Maura ran.
She had promised Jane that she was going to stop running. She had told herself that she was done escaping her problems with speed and distance, she would face them head on.
But still she ran. Because she knew that if she didn't, if she didn't put all her focus into running so far and so fast that she had no idea where she was, that she would turn around and murder her best friend.
Because in that moment when Jane had been helpless, about to be mauled by a bear, she had been the one able to save her. She had charged in and tackled the bad guy, taken him down, protected her family. She had been bad-ass. She had been strong. And she had loved it. She loved the power of her new body. She loved the feeling of fresh blood flooding into her mouth. She loved the feeling of knowing she held the power of life and death over her prey and choosing to snuff out their lives on her whim.
Since the moment she woke up she had been fervently denying this truth. She had fooled herself, and Jane, but the little niggling kernel of knowledge had been eroding her self-control for weeks, whispering that she shouldn't regret having to hunt and kill, that she should just stop resisting temptation and give in to her instincts.
Now the tables had suddenly turned. The floodgates were open. The stark realisation of her hidden lust for the kill had overwhelmed Maura's senses, urging her to spin around and finish Jane right then. She didn't have the excuse of blood lust or crippling thirst; they had both been satisfied by the bear and the injured deer that had delayed her return to the clearing.
The pitiful creature had been partially crushed under the tree she had knocked over, crying out in pain. Maura had felt almost kind putting it out of its misery, the rush she gained from its blood an adequate payment for her generosity.
She was still lost in the glow she felt after feeding when she had heard Jane scream for help. Without a second thought Maura sped back to her friend, a fierce protectiveness overtaking her conscious mind. It was an instinctual impulse, basic and feral as her feeding urge. It was a pack mentality thing; she needed to keep what was hers and destroy anything that threatened her family.
The bear had been mid leap when she broke through the trees. Jane was falling towards the ground, milliseconds away from an ugly death. Maura's mind blanked out with rage, her body not slowing as she ploughed into the side of the bear and propelled them both away from her Jane.
She rolled back onto her feet instantly, moving to defend Jane who had frozen in shock. The beast within Maura sensed her fear and the rage pulsed brighter, pulling her lips back over her teeth in an outraged snarl. The bear turned towards them, pushing Maura past the point of restraint. She crashed into the bear, savagely mauling its neck viciously. She had never needed any of her prey to die so desperately; the thought of what this creature could have taken from her was devastating.
The bear expired quickly, bleeding out and collapsing with barely a groan. Maura finished off the last of the blood, and then stood at her natural vampiric speed.
Suddenly she was torn. Her instincts screamed at her to turn and kill the prey behind her just as strongly as they had been screaming at her to protect Jane mere moments earlier. Without the threat of an outside enemy Jane's fate was again Maura's to decide and the beast inside wanted to indulge her thirst right now. Fortunately the human in Maura won out, screaming back at her feral side that this was her best friend, her emotional anchor, her crucial motivation for living, and she would not attack her. Before Jane's scent could reach her Maura ran for the tree line and kept going, her pace easily passing the polite top speed they had so carefully measured earlier in the day.
Maura ran until the sun went down and then kept going. She had no idea where she was, having thrown in several random turns to throw off her sense of direction as much as possible. Her blood lust had faded hours ago, leaving her with a debilitating guilt and a deep revolted terror of herself. She wasn't trying to keep Jane safe anymore; she was trying to outrun her own demons.
Maura realised that understanding her instincts was the key to supressing them. Now that she understood and accepted how much she enjoyed the feeling of power she experienced while hunting she stood a much better chance of controlling herself. When she had held stubbornly to the idea that she was still the same Maura Isles who detested violence and drew no pleasure from having power over people she was denying a huge part of herself, making it appear in uncontrollable instinctual outbursts.
If there was one thing Maura had always been able to control it was her own mind. Now that she was armed with self-aware knowledge and understanding, she could decide what her actions would be. She would decide that she absolutely would never hurt anyone, no matter how much a part of her might enjoy doing it. It would require constant vigilance and reaffirming but she would stand by that absolute resolution.
