Chapter 21
Unrepressed
Songs:
Brand New Day-Joshua Radin
All I Want For Christmas Is You-Mariah Carey (Magnus' Christmas song to Alec)
Merry Christmas Darling-Glee (Alec and Magnus)
Magnus fumbled his way as quietly as he could through the Lightwood home. He had already nearly knocked over a vase, run into a table, and fallen down the steps. He was tired, hungry, and Alec's house wasn't made to be easily maneuverable in the light, let alone pitch dark.
Magnus had woken up in the middle of the night with a craving for food, which he had chosen to ignore for an hour. But, after possessing the inability to fall back asleep, he had chosen to get up and get some food from the kitchen. So now here he was, probably looking like a complete idiot as he tried to make his way around.
Magnus knew the main reason why he couldn't sleep. It was Alec. The day they had shared the day before had been magical and just absolutely beautiful. He couldn't stop thinking about it and it just kept playing over and over in his mind, like a broken record that he never wanted to fix. Every movement, every word, every touch was imprinted in Magnus' senses. It was like a dream, a perfect and amazing dream that for days after, you still hate that you had to wake from it. Only, Magnus didn't have to wake from this dream. It would continue to play, uninterrupted and flawless, into Magnus' days.
I love you.
Magnus couldn't say that there was anything more beautiful then hearing those words. So many people threw those three words around so carelessly, not caring for their meaning or their weight, but Magnus understood. He understood completely how important those three words were and how much they meant. For words so little, they could change so much. They had changed Magnus; someone who believed he would always remain cold and heartless. What he felt for Alec had lit a fire in him, melting all the ice and destroying all the stony walls that caged his heart and soul.
Magnus had always thought that if the day ever came where his heart felt again, he would be scared. But he wasn't scared. He was embracing it with open arms, taking everything that his heart and his life were throwing at him. Alec had changed everything. He had taken his life and flipped it upside down, changing everything Magnus had ever had and believed in. But this new life was brighter, better. He had Alec, who he loved, and who he was going to continue to love with all of his heart. So many years of never feeling anything had lit a fire in Magnus. His heart felt like it didn't have enough to give and that anything he did have, he was going to give it all to Alec. He was going to love Alec and care for him and be everything for him that he had ever wanted. He wasn't going to run from anything anymore but instead he was going to run head first into the love he felt for Alec.
Magnus finally found his way to the kitchen, turning into the large space only to see Jace standing half naked in front of the fridge. Magnus had to admit, he had mixed feelings about the whole Jace thing. Alec had told him it meant nothing and that it was over now because all it ever was was unreasonable infatuation. But Magnus just couldn't shake the whole gravity of the situation. The first man Alec had ever been attracted to had been his adopted brother, and it was only recently that he had shaken those feelings. Of course Magnus believed Alec, but it was the same with him as it was with how Alec felt about William. He knew it was nothing, but still he had a small hint of jealousy over the fact that Jace had had Alec's attention and heart for so many years. A small part of Magnus still felt like there was a possibility Alec's feelings could resurface. Ridiculous, yes, but not entirely unreasonable.
"Couldn't sleep?" Magnus leaned against the doorframe as he looked at Jace. Magnus could see why Alec would be attracted. Jace had the face most guys would kill for, and the face most girls dreamed of. Personally, Magnus couldn't care much for the pretty boy look, but hey, that was just him.
Jace looked up from the fridge. "I was hungry." He took out the milk before he shut the door, walking over to the cupboards. "You?"
"Same." Magnus crossed over to the island as Jace removed a box of Oreo cookies from the cupboard.
"Cookies and milk?"
"Sure."
Jace poured two glasses of milk before moving to sit across from Magnus. He opened the box, taking out a few before passing them to Magnus. They both ate a few cookies in semi-uncomfortable silence. It wasn't that they didn't like each other or anything, although Jace could be extremely annoying to the point that Magnus wanted to strangle him, but they just hadn't had the chance to talk, just the two of them. Magnus had had ample time with Isabelle because they clicked so easily but he and Jace didn't share too much in common, leaving them little to talk about. And now they were eating Oreo cookies in nearly pitch dark, and at three in the morning no less. Magnus figured he might as well start bonding, especially if he planned on being in Alec's life for a very long time.
"Jace..."
"Just tell me what your plans are with him Magnus." Jace was just as quick to jump to the point as he was, he liked that.
"I don't plan on hurting him, if that's what you want to know." Their gazes met, locking in place as an almost electric shock passed in the air between them. The tension was fully present, vibrating through each tiny air particle.
"No one ever plans on hurting people Magnus, but it happens. Sometimes people do things they never intend to do. I just need to know that you're serious with Alec. I don't want to see him get his heart broken Magnus. I'll admit I'm no expert in love, but I see the way he looks at you. Can't say I've been a stranger to it."
Magnus' breath caught in his throat. Shit. He knew. This was not good, not good at all. "You know?"
"Well, I speculated. But between your reaction and Isabelle accidently stating earlier that it was a good thing Alec had moved on, I think it's safe to say I'm right."
"Alec didn't want you to know."
"He didn't want me to know that he cries every time he watches Bambi either, but I do."
"Wait, he cries when he watches Bambi?" Now that he was going to hold over Alec's head until the end of time. It made him wonder what else he didn't know about Alec. He figured he might just have to have a little girl talk with Isabelle.
"Every time the hunter shoots Bambi's mom. It's priceless, really. But, that's beside the point here Magnus. I may act like an idiot sometimes, but I'm not."
"I might dispute that."
