(AN: I'm so sorry about the lack of updates. My real life has been pretty busy. Well, that and I've become a lazy bastard as of late... Now I'll be updating whenever I feel like it. Anyway, enjoy!)

Chapter 21: Pumpkins.

Meg was sitting in the living room playing with baby Madeline when Zack and Peter come into the house.

"We're home," said Zack.

"Where have you guys been?" asked Meg.

"Been around town doing guy stuff," said Peter, "It's too complicated for women to understand."

Flashback

Peter and Zack are by somebody's house with a sack of crap. They light it on fire, ring the doorbell, run away giggling and hide behind a bush. Out of the house comes Bruce the performance artist.

"Oh dear! that bag's on fire," said Bruce, "I should stomp it out. I could use the hose, but then I'd just be wasting water. Now if I stomp it out, I might get something real nasty on my shoe. But if I don't, the flames will spread and we don't want that to happen, now do we? Hmmm... I think I'll just stomp it out," he said as he stomped on the bag. Sure enough, he got poo on his shoe, "Oh Noooo! Now my shoe is ruined because I fell for a prankster's trick. But this also means I get to buy new shoes. Yaaay for me! It looks like everybody wins."

Bruce then walked back into his house.

"You know, this prank isn't really funny when nobody gets mad," said Peter.

"Agreed," said Zack

End Flashback

"So what have you been doing?" asked Zack.

"Well, I taught Maddie how to fingerpaint," said Meg holding Maddie's picture, "Look what she made!"

The picture was of her family which consisted of Zack, Meg, Lois, Chris, Stewie, Brian, and Jillian.

"Wow, that's very good, honey," said Zack to Maddie, "But where's grandpa?"

"Oh, she drew dad right here," said Meg pointing to Peter on the drawing who was being carried away and eaten by a T-Rex in the distance shouting 'HELP!', "Isn't it cute? She likes dinosaurs!"

Maddie then started rubbing her paint covered hands onto her hair and face, and then giggled in a very cute manner.

"Well, it looks like our little artist needs a bath. Let's go," said Zack as he was about to carry Maddie upstairs, but spotted Jillian and Chris fingerpainting, "What the hell are you two doing?"

"Fingerpainting," said Chris, "I'm making a house!"

"I'm making a kitty," said Jillian, "Give me that pink paint, Chris."

"No way! It's mine!" said Chris.

"But you're never gonna use it!" whined Jillian, "Zaaack! Chris won't share the paint!"

"But I'm using it right now!" said Chris.

"For what?" asked Jillian.

"To... hold my drawing down," said Chris as he set the bottle of paint on his drawing, "See? You can have it when I'm done."

"But you'll NEVER be done!" whined Jillian, "GIMMIE!" she shouted as she tried to get the paint from Chris, but he kept moving it out of Jillian's reach.

"DAMMIT! IF YOU TWO DON'T SHARE, NO ONE GETS TO F#CKING FINGERPAINT!" shouted Zack as he snatched the paint from Chris.

"But she-" said Chris.

"No!" said Zack.

"But-" said Jillian.

"SHARE!" said Zack.

After a moment of silence, Chris handed Jillian the paint.

"I'm sorry, Jillian," said Chris.

"I'm sorry, Chris," said Jillian.

"Good, now if you two fight again, I'm gonna put you both in time out!" said Zack as he walked upstairs with Maddie in his arms, "Retards... Anyway, Meg. After this, do you want me to make you a TV dinner or something?"

"Okay, but PLEASE read the instructions on the back of the box," said Meg, "You know what happened last time you microwaved something without reading the instructions."

Flashback

In the kitchen Zack is about to microwave a burrito.

"Zack, it says you should take off the wrapper before putting it in the microwave," said Meg.

"Pish posh!" said Zack, "It's just a burrito. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?"

Zack then put his wrapped burrito in the microwave and as he turned it on... The microwave grew metals arms and legs, and an angry face appeared on the microwave door. The microwave had became... THE MICROWAVE MONSTER!!!

"Oh my god! It's alive!" screamed Meg as the monster crept towards them.

