A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."
Back with another long chapter. Honestly, this one probably should've been split into two but it all takes place over one night and I wanted that to stay together instead of being broken up. So here we have week four of the competition, in which Kendall has a breakdown haha. But it's been a long time coming.
Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think. :)
The dance instructor was less help than Carlos and Logan. Gustavo raged while they spent half a day on his moves, then dismissed the man in fury before taking all of that out on Kendall.
He'd just have to wing it on Monday.
The good news was that he had the songs themselves down pat, and by the time he walked onto the stage Monday for sound check, his mood was buoyant. Yes, James was still at the back of his mind (especially considering he was walking around somewhere in the same building), but Kendall was determined to win this—for Logan, if nothing else.
And for yourself, a voice in his head whispered. Your time is now.
It was thoughts like that that got him through the first performance, where they'd thankfully cut the sax solo in half but even if they hadn't, he would've survived it with grace. Logan's face from the front row wasn't distracting this time, instead the encouragement and motivation he needed to get him through.
He'd stayed inside his dressing room during James' first song, knowing that to run into him would only derail his confidence and determination to win. Kendall spotted Lucy at the side of the stage during his own second performance, noting that James was nowhere near and wondering for a moment where he was before deciding he didn't need to know. James couldn't be his concern tonight. All that mattered was winning.
For the first time, he asked Gustavo if he could be permitted to leave early. James had done so the previous week, why couldn't he? Though Kelly warned him that it might look bad, Gustavo waved a hand in annoyed dismissal. "You did alright tonight, get out of my face."
Kendall didn't give the man a chance to change his mind. He texted Logan to meet him at the dressing room hallway and was ready when his friend arrived.
"We're leaving?" Logan frowned. "James hasn't even done his second song yet."
"That's why we're leaving. You want me to win, I can't be around him."
"There's still another duet, isn't there?"
"Next week. By then I'll be over this. Right now it's just hard. I miss him and the worst thing I can do is see him when I'm like this. We have to—"
A door further down the hall opened, Kendall falling silent when James stepped out. Kendall almost choked when they were caught in his gaze. James was wearing some kind of shimmery black shirt and leather pants that were just tight enough to accentuate his ass, hair swept back from his face and eyes glowing from liner and shadow that made them stand out. The eyes turned to steel upon meeting his own, but then Lucy was pulling James along before glancing back at both of them still standing together. She made mocking kissy gestures with her lips until they'd turned the corner.
"Why is she so mean?" Logan wanted to know.
"Why is he the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life?" was Kendall's question. He was tingling from head to toe, alive and aching. "Get me out of here. Now."
Logan got him to a side exit, the cold outside helping to calm him down. All he cared about was getting as far away from James as he could.
Carlos was waiting with both popcorn and drinks, greeting Logan with a long kiss before turning to Kendall and guessing, "You saw James."
"I can't stop thinking about him," he admitted. "He was so hot. In make-up even, since when do I find that hot?"
"He did look pretty good," Logan agreed. "How long before the show starts?"
"About forty-five minutes, so we've got some time to kill. I've got pizza too, if you guys are hungry."
"I am," Logan nodded, "but not for food. Kendall's still turned on and it's not going away. We're gonna help him with that."
"Oh, we are?" Carlos grinned, knowing it was just as much for Logan's pleasure as for Kendall's.
"We are?" Kendall echoed, eyes wide.
"Yes. Carlos, go for it."
Before Kendall could get more than two words of protest out he was being dragged down to meet Carlos' mouth, his denial quickly fading away because Logan had been right—he was turned on. The kiss made him hungrier so that it was he who pressed Carlos up against the back of the sofa to get deeper into his mouth. Carlos spread his legs to pull Kendall's body closer, Kendall groaning from the friction.
"See?" He could hear the smile in Logan's voice behind him. "You'll feel much better after this, I promise. You're just too wound up all the time because you never have a release for it."
Kendall broke the kiss to defend himself. "I get off sometimes. Just not..." When Carlos' lips found his neck, he gasped and gave up talking.
"Not with anyone else. Trust me, it makes a difference."
The words came from closer this time, Kendall realizing just before a second set of lips touched his neck that Logan had moved in behind him. "Oh god," he panted. Hands traveled up his back under the shirt he'd worn home, sending him into a mass of shivers. "Okay, you win. It's better this way."
"I'm always right," Logan whispered straight into his ear, then snaked a hand around to squeeze him until he cried out. "You need this."
There was no more argument. At a silent command from Logan, Carlos went to work on Kendall's pants and boxers until he was free. "How far are we taking this?" Carlos asked.
"As far as we need to. Don't stop unless I tell you to."