Jace glared at Magnus, ignoring the comment. "Look, I know how Alec used to feel for me, and I'll admit, it's weird, but I guess I understand. After seeing everything with him coming out to my parents, and telling me, I can see just how scared he was. I guess I was the safe choice, the way out of facing his fears. I guess I can take it as a compliment really." Magnus rolled his eyes at that comment. Leave it to Jace to find some way to inflate his own ego with something like this. "But I can see that he's gotten over it now. He's found you. And I'm going to say this once, and only once, simply because it's three in the morning, I'm tired, and I'll never be in the condition to say it again since I'm not sure I really like you yet, and come morning, I'll get a bigger thrill out of pissing you off. So here it goes. I'm glad my brother found you. He seems really happy. He's not mopey anymore , which believe me is a damn improvement, and he's joking around, something I didn't even think was programmed in Alec's genes. He just seems so much more alive and I think we all owe that to you. So thank you." The last few words were slightly choked out. Yep, Magnus was pretty sure he was never going to hear those words ever again from Jace's mouth. "Now what do you say we have an Oreo race?"
Magnus looked up at Jace, more than mildly confused from both the question and the change of topic. But he wasn't really surprised with the change of conversation direction. One thing Magnus realized was that Jace wasn't one to drag serious things past the point they needed to be. He said what he needed to say and went on with life, normally with a joke or sarcastic comment. "I'm sorry?" What the hell was an Oreo race?
"An Oreo race?" Magnus shrugged, enforcing the point he had no idea what Jace was talking about. "You've never heard of an Oreo race? Jesus, have you been living under a rock?"
"No, I don't believe so."
Jace laughed. "Okay, first you twist the Oreo apart, and then you lick off the cream and show the other person. Then you dunk it in the milk and eat it. Whoever finishes chewing first wins. Got it?"
"Sounds easy enough." Magnus couldn't help but compare Jace to a five year old child sometimes. Well, that was when he wasn't considering how much of an asshole he was. Maybe it was because it was so early in the morning and neither of them could sleep, but Magnus felt more like a kid then a grown man. Then again, didn't they say it was always good to let loose and be kid every once in a while?
"Alright on 3. 1, 2, 3!"
Magnus twisted his cookie, licked off the cream, showed Jace, dunked it and started chewing. He was about half way done when he got a full shot of Jace's mouth, minus an Oreo cookie.
"I won! But then again, I never lose."
"That can always change. I challenge you to a rematch."
"A rematch? Oh, bring it on."
Both boys laughed as they prepared another cookie. Magnus lost, but to hell with it; he enjoyed himself and he'd bonded with Jace. The man was still an inconsiderate, ridiculous pain in the ass, but he had his good qualities. They weren't as plentiful as Jace's misguided ego led him to believe, but they were there, albeit buried underneath miles of sarcasm, narcissism, and an extreme sense of superiority and self-esteem. But he really wasn't half bad. He cared about Alec, something they had in common, he wanted the best for Alec, and accepted him. It said a lot more about Jace than Magnus had thought when he'd found out he had accepted Alec that easily.
And hey, there weren't many people who could say they'd beat Magnus at something, even if it was a race about who could eat a chocolate and cream cookie drenched in milk the fastest.
Alec tossed over onto his other side for what had to have been the umpteenth time that night. He couldn't sleep. But like that was any surprise. He hadn't been able to sleep all week. He wanted to say it was just because he was cold but he knew it was so much more than that. He wanted Magnus, and he wanted him bad. He knew it sounded pathetic but he just couldn't sleep without him. He was so used to having Magnus next to him, to having that solid being around him to hold him while he fell asleep. It helped too that Magnus was a human furnace because Alec's body had an internal heating problem and he was always cold. Which was why he was freezing now.
Alec snuggled closer into his blankets, wrapping them around himself. He honestly couldn't get Magnus out of his head. When he was with him, Magnus was all he saw, and when he wasn't with him, Magnus was all he could think about. Magnus had quickly and surely become his life, his everything, and Alec was more than perfectly okay with that. Alec never expected to get much out of romance. He had actually resigned himself at one point to the conclusion he would never get any, but here he was. He had a man who he loved and who loved him back. He was happy and the future had never looked brighter. Everything was perfect, just perfect, and nothing could ruin that.
Alec flinched out of his reverie as his attention sparked to life when he heard the door creak open. He turned over to face the door, catching a glimpse of Magnus' shadow before he closed the door behind him, shutting out any light from the room.
"Magnus, what are you doing?" Alec whispered loudly. They both knew he shouldn't be there. If Alec's parents caught them, they were dead. It was pretty explicitly, and none too gently, expressed by Alec's parents that they weren't to share a room together. But Magnus was never the kind to listen to rules so Alec was just foolish in thinking Magnus would stay in his own room.
"Ow, fuck!" Magnus hissed between his teeth as Alec heard him bump into a table.
"Magnus!" Alec warned. Their house echoed and Alec's father wasn't the deepest of sleepers so the least Magnus could do was keep it down.
"I'm sorry, I didn't exactly know there was a damn table there. Now could you at least turn on a light or do you want me to break something before I get to you?"
"I don't know. It's been quite interesting listening to you manoeuvre my room in the dark so far."
"Haha, real funny Alexander. Now come on, my foot really hurts and I know there's a chair around here somewhere that I am very likely to hit."
"Not so ninja after all, now are you?" Alec teased and he knew, even though he couldn't see it, that Magnus was glaring at him.
"Shut up. Now come on, or do you enjoy leaving me hanging?"
"Oh, like you don't leave me hanging?"
"I would never do such a thing," Magnus said innocently. "Now please?"
