Stephenie Meyer Owns Twilight.

Not Without You

Chapter 21: Ambition

I wasn't home when Edward returned from school on Monday. I was on my way to Alice's house--Masen in the backseat, experimenting with all his baby sounds at differing octaves. His low growls had me laughing, while his high-pitched tones had me covering my ears, and grinding my teeth, smiling all the while. The elementary school had just let out, and I was stuck behind the crosswalk as a crossing-guard posted herself in the middle of the street, her stop sign over-head, while a seemingly never-ending stream of kids swarmed past her. There were a ton of them, marching like worker ants, all different sizes and ages. A tiny boy and girl stood out, their knit hats bouncing with their heads as they galloped by, mittened-hand-in-mittened hand. They couldn't have been older than Kindergartners, and I wondered how their parents felt comfortable allowing them to walk home without adult supervision. Would I become that lenient someday?

As it was now, I planned on never letting Masen out of my sight in public. I turned to look at him in the back. He was wide-eyed, grabbing for his feet, still mingling his coos with his squeals. How many blinks would it be before he was school-aged and walking hand and hand with a friend? I'd be in my twenties by then, but where we would be living was a mystery. Edward would have graduated college, so we wouldn't necessarily still be in California. More than likely, Edward and I would be married, though, and with that I smiled. Hopefully, my mother will have met my son by then, and perhaps our relationship would be as strong as it once was. I scoffed at the improbability of that. Neither of us had made any effort to contact each other since Masen was born. If my dad had been in touch with her, he hadn't spoken to me about it.

Finally the kids were safely on the sidewalk, and the crossing-guard resumed her seat on her fold-out chair on the opposite street corner, allowing me to pass.

Alice pulled into her driveway seconds after I'd parked alongside her curb.

It hadn't snowed last night, so though snow still frosted the ground and clung to tops of tree branches, there was less of it. I let myself imagine how nice it would be if the snow would continue its retreat for the winter, the sun indulging us for once, drying the ground completely. Maybe heavy coats wouldn't even be necessary. They'd be a nuisance more than anything, something we'd end up carrying instead of wearing. But then I wouldn't be in Forks, would I? I got myself and my little noisy bundle out of the warmth of the car.

"Bella!" she said, shutting her door, throwing her book bag over her shoulder. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you," I said, wrapping Masen's blanket snugly around him.

"Hi, Masen." Her lips left a red stain on his pink cheek, and he gave her a drool-filled smile. I wiped his puddling lips with the end of his blanket. "Yeah, so, I can guess what you want to talk about. I suppose I let the drunken cat out of the bag at my party. Come in."

I followed her up to her room. This time there was no abandoned cocktail for her to sip to calm her nerves. I could have used some nerve-calming, myself. I was unsure how to bring the subject up, and you may have noticed by now, whenever that happens, I just end up blurting it out.

"You're not going to college."

She took a breath. "It's not that I'm not ever going. We've just decided to spend the year traveling." She nodded, as if agreeing with herself. Or maybe she wanted me to agree.

"Traveling? What, like backpacking around Europe?" I'd heard of people doing that after high school--staying in hostels, sharing bathrooms. I shuddered at the thought.

She shook her head. "We're going to start here, travel the country and volunteer at shelters. You know, for homeless or battered women and children. Jasper wants to do it, and I think it will be good for me, too. He'll start his own shelter someday, but he wants to visit them first, see what works, what doesn't, what can be improved. Can you believe him? I mean, that's what his dream is. His heart is bigger than all of ours combined."

"He has the best heart," I said, kissing Masen, then placing him in the middle of Alice's pink comforter. He tried to put the material in his mouth, but I took it from his hand, leaving only his fist to munch on. He seemed happy with that.

"You think I'm wasting my year," Alice said. "That I shouldn't take the year off with Jasper."

"First of all, it doesn't matter what I think. It's your life. But no. I think what you're doing is very brave. It's admirable."

"Thank you." Her lips raised into a satisfied grin. She picked up Masen, lifting him above her head. "You're the sweetest baby, Masen."

"He knows that," I said. "He uses it to his advantage already."

"Bella," she said, Masen on her hip. "When I started to tell you this at my party, you looked angry. You looked disgusted with me." She illustrated my disgust with a scrunch of her nose.

I shook my head. "Like I said, I was thrown off. It wasn't something I expected. I had no idea what your plans were. We've never talked about it. I just always assumed they'd include college."

"Because college is something you would do."