Maura felt exhausted for the first time since awakening as a vampire, not physically but mentally and emotionally. Her revelations had been transformative but extremely difficult to admit, and she felt like a piece of her soul had been chipped away, leaving a painful hole. She had always tried to be the best person she possibly could, so to understand that there was a part of her that enjoyed activities that would previously have shocked and appalled her was devastatingly disheartening. She felt like her life before the transformation had either been a lie or a waste of effort; it had taken just two weeks in her new body to strip away some of her most important human characteristics and leave her in a discomforting grey area, a place she was extremely unfamiliar and unsure.
Finally she stopped running, realising that she had covered the same ground in her head several times with no new progress. Knowing that staying in the forest moping wasn't helping Maura decided to head back to Jane.
Maura had been churning over the same prickly thoughts as she ran; can I go back? Can I be around people? Can I face Jane now that she really understands what I am? Will she still stand by me?
The last question was the one that had kept Maura running long after her thoughts had started repeating. She knew that without Jane on her side there would be no chance of her coming to terms with her new realisations. If Jane couldn't accept the predatory side of her Maura wouldn't be able to accept it either. She had no idea what she would do if that was the case. For nearly the first time in her life she had no backup plan, no contingency, no safety net.
But she had also remembered that she had agreed not to run away, just as Jane had agreed not to turn away from her. If she could manage to face Jane maybe she would manage to accept her, figurative fangs and all.
Maura gathered her courage and looked at the stars, quickly gaining her bearings. After determining what she thought was the correct direction she set off at a determined pace. She realised that she had in fact turned back towards Boston at some point during her wandering when she suddenly reached the tree line and saw the highway in the distance. Following the tree line she eventually came to the dirt road they had followed into the clearing. Maura took in a calming breath and held it, not sure if she wanted Jane to be there or gone. When she saw her car still parked where they had left it that morning the relief in her heart answered for her.
Jane was thoroughly uneasy. She had tensely waited all day for Maura to come back, growing more worried by the hour. When the sun had gone down she had really started to worry. She had replayed the attack countless times, her imagination magnifying the monstrousness of Maura's terrifying snarl and brutal kill before her rational mind reasserted itself and cut the memory back to what had actually happened.
Maura had saved her life. That was it. She wouldn't be alive right now if not for her friend and her impressive self-control. Jane knew it must have been nearly impossible to run rather than attacking, but Maura had done it for her. Jane also knew that Maura was probably beating herself up for losing her human façade and giving in to her instincts in front of Jane, so she would need to show her that it didn't matter, Jane was still committed to supporting and helping her friend. All she needed was for Maura to come back.
Any time now.
Jane was starting to imagine everything from bears to werewolves outside the car at this point. There were a lot of creepy noises in the forest and her mind was warping all of them, her tense day turning her fear into outright paranoia. She had already had a fright when a bird decided to land on the front of the car, yelling out before she could help it. The bird had looked disdainfully at her before flying away harmlessly. Jane had gripped the steering wheel after that, her knuckles growing white as she grew more tense the longer she sat there.
Which is why it was unsurprising that she screamed like a five year old and almost jumped through the window when Maura gently knocked on the door next to her.
Maura jumped back in surprise with a hurt look on her face which quickly crumpled into disappointment. Jane grabbed her chest, feeling like her heart was going to vacate the premises. After taking a good minute to calm down enough to get her hand to the door handle, Jane shakily opened the door and almost fell out of the car. She stumbled over to Maura and threw her arms around her, her weak legs turning the hug into more of a tackle.
Maura was surprised but managed to catch Jane before she fell, returning the hug in shock. She relaxed into the hug, realising that Jane had been scared from surprise, not in reaction to her specifically. When Jane started to feel a bit steadier Maura carefully stood her back up, keeping a hand on her arms in case her legs gave out. Jane's expression was torn between relief, happiness and embarrassment.