Alec sighed, giving in. He leaned over, flipping the switch on his table lamp so that the light illuminated the room. He looked over at Magnus who was partially dressed in black silk pyjama pants that Alec knew he only adorned because he wasn't going to walk down the hallway naked when there were other people in the house. Magnus' arms were outstretched in front of him in the manner of one who was feeling his way through a room and, sure enough, he was about two feet from running face first into Alec's computer chair.
Alec raised an eyebrow at Magnus. "Happy now?"
"Just giddy." Magnus straightened, and Alec caught him flex the toes on his left foot where they had made contact with the desk. He started across the room to Alec.
Alec sat up, moving over to make room on his bed for Magnus. Magnus lifted the covers, sliding his body underneath them and overtop of Alec. Any earlier need that Alec had had to fall asleep dissipated and now all he could think about was the fire that burned inside him with the closeness of their bodies. Every part of Alec's body was suddenly a hot wire, alive and sparking.
"I couldn't sleep." Magnus looked down at Alec, his hair falling in thick black strands around his face. Alec loved it when it was this way-no gel, no colour, nothing.
"I can see that."
Magnus smiled, placing a soft kiss to Alec's lips. "I missed you."
"I can see that too. You taste like Oreos." Alec raised an eyebrow, his comment eliciting a laugh from Magnus.
"I just finished having an Oreo racing competition with your brother."
"Who won?"
"Well me of course."
"My brother never loses." Alec said, in doubt of Magnus' comment.
"There's a first time for everything."
"Uh-huh." Alec rolled his eyes, sighing. "So why were you with Jace?"
"I couldn't sleep. I went downstairs to get some food and Jace was there. We talked, we ate cookies, and he shared some lovely knowledge about you."
And that was all it took. He blushed red, knowing full well the embarrassment that would follow. This was not good. Alec would admit he had some embarrassing quirks, ones only Isabelle and Jace knew about. But of course, with siblings like his, did he really expect anything to stay secret? Isabelle had already embarrassed him enough by digging up the home videos, so what could Jace have possibly said?
"Lovely knowledge huh? What did he say?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Magnus."
"Just stuff. Although I do suddenly have the need to watch Bambi."
"Oh God." Alec turned his head away from Magnus, burying it in his pillows. He was going to kill Jace. It's not like he could help it. It was just so sad, which was why he strayed away from ever watching that movie. But Jace and Isabelle always insisted on it, simply because they would never let him live it down that he cried. Sometimes, he hated having siblings and almost thought life would be easier without them. But then again, he still wouldn't trade them in for anything.
Magnus placed a hand under Alec's chin, lifting his head out of the pillow. Alec looked up at Magnus, meeting his eyes in the dark. "I think it's cute that you cry during Bambi."
"It's embarrassing."
"Everyone has their quirks Alec; even if yours are plentiful," Magnus teased.
"Shut up."
Magnus shrugged. "Okay." He leaned down, placing a kiss to Alec's lips. His hand moved to the back of Alec's neck as he pulled Alec's bottom lip between his teeth, teasing the sensitive skin. Alec moaned against Magnus' mouth, taking in each and every sensation that pulsed through his body. He moved his hands to Magnus' bare sides, pulling him closer against him. Alec was addicted. It was that simple. He felt empty and lost without Magnus near him, but charged and fully alive with even a simple look at Magnus. He was hooked and he never wanted to let go.
Magnus moved away from Alec's lips, placing soft kisses down the line of his jaw and over his collarbone. Alec shivered beneath Magnus as his lips worked their way across Alec's sensitive skin. "You know this is a bad idea right?"
"Kissing you? Since when was that bad?"
Alec laughed. "No. You being here. You could get caught and..." Alec stopped when Magnus placed a finger to his lips.
"Shh. We won't get caught. Your bedroom is at the other end of the house from your parents, Isabelle and Jace understand enough to keep their mouths shut, and Max won't know any better. So I'm staying the night, because it's Christmas morning and you're a lot more appealing to wake up to then that hideous green duvet in the guest room. Is that okay with you?"
"Well, when you put it that way, I guess you can stay."
Magnus smiled, laying another kiss to Alec's lips, before moving off of him to turn off the light and take up a spot next to him. Alec rolled over to face Magnus, their bodies only a few inches apart. Magnus' hand moved to Alec's face, brushing his hair behind his ear, before dropping his hand slowly to entwine with Alec's. He looked down at them both before looking up to meet Alec's eyes.
"Merry Christmas Alec."
"Merry Christmas Magnus."
"All I want for Christmas is youuuuu, baby!"
Alec groaned, turning over in his bed, covering his ears with his pillow.
"All I want for Christmas is youuuuu, baby!"
"Magnus, shut up!" Alec buried himself deeper underneath the pillow, trying his best to drown out Magnus' singing.
"Come on Alec, it's Christmas! Sing with me baby."
Alec groaned. He hated singing; especially in the morning. He felt the bed shift beneath him as Magnus sat next to him. He held on tighter to the pillow as Magnus tried to tug it away from him. Unfortunately, Magnus was stronger than Alec was at this hour and won out. "I hate you." Even Alec could hear that there was no meaning behind his words.
"Nope, you love me." Magnus placed a soft kiss to Alec's mouth. "Merry Christmas darling."
"Merry Christmas Magnus." Alec looked up at Magnus who was way too chipper for this time of morning. Alec guessed it was a onetime thing simply because it was Christmas.
"Now come on, get up. I want to give you your presents."
"Presents?"
"Yeah, you know, they're typically wrapped in paper with big bows and ribbons on them. They're found under colourful lighted trees.