That was all the instruction Logan gave, Kendall able to see even through his fogged mind that Carlos was just as turned on by the way Logan took charge as Kendall was by the touch of a hand wrapped around him. Some would say they were freaks, Kendall supposed, but it worked for them and right now it was working for Kendall, too.
His head fell back onto Logan's shoulder as waves of pleasure spread through him with each slow stroke of Carlos' hand. "You okay?" Logan asked gently, and Kendall loved that even through all of this, Logan wanted to make sure of that.
"Yeah," Kendall gasped, not questioning the urge to turn his face and kiss Logan. He needed an outlet for the pleasure and Logan provided that, taking in what he had to let out or scream. It wasn't going to take long, Kendall knew that, and was too wrapped up in sensation to be embarrassed by it; he just needed release.
Carlos eased himself down between Kendall and the sofa, falling to his knees to take Kendall into his mouth. Kendall's groans turned to soft whimpers, Logan dragging his lips from Kendall's to watch hungrily. "Carlos," Kendall whispered, wanting to warn him that it would be very soon, but Carlos only took that as invitation and worked harder to bring Kendall to the edge. When Kendall came it felt like a white light exploding in his brain, stronger than any orgasm he'd ever experienced, yet one thing remained the same as always: it was James he saw in that final moment when rational thought ceased to exist and pure animal instinct took over. He let out a long cry that faded away only when the pleasure did, panting and working desperately to keep James' name from spilling from his lips.
Soft kisses from Logan helped bring him down until he could breathe normally again. When Carlos stood it was him that Kendall kissed, body still trembling from the experience. "Thank you," he managed shakily.
"You're welcome," Carlos smiled. "You good?"
"So good."
Logan hugged him from behind, kissing his neck once. "Was I right? Is this something you'd be content to do and never look elsewhere as long as you had us?"
"Maybe," Kendall admitted. Remembering the way James had rushed up into his mind at the moment of orgasm, he added, "Maybe not. But it would definitely do for awhile."
Carlos chuckled. "No complaints from me. Babe, you're so hot when you order me around like that."
"Think so?" Logan smirked. "Bedroom. Now."
Carlos' need for that struggled with his next words. "But the show..."
"It won't take long. Go. Be ready for me."
Kendall watched Carlos follow orders without hesitation. "Damn," he whispered. "It's like you're a different person when sex is involved."
"In a bad way?" Logan fretted, his lack of confidence coming to the surface suddenly as if a switch had been thrown.
"No, I don't think so. Carlos doesn't either, which is what matters. You two really are perfect for each other."
"I like to think so." Logan bit his lip on a smile, a blush staining his cheeks. "You're cool with what just happened, right? I didn't mean to force you or anything, I just know you really needed—"
"It's fine," Kendall promised. "If I didn't want it, I would've stopped it."
"That's why I gave you a chance to. Do you uh...want to join us in there? Or even just watch?"
Kendall considered it briefly before shaking his head. "Honestly I'd really love a shower. I'm physically drained after that and the whole emotional rollercoaster of James, and..." Without warning, he choked up. "I miss him so much. I know it's dumb, we were eight years old, but I miss what he was in my life."
"I know," Logan said sympathetically. "You're exhausted and it's all hitting you right now, that happens after sex sometimes. It's actually a thing, some people cry after good sex."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It's a release, everything just comes flooding out like the dam broke. Go take a shower and let it go, okay? We'll meet you back here in about twenty, you can borrow some of Carlos' clothes if you need to."
"A shirt would be great."
"You got it. Let me know if you need anything else."
"Like I'm gonna interrupt that?" Kendall chuckled.
"Feel free to come in, I wasn't kidding about that. You've got to be curious."
"I am, but...the truth is that even during sex I think of James. It's actually worse then. So I'm just gonna go take my shower and cry it out before I have to watch his perfect ass move around that stage."
"We can skip him if you want. The first song he did isn't what you need to be watching right now."
"No. I need to know what I'm up against for next week."
"Okay." Logan stepped forward to kiss him gently. "See you in a bit."
"Thanks."
It wasn't until he was alone that Kendall realized his pants were still around his ankles. He laughed at himself and then slipped into the bathroom, where the memories from childhood once again crowded in to assault him.
Kendall had already found the pizza by the time Logan and Carlos emerged from the bedroom. He was lounging in front of the television in jeans and nothing else other than his shoes, the box open on the coffee table. "I helped myself," he said apologetically. "Didn't think you'd mind."
"It's fine," Carlos grinned. His hair was tousled and his eyes bright as he brought Kendall out a fresh can of soda along with a clean t-shirt.
"Thanks."
It was Logan who went to the kitchen to dig for plates and napkins before taking the chair. "Feel better after a shower?"
"Yeah," Kendall nodded. He plopped his half-eaten pizza slice on the plate Logan held out, then wiped his mouth before tugging the shirt over his head. "Feel better after sex?" he smirked.