Zack then takes out his shot gun and after firing 5 rounds, the microwave monster is finally dead. Zack and Meg are then breating heavily after their little encounter. Peter then comes into the kitchen.

"Oh, I see you guys left the wrapper on the burrito," said Peter, "Don't worry. It happened to me the first time I tried to make a burrito."

End Flashback

A few hours later, Meg, Lois, Maddie, Stewie, and Chris were about to go to the store. Zack then comes in.

"Where are you guys going?" asked Zack.

"We're going to the store to buy pumpkins!" said Chris.

"Wait? D-did you say pumpkins?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, you know? For halloween?" said Meg, "We're going to make Jack-o-laterns."

"You want to help us pick pumpkins?" asked Lois.

"No, no! I need to stay here with Peter because... hey what's that thing you like to do around this time, Peter?" asked Zack.

"I was gonna take a shower," said Peter.

"There, that's it! I was gonna take a shower with Peter," said Zack, "Y'know, just me and Peter, and no girls and definitely no pumpkins."

"Oookaaay..." said Lois confused, "Anyway, we'll be right back."

Lois and the others then left to the supermarket.

"Geez, this is really awkward," said Peter, "Okay, you can shower with me, but no funny stuff if I drop the soap."

"I'm not showering with you, you idiot!" said Zack, "I made that up to get out of shopping."

"What? I thought you like shopping with Meg," said Peter, "Is there something wrong."

"It's, um, everything's fine. Anyway, I'm going outside," said Zack as he opened the door and walked out.

"Are you sure you're alright?" asked Peter, "Is there something you wanna talk about?"

"I told you I'm fine! Why would you think there's anything wrong, anyway?" asked Zack from outside.

"Nothing, it's just... it's just that you walked into a closet."

"..."

"..."

"SHUT UP!!!"

Later that evening in the kitchen Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Meg were carving pumpkins.

"Hey, check out my pumpkin, little dude," said Chris to Stewie, "It's a kitty!"

"A kitty?!? Why, that's not scary at all!" said Stewie, "I've just carved the scariest pumpkin known to man. More hideous than anything in any B-rated horror movie!"

"Wow let me see!" said Chris. Stewie then turned his pumpkin and to Chris is horror, he saw... Meg face! "AAAAAUGHHH!!!! TAKE IT AWAY!!! TAKE IT AWAY!!!"

"That isn't funny!" said Meg.

"What the hell's all that screaming?" said Zack annoyed as he entered the kitchen.

"Well, look who's finally come out of the closet," said Stewie, "HA! I said that you finally came out of the closet! I'm implying that you are a homosexual now. You know? Like a closet homosexual? Ah, that's rich."

"That screaming was because they saw THAT!" said Meg annoyed as she pointed to the pumpkin with her face carved onto it.

"AAAAAUGGGGHHH!!!! GET IT AWAY!!!!" screamed Zack.

"Zack, that's ME," said Meg.

"Oh, sorry. I ju- AAAAAAUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed Zack after he looked at Meg.

"Zack? Are you alright?" asked Meg as she tried to walk towards him to comfort him. He instead screamed even louder and ran out of the kitchen, "He never did that before..."

"Maybe he finally opened his eyes and saw how ugly and fat you really are," said Stewie.

"Oh my god! What if Stewie's right?" asked Meg in horror.

"What the hell's all that yelling for?" asked Peter.

"Zack screamed when he saw that?" said Lois as she pointed to the pumpkin with Meg's face on it.

"AUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!" screamed Peter, "BURN IT!!! B-"

"Peter, don't you start!" said Lois angrily.

"Zack thinks I'm ugly, now!" sobbed Meg as she buried her face into her hands.

"Now that's not true," said Peter, "Now everyone else in Quahog may think that including me, but not Zack. Unlike the rest of Quahog, Zack is very open-minded when it comes to beauty."

"You're father's right," said Lois, "You should just talk to him."

"Alright, I'll try," said Meg as she left the kitchen and went into the living room where Zack is sitting on the sofa, looking all wide eyed and scared, "Are you okay?"

"AAAAAUGHHH!!!" screamed Zack as he covered his eyes with his hand, "I can't see you! Go away!"