"Oh, shut up." Alec sat up simply because he knew Magnus wouldn't stop bugging him if he didn't. Alec rubbed his eyes, yawning as he stood up. "Just let me brush my teeth." He moved slowly into the bathroom, leaving a chipper and carol filled Magnus behind. In the process of brushing his teeth, Magnus cycled through partial bits of Jingle Bells, Silent Night, You're A Mean One Mr. Grinch, and some other song Alec didn't know. Alec loved Magnus, he did, but there was one thing Magnus was not good at, and that was singing. Alec knew he couldn't sing which was why he refrained from it. Magnus knew he couldn't sing but he got a kick out of annoying the shit out of people by doing it anyways.
Alec left the bathroom to see Magnus pacing back and forth, humming The 12 Days of Christmas. "How are you so happy right now?"
Magnus turned to look at Alec. "Because it's Christmas." He paused as he crossed to Alec, wrapping his arms around him. "It's snowing outside, and I'm with you. I couldn't ask for anything better." He leaned down, placing a quick, soft kiss to Alec's lips.
"Me either." Alec smiled, biting his lip. "So, presents?"
Magnus smiled with excitement. "You first." He pulled away, walking over to Alec's computer desk where two rectangular gifts were wrapped in purple and glittered wrapping paper. Big silver bows were attached to the top of them. He handed them to Alec who proceeded to sit down on the edge of his bed with both gifts in his hand.
He looked at Magnus questioningly. He wanted to trust that the gifts inside weren't as glittery as the wrapping paper, but he just wasn't so sure.
"Don't look at me like that Alexander. I promised you that I wouldn't buy you anything made of bright colours or glitter and so I didn't. I just made the wrapping paper that way."
Alec sighed, looking down at the gifts. He grabbed the one on the bottom, setting the smaller one aside. He started at the gift, opening it slowly. He ripped off the wrapping paper, letting it drop to the ground as he took in the box in his hands. It was a miniature telescope. Alec smiled, laughing softly as he remembered their first date and how he had completely geeked out on Magnus.
"I noticed you didn't own one. Plus, I find it really sexy when you geek out on me."
Alec went to say something in protest but stopped himself. He looked up at Magnus. "I love it. Thank you." He did. It wasn't bright coloured or glittered, but it was the perfect gift for Magnus to give. Not everybody gave their boyfriend a telescope, except, well, Magnus. The gesture was perfect. Alec had actually always wanted one but had been too lazy to buy one since his last one had broken a few years back. Now he had one and could geek out all over again, much to Magnus' amusement.
"Alright, the next one."
Alec set the telescope aside, picking up the smaller one. He unwrapped it quickly, depositing the paper with that of the last present. He looked down. He held a picture, a drawing actually. The scene was outside in the winter and a family was building a very large snowman. Snow fell in the scene and the forest framed their backs, covered in a soft blanket of snow. Upon closer inspection Alec noticed it was his family from only two nights ago. Jace was helping Max roll up the first ball which was already half his size. Isabelle and Alec worked together to finish rolling the second ball while Maryse and Robert were standing next to the snowman, smiling as they watched their kids. They were all smiling, and it was a moment that wasn't very commonly found in print. For once Alec could see happiness in his family, in all of them. Magnus had captured them all perfectly, showing the real face of the Lightwood family. They all had their masks, things they used to hide who they really were, but in this picture Alec saw the faces of his family and that was a first.
Alec felt his heart tug in his chest. It was beautiful. Alec had seen Magnus' drawings before, albeit not some of the more personal ones, but this was so different than anything else he'd seen. This one was a very different light then Magnus' normal work. It was happy. Not that Magnus' other drawings weren't happy, but Magnus preferred darker, more emotional pieces. In this, Alec could almost feel the happiness of his family coming off of the paper. That night had been one of the few nights they had all done something together and they had stayed out for hours, just having fun in the snow. For Magnus to have taken that family moment and captured it, meant everything.
"Magnus, you didn't have to do this."
"I wanted to. I noticed there's an abundance of hilarious home videos in this house but a complete lack of family portraits. I wanted to give you something to remember this and to remember your family."
"It's beautiful."
"Everything I do is beautiful." Magnus grinned, as once again he found the need to inflate his own ego.
Alec smiled, standing up. He walked over to his desk, setting the drawing up against the wall. He opened his drawer, withdrawing a large box, which was wrapped in simple green wrapping paper. He walked back over to Magnus, handing it to him.
Magnus' face lit up like a little kid and Alec couldn't help but smile. With Magnus' happiness, it made Alec wonder what memories of Christmas Magnus had. He hadn't really thought about it until now, but it was seeing that smile and the happiness in Magnus' eyes that made Alec think about it. He knew Magnus' life hadn't been anywhere close to easy, so what had Christmas been like for him? Did he have a Christmas? Alec wasn't going to put voice to those thoughts in fear of ruining Magnus' perfect happiness, but he still wondered. Was this the first Christmas he'd had? Was that why he was so happy?
Magnus shook the box slightly before ripping the paper off faster than Alec could blink.
He opened up the box, a bigger smile crossing his face as he took in the contents. "You heard me bitching."
"It's not like you were going to let me not hear it. I hope its okay. I'm not an artist so I just relied on the lady at the store. She said this was best."
"It's perfect." Magnus had been bitching for weeks about how he was running out of art supplies. But being Magnus, he was too damn lazy to get his ass up and down to the store to buy more himself. So Alec had taken it upon himself to get Magnus what he needed before Magnus procrastinated for so long that he ran out completely.
"You like it?"
"I love it." Magnus set the present aside, leaving nothing in the way of getting to Alec. He took Alec's hands in his, meeting his gaze. "I love you." He leaned forward, capturing Alec's lower lip with his, pulling it out from beneath Alec's teeth. One hand moved to cup Alec's face, pulling him deeper into the kiss. Magnus pulled away slightly, keeping his forehead in contact with Alec's as he met his eyes. He smiled as he massaged a finger across Alec's skin.