"Please promise me that you will NEVER tell anyone I squealed like a girl because I was afraid of the dark." Maura barked out a laugh. "I promise, as long as you promise not to tell anyone how terrifying I am." Jane sobered, flashing back to the vision that had been plaguing her all day.
"Deal. And I am so sorry for putting you in that position Maur, you warned me there was a bear and I just didn't think. I was worried about you, dumb I know." Jane looked contrite, ashamed of putting Maura through such a big trial.
Maura smiled without humour. "Well I'm sorry for putting you in danger. I'm sorry you had to see me like that Jane; I know you wanted to see it but I should never have let it happen."
Jane was pensive, trying to work out the right response. Her instinct was to diffuse the tension with humour, but this could turn into a big untouchable topic if she chose that path.
"I'd rather see that side of you and know what you're going through. You need to have someone to talk to about this stuff. I might not be able to understand everything, but I can try. I know you're still struggling, I can see it on your face. Talk to me Maur, I can at least listen."
Maura turned away, annoyed at herself for letting Jane see her emotions, just as she had let her see the monster. Jane had always been able to read her face like a book. "I'm just struggling with my nature. I'm having trouble integrating my old self with the new instincts and feelings I have experienced."
Jane peered at Maura's expression, which was still saying a lot to her even after Maura finished talking. She started rambling, watching Maura's reactions to steer her questions. "So you're saying your new vampire self is butting heads with your human Mauraness? And you're having some new feelings, and you don't quite know how to deal with them, so you being you you've supressed them?" Maura huffed, looking back at Jane in annoyance at how quickly she figured it all out.
"Fine, yes, that's what I've been doing. I don't like the fact that when I go hunting and kill these poor innocent animals that part of me….enjoys it." Maura looked at Jane expecting to see revulsion and fear. Instead she saw an affectionate smile and it completely threw Maura for a loop. "Why are you smiling? I just told you I enjoy killing defenceless animals; that is a known indicator for psychotic behaviour! You should be running away right now!"
Jane just smiled and drew a surprised Maura into a hug. "It's psychotic behaviour for humans Maura. It's psychotic behaviour to kill defenceless animals for pleasure, not for food. You can't help that your new instincts are pointing you towards hunting prey. The fact that you're having so much trouble with it tells me that you still have plenty of human conscience keeping you honest. I'm not saying you should give in to those instincts and go on a killing spree, but when you're just getting your dinner and keeping me and everyone else safe there's nothing wrong with enjoying yourself. Need I remind you that you saved my life here today? If you were a psychotic killer you wouldn't have done that, I'd be lying in the grass over by the bear and you'd be back in Boston hunting humans instead of bears."
Maura clung on tighter to Jane, drawing great comfort from the outpouring of love and trust from her friend. She had hoped Jane would be okay with this, but as always she was surprised by how much better Jane could make her feel. She always managed to tie herself in emotional knots without Jane to talk her through her problems.
Eventually Jane needed to squirm out of the hug. Maura had been gradually tightening her arms without realising it and oxygen was becoming an issue. Jane looked at her with a comfortable smile, nodding towards the car.
"Come on, let's go home. I'm hungry and thirsty and I think there's a seat on your couch with my name on it. You can drive though; I think I'm still a bit shaky after someone made me jump out of my skin."
Maura chuckled, knowing it was better for her to drive in the dark night even if Jane was feeling alright. As Jane crossed to the passenger side Maura quickly ran around the clearing gathering her equipment, which Jane hadn't had the courage to leave the car to retrieve. She had only left the car for a quick bathroom break and had sprinted back to the car in fear when she heard a coyote howl.
The pair fell into a companionable silence as they headed back to Boston, both relieved that the traumatic day hadn't damaged their friendship.
A/N So I just realised that this story has 50 followers, I'm so excited! I hope everyone is still enjoying it! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, especially the ones who have left several reviews, it is so helpful to get feedback!