She held on to him and could feel his steady breathing which was a relief in itself. She assumed he must have just passed out from being under the water for so long, praying it was nothing else. She knew his lungs wouldn't be at 100% yet; it was too soon. She kicked her legs focusing on keeping his head above the water.
"Steve," she whimpered, when she got no response, she gently shook him, "Steve!"
Still nothing.
She glanced over her shoulder and then the other one, scanning the darkness for any kind of light that would indicate a rescue. She wasn't sure how long she could hold him up. She felt strong right now, but what if no one came? They would both drown, because there was no way she would ever take the vest off of him while he was alive to save herself. She understood now how he felt when he had risked his life for her; it was a no win situation.
She thought about JD, Casey and Ally, all so young. Naturally the tears returned wondering if she would ever see them again. She was getting dangerously close to a state of depression that could alter her physical ability when she heard him moan.
"Steve?" She felt his hands move in the water as he slowly regained consciousness.
He heard his name over and over but the pounding in his head is what was most apparent. He felt like he was floating. He opened his eyes and it took him a second to regain his composure. It was dark and as he lifted his hands out of the water it all hit him at once. He struggled against Kari, not knowing she was holding on to him. He lifted his head, getting erect and felt something holding him back. That's when her voice replaced the pounding.
"Steve! Are you ok?"
He was startled and confused, looking down and finally seeing her hands gripping the life vest from behind. He gripped onto her wrists and turned his head, barely getting a glimpse of her.
"Kari?!" He started coughing before he could speak again and shifted his body.
"Just relax," she said calmly, feeling his concern growing.
"Let go," he said hoarsely, "so I can turn around."
She released the grip and treaded water on her own for the first time, amazed at how strong she felt, knowing if she had too she could do this for hours, especially now that he was awake. It was just a matter of staying calm.
He twisted his body around and the second he saw her his panic set in. She was exactly in the position that he had most feared.
He reached out as if she were drowning and grabbed her around the body, pulling her close to him. "It's ok. I've got you."
She got a mouth full of water and turned her head, spitting it out and coughing. "Steve, I'm fine."
He didn't hear words only her cough that he had unknowingly caused. "Hold on," The grip became tighter as he began to fumble with the straps of the life vest.
She could hear the concern in his voice as the grip around her became too tight. She saw what he was trying to do and stopped him. "Don't do that!" she scolded him, bending her body back against the relentless hold he had around her waist. He wasn't listening. She reached over with her hands and tried to stop him from removing the clasps. "Steve!"
"I've almost got it." He thought she was trying to help but wished she wouldn't.
"Steve!" she said more adamantly, when he wouldn't stop she dipped her hand in the water and splashed him in the face.
The water startled him and he looked up at her as she put both her hands on his face, "Stop it!" she said forcefully, "Just stop!"
"You need to put the vest on!" He got his other arm around, holding her as if she might slip away.
"No, I'm ok."
He shook his head, "You need the vest on! I can tread water." He started to reach for the straps again.
She moved her hands down to his chest and gripped the jacket, pushing herself away from him. "Let me go!" She got her knees up between them and pushed off.
"What are you doing?" he yelled, reaching out for her.
"Stop!" she practically screamed. "Listen to me?" she swam back away from him. "You need to keep the vest on so you can hold me. I can't hold you up."
"No!"
"Yes!" she argued, "Think about it. It's the right move."
He reached out for her in the darkness. "Come closer."
"Not until you agree with me." She used her arms to move away from him again.
"Damn it Kari! Stop moving away!"
"Then you stop that stupid chivalry and listen to me. I can't hold you. We will last a lot longer out here if you keep the vest on and hold me."
He held steady glaring at her. He hated to admit it but she was right. He motioned with his arm to her, "Fine. Come here."
She swam back over to him and when she was within reach he grabbed her by the shirt and pulled her in aggressively. "Don't do that again! You have no idea how quickly we can get separated out here," he reprimanded. "Things can happen in the blink of an eye."
She was stunned by his anger and showed it on her face. "Ok, I'm sorry," she agreed passively.
His expression softened as he wrapped an arm around her waist, feeling her legs kick against his. His other hand let go of her shirt and moved some hair away from her face. "Are you tired?"
"No, I'm really not."
He smiled slightly at her endurance, "How long was I out for?"
"Ten, maybe fifteen minutes."
He looked down at the vest trying to recall everything before he passed out. "How did you get me in this?"
"I have no idea. I bet if I tried a hundred more times I couldn't do it." She looked at the object on the vest, "What is that?"
Steve bent his chin and smiled," Nice! I didn't even see that."