"Thank you for everything Magnus. This week has been amazing." It was so much more than anything Alec had hoped for. He'd always loved Christmas. It was the one time of the year where his family really came together as a family, and to get to spend it with Magnus was so much better. To have them accept Magnus and to be accepted himself, that was really the only Christmas gift he needed from them. From Magnus, he didn't need anything materialistic. To just have him was enough to make Alec happy. To know that he loved Magnus and that Magnus loved him back, that was a good enough present for him.
"Well considering I'm here, I'm not really surprised." They both just smiled as Magnus rubbed his nose against Alec's softly. "Merry Christmas darling."
"Merry Christmas to you too. Now I've got something else for you." Alec added.
"Something else? Alec, this has been enough." Magnus leaned back, looking into Alec's eyes questioningly.
"Just come with me." Alec took Magnus' hand, pulling him up off the bed as he led him out of the room.
"Don't open your eyes yet."
"Not opening."
Magnus could hear Alec moving around the room, his movements almost nervous. Many things cycled through his head about what it could be that Alec had made him cover his eyes before seeing it. Magnus had thought that that morning had been the end of their Christmas exchange, but apparently Alec had other plans.
"Okay, open."
Magnus opened his eyes, seeing first Alec in the centre of the room and then the room itself. While exploring the Lightwood home earlier that week, Magnus had stumbled upon an empty corner of the house. The room was normal sized, white walls and simple wooden flooring, but it wasn't the room that had caught Magnus' attention. It was the view that he had come to love. A large window took up half the wall, overlooking the ground below.
The Lightwood's lived at the end of a mile long drive in the middle of the forest, overlooking a large lake beneath a small cliff. It was breathtaking, and Magnus had instantly fallen in love with it. He had spent some time in the room drawing, but his sketchbook was never enough. He had absentmindedly mentioned to Alec how nice it would be to own an easel so he could do bigger pieces easier. He hadn't actually expected Alec to have heard him.
Alec stood next to a tall black easel that was set at an angle to look out at the ground below. Paper and pencils were already set up on it, waiting for Magnus.
Magnus smiled, feeling his heart swell within his chest. This was so beautiful. They were only there another week, but Alec had still set this up for him. He had given Magnus something he had always wanted. The gesture was so simple, but it was perfect. It was everything to Magnus and he couldn't have asked for anything else.
"I know you mentioned how you've been wanting an easel and I know you really like it here, so I set this up for you." Alec bit his lip nervously. Magnus found it adorable that Alec was actually worried he might not like it.
"Alec, it's perfect. I love it." Magnus crossed the room to stand in front of Alec. He took Alec's hands in his own. "You didn't have to do this for me. You've already done enough."
"I wanted to. You said you…"
Magnus placed a finger to Alec's lips. "I know I did. Thank you." He smiled as an idea sparked in his head about what he wanted to draw first.
"Magnus? God, I hate it when you get that look. What are you thinking?"
"Nothing bad Alec, so don't think so little of me. I just wanted to draw you first."
Alec's eyebrows shot up in surprise as a small blush crossed his face.
"Oh, don't act so surprised darling. I draw you all the time."
"Yeah, without my knowing. This is different."
Magnus pouted his lips. "Come on. Please baby?"
"Magnus, don't." Magnus knew that all he had to do was keep up this act and Alec would cave eventually. He loved that Alec had the inability to say no to him.
"Please? I promise it won't be that bad."
Alec crossed his arms over his chest. "I got you this easel to draw the landscape or something, not me."
"What if I drew the landscape and you were in it?" Magnus asked innocently.
Alec rolled his eyes. "No. You know I hate pictures of me."
"Please Alec? Pretty please with a cherry on top?" Magnus stuck out his bottom lip, pouting.
Alec groaned under his breath. "I hate you."
"Is that a yes?" Magnus asked in excitement.
"Yes, that's a yes. But only this once."
Magnus smiled wickedly, rubbing his hands together in excitement. "Good, now strip."
The blush that painted Alec's face was officially the fastest and deepest blush Magnus had ever seen cross his boyfriend's face.
"I am not stripping!"
"Please Alec? I have this fantasy where you're Rose and I'm Jack, only you're not a selfish bitch who hogs the door and lets me die in the end."
"We are not re-enacting the Titanic."
"Oh, come on Alec! It's so much fun. Only, don't re-enact the spitting scene on a boat, it sometimes comes back and hits you in the face."
Alec rolled his eyes. "You can be so unbelievable sometimes, you know that? You can draw me Magnus, but I get to keep my clothes on."
"Fine," Magnus said defeated. "But I can't guarantee they'll stay on," he muttered.
"I'm sorry?"
"Nothing." Magnus laughed silently to himself, catching the glare that Alec sent his way. "Now, go stand in front of the window."
Alec moved in front of the window, taking Magnus literally by just standing in front of it. He wrapped his arms around his chest self-consciously, fiddling with the hem of his sleeve.
Magnus rolled his eyes. The boy was helpless. "Arms down Alec." Alec followed suit. "Now, move more to your left. There that's it. Back up. Angle towards the window. Don't look so depressed. Smile. There. Stay there and don't move."
"But what if I have an itch?" Alec asked innocently.
Magnus laughed as he picked up his pencil. "Let me know and I'll itch it for you."
"What if it's..."
"I'll itch it there too." Magnus smirked, catching the blush that crossed Alec's cheeks. He knew that wasn't what Alec was implying but Magnus liked it none the less.
