Rule #20: I will not call the defence against the dark arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
"Seamus, there you-" Began Harry before coming to a halt. "Malfoy? Hermione?"
The study group came to an abrupt halt, slamming into the back of Harry.
They were gobsmacked. Of course, you would be too if you had seen Hermione Granger dressed as a very slaggish elf. Beside her, Malfoy stood in full Santa attire except the beard which was clutched in his heartless hands. Beside them, Marideth Suzanna was giving her a withering look while Seamus just looked over-all confused.
"I...but...who...am I...Are you really...I'm missing something aren't I?" Ron stuttered as he gazed at the scene before him.
"Draco, just hug her already!" Hermione screamed ignoring her friends who had just joined the chapter.
"No! You can't make me!"
"Draco, you have to hug her!"
"No!"
"But you're Santa!"
"I never wanted to be Santa in the first place! Slytherins are not jolly and they definitely don't hug people while they are dressed in tacky suits that look like Dumbledore on a lemon drop binge, let alone a snobby stuck up American who just waltzed right on in here like she owned the place!" Draco ranted as he threw his beard to the ground and stomped joyfully on it, where it was lost among the fluffy white snow.
"That doesn't give you the right to throw candy canes at me!" Marideth screeched.
"I can throw anything I like at you!" Hermione retaliated. Marideth gasped.
"Make a snow bitch!" Marideth yelled as she advanced on Hermione and pushed her with all her might, sending Hermione a few inches backwards, not doing the least bit of harm. It appears that Marideth Suzanna should eat more Alberta Beef to get her strength up.
"Stay away from Hermione you whore!" Ginny yelled in all her feistiness and tackled Marideth into the snow.
"Hermione, why are you dressed like that?" Asked Ron.
"Dumbledore made me and Draco pass out the candy grams..." She replied.
"Why you two?" Dean wondered aloud.
"Well, you see..." Hermione trailed off.
FLASHBACKDraco and Hermione stood in front of Dumbledore's desk. The jubilant Headmaster tossed two costumes at them before yelling 'Get out'.
END FLASHBACKDraco stared at her, prepared to contradict her retelling but seemed to think better of it. "Yeah, that's what happened."
"So Dumbledore called you two to his office, threw something at you, yelled at you and then banished you?" Harry questioned trying to see reason.
"Well if you look at it that way of course it's going to sound bad! He probably had a tough day, it's not easy being Dumbledore!" Hermione retaliated.
"Well it's also tough being Harry Potter but you don't see me throwing stuff at you!" Harry exclaimed.
RING!
"Oh my Merlin! We're all late for defense against the dark arts!" The group screamed in unison. They all ran off up to the castle, while Ginny and Marideth Suzanna lay forgotten on the ground, still trying to Avada each other without using their wands.
Once inside they noticed something was different.
"Something is different..." Harry said bluntly.
Five inches of snow covered the corridor floor.
"Fred and George..." They groaned in unison. Slipping slightly, they made a mad dash towards the DADA room which was on the fourth floor. When they arrived, they found all of the class in full winter wear, shivering in their wooden desks and the group joined them.
Professor Lupin entered (He's the new DADA teacher because no one else wanted to take the job for fear they would meet a horrible death, possibly involving being carried off into the forest by angry centaurs); he was wearing a large orange parka. His hood was pulled over his graying hair and the hands that clutched his tattered briefcase were clad in canary yellow mittens. Hannah twitched her eyes raising her hand.
"Um...Professor?"
"Yes Miss Abbot?"
"What's with the giant orange anorak?"
"It's Lockhart's. He leant it to me."
"You look like Kenny from South Park."
"I know."
Ernie, now taking after Hannah's idea in delaying the beginning of class by asking stupid questions, raised his hand.
"Um...Professor?"
"Yes Mr. Macmillan?"
"How is the security of the castle?"
"Fine. Why do you ask?"