I went to her window. Out back, snow covered the dormant garden, save for a few winter flowers that I knew would be sprouting up right through the snow down there, but from up here they were invisible. On days when it wasn't raining, Alice's mother would bring a sunlamp outside to prop over her winter flower bed, just to get her bulbs to bloom up through the snow. I watched her once from the kitchen window, and while Alice had laughed at her mom's efforts, I was entranced by them. None of the flowers I'd planted in the Cullens' garden last spring had held life through Fall. I hoped they'd be back again next season.

"Am I right? Did you have a college plan before…"

I kept my eyes outside, squinting to see spots of blue and yellow over the snow blanket. This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have. I'd rather discuss winter blooms, or anything else, really. "Your mom's flowers are still alive, right?"

"Bella, talk to me. No more avoidance."

I faced her, still reluctant to release my old college ambitions from the safety of my guarded mind. "I've never talked about this before to anyone but my mom. If I do it now, it's between you and me. Are you comfortable keeping something from Jasper? I don't want it getting back to Edward."

"It's none of Jasper's business, but why can't Edward know?"

"Because it's pointless and it will only make him feel bad."

"I promise. Nobody will hear about it from me." She kissed two fingers and held them up, as if I wouldn't have trusted her otherwise.

"I've always avoided considering an ideal college, because I could never afford it anyway, but I knew I would study literature, and someday, maybe, teach it. Don't laugh."

"Why would I laugh? That's perfect for you. But it's not pointless. You can do it."

"I'm going to do it, but after Edward finishes."

"So, that's why Edward doesn't know? Because you're letting him go first?"

"The night we told our parents about my pregnancy, my mom was totally against…" I glanced at Masen in Alice's arms. He kept reaching for the flippy wisps of her hair, while she kept staving him off with her free hand. "…Well, you know how she felt. She said that my future would suffer more than Edward's because that's the way our society is. I would hate for Edward to think that my future was suffering because of him. And you know he would think that way. He might already. But with Edward's brains and opportunity, it makes sense for him to go first. It's not about whose future is more important. It's a family choice."

"Is it a family choice if Edward isn't aware of your plans? If I know Edward, he would not want to head off to Stanford without knowing about this."

"That was the old me. My wants are different now. Besides, at this point, I couldn't stand being away from Masen. He's just a baby." I took him from Alice and kissed him. "Having a baby doesn't just change your life's path, it changes your perspective. Maybe it's not ideal, but this is the way I want it."

"It makes me wonder if any of us really have control over our lives. Or does our fate just fall around us wherever and whenever it may land?"

"I've asked that, too, and I'll tell you something Edward taught me. We make our own choices. That's how we have control. No matter what life throws at us, we always have a choice."

"How do you know if it's the right choice?"

"Faith? I don't know," I held Masen tighter, looking down at him, his fist in his mouth, his eyes unfocused. "You can't really know until you know." I lifted a framed picture of Alice and Jasper off the dresser and showed it to Masen. He grabbed it from me, and Alice's hand reached out in an effort to catch it if it fell. I held on to it, to make sure that didn't happen, letting his fingers explore it for a moment, before returning it to the dresser. "Are you questioning your decision?" I asked.

"I never question my decisions. I worry about how people will accept them, but I never question them. If I changed my mind tomorrow, I wouldn't question that either." She shrugged her shoulders, as if a sudden change of mind that would affect her year, and possibly her entire future, would make no difference.

"I can't believe you and Rosalie ever became friends. She's probably had her life mapped out since she was five. You and she are like night and day."

"And yet night wouldn't have meaning without day." She smiled.

"You should run that by Emmett," I said. "I'm sure he could find a way."

"Uh, yeah, no thanks. I can just imagine that hour long conversation. It would end with us somehow being controlled by the calendar. But… speaking of choices, what about Edward's choice the other night?" Her fists came to her hips, much like Wonder Woman--her tough Alice stance. "Wait until I get that boy alone. I have a thing or eighty to say to him."

"Don't. Please don't. He's punished himself enough. Believe me. We just want to forget about it."

Alice laughed. "Forget about it?"

"Why's that funny?"

"Don't you think Rosalie is over there right now giving him a lashing?"

"No! You really think she is?"

"I know she is. Bella, you'd think you would understand their relationship by now. She is not going to let Edward get away with making an ass of himself."

"Why wouldn't she have just talked to him at school?"

"No way. Everyone was giving him enough grief at school."

"What?" Masen grabbed hold of a chunk of my hair at the nape of my neck and yanked at it, trying to mouth it. I winced, working his fingers to loosen his grasp.

