Like someone crawling through a tunnel, Mai found herself groping desperately through the darkness in search of happiness.
She hadn't taken it as hard as either Zuko or Ty Lee, since she was far better than both of them at keeping her emotions reined in. She was the one who planned the funeral while Zuko walked the palace at night like a madman. She provided a steady shoulder for Ty Lee to cry on before the acrobat returned to the Earth Kingdom.
But just because Mai didn't show the feelings didn't mean they weren't there. She was pressing them down, subduing them, veiling her heart in shadow. The depression she had maintained while under her parents' care returned, visible only to her. The happiness she'd had after the war, so brief, when she imagined that she could wed Zuko and be content with that, was gone. She had the crest in her hair and the title to her name, but it meant nothing.
If the doctors had known, Mai was sure they'd call it prenatal depression and leave it at that. And indeed, the growing roundness of her stomach didn't come with any of the happiness she'd hoped for, even as servants and nobles alike gathered to assure her that the baby would be a strong heir for the Fire Nation. In direct contrast to her, in fact, the only time Zuko seemed happy was when he was touching her stomach, holding his ear to it, stroking it. In some ways Mai thought she'd become nothing more than the thing growing inside of her.
It didn't suit her, pregnancy. She hated the tenderness in her breasts and the nausea that wracked her without warning, to say nothing of how movement was steadily becoming more difficult and her bladder felt smaller with each passing day.
She was quite visibly showing and in the fourth or fifth month of her pregnancy, by the doctors' estimation, when Ty Lee swept back up on the shores of the capital, accompanied by Suki.
"She's…not doing too well," Suki explained to the Fire Lord and Lady. "I thought going home might help."
"She kidnapped me," Ty Lee said, attempting a smile that fell completely flat.
Mai was shocked by the change in her friend. Of course Azula's death had affected Ty profoundly, but Mai had figured Ty Lee would deal with it as she dealt with all things in life—grieving, yes, but retaining her cheerfulness. Now, though, there was nothing pink about Ty Lee's aura. Her braid was disheveled, dark bags had taken up residence under her eyes, and a smile no longer frequented her lips.
"You're staying with us," Mai decided. Ty Lee nodded, but said nothing.
But being at home didn't seem to do anything at all for Ty Lee's depression. She continued to lie in bed all day, and only the scene outside of the window was different. Mai found herself spending more and more time with Ty and less and less with Zuko; the only necessary excuse was that Ty Lee was in need of comfort at the moment.
"I'm happy for you," Ty Lee said, glancing down at Mai's protruding stomach and back up at her face. A smile flickered on her lips, and Mai could tell it was sincere. That was Ty's only comment on the pregnancy, and Mai loved her for that.
On an unseasonably cold evening, the two lay together under the sheets in Ty Lee's room. The sound of falling rain kept them company, the only sound in the silence of the chambers until, after a long while, Ty Lee broke it.
"…Do you remember when Azula used to talk about becoming Fire Lord?"
Mai closed her eyes and let a chuckle escape her throat. How could she forget? She remembered Azula, during sex or afterwards, on those rare days when her mood was high. Her lips would curl up into a smile, and with an arm around each of them she would describe the future.
A different future.
"Of course. She'd say that she'd be the first Fire Lord in history to take two Fire Ladies, but nobody would dare cross her."
"She'd say I'd be at her right hand and you'd be at her left…"
"She liked you more."
Ty Lee let loose a short laugh. The sound made Mai smile. There were images of her head now, of a woman with striking golden eyes and dark hair on a throne, her smile as deadly as her bending, and two women flanking her. It was such a seductive image. Nostalgia and sadness coiled inside of Mai. She leaned over to face Ty, whose eyes were slightly glassy.
They kissed, and then did more than kiss, while the rain came down outside. But it was wrong, all of it, because there was someone missing from the trio, and everything Mai did felt fake and disingenuous. When they'd finished, Ty Lee turned the other way and tried to muffle her sniffling.
Mai stared up at the ceiling, darkness coiling cold fingers inside of her chest again.
She wondered why she'd felt as if she'd betrayed Azula rather than Zuko.