Summary: A continuation to New Year's Eve at the Toya's. Hikaru and Akira begin their relationship, running into both foreseen and unexpected hardships along the way. Will they be able to maintain their love for each other in the wake of adversity?
Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go is written by Yumi Hotta and the animated series was created by Studio Pierrot. Please do not construe the writing of this fanfiction as a claim to ownership in any way.
A New Year, A New Life
16 – The Truth
It was pouring rain outside. Akira hadn't wanted there to be music at the housewarming party, but Hikaru thought that it would have been better than listening to the rattling windows and thunder. It was a fun party even with so few guests—only Waya, Isumi, and Hikaru's mother and father had come. They entertained themselves by playing GO, cards and snacking on treats that Akira and Mrs. Shindo had prepared. Though everything was going well as far as Hikaru was concerned, Akira seemed distant throughout the night.
It got to the point where they were supposed to start dinner, but Akira kept stalling. He continuously glanced at his watch and sighed, fiddled with the hair by his ears and played with his cuffs. Mrs. Shindo offered to serve, but Akira asked her not to. Akira's nervousness and Hikaru's hunger were getting to Hikaru in a way that made it hard for him not to show it. About thirty minutes later, the bell rang. Akira got up from his perch so quickly he almost toppled over.
"I'll…I'll be right back." Hikaru had instinctually reached for him, and he and Sai exchanged glances as he left their side. Sai had developed a habit of sitting uncomfortably close to them, so that there was always some part of him touching the both of them. Hikaru wanted to nudge him, but he reminded himself that they were in front of people who couldn't see Sai. He normally didn't mind it when Sai was close to him, but when Akira was around and Sai was nearly between them, it made it very awkward to try to get fresh with Akira. Hikaru had the feeling that Sai did it on purpose. He "glared" at him.
Why are you so close, tonight, Sai?
Why not? I always sit with you.
Yeah, but you're in the way. Sai pretended to bop him with his closed fan.
Don't pout. Sit up straight. Toya's mom is coming.
God, you're a bigger nag than… Hikaru realized what he'd just heard. Akira said that he thought his mother wouldn't accept the invitation. Had she changed her mind? Wait, what?!
What? Sai asked, confused.
Are you for real? How do you know she's coming?
Toya… Well…I could sort of read it from him. Hikaru was still unsettled by Sai's newfound psychic abilities. He scooted away from him a little.
"Don't go on reading me…" he said out loud, looking disgusted. Sai gave him a frank look.
Like if I had a choice, I'd want to be host to the emotions of an 18-year-old hormone ridden boy, he retorted. Hikaru was a little shocked.
"It's not that bad…" he said.
You think about Toya about 95% of the time you're awake. You used to think about GO so much more. Sai pouted sadly. It is bad.
"Tsk."
"Shindo, what?" Waya asked, watching him curiously. "You aren't even playing a game and you're still talking to yourself."
"Shut up, Waya," Hikaru said, folding his arms. "Everybody's teasing me tonight."
"You're an easy target," Isumi said with a soft chuckle. It caused his mother to laugh a little.
"Ma-a," Hikaru whined. "It's not funny."
"It's true though, sweetie, you can sometimes be an easy target. You're always mumbling about something up there, all by your lonesome."
"I've never known the game of GO to be so noisy," his father said, pretending to think hard about it, "and messy."
"Yeah, that's Shindo," Waya said. He lightly punched his arm. Hikaru shrugged.
"Whatever," he said. "Like you guys would have me any other way."
"It's true," his mother, Isumi and Sai said altogether. It made him smirk. He looked at Sai.
Your having to deal with my hormones is payback for making me look crazy, he said. Sai chuckled.
I'm not taking responsibility for that, he said, shaking his head slightly. He glanced at the door. I wonder what's keeping them…
They're probably taking some time to talk without anybody being able to hear what they have to say. They'll be up. Sai nodded. He got up and went over to the board where Isumi and Waya were playing. Hikaru decided to get dinner ready, his grumbling stomach unable to wait any longer.
