Chapter 21: Parts of the Universe

Ashley's POV

"Hi Mama," I hear my son's sweet voice whisper into the phone as I pick it up from the night stand and hit send.

"Well, hi Mister!" I reply, silently reminding myself to keep the strife out of my voice…to follow Arthur's advice. "How was school today, Bub?"

"It was good, Mama. We got ta paint wif puddin'," he informs me and I chuckle softly.

I think I remember doing that in elementary school…

"Pudding? YUM! Was is chocolate pudding?" I ask him excitedly as I sit up a bit and pull my knees to my chest.

"Yep. And I made a big wainbow and a hat aiwe balloon," he exclaims.

And I bite my lip softly, remembering my promise I made to him many months ago.

"Wow, buddy, that sounds way cool," I congratulate him softly. "Can I see it tomorrow or did you have to leave it at school?"

"Wewl, we had to leave it to dwie ovea night, but I get ta bwing it home tomawow," he informs me proudly.

"Cool. I can't wait to see it. SO what did Mommy make you for dinner tonight?" I continue to keep up my enthusiasm as he rattles off the menu of fish sticks, green beans, orange slices and rice.

And I smile at my wife's propensity to make more balanced dinners than I would in her absence, but take mental notes to not forget the fruits and veggies for tomorrow night.

"Sounds pretty delicious. Did you watch some T.V. tonight?"

"Yep. We watched some Playhouse Disney cause that's what Wywa wanted ta watch," he tells me sweetly and I smile again at my son's clear adoration for his sissy.

"Well, can I talk to Lyla now Bubs?" I request as I hear him shuffle the phone a bit.

"Wywa, Mama wants ta talk to you," he calls and I hear more shuffling.

"Hey, Bo Bo, wait a sec," I interrupt almost desperately. "Hey, Mama loves you and I will see you tomorrow, ok Bubs?"

"I wuv you too, Mama."

And with that, I hear the angelic voice of my little girl mumbling something I cannot understand as I wait patiently for him to hand the phone off.

"Hi Mama," she coos as she finally successfully pulls the phone to her little face.

"Hi my little princess, how are you sweetie pie?" I ask as I close my eyes, forcing the tears back into my eye sockets.

"Fiiineee," she responds, a typical Lyla response, and I chuckle at the simplicity. "Whewe awe ya?" She inquires innocently, and I sigh, knowing it's just impossible to really explain this to her.

"Lyla, Mama's at the beach house down the street like Mommy and I told you, remember?"

And I am still searching aimlessly for more explanation.

"I'm just staying here for a little while, right?" I remind her sadly and then silently curse the change in my tone. "So baby girl, what did YOU do at school today?" I ask her, forcing the enthusiasm back.

"Um…I don't wememba," she replies and I chuckle.

"You don't remember?" I gently tease her. We get this answer often from our little girl. "Well did you play outside?" I try to prod her on.

"Um…yeah…" she begins slowly. "I pwayed on tha pwaygwound!" She remembers excitedly and I laugh out loud.

"You did? COOL!" I exclaim as she giggles into the phone before I hear her yawn loudly. I glace at the clock and realize it's bedtime.

"Ok, Lyla-Lou, I bet Mommy is ready to tuck you in tight, so sweet dreams angel. Mamma loves you and I will see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay, Mama. I wuv you too."

"Lyla, will you put Mommy on the phone baby?" I ask quickly before her little fingers can hang the phone up.

"Okay, Mama, hewe she is."

"Hey…" She says breathlessly and I assume she's juggling jammies and sippies, and the guilt sets in again.

"Hey, you guys doing okay?" I ask sincerely.

"Yeah, sure. Just trying to get them changed for bed," she informs me, but I already knew this.

"Well, I can let you go, but are you still planning to call me after you put them to bed?" I ask softly and hopefully.

"Of course. Can you give me an hour so I can get them down and get ready for bed myself?" she requests, still a bit breathless.

"Yeah, of course that's fine. I will talk to you in a bit, okay?"

…

And I am lying in bed, with her on the other end, and we've been talking for over an hour.

"Yeah, but it's no excuse, Spencer, and I am sorry for that. I mean, the words stung but I should have known better than to take it that personally," I admit reluctantly as I hear her exhale loudly into the phone.

"But Ashley, I knew how much those words affected you, even back then, and I didn't take the time to really tell you what my thoughts were. I mean, I knew you were terrified to mess up with the kids and I knew what you were doing, and instead of just talking to you about it, I let it eat at me until I was just so frustrated that it turned to anger, when I should have been supporting and reassuring you," she states and I feel myself continue to relax more and more with each word.