"Because today Lord Voldemort walked in and bought a candygram…"
FLASHBACK
Hanna and Ernie were sitting at the candygram table, talking animatedly to one another, seeing as their prefect duties to sell candygrams was highly boring, but not as horrible as the fate upon whoever Dumbledore chose to pass them out. Hannah just began telling Ernie about her new color nailpolish when a deep, hissy voice said "Four candygrams please.…" Hannah, not turning her head grabbed four candygrams and slid them over to the voice. He slid four sickles back. Ernie snatched them up without hesitation. After a few moments, the voice asked 'How do you spell Dumbledore?'. Hannah turned around in a furious rage, not liking the fact that she got interrupted, and ended up staring into the face of all evil. Ernie followed her gaze until he too, was staring completely gobsmacked at the sight of Voldemort holding a candycane in one hand, and a quill in the other. After a few moments silence, Voldemort got bored.
"Well? How do you spell it?" Hannah and Ernie didn't answer. "Fine then! I'll just have to spell it out! Dear D-U-M...B...L-U..D-O-O-R..." He trailed on until he finished writing small notes on the tags of all four candycanes before sliding them back across the table and leaving the two Hufflepuffs without so much as a backwards glance.
END FLASHBACKSeamus, continuing the trend, raised his hand.
"Yes Mr. Finnigan?" Lupin sighed, growing bored of his student's endless questions.
"Sir, did you send any candygrams to Professor Snape?"
"As a matter of fact I did. Severus has always been kind to me so I thought it was time to return the favor."
"Hey, I sent him one too!" A Ravenclaw girl shouted from the back of the class.
"So did I!" Exclaimed Lavender Brown.
FLASHBACKThe room to the Potion's classroom flew open, allowing Santa and the bookish elf to enter.
"What do you want?" Snape grumbled from his desk.
"Happy Christmas Professor Snape!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Ho Ho Ho..." Draco groaned.
"Well whatever you're here for, just get it over with then leave my class in peace." Snape stated plainly.
"Fine then, don't get your knickers in a twist." Hermione said. She extracted a handful of candygrams from her velvet sac and began calling out the names. "To Professor Snape, from Mandy Brocklehurst!" Hermione exclaimed as she tossed it over to Snape. It landed in his cauldron. Draco grabbed a few candygrams from Hermione and began to read. "To Snape, Love Cindy! To Snape, Love Sue! To Snape, Love Kelsey! To Snape, Love Sasha! To Snape, Love Hank!" Draco tossed the candy at Snape who looked sincerely puzzled. Hermione extracted another bunch and continued to call out names.
"To Snape, Love Heather! To Snape, Love Velvet! To Snape, Love Louise! To Snape, Love Martha! To My Dearest Little Love Dumpling Severus, Love Filch!" Hermione giggled as she tossed over the candy. Draco was about to extract another handful when Snape interrupted.
"Alright, enough already! Just how many candygrams did I get anyways?" Snape snapped. A bubbly blonde girl in the front row raised her hand quietly. Snape looked irritated but allowed her to speak.
"Um...I sent you five sir!" She squeaked.
"I sent you two sir!" Another student piped up.
"I sent you more than she did!" A red head said as she pointed to Pansy who had been quiet throughout this whole exchange. The chatter grew until Snape shouted for them all to shut up.
"Be quiet you stupid little ingrates! Detention until you're my age!" Snape grumbled. "Look, why don't you just leave all of the ones for me to sort through later." Draco and Hermione stared at each other for a breif second before shrugging. They, together, grabbed the bag, walked up to the front of the class and dumped it's entire contents over the Potion Master's head. He was gobsmacked. Draco adverted his eyes to the pile when he saw a peculiar name. He picked up a candycane and read aloud...
"My Dear Severus, Think of this candycane as a token of my gratitude as to your excellent espionage work over the past years and managing to convince that fool Dumbledore and most of the Harry Potter fandom that you are good...Ha! Lots of Love, Voldie." Hermione, at hearing this almost choked. Draco looked strangely at the tag before tossing it idly back into the pile. He bent down and hugged Snape, who seemed, at this point, very disgruntled. "Happy Christmas Godfather!" He said with a smile before straightening back up to his full height. Pansy's mind clicked.
"Godfather..." She mumbled under her breath. Then reality hit her. "DRACO!" She shrieked. Draco looked up and noticed Pansy.