Meanwhile, Akira left the apartment to get down to the first floor. His nerves were reaching a fevered pitch. His mother told him that though she had plans that she couldn't break for the first part of the evening, she would stop by as soon as she could. He couldn't think of anyone else who could be at the door, but he'd had such a horrible, nagging feeling that she wouldn't come. That she would let Toya Koyo influence her, and turn her back to him.
His armpits started to itch uncomfortably as he rode the elevator. He tried to stop biting his lip, but found that if he didn't, his teeth would clench together painfully. He really wanted to be presentable when they met each other; it felt as though it had been forever since he'd last seen her. When the elevator opened, he quickly stepped out into the lobby. His mother was standing in the lobby looking toward him eagerly. She had an umbrella, but she was still considerably damp from her trip. Standing there alone, clutching her purse and umbrella, she seemed so small and vulnerable. Akira had a parental urge come over him to usher her up into the apartment to rest and to eat, where she would be safe and protected from any harm.
As he rushed over to her and they embraced, he realized that it was wrong to think of the instinct to protect a loved one as parental. He cared for her as his mother; as a son was supposed to care for the person who brought him into the world. He felt tears come to his eyes. It was so painful. She held him so tightly, but still, her body began to shake. He realized that he, too, was shaking and they stood and cried into each other's shoulders for a long while.
Suddenly, the door buzzed and someone gained entry to the lobby. They pulled away from one another and looked over to a tall man, who stalked past them straight to the elevator, completely soaked to the bone. They regarded each other again and Akira smiled at her.
"Hey," he said. "Um…I'm so glad you're here."
"You're my son…" Akiko said. "I wouldn't…want to be anywhere else…" She cupped his cheeks in her hands and wiped his tears away. "Don't cry…" she whispered. "I love you."
"Mother…" Akira sobbed. "I'm so happy." Akiko kissed him on the side of the mouth and hugged him again. She pulled away and patted his shoulders.
"So…" she said, smiling back at him. "Let's see your place." Akira nodded and walked with her to the elevator. He pressed for the fifth floor and then began to try to compose himself. When it stopped, he waited for her to walk out first and then led her to the door. He went to reach for his keys when he realized that he didn't have them. He then went to knock when he realized that they had decided not to lock the door until the party was over just in case. He gave his mother a nervous smile as he opened the door. He motioned for her to enter first and she did.
Hikaru turned to the door as he heard it open. Akiko walked in looking as though the storm had made quick work of her. He sat the pot on the stove and removed the potholders hurriedly so that he could greet them. Everyone rose from their spots on the floor. Akiko bowed somewhat meekly at them after smoothing her hair and wiping her face.
"Good evening," she said. Mrs. Shindo went to her side and hooked arms with her. "I'm so glad that you could make it," she said, smiling friendlily. "It's nice to see you again, Toya-san."
"You as well, Shindo-san."
"Mother, you remember Waya and Isumi. And this gentleman here is Hikaru's father."
"It's very nice to meet you," Akiko said as she exchanged slight bows with Hikaru's father. Isumi stepped forward.
"Would you like me to take your coat?" he asked.
"I've got it, thank you, Isumi," Akira said. He helped his mother from her coat and took it along with the umbrella to the closet. Mrs. Shindo took Akiko with her tableside and began to talk to her to break the ice. Meanwhile, Hikaru retrieved a hand towel for her to dry off with, as well as hot towels for everyone to use before dinner. Akira hovered by him as if he was afraid to be too far away from him. He looked nervous; his face was covered in a light sheen of sweat.
"Are you sure you don't want me to serve?" he asked.
"You can't trust it to me?" Hikaru asked, slightly offended.
"No, I can…" Akira said. "Just…would you please…serve her first?"
"Yeah, anything." Akira tented his fingers together and nodded. He looked over to the table and began chewing on his bottom lip.
"They're getting along," he whispered. "Thank goodness."