"Always," Carlos laughed. He dropped down onto the sofa next to Kendall, making sure to use the coaster Logan shoved at him. "You ready to watch yourself? Logan said you kicked ass tonight."
"Those were not the words I used," Logan protested with an eye roll. "But yes, Kendall, you really came alive. Especially on that second song. I even remember you singing those words, 'I'm coming alive.' It showed."
"I felt that," Kendall admitted. "I just focused on me and my future and...honestly, on you. Because you gave me a reason to stay. Not like that, Carlos," he clarified in a hurry.
"Dude, I get it. Logan's amazing and I'm glad you found a friend. He needed one, too. So if that's what it takes to make you want to stay, I'm all for it."
Kendall smiled. "You're part of it, too, though. I hope you know that. I consider you a friend."
"I should hope so after I blew you," Carlos winked, making Logan laugh and Kendall blush. "Seriously, though, I'm glad you came here. You gave me what I wanted most. The love of my life."
Logan's gaze seemed to melt as the lovesick smile appeared. "I love you, too. Now let's watch this before I decide to drag you back to the bedroom."
Kendall had gone first for the intro interview with the host, who he'd resented ever since the man twisted his words about James. He'd made a point to keep those feelings hidden, though, as he laughed with the man and discussed how it had felt to lose the week before.
"Wow, thanks for bringing that up," Carlos complained. "I'd probably punch him if he kept harping on that."
"It's his job," Kendall shrugged. "I think he's hoping to get a rise out of me, honestly. But that means he asked James how it feels to win."
"He did," Logan nodded. "You could tell it meant a lot to him."
"I'll bet," Kendall said softly. "I'm glad he won contests for this growing up, because I know how much he hated losing in hockey."
When James did appear on the screen, Kendall's gut clenched; he was beautiful. "I'm so glad I kept my distance tonight. That's not what he was wearing later, though."
"No, but he wore that for the first song. It fit the somber mood."
"Another song about being hurt by love?"
Logan studied Kendall before answering. "I guess."
"You guess? Was it a love song or not?"
"I'm sure it was meant to be, yes."
"What does that mean?"
"Just watch," Logan urged. "I want your take on it."
What Kendall noticed as James' package played was that he didn't seem to particularly like the song as he rehearsed. "He's not into it like all the others."
Carlos agreed. "Doesn't seem like he's happy with it. Which is weird, you'd think that since he won he'd get to keep picking what he likes."
Logan made no comment other than, "Just watch the performance."
James took the stage with his trademark sad face already in place. "He's got such a great smile," Kendall commented. "I think he'd win more votes if he used it instead of being sad all the time."
"It worked for him last week," Carlos pointed out.
Kendall couldn't argue that. This song began with James alone, a soft guitar coming in quickly to accent his voice.
You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?
"Man." Carlos shook his head. "He's really got that whole tortured soul thing down. Every time he sings I just want to give him a hug."
Kendall couldn't help but laugh quietly. "Try being his best friend for three years. He needed a lot of hugs."
"Which you never minded giving, I'm sure."
"Sometimes in public I did," Kendall admitted. "I mean, I was a stupid kid and worried about being cool to a degree. But if he really needed it, I never held back. I never realized until right now just how touchy he was for a boy."
"Did it bother you?" Carlos pressed.
"Not at all. I should've guessed back then I was gay."
"Guys," Logan interrupted. "You just talked through the whole chorus."
"Oh, sorry," Carlos apologized. "Want me to rewind?"
"It's fine, he'll sing it again. But hush."
They did, paying attention as James continued.
Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living separate lives
It's so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall
Yes, you build that wall
And you make it stronger
"He's singing to his ex again," Kendall murmured. "I can see the pain in his eyes."
The last chorus hit after James built up to it, singing with the passion that came so easily to him.
Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Someday I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now we'll go on living separate lives
James looked straight into the camera as he sang the last line with feeling.
Yes for now we'll go on living separate lives
"That's so sad," Carlos commented once the audience had joined in with applause. "He still loves her, it's so obvious every time he sings."
"Not necessarily," Logan countered, watching Kendall carefully. "Your thoughts?"
"The same as Carlos, basically. It's sad and I feel bad for leaving him to deal with that heartbreak on his own. Though he has Lucy now, so..." he shrugged, trying not to let it bother him.
Logan shook his head in disbelief. "You are so blind."
Kendall blinked a couple of times, totally lost. "What are you talking about?"
"How do you not see that that song's about you?"
"Are you insane? He's not in love with me, he hates me."
"I know he's not in love with you," Logan replied, "but it doesn't have to be taken as a love song. Carlos, rewind to the first chorus."
Carlos did while arguing, "But babe, he's singing about love."
"Think about it in terms of friendship and it fits Kendall to a tee. 'Telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon'? How is that not about you?"
