Chapter Twenty – The Final Letter

Goldenrod was bright.

That was the first thing I noticed. I had been there before, just briefly while leaving and going to the train station, but that was usually at night when there were only streetlights to light up the path in front of me. But here now, when the sun was only just starting to set, right before the twilight when the sun was at an angle perfect for reflecting off of everything, the city practically glowed.

My first thought was that it was annoying and made it a little bit too hot. Of course, knowing that I had complained too often about the cold back in Sinnoh, I figured that I had no right to complain about the heat now. So, I shoved that thought aside, and my next thought was that it was actually nice. It somehow made everything easier to see.

And May got to see this everyday when she was growing up here. Mossdeep, more often than not, was perpetually clouded over, so even though the temperature was nice, I wouldn't ever call the weather "pleasant". But this… this was pleasant. I could definitely see how happy one could be living in a place like this.

May didn't talk about her life before Hoenn a lot, but I got her to share her secrets once. After prodding her far too often, I thought she would never say anything about it. But it was purely by accident that she did—although I wouldn't say that she wasn't conscious of her decision to say anything. It simply came up in conversation.

"I have a meeting with the gym leaders today," I had told her one morning when we were just sitting around at Ever Grande. It was right after she became Champion, maybe a month or two into her reign, back when she used to visit Ever Grande—and me—all the time. We didn't do much back then. I had a feeling she just liked to hide there. "Want me to say hi to your dad for you?"

"No," she responded curtly, as if she was talking to him and not me. She had always been a little bitter whenever she spoke about her dad, yet when she beat him and got his badge, she had been really excited telling me about it. "I used to be able to talk to him all the time. Back when we were in Johto, he would come home from training and tell me all about it. He was just a trainer in a gym back then, but at least I saw him. I loved living in Johto."

"You don't like Hoenn?" I nudged her with my elbow, slightly joking, but when she looked at me, she was completely somber. "Hey, it's just his job. You're usually busy now, too. And if it's any consolation, you know I barely talk to my dad—that's part of being an adult, right? Moving on from your parents and stuff? Huh?"

She smiled then, finally nudging me back with her elbow. "I guess so. Anyways, Hoenn is pretty nice, too. Just different."

I didn't realize, of course, how different she thought it was, and I didn't think that she really thought it "nice". In Johto, she didn't have to save the whole region. But then, who was to say that if she stayed there she wouldn't have stopped Team Rocket instead of Lyra? Would Johto have been as different as Hoenn?

Johto and Hoenn were different, though. I could give her that much. Even though they were right next to each other in terms of geography, they couldn't have been further apart in terms of culture. As soon as we stepped out of the train station and onto the sidewalk, Nate, Lyra, and I got smiles from everyone walking by. People were friendly here. Maybe it was all the sun.

It wasn't that people in Hoenn weren't friendly. They were. But people in Hoenn were more… well, like me. Kind of reserved, a little antisocial. We could be nice, but we didn't go out of our ways to smile at strangers. That friendliness paired with the sun shining way too brightly was a little overwhelming while, at the same time, strangely therapeutic.

"My eyes. I think I'm going blind," Nate said, holding his hands out in front of him and closing his eyes. Lyra took hold of his wrist, pulling him forward along the sidewalk, and I rolled my eyes. A part of me wondered if he did that on purpose just so she would hold onto him. The other part of me knew that he did.

"Lyra, you know where Camp Road is?" I asked, and she stopped, while Nate kept going and almost knocked her over.

She dropped Nate's wrist and pointed, squinting up at some of the street signs. "Yeah, it's just up here. Not a far walk at all. I'll show you!"

Without further warning, she grabbed Nate's wrist again and pulled, breaking into a sprint. I followed closely behind, listening to Nate complain about how she was pulling his arm out of its socket the whole time, but she never stopped. She kept running and running, and I wondered if she wanted this game to be over more than I did. After I reminded her of her rather unpleasant past, I didn't exactly blame her.

