10

Window Reflections

Flight to Freedom

Amanda relaxed into the arm of the couch, stretched her legs across the cushions and let her gaze blur on the backyard through the French doors. The house was still and quiet because no one else had returned home yet from their day's adventures except her. She had no need to prepare any food because her appetite had been filled by the tasty onboard meal that Lee had prepared. She was contentedly tired from sunshine, fresh air and good company. It had almost seemed as if it was another woman who used to be so at home on boats because it had been so long since the last time she had been able to be out on the water like that. She had always loved sailing. During the summers while she was in high school and college, she and her father would crew on sailboats up and down the Potomac. Those summer sailing adventures were a significant part of her most treasured memories of her father. They included smells and sensations from a time when life was full of companionship and the wholeness of a complete family - before he had died, before she had become a wife and a mother, before she had been left alone to raise two young boys.

In the past, thoughts like that last one would have left her feeling empty and sad. She had always tried to keep from getting bogged down with negative emotions; she had needed to stay positive for the boys' sake and her mother's as well. Every once in a while she would feel a twinge of sadness though, and it was often when she was near the water. She would always chide herself because she had two wonderful sons that meant the world to her and the loving support of her mother. But she never could get rid of her hope for companionship and the strong, comforting presence of a man in her life. Losing her father and her husband so closely together had left her feeling a great loss in that area. Her mother and she had done the best that they could and most of the time it was enough, and yet, there were moments….

But tonight there was no hint of that old nagging emptiness. Nothing could diminish the contentment that she felt tonight. It was so complete, and adding to it was the tiredness from the sun and sea. She felt like she was in a half dream state. Closing her eyes, she could see Lee's face in front of her asking her if she would like to help him sail the Mata Hari back to her own slip. She could see the apparent hesitation and shyness in his eyes as if he was nervous that she might not want to join him. But nothing could have been further from the truth. She loved it that he was asking for her company; she loved it that he wanted to sail with her, and she had told him so.

She still wasn't sure what was going on between them. She had let her nerves get the better of her the other night as she had prepared for their blackmail dinner at Spencer's. Her suggestion that they have dinner and then take it from there had caused her to teeter between dread and excitement all evening long. But in the end, "taking it from there" had only meant companionable conversation and a wonderful sense of comfort and awe at their growing friendship. The only remarkable thing that had happened between them seemed so simple and innocent that she was still trying to figure out what it meant. Lee had offered her his hand like he often did when he had helped her from his car – and then he hadn't let it go. He had taken her hand in his larger, stronger one and had held onto it as if it was the first time he had ever held a girl's hand in his. His hand had even felt the slightest bit sweaty, and they hadn't spoken a word to each other as they walked into the restaurant. She still couldn't get the sensation out of her mind. They had held each other's hands numerous times, from very early on in their acquaintance, while running away from bad guys or bombs or in the woods. But they weren't running away from anyone or anything, this was an off the clock dinner date with no cover, and Lee seemed to have no intention of letting her hand go. She felt so girlish reviewing it over and over again in her mind, but she couldn't help it. She had no idea how to interpret it and what to do with the different ideas she had about what it meant to hold hands with Lee Stetson. All that she knew was that thinking about it made her insides do nervous summersaults, and at the same time, she relished the comfort that she felt when she was with him.

He had taken her hand again yesterday as they had left the convalescent home. His action had taken her by surprise, but she didn't want him to know it. It was easier for her to interpret his action that time when she could think about it in the context of the case they had been working on. From early on that morning, she could tell that something about this case was really bothering him. She knew that Bart and Colleen had been friends that meant something to Lee, and she wanted to be a support to him as they worked through this case. Even when he had gotten condescending about her sailing abilities, it hadn't swayed her resolve. She knew that there was so much more to learn about Lee, and being patient with him, even when he got short tempered, was the best way to get to know him.

Spending a night on a boat had turned out to be another way to get to know him better as well. There had been times in the past when they had been holed up for the night together and Lee had certainly been comforting, but he had never been as chatty as he was this night. She swallowed a small giggle as she thought of their quiet onboard picnic last night. Wrapped in their own blankets, munching on grapes and cheese and sipping wine while swapping life's stories was another moment with Lee Stetson, world class spy, for her to ponder. She had mentioned earlier that day that she had thought that his cover of two fun-loving old salts sailing up the Potomac was a bit flimsy. He had suggested that they could build on it. Had "building on it" been like her "taking it from there"? She couldn't believe that Lee Stetson had collected four black books of high society "friends" by holding hands and having wine and cheese chat sessions into the middle of the night followed by a candle that needed to burn all night to disperse his fear of the dark? Maybe she was getting to know a whole other side of Lee, one that he hadn't often revealed? Maybe Lee had really changed? Or maybe she was just that really good friend that he was comfortable hanging out with, and he had no intention of changing his behavior with the other women that he mixed with in other, faster circles? Maybe she just shouldn't give it a whole lot of thought.

All that she really did know was that she had a partner, a real partner… in her work at least. Lee wasn't a partner for every aspect of life like she still dreamed of having. But that was fine, she had never thought that would be possible with him anyway, and whatever was happening between them was a pleasant diversion to ponder at the moment, if anything. It was still so impractical to imagine their new comfort with each other would fulfill any of her other dreams, but he was a partner, now more than ever before. He had easily chosen her to help him speak with Colleen. She was the one to push him back into the fight with the Senator's goon. He had even shared his fear of the dark with her. She had kept her watch and awakened him in time to catch the Cummings. And when the Cummings had caught them searching their boat, he had told them that they were both federal agents. And then Lee had left her at the docks to watch them while he had gone back to the Agency! She had been able to leave him signals even though she had been captured, and he had found her and grabbed that Senator while she had held the rest of the bad guys at gun point! And then the two of them had been able to reunite Bart and Colleen. Not bad for a couple of days work for the two of them.

The two of them…. It really did feel like the two of them were a unit. She had known that all that she had experienced working with Lee had changed her; it had given her something meaningful to do that she knew was making the world a safer place for her children. She had always dreamed of her life reaching beyond her little corner of her suburban neighborhood. Life hadn't gone as she had hoped when she was that young girl dreaming dreams as she sailed with her father each summer, but it had turned out pretty ok. And now, the one thing she was very aware of at that moment was that she didn't feel so alone in the world anymore.

She and Mother had figured out how to raise her boys and run her household together. She had even gained the confidence to try and do the fix-it jobs around the house. Ok, she didn't always get it right, but at least now when something broke, she didn't feel paralyzed and helpless. But now, for the first time since her marriage had begun to unravel, she felt she also had a companion to spend time with and get to know outside of work. Dinners, concerts, sails up the Potomac, meaningful and comfortable conversations, laughter and teasing – even about being the captain and who had to cook in the galley. Maybe someday she would find someone to embrace her whole family, but for now her friendship with Lee – whatever it was- was enough.