"Bella. Prepare yourself. According to the rumors at school, Edward has been having flings all along. And now that you know..." She held her fingers up, forming air quotes, "word is, you and Edward are on the outs. Some kids have you living back at your dad's already. I can't even deny it when they ask me about it because then they assume I'm lying and covering for you. I just tell them to get lost. And the girls are…"

"The girls are what?" I brushed all of my hair around to the front of my shoulder opposite Masen, holding his hands away. Why had I left all of his toys in the car?

"Coming on to him again."

I groaned. "I can't wait until high school is over. I have to go." If Rosalie was with Edward, I had to stop her before she brought his guilt to the forefront of his mind all over again.

I pulled Alice into a one armed hug, and with the end of high school still lingering in my thoughts, I found myself holding on a little longer than I'd intended.

"Before you go, I have a favor to ask."

"What?"

"Will you tell Rosalie about my travel plans? She'll be more open to the idea knowing you've accepted it."

"What is with everyone thinking it's easier for me to talk to Rosalie than it is for anyone else? She intimidates all of us equally."

"It is easier for you. I've seen it. I don't know why. Maybe it's because you two started out as enemies."

"Alice, I'm sorry. But this is something you have to do. I'll be there for you if you want, but the words have to come from you."

"Fine. Be that way." She folded her arms across her chest, pouting at me.

"Does that work on Jasper?"

"I'll remember this," she said, waving a finger at me. "Just wait until you need a babysitter." Tugging on Masen's hand, she whispered into his ear. "I'm only kidding. Auntie Alice will babysit you anytime."

His answering squeal was loud enough to send both of our heads retracting from him. He looked like he'd even surprised himself with that one, and the three of us laughed together.

Edward was studying alone when I got home. Masen, who was taking fewer naps these days, wasn't even close to being sleepy, so I'd brought him with me to Edward's room. Edward turned to us with a smile, then came to hug me and kiss Masen. "I missed you two." He took Masen from my arms and gave me a long kiss. Unsteady on my tiptoes, I had to hold the v-line of his shirt for balance. His arm came to support my back as he continued the kiss, and I no longer had to concentrate on not falling over--just felt his lips on mine, my tongue reaching for his. Edward was better at holding Masen and me at the same time than I was at holding myself up.

"You seem happy," I said on an exhale, my palm on his face, as I thumbed lightly over the lips that had just taken my breath away.

"You're here. Why wouldn't I be?" He gave me another quick kiss.

His room was warm. Heat blew down on me from the ceiling vent, and I removed my coat, to better feel the warmth through my clothes.

"Didn't Rosalie come and see you?" I asked, dropping my coat on the bed.

He tilted his head, backing up a few steps. "How did you know that?"

"She didn't make you feel bad?"

"She tried, but I told her to stay out of it. It's in the past. That's what you want, right?"

"You did?" I laughed. "What did she say?"

He shrugged. "Nothing. She started to say something, but then changed her mind, I guess. I'm glad she loves you enough to yell at me about it, though. All of our friends love you more than me, and that's the way it should be."

"Shut up. They do not."

"Yes they do. If I ever hurt you, they'd be out for blood. Jasper leading."

"And if I hurt you? Then what would they do?"

"Laugh."

"No, they would not." I reached out to shove against his chest, but he caught my arm and pulled me close, kissing my head.

"Let's not hurt each other so we never have to find out."

"Alice told me about what happened at school today."

"She told you about the rumors?" His eyes narrowed as his fingers brushed a light touch over my face.

"If rumors were drugs, every kid in Forks would be an addict, the way they peddle that B.S. around."

"Forget about it. It's nothing I haven't been through before."

"Maybe I should take you to school tomorrow. Show everyone that we're still together."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"I do. I'm going. I need to remark my territory."

He laughed. "What about Masen? Nobody will be around to babysit him. Are you going to subject him to the insanity of students at Forks High?"

I paused to stare at Masen, who was drumming Edward's shoulder with his little fist over and over before squishing some of the shirt in his fingers. I wondered why he didn't reach up to snag his daddy's hair. Edward had the kind of hair that enticed pulling. "But I want to do something to show them. If just a few of the people see, especially the right people, then everyone will know."

"Okay, stubborn girl. How about at Thursday night's baseball game? It's just a scrimmage, but everyone will be there."

I cringed and gave an automatic shake of my head.

"Come on. It might be fun. Or… we could have a party here and invite everyone."

"Baseball game," I said, the words out before my brain even had a second to process the thought of another Forks High party.

Masen fussed, reminding Edward that he had something for me. He went to his desk and tossed a book at me that I, of course, dropped.

"Baby signs?" I asked, picking it up.