And then we found it. Number 16. It reminded me a lot of her house in Littleroot, actually, despite the fact that it was plopped in between two other houses and had no yard at all. In fact, it wasn't really anything like her house in Littleroot. This one was only one-story, a flat little house that looked like it went further back than side-to-side. And it was a different color entirely, a golden brown brick rather than wood-paneled.

But somehow, it was just like her house in Littleroot. I couldn't exactly figure out why. Maybe it was just because I knew that she once lived here, once stepped out that front door and played jump rope with her friends or hopscotch on the hot brick pavement. This was long before she became a trainer, back when she was just a little girl. She was different then, too. But she would eventually become the best.

"Do you want to see if anyone is home?" Lyra asked, and I shook my head. There was no point in bothering the new tenants—although "new" wasn't exactly true anymore. They had probably lived in the house longer than May had now. I wondered if they knew that the previous tenants' daughter was a champion in another region. I wondered if they knew she was missing.

"I like it," Nate announced, stepping closer to the house and turning around to face us. When Lyra and I stared at him, he rolled his eyes. "What? May said to see what she saw standing outside her house."

"You're right," I told him, and I stepped up next to him, turning around and facing the same way as he did now. Lyra followed, lining up on the other side of Nate and facing the street, too.

We all stood there for a moment, glancing around the road to see what May had once seen. Camp Road was kind of off the main street, situated in what seemed like a secluded neighborhood. The street itself was a dead end, leading only to houses, but maybe that was the point. Camp Road was a dead end…

"It's so… urban," Nate said after a minute or so, crossing his arms with a huff. "Where's a kid supposed to play in a place like this?"

"The street, I guess." Lyra jumped down into the road, playing hopscotch with the bricks. "I'm sure she made due. Besides, Route 34 and Route 35 are to the south and north of here—kids are always playing in the fields there. My friend Ethan's grandparents run a Pokémon daycare center down on Route 34, and the Goldenrod kids are always going there to watch the Pokémon play."

May used to play with her dad's Pokémon, too. I could practically picture the little May shouting commands, imitating her dad. She probably battled wild Pokémon in the fields on Routes 34 and 35.

"You think we've looked long enough? You've already written your letter, right, Steven? Why don't we go find hers?" Nate suggested, and I nodded. I didn't know what May wanted me to see exactly, but that was probably the point of making me come here. There wasn't anything in particular that she wanted me to see. She just wanted me to look.

We snuck through the alley on the side of May's old house to the road behind it. The loose brick was an easy find. As soon as Lyra stepped on it, she nearly tripped, and it made a soft clicking noise against the other bricks.

My stomach was a little queasy, and my heart pounded so hard against my chest that I thought it might break through. This was it—the last letter. I didn't know why I was so nervous… but I was. A part of me didn't want to lift that brick to see what was below, but why wouldn't I? May was waiting for me to find her.

Nate patted my shoulder, smiling at me and holding his thumb up. I inhaled slowly, swallowing to keep down whatever threatened to come up, and picked up the brick. Sure enough, the corner of a dirty envelope stuck up from the mud beneath the brick, and I tugged on the corner to release it. It was a little gross, but the letter inside was completely protected.

I slipped my finger beneath the flap and ripped the envelope open. With another deep breath, I unfolded the paper inside.

Dearest Adventurer,

I want to thank you for allowing me to put you through this game. I understand that you had to give up not only time as a sacrifice for this journey, but you had to give me much of yourself, too. I admire the fact that you stuck it out until the very end, which I was unable to do. You are a better person than I, and I wish you all the best as you continue on the adventure we call life without my letters.

That's right, friend. As promised, this is the end of the road, my final letter to you. If I was around to witness what you did for me and the things you have said, I'm sure that it would have been both beautiful and entertaining. You have done what I was unable to do. I meant what I said in my last letter to you. Anyone can do good things, and I hope you remember that.

