Mar 5, 2011
A/N: I am posting this chapter today and my next chapter tomorrow because I love them both and I want to end the weekend on a REALLY great lemon. After that it may take me longer than usual to post because I have to work out the kinks in the next series of chapters I wrote.
BPOV
Pain is an interesting sensation; one I thought I was an expert in. There is emotional pain. The type that gnaws at you from the inside out as it twists at your organs and tries to rip them from your body leaving you nothing but an empty shell. There is the pain of blinding fear. The sensation is like drowning. You're hit with a sudden coldness. It presses down on your chest making it difficult to breath. It creeps up to your throat to strangle you so you can't speak, so you can't move. There is the physical pain of a sharp blade slicing through flesh. What is truly beautiful about this pain is you don't feel anything at the onset. You see your skin slice open and at first it doesn't register what you've done, then a few seconds later the pain hits you like a searing hot lightning bolt. What's amazing about the pain is that waves of warmth spreads throughout your entire body like a blanket. All other pain is blocked out as the stinging sensation dissipates.
This pain was nothing like that. When Jasper's teeth pierced my flesh pain was instantaneous, which shocked me. It did not flow over my body like waves and it did not disperse. Instead it felt like acid blistering the skin. Every nerve ending felt like it was being tortured. The pain slowly crawled enjoying each minute of my agony. Death would be so much easier than this. I felt Jasper's teeth slice through my thigh and the acid began to bubble throughout the lower half of my body. I was almost grateful he bit a second time because my mind was distracted as it tried to figure out where my pain was worse, my upper body, or lower body. My head felt like it was going to explode from the pressure of my screams. I was only vaguely aware that Jasper was beside me when suddenly the pain started to seep out of my body and was replaced with calm. I registered what he was doing when I heard his sobs. He was trying to take away my pain. No! This is not his cross to bear. I wanted this. Stop it Jasper. You've hurt enough as it is! My pain was back. I can do this. I have to do this. I love Jasper. I can't let him take on my pain. I focused in on the demon that was eating away at me. Each time it licked a new part of flesh I remembered the feel of Jasper's tongue caressing me there. I willed myself to remember each time Jasper held me. Each time he entered inside me. Each time he filled me with pleasure. I was not going to let this pain tear away at me. I was going to keep whole for him. He saved me. The pain was a means to an end. I focused on the end. Jasper was waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. I could do this.
I don't know how long it had been. I'm not sure when I started to realise the pain beginning to concentrate around my heart. It was so intense that I saw nothing but a blinding white light. I couldn't hear anything but a roar in my ears, but the roar wasn't coming from outside. It was coming from inside my head like my brain was going to explode. My lungs collapsed and my breathing stopped. Suddenly I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my heart. I couldn't even gasp because my lungs didn't seem to work. I'm not sure when I finally realised that all the pain subsided because I was concentrating so hard on blocking everything out.
"Bella? Can you hear me love?"
That's Jasper's voice. It sounds different. Like music. Am I dreaming? Am I dead? Fuck, what's wrong with me.
I was afraid to speak. I was afraid to open my eyes.
"Bella, please baby! I can't feel you. I need to know you're alright." He was sobbing next to me. My eyes fluttered open. I was staring at the ceiling and even though I could recognize all the objects around me, everything looked different. Colours had more distinct hues, shapes were more defined. Even the air had more texture. My eyes darted to the beautiful mess of blond hair resting on my breast. He was holding me and shaking as sobs racked his body. My hands came to rest on his hair gently stroking it. It was like running your fingers through fine silk. He looked up at me and his pitch black eyes were filled with worry and concern. Very slowly he released his grip on me and sat back with his hands placed flat on the bed. He was giving me a chance to fully see him and assure me that he was not a threat. The sight of him was shocking. His chest, shoulders, arms and torso were covered in sliver crescent shaped scars. There were parts of his body that had thicker scar tissue than others like pieces of armour welded to the skin making him look truly menacing. I raised a finger and let it run lightly over the most prominent scar tissue. His skin felt so different than the cold hard stone I was accustom to. Instead of the light ridges I felt as a human, his scars felt raised and hard, yet his skin was soft, warm and malleable under my touch. It was strange that this man I've been so intimate with, a man who I have touched, tasted and smelled could suddenly look and feel so foreign to me. If it wasn't for the love and concern in his eyes I probably would have been frightened, but he was still my Jasper. This man was by my side all of this time worrying about me, loving me, and caring for me. He was my knight in battered armour.