"Why wouldn't they be?" Hikaru asked. He began plating rice and curry, trying to evenly space the two on each plate. Akira turned to him.
"Which one is for mother?" he asked. "Can I bring that one over?" Hikaru raised at eyebrow at him. What was he freaking out about? He glanced at the table and then nodded his head towards it.
"Go sit next to her," he said. Akira shook his head very slightly.
"But—"
"Just go. I'll make sure she gets her plate first, all right?" Akira swallowed hard and hesitated before going over to the table. He sat down stiffly, and smiled at his mother when she noticed him.
"It smells great," Akiko said. "I purposely ate very little earlier in…anticipation to this."
"It…It… I hope you enjoy it." Hikaru took a few trips, serving Akiko, then his mother, then his father, Waya and Isumi. He finally brought his and Akira's plates over. He settled himself across from Akira and next to his father. Waya and Isumi sat at either end of the table, pausing their game to eat.
Everyone said their dinner greeting and then started to eat. Hikaru scarfed his down as though he hadn't eaten all day, because it was how he felt. Akira gave him a disapproving look, but it faded into a shy smile when Hikaru gave him a full-on grin. Akira turned his attention to his mother; she and Mrs. Shindo were both complimenting the meal.
"If only my Hikaru could cook this well… Oh, well. I guess it's a good thing that I leave you some food sometimes. I would worry that you're only eating those awful noodle cups."
"I…I always tried to…instill good practices in Akira," Akiko said. "You…never know what situation you'll find yourself in, so…if you end up having to fend for yourself, you have to know these things…" Mrs. Shindo nodded.
"Akira's a good, attentive child. Hikaru can't handle even boiling water without hurting himself or dropping something, or saying something naughty." Mr. Shindo nodded.
"It's always a major production," he said. "Best to just order in some nights."
"I want someone to say something nice about me," Hikaru said, lowering his empty plate.
"You want seconds, don't you?" Akira said. "Well, at least you have a healthy appetite." Hikaru gave him a comically fake smile.
"Thanks," he said flatly. It made Akira chuckle.
"I'll grab some for you." Akiko watched their exchange, and though there wasn't much of a change to her outward appearance, Hikaru could tell that something somewhere had made her uncomfortable.
"That's okay. You stay put. I'll be right back." Hikaru returned shortly with a big plate, annoyed when Isumi and Waya asked for seconds, sending him back to the kitchen. Sai kept close to Akira and his mother. He looked very interested in them. Once Hikaru settled back in front of his plate, he paused instead of starting to eat.
Sai?
Hm? Sai looked over to him as though he'd forgotten that he was there. Hikaru gave him a blank look.
You like Toya more than me, don't you? he asked, coming to realize that that was the most logical explanation. Sai gave him a bewildered look.
Don't be silly, he said.
Then how come you always cling to him whenever he's home?
Well, I don't know… Sai said. It's nice to have company…someone else who knows about me. And…his thoughts are less…
Less what? Slutty? Sai looked like he didn't want to say it. He turned his attention back to mother and son. Hikaru shook his head and went back to stuffing his face.
Things were moving along nicely. His mother had loosened up and was enjoying her cup of coffee with scones with the Shindos. Hikaru, Waya and Isumi had moved on to playing cards again. Akira remained near his mother, not wanting to be too far from her. He, too, was nursing the decaffeinated dark roast, though he had declined eating anything else. What he really wanted was to cuddle with Hikaru. They had refrained from showing each other any type of affection that their parents might have been made uncomfortable by.
Being able to have Hikaru at his disposal in their home was the best thing about their new life. Perhaps Akira had spoiled himself by indulging his needs as far as Hikaru felt comfortable with, which to his surprise hadn't included anything further than petting. It was hard to keep from reaching over to move stray strands of hair from his eyes, or to gently touch his cheek. To move closer to him so that he could feel his body warmth. To hold his hand. Anything. Instead, he had to settle for talking to him through expressions and subtle gestures.