Kendall frowned, knowing there was no way Logan could be right. "It's a coincidence, I'm sure his girlfriend left him, too. And besides, he didn't even write the song. It's from a movie."
"Doesn't mean he isn't feeling it. You feel all of yours, right? And you didn't write any of them."
"It's not the same thing." Kendall rolled his eyes but listened as Logan wanted him to.
You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
I can't go on just holding on to ties
Now that we're living separate lives
"Kendall," Logan said softly. "What happened the last time you tried to talk to him? Not in the gym, I mean on that stage. What did you say to him?"
Kendall swallowed, his heart fluttering. "I asked if he was okay, told him I was worried about him."
"Dude," Carlos interjected. "Seriously? Then Logan's right, this song has to be about you."
"You guys, he didn't even write it! He obviously didn't even want to sing it! He's not singing to me, it's about his ex!"
"It's about you," Logan stated with finality. "You have no right. It all fits."
Kendall still wasn't convinced, and in fact knew better, but what occurred to him then was that it really didn't matter who it was about because it didn't change the fact that the words were true. He didn't have any right to ask those questions because he'd abandoned James and left him to fend for himself. "I still think you're wrong, but...the lyrics are right. We are living separate lives and I really don't have the right to ask him how he feels. So..." He sighed, guilt and regret washing over him again. "I need to let him go."
Though his face showed sorrow, Logan nodded. "You do. Find your closure with him and move on. How's that letter coming?"
"I got a whole sentence out the other night."
"It's something," Logan chuckled. "I think you need to finish that and then you'll be able to let go. I mean, not to hurt you or anything, but it's obvious he has."
The words did hurt, more than Kendall was comfortable admitting. Carlos saw it and suggested gently, "Let's watch your performance. I want to see those dance moves."
"Dance moves" was a bit of a stretch, but Kendall had done his job well in entertaining the crowd by moving around in time to the music and interacting with them.
"Dude!" Carlos yelled halfway through the performance. "You killed it! Look at you go!"
"I was actually having a lot of fun," Kendall admitted.
"I think feel-good music is your thing," Logan mused. "Like James is great with sad songs? You're better with this sort of thing. It's why you kept winning over him."
"That's what Gustavo said the first night." Kendall tried to remember back. "Something about how sad love songs win people over, but in the long run they want to be happy and entertained so those are the best ones to do."
Carlos nodded, eyes glued to Kendall on the screen. "Can't argue that. The crowd is eating it up."
"Yeah," Kendall laughed. It had felt good. "Maybe I can make a career out of this."
"You can," Logan promised. "Carlos, wait until you see his next song. It's like he's a whole new person out there, and the lyrics were perfect, too. This is your destiny, Kendall. I know you were incredible at hockey, but this is where you come alive."
Kendall shook his head. "You've never seen me play, you can't say that."
"That may be true," Logan conceded. "I'm sure it was a similar feeling. Did you ever have fun playing hockey, though?"
"What? Of course it was fun, it was my life."
"Kendall." When he had Kendall's full attention, he asked again. "Was it fun or was it just about winning?"
"Well...the winning was fun, I mean that was the whole point of it."
"Right, but just playing. Did you ever play when it wasn't a contest?"
"Somebody has to win, Logan. That's the point."
"I know, I'm just..." Logan sighed in frustration. "Never mind."
"I think I know what you mean, babe." Carlos tried for him. "Was there ever a time it wasn't about winning? When you just played for the hell of it?"
Kendall opened his mouth to argue again, then paused as his mind cast back over the years. "There was practice, but that was also with the goal of winning. And I guess..."
"Yes?" Logan prompted.
"Before I joined the league," Kendall continued. "When I was first learning how to play. I'd goof around with some kids on the block, that's how I got into it. We were just..."
Logan nodded. "Having fun. Was James one of them?"
"No, he was more...it's hard to explain. He only started playing because I taught him after we met at school. He'd moved in down the street and since I liked to play hockey, that's what we did. He got good really fast, though. I honestly expected him to go pro like me, he was fantastic. Wait, what was the point of this again?"
Logan grinned. "That singing is something you have fun with just because. It's not about winning."
"Logan, why do you think I'm even here? It's entirely about winning."
"Is it still?" Logan questioned shrewdly.
"Yes. Look, my reasons for wanting to win might have changed a little, but my determination hasn't; I'm winning this thing."
"If you keep singing like you did tonight, you are," Carlos agreed. "But hold on, how many more weeks of this are there?"
"Next week's the last episode."
"Oh, wow. That went by fast."
Kendall nodded, thinking how true that was. It felt like he'd just moved in a week ago instead of a month. The realization that he could be going home soon descended with a sense of doom. What did he have to live for there?
