AN ~ Reviews: thanks everyone! Last chap was not one of my faves to write, I didn't really get to explore much, but I am glad those two got their heart-to-heart. What do you guys think of the song I use this chap?
This Chap/Disclaimer: A completely invented chapter by me (well, you know, except for the characters etc etc). I know nothing about Ithaca, so forgive me if it's not nice in September, it's just where Edward happened to mention, at the end of New Moon, that Carlisle and Esme went. I also don't own the song, When You Say Nothing At All, but I love it!
Chapter Twenty One: Leaving
Carlisle:
The house was very quiet after that. We whispered within our mated pairs, but otherwise barely interacted at all. Finding my usual enthusiasm for work the next morning was surprisingly difficult: I didn't like to leave Esme alone in this state, but she insisted she was fine and that it wouldn't last.
Two excruciatingly long days of uncomfortable near-silence passed, and though the others spent time with him at school, Esme and I only caught brief glimpses of our son when he came home to change. After the second day, he came straight home from school. As she had been for the last two days, Esme was waiting for him, drifting her fingers absently across the untouched piano keys. I had only been home for a few seconds when Edward arrived, and there was a defeat in his eyes that made me glad I had traded this afternoon's shift.
"I can't do this," he murmured, stopping only a few feet into the house. Esme rose from the piano stool like a ghost, and drifted over to my side. I was still clinging to the handle of my black bag with one tight fist. I realised, with a strangely absent feeling, that I was panicking. That I already knew what was going to happen, what he was going to say. Edward was giving up, throwing in the towel.
Leaving.
"Edward, please, it's only been two days-" I started.
"Next time Bella might not have two days! She might not even have two seconds!" he objected. "You saw how wild Jasper was; how much effort everyone had to take. And it was still too close. I mean, humans die from concussion, right? What if the table had landed on her?"
"Edward, I really think you're overreacting," Esme said quietly.
"OVERREACTING?" Edward roared, turning on his mother. "You know how close you were, Esme. You know how much you wanted to kill her. How can you possibly want Bella to stay after that! She saw the look in your eyes, Esme. It frightened her, and you know it did."
"Edward, that's enough!" I barked, dropping the bag and stepping in front of defensively. "Of course she knows that, but you frightened Bella that night too – we all did. It was right for her to be scared, and perhaps she always should have been. Don't you dare put this on Esme's shoulders."
"I'm sorry, it was wrong of me," he muttered an apology, lowering his eyes. He glanced forlornly at Esme, who nodded her acceptance of his silent apology. "But Bella shouldn't be caught up in this. I should have left while I had the chance. I'm sorry."
"Edward, you haven't done anything to apologise for," Esme crooned, stepping out from behind me and coming to my side once more.
"It's not what I've done, Esme. It's what I'm going to do. We have to leave. All of us. As soon as possible."
"But-"
"I'll deal with Alice. Jasper already knows this is what's best – he left, didn't he?"
Esme sighed and ran upstairs, and Edward stared after her until she disappeared, then turned to me.
"I'm sorry for doing this to both of you. You don't deserve it."
"Life doesn't consider what we do and do not deserve, Edward. You're an example of that. You deserve Bella, but I suppose I have to agree she is in danger around us. I don't know if leaving is the right thing to do, but for the moment it is our only option. I'll go back to work, plant some excuse…but please, talk to Esme. This has been so hard on her."
"I know."
I picked up my bag and disappeared out the door, then dumped it on the passenger seat as I twisted the keys in the ignition. Once the engine was running, I put my forehead on the steering wheel. You knew this was coming, Carlisle, a little voice mocked. Yes, I knew, and I had to accept it…but we had been so close. Edward had been so close to experiencing the joy Esme and I did. I hated to see that torn away from him: he didn't deserve it. But life, as working in a hospital tends to remind you, is not about what one does or doesn't deserve.
With a sigh of exasperation, I wrenched the car into gear a little more violently than necessary and sped away.
.o.o.o.
Dr Gerandy, the doctor I had asked to cover my shift, was just about to drop some papers off at my office when I arrived.
"Oh, Carlisle," he greeted, surprised by my presence. "I thought you weren't coming in this afternoon."
