Chapter 21

Tilly's auburn curls fell across her forehead and over one side of her emerald eyes, as she glared sulkily up at her, and Jen fought the urge to brush them gently to one side with her fingers: she knew her hand would be knocked back. Jen also had to fight the urge to kiss her; she looked so insanely attractive and cute when she was mad, and she was totally, utterly, fuming with her!

"Look, I do understand how you feel, you know..." she tried her best to placate her.

"Do you? You sure about that? You seem very calculating to me right now, Jen. It's all about you, isn't it? You and your oh-so-precious career!"

"Hey, that's not fair!"

"Not fair? Not fair?" The emerald eyes flashed an icy glare at her again and Jen's heart skipped a beat in direct response, in spite of the atmosphere between them. "...I'll tell you what's not fair, Jen. It's not fair that I either have to stay hidden all the time when I'm with you or you're on edge all the time and worrying that your ex is stalking us with a camera, or something like that – either way, you're treating me like your dirty little secret! How the hell to you think that makes me feel? Well?"

"Hey! That's just not true Tilly! What about that day in town when I took you three for coffee and cake? It was you who was pulling away from me when I crept up behind you to kiss you! You're not being fair!"

"Oh, on that one and only occasion, Jen! But what about the times since then? And last night when we were in the shack you were really on edge and didn't look like you wanted to be there..."

"Tilly, that's absolute rubbish and you know it! You're being unreasonable now. Have you forgotten how I covered you in kisses last night? Is that the behaviour of someone who doesn't want to be there, with you? I always want to be with you, you know that! It's just not possible to be as open and unguarded as you want me to be all the time. Why can't you understand?"

"Understand? Oh I understand all right Jen! Yeah, of course, I know you need a job and I'd love to see you really happy and successful in teaching – I think you're an amazing teacher – but not at the expense of...this... of you and me...being together..."

"Tilly – "

"Don't you Tilly me! One minute you say you love me – yeah, sure you do! – cos the next minute you're shoving me into a taxi, or around the corner, or... something! Because you want me out of the way so you don't have to acknowledge me to anyone; so you can ignore me if anyone else is in earshot!"

"Tilly, once again that's just not true! What about at Vinicelli's? We were together, actually very stupidly, intimately, in a public bar that was absolutely full of people who were totally aware of us; watching us. I took a real risk with you that night! You have no idea!"

"Yeah, and it stopped you relaxing properly with me too, didn't it? You pushed me away. Remember?"

"Oh, come on! You gave me no choice! Even if the teacher thing and age thing wasn't an issue, I'd've still had to do that because things were getting too – heated – between us for a public place! It would have been pornographic if I hadn't put a stop to things."

Tilly glared at her again, petulant, even though somewhere inside she knew Jen had a point.

"And I didn't want to push you away. It absolutely killed me to do it. You know that. Or have you forgotten the back seat of the taxi ride? And that's another place, semi-public, where I gave in to you and made love with you... Only because it was dark enough to be private, granted, but I'm sure the driver's eyes were on stalks trying to see us the whole time... Come on Tilly! Get it out. I know the real reason you're so mad is because of what I've just said – isn't it? I'm only being a realist Tilly. And maybe you can't see that because of your age?"

"Oh, I'm just some stupid kid then am I? Huh. Thanks for nothing!" Tilly stomped across the old worn stone flags of the ruined church where Jen had texted her to meet that morning. She kicked another stone to the side; she was hurting so much inside with the news Jen had just told her – that as much as she loved her, with all her heart, she just didn't see how they could keep it up once she got a job... "For fuck's sake Jen." She lashed out at the air around her, pacing back again. "How utterly crap do you think you've made me feel? And after we've been so...close... Don't I mean anything to you? More than your sodding career? And to think I was really excited for you getting those two interviews..." She started to move past Jen, as if on her way out of the church ruin and away from any more discussion with her.

Jen caught tight hold of her arm and pulled her towards her roughly. Tilly wrestled against her. Jen was easily strong enough to hold her though, regardless: she was determined to get through to her.