Logan sat back in his chair before asking, "So if you win tomorrow, does James even have a chance of winning the contest? That would be three for you and only one for him, so even if he wins next week you're still ahead, right?"
"No," Kendall shook his head. "Kelly explained it all to me in the beginning but I was only half-listening. What I remember is that the last episode counts for twice as much as the rest. So technically I could win tomorrow and he could still win in the end, depending on the number of votes or something like that. They tally it all up for the end."
"That's still a lot of votes in your favor," Carlos assured him. "You got this."
"You're assuming he's going to win tonight," Logan countered.
"Babe, you saw him. James was nothing compared to him."
"Judging off of those two songs, I agree. And Kendall's next one is even better, so you're probably right. But we have no idea what James did for his final one, we left early."
"Well, let's find out!" Carlos continued the broadcast, speeding up to watch Kendall's second performance.
"You really blew me away with this one, Kendall," Logan smiled. "I got goosebumps watching you sing about new horizons and how your time is now."
Kendall covered his face. "Stop it."
"No! You should be proud! You were feeling every single word of that."
"I was thinking about James during the first verse," Kendall admitted, cheeks still red. "It's so true, I thought I knew it all and missed out on so much."
Growing up, you don't see the writing on the wall
Passing by, moving straight ahead, you knew it all
But maybe sometime if you feel the pain
You'll find you're all alone, everything has changed
They watched him sing the song, Kendall echoing "'You'll find you're all alone.' I am now."
"You're not." Logan reached out a hand to squeeze his, Carlos quickly doing the same.
"Not with us around," Carlos agreed.
It hit him again, how much he wanted to stay here with these people who believed in him and accepted him. Panic started to climb.
"Babe, this is it," Logan said abruptly. "Watch this part, he came alive just like the song says. This is where I got the chills."
They all stared at the screen as Kendall launched into the bridge to yell out the lyrics.
Just once in his life, a man has his time
And my time is now
And I'm coming alive
"It's true," Kendall said softly. "That's how I feel, like my time is now. Nobody can steal that from me."
Carlos' fingers tightened around his. "Take it, then. Take it and run and just be free, man. Don't let anything hold you back."
Don't let anybody hold you back. Hadn't he said that to James ten years ago? Remembering that now and thinking about the way James was so determined to win, Kendall couldn't help feeling a hint of pride in the young man that scared little boy had become. "He's grown up so much," he whispered, causing Logan to glance over at him sharply.
"What?"
"Nothing. Just...nothing."
Kendall's song came to a halt and was met with thunderous applause and screams. "They loved you," Carlos smiled. "And you were loving it! Dude, seriously, this is your future. This right here."
"I know. It took a month for me to figure it out, but this is where I belong."
Logan squeezed his hand once more before letting go. "Ready for James?"
"Not even close," Kendall sighed. "Especially if it's another song about how he's so hurt. That's my weakness, seeing him hurting. Holy shit, I wonder if he knows that. Is that the real reason he keeps singing all those poor me songs? Because he knows that deep down it makes me want to hold him?"
"Hold him?" Carlos smirked. "Is that what you did during those sleepovers you won't admit to?"
"Shut up," Kendall laughed, shoving Carlos. "There were times I did, sure. When he was scared or sad or...whatever. He used to say I made him feel safe." The laughter faded with that sentence, Kendall knowing that was no longer the case and that there was someone else now who did that for him.
Logan shared, "I can see that about you. You do the same for me, make me feel like everything's gonna be okay. And if it isn't, you'll find a way to make it that way. He's an idiot to push you away."
Though they both knew James hadn't been the one to originally push him away, neither added that. "He has good reason to hate me," was all Kendall said.
"Are you sure you want to watch this?" Logan bit his lip in concern. "It's only going to upset you when you see him in pain."
"I deserve it," Kendall nodded. "He may not be singing about me, but I'm sure I caused him plenty of pain by abandoning him when we were kids. Maybe that's why he destroyed my knee. Vengeance of his own."
"Do you really believe that?" Carlos frowned, unable to see James doing something so cruel.
"No." Kendall knew better. "Just play the song."
He braced himself when Carlos pressed "play." Rather than some obscure ballad he'd never heard, though, the notes were familiar as they bled from the television. This was a song he'd heard numerous times throughout his life.
"He's doing Flashdance?!" Carlos exclaimed.
"Wow," was Logan's surprised reaction. "This isn't a sad song."
"Not even close," Kendall agreed. "It's not even about love."
This explained the shimmery shirt and leather pants, though. While he didn't expect James to break out into choreographed dance moves, the flashier style was appropriate for the era. The song began with an almost melancholy vibe, James of course radiating that perfectly as he stared down at his feet.
First when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel, made of stone
Kendall's body was covered in goosebumps by the time James reached the third line, each note striking a chord in him along with the words. James had lived this, had followed his dreams the way Kendall had attempted to until it all came crashing down.
