"Denigrate"

Rating: PG-13 (for strong language)

Summary: Raphael is tired of being vilified by his family.

Damn, I fucking hate this place and everyone in it. I hate that they're always making me out to be the bad guy. I hate how they blame everything on my temper. That's the only part of my personality they ever seem to notice and they sure as shit don't hesitate to comment on it like I wasn't even fucking aware that I had one.

Hell, I know I do. I ain't gonna deny it, but I ain't gonna let them accuse me of being the only turtle with a temper either. Everyone forgets how nasty Leo can be when he's riled up. But it's okay 'cause he's the leader and he's under a lot of stress and he shouldn't be ashamed to let his feelings out and it's perfectly fine if he wants to go off all by himself to let out steam. I, on the other hand, am supposed to control my rage and keep my ass home because if I don't I'll lose my head and do something stupid.

Like take a pipe to Mikey's head.

They ain't ever gonna let me fucking forget that one. It don't matter that I admitted to being in the wrong. It don't matter that I apologized to Mikey and the rest of the family. It don't matter that Mikey said that he forgave me. They throw that mistake in my face every chance they get. I guess they enjoy making me feel like the biggest piece of shit that ever walked the earth.

Maybe I ought to start bringing up the time Leo threw me off a roof over a damn sword. Or the time he got so pissed at Splinter that he sliced our old man's forehead open with his katana. He got sent away because of the way he was acting, but somehow he's still the goddamn golden boy of the family. I'm the one that's full of demons. And the Fearless Leader has taken it upon himself to try and exorcise the fuckers out by what else?

Lecturing me.

That pompous asshole can't ever keep the condescension out of his voice. Likes to think he's Mr. Important and his words are the answer to all problems. Yeah, 'cause him telling me I can't let myself get mad is somehow going to miraculously remove "angry" from the list of emotions I can feel. It makes me want to try and better myself when I hear him say I'm going to be the one who ruins his precious fucking team if I don't check my attitude. I do see how fair it is to be labeled a hot-headed, selfish prick even though Leo acts just as rashly as I do sometimes. But god forbid I ever point out Leo's shortcomings. Oh, no, then I'm a stubborn ass who's only looking to start a fight. Leo wouldn't ever throw the first punch. That's my job.

At least, it is according to Mikey.

That little brat has to make everything into a fucking joke…

…Don't make Raph mad unless you don't like the way your face looks…or…Raph's got the red mask because that's what color he turns when he gets mad…or…good thing we don't wear clothes because we couldn't afford to replace them every time Raph goes into Hulk mode…

…then he proceeds to antagonize the hell out of me. I ignore him and he redoubles his efforts until I hit my breaking point and beat his sorry ass into leaving me alone. He goes crying to Leo or Sensei and I'm the one at fault. They're right though. I shouldn't have to resort to violence to convey to Mikey that I don't want him bothering me. He should know to stop the first damn time I ask him to, but Splinter and Splinter Junior don't ever consider that to be a solution to the fucking problem. I'm the one who's gotta change. Not Mikey.

Just don't let him get to you. That's what Don says. I would've thought that he could understand how hard that is since Mikey's always bugging him while he's doing his science shit. But then Don can tear Mikey a new one and toss him out of the lab without worrying about getting in trouble or being called a bully. Must be nice.

Yeah, I used to really rely on Don. He always seemed to have a sympathetic ear whenever I needed to vent. Should have realized sooner that he's just too damn polite to have turned me away. Well…polite most of the time. His tongue's got a sharp edge to it if you succeed in pissing him off. Thought I had managed to keep myself on Don's good side, but apparently not. Seems that nowadays I can't even open my mouth before he interrupts to roll his eyes and snap at me to shut down my temper. It may hard to believe, but I ain't always got something negative to say and Don's assumption that I'm just gonnna launch into a tirade is pretty damn insulting. I guess he's ready to give up on me, too.

Just like Master Splinter.

If I had a dollar for every time Splinter said he was disappointed in me, I could buy a penthouse in Manhattan overlooking Central Park. All he ever sees when he looks at me is a problem child…one he doesn't know how to deal with.

When I get mad, he won't try to understand why I feel the way I do. Oh no. He tells me that I'm full of poison. He tells me that I'm going to turn into a monster. He tells me that I'm headed down a dark path and nobody's gonna be able to guide me back if I can't suppress my rage. Then he kicks me down into a pit of shame and walks away.

That's not what a kid needs from his father!

I ain't evil….

…I swear to god…

…I ain't.

Why doesn't anybody believe that?