Remus sat wearing his new Christmas jumper in the kitchen, spooning sugar onto his cereal. His mother sat across the rough wooden table reading the Sunday Times in the cold winter morning light. The kitchen was silent save for the rustling of the paper, the spoon scraping against the china bowl and the muffled sounds of Remus' father getting out of the shower above them.
Remus suddenly looked up at the window, which gave views over the frost-covered countryside surrounding their house, as a haughty looking Long-Eared Owl landed noisily on the narrow window ledge. He jumped up and opened the window to let it in, recognising it as the Potters owl. He untied the letter attached to its leg, gave the owl a bowl of water to drink from and sat back down with the letter at the table.
"From James?" Asked Mrs Lupin. She and her husband had always likes James, Sirius and Peter because they accepted Remus as a werewolf where most of his peers would have shunned him. They knew about Sirius telling Snape about Remus' condition and although they were angry and disappointed, they knew it was up to Remus to decide what to do about him.
Remus nodded and ripped open the letter. It was quite long for James, surprising Remus as he started to read and quickly realised that it wasn't about meeting up in Diagon Alley as he had presumed.
Hey Remus,
I don't really know how to put this but I think you will need to come down to my house because we've got Sirius. Let me explain. A couple of days ago dad found out at work that Sirius was missing, that he'd run away from home! I couldn't believe it. We knew that he didn't really get on with his parents, right? But I never realised how bad it must have been because he never talked about it. Anyway, we went out to find him and to cut a long story short, we tracked him down in a Muggle car to a dodgy part of east London in a club. It sounds strange now I write it but I'll explain in more detail when I see you and Peter. Dad went in and got him but he was unconscious so we took him to hospital. And this is the bit I still can't believe. They found cocaine and heroin in his blood!
Remus' mouth fell open in shock. He read on quicker.
You'll understand why they took his blood because your father is a Muggle but I still think that's disgusting. Drugs! That's terrible, right? The doctor there said he must have been taking them for a few months because he said it looks like he's built up a dependency on them. So it turns out that Sirius is a drug addict. Who would have guessed? Actually, now that I'm actually thinking about it, he did seem different when he came back from the summer holidays. We discussed it ages ago, remember? I mean, what else hasn't he told us?
Remus thought of the scene he had witnessed between Sirius and Josh. Now he knew about the drugs, he wasn't as shocked.
The doctors said that because he's sixteen he doesn't really have a choice about getting clean so they suggested that it would be best to give him injections of decreasing amounts of morphine so that's what we have to do. Not me personally, but my mum has offered to do it. She was shown how to earlier today. It's harder for us to do this because when the doctor talks about stuff like hypodermic needles and stuff (I really should have taken Muggle studies) we just have to nod along because it's stuff that Muggles would just know. The school had to know as well, but I think we need to talk to him and I don't want to do it alone. I'll answer all of your questions if you could just get down to London. You can stay the night tonight if you can get here. I've written to Peter too. Mum and dad seem to think that the drug problem had something to do with why Sirius told Snape about you, but I think something else is wrong with him. Oh, and my parents have told me I'm not allowed to be cross with him anymore because we obviously misjudged the situation. We'll talk more when we see each other.
Send a reply back soon.
James.
Remus put the letter down numbly on the table and stared in shock at the soggy remnants of his cornflakes.
"Remus?" said his mother, putting down the paper in concern. "What's the matter?"
Remus passed her the letter for her to read. The clock above the oven ticked away, each tick echoing in the dead quiet of the kitchen.
"Oh…" murmured his mother as she finished reading. "You'll go to James'?" she asked.
Remus nodded. "If you can apparate me," he added hoarsely. Silence descended on the kitchen again.
"Drugs!" cried Mrs Lupin suddenly, voicing the word that was stuck in Remus' head.
"I know. I can't believe we never knew anything."
"You weren't looking. I suppose it wasn't a hard thing to hide."