The beat picked up on the last line, James also seeming to pick himself up while raising his head and letting his body move to the music. When he sang the next verse, there was a light in his eyes that had been seldom seen on that stage. He was feeling this song as he had all the others, but this one showed a different side of him.
Well I hear the music
Close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold of my heart
Now James was covering the length of the stage, doing what Kendall had just minutes before—interacting with the crowd and singing his heart out.
James Diamond was coming alive.
What a feeling
Being's believing
I can have it all
Now I'm dancing for my life
Take your passion
And make it happen
Pictures come alive
You can dance right through your life
"Holy shit," Kendall whispered, chills running through him for a different reason this time.
"I didn't know he had that in him," Carlos admitted. "He's singing about his dream. Like you did, only different."
Now I hear the music
Close my eyes, I am rhythm
In a flash it takes hold of my heart
They watched in silence as James made it through the second chorus with energy and so much life it seemed like he might burst with it.
Kendall was having trouble breathing because all he kept thinking was that this was the person he'd always known James could be. Even back when they were kids, he'd seen that muted passion in James and tried to bring it to the surface. All of the advice Kendall had given him, even at that young age, had stuck with him and now he was living and breathing it through song. He'd shaken off the pain and sadness that was holding him back. Now he was alive and beautiful with sheer happiness and excitement shining in his eyes.
What a feeling, I am music now
Being's believing, I am rhythm now
Pictures come alive
You can dance right through your life
I can have it all
Kendall was trembling by the time James stopped singing, emotion overwhelming him. "That's...I didn't expect that. He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I'll never have him."
"Come here," Logan commanded. He reached out to drag Kendall off the sofa and to his knees.
"Logan, I fucked it up so bad, I had him, he was mine, he would've done anything for me back then, I was his fucking hero and I threw it all away, I—"
Logan muffled Kendall's near-hysterical rambling with his chest, staring at Carlos over Kendall's head as he cried. "I'm sorry."
"I want it back. I want him back, I want him to laugh with me again and love me and come to me when he's scared or lonely and Logan, why? Why was I so stupid? Why did I do this to myself? To him? Why did I hurt him?"
"You didn't mean to hurt him," Logan soothed. "You did what you had to do when you moved, remember?"
"I have to tell him. I have to tell him I'm sorry. He hates me, he won't even look at me, how do I—"
"Write him that letter. Just sit down tonight and do it, everything you're telling me right now, tell him. Let it all come out."
"Now." Kendall wiped at his eyes while Logan motioned for Carlos to pass over a napkin. "I'm gonna do it now. I don't know if I have the guts to give it to him, but I'm gonna do it now."
"Okay. Do you want to do it here?"
"No." It was another minute before Kendall felt capable of speaking any further, eyes red and puffy but semi-dry. "I'm sorry, guys. I just...I always knew. I saw that in him when we were kids and I kept telling him he could be this. Not a singer but...you know. Just...his own person, that he could shine. I thought it would be hockey." He shook his head. "No. This is him. This is who he is and I've never been more proud of anybody in my entire life."
"Tell him that," Carlos suggested. "You're right, there's been too much damage done to get back what you had, but maybe you can at least get his forgiveness out of this."
"That's all I need. I want so much more, but I'd settle for that. It's more than I deserve after the way I've treated him since the injury. God, the way he looked at me in that room, I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want to see it, but he was sorry. He never meant to hurt me."
Fearing that Kendall was about to break down again, Logan stood up and pulled Kendall with him. "Come on, I'm gonna walk you downstairs. Babe, I'll be right back."
"Take your time. Kendall, it's gonna be okay. Even if he never tells you to your face, he'll appreciate your apology."
"I hope so. Thanks for...everything."
Carlos winked. "That's what friends are for, buddy."
They used the staircase to avoid being sighted, Logan relieved no one was in the hall as they traveled it to arrive at Kendall's apartment. His mother had left a light on for him but otherwise the place was quiet.
"Want me to stay?" Logan offered.
"No. He's waiting for you."
"He'll understand."
Kendall shook his head. "I'm grateful for the offer, but this is something I have to do by myself. It's between him and me. When should I give it to him?"
"That's up to you. What you said earlier, though. About how he might have purposely made himself weak to mess with your focus. How likely is that?"
Kendall sighed. "The old James...no. He would never have done that to me. He hates me now, though. And he's not the coward he used to be, he's so much braver. I taught him to fight back. It's possible."
Logan nodded. "Then wait. Any sign of weakness from you before this is over will only make him try harder. If you want to win this, wait."
"I do."
"I know. So then, like we talked about before. The last night. Next week, but after the performances. Catch him before he leaves. Or even here at the hotel."
"Lucy's always with him."