Alec sighed as Magnus placed the pencil to paper. The lines flew onto the paper effortlessly; his eyes focused more on Alec than the paper itself. The late afternoon sun fell perfectly on Alec's pale skin, illuminating the dark shade of his eyes and revealing a deeper glorious blue in his irises. Alec was in no model position, but it fit Alec. Beneath those eyes not even the sun could shine through to each layer of the man. Magnus saw Alec, uncomfortable in his position, but so fitting to the situation. Alec had resorted to crossing one arm over his chest as he leaned against the wall, his eyes searching the ground below. He looked beautiful there, a dark angel beneath the sun. Magnus could have drawn him forever if he could.
"Done." Magnus placed his pencil down on the easel, admiring his work. Maybe it was a biased opinion because it was of Alec, but Magnus actually thought it was one of his best works. He'd captured everything the way it was and he swore he could even see the impatience in Alec's face and the fact Alec was trying not to smile every time Magnus made a comment.
He looked up at Alec who had made his way over to Magnus. "It's beautiful."
"Thanks. I think the dynamic with the sun over the water in the background is the best part. But I guess the guy in it isn't half bad." Magnus flinched when Alec hit him playfully on the arm. "Alright, he's a bit better than half bad." Magnus laughed, looking at Alec. He wrapped his arms around him, pulling Alec flush against his body.
"Only a bit?"
"Nah, he's a lot better." Magnus leaned down, taking Alec's lips with his. The kiss was simple; long, deep, but simple. Alec had been taunting him for the last hour just standing there. Drawing Alec always elicited a strong feeling in Magnus. No matter what he drew, he was always emotionally entrapped in the art, and with Alec, his emotions were as high as they could be. With each line and curve all he could think about was what he had with Alec and how much he loved the boy. Each stroke of the pencil came to represent something he loved about Alec, each curve a memory the two had shared. He would engrave in his work the person's story, and he would etch with such force the way he felt for that person. It was more than just a drawing, but a canvas of lead threads telling a story with each and every line.
Magnus pulled away slowly, still holding Alec close to him. "Thank you Alec."
"For what?" Alec asked.
"For giving me the best Christmas I've ever had." Magnus was being honest. Even Christmases when his mother was alive had been hard. His mother tried her best to give him what she could, but Christmas had never been Christmas. His father spent all their money on booze and even when they did have a tree one year, he got mad and lit it on fire. So Christmas was only slightly different from any other day of the year. And after his mother had died, he never really had a Christmas. His foster families just ignored him and paid attention to their real family, and even when he was on his own, he'd never made a big deal of it. But this, this was like a dream. He was with a family who had accepted him in their arms, he was exchanging gifts, singing Christmas carols, and spending it with the person he loved. It was everything he'd thought Christmas to be and he wouldn't trade it for the world.
Alec smiled. "You're welcome. Thank-you for giving me the best Christmas too."
"Just wait until I give you the best night of your life."
Alec rolled his eyes at Magnus' forward statement. "One day."
"Oh, you're warming up to the idea," Magnus said excitedly.
"I said one day Magnus." The way they talked about such things had grown casual. Magnus was ready when Alec was ready. They'd already had the conversation, so now Magnus took every chance to bring it up just because Alec's reactions were always extremely adorable. He wasn't expecting anything, but a man was allowed to dream.
"Fine, I guess I can wait. I'll just tie myself over by doing this." Magnus placed a kiss to Alec's lips. "And this." He moved to his jaw line. "And this." He moved to the spot behind Alec's ear, sucking softly on the skin there. "I wish we were alone."
"But we are alone," Alec replied innocently as Magnus' mouth explored more of Alec's waiting skin.
"No, alone, alone." Magnus moved his mouth to whisper in Alec's ear. "That way I could do whatever I wanted to you and you could make as much noise as you wanted and no one would hear a thing." He nipped Alec's ear lightly with his teeth, smiling at the shudder that ran through Alec's body. He took that opportunity to push Alec up against the wall, holding his body flush beneath his own.
"Hmm," Alec said breathlessly as he snaked his hands into Magnus' hair. Magnus took that statement as Alec's agreement with him, and it was enough for him.
Magnus finally took Alec's waiting lips with his, done teasing Alec's flushed skin. Magnus' small obsession with Alec's skin was the reason he had convinced Alec to let him buy him a scarf a few weeks ago. His sweaters just didn't do it for covering up hickies.
Magnus moved his hands to Alec's hips, pulling him closer to his body as he slipped his tongue into Alec's waiting mouth. Sparks flew between them, charging the air particles that floated between their bodies. They came together as one, their bodies moulding into a simple entity. Magnus' heart beat in time with Alec's, the soft thud of their hearts the only sound he could hear. He let himself get lost in the feel of Alec's body, his whole existence falling away with perfect ease.
He slipped a hand underneath Alec's sweater, splaying his fingers over the muscular skin of Alec's side as he pulled him closer. He rotated his hips with Alec's, both of them moaning at the connection. He wanted to take him, right here, right now, against the wall. He wanted to lose Alec's sweater and the tight confines of their jeans so that nothing separated them but the thin air between them. It was hard to hold back, but Magnus knew this was neither the time nor place.
"Alec! Magnus! Lunch!"
Alec and Magnus quickly pulled apart at the sound of Isabelle's voice. They looked at each other as they tried to catch their breath, both of their faces flushed from the last 10 minutes. Magnus' heart beat a million miles a minute in the confines of his chest, and his whole body was a live wire.
Magnus looked at Alec, a smile tugging at his lips as he took in Alec's appearance. "You have sex hair."
