives soon afterward, and the adults gather in the kitchen while Angelina plays with Jacob, Palmer and Breena's son. They speak in hushed voices, anticipating Ziva's arrival. Tony barely talks at all; he's too nervous.
He shouldn't have invited her.
How had this ever seemed like a good idea?
Idiot.
When she arrives and he's leading her into the kitchen, he watches out of the corner of his eye as her shoulders tense and feels his own doing the same thing. There is no sound coming from any of his teammates, and this is bad, really bad-
"Hi, Mommy!" Angelina exclaims, waving excitedly. "It's my birthday!"
"I know," Ziva says with a genuine smile, setting down two colorfully wrapped packages. "You are a big girl. Six years old!"
Angelina holds up six fingers. Beside her, Jacob tries to imitate it. "This many!"
"Very good," Ziva says. All eyes are trained on this mother-daughter interactioin, but then Angelina returns her attention to her toddling sidekick. Ziva looks at the others and, somewhat uncomfortably, greets them. "It is nice to see you all."
"You too, my dear," Ducky says, sending her a small smile. Everybody else echoes him, if in a less enthusiastic manner, and Gibbs asks how she is. Tony gets the idea that only the three of them know about Ziva's visit to the basement.
They make small talk, and he starts to relax. Angelina and Jacob keep the mood lighter than it would be otherwise. Candles are lit, 'Happy Birthday' is sung, cake is served. Tony watches Ziva keenly observe all the festivities. Abby is the one handing out plates, and he holds his breath as she takes grudging steps toward Ziva.
"Want some?" she asks.
"Yes. Thank you." Ziva smiles, Abby nods, and it's over. And it's fine.
Just as Tony recommended to anyone who asked, Angelina's presents consist of toys featuring Dora and books, with one notable exception, and that's Gibbs' traditional wood masterpiece. This year it's a bookcase. Angelina wants to put her new books in it, and Tony lets her, even though he knows he'll have to unload them when he goes to move it later.
Really, it's a good day. Even though everyone sticks to safe topics and rarely does any adult address Ziva directly, nobody gives her the cold shoulder. Once, he does overhear Abby say, "So, I'm mad at you, but… I've missed you."
Ziva's response is too soft for him to hear- or maybe he is preoccupied with the sudden swelling of his heart and the burning behind his eyes.
Hope.
This is what actual hope feels like.
Happy New Year, everyone!