Broken
"Well you walk these lonely streets that people send, People send
There are some wounds that just can't mend
I do pretend
I am free from all the things that take my friends
But I will stand here till the end."
Robert Pattinson-I was Broken
Mood Music: I was Broken- Robert Pattinson version, Fully Alive by Flyleaf (acoustic version), Learning to Breathe by Switchfoot
Bella sat next to the pond, her fingers lightly tracing over the water and distorting her image. The picture seemed fitting to her, the slow and steady ripples working over the surface. It seemed to soothe her frayed nerves and put her at ease.
Rose was on her way and Bella knew that she would have to tell her what was going on. Tell her how she was feeling. For the first time in her life, Bella wasn't sure what she was going to say. She knew, from telling her about the affair, that Rose would understand and be supportive.
It didn't help the ache in her chest.
There was really only one person that Bella wanted to tell, one person she wanted to know. And that was impossible. It had been one month since she had received the letter from Edward, one month since she saw him in the courtroom. They had kept it to zero contact after that.
It would have been too hard, too imprudent to see him. Her heart was still broken from the letter.
How could you love and loathe someone so much at the same time?
Bella ran her hand through her hair in frustration. She knew that she should tell Edward the news. He was the father, after all, and he had a right to know. At the same point in time, he was probably busy planning for the birth of his and Tanya's child.
Could she really put this extra burden on his shoulders?
Bella was jolted out of her thoughts by the sight of Rose walking through the opening to the clearing, clearly annoyed. Her hands were running through her hair wiping off, what Bella imagined were, invisible spider webs.
"There is nothing in your hair Rose."
"So says you," Rose grumbled in annoyance. "You could have picked a better spot."
Bella rolled her eyes at Rose's high maintenance attitude before chuckling softly at her friend.
"Well at least it got a smile out of you, that's something I haven't seen for awhile."
Bella felt a blush flush her cheeks and she bowed her head down, once again looking at her reflection in the water. She could feel Rose move to sit next to her, could feel her hand as she placed it on her shoulder.
"Tell me." Rose whispered softly. "Please, you have been so closed off this last month. Tell me what's going on."
"I kept my promise to you and I went to see the doctor." Bella whispered her eyes moving to meet Rose's.
"You're not sick are you?" Rose asked softly her eyes scanning Bella's face before opening in shock. "Oh god, you're pregnant aren't you?"
Bella couldn't find the words to speak, to confirm what Rosalie was saying. Instead, she silently nodded looking to her friend for comfort and understanding.
"Is it Mike's?"
"God no," Bella cringed at the thought. "I haven't been with Mike in so long, so very long."
"Edward?" Rose questioned softly.
"Yes," Bella answered her voice wavering with emotion. "I'm having Edward's baby."
"Oh honey," Rose whispered and suddenly Bella was enveloped in her arms. "It will be okay. We will work though this together. Don't worry, everything will be okay."
Bella found the tears she had been holding back finally flowing down her face. She wiped them away, almost angrily. "I should be happy, Rose. I should be celebrating with the love of my life and I can't. He can't know. I've already done so many things wrong."
Rose looked at her in questioning before Bella heard her gasp. "You're not thinking of getting an abortion are you? Bella take it from me, you will regret it."
"It's not even a consideration for me. I can't get rid of this piece of him, this piece of us. I already love it too much. What do you mean, take it from me?"
Rose sighed in relief before brushing her hair off of her face. "I was raped when I was fifteen by my boyfriend," she looked down at the water as she spoke "and I got pregnant. I was so young, so stupid. I honestly thought that he loved me. My parents talked me into aborting it. I regret my decision every day. I would give anything, now, to have a family, to have someone to love me unconditionally."
"I never knew," Bella gasped.
"I don't like to talk about it, to relive it. It brings back so many memories, so much pain. This place is so peaceful; I can see why you love it."
Bella took her change in topic with a grain of salt, realizing that the topic was probably difficult for Rose to talk about. They sat together in silence, neither saying anything and neither needing to.
"You said you need my help?" Rose broke the silence.
"I do," Bella replied softly. "The moment I got that call my life changed, Rose. I can't keep living with friends, moving Alice place to place. I need to find a steady place, a home base. I need to a job with a steady income. Child support is helping with Alice but I just don't think it's enough. Most importantly I need to get me well again."
Rose nodded in encouragement as Bella continued to talk.
"I had a bit of a freak out earlier, I'm not going to downplay it or lie about it. I think I need to talk to someone, to work on getting myself well."
"You mean like a psychologist?" Rose questioned.
"Yes."
"I know just the one." Rose spoke softly as she pulled out her cell phone and flipped through the numbers. "I've heard some really great things about him from my clients." Rose looked up at her for a moment, her eyes glistening with some emotion Bella couldn't read.