She watched him reach in the vest by his armpit and suddenly a red light came on and blinked about every two seconds.
"I didn't know how to turn it on. How long will it last?"
"Usually about twelve hours or so. Hey," he put his other arm back around her waist, "stop kicking. Just relax, I've got you."
She put her hands on his shoulders careful not to cover the blinking light and stopped moving, surprised at how easy it was for him to hold her. The fear she had from earlier had vanished now that he was awake. She never was afraid when he was around, even now when she should have been. She just didn't feel it.
"Do you still have your shoes on?" he asked.
"Yes."
"Can you get them off and hand them too me?" he pushed back looking down on her, "Are you wearing your jean shorts?"
She smiled, "Yes. Why? Do you want me to take them off too?"
He glanced up at her playful expression. "What?"
"I'll take mine off if you take yours off?"
He went to remind her that they were in a very serious position, but then decided against it. He was relieved that she didn't seem frightened when on all accounts, she should have been. "Give me your shoes," he shook his head, "You horny broad."
She reached down and pulled one off putting it between them.
"Take the shoelaces out," he instructed her.
"What about the shoe?"
"Toss it. It's dead weight on your foot."
She pulled the stings out and tossed it behind her head, "I love these shoes," she whined, reaching down for the other one.
"I'll buy you five pair when we get home," he sighed, rolling his eyes.
She looked up at his face that was inches from hers, "Do you think that will be soon?"
He nodded, "They had us on radar. That should give a good indication of where to start looking."
She tossed the other shoe over her shoulder, "What do you want me to do with these?" she asked, holding the laces.
"Put one end through the belt loop of your jeans and then through one of mine and tie it in a bow. Do that with both of them."
"So we're officially joined at the hip?" she chuckled, reaching down between them, performing the task.
"Talk about being connected to the ole` ball and chain," he added with a grin.
"Careful now," she warned, "I might miss a loop and tie it to something else."
"I apologize," he replied quickly. He watched her face as she concentrated on doing the job at hand as he held her. They bobbed in the water close to 20 miles off the coast. He looked over her shoulder repeatedly, scanning the horizon for rescue lights of any kind, wondering how far they had drifted from their last radar position. He was nervous about that but refused to let her know he felt anything but confident that they would be rescued soon. He looked at his watch and new the tide would be in their favor. The glow from Honolulu on the horizon was his point of interest. It was a mistake to try and swim right now. He wanted to stay within the range of their last radar position. If the Coast Guard didn't come within the next hour, then it would be time to start moving toward the lights before they disappeared with the sunrise.
"There," she put her hands on his biceps, "now we can't get away from each other."
He carefully relaxed the hold around her, feeling the tug on his shorts. "Are you cold?"
"Not really." She had her arms tucked in front of her, gripping on to the jacket by his shoulders. She could feel the warmth from his body; it was just enough to keep her comfortable. "Are you really confident about them finding us?" she watched his reaction.
"Yes."
She knew that he wouldn't tell her even if he weren't. Sometimes she found that admirable and other times she hated it. At this moment she hated it, because she knew he was lying. They were in trouble but he would never falter, just like when he went under with the helicopter. He was searching for a life vest for her, no matter the cost to himself. "You were down for so long. I thought you drowned."
The mood changed with that statement. "We're ok now," he consoled her. She shivered and he wasn't sure if that was from being wet and cold or from the situation. It didn't matter either way to him, he moved his hands over her, covering her like a blanket, trying to give her whatever it was she needed.
"We're not ok. Why do bad things keep happening to us?"
He corrected her, "We made it out alive. I wouldn't consider that bad."
"No, I don't mean that. Normal people don't have these kinds of things happen to them."
"This wasn't our fault. The helicopter had a malfunction."
"John flew that helicopter for eight years, hundreds of times. We've flown it twice and it crashes on us. Why?"
He shrugged, "I don't know. Luck of the draw."
"What about JD?" she pointed out, "Wrong place at the wrong time? Luck of the draw? You getting shot. It seems to me that whenever we cross each other, bad things happen."
He shook his head, "I'm not following you Kari. How does JD getting kidnapped fall under you and I crossing each other? Everything was going perfect with us when that happened. Life was good."
"And then look at what I did," she looked down, "I went against us. We turned against each other and ever since then things haven't been going well."
He stared at her, hearing something new in her voice that frightened him. "What do you mean?"
She looked up at him. She wasn't sure this was the right time to say it, but here they were, there was nothing to do but wait and after his announcement back at the hotel, she didn't want to go back home with a whole new set of problems. Why not now she decided. There's no time like the present. "I'm not happy, Steve. Not like I used to be."