He didn't make a move. He looked broken. I obviously had hurt his feelings. He was thinking that I was rejecting him.
My voice was barely a whisper, "Come here."
He leaned in tentatively, unsure of my intentions, and closed his eyes. I didn't want him to fear me. I didn't want him to feel rejected. "Kiss me."
His lips first brushed over mine lightly, just grazing them as we both took in each other's scent. He smelled like fresh cut grass and cedar. I lifted my head slightly to take his lips in between mine. Tasting him was like drinking spring water from a clear stream. It felt clean, fresh and life giving. He deepened the kiss and I wrapped my arms around his neck and arched into him so he could feel my breasts pressed against his chest. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to reacquaint myself with every inch of him, but he pulled his lips away from mine.
"I can't feel you. Why can't I feel you?"
He looked so incredibly sad. It broke my heart to see him this way. I was aching. He was hurting so much and it was because of me. I didn't know how to fix it. Adding to the distress was my throat burning. Every time I swallowed it was like hot molten lava being poured down my oesophagus. My mind felt like it was going a mile a minute. I wanted to talk to him, reassure him everything was okay. I wanted to do something to get rid of the burn in my throat that was eating away at me. I wanted to pin him to the ground and make love to him till he could feel only me and nothing else. I wanted to find out what the hell was wrong with me. It was all too much.
"Jasper, I don't know, but my throat feels like I've swallowed razor blades."
The lost look in his eyes disappeared and his face became a blank slate. "You need to hunt. We should go now." He grabbed my arm to lead me out the door, but I stopped him for a second and put my hand on his cheek.
"Jasper, you know I love you right? Just because you can't feel it doesn't make it any less real. I love you."
He gave me a tentative smile, but I could still see the doubt all over his face. "I know darlin. It'll all be alright."
JPOV
When Bella went emotionally silent on me my first reaction was that I killed her. The pain of her void was way worse than the burn of venom. I immediately brought my ear to her chest to hear her heart beat. I could still hear its hypnotizing rhythm. I could feel the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. I was afraid to move. I laid completely still over her body counting her heartbeats. My arms clutched at her waist and my legs draped over hers. The heat from her body was comforting. Days began to pass. It shouldn't take this long. I should have probably called Carlisle or at least called Peter, but I couldn't tear myself away from her. By day three her body temperature began to drop. Her heart rate was started to speed up and her breathing was becoming more laboured. Those were the only indications that she was still with me. When her lungs collapsed and heart beat stopped on day five, I wailed and cried tearlessly. I succeeded in killing her human body. She was never going to shed tears again. Never going eat, sleep, blush, or enjoy the open sun without fear of being seen. I was expecting her to open eyes, but she didn't. I couldn't feel her emotions, she was completely still. She's dead. Nothing is registering. I killed her. No, she can't be dead. I can't lose her. She needs to come back to me!
"Bella, please love, come back to me. Please don't be dead." I was tearlessly crying into her breasts
"Bella, can you hear me love? Bella, please baby! I can't feel you. I need to know you're alright."
Suddenly a gentle hand was stroking my hair. I was afraid to speak. I looked up and saw the wonderment in her eyes as she took in her surroundings. She was so beautiful. She was still my Bella, but her features were all slightly enhanced. Does she know who I am? Is she afraid of me? I wasn't sure how she was going to react to me. She was stronger than me and much more volatile. Because I couldn't feel her I also wouldn't be able to manipulate her emotions, which was a frightful thought. I slowly lifted myself off of her. I wasn't sure how she was going to react when she saw the gruesome creature I really was. I placed my hands in front of me so she could sense I was not a threat and then waited. Her gaze was intense. I couldn't feel her emotions or read her eyes. When she touched my scars I swallowed hard. She thinks you're a freak and you know she's right. I was ready to bolt out the room when I heard her whisper "Come here." This is it. She's going to rip me to shreds. Better to be dead than to see her repulsed by me. I closed my eyes afraid that if I saw her disgust I would fall to pieces. Then she said two words that changed my entire belief system. "Kiss me." If we really were evil, soulless creatures that were meant to spend eternity in damnation, this angel before me would not have uttered those words. I lightly brushed over her lips afraid that she would change her mind. She still smelled like lavender and freesias. She was still my Bella. My angel then did what I was too afraid to do. She closed the gap between us and took my lips with hers. The taste of her lips, mouth and tongue was amazingly like the taste of her blood. It was like drinking in vanilla infused honey. I wanted to taste her for hours. Amazingly she pressed her beautiful flawless body against my scarred grotesque form. Her body was responsive to my touch, but I couldn't feel her emotions. Not being one with her emotions was weighing on me.
