This was a tough one to write. I hope I did it justice.
Liz
She woke up knowing what day it was without looking at the calendar. She would know it in her heart til the day she died. It was Jake's birthday. This used to be a happy day, and now she felt the weight of missing her son even more. She didn't want to get out of bed. She didn't want to move. She got out of bed because Aiden and Cam needed her. She got dressed because it was what she was supposed to do. She didn't want to do the things she had to do but she did them none the less. She got Cam off to school, and Aiden went to daycare. She didn't have to work, but she needed to have some time to herself. She needed to get herself out of this foggy haze that she was in.
She came back home after dropping Aiden off, and looked upstairs toward the room she hadn't been in two months. She didn't want to walk up to that room. She didn't want to go into that room, but she felt herself pulled in its direction. Her feet moved her body up the stairs and to the door. Her hand seemed to have a life of its own as it opened the door. She was crying as she walked into the room. It was the way she had left it. No one had touched anything.
The stillness of the room was deafening. She couldn't stand how quiet it was in here. It had been turned into a tomb over the last couple months. A tomb of the life that had been cut too short. She shook her head to try to clear her thoughts, but more just followed those. She found herself sitting on her son's bed. It was still unmade from the morning he had died. She could still smell his unique scent in the sheets as she put them to her nose.
She couldn't bring herself to let Lucky clear out this room even though he had offered so many times. She wasn't ready to let her boy go. This room being the way it was still made it seem like he was there.
"But he isn't here," she cried out loud with a loud sob, "He'll never be here. My baby is gone. God, how can this be a part of your plan? What am I supposed to learn from this?"
She cried and cried for what seemed like hours. She laid down on her sons bed and just cried for him. She missed him so much. She missed the way that the whole room lit up when he was in it. He had this way of just bewitching anyone that was around him. She had never seen a more charming little boy, but he didn't seem to have a clue yet that he could do what he did. He had such an infectious laugh and smile.
"I can still hear your laugh, baby," she said to her son as if he were there.
The ache in her chest made it hard for her to even breathe. She felt like the agony was searing through to her very soul. How was she ever going to heal this kind of a wound? It went too deep. She suddenly got up and ran out the room, slamming the door the behind her. She couldn't be in that room anymore. She needed to let Lucky clear that room out. She knew logically she had to let Jake go.
She stood in the hallway and felt herself calming down a little. The ache didn't burn quite so intensely. She was glad no one saw how much she still mourned for her son. She was glad no one saw her breaking down so completely. Her boys needed her to be strong.
She walked downstairs and was hit with the panic again as she saw Jake's picture. It was the last picture every taken of him. There he was forever frozen in youth. He would never be a man. She would never know how much like Jason he would turn out to be.
"It's not fair, Jake!" she cried mournfully and sadly.
She wiped the never ending tears from her face and picked up the picture with a trembling hand. She touched the picture softly as she cried silently. So many emotions. So many feelings. Longing filled her. Her arms ached to hold her little boy again. She wanted to hear his voice. She jumped and dropped the picture when someone knocked on the door. The glass and frame shattered as it hit her hardwood floors.
"Damn," she cried bending down to pick the picture that was cut from the glass that had broken.
The door opened and Johnny walked in. She looked up at him through blurry, tear filled eyes.
"I dropped his picture," she explained when she saw the look on his face.
"Elizabeth," he whispered kneeling down next to her.
"There's glass everywhere. It cut his picture. Look," she said showing him where the picture was now imperfect.
"Liz, Let's clean this up. You're going to cut yourself, come on," he offered.
"His picture is ruined, Johnny!" she exclaimed feeling the hysteria building inside of her.
She didn't know how to stop it. Something so small as this was going to cause her to completely meltdown, and she didn't know what to do. She felt Johnny pull her up by her arms gently but she couldn't focus on him. The tears were coming so hard and she was choking on them.
"I should have come sooner. I just didn't know if you would want anyone here or not. I knew this day would be hard for you," he confessed pulling her into his arms.
She could feel herself in his arms, but she couldn't bring herself to move her arms to hug him back. She was frozen. Paralyzed.
"Liz," he said taking her face gently in his hands to get her to look at his face.
She forced herself to focus on him, "I can't do this, Johnny. It's too hard. I thought I was okay. I thought I was better, but today it all just came back again. When will this ever stop!"
"I don't know. Liz, look at me," he demanded when she turned her eyes to the photograph, "But it will get better. People don't grieve like this forever. The loss is always there but it does get better."
She wanted to scream that it would never get better, but some part of her brain told her that it would. She had seen that there were good days. She had experienced them.
"Okay," was all she said and he wrapped his arms around her again.
A little while later the glass and debris was cleaned up, and she was pretty calm now. She had not expected to find comfort in Johnny of all people, but he helped her more than he ever knew.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked sitting next to her at the kitchen table.