That was like a shot right through his heart that stunned him. It was the line couples would use just before dropping the divorce bomb, or 'I think it would be better if we separated for a while'. His whole body stiffened as he quickly sized up their relationship over the past couple of months, trying to figure out where it had all gone wrong. He couldn't think straight with that one thought floating around him. He stared at her trying to read her as the blinking red light showed the sadness, wondering what was going to be the next line she dropped. Was she hinting around that she wanted a separation right here in the middle of the ocean after what they had just gone through? "What do you? Were you…" he fumbled with his words, "Were you faking everything earlier today at the hotel, because I felt like we were really in sync for the first time in a long time?"
She could see the concern and hurt on his face but heard it mostly in his voice. "I could never fake that with you," she reassured him. "I love you. It seems to be the only time I really feel that we are on the same path is when we're making love. I have been faking though," she finally confessed, feeling it finally slide off her shoulders, "I've been faking how I feel about everything that's been going on in our lives."
He still didn't feel relieved. She said she loved him but she wasn't happy. He couldn't get past that. "I don't make you happy anymore?" he asked, sure that the San Diego stunt didn't help matters.
"You make me happy, but the direction our lives are going, doesn't."
He thought of their earlier fight, it was the reason they were in this predicament. She'd be safe back at the hotel if he hadn't made another mistake, "I shouldn't have said yes to the job in San Diego. I know that was a mistake. Even when I was doing it I knew it was wrong."
"Then why?" she questioned him, "Why would you do that?"
He shrugged, looking out into the vast darkness, shaking his head.
She gently shook him, "Don't shrug your shoulders like you don't have an answer to what I just asked."
"Are we going to do this right here, right now?" he asked, reminding her of their situation.
"Why not?" she practically yelled, "I finally have you trapped, there's nowhere to run to Steve. No phone call to take, no kid to distract you. Nothing! I think this is the perfect time."
"We need to figure out how we are going to get out of here!"
She pointed toward the lights of Oahu, "You said it yourself that they should find us soon, so you don't have to play Navy Seal either. Stop trying to avoid the subject." She refused to waiver, "I'm not happy Steve and I'm not moving to San Diego with you either."
There it was again that hint of separation. He could tell she was fired up and he also knew from experience that when she got this way, there was no holding back. They hadn't had one of these conversations in a couple of years. It was like their own kind of marriage counseling, only they relied on each other to solve the outcome rather than an outsider. They were due, he knew that without a doubt, but he wondered if maybe things had gone too far.
"You wouldn't ever leave me," he felt a shiver run down his spine, "would you Kari?" He held his breath, waiting for her reply.
"Leave you?" she wasn't sure what he was asking, because the idea of ever physically leaving him never crossed her mind. She just needed answers. "No, Steve. This isn't about running away from our problem. I want to get to the bottom of it." She glanced around, "Maybe I should be more concerned with our situation. She looked right at him, "But honestly, I'm more afraid of going home and continuing the life we are living than being stranded out here." She shrugged, "I know that sounds crazy, but it's true."
She had him backed up into a corner and there was nowhere to go. He didn't even know where to begin with what she was asking. He hadn't even come to terms with it himself. He decided to just come clean and lay it out there. If there was one person in this world that he could confess things too, it was Kari.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of my life and I don't know which way I'm supposed to go. I want to do what's best for you and the kids but even as I do that, I feel like I'm making the wrong choices. Like taking you away from Hawaii." He shook his head, "I don't want to go to San Diego either."
She was relieved to hear that, but still didn't understand the reasoning behind everything. "Why did you think you had to move us away from our home? Was it really the job that was pulling you, or was it something else?" She knew she was unhappy, and considered maybe he felt the same way. "Do you feel trapped in your life? Do you miss your old life?"
"Kari," he felt sick that she would think that. Had he really gone so far that he would leave her to believe that. Worse yet, did it fall over to his kids too, did they feel it as well. "You and JD, Casey and Ally…" he didn't even know how to express it. They were his last thoughts as the helicopter went down. They were the reason he made it out. "My life before you seems empty compared to now." His tone of voice mirrored the feelings for his family that he was trying to get across to her. "I don't miss that life and I don't feel trapped by you guys, I feel like I've been rewarded."
God, she was pulling out all the stops. He knew this conversation was going to get deep and there was no way to get out of it. He was literally tied to her in the middle of the ocean and there was no escape from it. He'd been hiding behind her and the kids as an excuse to avoid what was obvious to him but as he stared at her he knew he couldn't hide it from her anymore. She knew him too well. She also knew just how to ease it out of him by not being afraid to ask the questions that he avoided. He hated that sometimes.