"You know, I am so mad at myself for letting those bimbos even get in my head like that," I spit through gritted teeth. "I just think back to when I was younger, before you and I got married, really before we were even together, and back then I was SURE I would never have kids. That I would never want to put any little person through what I had gone through. I was terrified that I was royally fucked up and incapable of truly being able to nurture a child in they way one would need." I take a deep breath and continue.

"But then I met you, Spence. And as our relationship grew, and I fell deeper and deeper in love with you, that began to change. First, I started to realize just how much love I had inside of me, because I doubted every day that I could even project a fraction of how I felt onto you. So then it started to dawn on me…if I have this much love in me, surely I have enough to spread around a little, ya know?" I pause momentarily to see if she has a response.

"Babe, for what it's worth, from the moment I met you, I never had any doubt that one day you would make an amazing mother, and you sure proved me right," she informs me sweetly and I smile at the sentiment.

My turn.

"And then, as I got to know you even better, it occurred to me that this world would never be complete until part of you was created into another life. That it would be robbed to have a miniature Spencer not running around in it…and that's when I knew I wanted to have children with you, baby."

"Ashley…" I hear her voice crack a bit and I cut her off.

"And honey, I am totally, one-hundred percent aware that I did a 180 after New York. And I know now that I incorrectly thought that if I spoiled our kids, never told them no, blurred the boundaries you and I spent so long creating, that they would never doubt how much I loved them. And it was stupid and immature, and I am sorry I caused you so much stress." I pause again, this time ready for her to respond fully.

"I know, Ashley. I really do know that. And I am mad at myself because I let my own insecurities get the best of me," she confesses and I sit up a bit in wonder as to what this perfect woman and mother could possibly be insecure about.

"What do you mean?" I ask, the confusion pouring from my lips and over the telephone lines.

"Well, I mean, I always worried a little that you would be the 'cool mom' and that I would be the boring one," she begins, almost shyly, and as much as I want to interrupt her at this very second, I let her continue. "You're the rock star, Ash. The one who can play guitar and sing with them, and who always says funny things and has this amazing energy that I am so scared I cannot compete with. So when you started loosening up too much with them, and I felt like I was the only disciplinarian, I started inwardly getting defensive for no real reason other than those exact fears I just explained." She takes another deep breath, and I wait to make sure she is finished before responding to her confession.

"First of all, babe, do you even realize how many gifts you have, how many amazing talents you possess that make you the coolest person I have ever met?" It's a rhetorical question so I know I do not have to wait for a response. "Honey, those kids think you hung the moon and stars. Lyla has told me so many times that one day she's going to be able to draw and color as good as her Mommy. And I guess you've never seen Bo play 'photographer' have you?" I hear her chuckle at this and I give her a chance to process it.

"He play's photographer?" she asks in amazement.

"Yes, Spence, he does. He walks around the living room with his toy camera and puts on this thoughtful look as he tries to capture the perfect shots." I join in her laughter as I tell her about the time I caught him telling Lyla to sit on the edge of the coffee table, walking up to her to tilt her head just right. And I tell her about him saying 'that's going to be a keeper' as he pretended to snap the shot.

Her laugher stills a bit before she speaks again. "I wish I would have known all of this, Ash."

"And I am sorry I never thought to tell you," I apologize sheepishly, metaphorically kicking myself for not realizing how important those little things can be.

"Well, if they think I hung the moon and stars, then you hung the rest of the universe, Ashley," she says warmly. "Bo cannot put that guitar down!"

"Well he can long enough to pick up a camera every once in a while," I remind her.

"Yeah...oh, and guess who saw a picture of you from a few years back and asked me if she could dye the front of her hair 'wed'?"

"Oh GOD!" I moan as we both convulse into laughter again. "Please tell me you said no," I beg and she just continues to laugh.

"Hey, you and I promised our kids could express their individuality however they see fit, remember?" She is teasing me but I nod my head anyway, knowing we had so many grand plans for raising our kids to be open-minded and kind and good.

"Yes, yes we did, babe. And Spencer, our children are the amazing creatures they are because of the way we have raised them, and I am sorry I started to put a cramp in that." I shudder at the thought of destroying what we have worked so hard to accomplish with them. "Honey, I promise you, I will cast aside the doubts I feel sometimes, and I will work on coming back together with you and the parenting we have agreed upon, and until recently have kind of rocked at," I promise with a smile.

"I believe you. And I will never be stupidly envious of you for being such a sexy, bad-ass rock star, cause I don't blame those two one bit for thinking that you kind of rock," she states in an amused tone.

We both take along breath and blow it out, so that I can hear her and she can hear me.

"I meant what I told you in New York, Ash. You are the world's best Mama."

"And you are the universes' greatest Mommy, babe."

And we decide it's time to go, the clock glaring 2:37 at us.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Ash," she whispers.

"Yep. And babe, I won't ever stop saying this. I love you."

"I love you, too."