"I'll tell you his apartment number."
"I thought you weren't allowed to."
"Some things are worth breaking rules for. You taught me that," Logan smiled, then hugged Kendall tightly. "I hope Carlos is right, that he'll forgive you one day. You've already forgiven him for ruining your life, haven't you?"
"Yeah. Never thought I would."
"Love makes us do crazy things, doesn't it?" Logan placed a soft kiss on Kendall's lips. "Write it all down. You'll feel better after, I promise."
"Thanks. Thank Carlos for me, he's so great."
"Yeah, he is. Call if you need us."
"I won't, but...you know. Thanks."
"Good luck."
After a last wave at Logan, Kendall went inside to drag the notebook out to the kitchen table and stare at the sentence he'd managed to get out last time.
I'm sorry for the way I left it.
That was still true. What else could he say other than "I'm sorry" a thousand times?
I made a mistake and I regret it. I'm so sorry.
That was also true, but which mistake exactly was he apologizing for? Leaving James alone as a kid? Thinking he'd purposely hurt Kendall? Being a dick every time they'd crossed paths after moving here? There were many.
Kendall crossed out the previous line and wrote a new one.
I made mistakes and I regret them. I'm sorry for the things that I did and the way I acted.
That was better. What else?
Twenty minutes later he was still staring at the same sentences with no idea what else he wanted to say, or perhaps it was more that he didn't know how to say it. Words had never been his strong suit.
"I give up," he mumbled tiredly. "I don't know what I'm doing."
He couldn't stop seeing James in his mind, the way he'd been so radiant on that stage. It was better that he'd left early, because he probably wouldn't have been able to keep his feelings a secret if he'd witnessed that in person. And wouldn't Lucy find that the funniest thing ever?
Well, nobody was here to watch him now; Mom and Katie were in bed and Logan and Carlos were...probably in the same place. What Kendall needed was to see James perform that again. And again. And again and again and again. Could he make a clip of it somehow and put it on his phone to watch fifty times a day? Was that even possible?
Kendall thought there was probably some way to make that happen and that Logan could help him with it. Just in case, though...
After pulling up the show (which his mother had recorded, thankfully), Kendall laid on the sofa and watched James' last performance over and over. At one point he went back and watched the first one as well, wondering if it was possible at all that Logan could be correct.
No. It's not about you. It hasn't been about you for ten years, Kendall.
Still, the words were apt, and Kendall took them to heart. He had no right to care for James or to be kind to him. He knew that. It didn't change his feelings, though.
The next five playbacks were the Flashdance song again, Kendall slowly beginning to realize what he was costing James by being here and how much James stood to lose; it was more than a contest, it was his life. Which Kendall had known from the start and was the entire reason for his taking action in the first place.
Now, though, the idea bothered Kendall. He'd already hurt James so much, how could he knowingly do it again?
"Checking out the competition?"
Kendall started at the quiet voice from behind him, sitting up on the couch. "Mom. Hey. I thought you were asleep."
"Not quite yet. After Katie goes to bed is the only me time I get. I was reading. Mind if I join you?"
"Sure." Kendall sat up and scooted over to make room for her, thinking that his mother was the last person he wanted to talk to in his current state.
Once seated, she said, "You left too quick for me to tell you how proud I am of you, especially after tonight. I think you've found your path, honey."
"Carlos and Logan said the same thing," he replied with a small smile. "It did feel pretty good up there."
"It showed. Katie actually yelled at everyone in the lobby as we walked through that if they didn't vote for you, she'd come after them in their sleep."
"Katie," Kendall chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm surprised she admitted in public that she knows me."
"She's extremely proud of you, too, you know."
"Yeah."
James' voice floated to them when they fell silent, both watching for a minute before Jennifer asked, "Would you kill me if I say I'm proud of him, too?"
That earned another weak smile from Kendall. "The truth is, so am I. I've remembered a lot more from when we were kids and how he was always so scared to be by himself."
"He didn't want to go anywhere without you."
"Nope. And then I left."
"I'm sorry. That was my fault, but—"
"No, Mom, please don't be sorry. I couldn't wait to get away from Dad. I was happy to move."
"Just not happy to leave him."
Kendall shrugged. "At the time it didn't really bother me. It was just the way things were, you know? It had to happen. I've wondered, though, where I'd be today if I'd kept in touch."
"At the risk of setting you off," Jennifer said slowly, "I had lunch with him one day."
Kendall's body twisted violently as he turned to stare at her. "What?!"
"We had lunch. It was a few weeks after we moved here and I ran into him in the lobby and you were at the studio. Katie was out at the pool, and..."
"Why wasn't he in the studio?"
"He said Hawk had a meeting and that he was going in later."
"Where was Lucy?"
"I have no idea."
"He didn't talk about her at all?"