If you were someone that I knew, please know how sorry I am. I realize that I probably put everyone close to me into a panic by leaving, but know that I am happier now than I have ever been. And if my selfishness does not console you, please bring this letter to whomever needs to read it. Protect all of the people you need to protect because I know you are that kind of person.

If I did not know you, then I would have been glad to have met you. I'm sorry that I put you through all of this for a person you never even met, but I hope it was worth your while. If you dislike me for what I did and who I became, then I'm sure you are not alone. If you do not dislike me, then perhaps we are even more alike than I thought. Be careful not to lose yourself.

I leave you, my dearest Adventurer, with this last piece of advice: when you aim for the sun, be sure not to get too close. You may fall into the sea and find yourself abandoned.

With all of the love I have left,

Ex-Champion May

No… No…

That couldn't be it. That couldn't be everything. There had to be more, there had to be… something, something somewhere! There had to be another letter, another clue, another anything—something that told me where she was! I didn't come all of this way—all the way around this damn country—just to find a piece of paper!

How, after all this time, could she have done this to me? Why would she leave me with just a note but nowhere to go? Didn't she understand how much I loved her, how much I… I wanted to find her? Didn't she know?

"May!" I yelled, throwing the letter to the side and dropping to my knees. I could hear Nate and Lyra scrambling for the letter behind me, but I didn't care. I tore up the earth beneath the brick, digging and searching for something that the rational side of my brain told me I would never find. My frantic scratching screamed around me, all I could hear, a melodic desperation that only brought tears to my eyes. But I kept digging and digging anyway until my fingers were black, praying that she wouldn't let me down in the end.

But there was nothing there. I stopped digging, kneeling against the ground in disbelief. I felt Nate squat down beside me, but I ignored him when he reached a hand out in front of me. No, I wasn't giving up yet. This wasn't the end. There had to be another letter somewhere. I just… I must have skipped over something in her letter.

"Steven," Nate said quietly, shaking the hand he held out in front of me. I stood up without it, turning around and gesturing for Lyra to give me the letter. Her bottom lip trembled as if she was fighting back tears, and she passed the letter back to me and looked down.

I read it again and again and again. There was no clue… no clue number whatever we were on. Eight maybe? Did it matter?

"Steven, it's over—there's nothing…" Nate stopped, hesitating, but I didn't look at him. "I mean, we can keep looking. I'll keep looking with you. Just… Steven, don't… don't let yourself think that she's gone or anything. She's out there somewhere waiting for you. You just need to… to keep looking for her."

Gone? Everything in that letter pointed to the fact that she was dead! Was he dense? Was he really that dense? It was written out for him right here in the letter I was holding! He read it—he saw it! She was absolutely gone!

So, I didn't want to be the one to find her like that…

I let the letter slip from my fingers again, and it fell slowly to the ground. Lyra and Nate were just standing, staring, but I still couldn't bring myself to look at them. I walked down the road a little bit, unable to stand near that letter anymore. But I didn't know where I could go. Where was I supposed to go?

"Steven, come on, wait a minute. We need to talk about this."

Of course Nate couldn't give me a minute to myself… I didn't want to even see his face anymore—I knew what I would see in it. And when he touched my shoulder, I yanked myself away. Couldn't he just leave me alone?

"Steven, look at me," Nate demanded, his tone firmer, and I could see him reach for me again out of the corner of my eye. I smacked his hand away, turning back around to face him but continuing to avoid his gaze. "Just tell us what you need us to do!"

"You don't get it!" I yelled at him, throwing my hands up in the air in exasperation. I needed him to leave me alone! "You have no idea. What the hell is the point of continuing? She's not going to be there. And what is your point? What can you gain from this? What have you gained? Nothing!"

"I just wanted to feel something again, Steven!" Nate shouted, pushing me backwards. I looked away again, but I could feel his letter sticking out in my pocket. "For so long, I've felt nothing at all. At least she felt something. At least she felt pain. She felt it enough to change this world we live in! So, are you just going to stand here and give up, or are you going to keep on fighting? Because I want to fight now, Steven! May made me want to fight!"