She only nodded. She was afraid to talk too much. The pain was still there and if she spoke it would start all over again. She was teetering on the edge of despair still, and one false move would send her over. She knew today would be hard, but she didn't think it would be this hard. She knew where she needed to go. She needed to see Jason. Today would be hard for him too. Despite everything, her heart still called out to him for comfort.
"I have to go, Johnny. Thank you so much," she told him getting up.
"Where are you going?" he asked as they walked outside.
"There is someone I need to see," was all she said and she got in her car.
She drove the all too familiar way to Jason's penthouse and parked in the same spot she usually parked in. She didn't know if he would be home. She knew she should've called, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She walked up the 15 flights of stairs as she did on the night Jake was conceived. She didn't feel the exact same way she did that night but she felt just as hopeless. She found herself standing in front of Jason's door again just as she had that night.
She could still remember every detail of that night. She could still see it so clearly when she closed her eyes. It had been a night that they had finally come together after some many years of life getting in the way. Fate had brought them together that night so that they could bring new life into this world. That new life had brightened the world for four short years, and now the world was dimmer since that life had been snuffed out too early.
She knocked on his door without even second guessing herself. She didn't wait long before Jason opened the door and stood before her. She didn't get the same feelings she used to whenever she saw him. Her heart no longer took flight in her chest at the sight of him. Her knees no longer grew weak by the presence of him. Right now the only thing she felt was loss at the life that they never got to share together with their son.
"Elizabeth," he whispered with heartache in his voice.
He had been crying, and she looked past him to see the box on the table. The black box that had been where he kept all his stuff for Jake.
"Can I come in?"
He nodded and moved so she could come inside. He was still the silent type.
"I didn't know if you would be here, but I took a chance that you might be. I felt that I had to come here today," she explained to him walking over to the box.
She sat down on the couch and saw that the pictures were still there in the box. She felt the tightness in her chest again and the never ending burn seared stronger.
"Yeah, I was hoping I would uh see you today," he managed to say emotion coloring his words.
She only nodded and took out a picture of her holding Jake right after he had been born. She was smiling a smile she hadn't seen for two months. It was a smile pure happiness and joy.
"I went into his room today. I haven't been in there for two months. No one has been in there. It was still the same as the last day he was in it. His bed was still unmade. Motorcycles still on the floor," she spoke softly to him.
He sat down next to her on the couch cautiously. She couldn't help but smirk. She had been so mean to him lately that he was afraid of getting to close to her. The big bad mob enforcer was cautious around her.
"I was downstairs looking at his last picture taken at school weeks before he died. Someone knocked on the door as I was looking at the picture, and I was so startled, I dropped it. Jason, it shattered. The glass, the frame, all of it. The picture is ruined," she told him not knowing why he was telling this too him.
"I am sure it isn't ruined. Don't you have duplicates?" he asked logically.
She nodded her head as she answered, "Yeah, I do. But at the time, that didn't occur to me. Logic was the last thing on my mind. God, Jason. I miss him so much."
She found herself in his arms. She wasn't crying like she was before. The tears were there of course. They were always there. Just behind the surface ready to come at any moment. She and Jason needed to have this moment together for their son.
"I miss him, too. I think about him every day. I have been so angry lately because I blame myself so much for what happened. I could have stopped it by just marrying you when I had a chance."
She pulled away, "I don't know how much that would have made a difference. I wish we would have put Sam in jail the moment we found out what had happened in the park. Both times. I think that is where we made our first mistake."
"No, our first mistake was hiding it for as long as we did. We never should have kept the fact that Jake was my son a secret."
"Maybe, but we can't change any of it now. It's his birthday today," she sighed getting up walking to his window overlooking the city.
"I know. That's why I have been looking at the box today. I wanted to go by your house, but you have made it clear to give you space."
"I did and that is why I came here. I felt that you were one of the few people I should see today. Lucky will be the next one, but you came to my mind first. I knew this day would be just as hard for you if not harder."
"It is hard, but I think you have it the hardest than me or Lucky. Why do you still have his room the same as he left it?"
"I don't know. Why do you keep Brenda's room the exact way she wanted it? I just haven't had the heart to dismantle the last piece of Jake that I have left. His sheets still smell like him. It's like he isn't really gone even though I know he is. Logically I know he is gone. My heart knows it too. Oh, my heart. It is just so painful to think of Jake as completely gone.
"I want to feel him in my arms again. I just want him back."
"I remember the day he was born. I found you on the floor in Lucky's house. You were unconscious. I watched as you flatlined before they even delivered him. You fought your way back that day, and you will fight your way back now. I believe you can do anything if you set your mind to do it."
She turned and found him closer to her than she thought he would be, "Maybe, but right now, Can you just hold me?"
He just nodded and slid his arms around her. She rested her head against him, and just sighed. No matter how mad she was at Jason, she knew she could always count on him to be there for her when she needed him. She was glad she hadn't lost sight of that. This valley of despair was dark and bleak, but she could still see him in the mist. She would always be glad to know that he was there.