As Hikaru started to clear the table, Akira thought it wouldn't hurt to help him out. He placed his hands on the floor to lift himself up, seizing when he heard a loud 'pop' noise come from outside. His knees banged the table, and he excused himself in confusion. He wasn't quite sure what had happened. Everyone turned their attention to him, Hikaru setting down the cups he was holding to put a hand on his shoulder.
"You okay?" he asked.
The look in Akira's eyes was slightly bewildered. Hikaru felt uneasy even as Akira tried to assure him and their mothers that he was fine.
"You scared me," Akiko said. "Are you sure that didn't hurt?"
"I'm fine, mother, thanks." Hikaru sat down next to him, thinking it best, if Akira was still jumpy, that he wait until everyone left to clean up. He watched as Isumi brought everyone's coats from the closet in his place. Akira was breathing hard and he was starting perspire. Worried, Hikaru decided that they had waited long enough. Their parents weren't paying them attention anymore. Hikaru let his hand settle over Akira's.
Akira gave him a look that said thank you. It was hard to keep from leaning over to kiss him, but Hikaru stayed grounded. Again, a loud 'pop' sounded again; louder this time, sounding like a car backfiring. Hikaru immediately reached for Akira just in case he became scared again. He never expected Akira to shriek as though someone had suddenly struck him, and to cower to the floor curled into a taut ball, rocking back and forth, crying out for someone to save him.
"Akira!" Hikaru cried out.
"Please, stop!" Akira gasped. "Please, don't shoot. Please!"
"What happened?" Mrs. Shindo asked. Hikaru held Akira by the shoulders and tried to get Akira to look at him.
"Akira…" Akiko gasped. She sunk down next to them and moved Akira's hair from his face.
"Please…help me…" Akira wailed. Hikaru's heart felt like it was breaking in two. He had no idea what to do. He wasn't sure what Akira was going through and he wasn't responding to anyone's questions about what was wrong. Hikaru pulled him up into his arms, holding him tightly.
"Akira, Angel Hair, it's okay," he whispered to him. Akira was shaking fiercely; it was hard to keep hold of him.
"Please don't kill me," he pleaded. "Please."
"Akira, you're safe," Hikaru urged. "You're here with your friends and family, Akira, you're safe."
"I don't want to die…" Hikaru shook his head, speechless. What could possibly have caused Akira to react that way? To say those types of things? He felt helpless that he couldn't make it better. He closed his eyes against his tears, but they fell down his cheeks in uncontrollable, hot streams. "Please, help me."
"It's okay, Akira. Look at me. It's Hikaru, Akira. You're home, you're safe. We love you. I'm here." Akira's cries began to quiet, but he was still not saying anything other than asking for help.
"Should I call an ambulance?" Hikaru heard his father ask.
"He…he does this when he has terrors or bad nightmares," Akiko said, her voice wavering. "But…I've never seen him react like this while he's still awake. And not since he was a child. No… I've never seen it like this. Akira, sweetie, talk to me, what's wrong?" There was still no reply. Akira's arms suddenly weakened and slacked against Hikaru's hold. He opened his eyes; they were wide and bewildered again. He was making a God-awful whining nose that made Hikaru cry harder. What could he do? How could he make it better?
Hikaru? Hikaru looked to Sai slowly. He was settled slightly behind him, a grave look on his face. Hikaru, I think you should take him to the bathroom he said.
What?
Just trust me. Ask him if he wants to take a bubble bath.
Sai, what the hell are you—?
Trust me Sai insisted. Ask him. Hikaru looked down at Akira and tilted his head so that he looked at him.
"Akira, Angel Hair…?" Akira's face was tear-streaked. His cheeks were trembling and it looked as though he was having trouble breathing. Hikaru stroked his hair. "Akira, do you want to take a bubble bath? Would that make you feel better?" Akira stopped moving. His eyes trailed around the room before settling back on Hikaru's.
"Hikaru…?" he murmured.