I didn't say anything. May promised that I would change by playing this game, and maybe that applied to all of the players. Nate, standing here in front of me, was so different from the boy I first met. But I didn't want to change. I wanted to go back to the beginning, to never have played this game, to have never met Nate.

"Look at me, Steven. Damn it, Steven, look at me!" Nate pleaded, and I curled my hands into fists. He pushed me again, and I finally socked him a good one, hitting him right in the jaw because I didn't care anymore. He fell down to the ground, and Lyra cried out, kneeling down beside him. And while he sat on the ground rubbing his face, I finally looked at him.

He didn't look the least bit angry with me. His eyebrows weren't furrowed in a rage, his eyes not narrowed into slits. The look he gave me instead was pitying. His lips were pressed together, his gaze soft. And it made me so disgusted seeing that look that I had to turn away, my whole body shaking in anger.

"I'm going home," I told them. I pulled the letter to Nate out of my pocket and tossed it on the ground, letting it fall just like May's final letter before I walked away from them forever.

When I turned a corner, I sent my Skarmory out and ordered it to bring me back to Hoenn, climbing on its back and letting it carry me away.

I knew I shouldn't have been angry or upset. I knew forever that there was always a possibility that May would be dead—and I had convinced myself that if she was, I would be okay. I had accepted—or thought I accepted—her death. But I was also so sure that she was alive. So hopeful. And this was my punishment for hoping.

The flight back home wasn't long, but it still gave me too much time to think. Considering how often May had made me cry over the course of her game, I had no tears left. The only thing I felt now was betrayal, as though May promised me that she was the prize in the end. But, I realized, I had only convinced myself of that.

When I made it back home, I walked inside and into the bathroom, throwing off my dirty clothes and hopping into the shower. I had left some of my stuff in Nate's bag, but I didn't really care. He could keep it—my gift to him.

I got out of the shower after spending too much time in it again, and I wrapped a towel around myself, wiping the fog off the mirror with my arm. When I saw my reflection, I shook my head and laughed. Had I gotten so used to crying that I couldn't even feel tears anymore? And here I thought I had nothing left.

Who was I kidding? What a joke.

May was dead…

I shouldn't have left that letter behind. Jameson was going to find out that I was back in Hoenn soon enough, and when he did, I knew for a fact that he would incarcerate me, whether he thought I did it or not. Hell, I read that letter enough times that I probably had it memorized now—it would be easy enough to reproduce. But not in her handwriting—not the script that had become so familiar to me.

Well, we had all lost in the end. The game bore no victor. She was right, though. Without the reward, what was the point of doing anything good?

She was never Icarus at all. It was me—all along, it was me. My hubris. I was so sure that May would be at the end of this, so convinced by my own abilities, that I couldn't accept the alternative. As long as it was me looking for her, there was no way that I wouldn't find her. Why else would I have gone through with this? Why else didn't I give that first letter to the police?

Fuck Icarus. He ruined everything. Why'd he have to fly across the sun, anyway?

What did she write at the end? Her final piece of advice? When you aim for the sun, be sure not to get too close. You may fall into the sea and find yourself abandoned. Ridiculous. I had been flying too close all along, and I'd already fallen. Now here I was, staring at my reflection in my mirror, my only companion now. Abandoned, huh?

Wait.

Wait.

What if… what if her final piece of advice wasn't advice at all but a clue? Maybe I was reading into it too much, but she did the same thing for me. She read into the letter I left her too much, as well, and that was how she found me. So, what if it was a clue?

And if that was true… if where I thought this clue led was right, then the answer had been there since the very beginning. The story of Icarus had been there all along, after all.

She did tell me where she was. And I knew exactly where she was waiting for me.

Author's Note: This chapter, even after edits, comes off as very "raw", which was intentional. To me, I wanted the writing to be indicative of Steven's emotional state—what he is feeling and what he is not. It goes from very dry to very rushed. Hope it makes sense!