"Zack, is there something you need to talk about?" asked Meg.

"Of course not!" said Zack, "Oh, Meg?"

"Yes?"

"Tonight, can you wear this during sex?"

"Zack, this is a paper bag. You never needed to use one of these when we had-"

"JUST WEAR THE DAMN BAG TONIGHT!!!"

Later that night, Peter and Lois can hear Meg and Zack doing it from their room.

"You know, it feels so naughty listening to Meg and Zack make love," giggled Lois.

"And that why we're doing it!" said Peter.

"Oh Zack!" moaned Meg from the other room.

"Oh Meg!," said Zack.

"Oh Zack!"

"Oh Me- AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Oh, geez, the bag must've fallen off" said Peter.

"YOU THINK I'M UGLY!!!" cried Meg as she ran to the living room, "I'M SLEEPING ON THE COUCH!!!"

"Meg wait! Comeback, but- but don't turn around!" said Zack as he then stopped in front of Peter and Lois's door(He is in his boxers and tanktop, by the way. He's NOT naked you perverts), "What're you lookin' at?"

"You stop being such a shallow prick towards Meg!" said Lois angrily.

"Shallow?!?! I'm not being shallow!" said Zack.

"Yes, you are," said Peter, "You keep screaming everytime you see Meg's face."

"I'm just too angry with him right now! I'm gonna go comfort Meg," said Lois as she left the room.

"Just why do you think Meg's ugly all of a sudden?" asked Peter, "You know, instead of when you first met her?"

"It's not Meg's face. It's just-" Zack said before he let out a sigh, "Promise me you won't tell anyone else this."

"I don't know, Zack. I'm not really good at keeping secrets."

Flashback.

Somewhere in a snowy field, Peter comes across Mortal Kombat's Sub-Zero.

"You know, Scorpion puts on lotion before his fights with you," said Peter, "It has something to do with feeling you against his soft skin."

Sub-Zero just looks at Peter in confusion.

"HOW COULD YOU TELL HIM THAT," shouted Scorpion, "I TRUSTED YOU, PETER! NOW MY REPUTATION IS RUINED."

Scorpion then runs away crying with his face buried in his hands.

"Oh well, at least I didn't say anything about Rain being gay," said Peter.

"Dammit Peter!" shouted Rain, "I CAN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING!!!"

Rain then runs away crying.

"If you them our secret, we will kill you!" said Ermac.

"You mean about one of your souls being a child mole-"

"WHAT DID WE JUST TELL YOU?!?!"

"Okay! Shutting up."

End Flashback.

"You're the only one I can talk to right now," said Zack "Just promise me!"

"Okay, I promise," said Peter.

"Okay," said Zack as then took a deep breath, "Peter, I'm afraid of Jack-o-laterns!"

Peter then stared at Zack for about 5 seconds and bursted into laughter.

"Jack-o-laterns?!?!" asked Peter, "Hahahaha! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"It's not stupid!" said Zack, "In fact it stems from a very traumatic experience from my childho-"

"Yeah, blah blah blah blah blah!" said Peter as he moved his hand like a mouth, "But, where does Meg fit into this?"

"Now everytime I see Meg, I see that creepy looking Jack-o-latern," said Zack, "It sucks because I love her, and I don't want to see a freaking pumpkin everytime we have sex."

"Don't you worry, Zack," said Peter, "Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna try to cure you."

"Thanks Peter," said Zack as he turned around to leave.

"Oh, and Zack?"

"Yeah, Peter?" said Zack as he turned around.

"OOGA BOOGA!!!" shouted Peter wearing a jack-o-latern mask.

"AAAAAAAAUGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" screamed Zack as he ran away.

The next day, Peter and Zack go out to a pumpking patch to help cure Zack of his fears.

"What are we doing here in a pumpkin patch?" asked Zack.

"This is the first step to curing you," said Peter.

"But I'm afraid of Jack-o-laterns, not pumpkins."

"No, no, were taking this one step at a time. You see, pumpkins are just faceless Jack-o-laterns. If you learn to like pumpkins, it'll make it easier for you to face your fear."