"How do you feel?" Hikaru asked gently.
"Hikaru…"
"Do you want that? Would that…help?" Hikaru asked, glad that he was able to get Akira to come back to them.
"Bath…" Akira murmured. His mother moved closer to them. She moved his hair from his forehead and kissed it.
"Kii-chan…" she whispered. "Mama's here."
"Mom…" Akiko wiped her own tears away as she began to sing to him very softly.
"Tears may flow, tears may fall, the pain will tumble one and all…the night will end, the day will light, the sun will shine so big and bright…"
"Mama…" Akira looked at her, and everything in the room fell quiet. Hikaru lowered his head so that their foreheads met.
"I love you…" he said. "Please be okay…"
"I'm okay…" Akira said. "Hikaru, it's okay." Hikaru helped him to sit up as he tried. Akira wiped his face and hid his mouth behind his hand. "I'm so sorry… I don't know…what…"
"Don't apologize," Hikaru's father said.
"We just need you to tell us what happened," Mrs. Shindo said.
"I…I don't know…" Akira said.
"It was the car," Isumi said, hovering over them. "You reacted both times it backfired."
"It must have reminded him of…" Akiko paused to try to recover from another onset of tears. "Akira, sweetie, are you sure you'll be all right?" Akira nodded.
"Yes… I'll be fine…" Akiko reached to hug him. She squeezed him so tight, Akira winced. "Thank you, mom…" he said.
Hikaru helped Akira up from the floor. Akira felt so completely done in, he didn't have the energy to stand. He wavered and Hikaru kept him steady.
"I'll take him to sit down," Hikaru said. Akiko nodded. She hugged him again and kissed his cheek.
"Will you call me in the morning?" she asked.
"Yes," Akira said with a nod.
"Anytime, okay?"
"Thank you, mom." Akira let Hikaru take him into the bedroom. He sat on the bed and rested his hands on his thighs.
"We have to talk," Hikaru said sternly. "I'll let everyone out, but…we have to talk. Okay?" Akira looked up at him, feeling ashamed. Hikaru leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
"I'll be right back." Akira nodded and watched him leave. He didn't know why it pained him to see him go.
In the room alone, he began to feel embarrassed about what had transpired. It had been such a nice evening. Why did it have to be ruined? Why did he become so afraid that he temporarily lost himself? What had he said? What had he done? He couldn't remember everything.
Needing support, he reached over and took Hikaru's pillow from the bed. What he really wanted was for Hikaru to return to him, for them to lie down together not on the western-style bed that Hikaru had purchased, but instead on the comfort and familiarity of the futon. He wanted to lose himself in thoughts of Hikaru. He wanted to think of nothing other than him. If he woke during the night, he wanted Hikaru to be right there; to be able to hold him and hear his heartbeat. To feel his warmth. It was agony waiting for him to come back.
He heard the door creak open and he faced it eagerly. Hikaru looked miserable and Akira couldn't blame him. Hikaru closed the door and sank against it. They watched each other for a short while. Akira felt as though he couldn't bear another second apart from him. He needed his support so badly.
"Will you hold me…?" he asked, his voice small. Hikaru kept eye contact with him. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He pressed his back flat against the wall and took a deep breath.
"Akira…"
"Hikaru, could you please come closer…?"
"I just want you to be honest with me," Hikaru said. He shook his head, and his lips started trembling.
"Please, come to me…" Hikaru lifted away from the door and hurried into his arms. It felt so wonderful. It felt so right. Akira never wanted to let go. "Hikaru…"
"What happened to you?" Akira closed his eyes against the truth. He shook his head, denying. Unable to speak. "Akira, talk to me."
"Hikaru… Can't we just…?"
"However hard it is for you, Akira, you have to be honest with me."
"Just hold me."
"Talk to me. Tell me what happened."
