"No, no I don't think she took anything else, but Buffy, she's smart. Resourceful. I just don't want her getting hurt," Tara said into the mouthpiece of the phone. Somewhere in the back of her mind she noticed that she hadn't stuttered once in this conversation. This was about magic and grief; she knew what she was talking about. But mostly Tara was concerned about Dawn. About what she might do and how she must be feeling. It was something else Tara knew about.
She hung up and replaced the phone in its cradle with a sigh. Turning to the bookcase, she knelt before it and began running her fingers over the spines. Besides the sizable gap where "History of Witchcraft" had rested, she didn't see anything else out of place.
"What are you doing?" Willow asked. She'd been sitting uncomfortably on the bed while Tara was calling Buffy and was now wringing her hands worriedly in her lap. She hoped Dawn was okay. She hadn't meant for…she was only trying to help.
"Looking to see if Dawn took anything else," Tara answered with her back still turned towards Willow.
"She didn't," Willow said quickly. Tara spun on her toes to look at her. "I mean…what else would she take? Nothing here could help her with – "Willow hastily tried to explain.
"Willow," Tara said firmly. Getting to her feet, she moved so that she was standing over the other woman. It was an imposing position, which was unusual for the normally gentle woman.
"Well, uh, see…"Willow stammered. Willow was not one for direct confrontation. She never responded well to it. Usually she shut down or avoided and skirted the issue. Sometimes though, if it was a serious issue, she would push back. Hard.
Right then her brain was telling her to take another route: deny, deny, deny. Anything to keep Tara from getting upset. From being disappointed in her.
"Willow," Tara repeated wearily.
She should have known that Tara was too perceptive to let this go. The older woman knew her so well.
"I was just trying to help," Willow admitted in a small voice. That much was true at least, but it didn't absolve the guilt. Some part of her had known what she'd done was wrong, that was the reason she hid her actions, but truly all she wanted was to help Dawn.
"I know, sweetie, but some of the ritual referenced in there are pretty dangerous," Tara said.
"I didn't think she'd…I thought I was helping, you know, that if she could see for herself how dangerous it was or, or if maybe it would help her to understand a little about everything," Willow justified.
"That's still not the point, Willow," Tara reiterated.
"Then what is? I don't get what's wrong with trying to fix this," Willow demanded. She stood and took a step back away from the bed. Crossing her arms over her stomach, she waited for Tara to answer.
"It's not natural," Tara said, feeling a sense of déjà vu. Hadn't they just talked about this or something similar the other day? "It's not something you can fix. There's a balance in the world. People live and..and they die. And we have to respect that."
"What then? We should do nothing? By that logic aren't we disrupting the balance every time we go patrolling with Buffy? Every time we stop the world from ending?" Willow probed getting riled up. She knew that wasn't what Tara meant, but dammit, she wasn't the type of person who just let things happen. Not anymore. Not if she could help it. She wasn't going to be that girl that everyone could walk all over, not even the universe or the so-called Powers That Be.
"No, but we…we can't save everyone. And we can't mess with life and death. No matter how much we may want to," Tara answered sadly. As soon as she'd finished speaking, both girls could feel the fight empty out of them, leaving only resigned sorrow.
"Your mom," Willow said softly. Suddenly she felt like a cold-hearted idiot. Of course Tara would be thinking of her mom right now. How could she not? She was older than Dawnie, but still so young.
"Yes," Tara replied downcast. She wrapped her arms around herself and hugged her stomach tightly. Willow recognized the gesture. Tara was retreating.
Willow stepped forward and reached out to put her hands gently on Tara's elbows. "Hey," she whispered, "I'm sorry. I just…" She trailed off. She wanted to apologize for being a jerk, but she didn't know how exactly. Tara just nodded her head. With one hand, Willow lifted Tara's chin so that she could look directly into her lover's eyes. The slate blue looked darker surrounded by damp eyelashes. Tipping her chin, Willow kissed Tara firmly on the forehead and wrapped her in her arms.
"You want to talk about her?" Willow asked hesitantly. Tara nodded into her shoulder.
Pulling away, the blonde asked, "What do you want to know?"
Willow smiled warmly and kissed Tara's forehead again. "Everything."