"You're doing the right thing." Rose spoke softly. "You need to take care of you to take care of the baby."
"I know," Bella sighed. "I just need to be able to sleep through the night again."
"You're not sleeping?" Rose suddenly sounded angry and Bella instantly regretted the words that left her mouth.
"Not completely through the night."
"Bella you should have come to me sooner! How long has this been going on for?"
"Since that night in the hotel room," Bella whispered.
"Bella, that was three months ago!"
Bella winced slightly at the tone in her voice. "I know. It's not like I am not getting any sleep at all I just have been having nightmares."
"Well the pregnancy could have something to do with that, but I'm sure the stress of everything that is going on isn't helping. Talking to a psychologist will really help you learn to deal with that."
"I really hope so." Bella whispered.
--
Bella sat in the waiting room, her hands nervously twirling the strings from her sweatshirt in her hand. She had flipped through the magazines quickly, unable to focus enough to read the articles. Rose had offered to come with her, to help ease the nerves but she had declined.
This was something she was going to have to do alone.
Her stomach continued to do somersaults and Bella was thankful that she had placed some crackers in her purse. Pulling them out she nibbled on them as she looked around at everyone else sitting in the waiting room.
It seemed like a normal doctor's office, but she had never really been one for going to see the doctor. Not that it had prevented her from having to go quite frequently. She was anything but graceful as a child that was for certain.
Bella's fingers began to tap nervously on her legs and she noticed a young child looking at her and smiling. The thoughts led her to wonder what her and Edward's child would look like. Would it have his eyes? Have his hair? His face? Would it have her hair? Her nose?
The thoughts seemed to calm her nerves and she found herself relaxing into the seat. She was doing this for Alice and for her unborn child. While she had never seen a psychiatrist before, she knew that there were no strange tests to be nervous about.
Bella was startled from her thoughts by the calling of her name and she looked up at the mousy nurse, suddenly feeling nervous once again.
"Isabella Swan."
She rose from her seat making her way through the small hallway and into a fully furnished room. Bella looked around at the plaques on the wall and the books lining the shelf. There was a plush chair located in front of a large mahogany desk.
Behind the desk sat an older male with curly white hair and a pair of rimmed glasses. He rose from his chair, straightening out his tie before walking around and extending his hand.
"Isabella Swan, my name is Dr. Parker. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"It's nice to meet you as well." Bella replied softly, her eyes scanning the room.
"From what I understand you were referred here by Dr. Smith and a friend of yours a Mrs. Hale?"
"That's correct." Bella answered hesitantly.
"Where are my manners," Dr. Parker pointed to the chair in front of his desk "please have a seat. Since this is our first meeting I thought we could just kind of talk over what you wanted to get out of our meetings and go over some general guidelines."
Bella took a seat in the chair her eyes still scanning the room nervously. Dr. Parker made his way around setting behind his desk and looking down at a file before looking back up at her.
"Is this your first time seeing a psychologist?" he questioned.
"Yes."
"I understand you are probably nervous then, but there is really no reason to be. Everything that is spoken in this room stays between you and I. I also want to make it clear that it is perfectly normal to talk to a psychologist. Everyone needs to talk to someone about their problems and who better than someone that truly wants to help you?"
Bella nodded, silently acknowledging what he was saying.
"I want you to understand that it is admirable that you are coming to talk to me about your problems. I also want to tell you that if you really give this a try it can be very beneficial to you. Now when Mrs. Hale made your appointment she stated that you were suffering from signs of severe stress and that you also recently ended a serious relationship."
"That's correct."
"I've also been told by Dr. Smith that congratulations are in order. You are expecting your second child?"
"Yes."
"Well I am sure that it can't be easy ending a relationship and finding out that you are pregnant all in such a short time. Did Dr. Smith explain to you the effects that stress has on your fetus?"
Bella nodded.
"Alright," Dr. Parker nodded "do you have any questions for me?"
"Not really any that I can think of." Bella answered. "I just want to get better, to feel better. For myself and for my children."
"I can promise you, Bella, that if you are open and honest with me and willing to work on it than you will get better."
"Can I ask you one more thing?" Dr. Parker questioned looking at her over his glasses as he looked at her file.
"Of course."
"Does the father know?"
"No." Bella whispered.
"Do you want him to?"
"I'm not quite sure yet." Bella answered shrugging softly. "I want him to know, to be there, but I don't want it to interfere with his life."
A small ding sounded and the doctor looked at her closely for a second before giving her a pleasant smile.
"Looks like our time is over Isabella. Until next time."
There is a forum on Twilighted… but now there is also a forum on this very site! If you go to my profile and click on My Forums I have posted a forum for people to chat over the story… come in and say hi! You might even get some surprising insights into the characters!
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