Remus nodded and stood up. "I'll get dressed and get an overnight bag together," he said before running upstairs to get ready.
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The doorbell rang and James jogged across the hall from the sitting room to the door to answer it. Remus stood on the doorstep, dressed in a thick winter coat and an overnight bag flung over his shoulder. His mother stood behind him, clearly having apparated him there.
"Hey," said James, standing aside to let Remus in. "Mum said you can come in for a cup of tea," he added to Mrs Lupin who shook her head explaining that they had an electrician coming to the house so she needed to get back. James had no idea what an electrician was but let Remus say goodbye before his mother dissapparated with a loud crack.
"It's freezing out," said Remus, taking off his coat.
"Peter's already here," replied James, putting Remus' coat on the rack. "And Sirius is asleep in the spare room," he added, answering the question Remus was about to ask. They made there way to the sitting room where Peter was curled up at the end of one of the plush leather sofas.
Remus had time to admire James' house once more; the soft lighting, cream walls, leather sofas and little knick-knacks from all over the world collected by James' parents in their youth. The house was large and in an expensive area of London, but Remus loved it because it was so comforting. The fire was lit in the large, antique fireplace, warming Remus as he sunk onto the sofa and dug his toes into the thick, carpet.
James pulled over a huge leather beanbag which matched the sofas and threw himself onto it so he could face the other two. "He doesn't really have enough energy to be up for long. He doesn't sleep well though but the doctors said he wouldn't for a while."
"Why?" asked Peter.
"Apparently his body will take time to adjust to the decreasing amounts of morphine, which is a sort of heroin replacement. I think," he added, shrugging. "I'm not pretending to know what I'm talking about, by the way. I really have no idea how this all works. So he wakes quite often wanting more morphine which we can't give him."
"Has he already been given some morphine shots?" asked Remus.
"Yeah, two. It was horrible to watch though. I'm alright with broken bones and Wizarding injuries and stuff, but they stick this bit of metal into his arm…" he gestured."
"James, we've got Muggle parents," Peter said slowly as though talking to a young child. "We' know what an injection is."
James smiled. "Anyway," he continued, "he went a bit mad after first being injected, saying he could do it himself but dad didn't let him because he has to have a prescribed dose and he would have just taken it all. He went crazy, I mean, really crazy. I've never seen him like that, shouting at mum and dad. It was scary, probably because he never would have spoken to anyone like that in the past."
Their conversation was interrupted as Mrs Potter walked in carrying a tray of mugs of hot chocolate and a plate of chocolate biscuits.
"Aw, thanks Mrs Potter," said Peter, who sat up properly at the sight of the biscuits.
Mrs Potter smiled and left them to get back to the dinner she was cooking.
"Hey, why don't we take these up to my room because Sirius should be awake soon? Then we can talk to him." He picked up the tray and led the way upstairs to his bedroom.
He pushed open the door with his foot and place the tray on his desk. The room was not cluttered, but very messy. Clothes, books, the odd quill or scrap of parchment littered the floor but the bed was made and the other two boys sat down on it, their backs leaning against the wall. The walls were covered in Quidditch posters and James' broomstick lent against the wall in the corner by the large window overlooking the garden.
James shut the door and then rummaged through his desk for a pad of Muggle paper and a Muggle Biro, and with this he scribbled a quick note. "It's for Sirius," he explained, straightening up. "I'll put it by his bed so he'll know we're here and to come in." He left the room and Peter and Remus heard a door open quietly down the hall and a few seconds later, shut again. James came back into his bedroom and shut the door again.
As he sat down on his desk chair, Remus asked, "So how did you find him?"
"Yeah," echoed Peter, obviously wondering the same thing.
James explained in more detail exactly how they found Sirius, from his discussion with Andie, the stranger's house and then the club.
As he finished the story, Remus asked, "So who do you think this man was? What did he look like?"
James shrugged. "Blond, good-looking I suppose. Skinny - like Sirius. Dressed like him too-"
He was interrupted by a soft knock on the door.