"Oh, lovely. Yeah, my parents'll just love that." Alec tried pointlessly to brush down his hair, but since it didn't listen on any other day, it wasn't going to listen now.
"I love it."
"Really?" Alec dropped his hands to his side, knowing it was pointless.
"Yep." Magnus pulled Alec back into his arms. "Just like I love you."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. Now come on, I'm starving." Magnus took Alec's hand in his as both of them left the room to go down to lunch.
Yeah, it was perfect. Magnus had never thought that anything could feel as good as this. Alec's family had accepted him, they had said they loved each other, and the week had just been perfect. Magnus felt like he was flying and nothing could bring him down. He knew things would be different when they went back to school since Alec still had one more step to take, but things were better. Alec had seen what it was like to be accepted by the people who he was most afraid of, so maybe now it wouldn't be so hard to find acceptance in strangers. Now maybe they could go public. That thought brought a smile to his face and he just hoped that Alec would follow through with it. He believed Alec could do it, so he just hoped Alec could believe in himself.
Only time would tell. But right now, he was happy and he wasn't going to think about the future. The future could be anything and Magnus was more for living in the present and enjoying each and every second while he could. He had Alec now, they were in love, happy and nothing could bring him down. It was perfect. It was amazing. It was everything Magnus needed to be alive.
The early morning light flickered through the curtains, hitting Magnus' tired eyes. He rolled over, trying to block out the light, but even burying his face in the pillow seemed to fail. He sat up, taking in a deep intake of breath as his body screamed at him in pain. It was like a thousand little knives working their way underneath his skin, cutting at every surface they could find.
It had been a long night, just like countless others he had had in the past. His father had come home late, smelling of liquor and in one of his foul moods. Magnus cringed at the memory, his body still remembering the feel of his father's fists against his bare skin, the feel of the belt cutting where it had cut a dozen times before. His mother had told him to let himself go in these moments, to try and search for a happy place within himself and withdraw into that. She told him to stay strong, that it would get better soon. Magnus wanted to believe her, he did. He just wanted it to end. Every time he looked at his father he tried to imagine the man he had been years ago, before he started drinking. That man had been a good husband, a good father; or at least Magnus wanted to think so. If his father has ever been a semblance of a man Magnus never knew him. He wondered if his mother had ever known him too, or did she marry what he was now? He only knew this man, this skeleton of a man who was dangling uselessly from his own noose.
Magnus stood up tentatively, stretching his sore muscles despite their protests. His stomach growled. It had been almost 24 hours since he'd last eaten. His father had prevented them from eating dinner that night, throwing it in the garbage in his anger. It was hard enough that they didn't have money to afford food and his father didn't make it any easier by throwing it away. His food may be liquid courage but Magnus survived on food, something Magnus never had.
Magnus left his room, walking softly down the hallway and into the kitchen. He stopped when he saw his father on the couch, the sports channel playing softly on the television. His heart skipped in his chest, as his breath caught at the back of his throat. No please. Not again. He thought his father would be gone to work and he could have a few hours peace; a few painless hours. He always dreamed of mornings like these where his father was cooking breakfast and making him lunch for school. He dreamed that his father could be like other fathers, the ones Magnus' friends had. They coached their son's baseball teams, taught them how to fish and change the oil in a car. Magnus' father had taught him nothing. He had his theory about what it meant to be a man, telling Magnus not to cry, to just take the pain like a man. But that was all. So Magnus dreamed. He dreamed of the father he never had, of the husband he never was, and the man that would never be. He held on to that dream, praying and hoping that one day his dad would become his dad. Father's weren't supposed to do this were they? In dreams they didn't; but in Magnus' life, they did.
Magnus flinched inwardly when his father moved to look at him. His eyes were heavy. He wasn't drunk, but the effects lingered on his features. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week, and hadn't taken a shower in twice that time. Magnus liked to think his mother had seen something attractive in the man once upon a time, but every time he tried to find what that something was, he came up with nothing. His mother told him that his father hadn't always been this way; that he had once been a successful businessman who had swept her off her feet from the moment they met. But Magnus didn't see it. He just knew this man, and this man was nothing like his mother said he used to be.
"Magnus, get me a drink."
His father's wordsMagnus hurried into the kitchen, grabbing a glass from the cupboard and filling it with the vodka off the counter. Most fathers asked for water. Magnus' asked for alcohol.
He hurried back into the living room, handing the drink to his father. He didn't meet his eyes. He couldn't. They were just a cold, bottomless pit that once Magnus met them, he couldn't seem to escape them. There was a bright fire burning in them, a fire that licked off his skin and skimmed off each of his words. It ragged within his soul, sprung to life by the fuel that was his vice.
Magnus started to turn away when his father's hand encircled his wrist. God no, please not now. Please. He turned around to face his father, fear vibrating through every nerve in his body. He kept his eyes to the ground, his whole body shaking beneath his father's skin.
"Look at me boy."
Magnus didn't want to. God, how he didn't want to. But he had to or it would just be worse. He looked up, meeting his father's gaze and letting that fire rush over him. It poured between the connection of their bodies, blazing against Magnus' skin and soul. He wanted to run, pull away from the pain that just this simple connection caused. His heart beat faster in his chest, drowning out all sense of anything else around him. All he could see was that darkness and all he could feel was the heat, both of which ate away at every semblance of his being, cutting away at all happy thought and dreams…dreams. Why were they dreams? Why couldn't they be reality? Magnus wished that he could live in a dream forever and escape this…this waking nightmare.
"Magnus, sit. I want to talk to you." He let Magnus go, letting his hand fall to his drink. Magnus rubbed at his arm knowing it would be red for a few hours. His father's hand was an imprint on his skin, one more mark among the many fading ones.
