Chapter Twenty One: Rehab
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
LifeHouse - Broken
Rehab sucked, I'd decided on day one of being shipped to the Nursing Home, aka Live In Rehabilitation Centre. I had my own room, with an en-suite bathroom, and generic shelving and wardrobe space. It reminded me of my first two years of college, and that wasn't a place I enjoyed being. The place was built like a dorm, the only difference being that someone came over regularly to drag my ass through hours of intensive, painful physiotherapy. I was coming into month two of being here and I already hated it.
And yet again Tim was giving me another pep talk and if there was anything I hated that the frustrating, long and antagonising physiotherapy sessions that were forced upon me twice daily, it was the sound of his voice cheering me on like he was my own personal cheerleader.
I was in sheer hell right now. The muscles in my chest were burning; it was hard to get my breath back. So I was wheezing in between his words. The blood was pumping through my veins at what felt like a million miles an hour. I could feel every single beat of my heart, because with each thud a new wave of agony and nausea was released as I hunched over from my sitting position on the double bed clutching my chest.
I couldn't hear his words anymore, but his voice it was nagging and it was penetrating deep into brain, like a sharp needle every time he opened his mouth.
"Shut up." I erupted.
Tim's eyes fell on me, his eyebrows rise as he studied me, his arms crossed over his chest.
"What?"
"Do me a favour and leave." I seethed through grinding teeth. "You're not my mother but you just keep yammering on at me. I want you to go home and stay there. No visits, no prep talks. Just go home and do your job." I snapped, clutching my ribs as the pain started to subside a little.
Tim's eyes narrowed, I caught sight of his jaw clenching as his nostrils flared.
"You know what? I have been trying to do the best I can to help you for over six months now. I sat by your bed while you were in a medical coma every single day. I'm trying to stay positive in order to stop you from falling into a depression, which is common with the intensive therapy you've suffered. You refuse to see a shrink, so I am doing my damn best to try and help you." He shook his head in disbelief. "It's been hard for me too Kate, I've been there for you and now your throwing it back in my face."
"I never asked you to do that! You should have just let me die; it would have been better than going through this hell day in and day out!" I snarled through shallow breathes.
Tim stared at me as if I'd slapped him.
His mouth set in a grim line as he stared at me, his eyes filled with fury. In seconds he was snatching up his coat and storming out of the door to my room, slamming the door behind him so hard I swear I heard the wood crack.
Despite the Rehab Facility's misgivings, I had to say the bed was comfortable and the medication was almost on demand, partially because I refused on a regular basis. Tim had informed me that was a damn stupid thing to do, I thought it built character. It didn't dull the pain as much as I would like and I was frightened of the addiction, because the truth was I didn't think I was getting better.
Somewhere in my thoughts I must have nodded off, that happened regularly after Physiotherapy, I usually followed it with a shower and no matter how hard I fought, a nap. The exertion always caught up with me whether I liked it or not. Another thing I hated, for over six months I'd felt weak and powerless and it was grating on me.
There was a shuffling in my room, a rustling that sounded like cotton on silk. My eyes flickered open, lingering on the chair by the window as I raised my head.
"Horatio? When did you get here?" I asked, moving awkwardly into a sitting up position and rubbing my eyes.
"I've only been here a few minutes." He mentioned as I pinched the bridge of my nose feeling the tension beginning to well up behind my eyes.
The tension headaches were more frequent now because of the constant amount of stress my body and mind were under. I groped for the meds on my bedside, unscrewing the cap as Horatio pushed a glass of water I'd left on the nightstand before my nap, towards me. I took it gratefully swallowing the tablets and the water in one gulp before raising my eyes to Horatio.
He was leaning forward now, his elbows resting on his knees, studying my composure.
"Speed told me you told him not to come anymore." Horatio stated.
I bowed my head and focused on the bracelet on my wrist, my fingers letting the little silver anchor scrape across the delicate skin.
"I did." I replied sullenly.
"Why?" Horatio asked gently.
I exhaled deeply before raising my eyes to meet his.
"Because it's not fair Horatio, he's been dealing with this situation, with me, for over six months now. It's taken up enough of his life. I think…" I sniffed forcing back the emotion welling up inside me as I persisted. "I think it's time for him to move with things, I mean no matter what he says this… it's a burden and it's not his burden. It's my burden."
"Kate that's not true…"
I held up my hand to silence him, tears stinging at my eyes.
"I'm nothing more than a broken cop; the truth is I am not getting better. Every time I try and try, and I push myself so far that Doctor Nazi, has to actually force me to stop. My chest hurts all the time, even when I'm not doing therapy." I rubbed my face with my hands, my voice getting louder. "Nothing is working for me I'm still weak, I'm pathetic. It hurts to stand for long than five minutes. I used to go the gym and go running and now I can barely walk to the canteen and back because my muscles won't let me do it. It feels like my bodies rebelling against me." I confessed, wrapping my arms around myself, rocking slowly.
"Kate." Horatio paused, gently touching my knee to get my attention. "What happened to you was terrible. Things… they don't mend themselves straight away, and it is going to take a while but it will be worth it in the end to be able to do all those things that you used to do."