"No. Mostly we talked about his parents and the old days. I was curious to know how they were doing, and honestly I missed him. You know he was like a second son to me."
"Mom, I...how could you not tell me that?"
"Because it had nothing to do with you. We were just catching up. He told me about how he got into choir in junior high, and I think drama in high school. He's really become a wonderful young man, honey. I know you don't want to hear that, but—"
"I know," Kendall said softly. "I made a mistake when I decided we needed to be enemies. I was wrong."
Jennifer's face lit up in surprise. "Really? So you two are friends again?"
"No. He still hates me. Can't really say I blame him."
"Are you sure? I mean, we didn't talk about you a whole lot during lunch that day, but he did say he was sorry for the way things happened at the last game. Kendall, you can't honestly believe he would purposely take hockey from you."
"I don't anymore. Unless he's changed so much that he's not the person who was at our house every day for three years."
"That little boy is still in there," Jennifer smiled. "Hard to believe when you see him on that stage singing his heart out, isn't it?"
Kendall's gaze returned to the screen, where James was finishing up his last song. "He really loves to sing, doesn't he?"
"He said it's all he's ever really wanted to do with his life. I asked him about hockey and he said he loved playing it, but that it had never been his passion."
"Then why was he always so damn determined to beat me?"
Jennifer shrugged. "The thrill of the game? Isn't that the whole point?"
He'd said the same thing to his friends just an hour earlier, and yet it didn't sound right for James. "The thing is, Mom...whether he meant to do it or not—"
"He didn't."
"—it happened. My dream was crushed by him. I have nothing else. This is it for me, my second chance. And I really love to sing. I never knew it, but now that I do, I don't want to give up this opportunity because it's all I have."
"I understand that."
"I'm sure it hurt him when I left and then didn't make any effort to keep in touch. I didn't even tell him where we moved to. And I think you're right, now that I remember so much more, I think he probably did cry the day we said goodbye."
"He did," she nodded.
"But he moved on and grew up and obviously had some girlfriend that ripped his heart out and now I feel like he's finally getting past it and ready to live his life, you know? If he didn't mean to hurt me, and all he's doing is following his dreams, how can I fault him for that? I mean, yeah, he's been a total jerk to me, but I started that. We actually talked on the day he moved in, and it was...civil. Or would've been if I hadn't been rude. He's not the horrible person I wanted to believe he is."
"Where are you going with this?"
"I don't know," Kendall admitted with a sigh. "I just keep thinking...watching him do that last song...this is what he was born to do, Mom. This is his hockey. I wanted him to suffer so much and now...how can I take that from him?"
"Because you have a life to live, too. You deserve this second chance, just as much as he does."
"Do I, though? Look at the way I've treated him over the years. I left him to fend for himself when that was his worst fear. I left him to suffer alone through a break-up that almost killed him. What makes you think I deserve this more than he does after everything he's been through?"
"I didn't say you deserve it more," Jennifer corrected. "You deserve it as much. And you suffered, too. Even if it wasn't intentional. Did you purposely leave him alone knowing he was going to need you?"
Kendall raised a brow at her. "Mom, he always needed me. Everybody knew that."
"But you didn't do it knowing he'd have his heart broken. Just like he didn't check you knowing you'd never play hockey again. Both of you made mistakes. You both deserve this."
"I guess," Kendall sighed. "I just...did you see him on that stage? Did you ever imagine back when we were kids that he had that in him?"
"No," Jennifer admitted. "Did you?"
"Yeah. I knew he could be amazing. He just didn't believe it himself."
"Well, someone taught him to."
Yes, someone had taught him to believe. Kendall knew who that person had been, knew James had taken every word to heart. "What happens if I lose?"
"We go back home. Katie goes back to school, I go back to work..."
She trailed off, both of them knowing that there was nothing for him there. "Exactly," Kendall nodded.
"Win this, Kendall. Win this for yourself and for your own sanity. I don't think any of us can handle seeing you a shadow again." Kendall didn't reply, his gaze lost in thought as she kissed him on the cheek. "Goodnight, sweetheart. Don't think so hard about this. Do what you have to do for you."
Once left alone, Kendall stared at the screen without seeing it, his mind awhirl with memories of the past and questions about the future. He couldn't change the past, nor could he do anything to fix his current relationship with James; too much damage had been done.
The real question was, where was his future? It was in the hands of millions of strangers he'd never spoken to or even seen up to this point (outside of long-distance interactions on Scuttlebutter). These were the people who controlled his life. They didn't know him, or even James—yet they would decide the fate of both.
How to manipulate a mass of people so huge he couldn't even count them?
A/N—In this chapter, the songs James performs are "Separate Lives" by Phil Collins & Marilyn Martin and "Flashdance...What a Feeling" by Irene Cara.