"I can't feel you. Why can't I feel you?"
"Jasper, I don't know, but my throat feels like I've swallowed razor blades."
Crap. How many years did you spend in the Southern Wars training newborns? Stop thinking about yourself asshole and pull yourself together.
"You need to hunt. We should go now." I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the door, but she stopped me.
"Jasper, you know I love you right? Just because you can't feel it doesn't make it any less real. I love you."
I knew she was right and I was probably being petty, but seeing her in her new beautiful form and knowing what I must look like to her, I could help but think that at any moment she was going to run screaming.
"I know darlin. It'll all be alright."
We took off into the woods. She was no longer clumsy and unsure. I was awed by her grace and beauty. We stopped as we approached a herd of elk. I hadn't fed in over a week and was strained from the emotional rollercoaster. Their heart beats sounded like thunder in my ears. Their scent made the venom pool in my mouth and swallowing it back was like acid burning a hole through my vocal cords. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to speak. I needed to get in control so she could hunt. If I was this bad, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep her in control. I could tell the smell of a living being was bringing out her more animal side, but instead of attacking on site she just stood in front of me and placed her hand on my cheek.
She seemed perfectly fine as she spoke, "Why don't you hunt first and show me how."
I couldn't talk because all I kept thinking of was draining the entire herd. My ego would have been bruised if it wasn't for the fact that the fire consuming me was blocking everything else out. I took off and snapped the necks off of four elk in a matter of seconds then drained all of them within minutes. Bella stood off in the distance looking at me intently. I made my way over to her and put my forehead against hers as my hands weaved through her hair.
She whispered, "I love the amber colour of your eyes. It's like light hitting against maple syrup."
"You know that maple syrup tastes like mud right?" I was smiling as I said it.
She smiled back, "Well I guess your eyes are beautiful like light hitting against mud."
"You're showing tremendous restraint. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous."
I felt like our roles were somehow reversed. She was in way more control than I was. It reminded me so much of my time with the Cullens, being the only one who truly struggled. Maybe I'm not cut out for this life after all. I needed to push aside my insecurities and focus on Bella. I dropped my hands from her hair, but she grabbed them and entwined them in hers.
"I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to rip you part and take out the entire herd myself, but Jasper seeing you in pain is worse than any blood thirst." Her arms wrapped around me. "Besides, I could use a few pointers so I don't make a complete ass of myself." She was trying to be light, but I knew she was trying to sooth me. She's probably a mind reading empath too.
We roamed the woods and found some deer. She looked at me tentatively. "I can kill them for you first if that will be easier?"
She nodded no. "I need to learn. There's no time like the present."
She stalked her prey and then pounced. In that split second I was on my knees. I was hit with a tremendous amount of pain as the burn of her thirst hit me. I felt also felt her fear and excitement as she drank. Once she was finished, I felt her satisfaction and sadness. Once her instinct took over, the dam that was blocking me from her feelings broke and everything hit me with a force of a tsunami. Even though I was gasping and clutching at my head I was happier than I have ever been. She wasn't blank to me. She was mine again in body, soul, and mind. When she was done, she cautiously walked over to me. She looked like a goddess of the forest. Her hair was wild; there were blood stains on her outfit. Her eyes glowed red.
"What's wrong? Are you okay? Do you need to hunt again?"
I just couldn't get over how happy I felt. I tackled her to the ground and just before I planted a kiss on her lips I said, "I can feel you. All of you."
She kissed back and said in between kisses, "Can you feel everything?"
"Everything."