"I wasn't," I replied, "but there was a position open at Huntingdon, and it had to be a snap decision. I'm sorry I didn't call, I just…I don't want to make a big production of it." I hung my head. I couldn't look at his eyes. I hated doing this; it got easier and easier to act, but it never felt easier inside. And now, so sudden, under such terrible circumstances...
"That's understandable," Dr Gerandy said after a moment of disappointed silence. "So…um…will you be telling the rest of staff yourself or shall I?"
"Could you? I would be ever so grateful. Tell them I'm sorry for the short notice."
"Of course. Uh, here. I suppose you should take a look at this, since you're headed up there." He shuffled past the papers he had been about to give me and retrieved a copy of the Los Angeles Times. Across the front was written "Los Angeles commuter train collides with freight train; over two dozen killed." Insatiably curious, I took the paper from Dr Gerandy and scanned through the article as he walked off, even though sunny LA was the last place I would really go.
I turned around a moment later – I don't know why; it's not as though I could tell Dr Gerandy I wasn't actually going to Los Angeles – but I was alone in the hallway. I shook my head and pressed open the door to my office. I gathered my personal effects into a box and lifted my painting off the wall, then quietly left the building with a nod and a wave to the receptionist. Some of the staff watched me leave, but none attempted to catch me up. I returned to my car undisturbed, and drove away in silence.
.o.o.o.
Esme was waiting out the front of the house, with most of my study and her things packed into boxes at her feet. My father's crucifix was the only thing not in a box. She handed it to me when I stepped up to join her.
"Edward's gone to school," she said sadly. "He's going to tell Bella this afternoon."
"Are you sure you don't want to take anything else?" I asked, looking around at the boxes that scattered the area. I was sure there were at least twice as many when we had arrived.
"I can't," she replied, shaking her head. "Can we just go?"
"Of course." I kissed her forehead gently, finding it hard to watch the sadness swimming in her eyes. Esme picked up a shoebox of photographs and followed me down to the car, putting it on the front seat. I put my father's crucifix in the space in front of the back seats, and we slowly, silently filled in the rest of the car with the remaining boxes.
Esme sat in the passenger seat, her hands resting on top of the shoebox, and when I sat in the driver's seat beside her she put her head on my shoulder.
"This silence...I can't bear it," she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut in agony. Her fingers reached out for the radio, and though she couldn't see it, the movements were familiar to her. In moments, a soft, caressing melody washed through the car. [Song: When You Say Nothing At All, Ronan Keating]
Esme rubbed her cheek against my shoulder like a cat, finding a comfortable place to rest it, and I shifted one hand to rest it on top of hers, letting my eyes linger on her face for a long moment.
"It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart…" Ronan Keating's voice drifted through the silence as the car pulled out of the driveway. "Without saying a word, you can light up the dark…Try as I may I can never explain what I hear when you don't say a thing."
Though she was pretending to be asleep, I noticed Esme's lips curve into a beautiful, humoured smile.
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me,
there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me,
the touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.
You say it best when you say nothing at allI had to return some of my attention to the road now, but that didn't stop me noticing as Esme let her hair cascade down my chest. I sighed, this time in content.
All day long I can hear people talking out loudBut when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Try as they may they can never define
What's been said between your heart and mine.
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me,
there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me,
the touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.
You say it best when you say nothing at allI realised I was smiling as I returned my eyes to my wife's peaceful face, because after all that had happened we still had each other, and we still found comfort in that. It didn't matter where we were going, with what, or why. We had to trust in Edward that he would make the right decision, that Bella would be all right. And we had to trust in each other, in the faith we had in each other. In the support we offered for each other.
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me,
there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me…
Esme opened her eyes when she felt my gaze. Her golden eyes looked up into mine, and she smiled at me.
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.
You say it best when you say nothing at all"Where shall we go?" Esme asked quietly.
"Ithaca, I think," I replied distantly. "It's nice there this time of year."
"That sounds wonderful," she agreed. I moved my hand from her hands to her cheek, lifted by her peaceful smile, as she closed her eyes again.
That smile on your face
The touch of your hand
Let's me know that you need me
You say it best when you say nothing at all
You say it best when you say nothing at all…