"It's about teaching baby sign language. My mom got it. She says it's supposed to help Masen communicate before he can talk--cut back on the crying. But you don't cry that much anyway, do you, little guy?" Edward asked, running a finger down Masen's chin, his fussing starting up again, as if to prove Edward wrong.

"I'll try it. Anything to lessen the crying. I can't stand hearing him cry. Even if it's only for a little while."

"Bella?" Edward asked, coming to me, slipping his fingers into the waist of my jeans, and giving a pull toward him. "Do you want to start reading that book while I play the piano?" Lately his lips formed an automatic smile whenever he said the word 'piano'. It was much like when he said my name or Masen's name. The corner of his lips would lift, a small smile playing on his lips. It was natural and involuntary, and I loved it.

"Now? But it's not the middle of the night."

"I have no control over when the piano compels me. I used to ignore it when people were awake, but I don't have to anymore. Because of you."

"What did I do?"

"You came into my life." He bent down to kiss me. "But really, you showed me that I don't have to feel pressured into pursuing it. That I can just enjoy it like reading, or anything else. All my life, every time I played for anyone, they tried to persuade me to follow it. I've never had that ambition, or-or... drive to turn the art of piano into a career--I'm not one to play in front of crowds. It was others, family members, friends, placing those ambitions on me like they were my own. That pressure." His free hand went to his head, fingers in his hair. "I've had to pretend for so long that I had no interest in playing, that it took you and your willingness to listen to me play just for the sake of playing--without expectations--for me to finally get to the place where I can play weightlessly. It feels so fucking good."

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad about the piano, but watch your language when you're holding Masen."

"Damn!" His eyes widened and he covered his mouth. "I'm working on it. I promise," he said, his voice muffled by his hand. Then he smiled, taking my fingers with one hand, bouncing Masen in his other arm, attempting to calm baby's growing fusses, and brought us down toward the piano.

Instead of reading, I stood behind Edward, cradling Masen, swaying him in my arms as the music and the movement calmed him. Masen started leaning toward the piano, so I bent over and let him bang on the keys. His hits weren't strong enough to get sound out of the piano every time, but the keys made some noise, and his feet kicked against me as his hands went at it some more, picking up speed and strength.

"Bella," Edward said, "I can't play when you're allowing him do that."

"It's a duet," I said, "and it's making him happy. Look."

"He has his own piano to make him happy."

"That's true!" I laid Masen on his tummy on the floor, then ran up to his room to get his piano. When I came back, Esme had joined Edward.

"I love it when you play," she was saying, as I set the toy piano in front of Masen. "I haven't heard this one, what's it called?"

"Ask Bella."

I listened and watched as his fingers traveled over the keys, but I hadn't the faintest clue what it was. Should I have known? I brought a finger to my lips, listening closer. "I'm sorry, I don't recognize it."

"I mean…" Edward said, pausing the music and turning toward me, "it's yours. You should name it."

"You wrote this? For me?"

"It's for you, and I made it up, but I didn't write it." He laughed. "I don't write music. I only play it."

I hugged him tight from behind, squeezing around his neck. "Thank you, Edward!"

"B-Bella." His voice was strained. "You're choking me."

I loosened my hold. "Sorry. Play it again."

"Well, it's a duet, so you're going to have to bring Masen back over here to bang out his part."

I hit his shoulder. "Just play." His fingers moved over the keys, playing my song as I leaned over him, my arms still hanging loosely around his shoulders, my cheek against his. The melody reminded me of the rain over Forks. It began soft and quiet, then came down harder and faster, only to calm and slow again, but not stopping completely. On another note, it reminded me of our relationship as of late. I turned my face to whisper in Edward's ear. "This is the sexiest thing ever." I meant it, too. If Esme hadn't been standing a few feet behind me, and Masen hadn't been right there on the floor, I would have attacked Edward with my lips. As it was, all I could do was slyly lick his earlobe, thankful for the shield my long hair offered. One corner of his lips twitched into a smile, but his fingers didn't falter over the keys.

Masen's fussing started again, and I knew from the feeling in my breasts that he was hungry. I brought him with me to the sofa, nursing him while Edward played. Esme sat down beside us, lifting the book I had dropped on the cushion earlier, and fingered through it. Masen nursed hungrily, taking gasping breaths every so often, making me giggle at him. "You're so hungry," I said. "Sorry I waited so long." He finally calmed into a steady rhythm, his fingers twisting the ends of my hair. I closed my eyes, letting his touch relax me, hoping that it would not become a sudden yank. He must have been as relaxed as me, because he never did pull.

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