Horatio stood up and lowered himself onto the bed bedside me as I wiped my eyes with my sleeve.
"Look at all the progress you've made already. Six months ago you were hooked up to a ventilator that was breathing for you. You were unconscious and we didn't know whether you were going to live or die, Four months ago, you could barely sit up and now look at you. You walking, talking and above all you're laughing. Every breath you take, your doing on your own and I know I am glad for that, and I know that Tim is too, we all are." Horatio explained quietly.
"I just feel so frustrated with myself and everything. It's so slow I feel like I'm never gonna be able to go home, and I miss it. I miss my own bed and my couch and my TV… I miss my kitchen." I wailed. "I want to be back at work, chasing down bad guys but I'm stuck in here with Hitler for a physiotherapist and my very own dark haired cheerleader, filled with preppy advice for every occasion. I swear if I hear one more false cheerful note out of him I will find away to murder him even with my inability to do anything more than lift a mug at the moment."
Horatio wrapped an arm around my shoulders, guiding me towards his chest. My head came to rest on his shoulder as I sniffed, rubbing my eyes wearily.
"I just feel so tired of everything." I confessed, taking deep breathes.
"How about…I make you a deal?" Horatio offered, peering down at me.
I frowned, drawing away and looking at him with curiosity.
"When you get out of here…" he stated firmly. "Which will be soon. You get me a doctor's note telling me you're an out patent, I will clear you for lab work."
I opened my mouth excitedly but he raised a finger to silence me.
"But there are conditions. You have to work around your treatment, if I find out that you're skipping treatment to come to work, this deal will be terminated right away. Also no lifting, of any kind. If it's heavy you get someone else to do it for you, I don't want you putting all this hard work in just to end up back here again because you strained yourself."
"You'll let me use the Mass Spec?" I asked eagerly, practically jumping up and down.
Horatio tilted his head towards me.
"That's not my domain you know that." He reminded me with an encouraging smile. "So does that sound good?"
"I would like that." I told him, feeling the hope beginning to well in my chest.
"Can I tell Speed that he's welcome to come back here now?" Horatio questioned.
"Will he want to? It's probably for the best if he doesn't." I uttered resigned.
"I'm practically an invalid at this point and he's seen some pretty demeaning stuff in regards to me, I feel embarrassed all the time. I mean no one should have to help another person in the bathroom, they just shouldn't have to." I growled venomously.
"I think Speed's already made that decision for himself, he comes here every day. He's committed to you. He loves you Kate and I think he's just thankful that you're alive. He's only ever wanted the best for you." Horatio informed me.
"But what's best for him I mean is this really fair…"
Horatio cut me off.
"What's going on Kate?"
"I just don't think…"
"Kate." He said sternly.
I looked down at my hands, knotting my fingers again before exhaling deeply.
"I'm just scared" I admitted quietly.
"I'm scared I'm going to lean on him and this is going to become too much for him and he's going to go away and I don't want him to go away. I'm not used to having to rely on people for things. Now I'm in a position where I'm practically forced too. I like dealing with things by myself, but this is too big to do that. I just don't like…" I corrected myself. "It's more like I'm not used trusting people,"
I glanced at Horatio. "Even you."
"I'm here Kate, I'm here for you. Whatever you need I will be here. I know Speed will be too. He's put his life on hold so he can help you and that's not something he takes lightly." Horatio reassured me, his hand rubbing my shoulder in a soothing motion.
I nodded my response, letting out a deep sigh.
"The scar looks terrible you know?" I began voicing another concern of mine. "It's from the bra line all the way down to my belly button from where they had to spread my ribs."
"Scars are to be revered, not feared Kate." He reassured me, clasping his hands together in thought.
The moment was interrupted by the sudden rap on the door, followed by it opening a crack and the nurse poking his head through it to peer at me.
"Kate, it's time for your second course of therapy." He stated, with a small smile.
I turned my head to Horatio, rolling my eyes.
"No rest for the wicked." I muttered, climbing to my feet at the same time as he did.
"I'll come back tomorrow." Horatio said, answering the question I had yet to ask.
I nodded before making my way slowly towards the bedroom door.
"Horatio." I spoke quietly glancing over my shoulder and meeting his sapphire coloured eyes. "Thank you."
His lips were on mine, tender and hot, his tongue dipping into my mouth as his rough palm caressed my cheek, my body arched towards his as his other hand slid down my lower back, finger tips tracing the along curve. All my nerve endings were in an ecstasy filled frenzy, as he touched and teased my skin.
His tongue was tracing skilled circles on my sensitive throat as his hands began to raise the hem of my shirt towards my breasts.
I jerked suddenly, my whole body going tense underneath his touch. Tim stopped immediately at my reaction, drawing away so he could see my face.
"Did I hurt you?" he asked quietly, studying the tears glistening in my eyes before pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth.
I shook my head sniffing as I swallowed hard, yanking down the bottom of my shirt to cover the ugly looking scar. The emotions were welling up now deep inside my chest and spilling over until they became overwhelming. I turned my head away so he couldn't see the tears streaking down my face.