They all looked at each other, before James called out, "Come in!"
The door opened quietly. Sirius stood in the doorway, one shaky hand grasping the door-handle, the other fidgeting by side. Remus and Peter, who hadn't seen him since the school term had ended, were immediately struck by how much his physical appearance had changed. He looked tired, pale and ill, with dark shadows rimming his eyes, not helped by the remnants of black eyeliner which must have been there for days. A heavy bruise stood out on his right cheek and they saw what looked like a disappearing split lip.
Remus could hardly see the Sirius he had known; the confident Sirius. This new Sirius was fidgeting and shaking noticeably. James had explained that this was because of the drug withdrawal. He seemed unsure of what to do now he had knocked.
"Shut the door behind you," said James, not unkindly but there was a definite cool edge to his voice.
Sirius did as he was told and stood awkwardly until James motioned for him to sit between Remus and Peter on the bed. So he can't get away, he thought.
Sirius sat and pushed himself back so he was leaning against the wall and looked down at his hands, grasped unsteadily in his lap.
"We've got a lot of catching up to do, haven't we Sirius?" said James.
Sirius looked up, catching his eye before returning his gaze to his lap.
There was a short silence before Remus exploded with, "drugs! Why Sirius? Was it to look cool?"
This misunderstanding hurt Sirius and it showed on his face so James caught Remus' eye and minutely shook his head to ward off that approach to the situation.
"You wouldn't understand," muttered Sirius hoarsely, shaking his head, his eyes still focused on his lap.
"Why not? What is it you're not telling us?" asked James.
Sirius didn't answer.
"How about we ask the questions and you answer," suggested Peter. "That seems a good compromise."
James nodded. "Let's do that. You answer our questions the best you can. We have to know Sirius if we're to put this behind us."
Sirius looked up at him and nodded mutely. He realised that they would have to know everything. Shit, the thought, panic starting to seep into him. He felt terrible, sick to the core but knew that they would need to know why he had resorted to drugs.
Silence returned as they all tried to think where to begin.
"Ok," started Remus, "why the drugs? Why did you get into them?"
Sirius bit his lip. "A mixture of reasons," he said.
Peter narrowed his eyes. "I'm afraid you're going to have to elaborate on that."
Sirius breathed in shakily, feeling a headache starting up and throbbing dully. "Muggle friends at first… and… and-" he found he couldn't go on.
James sensed this and jumped in with his own question based on something Andie had said. "Why did you run away?"
Sirius bit his lip. "I've told you before about my parents."
"No," said James. "You told us that you don't get on with them, which is slightly different from being at the point of running away. You'll have to explain."
"Look, I'm not a Slytherin, which is all that's needed as far as my family are concerned. That's why you won't understand because you all have unconditional love from your parents. Unconditional love doesn't exist in pure blood families. You have to earn respect, not love but becoming Slytherin, excelling in the Dark Arts and all of that. I was a perfect Slytherin before I was sorted into Gryffindor for some unknown reason and they have hated me ever since, just like they have hated every other family member who have ended up in the 'wrong house'." He ended his explanation bitterly.
"But how has this gone so far?" asked Remus, glad that Sirius seemed to be opening up.
Sirius shrugged. "I tried to stay out of the house as much as possible. There was too much tension and…" he paused, obviously stopping what he had been about to say. "Anyway, I made friends with people who seemed to be in as much shit as me. They took drugs to block out reality. I did the same."
"You know mum told you how we found you in the first place?" asked James. "Well, Andie also mentioned that you would often fight with your dad." He didn't ask a question. He didn't know if there was anything to ask. So they argued? But he wanted to see Sirius' reaction.
It was stranger than expected. His head shot up to stare wide-eyed at James, the little colour there was drained from his cheeks and his hands fidgeted uncontrollably. Peter and Remus turned from staring at James for his odd comment to Sirius. Clearly there was more to what Andie had said.
"Ah…" said Remus carefully. "So there is something you're not telling us."
