THE ANONYMITY OF BEING
21. The Present
From the beginning of class, she could feel his persistent gaze burning a hole into her skull. She propped her elbow on the table and hid her face away from him, forcing herself to examine the trivial doodles she'd created in another wasted period.
The low whispering in the classroom gradually escalated into a loud engagement of conversations between people across different tables as Bella realized Mr. Banner had left the room. Her eyes widened as she knew Edward would take his opportunity wisely, always knowing how to display his reliable efficiency. She waited with baited breath, for a stream of mawkishness to flow out.
"I wasn't thinking straight when I said all of that to you, Bella," he confessed. "My own feelings made it necessary to jump to conclusions. I'm still doubtful about... just everything."
A long pause followed before Bella quietly responded.
"Did you believe it at the time?"
"I don't know what I believed," he answered with contrition. "You were always so... independent. You never needed me the way I wanted you. You had your mom. But most importantly, you had yourself."
"How do you know whether or not I had myself?" she snarled, raising her voice so high that it cracked, due to its lack of use.
"That sounds like a loaded question," Edward remarked. He sighed, remembering the seriousness of their conversation. "I know that I've been a hypocrite. I expected you to tell me all your thoughts but I never told you the jealousy that fired up in me whenever Marcus stared at you. When you didn't immediately respond to my questions, I didn't know what to believe."
"I don't feel like talking about Marcus," Bella whispered. The maudlin state of their conversation brought chills down her back.
"Was that why you weren't at school? Did you not want to attend the assembly that was held?"
She wished for lucidity to grace her loud thoughts.
So, she didn't reply.
But we break our hearts, oh, we break our hearts! for the things we must not tell.
"Even if you guys did..."- he sucked in a sharp breath of air- "did do what I've always wanted to share with you, I... want us to move forward. I never meant to hurt you in this way... to see you become a shell of your former self."
She didn't reply.
So we go through life with a ghastly mask, and we're doing fairly well...
"I've been visiting you. Did you know that? I can't stop thinking about the way I treated you, even when my feelings for you were still so strong, back then."
She didn't reply.
Oh, the world would be such a kindly world if all men's hearts lay bare!
"Please say something, Bella."
But she didn't know what to say.
We live and share the living lie, we are doing very well...
"I don't know what you're going through and I'm not going to pretend that I do but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. We can be friends... if that's what you want."
But she didn't know what she wanted.
We fight it down, and we live it down, or we bear it bravely well...
She didn't know what Bella Swan wanted.
.
.
.
A/N: "Were you rushing or were you dragging?" I'm rushing with the posting and dragging (unintentionally) with Bella's pain because that's how the story goes. Not to mention, the depression as well. Trust me, you might start screaming at me after everything becomes clear. Let's just cruise in the unknown, for just a bit.
Credit- The Things We Dare Not Tell by Henry Lawson