"Why did you leave your job at Five-0? I know how much you loved it. Working with Danny, Chin and Kono, it was where you belonged."
He was silent. He wished he could swim back to Oahu; that would have been easier to do rather than answering her question. At least she would still respect him.
She waited patiently, watching him squirm without him even moving a muscle. She knew she hit it right on the head. "Steve?"
"What?!" he said getting angry, "What do you want me to say?"
"I want to know why."
"You know why."
"I know what you told me."
"Bullshit!" he felt himself beginning to panic over the thought of it, "You know why, so why are you trying to make me say it?"
She felt the grip around her waist tighten.
"Does it make you feel good Kari, to see me like this?"
"Like what?" she yelled, "Will you stop acting like everything is on your shoulders. I'm sick of it! You act like you're not allowed to feel anything!" Her voice got louder as she went on. "I'm surprised those bullets didn't bounce off your chest, Superman!"
His arms came up from around her waist and gripped her by the arms, "Don't bring that up!"
"Bring what up?" she badgered him, "The shooting?" she got right in his face, "You mean when you got shot. The shooting!" she yelled. "Oh no, we shouldn't talk about that should we?"
"Knock it off!" he growled, looking toward the lights of Honolulu. They seemed to be drifting toward land and he scanned the horizon for boat lights or a Coast Guard helicopter, wondering what the hell was taking them so long. He glanced back at her as she stared at him. The non-existing personal space between them was becoming a nuisance "Sometimes you go too far."
"Sometimes I have to," she replied calmly, "because you drift too far away. It's the only way I know how to reel you in." She asked again, "Why did you quit?"
"Because I," he stopped himself, afraid to answer truthfully. He loved her, there was no doubt about that, but sometimes he hated the way she pushed him.
"Because you were scared." She finished the sentence for him.
He shot her a threatening look, "Why are you doing this?"
"Because sometimes you need to be reminded that we won't see you any differently if you stumble." She touched him on the face, "Those kids love you so much. They will never see you as anything but their hero, no matter what. You're a wonderful father, Steve."
He wasn't worried at the moment about his kids seeing him differently, "What about you?" he swallowed, "If I'm not your hero, what am I?"
"You're my husband," she said sternly, refreshing his memory. "God Steve," she wanted to shake him, "I respect you more when you lean on me than when you hide yourself away from me, that's heartbreaking. "
"I don't want you to see me that way. You fell in love with me because I was your hero, and now…" he paused, it was just too hard to face her and have her see him as anything but the man he always tried to be for her. He was her protector; her provider, she was supposed to lean on him it wasn't supposed to be the other way around. If he ever saw just a hint of disappointment or worse yet, failure in her eyes, it would crush him. He wished he could walk away because he didn't like the way the conversation was beginning to turn.
"And now?" she put her hand at the nape of his heck, forcing him to look at her and finish his thought. "It's just you and me Steve." She reassured him, feeling his breathing getting rapid from the anxiety that this was causing him.
"And now…" he paused again, looking up into her eyes. He had to remind himself that he could trust her. "I'm scared Kari. I was scared to go back to work. I'm afraid of doing something that will jeopardize what I have." He searched her eyes in the darkness, looking for it, but the way she looked at him didn't change like he had anticipated. "Before the shooting it was ok. But after," the blinking red light shining on her face showed nothing except a deep concentration for what he was saying. "I want to see my kids grow up. I want to be their father. I don't want it to go to someone else. I never really had that with my Dad. I'm scared for them." He held her tighter, "You and me, I get confused sometimes about what my role is. I do lean on you though, more than you know."
His statement peeled away another layer that he would keep hidden. Her heart felt like it might burst. He was amazing, she thought. How did she ever get so lucky? She gripped onto the life vest and kissed him. "You are such a good man. I don't think I tell you that enough, but you are." She kissed him again.
His expression was dumfounded. He had been worried that she would see him as less than that, afraid that his confession would make him seem weak, but here she was giving him one of the nicest compliments that he'd ever received. "I swear to god Kari, if I live to be a hundred, I'll never be able to figure you out."
She smiled, "Just for the record, I know that you are really concerned about our dilemma right now, more than you let on, but I'm not, because I'm with you and I will never see you as anything but my hero, Steve. I literally have nothing to fear when I'm with you."
He held her closer, locking away this night in his memory, but not for the obvious reasons because of their predicament, but because once again she managed to leave him speechless.