"Gotta run!" He exclaimed as he grabbed Hermione's arm and drug her out of the class, laughing like a maniac.
END FLASHBACKThis continued until the bell rang, so no other work was actually done. When the bell rang, Draco noted that Nott still possessed the quill that he had asked Draco to borrow.
"Come back with my quill Nott!" Draco called as he dashed out of the room. Pansy followed. Due to the blizzard that had now engulfed the interior of the school, Pansy donned a furry white robe, worthy of Cruella DeVille meets the White Witch of Narnia, complete with a stark white version of La Carlotta's handwarmer from The Phantom of the Opera. They stuck their head out of the DADA room door, and in the distance, they could see what appeared to be an unconscious Nott being drug off by Luna Lovegood. "Loony is kidnapping Nott!" Draco exclaimed.
"She can't do that! Only Slytherins are allowed to kidnap students! She's defying the unwritten rules of Slytherin house!" Pansy cried.
"Get her!" They yelled in unison. Draco and Pansy tore off after Luna, who was carrying him fireman style. They pursued her until she tossed Nott into one of the horse-drawn sleighs from the Chamber of Secrets and took off with him across the lake. Pansy and Draco hopped into another one. Pansy took the reins and reared the horses after Luna.
The two sleighs raced across the icy surface of the lake, both drivers trying to avoid students taking advantage of the blistering cold weather and ice-skating across the surface. The horses neighed and whinnied as their drivers urged them on. Students were diving out of the way! Blood was flying everywhere! Screams could be heard echoing out into the distance.
"Faster!" Luna cried as she cracked the reins.
"Faster!" Pansy hollered as she cracked a whip that magically appeared in her hand.
"How about slow down? I'm going to be sick!" Draco yelled from the back of the sleigh where he was cowering in fear.
Up ahead, Luna could tell that the horses were getting tired. Deciding that without losing some extra weight she wouldn't get away, she came to an abrupt halt. Hurriedly, she jumped out of the sleigh, tugged Nott with her and dropped a small white ferret onto his chest.
"Until we meet again my love." She whispered before hopping back in the sleigh and taking off into the horizon...
"Look!" Pansy yelled to Draco as she drew the sleigh to a stop. "There he is!" They jumped out and kneeled next to Nott.
"Why isn't he moving?" Draco asked as he looked at Nott's cold, lifeless body.
"He's fallen into eternal sleep!"
GASP!
"Oh. is that all?"
"Apparently." Draco looked down at Nott and noticed that he had his quill in his hand. He took it back and
slipped it into his pocket. "Thank you!"
"Oh, look!" Pansy exclaimed as she picked up the ferret. "Isn't he cute?"
"No! Pansy put him down this instant!"
"I think I'll call him Drakey!"
"You won't call him anything because I'm going to kill him!"
"You kill him, and I kill you Draco!" Draco gave a withering glance to his girlfriend before jumping back in the sleigh. "Hey, what are we going to do about Nott? we can't just leave him out here! He'll die!"
"No one would notice he was gone." Draco reasoned.
"I know! But he'll die! And I can't have that stress on my conscience; it will give me wrinkles!"
"Fine!" Draco gave in as he jumped out of the sleigh. He and Pansy hoisted Nott into the sleigh, Pansy, hiding
Drakey in her hood to make sure that Draco didn't kill him behind her back, and Draco, glaring at the ferret wondering if there was the possibility that he could get it alone, corner it, then kill it with all of his might, to be followed by maniacal laughter. Nott landed in the sleigh with a loud THUNK. They jumped in the sleigh and Draco reluctantly took the reins that Pansy pushed at him. She took Drakey out of her hood and stuffed him in the handwarming, petting his snow white head delicately while he blended in with the white fur.
Dear Minerva,
I am resigning my post as Headmaster and handing it over to the ever brilliant and extremely attractive Lord Voldemort. All of Hogwarts is counting on me and you can tell the Order to resign too.
All my love, Dumbludoor
McGonagall sighed and tossed the candycane into a nearby waste bin.
"Every year..."
Merry Christmas readers!