"Tilly, look at me."

Tilly deliberately stared at the floor; anywhere but Jen's face.

"Look at me!" Jen pulled her more roughly to a standstill right in front of her, so she had no option but to look into her hazel eyes, shining now in anger.

"Can't you see it in my face just how much you mean to me, how much I love you? How on earth do you think I can hide it anymore? And that's just too dangerous for me right now, for both of us actually. Which is why we can only do this in secret, Tilly. I am not going to be the reason you fail your grades or miss your chance at Cambridge. And it's not some failing or denial of my feelings for you, that I don't want to publically announce you as my girlfriend, Tilly; it's because I don't want to spend the next few years in prison! Honestly! You have no idea just how dangerous this is! And yet I really want us to work, so why can't we try to be as safe as possible for the time being, with a view to being more together later on, when you're eighteen or not my student anymore? Think about it, all I'm saying is we need to be more careful, even more secretive, until then, or, if we can't, we'll have to cool it for a while... Come on. You know I'm right. Look at me!"

Moodily, Tilly stared at Jen, as she had been holding her gaze throughout her little speech. She was mad at her, yes, because she knew Jen was right and she was tired of it. She wanted to lash out against the social constraints that bound them to secrecy. So much for bloody Foucault and Gormley and pushing boundaries; testing conventions: sensible, judgemental society sucked!

Jen moved suddenly, before Tilly had chance to pull back, and planted a fiery, forceful kiss on her lips that left her gasping. She glared back at her, fuming, but also irritatingly turned on. How dare she have that effect on her when she wanted to be mad at her!

Jen repeated the move, this time Tilly seeing her coming and trying to move away in protest...but Jen's arms were, once again, like velvet covered steel bars that held her in place, regardless of her protest, and the more she clenched her lips together, the more Jen's fiery probing was arousing, and Jen knew this; she could feel it in the tension and conflict in Tilly's lips, and smiled seductively in that secretive way of hers that made Tilly's heart melt. But Tilly really was mad with her – perhaps unreasonably so, she acknowledged to herself – but she was fed up with their situation and its constraints, and she wanted to wallow in her own anger, so was also mad at the instinctive erotic power Jen had over her. Well not any more! She was determined to fight it, as much as she didn't really want to; as much as she actually wanted to succumb to Jen's talents and strip both their sets of clothes off and make love with her right there in broad daylight. No. She was determined to regain some control over things! Let Jen stew over her, even if she did have two interviews to prepare for. She should be more important than them, surely!

So she waited for Jen's beautiful eyes to close into the next firm, fiery kiss, and she waited to feel her arms relax into it too, for just a brief second, and then, fighting her own urge to remain and kiss her there and everywhere for the rest of the day, she pushed off and broke free from a suddenly surprised and hungry woman.

"Tilly!" Jen called after her breathlessly, as Tilly wasted no time in marching away. "Tilly! Please!"

How the hell was she going to get her head together for her imminent interviews – two in one day – when she knew that all she would be thinking about was Tilly? How could Tilly be so selfish? But then... how could she, herself, be so selfish to expect Tilly to drop everything for her? She hoped with all her heart that she hadn't lost her; she knew how hard Tilly found it and wished she could understand what she'd been trying to say... It was these interviews, making her feel so vulnerable about...things, she knew deep down. She hated seeing her hurt.

Jen looked a lonely figure, deep in thought, as she made her way back to the flat to go over, yet again, the string of possible questions to prepare answers for in interview. She knew she had no choice but to try to focus on preparing for them – even though she also knew her heart wouldn't be in it.

She wished she hadn't said anything to her about putting things on hold for the time being. It was only because she was trying to be responsible – that moment in Vinicelli's when they'd both almost lost control had really scared her more than she'd first realised...

"Tilly, don't give up on me, please." she whispered to herself as she turned down the alleyway back towards Diane's. The buildings all seemed to lean in and over her, as if passing judgement against her feelings for her beautiful talented lover. An old feeling of nervous dread began to creep its way into the pit of her stomach, leaving her feeling empty and lost.

.

.