Sirius could feel the panic rising. He knew the time had come to tell them about his father. "I… he…" he stammered, looking down again. "He was… er… used to…"
"Did he hit you?" Peter asked suddenly.
There was a shocked silence in the room until Sirius nodded and Remus squeezed Sirius' knee reassuringly. It was the first contact they had had for months and showed how desperate the situation was. "Oh Sirius…" he whispered. "Why? For how long?"
Although he felt the panic subside slightly, Sirius still had to gulp back tears to explain. "For years. I've never said anything because it's not something I want people to know. My cousins know, Regulus does obviously, but it's not something I'm proud of." Seeing his friends shocked at comforting expressions made Sirius well up with suppressed emotion. He looked out of the window and tried to blink away the tears which had formed in his grey eyes, breathing unsteadily.
Remus realised with a jolt of understanding that that was the reason Regulus had looked at Sirius oddly when he had bumped into them in Diagon Alley in the summer holidays. Sirius had not explained how he had got the bruise and cut lip but had just agreed with Remus' comment about a fight. It all made sense.
James leaned forward, surprised to see tears in Sirius' eyes as he had never seen him cry before. He felt ashamed that Sirius had kept this from them for so long and that he had had to go through it alone for the past few months. "It's not your fault Sirius."
Sirius shook his head. "It is. You don't understand. I'm the one who always argues back and provokes him. I hate my father so much and I know what the consequences will be. It's like that n pureblood families. The father is the head of the household. Women can't argue with them. Children do what they say and if not, they are punished. That's the way it is. I can't do what he wants because I've grown to be someone different and I will be punished for that for as long as I'm in that family. People like me have been killed by there own relatives not so long ago for not upholding pureblood beliefs."
"That's stupid," said Peter.
"Maybe but it's the way it is. The drugs," Sirius began, "with them I didn't have to see my father's face every time I closed my eyes or relive anything I went through at home. It would all be blocked out and I could feel normal. Stupid me."
"What's the worst it's been?" asked Remus delicately.
Sirius twitched, uncomfortable. His body was aching as the morphine in his blood ran low. He tried to think. "I don't know. Sometimes… sometimes the physical stuff is obviously the worst, but…" a tear slowly etched its way down his cheek, "… sometimes I can just fade out. It's like the pain is so strong my mind sort of blacks out but I'm still conscious… I still know what he's doing. But sometimes it's the words. You can't block those out. Whoever said 'sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me' didn't know what the fuck they were talking about," he said shaking his head, more tears spilling silently down his cheeks.
"Oh Sirius…" said Remus gently, putting his arms round Sirius in a hug and pulling him towards him until Sirius' face rested against his shoulder and chest. Sirius suddenly curled up and sobbed wretchedly into Remus who just rocked him gently. It was as though all the years of hate and pain were seeping out of him.
Peter and James looked at each other, not sure what to do.
"I'm so sorry, Remus," Sirius sobbed. "He knew. Lucius had told him and I couldn't stand it." He was talking about Snape of course. "I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't but he was saying things. I can't remember…" he trailed of.
"It's alright Sirius," Remus said. It was the apology and explanation he had been waiting for. "It's all in the past now."
James smiled, hoping that now everything could go back to normal. Sirius has calmed down but was still shaking although he guessed that was because his morphine shot was long overdue. "I think that's enough catching up for one evening," he said and was relieved to see Sirius smile. "You're getting twitchy," he commented dryly.
"You've only just noticed," he shot back. He seemed to be nearer to feeling happy, better than he had in months.
"Come on," said James, standing up and picking up the abandoned tray of cold hot chocolates. Peter picked up a biscuit and ate it hungrily. "Lets get you sorted out then."
As he was led downstairs, Sirius realised that his life might just have sorted itself out. He prayed that it would.
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That was a bloody long chapter but an important one. We're near the end now I think, but I need to work out how to end this. Thanks to all my reviewers, btw.