Magnus took a seat in the chair across from his father, waiting, just waiting for him to make his first move. He folded his hands in front of him, wanting so bad to look down at them, or anything else beside his father.
"Son, how much do you know about love?"
Love? Wait, he actually wanted to talk about something? What did he mean?
"Not much sir." His voice shook in his throat as he tried to calm it.
His father took a sip of his drink. "Never fall in love son."
"What... what do you mean?" Magnus was still scared. He'd never seen his father like this. He was so calm, if you wanted to say that. He was just talking with Magnus, something Magnus had only one memory of. And why were they talking about love? Why weren't they talking about the football game on TV or some other random thing? What did love have to do with anything? Magnus didn't even think his father knew what that word meant as he had failed at ever feeling it. But even with the simple choice of topic Magnus was scared of where it would go. His father could change his actions and behaviours at the flip of a dime. So Magnus didn't let himself sink into the oddness of the moment but instead embraced it to make him stronger. He needed to be prepared if something was going to happen, if his father was going to become the father Magnus normally saw.
"To love is to destroy. You will destroy yourself, and you will destroy the woman you fall in love with." He spat in disgust, taking another drink.
Magnus cringed. He didn't plan on falling in love with a woman. He'd just figured that out. He wasn't really sure what it meant, but he knew he didn't want something like his father and his mother had. He was interested in men. Not that he was going to tell his father that. Magnus could kiss goodbye to any chance of falling in love if his father knew he was gay. Magnus could say goodbye to life. So he wouldn't tell him and he would pray to God that he never figured it out.
"What do you mean?"
"Why do you ask so many questions boy?" He snapped and Magnus flinched. His father groaned, taking another drink.
It was at that point that the memory seemed to change. A light film seemed to seep over everything, changing the world around Magnus. Magnus had had this dream, this memory, many times before and this had never happened. This wasn't how it ended. His father went on to flip, just like he always did. As the alcohol burned in his stomach so did his hands against Magnus' skin. He'd never brought up the conversation again, never said much more to Magnus in the year that was to follow.
"You're in love with that boy," he snarled.
"I'm sorry?" Magnus didn't have time to catch the question, instead letting it slip unstopped from his lips.
"Alec." The name slipped from his lips with utter hatred. "God, you're disgusting. Did you not get anything I taught you?" He glared at Magnus, his eyes burning into Magnus' soul. He no longer felt like his 10-year-old self from the memory, but his 20-year-old self, facing down his father. And it still scared him. It still shot a fire to the very depth of his soul, awakening every nerve in his body to feel the pain of his father's word and his skin.
"I didn't even want a kid. But your mother fucked up and had you. I liked to think you'd be just like me, but you were different from the very beginning. I thought I could change you, teach you who you should be. But look at you." His face turned up in disgust. "You're a worthless excuse for my son. And now you've fallen in love with a boy." He took another swig of his drink, finishing it off before slamming it down on the table. "You're not meant to fall in love Magnus. How could someone love a pathetic thing like you? To love is to destroy. I told you it then and I'll tell you it now. You're going to hurt him, break his perfect innocent little heart. Like father, like son."
"I'm not like you!" Magnus stood up, trying with all his might to wake up, but nothing worked. Nothing broke him free of this hell. He was fighting with his own skin, trying to break free of it. He beat at the walls of his soul, fighting to wake himself up. He always woke if he tried hard enough. But nothing worked. The fighting, the inner screaming, nothing made his body wake up.
"You are everything like me. I've denied it. You've denied it. Just as I ran a knife through your mother's heart, you too will run a knife through Alec's."
"No!"
"No!" Magnus shot awake, sweat dripping from his skin as his heart raced out of his chest. "No," he repeated breathlessly. He wrapped his arms around himself trying to calm down his body. That hadn't been a memory, it had been his fears projected in the image of his father. Fears he hadn't confronted until that moment. He was scared of hurting Alec, of becoming just like his father. A monster.
Just as I ran a knife through your mother's heart, you too will run a knife through Alec's.
No. He fought the tears that warred to break free from his eyes. No. He wasn't going to hurt Alec. He couldn't do that to him. He promised himself he wouldn't and so he wouldn't break that promise. He wouldn't do that to Alec.
I'll never hurt you Magnus.
I won't hurt you either baby.
To love is to destroy.
No. No. His father was wrong. He wouldn't hurt Alec. He was going to protect him, love him, and be everything for him his father had never been for his mother. He wasn't his father. He wouldn't let himself be his father. He tried to suppress the nightmare, forcing it deep into the recesses of his soul, trying to hide it and turn away from it. But it wouldn't go. It fought against him, pushing back to the surface so that it took him over.
Like father, like son.
I'll never be like you.
One day son. You will.
I'll never be like you...
Okay, so there you go. That was a monster of a chapter to finish given it's length and it's sort of filler, but hopefully it was okay. I'd like to thank everyone who gave me present ideas about a month ago. You were all such a great help, so thank you so much for being amazing people and helping me out. Hope the gifts were okay.
So, I know I do this a lot, but it's the story of my life. It's exam time! That means that my beta and I have a million projects, tests, and exams to study for for the end of June, plus work's picking up for us both. She would like to apologize if updates are further apart and hopes you will understand and forgive her. I also am very sorry. There will still be updates, mainly this month, but I drop off the face of the Earth at exam time since i'm a studying machine so I'll probably disappear in June. But come summer all I have is work so my life will be work by day and write by night, which means that updates will hopefully be closer together. So hopefully you all understand and I will see you next chapter. Thank you so much for reading. You guys are all absolutely amazing.
Be the change,
Amber