"Kate…" he said it affectionately, a term of endearment.
His arms moved around my holding me close to his body as if I was delicate. I buried my face in his shoulder as my chest began to ache and burn under the sobs that were causing it to heave. I was clutching his shirt in balled up fists, as the tears leaked onto it.
His voice was in my ear, warm and soothing as he whispered words I couldn't hear over my own crying. His influence was calming, and with him I felt safe, safer than I had in years, it didn't stop the humiliation though as it coursed through me, nor the shame when he'd started to lift that shirt.
"I'm sorry." I murmured, my body wrought with tension. "I though it would be different this time."
I turned my body away from him, bundling some of the sheets under my arm and cradling them to my chest. His body was positioned behind me, his fingers combing through my hair.
"It's just too soon. You're trying to get better too quickly. We're rushing things. We just need to take it easy and slow down…"
I hated his ability to rationalise things. I hated feeling ashamed and trying to hide the part of my body I despised being exposed, all that shame gave way to a misplaced sense of anger and it was easier to react to that than to admit the humiliation I felt on a regular basis.
"Do you want me to finish you off?" I asked abruptly, rolling flat on my back.
Tim frowned, the expression on his face incredulous. I felt awful for stringing him along each and every time, getting him so far and then stopping again. I was a tease, we both knew it. It was only fair he'd get something from this exchange.
"No…" he replied studying my face.
My lips were suddenly on his, my tongue slipping into his mouth as my hand snaked towards his crotch, caressing him through the denim.
He was still semi erect from our previous ministrations.
Tim tried to pull away unsuccessfully as my hands were undoing his belt buckle. I licked up the side of his throat, hearing him groan as my hand lunged into his jeans stroking him through his boxers.
"Kate stop." He said firmly, his hands on my shoulders pushing me away from him.
My mouth was heatedly kissing up towards his ear, until I nipped at it and whispered.
"Why do you want me to use my mouth?" His body tightened as my fingers teased the tip of his cock.
"You don't really want me to stop…" I taunted as my hand cupped his impressive length and began to move slowly up and down it.
"Please Kate…" there was a pleading tone to his voice; I couldn't tell what it meant.
His hand moved between us his fingers encircling my wrist and gripping it tightly in order to remove my hand without causing him any pain. He yanked it from his trousers before meeting my enraged expression full on.
"Stop it." He said calmly.
I tried to tear my arm out of his grasp but Tim held onto it with enough pressure to restrain me so I didn't abuse him again. I growled in irritation, jerking my wrist from side to side trying to break free.
"I get it, you're frustrated, and you're angry as hell but I am not letting you, let me take advantage of you. We're doing this together when we both want to or not at all." He told me, his expression softening as my body slumped in resignation.
"I just want it all to be normal again." I whispered, closing my eyes and scrunching them tightly.
If this was the Wizard of Oz I'd be throwing on some ruby slippers and clicking my heels, as it were reality was never as easy as that.
He released my wrist with a deep sigh. I was a constant strain on him, we both knew that, but it didn't stop him gathering me up into his arms like a small child.
"I promise one day it will be."
Howdy! The FK chapters are flowing out of me these days. I'll warn you though I am working this week and I have stuff on for Halloween so it may be little while until you get a new chapter. Also these chapters are realistic. There isn't a chance in hell that Kate was simply going to getup and walk away from it that easy. So bare with me people.
Special thankies to BEG for listening to me whining at her, and of course for answering my q's and reading through it all for me. You're a fab friend and an amazing writer!
Also thanks to the reviewers and people who stuck with me. Lurkers feel free to review, show me some love people.
Pip: lol I'm holding out one more chapter and then that's it, but I'll try and write as much as I can in my spare time. She's awake and frustrated lol. It's really hard to wrote her recovery but it needs to be done. So I'm glad that you think it's good. I have to admit I am relieved she woke up tho. I love writing her.
Blue: She's got a long way to go yet. So hopefully she'll be getting better tho. I'm glad she's awake too. Thanks for the review.
Delko: lol I am surprised about how well they pair lol. They just gel, really well together. She gives Speed a little more to himself, and she relies on him a lot more than she admits. Thanks for the review.
Sneakypie: lol I'm glad you love them as a couple; they are so easy to write even with al the angst at the beginning. She has a lot more secrets as he finds out soon, but then again he has a thing or two as well. Your right tho he's softer with her.
BEG: I'm glad we cleared up the weird ending, I was like I'm sure my MOB reviews a longer than that. You help out loads!!! I always believe in the series that Horatio has that kind of soothing effect in him and plays that kinda role. I would be nervous as hell, with everything that could go wrong. Lol It's just an irrational thing but it's so Kate. Kate is just like that with the gown, she just didn't think and I love Tripp and his reaction to things. Kate's like his daughter. Lol if you're a good girl I'll buy you some. I thought it would be a nice gesture.
Lap:lol I just don't want the Rehab bits to be boring, and it to be realistic. This was never gonna be anything she just walked away from. She's cranky as fuck. Thanks for the review.