"I got…hit by…"
"Don't lie to me!" Hikaru tugged away from him and held him by the shoulders. Akira pleaded with him with his eyes to stop. He couldn't say it, he didn't want to relive it. Why couldn't he just let it go? "Be honest with me. Confide in me. You can talk to me." Hikaru's voice broke and he took a moment to compose himself. "The police…the police said that…there was evidence of an assault," he said. "Your dad…the way he acted… The things you guys said to each other. The things you said to me after… And Sai… Sai won't be honest with me, either. Tonight…you said…you said, don't shoot."
"Hikaru, please."
"Akira…"
"I…don't…I can't, okay…"
"You can't trust me?" Hikaru asked. He was heartbroken "You can't talk to me. You can't be honest with me. Someone tried to take you from me… I…I couldn't… I'm powerless. I couldn't help you then, and I can't help you now. I love you so much… I just need you to know that I love you more than life itself. I would do anything for you. I would give my everything…"
"I want to forget it," Akira said. "I never want to think of it again. It never happened."
"It did," Hikaru said. "Look at you. Akira. You're in so much pain. I can't see you like this. It hurts so much."
"Hikaru…please… I don't want you to hurt."
"Trust in me. Let me help you. You can burden me, I want you to burden me. I don't want you to have terrors. I want you to be happy. Just say it. Get it off your chest. Get it out of your mind. Let me help you."
"I…I…I…" Akira shook his head. "I was targeted," he said. "These men…they… I don't know how they knew, but…they knew about me. They…said such horrible things… They…tried to kill me… They…defaced me…and…dehumanized me… They…"
"Akira…" Hikaru broke down. He pulled Akira into his arms and they sobbed without speaking for a long while. Eventually, Akira pulled away from him and moved Hikaru's bangs from his eyes as he cupped his face.
"Please don't think that I can't trust you. Hikaru…I…I lived through it…and…I'm stronger… I'm stronger because I have you… And…I won't ever let go… I'll always be here for you… I'll love you…forever."
Hikaru felt as though those words should have been coming out of his mouth. Akira wanted to be strong. He wanted to show Hikaru that he could persevere and stay true to him. But Hikaru needed him to know that they were in a partnership. Their lives now belonged to one another in the way that one couldn't function if the other was hurting. They had to work together to make peace with the situation. They had to confide their feelings to one another and they needed to do it at that moment.
He obliged Akira in settling down on the guest futon in the small, bare space left on the floor in their room. They had both calmed down enough that they were resting quietly. There were many things going through Hikaru's head, but he tried not to disturb Akira. He had opened up his mind and his heart to him and though Hikaru did not have all the answers, he could at least cradle Akira and shoulder his worry and his hurt.
He allowed Akira to cuddle up next to him and rest his head on his shoulder. Hikaru could feel that Sai was near them again; he often left them alone until morning, but Hikaru could understand why he was hesitant to go that night. He had been holding the truth in as well. It was small wonder why he attached himself to Akira and to be honest, Hikaru wanted him there.
Sai?
Yes?
What is he thinking? Sai shifted and didn't speak for awhile.
He's wondering things about you. He's…wishing he didn't have to tell you. He's worried his mother will find out, the same as you were able to find out. He doesn't want anyone to know.
But why? Thinking about something like that…going through it alone…
He thinks about it everyday. I wish there was something that we could do for him…but…Hikaru? I think that…time will help to heal it better than…pressuring him into…
I…I get it… Hikaru said. But…I think that sharing it with someone helps, too.
Give him some time, Sai said. Let him overcome it at his own pace. He's strong. He can persevere. Hikaru tugged Akira gently by the shoulders, kissing him on his bangs. Akira made a small noise of appreciation. He shifted to become comfortable. Hikaru had a hard time getting to sleep that night, but he decided that Sai was right. Akira survived because he was strong, like a rock. A pillar. But even the most unmovable structure tended to weaken beyond control. Akira deserved to be able to enjoy his life as he pleased even more so now, after having been through something so unnamable, but the fact remained that Hikaru would always be there to catch him should he fall. He would follow him to the ends of the earth, no matter where. No matter what it took.