"I... I guess that makes sense."

"Alright, I want you to take this pumpkin," said Peter as he handed Zack an pumpkin, "Hold it! Feel it! Caress it! Love it!"

"But Peter, it's just a pum-"

"LOVE IT!!!!"

"Okay! Okay!" said Zack as he began to stroke the pumpkin and then stopped, "Oh this is stupid!!!"

"No, keep going," said Peter, "You're doing this for Meg, remember? Now make out with the pumpkin."

Zack then sighed heavily and began to kiss the pumpkin passionately.

"HEY!!!" shouted the pumplin farmer, "WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' MOLESTIN' ONE OF MY PUMPKINS"

Peter and Zack then ran off the pumpkin with the pumpkin at hand. Meanwhile at the Rhinoplasty, Meg is ready about ready to pay for plastic surgery.

"Meg you can't go through with this," pleaded Lois.

"I have to," said Meg, "If Zack doesn't find me attractive anymore, I need this plastic surgery."

"But there are plenty of other men in the world who would like you for who you are."

"Name one," said Meg.

"Well, there's... um... what about?... um... uhhh, ohhhh..." said Lois in defeat, "Give her a nice boob job," she said to one of the plastic surgeons.

Back at the house, Peter was coming into the living room to check on Zack.

"Let's see how you and the pumpkin are getting alo- OH MY GOD!!!" screamed Peter as he saw the whole living room was covered in smashed pumpkin and pumpkin guts, "What the hell happened?!?!"

"Oh, I caught the pumpkin cheating on me with a watermelon," said Zack, "It had to be done."

"Whoa! Just... whoa! You don't plan on doing this Meg if she cheats on you, do you?"

"It was a damn pumpkin not a human being. Of course not!"

Just then, Lois comes home through the door.

"Alright, we're home," said Lois.

"Hey, where's Meg?" asked Zack.

"Right here!" said Meg as she stepped inside. She was wearing a halter top with a mini skirt and had long blonde hair, firm full lips, large breasts, and wore lots of make-up on her face.

"My god, Meg," said Zack in astonishment, "You look... like a whore! I mean, just look at you!"

"UUUUGHH!!!! I GIVE UP!!!" shouted Meg, "Why do I even bother?!?!? When I look normal, I'm ugly! When I get surgery, I'm a whore! How the hell am I supposed to please you?!?!"

"Meg listen. There's something I need to tell you," said Zack, "I didn't think you were ugly. I'm... I'm scared of Jack-o-lanterns."

"What?" she asked.

"I got so freaked out by that pumpkin that looked like you, that I kept seeing it everytime I saw you," said Zack, "I didn't want to tell you because it made me seem like a wuss."

"Zack, it's okay," said Meg, "It's normal to be afraid of things. It doesn't make you any less of a man."

"Of course not," said Peter, "Now being neutered. THAT makes you less of a man."

"You know, I feel so much better now that I've talked about it," said Zack.

"Yeah, but what I'm I going to do about this?" asked Meg about he new look.

"Hold on a sec," said as he flicked Meg in the forehead. She then instantly became her old self again. Yes even her clothes came back.

"Whoa! That was amazing," said Meg, "But... you forgot my boobs."

"No I didn't! You... you always had those," lied Zack.

"No I didn't," said Meg.

"Well... can we at least pretend, tonight?"

"I guess we can," said Meg as she and Zack kissed.

"Zack, you just kissed Meg without freaking out!" said Lois.

"You're right!" said Zack, "Do you know what this means?"

"You're gay?" asked Peter.

"No, it means I'm cured of my fear!" said Zack.

"Oh, yeah that thing," said Peter.

"Hey, does anybody know what happened to that pumpkin with my face on it?" asked Meg.

"I don't know," said Lois, "It was outside a minute ago..."

Meanwhile at Quagmire's house, He's in bed with the Meg pumpkin.

"Wow, you give fine head, Meg," said Quagmire, "The Jack-o-lantern has just become the Jackoff-o-lantern! OH!!! Giggity, giggity, giggity giggity!!!"

End Chapter.